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I’ve Moved!

You might have noticed things look a little different here.

This blog is closing, but have no fear, a new one is here: SexuallyAwkward.com

Select old posts will be re-released, plus tons of new, fun, sexy, interesting content.

Thanks for the eyeballs, and I hope you enjoy my new project just as much, if not more. :)

And to see me naked doing weird things, click here!

Posted: September 16th, 2015 under Uncategorized - No Comments.

How to Bring Out a Woman’s Dirty Side

I hear from fans all the time asking, “How do I get a girl like you?” One that loves anal, is kinky and down to try (almost) anything?

Well I wasn’t always this way. I used to be pretty shy and inhibited about my sexuality. It was my husband, Terry, who really brought this side of me out to play. On today’s podcast, Terry and I talk about our relationship and he gives advice to guys wanting to get a little kinkier with their woman.

Have you brought out the dirty in a girl? Or had the dirty brought out in you? Leave a comment!

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Posted: September 7th, 2012 under Fetish, Sex Podcast - 3 Comments. Tags: , , ,

Do Vibrators Ruin the Female Orgasm?

How does hard pressure on the clitoris affect a woman’s ability to have a female orgasm?

Both my husband Terry and I have early masturbation stories like Carlin and Betty describe – for me, I started masturbating on my stomach with my blanket between my legs. Even today it can be hard to orgasm without a lot of pressure. With lots of practice(!) and patience, I’ve started feeling more sensation in other positions, but my body still responds best that way. Its like learning how to ride a bike…a little harder, but more fun.

This video also sparked a great conversation with Terry about needing more sexy time with him. We have amazing sex, but like Betty says – as a woman, sometimes sex can feel like foreplay for my masturbation. Personally, I don’t need an orgasm every time – that’s too much pressure and too “masculine” a goal – but it gets hard to make the time when we’re so busy. Even though we have a very sexual lifestyle, we get stressed out like everyone else!

Posted: September 6th, 2012 under Orgasm - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Why is Sex So Important?

Hunger, poverty, environmental destruction and disease are ravaging the modern world. But you’re here reading about sex. What’s so important about sex?

After all, we don’t NEED one another to get off – that’s why “God” invented masturbation (thanks!).

Its simple: To experience our living, breathing bodies in the height of pleasure…together. To connect to another human being, whether spouse or casual hookup.

But life gets busy. It can be a challenge to find the time and energy to connect with others. What do you do to stay in tune with your partner? What have you done in the past? Or what have you learned from previous mis-connections? Please share.

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Posted: September 5th, 2012 under (Sex) Life - 2 Comments. Tags: , , , ,

What’s the Best Way to Measure Your Penis Size

A reader wants to know about his penis size, how to measure and the best sex position for his curved dick.

I have a penis question. I need your opinion. After seeing you videos, and googling around I feel a bit more confident, however, what\’s your opinion on my penis size.

I’m 6in long, 4.5in girth (I sometimes think I have a pencil d*cK, since my girth is small).

Is it reallly small???

Also, I curve downward like a banana, so when I use a string to measure length, I get 7in instead of 6in when using a ruler. What’s the correct way to measure.

Also, please help me. What positions are good for a downward curved penis. Missionary is not working, doggy works, but partner does not like doggy.

Your penis is average to above average. Average length is 5-6″, girth 4.5-5.5″.  These are estimates, of course.  There’s no right or wrong way to measure – from the top, bottom, or side.  If you’re using a string, you’re probably getting a more accurate measure if its curved.  Go with whatever number you like best. :)

I’d say doggystyle would be best for a downward curved dick, but reverse cowgirl could also be pleasurable for her – your dick will hit her g-spot better, if she enjoys that sensation.

Posted: August 29th, 2012 under Male body - 1 Comment. Tags: ,

The Dreaded Penis Size Issue

The biggest (ha) thing I’ve learned as a sex worker is that (many) guys are OBSESSED with penis size. And no matter how big they are, they’re still insecure. Some even wish they were smaller!

So today I set the record straight about dick size. Agree? Disagree? Ladies, feel free to chime in with your personal opinion.

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Posted: August 28th, 2012 under Male body - 1 Comment.

Why Does the Penis Look Like That?

Some scholars believe we’re naturally NOT monogamous… in which case, this penis theory makes a lot of sense.

If you were to examine the penis objectively—please don’t do this in a public place or without the other person’s permission—and compare the shape of this organ with the design of the same organ in other species, you’d notice the following uniquely human characteristics. First, despite variation in size between individuals, the human penis is especially large compared with that of other primates. When erect, it measures on average between five and six inches in length and about five inches in circumference. Even the most well-endowed chimpanzee, the species that is our closest living relative, doesn’t come anywhere near this. Rather, even after correcting for overall mass and body size, chimp penises are about half the size of human penises in both length and circumference. In addition, only the human species has such a distinctive mushroom-capped glans, which is connected to the shaft by a thin tissue of frenulum (the delicate tab of skin just beneath the urethra). Chimpanzees, gorillas, and orangutans have a much less extravagant phallic design—more or less all shaft. It turns out that one of the most significant features of the human penis isn’t so much the glans per se as the coronal ridge it forms underneath.

This “semen displacement theory” is the most intriguing part of Gallup’s story. Since sperm cells can survive in a woman’s cervical mucus for up to several days, if she has more than one male sexual partner over this period of time, say within forty-eight hours, then the sperm of these two men are competing for reproductive access to her ovum. So how did nature equip men to solve the adaptive problem of other men impregnating their sexual partners? The answer, according to Gallup, is that their penises were sculpted in such a way that the organ would effectively displace the semen of competitors from their partner’s vagina, a well-synchronized effect facilitated by the “upsuck” of thrusting during intercourse. Specifically, the coronal ridge offers a special removal service by expunging foreign sperm. According to this analysis, the effect of thrusting would be to draw other men’s sperm away from the cervix and back around the glans, thus scooping out the semen deposited by a sexual rival.

Posted: August 26th, 2012 under Male body - 1 Comment. Tags: , , ,

How To Have a Perfect Relationship…NOT.

Since there are no perfect people, there is no perfect relationship. But that’s part of the fun…

Posted: August 26th, 2012 under Relationship Advice - 1 Comment. Tags:

Is Your Partner Doing it Wrong? Here’s How to Help

Your partner may need some direction:

Dear Em & Lo,

I truly enjoy sex with my boyfriend, but I don’t orgasm through sex. We are a relatively new couple, and he hasn’t learned how to get me off reliably with oral sex. He recently told me that when he performs oral sex on me, I am too quiet.

I completely understand his desire for me to be more vocal and more directive. However, I hesitate, because the very few times I have given directions, he applied the advice in the moment but then never again. And I don’t want to offend him by being patronizing or assuming he doesn’t understand the female anatomy.

I want to turn him on, and I want to orgasm when he goes down on me. I love him, and enjoy his efforts, but he doesn’t seem to hit the right spot. How can I communicate what he should do without being condescending or patronizing? It’s not like he’s bad at this — his efforts have been valiant the few times he has tried, he just hasn’t learned my body completely yet.

– The Quiet American

Dear Q.A.,

Perhaps when your boyfriend says that you’re not “vocal” enough during oral sex, he means that you’re not being vocally appreciative enough of his efforts. In other words, perhaps he’s one of those guys who’d rather get a massive standing ovation when he’s doing something right — rather than pointers when he’s doing something wrong. (And really, who doesn’t prefer that?) If this is the case, you might want to make sure that you’re providing a lot of positive reinforcement along with your instructions. When he gets something right (and especially if he gets something right after you ask him to do it), you need to ham it up: moans, groans, writhing, oh yeahs, the lot.

Or perhaps he’s just really forgetful? It could be that once he’s between your thighs inhaling your heady scent, all coherent thought goes out the window. Which means that you need to remind him gently — as many times as it takes. If you’re worried about being condescending, turn the reminder into a compliment: “Remember that thing you did last time with your nose? It turned me on so much, could you do it again?” And so on. Perhaps he’s one of those guys who learns via muscle memory instead of rote memorization. Also, what we said before about moaning loudly when he gets it right? That should help a memory stick.

As for your fears that you’ll sound condescending or patronizing: Just make sure that you when you tell him something, it sounds more like dirty talk than text book talk. Drop the matter-of-fact voice and tell him what turns you on like you mean it.

Have you tried mutual masturbation yet, by the way? You know: you diddle you while he diddles himself — and you each watch each other. This won’t necessarily teach him about how to go down on you, but it will teach him how to pay attention to what gets you off.

If he’s the decent guy you say he is, and if he continues to try as valiantly as you say he has been, we’re sure you’ll get there eventually. In the meantime, try to enjoy the journey, as the hippies like to say.

– The Not-So-Quiet Advice Ladies

Posted: August 25th, 2012 under Communication - 1 Comment. Tags:

Turning Fantasy Into Reality

Do you have a fantasy you’ve been dying to try, but your partner isn’t into it? Or are you scared they’ll turn you down?

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Posted: August 25th, 2012 under Communication - 1 Comment. Tags: , ,

Is Your Dick Out of Commission? Learn About Erectile Dysfunction & Premature Ejaculation From Jacqui Olliver

You don’t have to suffer from erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Listen and learn how to make that dick work for you, not against you.

Learn the four hidden causes of erectile dysfunction here.

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Posted: August 25th, 2012 under Male body - 1 Comment.

How to Make a Girl Squirt – Learn the Technique

Learn how to make a girl squirt using fingers, toys, or dicks. Whatever floats her boat.

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Posted: August 24th, 2012 under Sex Podcast, Squirting - 2 Comments. Tags: , ,

How to Make a Girl Squirt – The REAL Secret Behind Female Ejaculation

You need more than technique to know how to make a girl squirt – learn the REAL secrets here.

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Posted: August 24th, 2012 under Sex Podcast, Squirting - 1 Comment. Tags: ,

How to Make a Girl Squirt – Is Female Ejaculation A Myth?

What is female ejaculation? Can all women ejaculate? Why is squirting such a mystery? Listen and learn how to make a girl squirt.

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Posted: August 21st, 2012 under Sex Podcast, Squirting - 2 Comments. Tags: , ,

Exploring BDSM: The Emotional Side of Submission

Lately I’ve been craving BDSM and submission.

Terry and I have always had amazing sex. The best I’d ever had. But I wasn’t very open in the beginning – I was in theory, but not in practice. As I began to explore my sexuality, I saw how submissive I wanted to be. I became insecure and scared. I didn’t want to show him this very deep part of myself and be rejected for it, as I’d been in previous relationships.

So as we got closer and had more submissive sex, I tested him. Over. And over. And over. And over again. Until finally, we arrived at a place where I couldn’t test him anymore. When we got married, I said I’m either all in or I’m all out. I committed. In.

Its not that he passed all my tests. Its actually that he didn’t. Most of the time he wouldn’t be manipulated by me. He wouldn’t take my insecure bullshit.

But there were times he would. He’d try to make me happy by ignoring his feelings over mine. He’d start reacting out of his abusive childhood and act like an asshole. And I’d react to him like a child myself. There have been times where our negativity has so fed off one another that I wondered what the fuck I was doing. But as much as I’d be angry sometimes, we always maintained a strong bond. Because this: no matter what, he ALWAYS ultimately stood up for himself. The equilibrium always came back to that. I always respected him in the end.

And at a certain point – when we got married – I knew I had to take that for granted. I had to know within myself that THAT was who he is. I also had to forgive him for his wounds. Parts of his childhood were very loving, others were quite rough. It doesn’t excuse any of his behavior, nor do any of my “issues” excuse mine. But I had to forgive him for the parts of him that aren’t so strong. To love him, faults and all, as he loves me. And to respect him for admitting those faults and for his own journey in overcoming his past. As he has for me.

Since getting married, its not as though we’ve been without fights. As if the old patterns of behaving have simply disappeared. On the contrary. What’s changed is how I respond toward him. How I communicate with him. How we work for resolve our conflicts. How I’ve been able to tell him all this, about the times I haven’t respected him, and how he’s taken my feedback “like a man.” We’ve never been happier. And what do you know, our sex life has never been better.

And now I feel like I’m ready to go deeper. To give myself to him, to allow myself to be used. To be his slut, his whore, his pet. Keyword: HIS.

Posted: August 20th, 2012 under BDSM - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Sex Problems: The ONE THING You MUST Know

We spend so much time, energy, and money on sex toys, therapists, and Viagra. But what’s REALLY causing your sex problems?

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Posted: August 19th, 2012 under Beliefs, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

BDSM: Public Sex vs. Private Sex

When it comes to BDSM, in public I’m mostly dominant. In private though, I’m much more submissive.

I’m very public about my sexuality, because though I use my experiences to teach others, I’m an exhibitionist at heart. It feels good to talk about it, be open about it, and involve other people in my sex life.

But there are some things I prefer to keep more private. My fans love my dominant side, but at home I’m more submissive. At times, I’m extremely submissive, to a degree I won’t show on camera or to anyone but Terry.

Its about trust. I want to be treated like a slut, a whore, like a treasured fuck pet. But most people can’t do that, most people I’ve encountered can’t handle me. Its almost hilarious to me that men literally beg to be my slave, these desperately submissive men who crave the same thing I do. Perhaps that’s why my fans enjoy my dominant side so much… I understand their needs more than they could know.

I want to be on my knees (literally or figuratively) and trust that my master (a term I waver on, but for lack of anything better) will give me what I need. That they aren’t there to take or make me passive. But rather to guide me, to lead me, to take me to my limits and (sometimes) push me to experience the other side. To force me to flirt with my own discomfort, to make me anxious, to trust they won’t take me further than I can handle. And that no matter what we do together, they’ll still love me after.

Terry is the only person I’ve ever truly submitted to. He’s seen sides of me that no one else has, because I’ve never trusted anyone else to go that deep. And nobody’s every been able to take me there. My best experience before him was when a man I dated slapped me during sex. It was months after I brought up the fantasy, because he wasn’t sure he could do it. Until we were drunk one night… From my foggy memory, it was hot. But I also knew it was barely scratching the surface. If it was that big of a deal to slap me, what about my even crazier fantasies? I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t bring being rejected for that side of me. Again. And I didn’t trust he wouldn’t.

But Terry was different. Terry made me feel safe. Terry showed me I could be dominant… but I also could submit. To him.

Posted: August 18th, 2012 under BDSM - 1 Comment. Tags: , ,

Relationship Problems: Sex Sucks When You Hate Yourself

Low self-esteem causes huge relationship problems.

You know that saying, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself?” Well, its true. If you’re having relationship problems, look at yourself before blaming your partner.

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Posted: August 17th, 2012 under Relationship Advice - No Comments. Tags: ,

How Do Relationship Problems Affect Your Sex Life?

If you’re having relationship problems, chances are you aren’t having much sex.

Here’s how you can resolve disagreements faster so you can stop fighting and get back to fucking.

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Posted: August 16th, 2012 under Communication - 1 Comment. Tags: , ,

The Price of Assuming: Making an Ass Out of You, Me, and the Adult Industry (A Response From Inside)

Everyone’s got an opinion on the adult industry, mostly based on assumptions, stereotypes, and recycled arguments from 1980s anti-pornography feminists.

I recently felt compelled to comment on this blog on the “dark side” of pornography and the adult industry. Ev’yan writes about a documentary called The Price of Pleasure. I saw this several years ago (well before I’d decided to make my life’s work in the adult industry), and while I don’t remember the particulars, I was annoyed at the overgeneralized assumptions. Echoed in Ev’yan’s blog, I felt the need to reply:

Ev’yan — I LOVE your blog. I’ve commented here before, but I’ll ‘introduce’ myself here to put my comments below into context: I’m a highly educated adult model and video producer, working on my PhD and have studied gender, sexuality, and feminist theory for the last 7 years. I have all the stereotypical white middle class privileges and have many options when it comes to career choice; despite the very difficult stigma, I choose to work in the adult industry and I love what I do.

I must pose the question: Why do we (as a society) feel the need to make a black or white evaluation of porn? Porn is a type of media, like television or video games; it is not synonymous with its content. There are plenty of TV shows and movies I don’t care for, particularly violent ones, and yet I don’t throw out my TV with the bathwater. Why do the same with porn, especially when its well established “ethical” porn exists and – it seems – is a growing corner of the market? The internet has democratized porn production, and more women are producing their own content (in all genres), commercializing their own sexuality for both profit AND pleasure. (An example: LilyCade.com.)

Undoubtedly, pornography shapes our understanding of sexuality, for no other reason that we simply don’t see “real” sex anywhere else. Like you mention, my first exposure to adult sexuality was through Playboy, and I don’t think it was an entirely positive one (though not entirely negative, either). Yet scholars and documentary filmmakers continue to analyze the porn industry as if it is monolithic, producing one and only one type of dehumanizing, immoral, patriarchal male-oriented product. The beauty of the marketplace is that you don’t have to watch what you find offensive; for every film that evokes disgust, there’s another that will make you smile, laugh, and enhance your sexual experience.

When it comes to violent content in particular, there’s an important distinction to be made – (1) Are the models consenting? (2) Do the models enjoy it? First, there certainly are unscrupulous directors who try to spring certain sex acts on the models mid-scene, when they feel they can’t say no (though they always CAN). I only work on my own content, so I have no exposure to this, but I’ve heard firsthand from models who’ve had this experience. Not cool, and you can tell when you’re watching. It doesn’t make for a very good product, and generally the companies who do this aren’t the most successful for this reason.

Secondarily, of course not all women want to be beaten and humiliated on screen — but it does women just as much as disservice to say that NO women do, as it does to say ALL women do. The assumption that these women are being taken advantage of is in part due to a cultural belief that women’s sexuality is all romance and hunky men with 6 packs, that they couldn’t – shouldn’t – possibly like anything more extreme.

Undoubtedly this type of content is borderline, and the most sex-positive, woman-friendly production companies will make it clear to the viewer this is strictly consensual fantasy play.

Kink.com is an excellent example of well produced extremely hardcore BDSM. They interview all models before and after the scene, and all shoots follow specific rules. Because they’re dealing with potentially dangerous acts, they err on the side of caution when caring for the submissive model. Its a great way to explore the “darker” side of sexuality, knowing the models are exploring as well, so you (the viewer) can dip your toes into extreme sex without jumping into a situation you’re not ready to handle.

One last thing I’ll point out — when we talk about porn, everyone’s always concerned about the women being objectified and subject to violence… Yet if you ever see “mainstream” porn, often times they don’t even show the guy’s face – he’s a disembodied cock. Why is nobody up in arms about the objectification of hard dicks? And what of all the “realistic” dildos, sold under the guise of female sexual empowerment? And finally, there’s a vast world of female domination porn that features men being beaten, abused, and humiliated; its just fetishized because its less socially acceptable than the reverse. Men who enjoy being kicked in the balls, being walked on in high heels, being laughed at for the size of their penis.

Like it or not, violence and power is a part of many people’s sexuality, men, women, and everyone else. There are ways to do it safely, respectfully, and consensually, and there are ways not to. If you choose to watch porn, just support the producers, models, and directors that are promoting a sex-positive approach to fucking, fantasy, and fetish – or whatever is your cup of tea.

Some resources if you’re interested in exploring porn further:

PornMoviesForWomen.com – Great site to find female directed and female-friendly porn. I used this to find videos when I was first starting to watch porn and was sick of the crap I found for free.

PornValleyVantage.com – The blog of sociologist Dr. Chauntelle Tibbals, who is one of the ONLY researchers to study the industry from the INSIDE, focusing on women’s roles in the video production world. She’s published in several peer-reviewed journals and challenges many assumptions and stereotypes about how the industry actually works.

FeministPornography.com – The official site for the documentary Feminist Pornography. Much in the way you say The Price of Pleasure changed your feelings on pornography, this did it for me in the opposite way. I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing if I hadn’t seen this film many years ago. Of course there are problems with the industry, but women are working from within to change that – myself included.

Posted: August 15th, 2012 under Adult Industry - No Comments.

Reader Question: How to Make a Girl Orgasm Better?

On today’s sex podcast I share secrets on how to make a girl orgasm better. Hint: Its not a fancy new technique or toy!

The most important tip on how to make a woman orgasm is – sorry guys – to pay attention to her emotional needs. The more she feels free to express herself, the more likely she is to open up, have more satisfying female orgasm, and want to please her partner.

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Posted: August 14th, 2012 under Sex Podcast, Women's Sexuality - No Comments. Tags: ,

Why Do We Enjoy Kinky Fetish Sex?

Where do kinky fetish sex fantasies come from? Why do we enjoy the taboo?

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Posted: August 12th, 2012 under Fetish, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags:

Sex Problems: 3 Reasons You AREN’T Getting What You Want in Bed

I’m pleased to announce my new sex podcast to help you overcome to sex problems that keep you from fully enjoying your sexuality and relationships.

Titled Love, Lust & Life, this free podcast will feature sex and relationship advice. Taking a “holistic” approach, I cover not only the physical aspects of sex and love but the mental, emotional, and spiritual sides that really shape our experiences. I share my own stories and sex problems, reader questions, and interviews with fellow educators, researchers, coaches, sex workers, and even “regular people” like you. :)

Check out the first episode below, and don’t forget to subscribe in iTunes!

Posted: August 10th, 2012 under Relationship Advice, Sex Podcast - No Comments.

Furious Masturbation Causes Premature Ejaculation

A young man wants to know if his masturbation habits are causing his premature ejaculation problem. What does Betty Dodson think?

Hi,

I am 19 year old and have been masturbating from say last 7-8 years. Now when I have sex with my girl, I ejaculate within a minute of her touching my penis or worse..she is a very nice girl and doesn’t complain but still I feel like a loser.

What do you think I should do? IS it due to my super fast masturbation sessions in the past?..Is there anything I can do to surprise her?,I do not want to use pills/creams as I am alergic to Sulfur and few more chemicals. Is there any natural way to increase my time or undo what I have done?..:(

Dear M,

Coming real fast is quite common. I’m happy to know you are searching for a solution. Yes, this is due to your super fast masturbation sessions in the past and the healing will be training yourself to sustain higher levels of arousal with new patterns of touching your penis.

Meanwhile, for your information, very few girls can come with vaginal penetration alone. So you and most other uninformed guys think all they need to do is get a hard-on and keep it long enough for her to get off. WRONG!

That’s the phony crap of porn! So you also need to understand female sexuality. There is an abundance of information if you simply start reading our website. Keeping a hard-on is only part of the picture but you have come to the right place to be sexually educated by learning new sexual skills. Now it’s up to you. Enjoy

Dr. Betty

What does that mean? Take time to masturbate. Take it slow. Tease yourself, making the pleasure last as long as possible before letting yourself cum. And more importantly, be gentle with yourself. Premature ejaculation won’t be “cured” overnight, and while you’re busy practicing, you’re likely to have a few more unintentional quickies. But in time you’ll be able to last longer in bed and you’ll both be enjoying sex together even more.

Posted: August 6th, 2012 under Masturbation - 2 Comments. Tags: ,

A Note to My Readers, Fans & Website Members: Thank you

I want to thank you for reading. For writing emails. For commenting on my videos. For joining my website and buying my clips. For spending time with me on webcam.

Because without you, I wouldn’t be able to do what I love. I wouldn’t have the money. The time. The energy. But most importantly, the courage and the reason. The why.

Helping you forces me to grow as a person, so I may grow as a business. So I can help even more people connect with their sexuality on a deeper level and have even more loving intimate relationships. It means I have to let go of my own bullshit stories, my insecurities, and most of all – learn to take care of MY sexuality, so I can continue on this path and have more to share with YOU.

To know that I help you, reminds me why I started this – ultimately because I wanted to help ME, and I had no idea how. Somewhere along the way, between grad school, sexual mis-adventures, meeting Terry, starting my porn site, getting married, and attending a zillion and one business and personal development seminars – I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and having more fulfilling sex than I knew was possible. If there were a magic formula to get here, I’d shout it from the rooftops. But there’s not.

All I wanted was to have an orgasm with another person. And somehow I ended up here. You’ve helped me just as much, if not more, than I’ve ever helped you. Knowing you’re out there – that you struggle with the same challenges I have, that you ask the same questions I did years ago – has made me feel less alone. And its given me a reason to overcome those challenges. How exactly I’ve done it – to the point where I’m at, anyway – is far too complex to spell out. I’m still understanding the process as I go.

Just know that if you’re struggling, you’re not alone.
If you’re frustrated, you’re not alone.
If you feel like something’s missing, you’re not alone.
If you crave more, wherever you’re at, you’re in the right place.

We’ve become accustomed to pills, buttons, gizmos, and gadgets to solve our problems. But our sexuality can’t be fixed with anything external to us. Sure, there are useful – and fun – tools. But ultimately whether and how we use them comes from inside. Though we’re surrounded by pressures of who and how to be, there’s a part of us that’s deeper. We each are filled with desires we’ve been shamed and discouraged from fulfilling. Yet nothing can take those desires away.

Thank you for being a part of my own journey. Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable, and for being vulnerable with me. Thank you for allowing me to learn from you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow in my sexuality, and more broadly in life, so I may better serve you. I could not be here without you.

Thank you.

Posted: August 6th, 2012 under Personal Notes - No Comments.

Relationship Advice: To Get What You Want, You Gotta Ask for It

Courtesy Ev’yan at SexLoveLiberation.com:

Your lover can’t read your mind. The waitress at your favorite cafe can’t read your mind. Your dearest, most closest friend whom you’ve known since kindergarten can’t, either.

None of these people can possibly know how you’d like to be touched, how you wish to be kissed, how you desire to be heard — really & truly heard — unless they’ve got telepathic powers. And they likely don’t. So you must tell them.

You must ask for what you want.

If you want less talk & more action, ask for it.
If you want more sugar in your coffee,
ask for it.
If you want to role play in the bedroom,
suggest it.
If you want to be fucked harder, lighter, longer. . .
tell her.
If you want your masseuse to massage a specific kink,
tell him.
If you want a raise,
ask for it.
If you want the trash taken out,
ask for it.
If you want him to call you sweetheart,
request it.

I know it seems silly (& a little remedial) to reiterate such things, but sometimes we forget that we are powerful, persuasive, that we have the ability to choose the way in which our lives are played out.

And, too, we often think that we’re not worthy of pleasure or worthy of an extra cube of sugar in our coffee; that if we were worthy, it would’ve automatically been bestowed upon us. So we see the lacking as a sign.

“Perhaps it’s not meant to be. Perhaps this is just the way things are. Perhaps it’s better this way.”

No.
You have a voice.

Use it to ask for what it is you want.

This is key to liberation; sexual or otherwise. When you ask for what it is you want (& need) you are taking ownership of your desires.

And ownership of your life. YOUR life. Nobody else is gonna do it for you. Nobody will ever give a shit about your wants, needs, and desires as much as you. Even the most caring partner in the world can’t read your mind. Take care of yourself by asking for what you want, what you need, and what you crave.

Posted: July 28th, 2012 under Communication - 2 Comments. Tags:

Relationship Problems: When Honesty Isn’t Easy

“Experts” like to say “just talk about it” when there are relationship problems – but that’s easier said than done.

A true friend will lovingly call you on your shit because they support your own growth. In my opinion, the best romantic relationships are based on a solid friendship. But if it were easy to be a good friend, more people would have better friendships.

I was always the quiet one, and really communicating my feelings hasn’t come naturally. Especially when I see someone I love acting in a way that’s causing themselves or others pain. Its hard to shine the light on a part of someone’s life they’d rather not see, even though I know they will thank me in the long run. That uncomfortable moment where my words ignite the hurt that often seems to accompany first denial, then realization that I know them, I see them, and I love them – and I may not be 100% correct, but my observation isn’t totally wrong either. I’m afraid to voice my feelings, scared they won’t love me anymore if I tell what I see as the truth.

My usual habit has been to hint at the topic and hope they bring it up. They never do because they don’t know its there. Then I somehow feel rejected, as if they don’t care to hear the opinion they don’t know I have. I’ll smile while I’m screaming at them in my head. I’ll turn it around and blame them. I’ll pull away or cause unnecessary arguments until it either comes out or I get distracted by something else going on in life.

My husband, on the other hand, will drop bombs. He’ll deliver a truth I don’t want to hear in such a way that I want to argue just so he won’t be right. I’ll cry, he’ll apologize. But over the next few minutes, hours, days it’ll trickle into my subconscious. Though he speaks it in a hurtful way, and sometimes he’s projecting — he usually has a point. I’m always glad to his message. But his delivery makes me avoid talking about the issue with him, which may inhibit the very growth he’s trying to help.

Being honest AND respectful is a skill we’re both learning as we go.

Posted: July 24th, 2012 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: ,

Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore… Addressing Typical Relationship Problems

A dwindling sex life is one of the most common relationship problems, especially among parents and business owners.

Dear Kelsey,

I am a little nervous to email you… I am a 43 yr. old married father of two. Our daughter is almost 4 and our son just turned 2 (so we have had sex ha ha) although our sex life has tanked in the last few years.  My wife and I also have a family business.

I was recently diagnosed with extremely low testosterone. My Dr. has been treating it with weekly T injections (so much because it hasn’t been rising). Along with week erections, (I need to use Cialis or Levitra to masturbate or have intercourse), difficult orgasm, sore body, exhausted all the time, I still have the need to have sex with my wife. It makes me feel closer to her and strengthens our relationship.

She has been supportive, but has her own issues and often does not want to have sex. I then feel rejected and that causes friction. I love my wife and family and just want to feel normal.  She  says that she is tired and not into it (or is she not into me any more?).

What do you think?

Your situation is VERY common.  I’m not a medical doctor, but low testosterone combined with stress and relationship issues is probably what’s up (well, down) with your dick.

Are you on cholesterol medication, by chance?  I’ve read that chlorine in tap water (whether you drink or shower in it) causes high cholesterol, and those medications kill your testosterone.  If so, I know there are natural ways to reduce cholesterol and switching to bottled water may help.

Men who take testosterone also tend to become more aggressive and often don’t realize. You could be acting like an asshole and putting off your wife, without being aware. Pay attention to how you’re acting, especially when she rejects you. You may notice ways to change your behavior that could elicit a more positive response from her.

Regarding your wife – if she’s busy raising 2 kids and doing the business with you, she’s probably exhausted.  And may have her own issues with sex she hasn’t ever addressed (most of us do, especially women).

Whereas men (stereotypically) want to do it at a moment’s notice, women generally need more time to relax before feeling sexual whatsoever.  I don’t just mean foreplay, I mean time for herself in everyday life.  Many moms put all their energy into their kids, without saving any for themselves.  Same with business women too, so combine them and its a recipe for little to no sex.

If this sounds like your situation, if you want more sex you’ll have to help her take the time she needs.  My friend and business coach, Taylore Ashlie, wrote a book for couples in business. Its written for men to help their women be more happy (and sexual) at home, thus making YOU happier in the process.  Its written in flowery language, but even if that doesn’t appeal to you, the concepts are still very useful.

Her book, and working with her directly, helped me calm down and focus on myself, allowing myself to be more sexual.  It really helped my relationship, and I’m sure it could help you and your wife too.

Posted: July 18th, 2012 under Relationship Advice - 2 Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Kinky Fetish Sex Files: What’s a Vacuum Fetish?

I recently made a custom vacuum fetish video of me vacuuming my couch with attachments in a bra and panties.

I’m always happy to do fetishes like this because they fascinate me, but I honestly had no idea what it was all about.

That is, until I got an email from another vacuum fetish fan, I’ll call him Dave. Dave was kind enough to explain the fetish to me, and give me permission to post his words here:

I have studied [vacuum fetish] for my entire life because it was making me crazy that every time I am in the presence of a woman vacuuming… In my study of fetishes, they begin somehow on a fine line between fear and excitement. That may explain the fetish of spankings or loud balloon popping or crushing, vore, tie-up/restraint or S & M. My fetish with the vacuum began with having some of my favorite toys sucked up by the cleaning lady. I would try to save the toys I had carelessly not put away in time and the cleaning lady (very attractive) had a deadline that I did not meet adequately so slurp, gobble, and rattling away went my marbles, little toy men, and legos.

A woman with a vacuum has a certain CONTROL at the moment. As she’s vacuuming, whatever is vacuumable may not last for long. She has the choice to let it be or suck it up. When women flirt with a vacuum such as poking the nozzle at a guy she likes, it symbolizes her attraction to wanting him or wanting to excite him… I had a girlfriend who used to play with the vacuum and deliberately suck up objects like a ketchup packet leftover from McDonalds and a few stray pennies. It was an incredible turn-on to have her show no mercy and dominate with the vacuum. I would dream I was a tiny insect-sized man trying to escape from her.

There’s a woman… who may have put the entire Freudian illustration to my seeing a woman Vacuuming fetish. In two of her vacuum clips… she places the vacuum nozzle between her thighs and sucks up little creatures/figurines and matchbox cars saying things like “I’m going to suck you up into my pussy”. The vacuum in a Freudian sense represents a vagina or womb and the desire for insertion or impregnation. Personally I hate Freud and think he was too overboard with everything having a deep rooted interpretation but the fantasy of a woman vacuuming and getting sexually aroused has turned out to have some existence outside of my own invented fantasy. I have seen dozens of instances where a woman admitted enjoying sucking up noisy objects or big things or things of value such as coins or children’s toys and many instances of women positioning the vacuum hose pressed high up in their thighs or even against their crotch as they vacuum stuff.

I was at a construction site once and we were about to clean up a bunch of chunks of wood, sawdust and nails and one guy’s girlfriend happened to be there and became excited saying, “Oh can I vacuum up this pile?” Everyone said, “Sure, go ahead”. I melted on the inside and grew rock hard as she mercilessly took pleasure sucking up everything in sight after finishing the original pile swept up for her in less than 10 seconds. She went hunting for stuff to suck up and walked with the hose between her thighs dragging the vacuum behind her. She sucked up a half of a hot dog one of the guys left on a worktable without even asking if he was done eating. Talk about taking control and showing no mercy. A woman can be fat and still get me totally aroused if she’s vacuuming.

I can get aroused the same conventional ways other guys can (sexy looking lady, bikini, nice lingerie, romance scenes in movies, good hugs, tickle fights, flirting, and sex talk to name a few) -but nothing gets me more aroused than when a woman is vacuuming noisy stuff (pebbles, balloons, tissues, buttons or stuff with an assigned value like coins, puzzle pieces, chessmen).

If you have a fetish you’d like to see featured here, shoot me an email!

Posted: July 14th, 2012 under Fetish - 3 Comments. Tags:

The “Elusive” Female Orgasm: Where Does It Go? Why Does It Hide?

Difficulty experiencing female orgasm is common, though many women feel all alone.

I can orgasm just fine on my own. What prevents me from doing it with someone else?

The above is an excerpt from my favorite blog, a post about female orgasm, or lack thereof.

Though I’ve understood I’m not alone in my challenges, this is the first time I’ve heard of someone with a similar problem. Most sex advice assumes if women aren’t orgasmic with their partners they aren’t at all, and the solution is to learn how to female orgasm through masturbation. But making the “leap” from solo to partner orgasm isn’t straightforward. The writer continues…

I don’t know what that means, or how to fix it, or whether “fixing” it is the wrong approach. Sometimes, when I realize we’ve worked so hard to get there yet again and I know it’s just not going to happen, I experience what I’ve come to think of as the “reverse orgasm,” where sex ends with a panic attack and a painful mental storm of self-recrimination, disappointment and despair.

Even though he comforts me and says all the right things, this is a moment of relative solitude. It’s just me and my orgasm, not happening. Once again. And if I cease to work on it, am I settling for less, yet again?

I know I don’t want to leave my marriage, and I know there are no simple solutions. Vulnerability and trust and belief in my self worth can’t happen overnight.

I’m not sure what the solution will be. But learning to talk about it, having the courage to write about it here and be honest about this vulnerability, is a big part of it.

It IS brave to talk about it. I know because its why I started this blog. Because I knew other women/couples must feel the same frustration. I figured if nothing else I’d at least write about my experiences, and maybe it’d help someone else to know they’re not alone. But now I’ve got “proof” I’m not, and I know that my struggles haven’t just been mine – they’re shared by women all over, many who would never go there, let alone write about it publicly.

I don’t have an answer to the “problems” of female orgasm. I’m still working on it myself.

Posted: July 11th, 2012 under Orgasm - 1 Comment. Tags: ,

No Means No: Where Else Does Swinger’s Club Etiquette Apply?

I wouldn’t call myself a swinger, but my husband and I frequent swinger’s clubs and parties on occasion.

No matter where I go, there’s one main rule:

No means no.

We recently went to The Green Door in Las Vegas. We had two encounters with other couples, or rather – I did with the female partners.

Couple 1: I was laying on a bed while my husband licked my pussy. My eyes are closed, and when I opened them a dark skinned curvy woman was on the bed nearby, being fucked doggy style. We began making out and touching each other while my husband ate my pussy and her guy fucked her. Her guy reached down and touched my breast. I said, “Please don’t touch me,” as I continued to feel up his chick. A little while later I was on the other side of them, and touched her body while he continued to fuck her. I rubbed her ass, making her moan loudly, when he reached over and touched me again. I said, “Please don’t.” Shortly after, he came and they left. That was that.

Couple 2: Was sucking my husband’s dick when I looked up to see a couple sitting on a couch next to our bed. The guy commented something about our fucking and we start a conversation. Our work came up, of course, and my husband explained that I’m not interested in other guys, only chicks. I lay back for him to lick my pussy again, and he asked the very attractive female partner if she wanted to lick it instead. She came over, and her guy sat next to me on the bed. He asked, “Is it okay if I sit here?” I said, “Yeah, just don’t touch me.” To which he said, “Of course not.” She licked my pussy and fingered me while I sucked my husband’s dick, and sometime in the middle of all that her guy started fucking her pussy. I squirted. A great time was had by all, and we exchanged numbers for next time we’re in town.

As we drove back to the hotel, my husband said, “If we were ever to swap, I think I’d be cool with a couple like that.” I agreed.

Why? Respect. Men can be extremely impatient when it comes to sex, and in my opinion, restraint is VERY attractive. When my husband and I first hanging out, he kissed my cheek one night and I yelled about how I wasn’t going to make out with him. I wasn’t ready. He laughed and didn’t push it. I slept on his couch that night, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he told me he sleeps naked…I fantasized about coming into his bedroom, but I didn’t. I wasn’t ready. But two nights later I went over to his house, fucked him, and the rest is history.

Men don’t realize: if they’d just calm the fuck down, they’d “get” way more pussy. Sometimes women play hard to get, but if she’s not showing any interest in you – no probably means no.

Posted: July 8th, 2012 under Dating & Hooking Up - 1 Comment. Tags: ,

What is Women’s Sexuality? There’s No Right Answer.

For awhile I’ve struggled with my version of women’s sexuality.

There are so many books, videos, and people who say definitively that THIS (fill in the blank) is what women want. Be it romance, spirituality, monogamy, or the #1 GUARANTEED METHOD TO MAKE ANY WOMAN ORGASM (riiiiight). And with all that noise, its been a learning experience to tune into myself. I don’t give a shit what anyone says women want. I care about what I want.

So what do I want? I’m finally starting to understand, to communicate it, and to allow myself to let go and receive it when it comes.

Unlike my husband, I’m not looking for any specific act in a sexual encounter. I’d usually like my pussy to be played with in some way, but how doesn’t often matter. What I want is an experience, a feeling that I get with him. I want him to lead me somewhere without my knowing the exact destination (if there is one). I want to trust he’ll take me somewhere I want to go, or depending on my mood, give me the space to drive the car. I want to feel both his physical strength and his gentleness, his love with just a hint of aggression. I want to feel safe being vulnerable because in that space I can let go. I want to “worship” his body, his smell, his taste, to appreciate and give pleasure to this person who makes me feel that.

Evolutionary psychologists like Roy Baumstein and Lisa Diamond believe that women’s sexuality is more “plastic” or variable than men’s. They study the phenomenon that women are more likely to fall in love “with the person, not the gender” – and forgo a straight or gay identity for someone they care about. This seems to reflect my experience, not exactly in terms of sexual orientation but rather the specific sexual activities I’ll practice in my personal life.

Whereas my husband is focused on licking, fingering, and fucking my pussy or ass, I’m fairly open as to what we do. Sometimes I’ll want my pussy licked, or toys in my ass, or my feet rubbed and sucked while I masturbate. Sometimes I want to be massaged, sometimes I want to suck his dick, sometimes I want him to fuck my ass HARD. I love to role-play – sometimes I’m in charge, but more often I’m submissive – sometimes in a loving, caring situation, others in a pseudo rape fantasy.

What I want is space to allow these fantasies and desires to rise and blossom. I don’t always know what I’ll want until I’m in the middle of it. Sometimes I choose to let him run the show, only giving feedback if, say, his tongue is too far to the left. Other times I describe a fantasy, a sensation, or act I’m craving in the moment. Whatever it is that I want is not static, and my desires today don’t necessarily reflect what I’ll crave tomorrow. If the stereotypical woman constantly changes her mind, then I suppose that’s my experience of women’s sexuality. So be it.

Posted: July 5th, 2012 under Women's Sexuality - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Let Me Share a Secret…

I have a confession to make: I love sex.

I’ve noticed lately that I spend a lot of time justifying my work to myself. I have all sorts of academic and intellectual theories about why I do what I do, the benefit it has to people, etc. In all honestly, if it weren’t for these grand ideas I probably wouldn’t be in porn because my #1 goal in life has always been to help others.

But regardless, at the end of the day, I make porn because I love sex. I love talking about it. Reading about it. Writing about it. Doing it. Trying new things with new people. Experiencing sexual subcultures. Making sex videos. Basically…I love sex.

And I discovered a set of beliefs been behind my mental justifications: I’m too sexual. My expression of sexuality is too out there. Oh, its fine for other people. But not for me. I’m a good girl. I shouldn’t like sex, let alone earn my living from it. Sex should be – at best – a weekend hobby. My exhibitionist perverted exploits are a sign that something is wrong with me, my lifestyle, my choice in life partner. Basically, that I shouldn’t love sex.

Would I feel this if I were a man? I don’t think so. My husband doesn’t seem to have this hangup, anyway, and he’s been making porn for almost a decade now.

I can have my theories and beliefs about how porn can help people, how it can change our cultural ideas about sex and relationships, how the most effective sex information comes from those who do it. And that’s important to me. But that’s not WHY I make porn. I make porn first and foremost because I love to fuck, in whatever way fucking means today (and if you’ve seen my fetish site, you know I see sex in anything and everything). The impact it has on my fans and followers – its all secondary – because no way would I do it if I didn’t get off on it in one way or another.

Its time to be honest with myself: I love sex. And that’s okay.

Posted: July 2nd, 2012 under Adult Industry - 1 Comment. Tags: , ,

Does Being Sexually “Different” Mean You’re a Pervert? (And is that a bad thing?)

Sex and morality – for some it seems these are opposite sides of the universe.

Ironically, we can watch people’s heads get blown off on TV and play video games that began as military training, but enjoying our bodies is immoral. Or enjoying them in the wrong context. But who sets that context?

Why is sexual diversity so often framed as sexual perversion? (With all the negative connotation that the word “pervert” implies.) Because it diverts from our stereotypical notions that sex ideally occurs between a man and woman in a committed (preferably marital) relationship, consisting perhaps of some foreplay (she hopes) and a penis in a vagina. And if we’re “liberal” – we can accept this sort of situation between two women and two men (though we rarely want to imagine the latter). But tolerance is not acceptance.

We accept diversity in other areas of life far easier than in sexuality. We don’t expect everyone to like the same food – we don’t even limit ourselves to our local cuisine. Imagine an American only eating “American” foods? A diet of hamburgers, hot dogs, high fructose corn syrup convenience store snacks, soda, meat, potatoes, the occasional vegetable – oh, and apple pie? But were food sex, Andrew Zimmern wouldn’t be hosting Bizarre Foods – why, that’d be pure filth, gutter garbage smut, NOT an exotic culinary adventure. We don’t expect everyone to like the same music, movies, or television. Yet sex… somehow we’re all supposed to be relatively the same. And if you’re not – whether you believe in it or not – you may as well be going to hell.

It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, a fetishist, or a sex worker (God forbid your’e all three) – in many circles, engaging in “deviant” sexual practices can pin one as a BAD PERSON. Nevermind these people may also sing, dance, laugh, cry, work, and rest like everyone else. Their perverse sexuality BECOMES them; they are reduced to it. And it, being so different from the norm we pick up from cheesy romantic movies and stereotypical mainstream porn, is necessarily bad, wrong, abnormal – i.e., IMMORAL.

And living an immoral life carries its share of guilt and shame, whether one feels it for themselves, or as projected by others. Minorities of many types experience this sort of pain that adds an extra challenge to overcome. Its why we’re so much more inspired by stories of overcoming adversity, than we are of middle class people working their way up the corporate ladder to middle management.

US culture is beginning to recognize the struggle of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals (think: Brokeback Mountain and Harvey Milk). But the prejudice, shame, and pain they often encounter isn’t limited to that community. Its part of a larger cultural sexual shame that keeps us all – whether we’re a pervert or the most bland vanilla in existence – so tightly bound we can’t enjoy the body we were given by God, nature, or whoever/whatever created us. Because its not as if being sexually normal equals sexual ecstasy – on the contrary, erectile and orgasm issues are common among married “vanilla” couples. Perhaps the judgment placed on others is really a judgment of self. Can’t say I haven’t done it before myself.

I’ve yet to meet a person – the boringest of borings or the craziest of crazies – that doesn’t desire to be loved. That love starts within. And as long as we’re pointing fingers at each other’s sexualities and imposing moral judgments as though we’re God and we weren’t all made by God, there isn’t much room to love our own, now is there?

Posted: June 30th, 2012 under Morals - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

How Making Porn Has Helped My Self-Esteem

Stereotypically, porn stars have low self esteem. But then, so do most women.

The first time my husband took naked pictures of me, I felt so self-conscious and afraid of looking stupid that I disassociated during what would have been really hot sex after. We’d been together a few months and he wanted to paint a picture of my naked body. That was pretty much the biggest compliment anyone had given me, so of course I said yes. But I wasn’t prepared for how, well, naked I felt. How exposed. How vulnerable. I was amazed when I saw what he did – I saw my body, in some ways for the first time. I really saw it how he did. It was beautiful.

It wasn’t enough to undo years of hating my body and my appearance. But it was a start.

Its hanging in our bedroom.

Fast forward about 7 months. After hanging out with naked women on his sets several times, observing the openness about their bodies and sexuality, I knew there was something for me in this lifestyle. I had a list of logical reasons why I should do porn, and plenty more why I shouldn’t – but none of that mattered. I inexplicably needed to do it.

I hated watching my videos at first. I needed to, to write descriptions, something I also felt awkward about. I’d lectured about sex to hundreds of college students, but my own sexuality, and my body, were largely hidden. I’d been hiding in my body, as if it were a robot housing my soul, merely existing on this planet.

Today I enjoy watching. I’m still my own worst critic, cringing when the dialogue gets awkward, but I’m fascinated by seeing myself. To view my body from angles I wouldn’t be able to otherwise. To really look at my pussy, up close and personal. To see how my face looks when I’m turned on. To watch myself suck his cock. To see what he sees when he fucks me. It still feels naked, vulnerable, but I don’t feel anxious about it so much. I enjoy it.

My rise in self-esteem and body image isn’t because I get naked and guys want me, though that certainly happens. At first I viewed my fans emails as suspect – I didn’t quite believe them, nor did I desire the false sense of worth that arose from their compliments. It came from seeing my sexuality, in all its weirdness, and understanding WHY they like me. It came from admiring my own beauty, parts I never saw as attractive until I saw them displayed for the world to see. The camera becomes a mirror for how I am, and in time I’ve come to like what’s reflected back.

A woman doesn’t need to take her clothes off to feel good about herself. But when a woman deeply desires to get naked, the experience of knowing that need, accepting it, and acting on it – in spite of logic that says she ‘shouldn’t – that’s where the self-esteem comes from. That’s where nudity and sexuality can be liberation. It isn’t this way for everyone; for many, it would be the exact opposite. But I can only speak of my own experience. I no longer feel ugly. I don’t daydream about plastic surgery, like I did in high school. I don’t avoid certain sexual positions because of how they make my body look. I don’t worry about my weight – I care more about my health. My body has become a source of pleasure that I’m learning to love, appreciate, and respect. All thanks, in part, to porn.

Posted: June 27th, 2012 under Adult Industry - No Comments. Tags: , ,

The Beauty of Masturbation and the Human Body

Masturbation can be beautiful.

Says the woman who was so ashamed of it, she’d get it over ASAP then immediately switch to another task… as if to pretend it hadn’t happened at all.

During masturbation recently, I set an intention with myself – to give myself love and receive it. Cheesy? Totally. Important? Absolutely.

What could be more beautiful than allowing yourself to feel love for yourself? Most people walk around putting themselves down as if its the latest tween wave beat – or worse, as if they’re South Park’s Kyle, diagnosed with a condition called “being a cynical asshole.” How often do people compete in a whining competition about whose life is worse? Get one woman in a group to complain about her body, and most the rest will jump on board. And Jesus Christ, I never realized how insecure men are about their penis size until I made a YouTube video about it, which only spawned MORE emails to double check their size is okay. Its almost rare to meet someone with high self esteem; it can seem most everyone’s insecure and not doing that well hiding it. Sometimes I can fall into that category too.

We’ve grown up in a culture that finds the “natural” body disgusting. This taboo is partly why body functions – farting, burping, spitting, sneezing, vomiting, shitting, pissing, and even laughing and crying – have become sexual fetishes to some (in another culture others would probably still enjoy them, but for other reasons). This emerges from a long history of religious puritanism, public health campaigns of the 19th and early 20th centuries, and modern medicine rooted in the questionable “germ theory“.

We are blessed that our bodies are set up for pleasure. Yet if we despise the body for what it “naturally” is and does – then we also shut off the possibility of appreciating what it allows us to experience. Perhaps many people feel bad about sex and masturbation because they don’t believe they deserve it. Or worse, that its overindulgent, narcissistic, too much. Its not necessary. They don’t let themselves feel all the pleasure that’s in their bodies. Then they’re surprised it doesn’t work out so well with a partner…

I’m talking about myself, and I’m talking about people who email me about their sex concerns. Since masturbation is self-pleasure, it may be the ultimate expression of self-love, if only we’ll allow ourselves to feel it.

Posted: June 24th, 2012 under Masturbation - No Comments. Tags: ,

The Ethics of Selling Sex: Reflections in the Adult Industry

People work in the adult industry for various reasons, pleasure and money being the primary ones.

I make no judgment on those who are in the adult industry just for the cash, but I do my best to avoid working with them. Of course I need to make money as well, but my primary motive is to enjoy myself and help my customers enjoy themselves too. If someone doesn’t want to be there, it gives me a bad experience, and is handed down to my members as something hot and sexy that really wasn’t. There’s enough of that crap out there, I don’t need to waste my energy on creating more of it.

I recently worked with a woman who was going through some very hard times financially. She’d been doing webcam work (solo and with her boyfriend) for awhile and loved it, but for various reasons wasn’t able to at the time. She’d done girl-girl porn on and off, and was trying to get back on her feet through adult industry work – porn and stripping. Her plan was to get back onto her feet so she could do more camming, because she enjoyed being at home and having sex with her guy for “work.” For her it was of course about the money, but she was happy to do it for the cash. Conversely, some will work for the money and hate every second of it – that’s who I avoid.

I approached her to do some clips with me and she was down except for one that required contact with my husband. Though it was minimal contact (no penetration), her guy wasn’t okay with her doing boy-girl shoots so she said no to that one. No big deal, I just asked another girl to do an extra clip, which was fine.

Shortly after, the first woman asked to speak with me. She explained she and her boyfriend really needed the money, so they talked it over and he could be okay with the one clip with my husband.

For a moment, I was torn. I felt for her situation and part of me wanted to help her out. But I felt much more strongly that:
(a) I didn’t want to hire anyone literally JUST for the money to work for my site,
(b) I felt uncomfortable providing masturbation material to my customers at the expense of a relationship,
(c) we already had it worked out with the second model,
(d) it wasn’t that much money she’d be missing out on since it was just one clip (besides, I’m not running a charity here), and
(e) if she wasn’t into it, it would definitely show in the video and wouldn’t turn out as well anyway.

I told her I understood her position, but I wasn’t okay with it. I said, “When I ask a girl to work with me, if it isn’t a ‘hell yeah,’ then its a no.” We then had a good time doing our girl-girl clips and they went on their way.

Since its impossible to know the conditions under which your favorite porn is shot, a good rule is – if the chick looks uncomfortable, there’s probably something fishy going on with her personally and/or on set. Close the window and find something else. There’s plenty of ethical producers in the adult industry with female performers who want to be there.

Posted: June 21st, 2012 under Adult Industry - 1 Comment. Tags: ,

Tantra and Masturbation: My First “Tantric” Experience?

I recently had a crazy “spiritual” experience during masturbation. I’ve been told it isn’t tantra, but I’ll call it tantra for lack of a better term.

I gave myself an evening off an decided to masturbate. I played with my vibrator for maybe an hour and had an orgasm. It was enjoyable, but not quite satisfying. I started back up, when I became aware I was going toward a pattern I recently observed – when I keep going after an orgasm, I’m usually TRYING to have a second. And though I can usually get the job done, TRYING is not satisfying. So I decided I didn’t care about an orgasm and was just going to play around.

I messed around with a new cyberskin dildo I like because its about the size of my husband’s dick. I tried different sensations of moving it in and out, keeping it in, and holding it at different depths of my pussy. I added on the vibrator, trying different areas and amounts of pressure. After awhile I landed on some magically perfect combination of the two, and felt something I never have before.

It was a sensation was of pure pleasure – no fear, no anxiety, no guilt, no fantasy – just intense pleasure, located on one specific spot on the left side of my clit. I tensed up all my muscles, as is my body’s typical response to something feeling good. Normally I would hold my breath as well, trying to move as little as possible to hold on to the feeling (which only sort of works anyway). But this time I consciously breathed while I focused all my attention on that specific spot. Tantra is about using breath to connect to your body and prolong pleasure.

What was already quite amazing turned into a sort of hallucinogenic experience. For a brief moment it felt as if my entire physical body had curled up into itself in this spot. I felt as if my body was that spot and nothing else. It was short, but momentarily time stopped. It was as though I lived my entire life in that moment; I was born in it and would die in it, only there was no death to speak of. It just… was, for lack of a better description. With my next breath I felt a wave of this deep intense feeling wash down from my head to my toes. Then I got excited about what had just happened and lost all focus, laughing to myself.

It was the most physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually fulfilling experience I may have ever had. It felt so deep I could have stopped then and felt more satisfied than if I’d had 10 orgasms. I didn’t stop – I located the spot a couple more times, only after relaxing myself and being completely okay with whether I found it or not. No trying here, just allowing my body to let go and feel it if it was there to feel.

If this is tantra, awesome. If its not…whatever it was, I’m thankful I experienced it.

Posted: June 18th, 2012 under Spiritual Sex - 2 Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

How Can I Get Him/Her To…(Fill in the Blank): Communication Solves Most Sex and Relationship Problems

Communication is the source of most relationship problems

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Many times I’ve asked myself, “Why don’t I get what I want in my relationships?” I’ve typically answered in a one insecure way or another. Because he doesn’t really love me. Because he’s an asshole. Because I don’t deserve it. Because he doesn’t care about the things I like. Because he doesn’t want to make me feel good. Most of these thoughts then attract a spiral of others – Then why am I with him? What the fuck am I doing with my life? What’s wrong with me for staying with someone who treats me so poorly?

But the real answer is: Because I haven’t asked.

Duh.

Here are some things I’ve communicated recently:

- I like it when you come up and touch my boobs or my pussy or make out with me when I’m in the middle of doing something.

- If I’m stressed out working, I’d like if you came and sat with me and just hugged or kissed me to calm me down.

- When we’re having sex and you’re doing it too hard, how can I tell you to change it without making you feel like you’re doing something wrong?

- When I’m acting stressed out, I would love if you would tell me to stop working and give me a massage or run me a bath. Then give me space where we can have sex if I want after but I don’t have to, depending how I feel.

- I understand how you feel when I reject you, because even though this was a different situation here’s what I felt when you just rejected me…

- When you come onto me like that, it turns me off.

- If I think of something I’ve wanted to ask for but haven’t, you’re okay if I just say it, right?

I’ve gotten angry and upset with my husband so many times because I assumed he knew what I wanted and wasn’t giving it to me. The times I would communicate, it would be whiny, bitchy, and disrespectful – completely ineffective. I didn’t think he wanted to, because I didn’t think he really loved me. Nor was I really ready to do it, because I didn’t think I deserved to get it anyway.

So here’s the not-so-magic formula to communication:

Know What You Want +
Ask Respectfully and Explain in a Way That Makes Sense to Them +
Be Open to Actually Getting What You’re Asking For

Your partner may or may not be open to trying something new. But if you communicate in this way, you’re much more likely to get it. And even if they say no now, it doesn’t mean no forever. Respect their boundaries and approach them again in the future. And always treat them how you’d want to be treated if the situation were reversed.

Posted: June 14th, 2012 under Communication - 1 Comment. Tags:

Relationship Advice: Its All in Your Head, OR How Subconscious Beliefs Shape our Sexual Relationships

Relationship advice: Stop listening to the TV, the movies, your religion, and your parents. Tune into yourself. Easier said than done.

I’ve spent countless hours reading and teaching college kids about how social norms shape our thoughts, beliefs, and actions without our realizing.

So it came as a surprise to discover I was holding onto a belief I picked up from romantic movies – that a man should know what I want, come sweep me off my feet, and give it to me without my saying a word. That meant love. If I had to ask, it meant he didn’t want to, and therefore that he didn’t love me.

My logical mind has known this is bullshit for many years. I always enjoyed giving lectures on how the media shapes our romantic ideals, never realizing I still subscribed to them myself.

This belief has led to assumptions about my relationship and about my husband. I’ve felt uncomfortable asking for things I wanted in sex that aren’t his immediate turn ons or get offs. Making out, massage, soft touch, oral sex, playing with my g-spot and experimenting with squirting. Of course he enjoys those things – he’ll even masturbate while he licks my pussy – but he’s not asking me for them. He asks me for his desires, and I’m happy to fulfill them.

And yet when I ask, its in a childlike way that makes it sound unappealing. “You wouldn’t possibly be interested in maybe doing XYZ, would you?” Whether he says yes or no doesn’t matter, because I’ve already framed it in my mind that he doesn’t want to. Even when he says yes I still don’t believe he wants to be there – because I believe if he loved me, he should be spontaneously offer me exactly what I want while I lay back in silence. And simultaneously I’m programming him to believe I don’t really want it either, so of course he rarely surprises me with my own desires. Why would he? I make it sound as fun as a bag of rocks.

Intellectual knowledge can be deceiving. Understanding how society programs us is interesting, but that understanding has done little to change my reality. Frustrating. Now I find when I examine how I act, rather than what I think, I find a window into subconscious beliefs I didn’t know I had. We live under an illusion that we’re in control of our lives, that we should and do act from a rational, logical, conscious place. But most of our behaviors come from subconscious programming we picked up from friends, family, school, religion, and the media.

If sex isn’t going your way, take a look at how you’re behaving. How are you creating the situation? What are you doing or saying – or NOT doing or saying – that’s contributing to your outcome (or lack thereof)? Its easy to blame our partners for what we’re not getting, because its not easy or fun to look within. But that’s where the answers lie.

Posted: June 4th, 2012 under Beliefs - 2 Comments. Tags: , , ,

If Someone Has a Sexual Fetish Does That Make Them a Creep?

Several times in my “career” as a fetish model, I’ve encountered the “fetishists are creepy” stereotype.

Many people believe that if someone is aroused by, say, farts, they must be a complete weirdo in all aspects of life. They must be “that guy” (always a guy) who calls random people in the phone book and just breathes heavily into the phone, the guy who walks around in a trenchcoat waiting to flash young girls, who’s caught masturbating in the public library. Or worse, I’ve heard fetish is “serial killer shit” – that only someone crazy enough to murder people could possibly get off on (insert weird fetish of your choice).

Sure, there are weirdos. I get emails and tweets from them. But far more often, they’re neutral – neither nice nor mean, polite nor rude. And its not uncommon for them to be kind, intelligent guys who I could surely enjoy a cup of coffee with if I’d met them at a job or school.

Its not WHAT a person is into that makes them a creepazoid or not. Its how they handle it.

Consider a breast fetish. Most people wouldn’t say they have a FETISH for breasts because in our society breasts are seen a sexual. But a guy jerking off to a video of bouncing boobs is no different from the dude who masturbates to videos of women’s feet. Its sexualizing a specific part of the body, also known as “partialism” among psychologists. No different from the ladies who can’t get enough of The Situation’s “situation” (Lord knows his sparkling personality can’t be carrying all those girls back to the Jersey Shore house). Social convention leads us to label the same sort of act in different ways.

Our fellow with a boob fetish could express it in “normal” ways. Admiring photos and videos of breasts, licking or sucking on their partner’s tits, even fucking and ejaculating on them. He also could express it in a creepy way, by grabbing random women’s breasts in public. By refusing to make eye contact with a female, and rather stare her in the chest. By murdering women so he could cut their breasts off and save them as a souvenir.

In my experience, I get about as many tweets, comments and emails from guys being weird about “normal” sex as I do fetishes. Who somehow assume I’m putting naked photos and videos of myself on the internet because I want to fuck THEM. Who send me their phone number (expecting I’ll call???). Who send me a picture of their dick like I should be impressed (I’m not).

Guys can get really creepy, but its not categorical – its attitudinal.

Posted: May 30th, 2012 under Fetish - 3 Comments. Tags: ,

Communication: How to Have a Difficult Conversation

Communication is the glue that makes relationships work, yet we all seem to have a difficult time sharing our real thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Its true of sex, work, family, friendships, even your relationship with your doctor, accountant, or banker. Communication is how we share who we are and how we get what we want. When we don’t communicate, we’re not being real and we’re definitely not getting what we want.

Sex educator Reid Mihalko says, The plain truth of intimacy is this: It’s what we’re not saying in our relationships that’s slowly killing them.

Here is his simple 2-step ‘formula’ to help you communicate with anyone in your life:

Step 1: Find some time alone and write down the answers to the following questions, in the order they appear… Just write for 3-5 minutes on each question, non-stop. Try to keep the pen moving or your fingers typing for the full 3-5 minutes. Write all the crap swirling around in your head and get it on paper or a computer screen. If you get stuck, write: “I’m stuck. I can’t think of anything…” until your brain unsticks itself. Keep moving!

A. What I’m not saying to ___(my partner, my boss, the hottie at the bar)__ is ___________________.

B. What I’m afraid might happen if I say it is ___(Remember, you’re brainstorming! Your list can’t be too long! The longer the better!)___.

C. What I’d like to have happen by saying this is ___(Write down all the positive things you can think of!)____.

Step 2: Cut and paste your answers into this this script below which will be the script that you can memorize or read from when you talk to so and so. It can also be the script that you use to email them, etc.:

Dear ___(partner, boss, hottie at the bar)__, there are some things I’ve not been saying to you. I’m not saying them/haven’t been able to say them, because I’m afraid the following might happen:

(Answers from B here)
(Answers from B here)
(Answers from B here)

What I would like to have happen by my telling you is:

(Answers from C here)
(Answers from C here)
(Answers from C here)

And what I’m not telling you is (Answer from A here).

Thank you for listening. What, if anything, would you like to share?

An Example:

Here’s an example of a Difficult Conversation Formula Script all filled in with a situation which, unfortunately, might be all too common these days…

“Dear partner, there are some things I’ve not been saying to you. I’m not saying them, because I’m afraid the following might happen:

- You will lose all respect for me
- You’ll divorce and leave me
- You will take the kids away and I will never see them again
- You will never forgive me and I’ll have no chance of rebuilding your trust in me

What I would like to have happen by my telling you is:

- For you to know that I would never lie to you and that you trust me more
- That when I lie or hide something from you, I’ll try to come clean as quickly as I can
- That we reach a deeper level of love, trust and intimacy in our relationship
- That we role model for our children that it’s possible to make it through tough times

And what I’m not telling you is I was let go from my job a week ago and I was too afraid and ashamed to tell you and I’ve been spending my days at Starbucks applying for jobs without much success yet.

Thank you for listening. What, if anything, would you like to share?”

Posted: May 27th, 2012 under Communication - No Comments.

Masculine vs Feminine, Men’s vs Women’s Sexuality: Desire

Differences in men’s and women’s sexuality: what do we desire?

Men’s sexuality tends to focus on a specific act or the orgasm, where women’s sexuality takes a “journey.” As a generalization, of course, but one I find true for myself, my friends, and people who email me sex questions.

Here’s an example from my own life –

Him: What do you want?

Me: I don’t want anything specific. I just want to spend time with you and have sex, but I don’t really care what we do. I just want to do whatever feels right at the time.

Him: So… you want me to fuck your pussy? But I thought you’re ovulating.

Me: [Frustrated groan.] No, I don’t care about fucking my pussy. And we can’t now anyway [yes, I am ovulating]. I just want to enjoy being with you and whatever happens, happens.

Him: So… what do you want to do?

The next morning:

Him: I know you want me to eat your pussy or something, but you’re acting sad and that’s not a turn on.

Me: [Frustrated ughhhh] I don’t care about you eating my pussy. I just want to be sexual with you and not plan out what happens. Maybe you eat my pussy, maybe you don’t. It feels like either I’m “servicing” you or you’re “servicing” me. It doesn’t feel like we do much together.

Him: Well that’s because we like different things.

Me: No it isn’t. I want to do what we both like, at the same time. I want to get turned on by you getting turned on and enjoying yourself. I want us both to have fun together, doing a bunch of different things. Its not that I don’t like how we do things, its just too task-oriented. Its too masculine, with a specific goal. Its like that John Gray guy says, its fast food sex where you order your specific items, vs gourmet meal sex where you have all these different things at the same time in a nice setting.

I’m not asking you to do any specific act with me, I’m just asking for your time. I want the context where I can feel close to you and REALLY get turned on. I crave that connection with you. Whatever we do doesn’t really matter.

Posted: May 20th, 2012 under Women's Sexuality - 1 Comment. Tags: ,

A Lesson from Grandma’s Cookies: Guilt, Shame, and Disassociating From my Body

I bought a double chocolate Grandma’s cookie from a convenience store. Got in the car and mindlessly ate half a cookie when I realized – I wasn’t enjoying it. I barely even tasted it. Not because I don’t sometimes crave the taste of artificially flavored chocolate goodies (I do).

I stared at the remaining half of my cookie and realized: I felt guilty eating it. I didn’t even look at the ingredients because I knew it was full of crap I don’t normally eat – high fructose corn syrup, loads of preservatives, possibly titanium or silicon dioxide or baking soda laced with aluminum. I knew it would only make my candida (overgrowth of yeast in the intestines, causing vaginal yeast infections) worse. So even though I wanted it, bought and paid for it, when it came time to eat it – I disassociated from the experience because I felt bad.

Like many women, I used to struggle with my weight – going back and forth from a starving myself 85 pounds to binge eating my way to 135 or 140 (note: I’m only 5′). Learning about the fucked up food system, the effect of GMOs, HFC, and various toxins on the body, and how processed sugar creates yeast problems led to a huge change in my eating habits. I’m probably 95 pounds now, not because I want to be thin, but because that’s just where my body lands living on organic food (including goodies) and lots of vegetables. But I never let go of feeling guilty for eating what I want.

What does this have to do with sex?

I do the same freaking thing. It used to be every time I asked for something sexual and I got it, I’d become extremely anxious, disassociate, and not feel a thing. I felt I shouldn’t be having sex, wanting what I wanted, enjoying my body. I like to think I’m over these things, because I intellectually know better and do have some amazing experiences, but that old programming remains. When it starts feeling REALLY GOOD, my mind will often find a million and one reasons to stop it – I have to pee, I need a drink, I need to change positions, I’m out of breath, I need to put laundry into the dryer – it doesn’t matter whether its true or not. Its an excuse my mind uses to take me out of this pleasurable experience.

I’ve spent a ton of time and energy blaming my partners for my lackluster sexual experiences. But the most frustrating thing about it is – I realize now – no matter what they could have done (or what my husband currently does), it makes no fucking difference if MY autopilot response is to check out. That’s all me.

But the great thing is – its all me. I can change it.

I stared at my cookie and decided I was going to savor every bite of its artificial chocolately goodness. Okay, maybe I only savored a half of it. But it was a start.

Posted: May 14th, 2012 under Embodied Sexuality - No Comments. Tags: ,

Kinky Fetish Sex is Easy… “Making Love” is a Challenge: Reflections on My Version of Women’s Sexuality

Women’s sexuality: What does it mean? More pointedly, what does it mean to me? What does it (or men’s sexuality, for the guys) mean to you?

Just as we all like different foods, so too do we like different sex. We each have a unique emotional relationship to the foods we eat. Some overeat while others starve themselves; I’ve often used food for comfort myself. We similarly have a unique emotional experience with our sexuality, shaped by our own baggage, hangups, and those things we call our “issues.” So what is women’s sexuality (or men’s, for that matter)? All I can say is, here’s mine at the moment:

Though I make porn for a living, my primary social circles aren’t in the adult industry. When I talk with “civilians” (people outside the industry) and explain my vision and how I’m working toward it, I’m often complimented on my bravery. People who see my YouTube videos email me their questions, nothing things like, “I’m not as open about my sexuality as you,” and “You’re so courageous for taking on these fetish topics and expressing yourself.”

Not to toot my own horn, but they’re right. It took almost 3 years of producing and starring in my videos before I really felt confident in my choices. It was a huge challenge to follow my exhibitionist desire to experiment on camera, not to mention exploring more private desires in my personal life.

But they’re also wrong. Its become fairly easy to express the wild crazy aspects of my sexuality. I am an exhibitionist. I am pretty kinky. I do have a dirty mind. I will try new sexual things for the hell of it. I have no problem sharing and acting out these fantasies with my husband. And its no big deal to do crazy shit on camera, whether its my personal fetish or not. I fully accept and love that part of myself.

But that’s not the only side of my sexuality. There’s a softer side, a more – for lack of a better word – feminine side. This part of myself seems to be a deeper challenge – the part of myself that truly allows myself to feel physical pleasure. Fetish, for me, is largely a mental desire. As someone who’s lived most her life in her head, it feels natural. It feels good too, but the turn on and get off comes primarily from the mind.

But oral sex, for instance, is physical. Its my partner using their mouth to (theoretically) make me feel good. Its all about my pussy. “Making love” (or “playing” as I prefer to call that sort of sex), to me, is about sensual pleasure. His goosebumps beneath my fingers, the taste of his saliva, the smell of our sweat mixing together. His mouth on my clit, his fingers at my g-spot.

And at present, that can feel scary. Its vulnerable, to ask for what I want, sensually, and to allow myself to receive it. To let that guard down with another human being present. Hell, even to do so with myself at times. Its not that it never happens – I know how amazing it is because I HAVE experienced it – but I’m also aware I’ve put up walls to protect that part of myself.

I get emails all the time from men who are too afraid to be vulnerable and share their fetish with a partner. In some ways, I’m no different.

Sex “problems” are a window into the psyche. T. Harv Eker says, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” I can only speak for my experience, but when I’m scared to be vulnerable in sex, I’m also afraid to be vulnerable with my family and friends. Just as I was scared I wouldn’t be loved for my wild side, I’m still terrified I won’t be loved for my feminine side. Perhaps I’m not yet in love with that part of myself.

Some people see me as a sex expert, but I’m still learning just like them.

I challenge you to consider: Are you “in touch” with your masculine or feminine sides (we all have both)? If not, how does it show up outside the bedroom (or wherever you like to fuck)?

Posted: May 12th, 2012 under Women's Sexuality - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Sex Tips From Porn Star Nina Hartley: What if My Partner is Shy About Sex?

Legendary porn star Nina Hartley gives her sex tips on dealing with the sexually shy.

My favorite sex tips from Nina: find a way to be supportive, truly supportive. Don’t judge or get frustrated with your partner’s inhibition; that will only push them further away. Be a role model for your partner, show them what a happy, healthy, sexy person looks and acts like by the way you approach their issues.

And I second Nina Hartley’s recommendation of Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen. Made me realize I’ve always been an exhibitionist – I was just too scared to let that side of me out.

Posted: May 2nd, 2012 under Sex Tips - No Comments. Tags:

Mind Over Matter: Making Your Fetish into Mine, or What its Like to Star in Fetish + Fart Porn

As a model, director, and producer of fetish and fart porn, I often must act as if I’m aroused by something that I’m, well, generally not.

Its a test of the mind, one I enjoy taking. Contrary to stereotypically bad mainstream porn, with a model who’s barely even pretending she likes it, I fully admit I’m often acting in my films, in one respect or another. I don’t pretend to eat farts in my everyday life, but I do a great job on camera. Or so my fans say. Know what? I’m not really a giantess either – I’m only 5′ tall (or short).

To produce quality clips, I have to get into the mindset of someone with the fetish. The more experience I have with any fetish, the better my videos; if I’m not there, they come across awkward, empty, hollow. The best clips are when I’m able to get myself turned on, when I understand the fetish and can act so well that I feel it in my body. I can tell when I’m filming, whether or not I’m ‘on.’ When I watch these clips later, they turn ME on, even when its not my ‘thing.’ I fully believe my own performance. These are also the best selling.

Two ridiculous stereotypes propagated not only in the mainstream media, but also by certain doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, sex therapists, sex coaches, and particularly tantric practitioners – that adult models are damaging their own sexuality and psyche by performing for others’ sexual needs, and that fetish in and of itself is perverse and detracts from “normal” sexual functioning. Sure, these can be true.

But in my case, its the opposite. Making fetish porn has dramatically improved my sex life. First, its shown me that my own “abnormal” desires are perfectly fine. Normal, even, in that we’re all weirdos in our own way. Trying to push those fantasies away made me obsess over them, over what was wrong with me and how I could get rid of them. I still have those fantasies, but they’re not so shamefully consuming. They’re available when I want, and I can set them aside when I don’t.

Second, by freeing up this crippling shame, I now have the energy to actually feel good during “regular” sex. If I can learn how to sexualize a fart, I can certainly learn to enjoy having my pussy licked, something I couldn’t really say 5 years ago that I absolutely love now.

I welcome almost any opportunity to stretch my erotic imagination. Why shouldn’t I? Why should we be so scared to explore, when there’s a sexual circus out there waiting for us to come play?

Posted: April 29th, 2012 under Fetish - 1 Comment. Tags: , , , ,

How to Eat Pussy: What to Do After She Has Her Female Orgasm

Woo, she had a female orgasm! But wait, your how to eat pussy lesson isn’t over yet…:

Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate.

I also enjoy a hand pressed very firmly over the area for a minute or so.

 

How to Eat Pussy

How to Eat Pussy

Posted: April 28th, 2012 under Pussy Eating - 2 Comments. Tags:

Phthalates in Sex Toys: Keeping Your Dick, Pussy and Ass Safe

Be careful what chemicals are in your sex toys – phthalates are common ingredients that are linked to cancer

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I don’t care how good it feels to masturbate, it ain’t worth getting sick.

More on safety and sex toys here.

Posted: April 27th, 2012 under Sex Toys - 1 Comment. Tags:

How to Communicate About Your Fetish

We’re not always into what our partners assume. How can you share your fetish with a partner without hurting their feelings?

Email from a reader:

I have a bit of a weird sort of anti-fetish, I’m not really into boobs or the ass like most men are, I prefer smooth long legs and a nice mid-drift and belly. I often feel uncomfortable when I’m in a personal situation and a woman asks if I like her ass or boobs. I play affectionately with them, but that’s about it really. Is this normal for other guys too, and how do I break my  lack of attraction to boobs or ass to my respective partner?

Everyone has their own preferences, so you’re certainly not alone.  

From your question, it doesn’t seem you’re repulsed by tits and ass – but they’re not what turns you on.  In that case, I wouldn’t tell a woman you’re NOT into those body parts.  It may make her feel bad (she’s probably used to being admired for them) and she probably enjoys having you touch them.  Instead, affirm they ARE hot, while complimenting her on what you’re really into:

“Yeah they’re sexy.  And you know what I think is really hot?  Your legs and belly.”  

When you find yourself noticing her legs and midriff, compliment her.  In time she’ll understand that’s what you’re into.  Continue to compliment her overall beauty also, so she knows you appreciate the whole package.

Posted: April 26th, 2012 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , ,