A Lesson from Grandma’s Cookies: Guilt, Shame, and Disassociating From my Body

I bought a double chocolate Grandma’s cookie from a convenience store. Got in the car and mindlessly ate half a cookie when I realized – I wasn’t enjoying it. I barely even tasted it. Not because I don’t sometimes crave the taste of artificially flavored chocolate goodies (I do).

I stared at the remaining half of my cookie and realized: I felt guilty eating it. I didn’t even look at the ingredients because I knew it was full of crap I don’t normally eat – high fructose corn syrup, loads of preservatives, possibly titanium or silicon dioxide or baking soda laced with aluminum. I knew it would only make my candida (overgrowth of yeast in the intestines, causing vaginal yeast infections) worse. So even though I wanted it, bought and paid for it, when it came time to eat it – I disassociated from the experience because I felt bad.

Like many women, I used to struggle with my weight – going back and forth from a starving myself 85 pounds to binge eating my way to 135 or 140 (note: I’m only 5′). Learning about the fucked up food system, the effect of GMOs, HFC, and various toxins on the body, and how processed sugar creates yeast problems led to a huge change in my eating habits. I’m probably 95 pounds now, not because I want to be thin, but because that’s just where my body lands living on organic food (including goodies) and lots of vegetables. But I never let go of feeling guilty for eating what I want.

What does this have to do with sex?

I do the same freaking thing. It used to be every time I asked for something sexual and I got it, I’d become extremely anxious, disassociate, and not feel a thing. I felt I shouldn’t be having sex, wanting what I wanted, enjoying my body. I like to think I’m over these things, because I intellectually know better and do have some amazing experiences, but that old programming remains. When it starts feeling REALLY GOOD, my mind will often find a million and one reasons to stop it – I have to pee, I need a drink, I need to change positions, I’m out of breath, I need to put laundry into the dryer – it doesn’t matter whether its true or not. Its an excuse my mind uses to take me out of this pleasurable experience.

I’ve spent a ton of time and energy blaming my partners for my lackluster sexual experiences. But the most frustrating thing about it is – I realize now – no matter what they could have done (or what my husband currently does), it makes no fucking difference if MY autopilot response is to check out. That’s all me.

But the great thing is – its all me. I can change it.

I stared at my cookie and decided I was going to savor every bite of its artificial chocolately goodness. Okay, maybe I only savored a half of it. But it was a start.

Posted: May 14th, 2012 under Embodied Sexuality - No Comments. Tags: disassociation, physical

Kinky Fetish Sex is Easy… “Making Love” is a Challenge: Reflections on My Version of Women’s Sexuality

Women’s sexuality: What does it mean? More pointedly, what does it mean to me? What does it (or men’s sexuality, for the guys) mean to you?

Just as we all like different foods, so too do we like different sex. We each have a unique emotional relationship to the foods we eat. Some overeat while others starve themselves; I’ve often used food for comfort myself. We similarly have a unique emotional experience with our sexuality, shaped by our own baggage, hangups, and those things we call our “issues.” So what is women’s sexuality (or men’s, for that matter)? All I can say is, here’s mine at the moment:

Though I make porn for a living, my primary social circles aren’t in the adult industry. When I talk with “civilians” (people outside the industry) and explain my vision and how I’m working toward it, I’m often complimented on my bravery. People who see my YouTube videos email me their questions, nothing things like, “I’m not as open about my sexuality as you,” and “You’re so courageous for taking on these fetish topics and expressing yourself.”

Not to toot my own horn, but they’re right. It took almost 3 years of producing and starring in my videos before I really felt confident in my choices. It was a huge challenge to follow my exhibitionist desire to experiment on camera, not to mention exploring more private desires in my personal life.

But they’re also wrong. Its become fairly easy to express the wild crazy aspects of my sexuality. I am an exhibitionist. I am pretty kinky. I do have a dirty mind. I will try new sexual things for the hell of it. I have no problem sharing and acting out these fantasies with my husband. And its no big deal to do crazy shit on camera, whether its my personal fetish or not. I fully accept and love that part of myself.

But that’s not the only side of my sexuality. There’s a softer side, a more – for lack of a better word – feminine side. This part of myself seems to be a deeper challenge – the part of myself that truly allows myself to feel physical pleasure. Fetish, for me, is largely a mental desire. As someone who’s lived most her life in her head, it feels natural. It feels good too, but the turn on and get off comes primarily from the mind.

But oral sex, for instance, is physical. Its my partner using their mouth to (theoretically) make me feel good. Its all about my pussy. “Making love” (or “playing” as I prefer to call that sort of sex), to me, is about sensual pleasure. His goosebumps beneath my fingers, the taste of his saliva, the smell of our sweat mixing together. His mouth on my clit, his fingers at my g-spot.

And at present, that can feel scary. Its vulnerable, to ask for what I want, sensually, and to allow myself to receive it. To let that guard down with another human being present. Hell, even to do so with myself at times. Its not that it never happens – I know how amazing it is because I HAVE experienced it – but I’m also aware I’ve put up walls to protect that part of myself.

I get emails all the time from men who are too afraid to be vulnerable and share their fetish with a partner. In some ways, I’m no different.

Sex “problems” are a window into the psyche. T. Harv Eker says, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” I can only speak for my experience, but when I’m scared to be vulnerable in sex, I’m also afraid to be vulnerable with my family and friends. Just as I was scared I wouldn’t be loved for my wild side, I’m still terrified I won’t be loved for my feminine side. Perhaps I’m not yet in love with that part of myself.

Some people see me as a sex expert, but I’m still learning just like them.

I challenge you to consider: Are you “in touch” with your masculine or feminine sides (we all have both)? If not, how does it show up outside the bedroom (or wherever you like to fuck)?

Posted: May 12th, 2012 under Women's Sexuality - No Comments. Tags: feminine, Fetish, making love, mental, physical

Relationship Advice: How to Keep the Spark Alive

Couples often seek relationship advice when one partner wants more sex than the other

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Most relationships begin in a whirlwind of hormones and sweat, an initial lust that fades as LIFE sets in. Many couples don’t know how to sustain and reinvigorate that chemistry, and their sex life falls flat for one or both.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. We’ve been together 4 years. its not like it was in the beginning – we do have less sex, though we both also have more responsibility (as typically happens as we age). Yet we both have high sex drives and a high attraction to one another. Not to say we haven’t had our own issues, but since sex, intimacy, and connection are high values to both of us – we seem to work it out.

Here’s how we keep the interest:
- We still flirt with each other.

- We have sexual contact that doesn’t lead to sex, which increases our desire for when we will be having sex.

- We are constantly having new experiences together, both sexual and non-sexual. We don’t need to “spice it up,” because we value variation for variation’s sake.

- We encourage one another to pursue our own individual experiences, both sexually (masturbation, with girls we hire for our videos) and non-sexually.

- We’re honest with one another about who we’re attracted to and what turns us on (even when it isn’t each other).

- We communicate about sex and intimacy when we’re not being sexual, so we address any issues that may arise.

How do YOU keep the fire burning? Share your sex tips and relationship advice!

Posted: May 11th, 2012 under Relationship Advice - No Comments. Tags: chemistry, communication

Sex Tips From Porn Star Nina Hartley: What if My Partner is Shy About Sex?

Legendary porn star Nina Hartley gives her sex tips on dealing with the sexually shy.

My favorite sex tips from Nina: find a way to be supportive, truly supportive. Don’t judge or get frustrated with your partner’s inhibition; that will only push them further away. Be a role model for your partner, show them what a happy, healthy, sexy person looks and acts like by the way you approach their issues.

And I second Nina Hartley’s recommendation of Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen. Made me realize I’ve always been an exhibitionist – I was just too scared to let that side of me out.

Posted: May 2nd, 2012 under Sex Tips - No Comments. Tags: inhibition

How to Have Anal Sex Tips: Don’t Go From Ass to Pussy

Despite what you may see in porn, you can go from pussy to ass, but avoid ass to pussy. That is, if you want to know how to have anal sex that’s “clean” and safe:

There is… a risk of infection if couples do not practice safe sex and follow anal sex with vaginal sex. The penis must be properly cleaned before vaginal intercourse to prevent introducing bacteria into the vagina, which may cause an infection. “Keep in mind that it is not safe to proceed with vaginal intercourse after anal sex because there is a risk of introducing bacteria, Fisboin says. “So remember to always make sure that your partner cleans himself completely and uses a fresh condom before having vaginal intercourse. If you are experimenting with sex toys, also make sure to clean them thoroughly to avoid passing bacteria.

Important advice, but nonetheless I’ve done it on occasion, in the heat of the moment. It resulted in a yeast infection, which I’ve cured with boric acid suppositories and douching with hydrogen peroxide and water. Far more effective than Monistat – works to balance the vagina’s pH. Uncomfortable, sure, but if you catch it early it isn’t so bad for a once in awhile thing. And it won’t kill you.

Posted: April 30th, 2012 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: sexual health, yeast infections

Mind Over Matter: Making Your Fetish into Mine, or What its Like to Star in Fetish + Fart Porn

As a model, director, and producer of fetish and fart porn, I often must act as if I’m aroused by something that I’m, well, generally not.

Its a test of the mind, one I enjoy taking. Contrary to stereotypically bad mainstream porn, with a model who’s barely even pretending she likes it, I fully admit I’m often acting in my films, in one respect or another. I don’t pretend to eat farts in my everyday life, but I do a great job on camera. Or so my fans say. Know what? I’m not really a giantess either – I’m only 5′ tall (or short).

To produce quality clips, I have to get into the mindset of someone with the fetish. The more experience I have with any fetish, the better my videos; if I’m not there, they come across awkward, empty, hollow. The best clips are when I’m able to get myself turned on, when I understand the fetish and can act so well that I feel it in my body. I can tell when I’m filming, whether or not I’m ‘on.’ When I watch these clips later, they turn ME on, even when its not my ‘thing.’ I fully believe my own performance. These are also the best selling.

Two ridiculous stereotypes propagated not only in the mainstream media, but also by certain doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, sex therapists, sex coaches, and particularly tantric practitioners – that adult models are damaging their own sexuality and psyche by performing for others’ sexual needs, and that fetish in and of itself is perverse and detracts from “normal” sexual functioning. Sure, these can be true.

But in my case, its the opposite. Making fetish porn has dramatically improved my sex life. First, its shown me that my own “abnormal” desires are perfectly fine. Normal, even, in that we’re all weirdos in our own way. Trying to push those fantasies away made me obsess over them, over what was wrong with me and how I could get rid of them. I still have those fantasies, but they’re not so shamefully consuming. They’re available when I want, and I can set them aside when I don’t.

Second, by freeing up this crippling shame, I now have the energy to actually feel good during “regular” sex. If I can learn how to sexualize a fart, I can certainly learn to enjoy having my pussy licked, something I couldn’t really say 5 years ago that I absolutely love now.

I welcome almost any opportunity to stretch my erotic imagination. Why shouldn’t I? Why should we be so scared to explore, when there’s a sexual circus out there waiting for us to come play?

Posted: April 29th, 2012 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: fantasy, fart porn, giantess, pussy eating, shame

How to Eat Pussy: What to Do After She Has Her Female Orgasm

Woo, she had a female orgasm! But wait, your how to eat pussy lesson isn’t over yet…:

Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate.

I also enjoy a hand pressed very firmly over the area for a minute or so.

How to Eat Pussy

Posted: April 28th, 2012 under Pussy Eating - No Comments. Tags: female orgasm

Phthalates in Sex Toys: Keeping Your Dick, Pussy and Ass Safe

Be careful what chemicals are in your sex toys – phthalates are common ingredients that are linked to cancer

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I don’t care how good it feels to masturbate, it ain’t worth getting sick.

More on safety and sex toys here.

Posted: April 27th, 2012 under Sex Toys - No Comments. Tags: phthalates

How to Communicate About Your Fetish

We’re not always into what our partners assume. How can you share your fetish with a partner without hurting their feelings?

Email from a reader:

I have a bit of a weird sort of anti-fetish, I’m not really into boobs or the ass like most men are, I prefer smooth long legs and a nice mid-drift and belly. I often feel uncomfortable when I’m in a personal situation and a woman asks if I like her ass or boobs. I play affectionately with them, but that’s about it really. Is this normal for other guys too, and how do I break my  lack of attraction to boobs or ass to my respective partner?

Everyone has their own preferences, so you’re certainly not alone.  

From your question, it doesn’t seem you’re repulsed by tits and ass – but they’re not what turns you on.  In that case, I wouldn’t tell a woman you’re NOT into those body parts.  It may make her feel bad (she’s probably used to being admired for them) and she probably enjoys having you touch them.  Instead, affirm they ARE hot, while complimenting her on what you’re really into:

“Yeah they’re sexy.  And you know what I think is really hot?  Your legs and belly.”  

When you find yourself noticing her legs and midriff, compliment her.  In time she’ll understand that’s what you’re into.  Continue to compliment her overall beauty also, so she knows you appreciate the whole package.

Posted: April 26th, 2012 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: belly fetish, Fetish, leg fetish

Are Vaccines and Mercury Fillings Killing Your Sperm Count?

According to Timothy Ferriss, author of The 4-Hour Body: An Uncommon Guide to Rapid Fat-Loss, Incredible Sex, and Becoming Superhuman, selenium has been shown to increase sperm production and sperm quality.

After testing low for selenium, sperm county and quality, and high for mercury, he hypothesized three reasons for his selenium deficiency – one being:

Selenium protects against mercury by binding to it. Elevated blood mercury levels, which I tested positive for, could therefore also contribute to selenium deficiency.

NaturalNews.com agrees.

Considering we’re primarily exposed to mercury through vaccines and dental fillings, it seems logical to hypothesize that increased use of vaccines and mercury fillings would be associated with male infertility. Ingredients in certain vaccines, such as Gardasil, may impact female fertility.

Though studies are controversial, and Ferriss is really more concerned with his own swimmies than global infertility, he writes,

The sperm counts of men in the United States and 20 other industrialized countries have been falling since 1942 at a rate of roughly 1% per year in healthy males.

The average northern European sperm count in the 1940s was more than 100 million sperm per milliliter…of ejaculate. In 2008? “The sperm counts of the majority of 20 year old European men are now so low that we may be close to the crucial tipping point of 40 million per milliliter spermatozoa…we must face the possibility of more infertile couples and lower fertility rates in the future.” In Denmark, more than 40% of men have already dropped below the 40 million/ml threshold and entered “sub-fertility.”

One study concludes:

Supplemental Se and vitamin E may improve semen quality and have beneficial and protective effects, especially on sperm motility. We advocate their use for the treatment of idiopathic male infertility diagnosed with asthenoteratospermia or asthenospermia in semen analysis.

Bottom line: If you want kids, avoid mercury and consider increasing the amount of selenium in your diet. (But not too much.)

Posted: April 24th, 2012 under Male body - No Comments. Tags: sperm count