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I’ve Moved!

You might have noticed things look a little different here.

This blog is closing, but have no fear, a new one is here: SexuallyAwkward.com

Select old posts will be re-released, plus tons of new, fun, sexy, interesting content.

Thanks for the eyeballs, and I hope you enjoy my new project just as much, if not more. :)

And to see me naked doing weird things, click here!

Posted: September 16th, 2015 under Uncategorized - No Comments.

I Wanna Share My Fetishes!!!

Question via Tumblr: hey i just meet a girl and i relly what to tell here about my fetishes like my diaper fetish how can i tell her

Well congrats on meeting someone :) That’s always very fun and exciting.

Its great you want to share your fetishes with her. Unless you met her in a BDSM or fetish type of setting, I think fetish discussion will usually happen slowly and is really going to depend on your girl. Not everyone is comfortable with fetishes – sometimes they’re just not into them, but often they just don’t understand them, and sadly we often judge a book by its cover. Whether she’s open or not depends on her own sexual tastes and how comfortable she is exploring. Chances are she doesn’t have a diaper fetish and she may have never heard of it. So I’d suggest feeling out how kinky she is and maybe share some ‘lighter’ fetishes (everyone’s heard of a foot fetish, for instance, and its not usually seen as that ‘creepy’) before going to the more socially ‘out there’ ones.

Realize a few important things here -

1 – She will have her own reaction to each new sexual/fetishistic thing you introduce.

2 – Her reaction may or may not line up with your desires. Her initial reaction may stick, or she may change her feelings if she’s open to learning more. A range of possible reactions may include:
- She just so happens to secretly share your fetish, or something similar, and is super excited to have found you!
- She’s totally fascinated and wants to try.
- She’s interested to learn more.
- She’s okay with you liking it but is unsure about participating.
- She’s okay with you liking it but doesn’t want to participate.
- She’s unsure about it.
- She doesn’t like it but is open to learning more.
- She doesn’t like it but is content to ignore it and never talk about it again.
- She doesn’t like it and becomes judgmental.
- She doesn’t like it and never wants to talk to you again.

3 – Whether or not she is cool with your fetishes is in no way an evaluation of your worth as a romantic/sexual partner or more broadly, as a human being. Regardless of how compatible you are in other ways, you two simply may or may not be sexually compatible.

4 – Depending on her reaction, you may or may not want to continue seeing her. All relationships require compromise, so if she isn’t interested in some way that’s centrally important to you (i.e. you want her to participate but she does not want to), its up to you to decide whether you can happily live with something less (maybe you just do it on your own without her). In time she may change her mind, or she may not – and that’s her freedom to do so.

Its up to you to decide what’s necessary and what’s optional in your relationships. At the same time, I’ve seen people with fetishes be so adamant that their partner fulfill their fetish in a specific way that it actually pushes away potential partners who might be open in some way. Its a balance between being true to yourself and your needs, and being flexible enough to let another person with their own wants, needs and desires into your world. Its really no different from any other element of relationships (religion/spirituality, how money is handled, cooking and meals, the importance of family, etc.).

As far as how to specifically tell her – I’ve done a lot of podcasts & blogs on communication so I’d suggest you check out some of these:

How to Talk About Sex
How to Talk About Your Fantasies
How Do I Get Her Into My Foot Fetish?
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 1
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 2

Good luck!

Posted: November 6th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Is It Too Late To Let Go of My Shyness?

Question via Tumblr: Hello, My name is Dave. I’m 50 years old l’m and still a virgin. I’ve been overweight since puberty and underwent extreme mental and emotional abuse all through school because of it. In short, I was treated like crap. People I went to school with were very arrogant. I was raised by an anti social, over protective mother. I suffered extreme shyness until really only the last few years. I was never able to have any kind of life and now I think I’m too old to try to start one now. Am I past help.

Hi Dave, nice to “meet” you. Thanks for being patience in waiting for a response, I wanted to make sure I could give it the attention you deserve. It sounds like you’ve experienced some tough shit in your life, and it will probably take you some time to sort through it and grow past it. Childhood stuff is tough because we’re still forming our ideas about who we are, and if we see negativity reflected back to us, we assume that we’re somehow defective ourselves – as opposed to seeing others behavior or your environment as fucked up. What you experienced as a young child was particularly formative, because I’ve read that until the age of 7 or so, kids are ego-centric, meaning they think everything that happens in their life is in some way because of them. As adults we can understand others motivations and actions but as kids we think everything was our fault. And if those things never get resolved in us, we’ll continue to go through life as if its shit because we don’t deserve any better.

The fact that you wrote to me shows that you know its not too late to change your life. You’re only too old if you believe you are. I think a lot of people your age would say they are, even though they still have half their lives left!

You might be surprised to know, I’ve struggled with shyness and social anxiety most my life. As a child, I can’t remember NOT feeling that way. At age 4, my parents took me to a psychiatrist because I wouldn’t talk to anyone except my family & a couple close friends. He diagnosed me with ‘selective mutism,’ which meant I would only talk to select people, though (of course) I wouldn’t talk to him either so he couldn’t really help beyond that. Kids in school would make fun of me and ask me if I knew how to talk, which was humiliating, and funny enough my attitude-ridden ‘YES!’ were some of the few words they ever heard from me. My mom (who is also pretty shy) read me this book called Its Okay to Be Shy to try and help, though the way I felt was absolutely was NOT okay. It was horribly painful and made dread school and every day social situations. Of course, I couldn’t tell anyone that because I was so shy, so I remained in my shell. Anytime I had to talk to someone, my mind would run rampant with how stupid I am, how there must be something wrong with me. I would be so frozen I literally had nothing to say most of the time.

Coming out of that has taken time, patience, numerous therapists, books, writing, personal development seminars, spiritual exploration, and honestly, experiences on illicit substances that shifted my perspective on myself and the world (I’d say this was one of the most important things, all the other work grew from and supported these experiences). I still have difficulty communicating, I still get frustrated, anxious and frozen – but in time I’ve created new patterns of behavior and learned to deal with my emotions enough that comfort zone has gotten much bigger. Most people I meet would never guess I used to be so shy.

Change isn’t linear, in my experience it happens in steps. You’ll make some progress, then plateau. And when that happens, you’ll probably go all “poor me, my life sucks, I’m a loser [or whatever your personal insult of choice is], nothing will ever change.” But take enough steps and eventually you’ll come to accept the plateaus as important as the progress. Its when you take stock, see how things have changed, and whatever needs to be dealt with next will come up.

If you’re a reader, I’d suggest the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It comes from a Buddhist perspective, but you don’t need to be into Buddhism to appreciate it. Its written in plain English and is very easy to digest. I’m reading it right now.

Otherwise, a therapist would be most people’s first stop. Try one. Or two. Or three. Try a few out and see whether you click with them. There are so many different approaches to therapy and some will work better for you than others, and depending on what issues are most pertinent at the moment.

Basically you’re embarking on a journey to explore yourself, learn that you’re an awesome person, and how to share your awesomeness with others (and appreciate others’ awesomeness in your life). The more you can approach it as a game, an exploration, the chance to learn something new and fun and interesting about yourself and life more broadly – the better the trip will be and the more likely you’ll learn to live life on your own terms.

I hope this helps :)

Posted: November 4th, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments. Tags: ,

Fetish Problems: My Girlfriend Farts On Me But it is Inconsistent or Rare…

Question via Tumblr: Hello Kelsey, I have a deep fart fetish involving being forced to inhale farts. It’s on top of my desires as I am a submissive male. My girlfriend farts on me but it is inconsistent or rare. Do you have any suggestions on how to help this? Thank you:)

Talk more to your girlfriend about both your wants and needs when it comes to sex. That’s literally the only way you two will ever be sexually happy.

But first, realize this -

The thing with farting – and many other body worship / body odor / body function fetishes – is that the person was (typically) originally programmed that the act is dirty, disgusting, rude, etc. We’ve largely been conditioned that our bodies are gross and to take as many steps to shield people around us from coming into contact with our own grossness. Think about it – by the time you are dressed and ready for work in the morning – you’ve coated yourself in the scent of your soap, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, cologne (if you wear it), deodorant, and the smell in your laundry detergent. You smell like a random array of artificial flowers and musk and mountain sunshine, not like a human being. For women, its about 10 times more, with our body sprays and scented lotions and scented tampons. The message we get from an early age is: the natural human body is nasty and should be avoided at all costs. Especially the female body (hello, periods).

I’ve noticed this when I direct our fart fetish videos in particular, that while the viewer is getting off on the smell of their farts, its important that the model feel comfortable doing something she was originally taught was gross. Its a transition that slowly happens from when a model first walks in often feeling anxious and worried about what the shoot will be like, whether she’s going to push too hard and have an accident, whether we’ll judge her, whether it’ll smell too bad, etc – to by the end of the day she’s walking around farting and giggling and talking about it like its no big deal.

So just because you’ve shared your fetish or fantasy doesn’t mean the person is going to be automatically comfortable with it. Your partner has their own feelings about it that have nothing to do with you, directly, that bleed over into their interactions with you. If they’re uncomfortable in some way it doesn’t mean its a hard no, but it means you both need to talk about how you feel. And from there, you can find solutions that work for you both. Just recognize for something taboo, kinky or just plain different from what your partner has previously experienced or desired – it may take some time for them to become comfortable.

If she’s willing to do it sometimes, it means she’s open, at least to some degree. I think you’ll be most effective if you initiate a conversation about what you love about what you DO do, and how you two can have the happiest sex life possible together. And part of that would involve more of your fetishes, but for all you know, she’s got her own ideas of what she’d like. Talking about how you BOTH can be happy and acknowledging what IS working will be much more effective than complaining about what she’s not doing.

Also check out this post and KelseyEducation.com under Fetishes and Communication – there’s a ton more practical advice. Good luck :)

Posted: November 2nd, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Screaming in Silence

Last night I was sorting through boxes in my closet, when I came across one full of “memory stuff.” Old movie tickets (why did I save the ticket stub from Mean Girls?), faded airplane tickets, keepsakes (like the rocks I saved from Israel or the keychains my dad brought me from his business trips around the globe), random funny shit (such as a button reading, “I want to watch gay sex, can you help?” that a friend of mine actually wore to a local burning man event in 100% seriousness).

And cards. More than anything, the cards got me. Birthdays, graduations, Bat Mitzvah (which I did in college). I even found an anniversary card my grandma sent to my high school boyfriend and I; she still sent my parents cards on the anniversary of their first date, and so she continued the tradition with me and my boyfriend’s 5-year relationship. She LOVED him and thought we were going to get married (so did we).

I came across cards from the first (and only) woman I’ve truly loved. Telling me, “You are a wonderful, and intelligent person who is willing to be herself regardless of what anyone else thinks, and we wouldn’t want you any other way.”

I sorted through the few material objects left from earlier chapters of my life with mixed emotion. I was overwhelmed with the amount of love in my life. Maybe I was never the cool kid in school or the life of the party, but I’ve always had people around me who loved and cared.

I felt overwhelmed because at the time, there was always a part of me that felt unloved and unloveable.

And I see why. Despite my relationships with these people who cared for me, there was always something missing. I didn’t know what, exactly. All I knew is that a good deal of the time, I felt like I wanted to scream – but couldn’t. Nobody knew anything was missing because I didn’t – couldn’t – tell them. I didn’t know how to articulate what was wrong. No matter though, because I was terrified.

Almost every relationship (friendship or romantic) ended feeling as if the person didn’t really know me. How could they? I didn’t really know me. I struggled, diving first into my Jewish identity, then creating an academic identity and finally a feminist identity to define myself. And I found a part of myself in each of these environments, but none of them could ever explain the whole of me. Each ended feeling as though I either had to cut off the parts of my self that didn’t fit into the mold to cram myself in, or say fuck off entirely.

That thing that was missing is the part of me that decided one anxious sleepless night that yes, I would start a fetish website. It is the part of me that found freedom in the rave scene. The part that loves to dance, feeling the bass pounding through my body, hair flying in my face like a cavewoman, sweat dripping down my back, to electronic music that compels my muscles to move from deep within, mostly absent words to distract my mind. Its the piece that goes to pole dancing, learning to feel comfortable moving my body sensually, gracefully, to perform erotically (in my own eroticism) in front of others eyes. The parts of me that desire both worship and degradation, pleasure as well as pain – physically, emotionally, psychologically. The side that required altered states of consciousness to even access, at first. Its the part of me that craves adventure and exploration as much as grounding and depth.

Simply put: I did not feel ALIVE in my body. I primarily occupied my mind – a busy, anxious, categorizing, judging, evaluating, critiquing, weighing and measuring space.

I had people who cared for me – the me I was able to be at the time – but I was only partially there. Relationships can only be as deep as the people in them, and while all of my relationships have had those moments of seeing, I was too scared and lacked the emotional skills needed for intimacy to be the rule, not the exception. The logical, rational good student side was well known and praised, but just being her was not fulfilling in itself. She was successful, from a social perspective. She amassed a long list of internships, volunteer positions, conference presentations and grants. She felt proud of her accomplishments yet worried they were never enough and anxiously feared failing, as her worth was based largely on the grades on her papers, lists of accolades, and praise from parents, teachers and other figures of authority.

It could only be that way, because that’s what I allowed – that’s all I COULD allow – to exist. As much as I longed to feel life pulsing through my veins, I was scared, and frankly had no clue how that happened or if it was even possible.

It was confusing. Everybody around me seemed content to do those normal things we’re “supposed” to do. Nobody else appeared to be struggling, at least not at the depth I felt. But then, without having the words to describe, and too scared to even try, how could I have known that? I assumed based on what I observed. Maybe they couldn’t explain it either.

I believe this “journey” of exploring my sexuality has been mostly about bringing out that part of me that wants to feel alive. Its about sex, but its more than that, its about the person who comes to the sex and how she relates to it. Its about how I meet those feelings of desire and what I do with it. Its about creativity and femininity. Its about sensuality and experience. Its making friends with those parts of myself and allowing them to come out and play.

It is not logical or rational and I will never receive a good grade for it. And that is exactly why it means so much more. It is not that I disavow my intellect, but rather that the ‘good/smart girl’ isn’t who I am, its simply a role I played for many years and the vehicle through which I related to most people in my life. Yet I am also NOT asserting that this newer, more adventurous part is “really me.” Replacing one limiting identity with another only repeats the problem, just from the other side. The “real me” is made up of both. And probably other parts yet to be discovered.

My goals now entail some mix of stability with adventure. Mind with body. I want to organize my life so I can spend 2-3 hours a day reading and writing. I want to make the space for yoga or meditation every day to simply ‘be.’ And at the same time, I want to expand into ‘performing’ for other porn companies, fetish and mainstream. I want to feature dance. I want to create the sex education/porn site I was originally aiming to turn this blog into. And I’m planning a wedding at Electric Daisy Carnival in 2016.

Simply put: I want to live my life as myself, doing things that I want to do, with awesome people around me. And I am willing to do the work to make those things happen.

With sexual anorexia, or any type of “anorexic” behavior, people frequently ping pong between hyper-control and completely out of control. Just like the addict may go back and forth between life off the rails and Jesus. My concern has been that my desires aren’t “real,” that they’re just part of a cycle that will end up as unfulfilling as the intellectual-control side. That they’re a reaction to feeling stifled, not true desires. That’s been my fear, still feeling that I “should” live a more normal life (never mind that statistically normal is unhealthy, unhappy and in debt). I’ve been afraid, most basically, that my desires are wrong because they’re not validated by any of my typical mechanisms I’ve gone to for approval. But desire doesn’t care about rules, such is its nature.

What tells me this is “real” and not reaction is that having ALL of these things together gives me a sense of balance. I am equally “out there” as I am “in here,” only now both are increasingly grounded. Meaning I do not feel overly controlled with the associated mental, emotional and physical tension. Nor does it feel out of control with the associated anxiety and shame. It feels as if I am standing on solid ground, and the space is free for me to use as I like.

That space is simply life.

Posted: October 10th, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments.

Open Relationship vs. Cheating

I’m on FetLife, though I rarely use it. But occasionally I get an interesting message, such as this one:

You look beautiful, quick question I am married too, but I am looking to have a open relationship as well, any suggestion? because I can’t discuss this matter with my wife, she wouldn’t understand

If you can’t talk about it with your wife, its not an open relationship. Its cheating. The basis of an open relationship is trust, honesty, and communication.

Try the books Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino to understand better how these things actually work.

Good luck.

Posted: October 8th, 2014 under Open Relationships - No Comments. Tags: ,

I Am Not a Fantasy

I sell fantasies for your viewing pleasure.

However I am not a fantasy. Much as I’d like to be one, hair all flowing, looking perfect, saying just the right thing… I’m oddly attracted to a fetish I’ve recently discovered called ‘bimboification,’ where girls are ‘transformed’ into being the perfect sex object. But this is, of course, a fantasy and funny enough nowhere near my radar when I started porn. Becoming a sex object was the last thing I ever intended. I was always more focused on my own personal experience and my desire to understand sexuality then trying to get the approval of horny penises around the world. (Though I’d be lying if I said they played no part in my performance. I like being watched.)

The funny thing about the fantasy I sell is that its mostly predicated on doing completely (socially) unattractive things like fart, burp, and sweat. I love doing things like this because to me, it humanizes my body, it shows I’m living and breathing and not airbrushed or plastic.

But porn is porn. Media is media. And where there’s an image on a screen, someone (probably a lot of someone’s) will long for the image to be real in their very own bedroom.

Its not and it never will be.

I don’t reply to most of my emails because I simply don’t have time, but I took a good hour to write out a response to a really super nice one yesterday. The man was so ‘envious’ (to use his word) of Terry and our relationship, wishing he could find someone like me.

I am always flattered to read emails like this. I also always want to laugh because they’re largely divorced from the reality that is my life. People think they know me because they see me all over the internet – doing something for less than 5 hours on camera each month, only 0.6% of my life. This sliver of my life, most of which wouldn’t even happen if we weren’t filming a commercial product, defines me in many people’s eyes. Its an interesting experience to be known for something so minor (time-wise), yet also so outrageous (content-wise).

I’m sharing my response here to shed light on the other 99.4% of the time I’m not doing bizarre things in front of a camera.

Thank you for your very kind email. Your words are very flattering and it makes me happy you’ve taken a liking to my work :)

As awesome as it is to get emails like this, I have to point out that while I may be your fantasy — the thing you’re desiring is exactly that, a fantasy. Terry didn’t meet the person you see online today. That person has evolved from a painfully shy socially awkward little girl (who I still feel like pretty often). In fact, the only reason you even know who I am is precisely because I had so much anxiety about sex, it was so painful for me, that I had to do SOMETHING about it. And that something ended up being porn, just so that I had a place where I could interact with other people in a sexual sense. So I could learn about what other people did, what turned them on, what different bodies looked like. And hopefully somewhere in there, begin to feel good about my own and share that part of myself with my partners. The extent to which I am comfortable with some elements of sex now (definitely not everything) is in direct proportion to how UNcomfortable I used to be.

I am often playing a balancing act between being authentic and being, for a lack of a better word, attractive. Please realize, I love what I do, but what I do is create a commercial product; its not a hidden camera in my bedroom. Selling that product entails presenting myself on the internet as attractive so that you want to watch my videos. On video everything happens perfectly and I’m wonderfully sexy and seductive and in a fantastic mood. So of course you want me! And that does happen sometimes in real life, its awesome when it does!

Terry and I, like many couples, seem to fit together perfectly at the same time as we can trigger one another perfectly. We don’t fight so much as I become emotionally overwhelmed and cry hysterically and he sits in silence. Neither of which facilitates open communication, especially about sex. In fact, we just spent last evening and several hours this morning communicating about how exactly we communicate, when it works why it works, and when it doesn’t why it doesn’t. Going back and forth – when you say X I feel Y, well when you feel Y you do Z and that makes me feel Q, etc, etc, etc. With this (super fucking difficult) conversation, like many others, we’ve helped open one another’s eyes to our behavior and how it affects each of us. If there’s anything special about our relationship, its only that we’re committed to working through shit and growing where we need to, even when its hard. And its the working through shit that brings us closer and makes sex (and everything else) better. I mean who gives a fuck if your sexual interests align if you can’t get your shit together to actually connect? That’s what I’m slowly but surely learning to do.

There can be times when I’m a complete emotional anxious mess – I just decided a long time ago never to put that out onto social media. Its embarrassing, unattractive, and obnoxious. At the same time I can’t sell a fantasy of myself – I can’t bring myself to act as if I’m the always horny porn star who gets off on everything the viewer happens to – I have to be real to some degree, so I try to write on my blog (KelseyEducation.com) as I learn how to handle my emotions, have fun with my work and deepen my relationship with Terry.

I hope this doesn’t kill your interest in my work completely, but I’d rather be honest than help perpetuate an unrealistic fantasy about myself.

And then I gave him some links to my podcast to help the guy out. I’m not an asshole (all the time). I’m just not a fantasy.

Posted: October 5th, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

The Joy of Discovering Your Butthole

Anonymous asked: Hi c: so I just discovered playing with my asshole and I was wondering if you had any other fun things I could try! Thank you, and I love your blog!

Answer:

Well congratulations on discovering how much fun your butthole can be.

Its hard to know what ‘other’ things to tell you without knowing what you’ve already tried!

But(t) – fingers, tongues, penises, vibrating toys, and graduated plugs can all be fun in there.

Some people enjoy deep penetration, others like the feeling of spreading and stretching the butthole open with wider toys. Some like it to be ‘fucked’ (moving something in and out) and others just like how it feels for something to be sitting in there.

The only way you’ll know what you like is to try, and that’s the fun part :)

Posted: September 15th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags:

What’s a Diaper Fetish?

individualcole asked: Hi Kelsey, I’m a really big fan. I recently revealed to my girlfriend all of my fetishes and she has fortunately been very accepting, I wanted to ask if you could make a YouTube vid explaining the diaper fetish, I can’t seem to explain to her myself.

Answer:
That’s awesome!!!

I haven’t made any YouTube videos in 2-3 years – I’ve been focusing more on my podcast. I don’t think I’ve ever talked about diaper fetish specifically, but I’m happy to share what I know here, if you want to share it with your gf.

There seem to be a few different versions of the diaper fetish – some people enjoy simply wearing diapers, while others combine it with some form of ‘age play’ or ‘age regression.’ So there’s the fetishized object – the diaper – and there’s the context in which its used.

Some people actually use the diapers for their intended purpose, some only #1 while others let it all go, while still others only like how they look or feel without using them to go to the bathroom.

Those who enjoy age play or something related, may also like playing with pacifiers, dressing in ‘baby’ clothes, or even roleplaying with someone to be their ‘parent’ to change them, feed them, put them to bed, etc. Age play is a huge fetish that ranges from people pretending to be infants all the way up to teenagers. It could be loving, it could be disciplinarian, it could involve setting rules and guidelines for the ‘little one’ to (attempt to) obey and punishments for when they don’t.

So the diaper fetish can be very simple or quite elaborate, depending on the individual’s preferences.

I think psychologically, diapers are often about a loss of control – either control over one’s bathroom functions (one of the very first things we learn in life) or control over one’s life more generally. Adult life is fucking stressful and most of us don’t learn to deal with it very well. So (temporarily) transforming into someone younger can be relaxing, taking one back to a time before bills had to be paid and important decisions had to be made. Plus they’re taboo and normally reserved for babies or the elderly who have lost that control (both physically and in other elements of their lives) – there can be an element of humiliation and embarrassment here too. Throw the embarrassment/shame/humiliation many people feel for simply having desires like this, and the diaper fetish can elicit a lot of different emotions.

Its actually a pretty diverse fetish and can be used in a lot of ways, depending what you (and your girlfriend) enjoy. Hope this helps a bit!

Posted: September 10th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: ,

But I Thought Feminism Gave Me Self-Esteem…

Apparently I don’t have very much self-esteem. At least not the way my therapist defines it.

I suppose she’s right. I’ve done a lot in my 31 years yet I rarely give myself credit for anything. I second guess almost every decision. I am constantly arguing with the voices in my head that aren’t really mine. Yet simultaneously getting confused sifting through the words echoing in my brain – are these my values or someone else’s?

Upon reflection, it would be accurate to say I am insecure in that I do not feel secure in myself. Because a lot of my time and energy is spent sorting out what IS myself and what is not. Even very basic things can sometimes consume me to the point where it stops me from doing what I want to do. I question what I want and whether I should want it, constantly looking for a reason not to take the very next step – the step that, a few steps back, I was aching to take. I am often pining for some time in the future, yet when that time comes I am terrified, frozen, unable to move. Then I pine for another time down the road. Until the tension gets so uncomfortable I take the damn step as I’m half-averting my eyes away. Sometimes I laugh that it was so easy. Other times I question whether I should have taken the step at all and worry endlessly about whether I should even be here. And I pine again for another time that will somehow be different, a few steps ahead of the one I’m struggling with. Up there, it’ll be easy.

It does get easier. Yet this is hard to acknowledge. There are starts and stops to personal growth. ’Ignorance is bliss’ isn’t accurate, though at times I reminisce as if it was. In ignorance I assumed it was all me. Now, even if I am insecure, I know deep down that I must be okay because I’m no different from anyone else. If I see value in other people, that logically means there is value in me. I love the ‘new age’ (though its more like super old) concept that we’re all connected, as if we’re each different manifestations of the same life. The same need to live that implores me to get out of bed every morning does to you, though it may look different (I have to pee, I’m hungry, my kids are screaming, my dog needs a walk, I’m late to work). Before I had this idea, the logical conclusion is that there was something wrong with me and other people were therefore better. Now from this perspective, if you’re a cool person then I must also be a cool person deep down (though you and I both may not act cool sometimes). This makes intuitive sense to me. It feels like one of those truths about the world. At least for now. And it operates to temper too much finger pointing at myself. Oh I’ll go at it with myself for awhile, but there IS an end point. There are increasingly happy breaks before it creeps in again.

It is hard to admit because I thought I was past these insecurities. I thought my time studying feminism somehow melted it all away when I decided whatever I read about that supposedly subordinated women, I’d just do the opposite. I decided I wouldn’t preoccupy myself with silly ‘women’s issues’ like beauty and babies because I’d be enacting patriarchy in my own life and no way in hell was I going to do THAT. And somehow by NOT doing things I read were cultural expressions of sexism and misogyny I would be free. Looking back it was actually more silly to think all my problems could have been erased by diverting my attention away.

Where feminism failed me was in developing my own sense of self worth. Feminism was paraded as empowering yet became another external metric to measure myself against. If only I could erase the impact of the patriarchy on my life, all would be okay. Almost all of the attention in feminist writing was on the ways we have been put down by a male dominated system. Which I do not disagree with, at least not in entirety (I now believe the problem is more an oligarchy than patriarchy, though those oligarchs have usually been men; nonetheless, men suffer under existing social conditions too, we all experience gender-based social pains). Yet I did not learn the many ways in which it was okay to be feminine, and okay to be a woman. I did not learn to be embodied, that is, to be present in my physical pleasures and pains. I was not taught how to establish healthy boundaries. I did not delve deeply into myself and my experiences to discover my unique gifts and the value I bring to the world. I mostly learned how the world suppressed them. And in reaction I tried to suppress anything that might have contributed. But in the process, I suppressed parts of myself that needed healing in exchange for false bravado. Just because someone yells something doesn’t make it true.

Those parts, and others pushed down far far earlier in my life, are now being stirred up. I’m feeling things I haven’t felt since I was a teenager. What was underlying my 10 years on anti-depressants (ages 14-24). Processing old, old emotions that feel fresh and new. My insecurity is at a high, though that isn’t necessarily new, I’m just finally looking at it. The form is much more overt.

I have so many rules in my mind, and my emotions are constantly getting set off when I break one, yet the ‘real me’ (the spiritual me, my soul or higher self) exists on a plane where those rules don’t make sense. Self-esteem, I’m now seeing, is about listening to that part of myself and trusting it. That’s what I’m learning to do.

Posted: September 5th, 2014 under Self Confidence - No Comments. Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes Conservative Christians Have a Point

I don’t agree with everything this woman says, but the judgment of her choices and beliefs is sadly common. This blog is fascinating because it demonstrates that no ideology can speak for everyone, especially not one that is said to speak for 50% of the population. Its ironic that while many people who consider themselves to be feminist have done some amazing things throughout history for women (and men) (and continue to do so) yet others use the term almost as a slur – how ABC people are NOT feminists because they believe or do XYZ (such as ‘sex workers can’t be feminists because they sell their bodies to men and contribute to the patriarchy’) – and that’s a problem. For them. Because they’re soooo unenlightened. The same way people who call themselves ‘liberal’ and listen to NPR often snub their nose at ‘conservatives’ who watch Fox News – not as if they simply reflect a difference of opinion, but as if the NPR-listener is inherently better, smarter, more advanced, more “progressive” (a term that has its origins in the eugenics movement & isn’t as historically awesome as people make it out to be).

Also I personally think we’re moving into a 4th wave of feminism… but more on that another time.

Originally posted on Tumblr.

Posted: August 13th, 2014 under Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Pleasure Doesn’t Always Look Pretty

I believe that’s KarmenKarma. Sure this looks violent and degrading and misogynistic. And it also looks fun (& if you follow her on Twitter, you’ll see she thinks so too). I enjoy having my breathing constricted. Pleasure doesn’t always look pretty. I’d say don’t judge a book by its cover, but realistically our brains are wired to take shortcuts like that, with so much information around us to be processed. So instead of not judging, being aware of one’s judgment of book covers opens up a space to ask – well is my judgment really legit? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. And even if it is for you, someone else may think its the best book ever written. As my dad would say, that’s why there are 64 crayons in every box (I don’t even know HOW many more there are today!).

Originally posted on Tumblr!

Posted: August 12th, 2014 under Blowjobs - No Comments. Tags: , , , , , ,

I Gotted What I Wanted

2 nights ago I wrote about desiring to be seen.

Last night I was.  

This is the odd way (some) things seem to happen lately.  I feel a desire.  I let it be. And shortly thereafter it happens to find its way into my life, without my explicitly trying.  It doesn’t happen all the time or for all of my wants.  It seems to happen the most when I’m calm and relaxed, when I allow myself to deeply feel my craving without judging or getting upset that I don’t have it.  When I accept that its not here but believe on some level that at some point it will be here.  

Writing this, it sounds a lot like what people call the law of attraction.  Whether that’s legit or not, all I know is my experience.  Which is…

We were on the DrSuzy.tv show last night.  Well I was (via Skype), and Terry came in the room at some point and joined me.  Even though I was with them virtually, I still had to get naked.  Well I didn’t HAVE to, its just a tradition that most people who come on the show get undressed to some degree.  I took my top off when we did “shots” that involved Terry licking salt off my boob (and I reciprocated, hah… though the shots were with water because we don’t drink much).  And then Dr. Suzy asked us to give a demonstration of some of my fetish work… which would have been smart if I had him lick my armpits and stuff since the aim of going on these shows is to promote my website, but at the time I wanted him to slap me and be rough with me so I went with that.  He slapped and choked and spanked me, just for a couple minutes, as I screamed and laughed both at the sensation and at hearing Dr. Suzy’s commentary on our actions in the background.  A good time was had by all.

After the show ended, we hung out on the couch talking.  We were both aroused from what we had just done, and he said he wanted to do my butt.  I said cool, though I had also been thinking about something else…  Which was something we’ve been into lately that we keep totally private so I won’t go into details.  I get nervous about this thing sometimes, but we both like it so I’ve been getting more comfortable bringing it up.  & I said hows about we do both.  

So we did the thing and it made my pussy so wet it completely soaked through my hot pink booty shorts, that is, until they came off.  I was VERY aroused, though sensation was kind of dampened, as happens sometimes when I’m nervous, but I still enjoyed myself.  A LOT.

And then we did the butt sex.  And I used my vibrator.  Which was awesome.  He slapped me and spanked me and spit on me, all the (not so) nice things I like.  At one point he accidentally hit me in the eye and I started crying for real out of shock, and he immediately stopped to ask what was wrong and hug me with his dick still in my butthole.  Real life sex has its lovely awkwardness that you don’t see in porn and romantic movies.  As soon as I was okay, we kept going til he cummed all up in my mouth.  As per usual.  Which was nice.

And after that Terry asked if I wanted him to finger me, which I’ve been into a lot lately.  This is a thing I get nervous to ask for even though I know he’ll say yes, so in the moment it made me happy that he offered.   I may not have asked otherwise because sometimes the anxiety of asking is so high that it disconnects me from my desire, so even if he says yes and does it, my body is no longer into it (this is the ‘sexual anorexia’ impeding what I want).  So I appreciated him offering because it saved me the internal struggle.

I was already super turned on from everything else we’d been doing, plus him asking if I wanted his fingers.  He fingered me while I rubbed my clit with my fingers and my vibrator.  And I got REALLY into it.  To the point where I was squirming and making weird noises and was so into the sensations in my body I forgot about anything else.  I was totally present and in the moment.  And even more, he wasn’t really doing that much to me.  I was the one fucking him, sliding my pussy up and down his fingers, angling my hips in different ways to feel him touch different parts of my insides.  It was 85% me.  That rarely happens.  And I’d like more of it.

In the midst of all this, was my desire I wrote about the other day: to be seen in my own eroticism, in my sexuality, as me, just me.  I was so enveloped in the pleasure my eyes were closed, but occasionally I would open them.  And every time I did, the first thing I saw were his eyes.  Completely focused on me.  Intensely watching me.  Taking me in.  As if me and my pussy were the only things that mattered in the world in that very moment.  

I was seen.

Despite all my fears, here is what did not happen:  I did not die.  I was not embarrassed.  I was not ashamed.  I was not overwhelmed.  I did not feel judged.  I did not cry.  I did not hide.  I did not stop.

Here is what did happen:  I felt alive.  I felt beautiful.  I felt that I mattered.  I felt connected.  I got turned on even more.  I kept going.  And when I wanted his fingers to do something different, I told him.  And he did it.  And I enjoyed it.  I REALLY FUCKING ENJOYED IT.  

It was so simple and yet I lack the words for just how profound it felt to me in the moment, and even still thinking about it now.  I hadn’t even told Terry yet my thoughts about that lap dance class, though I’d planned on it and have since.  Its not as if he completely knew what I wanted and gave it to me.  Nor could he really – I mean he could look at me, but I would have to allow myself to be seen to experience my desire.  I spent much of my childhood feeling invisible, trying hard not to be seen.  It takes far more than a flip of a switch for me to fully relax and open up.  My point being, I could never have MADE this happen.  In fact, any efforts in TRYING to be open only seem to shut it all down, to push my desires further away.

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

It just happened organically.  

It was not the first time something like this has occurred, either.

It makes me wonder if perhaps life is much more simple then we make it out to be.  

Posted: August 11th, 2014 under Desire - No Comments.

Learning to Give a Lap Dance

My pole fitness studio had a lap dance striptease class last night. I had $20 and no plans from 7:30-9 so I figured why not?

Its really more than that though (as it often is with me). This may seem silly, but I have always wanted to give a guy a lap dance, and the thought both arouses and scares me. I mean that makes sense for a regular woman. Most the women in class were nervous. But one might think because I am a sex worker and I make videos showing off my body it would be no big deal – so what’s the difference?

For starters, its ME who wants to give the lap dance. Terry would enjoy it but if I never ever did it during our lifetime together, he probably would die just as happy. I find it far far far easier to initiate something that we both want or that’s more for him, than something that’s mostly about me. That’s the one of the primary anxieties I experience as a “sexual anorexic.”

Porn has been surprisingly easy in this sense. Almost everything on my site has come from other people’s suggestions. If its something I’m comfortable trying, I do it. If people like it, I make more. A few years of doing this helped me discover certain fetishes I personally enjoy – mostly centered around body worship (feet, armpits, butt, mouth). Though I play the domme in some of my videos, I’m really much more submissive. Taking others ideas and enacting them is more an expression of my submissive side, even if I’m acting dominant. And I love my porn experience for that. Its given me various spaces to play and explore.

But I’ve come up against something that porn can’t help me with (and hopefully therapy can) – which is owning the desires I have, that are purely mine. It feels raw. It feels vulnerable. It feels exposed. It feels more naked than my nude body being all over the internet.

Which brings me to reason #2 for my anxiety – is that giving a lap dance highlights my body, my sensuality, and my sexuality. It is on display. In the open. To be seen – and only seen. Not touched, not acting, not roleplaying, simply being seen in my eroticism. In my desire to move my body in ways that feel sensual and feminine, in my desire to turn him on because I want him aroused. And because I want me aroused. Maybe that’s the scariest thing of all.

The sensuality of a lap dance is more than doing a set of moves, which we practiced tonight amidst much laughter and joking. Its my inner sex goddess, as my more new agey friends would say, that I yearn to connect with.

I came home and Terry was asleep on the couch. I don’t think I’m giving any lap dances tonight. And that’s okay because I’m not ready yet. But I had a good time and I’m glad I went!

Posted: August 9th, 2014 under Fantasy - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

Who’s Got Masturbation Shame?

I do I do!

Seriously, I’d think I woulda been over this shit by now. (I’ve written a bit about it before.)

But I’m notttttttt!

Or I wassssssn’t when I recorded this 6 weeks ago… (slow on the posting, to be sort of explained next podcast). The odd thing about shame is that talking about it kinda makes it go away some. So maybe listening to me talk about mine can help you give voice to yours…

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Posted: July 7th, 2014 under Masturbation, Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

What Triggers Your Shame?

So awhile ago I talked about shame. These were some of my most popular podcasts. And I was surprised. I wasn’t sure if talking about feeling like shit would be all that compelling. But apparently it is! If you can relate to my version of shittiness, that is. And I think most people can, in one form or another.

So I promised I’d talk about shame more about as I learn how to deal with it, let it go, overcome, or whatever happens such that its not the prevalent emotion in my life anymore.

Even Cats Feel Shame...

Even Cats Feel Shame...

And almost 6 months later, its largely not. Its not gone, but its not the #1 thing I feel when I wake up in the morning. That’s new and different. Almost uneasy, because while the shame felt terrible, it was familiar.

So here’s something I’ve realized – shame is an emotion. Emotions come and go. But feelings don’t just come from nowhere, something triggers them, whether or not we’re aware. (And most people are unaware, I was up until recently… and still sometimes.)

Which to me means identifying when the feeling of shame is triggered and what did I see/do/hear/say/remember that brought up that emotion.

And it turns out there are some sexual things that used to cause me a lot of shame. But that really don’t anymore.

At the same time, there are some sexual things that I still do feel ashamed of. Even when my logical brain says everything’s fine, and I wouldn’t judge anyone else for it.

So today I talk more about what I’ve noticed about shame, how it comes and goes, and what I’ve done to let it go.

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Posted: June 3rd, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Remember This When You Feel Pain, Shame, or Fear…

Whether you’re scared your partner won’t accept your fantasies, worried about how your body looks, feel deep shame from a religious upbringing, or any million other things that could be a “problem” in your sex life – remember these words…

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know…nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. Maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. If we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. It just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves. ”

— Pema Chödrön

Posted: June 1st, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments. Tags:

Treat People Like Bunnies!

via Tumblr:

you know what upsets me

bunnies have tons of sex

like supposedly always humping right

but does that affect how we look at bunnies?

no

do we still think bunnies are cute af?

yes

do we want bunnies any less because of their sex habits?

no

treat people like bunnies ok

this has been a psa

Posted: May 25th, 2014 under Morals - No Comments. Tags:

Butts: Clean or Dirty?

Question via Tumblr: Do you lady’s clean your ass holes first? I became disappointed to find out most pornography in the “ass cleaning” business actually clean the ass before having it “cleaned” how do you and the people you work with do it? Ps. I prefer a kinda dirty b-hole ;)

Imagine having near strangers all up in your genitals and a high definition camera zoomed in so close your pores are visible, knowing thousands if not millions may see it. Seriously, imagine that for a minute. That’s why (most) porn stars are a bit obsessive about cleanliness in that area. They’re generally trying to avoid embarrassment, being seen/experienced as smelling/tasting bad and (with anal) dealing with a mess. It can be awkward, and I’ve heard of (some) guys in boy-girl anal scenes getting all grossed out and judge-y. That doesn’t make a girl feel sexy and then makes the scene less hot. Plus to be freshly shaved and have nice looking hair, that usually requires a shower first, even for those of us who aren’t so concerned.

I personally prefer a person’s natural smells and tastes. As if they went to work all day and came home and that’s just how they are. Or (if I’m REALLY attracted to them) if they went to the gym and skipped a shower after.

For our sites like LesbianAssWorship.net, we let the girls do whatever they want. They’re the ones with their mouths all up in there. Some do nothing, others baby wipe their buttholes. Occasionally a girl is so worried she even does an enema just to have her ass licked. That’s rare, but it has happened.

For my site, I usually tell the girls that I’d rather they didn’t clean so much but to do whatever makes them comfortable. When I say that, some girls are like, “Oh, okay cool” and others still prefer to baby wipe. If they DO baby wipe, I have them at least rinse it off with water after because I’d rather taste nothing than the flavor of cleaning chemicals. As a courtesy, if a girl wipes her ass I’ll usually do mine too, just to make her comfortable. Its more important to me that a girl feel comfortable “letting go” and being (socially) dirty than the physicality of it, because you can’t see a taste or smell. But you CAN see if she’s worried or grossed out and it makes for a less sexy scene.

When I’m shooting with Terry, I do nothing at all. I am how I am. But that’s how we both prefer it anyway. When we shot his anal DVD, we told them not to do enemas unless it was a REALLY big deal to them. One of of four did. A couple were a bit anxious about it, but we said if it became an issue we’d stop and clean up and it wasn’t a big deal to us. And that made them feel better.

Moral of the story is, if you want a girl to be dirtier (whether physically or socially – doing things seen as “dirty”), she’s gotta feel like she’s not going to be looked at differently because of it.

But just like some people have super clean houses (I’m NOT one of those), some of them are just going to prefer being clean.

Posted: May 19th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: , ,

So Your Partner Isn’t Initiating Sex Enough?

via Conner Habib:

Friends, No one wants to feel unwanted. When you’re the one that’s always initiating sex in your relationship, it can feel like there’s a big imbalance, and that can cause big problems. Even if the sex itself is good, if you’re the one always pulling your partner into bed, or onto the kitchen floor, or into the Starbucks bathroom, or whatever, the fact that you’re starting it can create resentment. You find yourself wondering, Why am I always the one asking for sex? What’s this feeling all about, and what’s the best way to handle it? Here are four ways to deal…

Read more here!

(PS – I don’t normally link to the Millionaire Matchmaker’s website, since I disagreed with at least half of what she said on her TV show – yet still found it annoyingly entertaining – BUT Conner is a cool dude. Or so I’ve decided based on some of his other writing…)

Posted: May 16th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments.

Can You Just Decide To STOP Your Fetish?

Question via Tumblr: I’m over fetish porn, it is not going to be my main obsession in sex anymore. I’m done with thinking about all these nasty depraved acts. Goodbye Kelsey and all other fetish porn, it is not good for me. Have a great day.

And how are you going to accomplish that?

What are you going to think about instead? Are you able to simply turn your brain, your body and your emotions off?

If you are, you’re some fancy kind of robot.

Have you ever heard of a gay person simply deciding to straight? Or vice versa?

Are you able to simply stop liking your favorite foods? And begin despising your favorite music?

And the other way around – have you ever tried to enjoy something you simply don’t? To have feelings for someone you don’t care for? To like a TV show, movie, or song you’re at best indifferent to, at worst despise?

If it was easy enough to just stop thinking thoughts connected to actions we dislike (i.e., self-judge) – wouldn’t we all be healthier, happier, and richer? Or – what I sense is really underlying your goodbye note – more NORMAL?

I’ve heard this before, and I can tell you from first hand experience – you cannot just decide with your mind to stop desiring that which you want so much you orgasm over it. However, dealing with the shame felt about the desires can sometimes indirectly change them, or open up space for new and different desires. But that means a person must learn to allow their current desires to be, to accept them as they are. Otherwise one will yo-yo back and forth between denying themselves what they crave most, and shame-filled binges. Going through that though is sometimes part of the journey to acceptance.

So I wish you luck, while I fully expect you’ll be back. Come say hi, I’ll probably still be here.

Posted: April 30th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments.

When Do Women Orgasm During a Hookup?

What I find most interesting, is that (on average) women are more likely to orgasm during a hookup when (a) they touch their clitoris (duh), (b) she receives oral sex (duh), AND (c) they have ANAL sex (!).

Posted: April 19th, 2014 under Orgasm - No Comments. Tags: ,

An Embarrassing Story: Why You Should Only Use Toys Made For Your Butt, In Your Butt

People like to put all kinds of things in their orifices…

And sex educators always like to say its smartest & safest to use toys with a flared base in the butt so they don’t get lost. Kinda like this:

But I think we’ve all heard of situations that ended up more like this:

Fortunately those x-rays are not of MY butt. BUTT I did come close… listen to the hilariously embarrassing story for the details!

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Posted: April 17th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: , ,

What Porn Doesn’t Show You

A cute poem:

her hair is in my eyes and my legs are cramping but she is so beautiful
on top of me
and she accidentally falls off and laughs and her laugh is so sweet
i laugh too

and we make a joke about how ridiculous porn is;
all those videos we watched to figure out how to do this,
the moves not taught in sex ed
and we whisper between kisses “yes,
yes, yes -
wait no no no,
don’t do that.”

i accidentally bump my elbow in her face
and our vibrator falls onto the ground
and she makes a comment about how hard this is
so we lay there for a while thinking about whatever

until i kiss her again
and she pulls me into her.

Posted: April 15th, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars - No Comments.

Sexual Honesty – Are You Telling The Truth About Your Sexuality?

I’ve been reading this book called Radical Honesty by Dr. Brad Blanton.

I think most of us agree that honesty is important to a relationship. But actually BEING honest can be hard. Especially about sex.

Have you told your partner (or past partners);

  • Your complete sexual history?
  • What REALLY turns you on?
  • How exactly you masturbate?
  • Whether you’ve cheated on them? Been attracted to anyone else since you’ve been with them?

The list could really go on and on, and most of us would say no to at least one…

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Posted: April 13th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , ,

You’ve Got a Kink!

Posted: April 11th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

“I wish more girls were open and free…”

Question via Tumblr: Was more of a comment. Very impressed with your tutorial online about relationships and sex. I tweeted you last night. I wish more girls were open and free. So hard to find. I am in an industry where you would think it would be everywhere. Not so much now.

Thanks :)

Let me pose a question to you – if YOU wish girls were more ‘open and free’ – are YOU open and free? The vibe you put out tends to attract people of a similar mindset. If you are and you’re not getting anything in return, maybe you’re not looking in the right place. Or looking too hard. In my experience, the best relationships come when you’re just being yourself, doing your thing and not trying to force anything. Or perhaps on some level you’re not aware, you’re getting anxious or in your head and putting potential partners off. Maybe you’re being more closed off than you realize so you’re only attracting women who feel that way too. Observe yourself and watch how you behave and communicate around women you might be interested in, and you will probably notice how you’re fucking it up for yourself.

The most important thing I’ve learned in love & sex (which applies to virtually all areas of life) is that I am my own biggest impediment to getting what I want. And you are probably yours.

Posted: April 9th, 2014 under Dating & Hooking Up - No Comments.

Why (Most) Sex Advice is Bullshit

From ages 14-16, I spent a lot of time on AOL. I didn’t even know what a website was! And sometimes had to spend HOURS waiting for the TELEPHONE MODEM to connect. Fucking busy signal. Anyway that has nothing to do with this blog, except that one night I wandered my way into an advice chatroom. Nobody was looking for advice. But everybody WAS ready to GIVE advice!

One might think with all the advice in the world, we’d all be doing great. Buttttttt no. I can’t tell you how much sex advice I’ve tried to take over the years only for it to fail.

Its like, someone can give you a stock tip and you could make some money. (Maybe.) But if you don’t understand how the stock market really works, or have a shitty relationship with money and blow every dime you’ve got – is that stock tip REALLY what you’re looking for? Probably not.

Its the same with sex…

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Posted: April 5th, 2014 under Sex Podcast, Sex Tips, Uncategorized - No Comments.

50 Shades of Spanking… Okay, Really Just 4

Some people get turned on by spanking.

A spank is a spank is a spank. Hand on cheek. Right?

WRONG! Do not pass go, do not collect $200… (As my dad would say.)

Well, maybe for some people a spank IS a spank. But for a lot of people, its not just hand-smacking-buttcheek that’s important. Its the context.

Where, when, why & how do you want the spanking? That answer is probably a bit different for everyone, but here are a few ideas I happened across via Tumblr:

Posted: April 3rd, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

Why Do Guys Share Their Fantasies Online?

Question via Tumblr: Why do you think that many guys write out their fantasies and post them online? I don`t understand the logic or motivation behind it.

I’m curious about in what setting you’re talking about – where are you seeing guys post their fantasies?

But wherever it is, I think most people have a deep desire to share the sexual part of themselves. A lot of people (regardless of gender) are too scared to be that real with their partners if they have one. Or they’ve tried unsuccessfully and don’t want to face judgment or rejection again. So the internet provides an anonymous outlet and in certain places like fetish forums – others who understand and validate their fantasies.

I think its great when people find a place to express themselves. I also think its much more satisfying when we can do it in person, with a real human being who cares about our wants and needs. But that’s not an option for everyone (or perhaps not yet) so the internet fulfills that in part.

Posted: March 31st, 2014 under Fantasy - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

So You Want to Have A FFM (2 Chicks & A Dude) Threesome?

If you’ve ever fantasized about a threesome, realize that orchestrating a successful one takes a LOT of skill. And honestly, a vast majority of those interested don’t got the skills. (At least, not yet. Maybe with practice. Maybe.)

Alpha Harlot has had a TON of threesomes with straight couples. Most of them unsuccessful. Here’s why…

I get asked to fuck couples all the time. I don’t do threesomes anymore because I hate them. There’s always an odd man out and jealousy and nonsense that I honestly do not have the time to deal with. Even the hot tub orgy that I had last year for my birthday turned out rotten afterwards because of lack of communication before, during and after…even though I stressed to all parties involved that it was necessary.

Online dating is all about conversation skills. Much like bar dating, or supermarket dating or any other kind of dating.

Everything depends on the approach, what comes out of your mouth (or onto the keyboard, as the case may be) and then the follow through.

Women are looking for very different experiences than men are as well…so when you approach a woman, regardless of the context, you’ve got to treat her like she’s a human being that you’re interested in, not just an extra vagina for sexual activities.

Take our conversation for example…

You approached me with the subject line, “Meeting up with a couple”.

Before I even clicked on the message and responded (and I respond to every message that I get on Xtube, because that’s my bag and has been for the last 5 years. Everyone deserves a response IMO), I knew that I wasn’t interested in meeting you because you approached me with all your cards on the table.
I’m XYZ, I want to bang…I’ve got a girl, she also wants to bang. We don’t much care what you look like, or who you are…we’ve just been Jonesing for a sexual adventure and you seem like the type of girl who would be fun in the sack.”

What you want is another woman in your bedroom.

What I want (and most women, to tell you the truth) is conversation…because vagina is a hot commodity and dicks are a dime a dozen. If you want in my (or any other woman’s) pants, you’ve got to CONVINCE me that, not only are YOU worth my time and effort, but your woman is too. This is not accomplished by asking me to fuck you right from jump.

If you’re looking for a slab of meat, you’ll have better luck in the supermarket.

That year that I spent just doing threesomes? I wasn’t particular at all. I’d just responded to Craig’s list ads for couples that were looking and, every single one of them (but two actually, I got turned down by two after face to face encounters) was down to fuck.

If they weren’t my type, I did it anyway. If I wasn’t their type, they’d try to bang me anyway. Some of the time it was nearly comical because they were OBVIOUSLY not into fat chicks, but they wanted two naked girls in the same room so badly that they didn’t care.

Standards out the window…

“At least I got to do my FFM!!!”

It was an extremely silly situation.

MOST of the couples that I ended up fucking wouldn’t have given me the time of day if they had seen me out and about…but because I was a slutty, willing hole, they were into it.

They just wanted the notch on their bedpost. We had nothing at all in common, there was no chemistry…it was just fucking for the sake of fucking and I probably only came ten times in the 300 or threesomes that I had that year.

Not satisfying at all.

Posted: March 23rd, 2014 under (Non) Monogamy - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Don’t Join A Porn Site to Get Laid.

Here’s an actual email I got today:

Reason I wanted to be part of your site was that I wanted to act out a fantasy of mine of being a fart slave. Also wanted to role play out anal play with farting. I questioned you about doing this and you replied you only do that with your boyfriend. You did say you would recommend to another company [i.e., we hire guys for FartDom.net if they're local to So Cal] that does this work but since I am not local probably couldnt be arranged.

I wish I could get this arranged somewhere on east coast. Dropped membership because don’t feel you couldn’t help me out. Will say sight was pretty good just didn’t see how I couldn’t get fantasy set up and fulfilled.

My response:

Thanks for the email, sorry you didn’t get what you’re looking for but we just make porn. Arranging meet ups isn’t part of the membership for anyone who joins. Just like any other porn site. You can find some advice for finding compatible partners on KelseyEducation.com. Best of luck with your search.

Guys, if you ever contact a sex worker (porn star, cam girl, pro-domme, etc.) and she gives you attitude (some are REALLY bad about this, others are perfectly friendly) – its because we constantly deal with “fans”* who seem to feel entitled to receive more than what we offer. Sometimes its flabbergasting. And as much as I love my work, its one of the things about doing sex work that gets really old. I haven’t met a sex worker who didn’t agree.

*I use the word fans in quotes because the truest fans – in my experience – are super nice, respectful, and really appreciative of the work I do. They’re usually pretty cool guys.

Posted: March 22nd, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars - No Comments.

What IS sexually empowering?

Empowerment is a fuzzy term. I hate when articles reference dictionaries to orient their position, but I really had to look up the definition because the word is debated. What IS empowering? What ISN’T?

So according to Merriam-Webster, empowerment is:

1: to give official authority or legal power to
2: to enable definition 1
3: to promote the self-actualization or influence of

I think #3 is primarily what most people mean when they talk about empowerment. Notice it does not define what actions are empowering. In fact, to “promote… self-actualization” would imply that what IS empowering varies by individual (by each “self”). What leads me to self-actualization and what leads you to your own is probably different. Particularly if my journey includes things people often feel are inherently DISempowering, like sex work, engaging in fetishistic sex, and having multiple casual sex partners.

For some people, empowerment is getting a traditional education and landing a decent-paying job with opportunities for advancement. For others, empowerment is LEAVING that very same job to take care of one’s children, to start a business, or travel the world.

Who’s right? Is the job empowering? Or is quitting?

They’re BOTH right.

So what is sexually empowering? You tell me. Leaving behind a “normal” life and joining the porn industry has been “empowering” for me. Its taught me an awful lot about myself, about men and women, about communication, about my body, about my desires, about my boundaries. (Not to mention how to run a business and be self-reliant.) For others, like Jennie Karchner, quitting the porn industry to pursue a Master’s degree is empowering.

What pisses me off is when people turn this vague concept of empowerment into a hard definition – that certain behaviors must inherently be empowering, and others must not be. Which seems hypocritical and exactly the reason empowerment is a concept to begin with. Nobody can tell you what the right thing is to do with your life, nobody can tell me what’s right for mine. (And maybe the right thing is sometimes to do the wrong thing, because sometimes we learn big lessons about life that way.) So to draw lines around empowerment negates the whole definition.

And why does it fucking matter anyway? The amount of energy we expend judging others’ actions says more about our own problems than it does theirs.

Posted: March 19th, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars, Uncategorized - No Comments.

What do (Ex)Mormons and Porn Stars Have in Common?

And what do you have in common with both of us?

In today’s podcast I discuss about the book Secret Ceremonies: A Mormon Woman’s Intimate Diary of Marriage and Beyond by Deborah Laake.

I was surprised that I could relate so deeply to her struggles, her journey from married religious Mormon to single excommunicated journalist. From doing EVERYTHING she was SUPPOSED to do, to living life on her own terms. Well when I put it that way, it makes perfect sense.

I think anyone who really wants to explore their sexuality could relate in some way – we don’t get a lot of education or support for delving too deeply into that part of our selves and our relationships. If you want ANYTHING that’s out of the norm (and one could argue that having a fulfilling relationship IS out of the norm considering how many people get divorced, and how many who don’t are miserable…) – you’re going to have to learn the difference between YOUR voice and the voices of other people you carry around in your head. That’s not easy.

But the end result (so I’ve seen so far anyway) is a lot more fun. Some things are worth the struggle. Perhaps reading about Deborah’s experience can help you in some way, like it has me.

Plus, its pretty interesting shit.

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Posted: March 17th, 2014 under Religion and Sexuality - No Comments. Tags: ,

Better Butt Licking

Question via Tumblr: Do u have any advice on how I can improve my ass licking on my girlfriend? I love her ass and worship it everyday. Face sitting is the best. Her ass tastes so good but I want to know if their r some techniques I could use to get her have more pleasure? It’s all about her.

Ask her. Everyone’s different. Some people like more liking on the outside, some more deeper inside. Let her masturbate while you do it if she likes. Have her watch her favorite porn while you do it, if she enjoys that. Or read aloud dirty stories. It really depends on her – ask her what makes her feel good and be creative with ways of combining with your pleasures.

Posted: March 14th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: ,

We Don’t Ask for Our Desires…

… so we may as well get friendly with them.

Even if they’re weird, humiliating, or violent (so long as nobody REALLY gets hurt).

Here’s what self-defined feminist, Emily, has to say about her fantasies (many of which overlap my own interests):

I consider myself to err on the side of sexual submission. I have never been into the performative aspects of it all — I am not some weird sex LARPer who wants to wear costumes and address each other as “Master” and “Slave.” I don’t want to go to special events, I shouldn’t have to wear pleather just to get it done, and I don’t want to “play.” I want to have weird sex with weird people who like weird things, like an adult.

Some of those weird things that I like include: rough breast play including slapping, clothespins and ropes; name-calling of the slut-bitch-whore variety; forced deepthroating; facials; “Daddy” talk; rape play; spanking; dirty talk; hair-pulling; group sex; anal; and basically anything else filthy/nasty/taboo/found in your average pornographic video. Also, and here’s the stuff that’s more for special occasions and that I don’t want to admit on a site for ladies: being slapped, being spit on, being choked, being urinated on.

I don’t begrudge anyone their role as captain of their own sexual steamship. Desire is complicated and tricky to regulate — I don’t think I could stop being turned on by being treated “badly” any easier than a gay man could suddenly start being attracted to women. I might prefer that my big controversial sex preferences involved whipped cream or whatever instead of wanting to be slapped in the face during intercourse, but that is not the hand I was dealt.

We all, male and female, live in a world where a wider range of sexual activity is visible and accessible to us. As long as we keep consent, respect and common courtesy top of mind, that fact in itself doesn’t have to hurt anybody.

Sometimes I hear women say that by engaging in “politically incorrect” sex, we are sending a message to men that all women want to be treated in such a manner. But consensual sexual activity, even if it resembles some nonconsual sexual activity, isn’t rape any more than movie murder is real murder. And while some people certainly think we should eliminate movie violence lest it drive the easily influenced to commit violent acts, we’re not talking about movies here. We’re talking about people. And you can’t eliminate people or ask them to eliminate parts of themselves, no matter how messy or unappealing their desires may seem to you.

Since we can’t erase reality, we better start dealing in nuance.

Getting slapped and called a slut because it turns me on and I’ve asked for it is not abuse. The men who want to do that are not abusers; in fact a lot of them are some of the nicest and most respectful men I’ve met outside of the bedroom. Rape play and rape are never going to be the same thing. And pretending that the two are similar is actually way more confusing and dangerous than clearly differentiating them.

If our men truly can’t tell the difference between hurting, abusing and degrading a woman, and participating in consensual play utilizing some of these elements, then the problem lies with them and sexual education in our society, not with those temptingly rape-able women who enjoy rough play.

If you are still confused, consider this: After we’re done, when I’m spent from being used, being told I’m a filthy whore as you hold me down or toss me around or hit me if those are the boundaries we’ve agreed upon, when I’m covered in saliva and sweat and bodily fluids, look at my face. I will be smiling.

That’s the difference.

Posted: March 12th, 2014 under Fantasy - No Comments. Tags: , , , , , ,

Help! My Girlfriend Wants to Do Porn and I’m Jealous

Question via Tumblr: how can i deal with jealousy ? my girlfriend wants to do porn

The best way to address jealousy is to identify what exactly your fears are and talk about them. Before Terry & I filmed his anal scenes where he fucked other girls in the ass, we talked about it. A lot. I was fully behind the idea but still had some feelings of jealousy to address.

Jealousy is mostly insecurity that your partner will want someone more than they want you. Which IS always a risk if you’re opening up your relationship in some way. It goes away the more you learn to trust your partner and value yourself. The way I look at it, he might have fun with other chicks now and then, but is casual sex really going to trump the love & connection we share? No way. Is some chick going to have a better butt to fuck than me? He’s very happy with what he has at home, so even if he has the time of his life in the moment, at the end of the day its always just us.

But that also doesn’t mean you need to be okay with a more open relationship. Its definitely not for everyone. In my opinion, if your girlfriend is interested in doing porn or any kind of sex work, that’s bringing additional people into your sex life. Its something you both need to enjoy, otherwise the relationship won’t last very long. If she’s unwilling to talk about your feelings or doesn’t care – there’s something far more wrong with the relationship than her wanting to do porn. In which case, porn WILL break you up. But if you don’t address what’s going on more deeply, you’ll probably break up regardless.

Posted: March 6th, 2014 under Open Relationships - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Sometimes The Best Sex is No Sex

For all the talk about sex on this blog, its important to say – its not everything. Sometimes we have other priorities, or desires. Or lack of desire. Not wanting sex doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is broken or doomed. Human beings are not consistent like machines. And neither is your sex drive. Sometimes you or your partner may just need a break.

Just like this couple…

I’ll be married 12 years this June. We met in our naïve 20s. My husband, all goofy granola charm, hung over my cubicle my first day at my first job. I remember he was wearing Birkenstocks with socks; he swears he never wore sandals to the office. He invited me over to watch a basketball game and get to know our co-workers. When I arrived, my East Coast sensibilities primed for an evening salon of conversation and schmoozing, I discovered I was the only one there.

Those first months were hot, and not just because we were living in the unforgiving heat of California’s desert. Every night and weekend was free, for dinners out, dancing, roaming the sidewalks aimlessly, sipping cheap margaritas, making out on public benches, falling into bed, slick with sweat.

Even as we sailed forth, like moths drawn inexplicably toward an ancient, hypnotic flame — wedding, mortgage, procreation — we never grew bored with each other. Sure, we bickered over why he absolutely wouldn’t be allowed to keep that ugly bachelor armchair with the fraying fabric, and we power-struggled over the usual flashpoints — money, outside family commitments, careers. But we always returned to the comfort of each other’s embrace, and the pleasure that sex delivered.

And then came our first baby. She rocked us, and not in the I-scored-tickets-to-that-freaking-killer-band-on-Friday-night way. Pregnancy was a shock to my system — the ballooning of my body from size 8 to size whale; the constant paranoia that something, probably something I would stupidly do, would mess it all up and harm our innocent child.

Here’s the confession the social scientists, shrinks and unburdened, childless observers of the zeitgeist are waiting for: We didn’t have sex for a year.

You read that right. A year. That is not an easy thing to admit, when our culture so tightly links sexual vibrancy and exploits with youth, happiness and worth. There is no room, especially for women, to talk honestly about the ebb and flow of sex; no room for seasons of frantic lust separated by windows of quiet and pause. If you don’t have sex for a year — a year! — your marriage must be failing. Both wife and husband must be deeply unhappy, the union not long for this world. Might as well dial up the divorce lawyers or sex therapists right now. If you don’t have sex for a year, the woman must be a certain kind of evil, frigid monster and the guy must be one foot out the door.

Except we were not unhappy. My pregnancy was rough. Post-pregnancy was rougher… trouble healing physically (because, um, not all of us are Michelle Duggar) and a demise of the state formerly known as sleep. To say nothing of the mental and emotional bruising, inflicted not only by a new, baby-dictated schedule but from the very morphing of our former identities and relationship into something new and nearly unrecognizable.

Yet we still had the things that had started it all: Our yin-yang connection, our shared values, our memories of freedom-fueled fun and years of physical intimacy. And our new level of trust: We had done something that lashed us together more tightly than any expression or experience of sexual desire ever would. We had created life out of our love for each other.

Nothing is like that trust that grows when you watch the person you love blossom with new life. When you see the man you picked out when he was a free-wheeling 28-year-old with one pair of shoes and a recipe repertoire that consisted of a single dish (pineapple-broccoli burritos) mature into a steely-strong partner you can, and will, lean on.

It’s one thing to trust a guy enough to let him buy you a cheap margarita. It’s another thing to trust a person so deeply that when you are finally having great, relieving sex again with the rare condom (in a half-assed and ultimately failed attempt to stave off the next child) and the condom slips off and gets terrifyingly lost up there, you let him own the situation. And he rescues you, extracting that errant latex with the calm reassurance of a cattle farmer extracting his 200th calf.

That’s the bad-assedness of married sex, folks.

Posted: March 4th, 2014 under Relationship Advice, Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

When Fetish Crosses the Line

Comment via Tumblr: I saw the saddest fetish video the other day. This woman used her heels to step on and kill a rabbit and she kept smashing it until it was a pile of mush. I’m normally understanding of fetishes but this made me really sad and angry. I don’t understand how anyone could enjoy watching animals get tortured and how anyone could do that. (I didn’t actually watch the video, I just moused over it and saw the different preview thumbnails.)

People enjoy theft, rape and murder too.

I wholeheartedly believe that there is no wrong desire. A person can be aroused by anything and everything. You’re free to imagine whatever you like in your head. But there is a gap between desire and action. If pursuing your desire causes physical, mental or emotional harm to others or their property – you are violating others, subjecting them to YOUR wants and needs above their own. Its like the basic idea of freedom – you do what you want, I do what I want, but when what you do infringes on my freedom to do what I want to do – that’s not freedom anymore.

Now ‘harm’ is somewhat of a grey area. Some things look harmful from the outside, like certain BDSM practices. Extreme pain, CBT, choking, gagging to the point of vomiting – it depends on the individual whether these are harmful to begin with, though there is a point of no return that anyone has to be careful about. Mental and emotional harm is also quite subjective. For instance, I’ve enacted a completely consensual rape fantasy with Terry once, which I found both physically and emotionally enjoyable. But to someone else, the same situation could trigger deep emotional pain they weren’t ready to deal with. Sometimes we don’t know how far is too far until we cross it.

But crushing live animals (even bugs, in my opinion) definitely crosses that line. If someone is turned on by scenarios like this, it doesn’t make them a bad person. But if simply thinking about it, reading erotic stories, watching cartoon versions or some other benign way of expressing that desire are not enough – then its time for professional help.

Posted: March 2nd, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Faking It Is Lying And My Pants Are On Fire

I always thought faking orgasms was stupid. Why would I want to train my partner to have bad habits? I’ve never done it in real life. And I’ve only done it on camera 3 or 4 times at the beginning of my website before I decided that was stupid and unnecessary too. If I say I’m cumming, I am. If I don’t, I’m not.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t ever faked anything. I think most women have. Probably most men too. But usually in other ways…





A couple weeks ago – Terry caught me. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until he asked. Over the next few days, I kept noticing other things I’ve been faking. Faking being another term for LYING. God damn. I’m a fucking liar. Not intentionally. Not explicitly. But every time I pretend to feel a way I don’t – that’s a lie. Don’t voice my opinion in a situation where it truly matters – lie. I lie by omission to make other people happy. Or to not anger them. To avoid rocking the boat.


Not all the time, of course. Probably more than some people. Definitely less than others. But more than I’d like. Because I realized what lying does – it creates a wall. Its hard to feel close to someone when you’re not being truthful. Snuggle up all you want, you can’t break an invisible barrier.




So are you (unintentionally) wearing an emotional condom?


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Posted: February 28th, 2014 under Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , ,

All About Butts!

Today I’m talking buttsex – answering listener questions about:

- Deep anal penetration
- Opening up the ass
- And when she should get her orgasm

And check out my free anal sex guide to learn exactly how I do it here!

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Posted: February 26th, 2014 under Anal Sex, Sex Podcast - No Comments.

Sometimes Sex Gets Messy

When I have really good sex, it often feels very raw, animalistic, messy. A mix of sweat, saliva, vaginal fluids and semen at the least. Sometimes squirting, which despite what all the ‘experts’ say, sometimes contains a trace amount of urine (which I figured out when I was taking vitamins that turned my pee bright yellow… and my squirt puddles turned a pale yellow from their usual clear). If we’re doing anal, occasionally shit happens. The wonders of the physical body on display to my lover.

Despite the efforts we make to de-grossify ourselves with perfumes, body sprays, deodorants, and mouthwash, to name a few, underneath we’ve all still inhabit these living breathing entities that don’t give a shit how clean or dirty they are. My body could care less when I last showered (which if you know anything about me, isn’t usually that often…).

So that’s why I loved this blog post about vomit.

I first heard of erotic vomiting in this chapter by Lauren Berlant and Michael Warner. Not an act I ever associated pleasure with, I was fascinated to read about a live force-feeding erotic vomiting performance they attended. I read this about 7 years ago, before I knew anything of the fetishistic worlds that exist both online and off.

No, this isn’t a story about how I developed a puke fetish. But more about how I’ve come to accept it as a part of the messiness that is sex. And even like it… almost.

Here’s something I wrote in response to a fan question about whether I’ve ever done or will do scat (poop) videos:

I generally have a ‘try anything once’ attitude, and while I think the idea of someone being turned on my ALL aspects of my body is hot, fantasy is different than (messy & smelly) reality. I’ve come into contact with shit doing anal without enemas because I hate how they make my stomach feel. I don’t care if there’s a little, and neither does Terry, but I experience it more as an acceptable hazard of the act than something I want to do on purpose. Which is why I do POV toilet slavery videos for my site, but its solely roleplaying, not actually showing anything.

I have a similar feeling on vomit. If you’re into deepthroating, you’re going to deal with vomit at some time or another. I’m a small person with a small mouth, so when Terry’s dick is all the way in I can sometimes get pretty close to throwing up. When its in the morning and I have nothing in my stomach, I actually like the feeling of dry-heaving with his dick in my mouth. I feel completely out of control and enjoy that. But I’ve actually puked on him a couple times, and in my own mouth even more – and my response is more ick than yay. Just like with shit, its a risk I’m willing to take but don’t try to make it happen.

I appreciate having a partner who isn’t offended by whatever my body does, because I don’t think you can have good sex and fear body functions. Sometimes they just come with the territory.

And here’s what fetish model Rain DeGrey has to say:

I DON’T have a puke fetish. Puke is nasty & messy & you have to stop everything to clean it up.

I have a CONTROL fetish. The concept of controlling someone so utterly that you literally control their bodily functions makes me hot. The thought of so completely owning the back of someone’s throat that you can make them vomit, whether they want to or no….well that works for me on so many levels it isn’t even funny. Forcing someone to vomit is like making them squirt from their throat. In my book.

Her desire to make someone vomit and the pleasure I get from dry-heaving is one in the same. We’d probably make great sex partners. She could dom the shit out of me. Or the puke. Whatever.

Posted: February 24th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

Reminds me of comedian Rob Delaney, who has a hilarious special on Netflix where he proudly declares that even after years together, “I still want to have sex with my wife!” To which he adds the caveat, “I also want to have sex with you, and you, and you…”

Posted: February 23rd, 2014 under Desire - No Comments. Tags: , ,

My Sexual Secrets: How I Discovered I Have “Sexual Anorexia”

When I said I was nervous about posting something the other day, this podcast is what I was referring to.

My work may often require nudity, but being honest feels even more naked.

Because secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone. Yeah. ME. And probably most people I’ve been in a relationship with. Sorry guys. & gals. It wasn’t you. It really WAS me.

Am I being vague enough?

I guess I should come out and say it, so at least you’ll know what the topic of this podcast is really about. I’ve recently discovered what was REALLY behind my motivation to research sexuality and work in the porn industry to explore this corner of the universe.

Sexual anorexia. Apparently, its a thing. You’ve heard of sex addiction – this is the flip side. The anorexic to the overeater. Denial, avoidance and overcontrol vs. out of control indulgence.

I’ve been reading this book and discussing it in therapy. It 100% describes my very confusing and painful sexual history. And while I’ve made a lot of progress since I even started this blog in 2011, sex can still be very difficult at times. What astounds me most is that I’ve been working in the field of sexuality in one form or another for almost 10 years now. And I’ve only just heard of this.

I thought I was crazy. I’ve never heard of anyone having the same sexual issues as me. If I read one more sex advice article for women that says to stimulate the clitoris during sex or buy a vibrator or communicate with my partner, I might punch someone in the face. Um. I’ve tried that. Thanks.

Though may put on an act of confidence, beneath it all I’ve still felt there was something wrong with me. Which seemed logical since 90% of what various “sex experts” have suggested hasn’t worked on me. If everyone else seems so happy, the problem must be me, right? Why after all this effort, is sex sometimes REALLY difficult for me? Why, when I want it most, does my body shut off and barely respond? Why is asking for what I want sometimes so terrifying its easier for me to pour myself into work that isn’t even necessary, just to avoid dealing with it?

Why have I felt like the cursed skeleton-pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, unable to enjoy my physical body?

“…the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust…” – Captain Barbossa

Only mine has not been a curse of greed. More a curse of denial, that I did all to myself.

So this is my story. Hope listening to it helps you in some way. If you’d like to share any part of your own sexual struggles, feel free to email me here. I promise I’ll respond.

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Posted: February 21st, 2014 under (Sex) Life, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Do Fantasies Help or Hurt?

I generally say its great for people to enjoy their fantasies so long as nobody gets hurt. Generally that’s pretty obvious. If anyone ends up in the hospital, its probably a no-go. But psychological hurt is harder to define. Especially when its our OWN psychologies. Can we hurt ourselves through our fantasies?

Sometimes.

Sometimes fantasies are just ways we play out the same old patterns that have caused us pain and disappointment throughout our entire lives. Kind of like a guy who’s been divorced 5 times. If it didn’t work in marriage 1-4, why would #5 be any different? Sure people change, but without making a conscious effort, chances are the problem was never really the wife. The problem is the guy picking the same woman over and over. His picker is off. Because in some way, that woman is familiar, comforting, and attractive to him. But seeking a new one won’t fix why he keeps choosing someone who’s not right for him.

When is indulging in our fantasies helpful, and when it it harmful? How can fantasies fuel personal growth, or how can they cripple us? Where’s the line?

That’s something only you can know. And sometimes you’ll bang your head against the wall 263 times before you realize – the wall fucking hurts! And you’ll pull your head away to notice that fluffy pillow on the couch is a much softer place to rest your noggin…

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Posted: February 20th, 2014 under Fantasy, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Sometimes Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder…

Sometimes its not easy to be so open about my sexuality. Sometimes its not easy to be dealing with my sexuality at all. Even in private.

Sometimes I get really nervous about things I want to say here, in writing or in the podcast. I’m afraid of being so vulnerable – so publicly – and afraid of being judged.

Sometimes I get emails from readers, listeners & fans of my adult work who comment on my confidence and ballsyness. Underneath that is fear. Yet I believe what I do is important, is necessary, is something I really really want to be doing. And much more you’ve yet to see.

Sometimes it takes a little while to find the courage. That’s where I’ve been. I mean, I’ve been busy shooting videos for our websites and working on other tasks. But how long does it really take to make a few posts of content I’ve already created? Not long. Its the emotional hurdle that’s far bigger than the work of writing a blog or recording a podcast.

Some things I’m not ready to say yet. Others you’ll see on this blog soon.

In the meantime, I’ve already posted this video previously but its so on point I had to share it again. Vulnerability. That’s what makes really good sex. And a really happy relationship. And if you’re anything like me, it can be a huge challenge. But also one that’s really worth undertaking…

Posted: February 19th, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments.

Is It Okay to Have Taboo Fantasies?

Today talking about a reader’s question about his taboo fantasies…

Is it normal to fantasize about younger girls? I would never actualy do any thing with someone under eighteen but I sometimes fantasize about being with a teen and I was wondering if this was normal.

It may not be socially acceptable, but its definitely not abnormal…

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Posted: February 7th, 2014 under Fantasy, Uncategorized - No Comments.

What Does a Fantasy Mean?

Sometimes two people look at the same fantasy in different ways…

One night we decided to play with my butt.

But(t) instead, things got awkward. We got part way into it, and stopped.

Later, we realized we were coming at the same act from two different places. He wanted to share a ‘dirty’ experience. I wanted to be submissive and ‘made’ to do it.

Sometimes we’re totally on the same page. Other times, it might look like we are – but we’re really not. The only way to know is to communicate, so hear more about my awkward night and what I learned about making sex good.

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Posted: January 29th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , ,

What’s Anal Like For Her?

Yay! My first post in a couple weeks. Well, I recorded a bunch of podcasts to post while I was away at the Adult Entertainment Expo. But due to some technical difficulties they’re just going up now.

 

So today hear all about anal sex from the world’s biggest porn star’s perspective: Jenna Jameson. According to her autobiography, she never had anal sex on camera – but DID do it in her personal life.

I recently finished her new erotic novel, Sugar, whose main character is a former porn star and is (obviously) based on Jenna’s personal experiences.

In the book is a great scene where she has anal sex with the guy she’s seeing for the first time. In this podcast we have a bit of story time, I read part of the passage with you and share what anal is really like for some women, like Jenna (and me!).

If you want to put your dick (or fingers, or toys, or whatever) into a chick’s butt for fun, you’ll probably get a lot farther if you can relate!

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+ enjoy some Vines from AEE!

Posted: January 22nd, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: ,