The first time I saw another woman masturbating was in porn. I’d secretly wished for sexually open and experimental friends who would bring up masturbation or sex, leading to some slumber party explorations… But I didn’t have that sort of friend.
Women typically masturbate in porn laying on their back with bent knees – rubbing their clit with a finger or two, using a vibrator, and/or fucking themselves with a dildo. That’s not how I masturbated.
What got me off was lying on flat on my stomach with straight legs, grinding my pussy against my hands. In my younger years, I masturbated against my baby blanket (sorry Grandma! she knitted it for me) or the corner of my comforter. I always felt ashamed, like something was wrong with not only masturbating in the first place, but HOW I did it. In college I wanted to be more “normal” (ha!) so I managed to switch to my hands instead. I still felt horribly awkward and a partner never saw me orgasm until Terry.
Since then, my masturbation repertoire has expanded and I enjoy stimulation in numerous ways – but if I want to orgasm – its still easiest and most reliable lying on my stomach or the same position but flat on my back. I can count the number of times I’ve cum in the positions I saw in porn on my hands.
Yesterday I shot for Yanks.com – my first paid shoot for another company – being filmed the way I masturbate. When I booked the shoot, I explained my technique to the producer – because in my mind it wasn’t exactly sexy to watch. To my surprise, the site features women’s real methods, everything from vibrators and fingers to running water to an electric toothbrush handle to humping a pillow.
Humping a pillow?! I checked out the site and voila – pillow humping was featured in one of the sample videos. I wish I could have seen this as a teenager! It could have eased a bit of my sexual shame. This is why I feel that porn isn’t good or bad, harmful or hurtful – its about how its made and in what context its used. I feel porn has an incredible power to educate as it titillates. Really, it already IS educating its viewers… but no one ever said education had to be positive or factual. In college I learned that GMOs are “highly debatable” – yet in reality numerous independent studies finds them unsafe. Good thing I got a scholarship and didn’t pay for those credits.
Its ironic the first time I’ve been paid by another company was to do what, in part, led me to study sexuality in the first place – in school, then on camera. It feels appropriate, like I’ve cum full circle. Because the main thing I’ve learned on this journey is that I’m fine how I am (and so are you). It is possible to change your sexual response, to broaden your horizons and explore new fantasy and sensuality. But it must come from a place of love and acceptance, of being okay with what is and growing from there. Otherwise all your energy goes toward trying NOT to be something… which lands you right back in the thick of it again. And again. And again…
The producer was a woman in her late 20s, a former performer herself. We talked, ate chocolate and got quite friendly. She made me feel 100% comfortable in opening up, and to my surprise I was even able to squirt. I thought I might be nervous and be “trying” to have an orgasm… which gets the job done but isn’t very satisfying.
I felt so at ease one of my scenes lasted 40 minutes and I could have sworn it was only 20. Her average scenes are under 10 minutes, but she wanted me to just do what I do and end when my orgasm came. I often hear people complain about how long it can take women to orgasm (including my past self), but so what? If its fun along the way – THAT’S the point. THAT’S what leads to the orgasm. Without the build up, the orgasm is a moment that ends as quick as it starts. The pleasure is in the process.
All in all, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience for my first time on someone else’s set.
Posted: March 5th, 2013 under Masturbation - 1 Comment.
Tags: porn, sex work, squirting