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My Kundalini Woke Up? WTF is That?

I had an experience recently that I can only call spiritual, and seemed to fit what I’ve heard called a “kundalini awakening.”

Kundalini is a sanskrit word referring to what some people call our physical-emotional-spiritual energy. And its supposed to be related to or emerging from our sexuality somehow. You can read some more likely inaccurate shit about it on Wikipedia.

I didn’t (and still don’t) know very much about it, nor did I necessarily believe it existed, though I was open to the possibility.

By Alex Gray

By Alex Gray

And then I experienced it. Maybe. I’m not sure. But I experienced SOMETHING, one lovely evening after I happened to have some really amazing sex.

I recorded this the following morning when the memory was still fresh, and I could still lightly feel WHATEVER it was I felt. I want to make jokes about it like I try to do with most things on this blog, but honestly I can’t. Not in a this-isn’t-funny-taking-myself-too-seriously sense. It just feels so matter-of-fact and real, there’s just nothing to poke fun at. Which is also weird for me. So here it is… whatever it is… !

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Posted: August 21st, 2014 under Spiritual Sex - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

Sometimes Conservative Christians Have a Point

I don’t agree with everything this woman says, but the judgment of her choices and beliefs is sadly common. This blog is fascinating because it demonstrates that no ideology can speak for everyone, especially not one that is said to speak for 50% of the population. Its ironic that while many people who consider themselves to be feminist have done some amazing things throughout history for women (and men) (and continue to do so) yet others use the term almost as a slur – how ABC people are NOT feminists because they believe or do XYZ (such as ‘sex workers can’t be feminists because they sell their bodies to men and contribute to the patriarchy’) – and that’s a problem. For them. Because they’re soooo unenlightened. The same way people who call themselves ‘liberal’ and listen to NPR often snub their nose at ‘conservatives’ who watch Fox News – not as if they simply reflect a difference of opinion, but as if the NPR-listener is inherently better, smarter, more advanced, more “progressive” (a term that has its origins in the eugenics movement & isn’t as historically awesome as people make it out to be).

Also I personally think we’re moving into a 4th wave of feminism… but more on that another time.

Originally posted on Tumblr.

Posted: August 13th, 2014 under Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Pleasure Doesn’t Always Look Pretty

I believe that’s KarmenKarma. Sure this looks violent and degrading and misogynistic. And it also looks fun (& if you follow her on Twitter, you’ll see she thinks so too). I enjoy having my breathing constricted. Pleasure doesn’t always look pretty. I’d say don’t judge a book by its cover, but realistically our brains are wired to take shortcuts like that, with so much information around us to be processed. So instead of not judging, being aware of one’s judgment of book covers opens up a space to ask – well is my judgment really legit? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. And even if it is for you, someone else may think its the best book ever written. As my dad would say, that’s why there are 64 crayons in every box (I don’t even know HOW many more there are today!).

Originally posted on Tumblr!

Posted: August 12th, 2014 under Blowjobs - No Comments. Tags: , , , , , ,

I Gotted What I Wanted

2 nights ago I wrote about desiring to be seen.

Last night I was.  

This is the odd way (some) things seem to happen lately.  I feel a desire.  I let it be. And shortly thereafter it happens to find its way into my life, without my explicitly trying.  It doesn’t happen all the time or for all of my wants.  It seems to happen the most when I’m calm and relaxed, when I allow myself to deeply feel my craving without judging or getting upset that I don’t have it.  When I accept that its not here but believe on some level that at some point it will be here.  

Writing this, it sounds a lot like what people call the law of attraction.  Whether that’s legit or not, all I know is my experience.  Which is…

We were on the DrSuzy.tv show last night.  Well I was (via Skype), and Terry came in the room at some point and joined me.  Even though I was with them virtually, I still had to get naked.  Well I didn’t HAVE to, its just a tradition that most people who come on the show get undressed to some degree.  I took my top off when we did “shots” that involved Terry licking salt off my boob (and I reciprocated, hah… though the shots were with water because we don’t drink much).  And then Dr. Suzy asked us to give a demonstration of some of my fetish work… which would have been smart if I had him lick my armpits and stuff since the aim of going on these shows is to promote my website, but at the time I wanted him to slap me and be rough with me so I went with that.  He slapped and choked and spanked me, just for a couple minutes, as I screamed and laughed both at the sensation and at hearing Dr. Suzy’s commentary on our actions in the background.  A good time was had by all.

After the show ended, we hung out on the couch talking.  We were both aroused from what we had just done, and he said he wanted to do my butt.  I said cool, though I had also been thinking about something else…  Which was something we’ve been into lately that we keep totally private so I won’t go into details.  I get nervous about this thing sometimes, but we both like it so I’ve been getting more comfortable bringing it up.  & I said hows about we do both.  

So we did the thing and it made my pussy so wet it completely soaked through my hot pink booty shorts, that is, until they came off.  I was VERY aroused, though sensation was kind of dampened, as happens sometimes when I’m nervous, but I still enjoyed myself.  A LOT.

And then we did the butt sex.  And I used my vibrator.  Which was awesome.  He slapped me and spanked me and spit on me, all the (not so) nice things I like.  At one point he accidentally hit me in the eye and I started crying for real out of shock, and he immediately stopped to ask what was wrong and hug me with his dick still in my butthole.  Real life sex has its lovely awkwardness that you don’t see in porn and romantic movies.  As soon as I was okay, we kept going til he cummed all up in my mouth.  As per usual.  Which was nice.

And after that Terry asked if I wanted him to finger me, which I’ve been into a lot lately.  This is a thing I get nervous to ask for even though I know he’ll say yes, so in the moment it made me happy that he offered.   I may not have asked otherwise because sometimes the anxiety of asking is so high that it disconnects me from my desire, so even if he says yes and does it, my body is no longer into it (this is the ‘sexual anorexia’ impeding what I want).  So I appreciated him offering because it saved me the internal struggle.

I was already super turned on from everything else we’d been doing, plus him asking if I wanted his fingers.  He fingered me while I rubbed my clit with my fingers and my vibrator.  And I got REALLY into it.  To the point where I was squirming and making weird noises and was so into the sensations in my body I forgot about anything else.  I was totally present and in the moment.  And even more, he wasn’t really doing that much to me.  I was the one fucking him, sliding my pussy up and down his fingers, angling my hips in different ways to feel him touch different parts of my insides.  It was 85% me.  That rarely happens.  And I’d like more of it.

In the midst of all this, was my desire I wrote about the other day: to be seen in my own eroticism, in my sexuality, as me, just me.  I was so enveloped in the pleasure my eyes were closed, but occasionally I would open them.  And every time I did, the first thing I saw were his eyes.  Completely focused on me.  Intensely watching me.  Taking me in.  As if me and my pussy were the only things that mattered in the world in that very moment.  

I was seen.

Despite all my fears, here is what did not happen:  I did not die.  I was not embarrassed.  I was not ashamed.  I was not overwhelmed.  I did not feel judged.  I did not cry.  I did not hide.  I did not stop.

Here is what did happen:  I felt alive.  I felt beautiful.  I felt that I mattered.  I felt connected.  I got turned on even more.  I kept going.  And when I wanted his fingers to do something different, I told him.  And he did it.  And I enjoyed it.  I REALLY FUCKING ENJOYED IT.  

It was so simple and yet I lack the words for just how profound it felt to me in the moment, and even still thinking about it now.  I hadn’t even told Terry yet my thoughts about that lap dance class, though I’d planned on it and have since.  Its not as if he completely knew what I wanted and gave it to me.  Nor could he really – I mean he could look at me, but I would have to allow myself to be seen to experience my desire.  I spent much of my childhood feeling invisible, trying hard not to be seen.  It takes far more than a flip of a switch for me to fully relax and open up.  My point being, I could never have MADE this happen.  In fact, any efforts in TRYING to be open only seem to shut it all down, to push my desires further away.

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

It just happened organically.  

It was not the first time something like this has occurred, either.

It makes me wonder if perhaps life is much more simple then we make it out to be.  

Posted: August 11th, 2014 under Desire - No Comments.

I Like to Deep Throat

I cried while gagging on Terry’s dick earlier. I love to deep throat before I’ve eaten anything because my gag reflex can handle a lot more. And when it does get tripped, its a really cool feeling to have my breathing constricted while my body is convulsing trying to throw up when there’s nothing there.

Posted: August 10th, 2014 under Blowjobs - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Learning to Give a Lap Dance

My pole fitness studio had a lap dance striptease class last night. I had $20 and no plans from 7:30-9 so I figured why not?

Its really more than that though (as it often is with me). This may seem silly, but I have always wanted to give a guy a lap dance, and the thought both arouses and scares me. I mean that makes sense for a regular woman. Most the women in class were nervous. But one might think because I am a sex worker and I make videos showing off my body it would be no big deal – so what’s the difference?

For starters, its ME who wants to give the lap dance. Terry would enjoy it but if I never ever did it during our lifetime together, he probably would die just as happy. I find it far far far easier to initiate something that we both want or that’s more for him, than something that’s mostly about me. That’s the one of the primary anxieties I experience as a “sexual anorexic.”

Porn has been surprisingly easy in this sense. Almost everything on my site has come from other people’s suggestions. If its something I’m comfortable trying, I do it. If people like it, I make more. A few years of doing this helped me discover certain fetishes I personally enjoy – mostly centered around body worship (feet, armpits, butt, mouth). Though I play the domme in some of my videos, I’m really much more submissive. Taking others ideas and enacting them is more an expression of my submissive side, even if I’m acting dominant. And I love my porn experience for that. Its given me various spaces to play and explore.

But I’ve come up against something that porn can’t help me with (and hopefully therapy can) – which is owning the desires I have, that are purely mine. It feels raw. It feels vulnerable. It feels exposed. It feels more naked than my nude body being all over the internet.

Which brings me to reason #2 for my anxiety – is that giving a lap dance highlights my body, my sensuality, and my sexuality. It is on display. In the open. To be seen – and only seen. Not touched, not acting, not roleplaying, simply being seen in my eroticism. In my desire to move my body in ways that feel sensual and feminine, in my desire to turn him on because I want him aroused. And because I want me aroused. Maybe that’s the scariest thing of all.

The sensuality of a lap dance is more than doing a set of moves, which we practiced tonight amidst much laughter and joking. Its my inner sex goddess, as my more new agey friends would say, that I yearn to connect with.

I came home and Terry was asleep on the couch. I don’t think I’m giving any lap dances tonight. And that’s okay because I’m not ready yet. But I had a good time and I’m glad I went!

Posted: August 9th, 2014 under Fantasy - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

Sexual Anorexia: My First Sex Therapy Visit

Its always hard to talk about this shit. And yet, I feel it is necessary. Whether its for me or you, I’m not sure.

In February, I briefly talked to a sex therapist who had experience working with people who had sexual anorexia (side note: I don’t really believe anyone “has” sexual anorexia as if its a systemic disease, I believe it is a learned pattern of behavior. However explaining that would get cumbersome so I’m just gonna keep saying ‘had’ and you know what I mean). Turns out she was trained by the guy who wrote the book on it (literally). She had experience working with other patients in the sex industry and was open to the fact that sex work is not inherently psychologically problematic. It is not WHAT you do, it is HOW you do it.

I held off from making an appointment. In truth, I was still seeing my now-previous therapist and decided I had more to learn from her about how to better deal with my emotions; I wasn’t done. Yet. However I left the last three appointments feeling as if I already knew everything she was going to say. I also kept feeling shitty because she would unintentionally trigger my anxiety about sex simply because she didn’t know enough to answer the 90 gazillion questions I would ask. This, combined with some things in my personal life that have kept me from this blog lately, compelled me to call her. The sex therapist.

Turns out she’s not actually a sex therapist. She’s a therapist who specializes in sex addiction and sexual anorexia. There aren’t many who do the latter. And some who do the former do a shit job, by the way. This is the problem with sex therapy – using that term broadly, including any kind of therapeutic or healing work around sexuality – is that all therapists come to the session with their own biases, which they then impart on their patients. Intentionally. Because they think they’re right. They would not say they are biased because they do not believe themselves to be biased.

I should have demanded my money back from a tantra teacher I tried once several years ago, thinking someone spiritual and decidedly not religious would be more open minded to my journey. Instead I sat there at a 10/10 on the anxiety scale as she told me that God intended us to be heterosexuals and that same-sex desires were a disorder of our relationship with our own gender. How she cured a man of his cum eating fetish because he shouldn’t have to do that horrible thing (though I bet she’s tasted herself without thinking its degrading, as many women do). How she used to be a nymphomaniac and run a “massage” parlor which got to be so empty even though she loved fucking all the hunky dudes that would come in. And then she discovered this fantastical spiritual side and somehow sexually healing men for money was so much more elevated than giving rubdowns. I think she saw her past self in me, that part of herself she – raised Baptist, by the way – was ashamed of. She wanted to rescue me from myself.

I was torn. I really had some fucking balls to even go there. I read her website over and over again. I told her what I did for a living before I made the appointment; I wanted to make sure I was not going to be judged in a space where I sought to be completely open. She seemed as though she understood my perspective, that this is part of my journey, that it gives me an opportunity to explore parts of myself I would not otherwise. That the women I work with are by and large normal, albeit a tad divaesque and flakey as fuck (as a generalization). That the stereotypes do exist, but they’re not the norm.

Nope. I was in shock. And yet, some of what she said made sense. Which made the experience all the more confusing. A broken clock is right twice a day though, right? I must have the ability to appear perfectly sane while inside I am either frozen like a deer in headlights or exploding mental word vomit. Somehow I can participate in conversations without even being there. It is only now that I realize I certainly could have requested my money back (or was it a “donation”? I hate that shit, its common in that “community”) – because I certainly did NOT get what I paid for. And it would not be the last time.

This is an extreme example, of course. However my experience seeking help in this area of my life – not really even understanding what was wrong – has been mostly frustrating, with a few points standing out. By and large they judge or make assumptions while acting as though they are not, or simply lack the knowledge to address my issues – although they try (and sometimes make me feel worse).

I was nervous about my appointment. I am most worried about this: If I am wanting to open up about my deep dark secrets, a fancy collection of painful memories and unexpressed emotions, I need to know that it is safe. To be out of control, because I don’t know what the fuck is going to come out if we REALLY start digging. I am fucking terrified. So whoever’s going in with me better hold my fucking hand and not let go, even if I try to kick them away to protect them from whatever’s pent up inside.

In some ways, I can point to specific incidents in my sexual history that might lead me to feel this way. Times I have opened up deeply and experienced extremely harsh judgment, for instance. I could be shying away from getting hurt again, like we humans love to do. In other ways, this sounds very traditionally feminine – a desire to surrender into something strong enough to hold me, all of the me, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. And yet from the framework of sexual anorexia – perhaps I am trying to control my sexuality by needing someone who does not and cannot exist; as if I pine over movie stars while desperate to marry. This perfect person who I need to help me never will, because they are not real.

This is precisely what drives me insane. I have an intellectual desire to understand the mind-body-spirit experience that is sexuality. I want to understand it, to the extent it is understandable. Or perhaps the better word is know – to know through experience, to live it. In addition to understanding with my brain what I did or experienced that brought it about. And I am continually frustrated.

If I saw three different therapists, they would have three different answers. Maybe more. At least one would say something that would trigger my anxiety about sex, and I would leave confused. Do I feel bad because I am/what I did was bad? Or is my therapist an idiot in this regard? I would leave in a high state of emotion that would take several days and several crying episodes to ultimately calm. (Terry just loves it.) And in this state, I tend to believe the latter. Yet in the moment, I believe the former.

It is exhausting. And yet, I understand why it occurs. It is a function of living in a society that is fucking weird about sex. They live in this culture too; they are not immune because they decided to help people in this regard. In fact, because they consider themselves “experts” they may be a bit more open in some ways but are completely shut off to new ideas in other ways that challenge their “truth” about how sex “is” or “should be.” Because they “know,” that’s why we’re paying them, right?

By this point, I’ve largely come to accept that certain negative thoughts and feelings are triggered by certain stimuli. Wow, that was nerdy. But before I accepted it, I thought they meant something was truly WRONG RIGHT NOW in a way that needed some sort of IMMEDIATE ATTENTION, though I never knew what. Negative feelings – especially shame – would send me running around frantically trying to fix whatever is causing the alarm. Didn’t really work that well. So after banging my head against the wall for awhile, I tried just letting myself feel the feelings instead of running, but also consciously working to calm myself down instead of letting my emotions run the crazy train. Its super fucking uncomfortable and I hate it, but its like ripping off a bandaid – intense for a moment but hurts way less in the long run. I have more room to breathe, even while the icky emotions sometimes feel as though they’re just lying dormant waiting to be triggered. Other times I forget they’re there. Or maybe sometimes they’re gone. Those times are nice.

So here it is, 6am and about to go to sleep. Somehow I didn’t talk about my first appointment at all. So here’s this: despite the fact that I snapped at her in reaction to one of her questions within 10 minutes of talking, I think she might be okay. I am completely terrified. I have spent a lot of my life researching what other people desire sexually – in school and for my website. And while I’ve given attention to my sexuality over the years somehow there is a depth I have rarely been able to penetrate. But I have enough to know its there. Its not really about sex. Its simply that my extreme anxiety about sex seems to block me from a deeper connection to myself. Just as food anorexia is not ultimately about food, yet requires a re-learning of how to eat in a healthy way.

So I feel I’m finally ready to look in the mirror. Not just look, but have a freaking staring contest with myself. Okay, less creepy. Its as if I’ve been on stage facing an audience, not even realizing there was a huge mirror right behind me. I’m scared to look – I can only handle a quick glimpse at a time. I am terrified of not being in control, that I will likely feel shame and humiliation and embarrassment, that I don’t know how it will turn out or where exactly I will wind up. I’m scared that I may let go too much, too soon, that I may be too much altogether, that I “should” reign it in – its much too much after all. But not-looking is getting too exhausting. I give up.

I surrender. Cautiously. To myself. To my need to do this, dumb and silly and unimportant as it seems. I mean, I’ve hardly died from some so-called lack of spiritual connection. Yet I haven’t fully lived, either. Its really what I set out to do, unknowingly. Whether this therapist winds up helping me through this or not, I feel I have something to learn from her. At least enough to try her for a few appointments. I hope this is the right place to let go, in the way that’s right for me at this time in my life. If its not, I will probably be upset and confused again but not surprised.

Lawyers, doctors, contractors, hairdressers, therapists – I don’t just commit to the first person in the phone book. I’m paying them for a service. I want to know if the person I’m paying is able to help me with my problem. Just because someone has a degree, a certification, 1900 years of experience it only matters if they can do the job that needs to be done. It takes knowledge, experience AND a personal connection so that I feel comfortable working with them. A friend of mine was complaining about a therapy session she tried and didn’t like, and I asked why didn’t she try another therapist. It had never occurred to her; she just made an appointment with the first one her insurance suggested. Perhaps its the researcher in me that loves to dig around and discover bits of gold (wait, that sounds more like an explorer…), but though I’ve come to the conclusion that *this* (whatever it turns out to be) is what I now need in my life, I’ve not yet concluded that she will be able to help. Only time will tell. I hate that.

A part of me really doesn’t want to post this. A bigger part of me does.

Posted: August 5th, 2014 under Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Who’s Got Masturbation Shame?

I do I do!

Seriously, I’d think I woulda been over this shit by now. (I’ve written a bit about it before.)

But I’m notttttttt!

Or I wassssssn’t when I recorded this 6 weeks ago… (slow on the posting, to be sort of explained next podcast). The odd thing about shame is that talking about it kinda makes it go away some. So maybe listening to me talk about mine can help you give voice to yours…

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Posted: July 7th, 2014 under Masturbation, Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

What Triggers Your Shame?

So awhile ago I talked about shame. These were some of my most popular podcasts. And I was surprised. I wasn’t sure if talking about feeling like shit would be all that compelling. But apparently it is! If you can relate to my version of shittiness, that is. And I think most people can, in one form or another.

So I promised I’d talk about shame more about as I learn how to deal with it, let it go, overcome, or whatever happens such that its not the prevalent emotion in my life anymore.

Even Cats Feel Shame...

Even Cats Feel Shame...

And almost 6 months later, its largely not. Its not gone, but its not the #1 thing I feel when I wake up in the morning. That’s new and different. Almost uneasy, because while the shame felt terrible, it was familiar.

So here’s something I’ve realized – shame is an emotion. Emotions come and go. But feelings don’t just come from nowhere, something triggers them, whether or not we’re aware. (And most people are unaware, I was up until recently… and still sometimes.)

Which to me means identifying when the feeling of shame is triggered and what did I see/do/hear/say/remember that brought up that emotion.

And it turns out there are some sexual things that used to cause me a lot of shame. But that really don’t anymore.

At the same time, there are some sexual things that I still do feel ashamed of. Even when my logical brain says everything’s fine, and I wouldn’t judge anyone else for it.

So today I talk more about what I’ve noticed about shame, how it comes and goes, and what I’ve done to let it go.

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Posted: June 3rd, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Remember This When You Feel Pain, Shame, or Fear…

Whether you’re scared your partner won’t accept your fantasies, worried about how your body looks, feel deep shame from a religious upbringing, or any million other things that could be a “problem” in your sex life – remember these words…

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know…nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. Maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. If we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. It just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves. ”

— Pema Chödrön

Posted: June 1st, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments. Tags:

Treat People Like Bunnies!

via Tumblr:

you know what upsets me

bunnies have tons of sex

like supposedly always humping right

but does that affect how we look at bunnies?

no

do we still think bunnies are cute af?

yes

do we want bunnies any less because of their sex habits?

no

treat people like bunnies ok

this has been a psa

Posted: May 25th, 2014 under Morals - No Comments. Tags:

Dating & Sex for Dudes: Interview With Angel Donovan

I was super excited to talk with Angel Donovan after listening to his podcast, Dating Skills Podcast, for the last 9 months or so. I love love LOVE his show for a few reasons – (a) He and his guests really know a lot about sex, dating & relationships from a (straight) guy’s perspective. They really help demystify women and how to have a happy life with them… Which brings me to (b) he’s helped me learn how to relate better to our models when I’m behind the camera, to create a more fun environment for them, and to allow them to let go and be dirty with us even more. And (c) its helped me understand elements of MY sexuality even more than I sometimes hear from other female sex & relationship “experts.”

Tune in to our chat and check out his site, Dating Skills Review, to learn even more about having fun & happy & fuck-filled relationships. With chicks.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Posted: May 21st, 2014 under Dating & Hooking Up, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Butts: Clean or Dirty?

Question via Tumblr: Do you lady’s clean your ass holes first? I became disappointed to find out most pornography in the “ass cleaning” business actually clean the ass before having it “cleaned” how do you and the people you work with do it? Ps. I prefer a kinda dirty b-hole ;)

Imagine having near strangers all up in your genitals and a high definition camera zoomed in so close your pores are visible, knowing thousands if not millions may see it. Seriously, imagine that for a minute. That’s why (most) porn stars are a bit obsessive about cleanliness in that area. They’re generally trying to avoid embarrassment, being seen/experienced as smelling/tasting bad and (with anal) dealing with a mess. It can be awkward, and I’ve heard of (some) guys in boy-girl anal scenes getting all grossed out and judge-y. That doesn’t make a girl feel sexy and then makes the scene less hot. Plus to be freshly shaved and have nice looking hair, that usually requires a shower first, even for those of us who aren’t so concerned.

I personally prefer a person’s natural smells and tastes. As if they went to work all day and came home and that’s just how they are. Or (if I’m REALLY attracted to them) if they went to the gym and skipped a shower after.

For our sites like LesbianAssWorship.net, we let the girls do whatever they want. They’re the ones with their mouths all up in there. Some do nothing, others baby wipe their buttholes. Occasionally a girl is so worried she even does an enema just to have her ass licked. That’s rare, but it has happened.

For my site, I usually tell the girls that I’d rather they didn’t clean so much but to do whatever makes them comfortable. When I say that, some girls are like, “Oh, okay cool” and others still prefer to baby wipe. If they DO baby wipe, I have them at least rinse it off with water after because I’d rather taste nothing than the flavor of cleaning chemicals. As a courtesy, if a girl wipes her ass I’ll usually do mine too, just to make her comfortable. Its more important to me that a girl feel comfortable “letting go” and being (socially) dirty than the physicality of it, because you can’t see a taste or smell. But you CAN see if she’s worried or grossed out and it makes for a less sexy scene.

When I’m shooting with Terry, I do nothing at all. I am how I am. But that’s how we both prefer it anyway. When we shot his anal DVD, we told them not to do enemas unless it was a REALLY big deal to them. One of of four did. A couple were a bit anxious about it, but we said if it became an issue we’d stop and clean up and it wasn’t a big deal to us. And that made them feel better.

Moral of the story is, if you want a girl to be dirtier (whether physically or socially – doing things seen as “dirty”), she’s gotta feel like she’s not going to be looked at differently because of it.

But just like some people have super clean houses (I’m NOT one of those), some of them are just going to prefer being clean.

Posted: May 19th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: , ,

So Your Partner Isn’t Initiating Sex Enough?

via Conner Habib:

Friends, No one wants to feel unwanted. When you’re the one that’s always initiating sex in your relationship, it can feel like there’s a big imbalance, and that can cause big problems. Even if the sex itself is good, if you’re the one always pulling your partner into bed, or onto the kitchen floor, or into the Starbucks bathroom, or whatever, the fact that you’re starting it can create resentment. You find yourself wondering, Why am I always the one asking for sex? What’s this feeling all about, and what’s the best way to handle it? Here are four ways to deal…

Read more here!

(PS – I don’t normally link to the Millionaire Matchmaker’s website, since I disagreed with at least half of what she said on her TV show – yet still found it annoyingly entertaining – BUT Conner is a cool dude. Or so I’ve decided based on some of his other writing…)

Posted: May 16th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments.

Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 2

If you didn’t catch Part 1, here it is! Today talking more about one of my favorite topics… dirty girls…

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Posted: May 13th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 1

I like to talk about helping people (especially women) open up to dirtier, kinkier, sweatier, crazier (funner) sex. And you, readers & fans, like to ask. So that works out.

For the last few months, I’ve taken over as director of our company’s websitesFartFantasy.net, LesbianAssWorship.net, and FartDom.net.

Which basically means I’m in charge of running the circus. Seriously, its like herding cats sometimes.

Which has taught me some interesting and important lessons about women. See, even though porn stars come to set knowing the type of content they’re shooting, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll be a good scene. Its everything that happens BEHIND the camera that makes her feel comfortable enough to open up, especially when she’s trying something totally new like farting in front of a camera and a room full of people! Even the most open minded chicks can be a little embarrassed at first…

So here’s what I do behind the scenes – your personal sex life is probably a little different, but the psychology is much the same.

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Posted: May 5th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Can You Just Decide To STOP Your Fetish?

Question via Tumblr: I’m over fetish porn, it is not going to be my main obsession in sex anymore. I’m done with thinking about all these nasty depraved acts. Goodbye Kelsey and all other fetish porn, it is not good for me. Have a great day.

And how are you going to accomplish that?

What are you going to think about instead? Are you able to simply turn your brain, your body and your emotions off?

If you are, you’re some fancy kind of robot.

Have you ever heard of a gay person simply deciding to straight? Or vice versa?

Are you able to simply stop liking your favorite foods? And begin despising your favorite music?

And the other way around – have you ever tried to enjoy something you simply don’t? To have feelings for someone you don’t care for? To like a TV show, movie, or song you’re at best indifferent to, at worst despise?

If it was easy enough to just stop thinking thoughts connected to actions we dislike (i.e., self-judge) – wouldn’t we all be healthier, happier, and richer? Or – what I sense is really underlying your goodbye note – more NORMAL?

I’ve heard this before, and I can tell you from first hand experience – you cannot just decide with your mind to stop desiring that which you want so much you orgasm over it. However, dealing with the shame felt about the desires can sometimes indirectly change them, or open up space for new and different desires. But that means a person must learn to allow their current desires to be, to accept them as they are. Otherwise one will yo-yo back and forth between denying themselves what they crave most, and shame-filled binges. Going through that though is sometimes part of the journey to acceptance.

So I wish you luck, while I fully expect you’ll be back. Come say hi, I’ll probably still be here.

Posted: April 30th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments.

When Do Women Orgasm During a Hookup?

What I find most interesting, is that (on average) women are more likely to orgasm during a hookup when (a) they touch their clitoris (duh), (b) she receives oral sex (duh), AND (c) they have ANAL sex (!).

Posted: April 19th, 2014 under Orgasm - No Comments. Tags: ,

An Embarrassing Story: Why You Should Only Use Toys Made For Your Butt, In Your Butt

People like to put all kinds of things in their orifices…

And sex educators always like to say its smartest & safest to use toys with a flared base in the butt so they don’t get lost. Kinda like this:

But I think we’ve all heard of situations that ended up more like this:

Fortunately those x-rays are not of MY butt. BUTT I did come close… listen to the hilariously embarrassing story for the details!

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Posted: April 17th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: , ,

What Porn Doesn’t Show You

A cute poem:

her hair is in my eyes and my legs are cramping but she is so beautiful
on top of me
and she accidentally falls off and laughs and her laugh is so sweet
i laugh too

and we make a joke about how ridiculous porn is;
all those videos we watched to figure out how to do this,
the moves not taught in sex ed
and we whisper between kisses “yes,
yes, yes -
wait no no no,
don’t do that.”

i accidentally bump my elbow in her face
and our vibrator falls onto the ground
and she makes a comment about how hard this is
so we lay there for a while thinking about whatever

until i kiss her again
and she pulls me into her.

Posted: April 15th, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars - No Comments.

Sexual Honesty – Are You Telling The Truth About Your Sexuality?

I’ve been reading this book called Radical Honesty by Dr. Brad Blanton.

I think most of us agree that honesty is important to a relationship. But actually BEING honest can be hard. Especially about sex.

Have you told your partner (or past partners);

  • Your complete sexual history?
  • What REALLY turns you on?
  • How exactly you masturbate?
  • Whether you’ve cheated on them? Been attracted to anyone else since you’ve been with them?

The list could really go on and on, and most of us would say no to at least one…

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Posted: April 13th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , ,

You’ve Got a Kink!

Posted: April 11th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

“I wish more girls were open and free…”

Question via Tumblr: Was more of a comment. Very impressed with your tutorial online about relationships and sex. I tweeted you last night. I wish more girls were open and free. So hard to find. I am in an industry where you would think it would be everywhere. Not so much now.

Thanks :)

Let me pose a question to you – if YOU wish girls were more ‘open and free’ – are YOU open and free? The vibe you put out tends to attract people of a similar mindset. If you are and you’re not getting anything in return, maybe you’re not looking in the right place. Or looking too hard. In my experience, the best relationships come when you’re just being yourself, doing your thing and not trying to force anything. Or perhaps on some level you’re not aware, you’re getting anxious or in your head and putting potential partners off. Maybe you’re being more closed off than you realize so you’re only attracting women who feel that way too. Observe yourself and watch how you behave and communicate around women you might be interested in, and you will probably notice how you’re fucking it up for yourself.

The most important thing I’ve learned in love & sex (which applies to virtually all areas of life) is that I am my own biggest impediment to getting what I want. And you are probably yours.

Posted: April 9th, 2014 under Dating & Hooking Up - No Comments.

The Spiritual Side of Kink, Threesomes & Cuckolding

Today on the podcast listen in to an interesting conversation I had with a listener named Gary. Cuckolding, if you haven’t heard my previous podcasts, is most basically when the female part of a heterosexual relationship openly fucks other dudes. Which sounds like a lot of guys’ worst nightmare…

But to some people its an authentic expression of their desires. And just like other forms of open relationships, its something that can bring a couple closer, instead of tearing them apart…

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Posted: April 7th, 2014 under Open Relationships - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Why (Most) Sex Advice is Bullshit

From ages 14-16, I spent a lot of time on AOL. I didn’t even know what a website was! And sometimes had to spend HOURS waiting for the TELEPHONE MODEM to connect. Fucking busy signal. Anyway that has nothing to do with this blog, except that one night I wandered my way into an advice chatroom. Nobody was looking for advice. But everybody WAS ready to GIVE advice!

One might think with all the advice in the world, we’d all be doing great. Buttttttt no. I can’t tell you how much sex advice I’ve tried to take over the years only for it to fail.

Its like, someone can give you a stock tip and you could make some money. (Maybe.) But if you don’t understand how the stock market really works, or have a shitty relationship with money and blow every dime you’ve got – is that stock tip REALLY what you’re looking for? Probably not.

Its the same with sex…

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Posted: April 5th, 2014 under Sex Podcast, Sex Tips, Uncategorized - No Comments.

50 Shades of Spanking… Okay, Really Just 4

Some people get turned on by spanking.

A spank is a spank is a spank. Hand on cheek. Right?

WRONG! Do not pass go, do not collect $200… (As my dad would say.)

Well, maybe for some people a spank IS a spank. But for a lot of people, its not just hand-smacking-buttcheek that’s important. Its the context.

Where, when, why & how do you want the spanking? That answer is probably a bit different for everyone, but here are a few ideas I happened across via Tumblr:

Posted: April 3rd, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

Why Do Guys Share Their Fantasies Online?

Question via Tumblr: Why do you think that many guys write out their fantasies and post them online? I don`t understand the logic or motivation behind it.

I’m curious about in what setting you’re talking about – where are you seeing guys post their fantasies?

But wherever it is, I think most people have a deep desire to share the sexual part of themselves. A lot of people (regardless of gender) are too scared to be that real with their partners if they have one. Or they’ve tried unsuccessfully and don’t want to face judgment or rejection again. So the internet provides an anonymous outlet and in certain places like fetish forums – others who understand and validate their fantasies.

I think its great when people find a place to express themselves. I also think its much more satisfying when we can do it in person, with a real human being who cares about our wants and needs. But that’s not an option for everyone (or perhaps not yet) so the internet fulfills that in part.

Posted: March 31st, 2014 under Fantasy - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

If you don’t want to, say No: a porn star’s guide to sexual consent

Porn is entertainment, not a documentary.

Which means, sure, you can learn about sex from porn.

But that will only take you so far.

Because (much to my dismay) there isn’t much conversating in porn. In every shoot I’ve done, there’s been a BUTTLOAD of communication before the scene. But nearly as much on camera.

Yet its hard to have good sex without good communication. It doesn’t mean you need to sign a contract before you get naked every time, outlining every square inch of one another’s bodies and where its okay to touch. And sometimes, we change our minds mid-act anyway. Sex is fun like that.

So here’s some communication advice from porn star Stoya (oh, & isn’t she pretty?):

1. Ask the people you will be having sex with what their preferences and limits are. This fosters active consent and encourages communication.

2. In order for a sexual partner to be able to give you what you want, you have to tell them what your desires are. A sexual partner can’t respect your limits if you don’t express them.

3. It is completely OK to retract your consent during a sex act. You can say that something is more intense than you thought it would be and you are no longer OK with it. If you do not speak up your partner(s) have no guaranteed way of knowing that you are unhappy or uncomfortable.

4. If a sexual partner says something hurts, uses a “safe word” or other signal to communicate that they want the sexual interaction to stop, or just looks unhappy, freaked out, or generally not OK, you need to stop what you’re doing and check in with them.

5. If your partner(s) are drunk or high, their ability to consent is questionable. If they’ve previously expressed distaste for anal sex and are slurring “Fuck my asshole” you should politely decline and bring the subject up later when they’re sober. This applies to any sexual act that you have not previously engaged in with this person.

(My $0.02 lots of sex educators say this, but the reality is a lot of people abandon sobriety so they can experiment. I have. Successfully. But if they’re fucked up to the point of slurring their words or are generally out of it, they’re not really there to consent. In which case, take Stoya’s advice.)

6. As a general rule, don’t penetrate an orifice, pee, vomit, or bleed on someone, or slap them around without discussing the act first.

7. If your sexual partner(s) express a limit or ask for something to stop and you do not respect it, you are stepping onto a scale that ranges from “jerk” to “full-on rapist”. Personally, I don’t want to be on that scale at all, and I don’t want to engage in sexual activity with anyone who does hang out on that scale.

8. If one of your sexual partners steps on to the jerk-to-full-on rapist scale, call them out on it. You have the right to end the sexual activity you are engaged in and to decline sexual activity with them in the future.

So… go do those things. Okay?

Posted: March 27th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

How Does Religion Affect Our Sexuality?

Today on the podcast I talk with Dr. Darrel Ray, author of this interesting book:

And here’s his beautiful face:

Dr. Ray grew up in a religious family, which didn’t bode well for his understanding of sexuality. Watching his mother slap his baby brother’s hand away from his penis definitely tells a kid that touching yourself is bad. (But its not!) Now as an organizational psychologist, he became very interested in the relationship between religiosity and shame.

He did a massive survey and found some really interesting things, like:

  • Religious and non-religious people have similar rates of sexual activity – masturbation, porn-watching, oral sex, fetishes, etc.
  • But the big difference is, religious people feel WAAAAY more shame about it.
  • And when people left their religions, a lot of that shame went away within a couple years and they were able to enjoy their sexuality much more.
  • Yet most of us continue to carry around ideas about sex that come from organized religion, whether or not we’re religious, many of which still get in the way of our pleasure. Like Dr. Ray’s friend who was taught that oral sex is a sin. He’s an atheist today, but still can’t bring himself to go down on his wife. (Sad for her… AND him. Eating pussy is awesome!)

We talked about a TON more interesting shit – so have a listen, and if you want to reach Dr. Ray, you can do through his organization, Recovering From Religion.

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Posted: March 24th, 2014 under Books, Religion and Sexuality, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , , , ,

So You Want to Have A FFM (2 Chicks & A Dude) Threesome?

If you’ve ever fantasized about a threesome, realize that orchestrating a successful one takes a LOT of skill. And honestly, a vast majority of those interested don’t got the skills. (At least, not yet. Maybe with practice. Maybe.)

Alpha Harlot has had a TON of threesomes with straight couples. Most of them unsuccessful. Here’s why…

I get asked to fuck couples all the time. I don’t do threesomes anymore because I hate them. There’s always an odd man out and jealousy and nonsense that I honestly do not have the time to deal with. Even the hot tub orgy that I had last year for my birthday turned out rotten afterwards because of lack of communication before, during and after…even though I stressed to all parties involved that it was necessary.

Online dating is all about conversation skills. Much like bar dating, or supermarket dating or any other kind of dating.

Everything depends on the approach, what comes out of your mouth (or onto the keyboard, as the case may be) and then the follow through.

Women are looking for very different experiences than men are as well…so when you approach a woman, regardless of the context, you’ve got to treat her like she’s a human being that you’re interested in, not just an extra vagina for sexual activities.

Take our conversation for example…

You approached me with the subject line, “Meeting up with a couple”.

Before I even clicked on the message and responded (and I respond to every message that I get on Xtube, because that’s my bag and has been for the last 5 years. Everyone deserves a response IMO), I knew that I wasn’t interested in meeting you because you approached me with all your cards on the table.
I’m XYZ, I want to bang…I’ve got a girl, she also wants to bang. We don’t much care what you look like, or who you are…we’ve just been Jonesing for a sexual adventure and you seem like the type of girl who would be fun in the sack.”

What you want is another woman in your bedroom.

What I want (and most women, to tell you the truth) is conversation…because vagina is a hot commodity and dicks are a dime a dozen. If you want in my (or any other woman’s) pants, you’ve got to CONVINCE me that, not only are YOU worth my time and effort, but your woman is too. This is not accomplished by asking me to fuck you right from jump.

If you’re looking for a slab of meat, you’ll have better luck in the supermarket.

That year that I spent just doing threesomes? I wasn’t particular at all. I’d just responded to Craig’s list ads for couples that were looking and, every single one of them (but two actually, I got turned down by two after face to face encounters) was down to fuck.

If they weren’t my type, I did it anyway. If I wasn’t their type, they’d try to bang me anyway. Some of the time it was nearly comical because they were OBVIOUSLY not into fat chicks, but they wanted two naked girls in the same room so badly that they didn’t care.

Standards out the window…

“At least I got to do my FFM!!!”

It was an extremely silly situation.

MOST of the couples that I ended up fucking wouldn’t have given me the time of day if they had seen me out and about…but because I was a slutty, willing hole, they were into it.

They just wanted the notch on their bedpost. We had nothing at all in common, there was no chemistry…it was just fucking for the sake of fucking and I probably only came ten times in the 300 or threesomes that I had that year.

Not satisfying at all.

Posted: March 23rd, 2014 under (Non) Monogamy - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Don’t Join A Porn Site to Get Laid.

Here’s an actual email I got today:

Reason I wanted to be part of your site was that I wanted to act out a fantasy of mine of being a fart slave. Also wanted to role play out anal play with farting. I questioned you about doing this and you replied you only do that with your boyfriend. You did say you would recommend to another company [i.e., we hire guys for FartDom.net if they're local to So Cal] that does this work but since I am not local probably couldnt be arranged.

I wish I could get this arranged somewhere on east coast. Dropped membership because don’t feel you couldn’t help me out. Will say sight was pretty good just didn’t see how I couldn’t get fantasy set up and fulfilled.

My response:

Thanks for the email, sorry you didn’t get what you’re looking for but we just make porn. Arranging meet ups isn’t part of the membership for anyone who joins. Just like any other porn site. You can find some advice for finding compatible partners on KelseyEducation.com. Best of luck with your search.

Guys, if you ever contact a sex worker (porn star, cam girl, pro-domme, etc.) and she gives you attitude (some are REALLY bad about this, others are perfectly friendly) – its because we constantly deal with “fans”* who seem to feel entitled to receive more than what we offer. Sometimes its flabbergasting. And as much as I love my work, its one of the things about doing sex work that gets really old. I haven’t met a sex worker who didn’t agree.

*I use the word fans in quotes because the truest fans – in my experience – are super nice, respectful, and really appreciative of the work I do. They’re usually pretty cool guys.

Posted: March 22nd, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars - No Comments.

What IS sexually empowering?

Empowerment is a fuzzy term. I hate when articles reference dictionaries to orient their position, but I really had to look up the definition because the word is debated. What IS empowering? What ISN’T?

So according to Merriam-Webster, empowerment is:

1: to give official authority or legal power to
2: to enable definition 1
3: to promote the self-actualization or influence of

I think #3 is primarily what most people mean when they talk about empowerment. Notice it does not define what actions are empowering. In fact, to “promote… self-actualization” would imply that what IS empowering varies by individual (by each “self”). What leads me to self-actualization and what leads you to your own is probably different. Particularly if my journey includes things people often feel are inherently DISempowering, like sex work, engaging in fetishistic sex, and having multiple casual sex partners.

For some people, empowerment is getting a traditional education and landing a decent-paying job with opportunities for advancement. For others, empowerment is LEAVING that very same job to take care of one’s children, to start a business, or travel the world.

Who’s right? Is the job empowering? Or is quitting?

They’re BOTH right.

So what is sexually empowering? You tell me. Leaving behind a “normal” life and joining the porn industry has been “empowering” for me. Its taught me an awful lot about myself, about men and women, about communication, about my body, about my desires, about my boundaries. (Not to mention how to run a business and be self-reliant.) For others, like Jennie Karchner, quitting the porn industry to pursue a Master’s degree is empowering.

What pisses me off is when people turn this vague concept of empowerment into a hard definition – that certain behaviors must inherently be empowering, and others must not be. Which seems hypocritical and exactly the reason empowerment is a concept to begin with. Nobody can tell you what the right thing is to do with your life, nobody can tell me what’s right for mine. (And maybe the right thing is sometimes to do the wrong thing, because sometimes we learn big lessons about life that way.) So to draw lines around empowerment negates the whole definition.

And why does it fucking matter anyway? The amount of energy we expend judging others’ actions says more about our own problems than it does theirs.

Posted: March 19th, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars, Uncategorized - No Comments.

What do (Ex)Mormons and Porn Stars Have in Common?

And what do you have in common with both of us?

In today’s podcast I discuss about the book Secret Ceremonies: A Mormon Woman’s Intimate Diary of Marriage and Beyond by Deborah Laake.

I was surprised that I could relate so deeply to her struggles, her journey from married religious Mormon to single excommunicated journalist. From doing EVERYTHING she was SUPPOSED to do, to living life on her own terms. Well when I put it that way, it makes perfect sense.

I think anyone who really wants to explore their sexuality could relate in some way – we don’t get a lot of education or support for delving too deeply into that part of our selves and our relationships. If you want ANYTHING that’s out of the norm (and one could argue that having a fulfilling relationship IS out of the norm considering how many people get divorced, and how many who don’t are miserable…) – you’re going to have to learn the difference between YOUR voice and the voices of other people you carry around in your head. That’s not easy.

But the end result (so I’ve seen so far anyway) is a lot more fun. Some things are worth the struggle. Perhaps reading about Deborah’s experience can help you in some way, like it has me.

Plus, its pretty interesting shit.

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Posted: March 17th, 2014 under Religion and Sexuality - No Comments. Tags: ,

Better Butt Licking

Question via Tumblr: Do u have any advice on how I can improve my ass licking on my girlfriend? I love her ass and worship it everyday. Face sitting is the best. Her ass tastes so good but I want to know if their r some techniques I could use to get her have more pleasure? It’s all about her.

Ask her. Everyone’s different. Some people like more liking on the outside, some more deeper inside. Let her masturbate while you do it if she likes. Have her watch her favorite porn while you do it, if she enjoys that. Or read aloud dirty stories. It really depends on her – ask her what makes her feel good and be creative with ways of combining with your pleasures.

Posted: March 14th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: ,

We Don’t Ask for Our Desires…

… so we may as well get friendly with them.

Even if they’re weird, humiliating, or violent (so long as nobody REALLY gets hurt).

Here’s what self-defined feminist, Emily, has to say about her fantasies (many of which overlap my own interests):

I consider myself to err on the side of sexual submission. I have never been into the performative aspects of it all — I am not some weird sex LARPer who wants to wear costumes and address each other as “Master” and “Slave.” I don’t want to go to special events, I shouldn’t have to wear pleather just to get it done, and I don’t want to “play.” I want to have weird sex with weird people who like weird things, like an adult.

Some of those weird things that I like include: rough breast play including slapping, clothespins and ropes; name-calling of the slut-bitch-whore variety; forced deepthroating; facials; “Daddy” talk; rape play; spanking; dirty talk; hair-pulling; group sex; anal; and basically anything else filthy/nasty/taboo/found in your average pornographic video. Also, and here’s the stuff that’s more for special occasions and that I don’t want to admit on a site for ladies: being slapped, being spit on, being choked, being urinated on.

I don’t begrudge anyone their role as captain of their own sexual steamship. Desire is complicated and tricky to regulate — I don’t think I could stop being turned on by being treated “badly” any easier than a gay man could suddenly start being attracted to women. I might prefer that my big controversial sex preferences involved whipped cream or whatever instead of wanting to be slapped in the face during intercourse, but that is not the hand I was dealt.

We all, male and female, live in a world where a wider range of sexual activity is visible and accessible to us. As long as we keep consent, respect and common courtesy top of mind, that fact in itself doesn’t have to hurt anybody.

Sometimes I hear women say that by engaging in “politically incorrect” sex, we are sending a message to men that all women want to be treated in such a manner. But consensual sexual activity, even if it resembles some nonconsual sexual activity, isn’t rape any more than movie murder is real murder. And while some people certainly think we should eliminate movie violence lest it drive the easily influenced to commit violent acts, we’re not talking about movies here. We’re talking about people. And you can’t eliminate people or ask them to eliminate parts of themselves, no matter how messy or unappealing their desires may seem to you.

Since we can’t erase reality, we better start dealing in nuance.

Getting slapped and called a slut because it turns me on and I’ve asked for it is not abuse. The men who want to do that are not abusers; in fact a lot of them are some of the nicest and most respectful men I’ve met outside of the bedroom. Rape play and rape are never going to be the same thing. And pretending that the two are similar is actually way more confusing and dangerous than clearly differentiating them.

If our men truly can’t tell the difference between hurting, abusing and degrading a woman, and participating in consensual play utilizing some of these elements, then the problem lies with them and sexual education in our society, not with those temptingly rape-able women who enjoy rough play.

If you are still confused, consider this: After we’re done, when I’m spent from being used, being told I’m a filthy whore as you hold me down or toss me around or hit me if those are the boundaries we’ve agreed upon, when I’m covered in saliva and sweat and bodily fluids, look at my face. I will be smiling.

That’s the difference.

Posted: March 12th, 2014 under Fantasy - No Comments. Tags: , , , , , ,

Belle Knox & Why I’m Not a Feminist

If you haven’t heard, there’s a freshman at Duke University who’s in porn.

Why this is breaking news, I have no idea, because there are porn stars, webcam models, strippers, escorts and prostitutes (i.e., SEX WORKERS) all over the country who are also in college. OMG YOU MEEN A GIRL WHO GETS NEKKID FOR MONEY IZ ABEL TO REED N WRIGHT TO?

The fact that its become this national controversy says a lot about our hypocritical cultural views on sexuality. Such as the fact that she’s getting all kinds of shit lobbed at her and her family, yet nobody’s complaining about the consumers who are watching her videos. (Not that they’re doing anything wrong either.)

You want to see me naked. And then you want to judge me for letting you see me naked.

Though now the guy who supposedly outed her is getting his share of shit too. Which I don’t think is cool either (an eye for an eye doesn’t usually end up well).

The most ludicrous thing about this “scandal” is, in my opinion, how people (mainly women) are questioning her identification as a feminist. Because obviously someone who chooses to get naked for money couldn’t possibly be one. Nevermind a big part of feminism is (supposedly) listening to women’s voices. Apparently we silly sex workers couldn’t possibly have our own stories of importance to speak of.

I used to consider myself a feminist. A big one. I seriously considered getting the word tattooed on my body. But while I share a lot of beliefs with people who call themselves feminists, I’d rather not waste my energy arguing about the meaning of a word.

Its kinda like this, which fetish model Samantha Grace posted on her Tumblr the other day:

I think Belle Knox is pretty damn strong for going through something so crazy at just 18 years old. I wish her the best in her education and work.

Posted: March 10th, 2014 under Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

Help! My Girlfriend Wants to Do Porn and I’m Jealous

Question via Tumblr: how can i deal with jealousy ? my girlfriend wants to do porn

The best way to address jealousy is to identify what exactly your fears are and talk about them. Before Terry & I filmed his anal scenes where he fucked other girls in the ass, we talked about it. A lot. I was fully behind the idea but still had some feelings of jealousy to address.

Jealousy is mostly insecurity that your partner will want someone more than they want you. Which IS always a risk if you’re opening up your relationship in some way. It goes away the more you learn to trust your partner and value yourself. The way I look at it, he might have fun with other chicks now and then, but is casual sex really going to trump the love & connection we share? No way. Is some chick going to have a better butt to fuck than me? He’s very happy with what he has at home, so even if he has the time of his life in the moment, at the end of the day its always just us.

But that also doesn’t mean you need to be okay with a more open relationship. Its definitely not for everyone. In my opinion, if your girlfriend is interested in doing porn or any kind of sex work, that’s bringing additional people into your sex life. Its something you both need to enjoy, otherwise the relationship won’t last very long. If she’s unwilling to talk about your feelings or doesn’t care – there’s something far more wrong with the relationship than her wanting to do porn. In which case, porn WILL break you up. But if you don’t address what’s going on more deeply, you’ll probably break up regardless.

Posted: March 6th, 2014 under Open Relationships - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Sometimes The Best Sex is No Sex

For all the talk about sex on this blog, its important to say – its not everything. Sometimes we have other priorities, or desires. Or lack of desire. Not wanting sex doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is broken or doomed. Human beings are not consistent like machines. And neither is your sex drive. Sometimes you or your partner may just need a break.

Just like this couple…

I’ll be married 12 years this June. We met in our naïve 20s. My husband, all goofy granola charm, hung over my cubicle my first day at my first job. I remember he was wearing Birkenstocks with socks; he swears he never wore sandals to the office. He invited me over to watch a basketball game and get to know our co-workers. When I arrived, my East Coast sensibilities primed for an evening salon of conversation and schmoozing, I discovered I was the only one there.

Those first months were hot, and not just because we were living in the unforgiving heat of California’s desert. Every night and weekend was free, for dinners out, dancing, roaming the sidewalks aimlessly, sipping cheap margaritas, making out on public benches, falling into bed, slick with sweat.

Even as we sailed forth, like moths drawn inexplicably toward an ancient, hypnotic flame — wedding, mortgage, procreation — we never grew bored with each other. Sure, we bickered over why he absolutely wouldn’t be allowed to keep that ugly bachelor armchair with the fraying fabric, and we power-struggled over the usual flashpoints — money, outside family commitments, careers. But we always returned to the comfort of each other’s embrace, and the pleasure that sex delivered.

And then came our first baby. She rocked us, and not in the I-scored-tickets-to-that-freaking-killer-band-on-Friday-night way. Pregnancy was a shock to my system — the ballooning of my body from size 8 to size whale; the constant paranoia that something, probably something I would stupidly do, would mess it all up and harm our innocent child.

Here’s the confession the social scientists, shrinks and unburdened, childless observers of the zeitgeist are waiting for: We didn’t have sex for a year.

You read that right. A year. That is not an easy thing to admit, when our culture so tightly links sexual vibrancy and exploits with youth, happiness and worth. There is no room, especially for women, to talk honestly about the ebb and flow of sex; no room for seasons of frantic lust separated by windows of quiet and pause. If you don’t have sex for a year — a year! — your marriage must be failing. Both wife and husband must be deeply unhappy, the union not long for this world. Might as well dial up the divorce lawyers or sex therapists right now. If you don’t have sex for a year, the woman must be a certain kind of evil, frigid monster and the guy must be one foot out the door.

Except we were not unhappy. My pregnancy was rough. Post-pregnancy was rougher… trouble healing physically (because, um, not all of us are Michelle Duggar) and a demise of the state formerly known as sleep. To say nothing of the mental and emotional bruising, inflicted not only by a new, baby-dictated schedule but from the very morphing of our former identities and relationship into something new and nearly unrecognizable.

Yet we still had the things that had started it all: Our yin-yang connection, our shared values, our memories of freedom-fueled fun and years of physical intimacy. And our new level of trust: We had done something that lashed us together more tightly than any expression or experience of sexual desire ever would. We had created life out of our love for each other.

Nothing is like that trust that grows when you watch the person you love blossom with new life. When you see the man you picked out when he was a free-wheeling 28-year-old with one pair of shoes and a recipe repertoire that consisted of a single dish (pineapple-broccoli burritos) mature into a steely-strong partner you can, and will, lean on.

It’s one thing to trust a guy enough to let him buy you a cheap margarita. It’s another thing to trust a person so deeply that when you are finally having great, relieving sex again with the rare condom (in a half-assed and ultimately failed attempt to stave off the next child) and the condom slips off and gets terrifyingly lost up there, you let him own the situation. And he rescues you, extracting that errant latex with the calm reassurance of a cattle farmer extracting his 200th calf.

That’s the bad-assedness of married sex, folks.

Posted: March 4th, 2014 under Relationship Advice, Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

When Fetish Crosses the Line

Comment via Tumblr: I saw the saddest fetish video the other day. This woman used her heels to step on and kill a rabbit and she kept smashing it until it was a pile of mush. I’m normally understanding of fetishes but this made me really sad and angry. I don’t understand how anyone could enjoy watching animals get tortured and how anyone could do that. (I didn’t actually watch the video, I just moused over it and saw the different preview thumbnails.)

People enjoy theft, rape and murder too.

I wholeheartedly believe that there is no wrong desire. A person can be aroused by anything and everything. You’re free to imagine whatever you like in your head. But there is a gap between desire and action. If pursuing your desire causes physical, mental or emotional harm to others or their property – you are violating others, subjecting them to YOUR wants and needs above their own. Its like the basic idea of freedom – you do what you want, I do what I want, but when what you do infringes on my freedom to do what I want to do – that’s not freedom anymore.

Now ‘harm’ is somewhat of a grey area. Some things look harmful from the outside, like certain BDSM practices. Extreme pain, CBT, choking, gagging to the point of vomiting – it depends on the individual whether these are harmful to begin with, though there is a point of no return that anyone has to be careful about. Mental and emotional harm is also quite subjective. For instance, I’ve enacted a completely consensual rape fantasy with Terry once, which I found both physically and emotionally enjoyable. But to someone else, the same situation could trigger deep emotional pain they weren’t ready to deal with. Sometimes we don’t know how far is too far until we cross it.

But crushing live animals (even bugs, in my opinion) definitely crosses that line. If someone is turned on by scenarios like this, it doesn’t make them a bad person. But if simply thinking about it, reading erotic stories, watching cartoon versions or some other benign way of expressing that desire are not enough – then its time for professional help.

Posted: March 2nd, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Faking It Is Lying And My Pants Are On Fire

I always thought faking orgasms was stupid. Why would I want to train my partner to have bad habits? I’ve never done it in real life. And I’ve only done it on camera 3 or 4 times at the beginning of my website before I decided that was stupid and unnecessary too. If I say I’m cumming, I am. If I don’t, I’m not.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t ever faked anything. I think most women have. Probably most men too. But usually in other ways…





A couple weeks ago – Terry caught me. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until he asked. Over the next few days, I kept noticing other things I’ve been faking. Faking being another term for LYING. God damn. I’m a fucking liar. Not intentionally. Not explicitly. But every time I pretend to feel a way I don’t – that’s a lie. Don’t voice my opinion in a situation where it truly matters – lie. I lie by omission to make other people happy. Or to not anger them. To avoid rocking the boat.


Not all the time, of course. Probably more than some people. Definitely less than others. But more than I’d like. Because I realized what lying does – it creates a wall. Its hard to feel close to someone when you’re not being truthful. Snuggle up all you want, you can’t break an invisible barrier.




So are you (unintentionally) wearing an emotional condom?


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Posted: February 28th, 2014 under Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , ,

All About Butts!

Today I’m talking buttsex – answering listener questions about:

- Deep anal penetration
- Opening up the ass
- And when she should get her orgasm

And check out my free anal sex guide to learn exactly how I do it here!

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Posted: February 26th, 2014 under Anal Sex, Sex Podcast - No Comments.

How I’m Okay Being “Cheated” On

Yesterday I told Terry, “If you ever have the opportunity to cheat on me, you should.”

Why? (A) Because I care about him enough to give him the freedom to do what feels good to him. Why should he have to deny something he wants because we’re in a relationship? I want him to be happy.

Of course, I may not be so open if it weren’t for (B). (B) Because if it ever happens, I want him to tell me all about it. Because I like him having sex with other women. Because it turns me on.

And (C) because he gives me the freedom to do whatever I want with women. People sometimes ask me how its fair he can be sexual with other chicks but I’m not with other guys. Its easy: I don’t want to. All I really want is him and a harem of chicks. So it works out.

Now before you tell me what an awesome wife I am (which I am), you should also know about a few caveats that make the possibility more unlikely to happen (though it still could):

(1) Except for oral sex, she has to be tested. Which limits his possible cheat-partners primarily to porn chicks who test every 14-28 days. Or he could use a condom, but he hates them and wouldn’t bother if that were a requirement. I don’t like ‘em either.

(2) No vaginal sex. This really cuts down the pool. Not because there’s anything special about my vagina that its the only one he’s allowed inside. Well, it is special, but for other reasons. Its because without a condom, we’re relying on some chick he doesn’t know well to actually take her birth control as prescribed (assuming she’s on it, which if she’s a tested porn chick she most likely is).

We use the pull-out method, which some people like to say isn’t a method, but studies show its as effective as typical condom use. And we’ve been doing it over 4 years with no issues. Because he has very good control, and I can only remember 3 or 4 times in our 6 years where he’s cum a bit too soon. And there were some special circumstances at the time that made that happen, which wouldn’t be likely with someone else. Plus if I were to get pregnant, we’d be happy about it. We’re planning on having babies in the future anyway. So I’m fine with the risk for just us.

But even with his excellent ejaculatory control, there’s always a chance. And who knows whether she’s as on top of her birth control to make 99.9% effective like they claim. The minor chance of him impregnating another woman is still too great for my comfort. And his.

Now, if we knew the woman and was certain she was consistent with her birth control or had an IUD, I’d be more open to him having vaginal sex. That’d be a case by case basis and we’d probably have to discuss it first.

(3) No vaginal sex means he’s basically limited to receiving blow jobs (something he isn’t super into, but the excitement of ‘cheating’ could make it more enjoyable than usual), giving oral sex (which he likes a lot), and anal. The likelihood of doing anal sex during a hookup is not high. Though again, if we’re talking about someone within the porn performer pool, the chance is higher than with a “regular” woman.

(4) He has to tell me. Right away. I want all the details. And I’ll probably want him to fuck me while he tells me all about it. And think about it when I masturbate for the next week. Or three.

(5) Things have to be going well for us. Meaning we’re happy together, getting along, and not fighting. If things were rocky at the time, I’d more likely be pissed. It wouldn’t make me leave him or anything. But I’d probably be real angry.

And lastly…

(6) No doing things that we only do with each other. Yes, this is a vague statement. Just like most people on the planet, we still have a private sex life that nobody will ever see. There are things we do together that I don’t ever tell people about. Its called intimacy, and even though we have sex with other people, certain things are still special to us. But that’s not really an issue. He always respects those boundaries.

So there you have it. How Terry can cheat on me. Which isn’t really cheating, because its not off-limits. REALLY cheating would be breaking one or more of these agreements.

Its the details like this that are important to outline if you’re having an open relationship of any kind. And keep talking about it, because they’re likely to change over time.

Posted: February 25th, 2014 under Open Relationships - No Comments.

Sometimes Sex Gets Messy

When I have really good sex, it often feels very raw, animalistic, messy. A mix of sweat, saliva, vaginal fluids and semen at the least. Sometimes squirting, which despite what all the ‘experts’ say, sometimes contains a trace amount of urine (which I figured out when I was taking vitamins that turned my pee bright yellow… and my squirt puddles turned a pale yellow from their usual clear). If we’re doing anal, occasionally shit happens. The wonders of the physical body on display to my lover.

Despite the efforts we make to de-grossify ourselves with perfumes, body sprays, deodorants, and mouthwash, to name a few, underneath we’ve all still inhabit these living breathing entities that don’t give a shit how clean or dirty they are. My body could care less when I last showered (which if you know anything about me, isn’t usually that often…).

So that’s why I loved this blog post about vomit.

I first heard of erotic vomiting in this chapter by Lauren Berlant and Michael Warner. Not an act I ever associated pleasure with, I was fascinated to read about a live force-feeding erotic vomiting performance they attended. I read this about 7 years ago, before I knew anything of the fetishistic worlds that exist both online and off.

No, this isn’t a story about how I developed a puke fetish. But more about how I’ve come to accept it as a part of the messiness that is sex. And even like it… almost.

Here’s something I wrote in response to a fan question about whether I’ve ever done or will do scat (poop) videos:

I generally have a ‘try anything once’ attitude, and while I think the idea of someone being turned on my ALL aspects of my body is hot, fantasy is different than (messy & smelly) reality. I’ve come into contact with shit doing anal without enemas because I hate how they make my stomach feel. I don’t care if there’s a little, and neither does Terry, but I experience it more as an acceptable hazard of the act than something I want to do on purpose. Which is why I do POV toilet slavery videos for my site, but its solely roleplaying, not actually showing anything.

I have a similar feeling on vomit. If you’re into deepthroating, you’re going to deal with vomit at some time or another. I’m a small person with a small mouth, so when Terry’s dick is all the way in I can sometimes get pretty close to throwing up. When its in the morning and I have nothing in my stomach, I actually like the feeling of dry-heaving with his dick in my mouth. I feel completely out of control and enjoy that. But I’ve actually puked on him a couple times, and in my own mouth even more – and my response is more ick than yay. Just like with shit, its a risk I’m willing to take but don’t try to make it happen.

I appreciate having a partner who isn’t offended by whatever my body does, because I don’t think you can have good sex and fear body functions. Sometimes they just come with the territory.

And here’s what fetish model Rain DeGrey has to say:

I DON’T have a puke fetish. Puke is nasty & messy & you have to stop everything to clean it up.

I have a CONTROL fetish. The concept of controlling someone so utterly that you literally control their bodily functions makes me hot. The thought of so completely owning the back of someone’s throat that you can make them vomit, whether they want to or no….well that works for me on so many levels it isn’t even funny. Forcing someone to vomit is like making them squirt from their throat. In my book.

Her desire to make someone vomit and the pleasure I get from dry-heaving is one in the same. We’d probably make great sex partners. She could dom the shit out of me. Or the puke. Whatever.

Posted: February 24th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

Reminds me of comedian Rob Delaney, who has a hilarious special on Netflix where he proudly declares that even after years together, “I still want to have sex with my wife!” To which he adds the caveat, “I also want to have sex with you, and you, and you…”

Posted: February 23rd, 2014 under Desire - No Comments. Tags: , ,

My Sexual Secrets: How I Discovered I Have “Sexual Anorexia”

When I said I was nervous about posting something the other day, this podcast is what I was referring to.

My work may often require nudity, but being honest feels even more naked.

Because secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone. Yeah. ME. And probably most people I’ve been in a relationship with. Sorry guys. & gals. It wasn’t you. It really WAS me.

Am I being vague enough?

I guess I should come out and say it, so at least you’ll know what the topic of this podcast is really about. I’ve recently discovered what was REALLY behind my motivation to research sexuality and work in the porn industry to explore this corner of the universe.

Sexual anorexia. Apparently, its a thing. You’ve heard of sex addiction – this is the flip side. The anorexic to the overeater. Denial, avoidance and overcontrol vs. out of control indulgence.

I’ve been reading this book and discussing it in therapy. It 100% describes my very confusing and painful sexual history. And while I’ve made a lot of progress since I even started this blog in 2011, sex can still be very difficult at times. What astounds me most is that I’ve been working in the field of sexuality in one form or another for almost 10 years now. And I’ve only just heard of this.

I thought I was crazy. I’ve never heard of anyone having the same sexual issues as me. If I read one more sex advice article for women that says to stimulate the clitoris during sex or buy a vibrator or communicate with my partner, I might punch someone in the face. Um. I’ve tried that. Thanks.

Though may put on an act of confidence, beneath it all I’ve still felt there was something wrong with me. Which seemed logical since 90% of what various “sex experts” have suggested hasn’t worked on me. If everyone else seems so happy, the problem must be me, right? Why after all this effort, is sex sometimes REALLY difficult for me? Why, when I want it most, does my body shut off and barely respond? Why is asking for what I want sometimes so terrifying its easier for me to pour myself into work that isn’t even necessary, just to avoid dealing with it?

Why have I felt like the cursed skeleton-pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, unable to enjoy my physical body?

“…the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust…” – Captain Barbossa

Only mine has not been a curse of greed. More a curse of denial, that I did all to myself.

So this is my story. Hope listening to it helps you in some way. If you’d like to share any part of your own sexual struggles, feel free to email me here. I promise I’ll respond.

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Posted: February 21st, 2014 under (Sex) Life, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Do Fantasies Help or Hurt?

I generally say its great for people to enjoy their fantasies so long as nobody gets hurt. Generally that’s pretty obvious. If anyone ends up in the hospital, its probably a no-go. But psychological hurt is harder to define. Especially when its our OWN psychologies. Can we hurt ourselves through our fantasies?

Sometimes.

Sometimes fantasies are just ways we play out the same old patterns that have caused us pain and disappointment throughout our entire lives. Kind of like a guy who’s been divorced 5 times. If it didn’t work in marriage 1-4, why would #5 be any different? Sure people change, but without making a conscious effort, chances are the problem was never really the wife. The problem is the guy picking the same woman over and over. His picker is off. Because in some way, that woman is familiar, comforting, and attractive to him. But seeking a new one won’t fix why he keeps choosing someone who’s not right for him.

When is indulging in our fantasies helpful, and when it it harmful? How can fantasies fuel personal growth, or how can they cripple us? Where’s the line?

That’s something only you can know. And sometimes you’ll bang your head against the wall 263 times before you realize – the wall fucking hurts! And you’ll pull your head away to notice that fluffy pillow on the couch is a much softer place to rest your noggin…

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Posted: February 20th, 2014 under Fantasy, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Sometimes Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder…

Sometimes its not easy to be so open about my sexuality. Sometimes its not easy to be dealing with my sexuality at all. Even in private.

Sometimes I get really nervous about things I want to say here, in writing or in the podcast. I’m afraid of being so vulnerable – so publicly – and afraid of being judged.

Sometimes I get emails from readers, listeners & fans of my adult work who comment on my confidence and ballsyness. Underneath that is fear. Yet I believe what I do is important, is necessary, is something I really really want to be doing. And much more you’ve yet to see.

Sometimes it takes a little while to find the courage. That’s where I’ve been. I mean, I’ve been busy shooting videos for our websites and working on other tasks. But how long does it really take to make a few posts of content I’ve already created? Not long. Its the emotional hurdle that’s far bigger than the work of writing a blog or recording a podcast.

Some things I’m not ready to say yet. Others you’ll see on this blog soon.

In the meantime, I’ve already posted this video previously but its so on point I had to share it again. Vulnerability. That’s what makes really good sex. And a really happy relationship. And if you’re anything like me, it can be a huge challenge. But also one that’s really worth undertaking…

Posted: February 19th, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments.

Is It Okay to Have Taboo Fantasies?

Today talking about a reader’s question about his taboo fantasies…

Is it normal to fantasize about younger girls? I would never actualy do any thing with someone under eighteen but I sometimes fantasize about being with a teen and I was wondering if this was normal.

It may not be socially acceptable, but its definitely not abnormal…

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Posted: February 7th, 2014 under Fantasy, Uncategorized - No Comments.

What Does a Fantasy Mean?

Sometimes two people look at the same fantasy in different ways…

One night we decided to play with my butt.

But(t) instead, things got awkward. We got part way into it, and stopped.

Later, we realized we were coming at the same act from two different places. He wanted to share a ‘dirty’ experience. I wanted to be submissive and ‘made’ to do it.

Sometimes we’re totally on the same page. Other times, it might look like we are – but we’re really not. The only way to know is to communicate, so hear more about my awkward night and what I learned about making sex good.

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Posted: January 29th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , ,