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Who’s Got Masturbation Shame?

I do I do!

Seriously, I’d think I woulda been over this shit by now. (I’ve written a bit about it before.)

But I’m notttttttt!

Or I wassssssn’t when I recorded this 6 weeks ago… (slow on the posting, to be sort of explained next podcast). The odd thing about shame is that talking about it kinda makes it go away some. So maybe listening to me talk about mine can help you give voice to yours…

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Posted: July 7th, 2014 under Masturbation, Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

What Triggers Your Shame?

So awhile ago I talked about shame. These were some of my most popular podcasts. And I was surprised. I wasn’t sure if talking about feeling like shit would be all that compelling. But apparently it is! If you can relate to my version of shittiness, that is. And I think most people can, in one form or another.

So I promised I’d talk about shame more about as I learn how to deal with it, let it go, overcome, or whatever happens such that its not the prevalent emotion in my life anymore.

Even Cats Feel Shame...

Even Cats Feel Shame...

And almost 6 months later, its largely not. Its not gone, but its not the #1 thing I feel when I wake up in the morning. That’s new and different. Almost uneasy, because while the shame felt terrible, it was familiar.

So here’s something I’ve realized – shame is an emotion. Emotions come and go. But feelings don’t just come from nowhere, something triggers them, whether or not we’re aware. (And most people are unaware, I was up until recently… and still sometimes.)

Which to me means identifying when the feeling of shame is triggered and what did I see/do/hear/say/remember that brought up that emotion.

And it turns out there are some sexual things that used to cause me a lot of shame. But that really don’t anymore.

At the same time, there are some sexual things that I still do feel ashamed of. Even when my logical brain says everything’s fine, and I wouldn’t judge anyone else for it.

So today I talk more about what I’ve noticed about shame, how it comes and goes, and what I’ve done to let it go.

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Posted: June 3rd, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Remember This When You Feel Pain, Shame, or Fear…

Whether you’re scared your partner won’t accept your fantasies, worried about how your body looks, feel deep shame from a religious upbringing, or any million other things that could be a “problem” in your sex life – remember these words…

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know…nothing ever really attacks us except our own confusion. Perhaps there is no solid obstacle except our own need to protect ourselves from being touched. Maybe the only enemy is that we don’t like the way reality is now and therefore wish it would go away fast. But what we find as practitioners is that nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know. If we run a hundred miles an hour to the other end of the continent in order to get away from the obstacle, we find the very same problem waiting for us when we arrive. It just keeps returning with new names, forms, manifestations until we learn whatever it has to teach us about where we are separating ourselves from reality, how we are pulling back instead of opening up, closing down instead of allowing ourselves to experience fully whatever we encounter, without hesitating or retreating into ourselves. ”

— Pema Chödrön

Posted: June 1st, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments. Tags:

Treat People Like Bunnies!

via Tumblr:

you know what upsets me

bunnies have tons of sex

like supposedly always humping right

but does that affect how we look at bunnies?


do we still think bunnies are cute af?


do we want bunnies any less because of their sex habits?


treat people like bunnies ok

this has been a psa

Posted: May 25th, 2014 under Morals - No Comments. Tags:

Dating & Sex for Dudes: Interview With Angel Donovan

I was super excited to talk with Angel Donovan after listening to his podcast, Dating Skills Podcast, for the last 9 months or so. I love love LOVE his show for a few reasons – (a) He and his guests really know a lot about sex, dating & relationships from a (straight) guy’s perspective. They really help demystify women and how to have a happy life with them… Which brings me to (b) he’s helped me learn how to relate better to our models when I’m behind the camera, to create a more fun environment for them, and to allow them to let go and be dirty with us even more. And (c) its helped me understand elements of MY sexuality even more than I sometimes hear from other female sex & relationship “experts.”

Tune in to our chat and check out his site, Dating Skills Review, to learn even more about having fun & happy & fuck-filled relationships. With chicks.

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Posted: May 21st, 2014 under Dating & Hooking Up, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Butts: Clean or Dirty?

Question via Tumblr: Do you lady’s clean your ass holes first? I became disappointed to find out most pornography in the “ass cleaning” business actually clean the ass before having it “cleaned” how do you and the people you work with do it? Ps. I prefer a kinda dirty b-hole ;)

Imagine having near strangers all up in your genitals and a high definition camera zoomed in so close your pores are visible, knowing thousands if not millions may see it. Seriously, imagine that for a minute. That’s why (most) porn stars are a bit obsessive about cleanliness in that area. They’re generally trying to avoid embarrassment, being seen/experienced as smelling/tasting bad and (with anal) dealing with a mess. It can be awkward, and I’ve heard of (some) guys in boy-girl anal scenes getting all grossed out and judge-y. That doesn’t make a girl feel sexy and then makes the scene less hot. Plus to be freshly shaved and have nice looking hair, that usually requires a shower first, even for those of us who aren’t so concerned.

I personally prefer a person’s natural smells and tastes. As if they went to work all day and came home and that’s just how they are. Or (if I’m REALLY attracted to them) if they went to the gym and skipped a shower after.

For our sites like, we let the girls do whatever they want. They’re the ones with their mouths all up in there. Some do nothing, others baby wipe their buttholes. Occasionally a girl is so worried she even does an enema just to have her ass licked. That’s rare, but it has happened.

For my site, I usually tell the girls that I’d rather they didn’t clean so much but to do whatever makes them comfortable. When I say that, some girls are like, “Oh, okay cool” and others still prefer to baby wipe. If they DO baby wipe, I have them at least rinse it off with water after because I’d rather taste nothing than the flavor of cleaning chemicals. As a courtesy, if a girl wipes her ass I’ll usually do mine too, just to make her comfortable. Its more important to me that a girl feel comfortable “letting go” and being (socially) dirty than the physicality of it, because you can’t see a taste or smell. But you CAN see if she’s worried or grossed out and it makes for a less sexy scene.

When I’m shooting with Terry, I do nothing at all. I am how I am. But that’s how we both prefer it anyway. When we shot his anal DVD, we told them not to do enemas unless it was a REALLY big deal to them. One of of four did. A couple were a bit anxious about it, but we said if it became an issue we’d stop and clean up and it wasn’t a big deal to us. And that made them feel better.

Moral of the story is, if you want a girl to be dirtier (whether physically or socially – doing things seen as “dirty”), she’s gotta feel like she’s not going to be looked at differently because of it.

But just like some people have super clean houses (I’m NOT one of those), some of them are just going to prefer being clean.

Posted: May 19th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: , ,

So Your Partner Isn’t Initiating Sex Enough?

via Conner Habib:

Friends, No one wants to feel unwanted. When you’re the one that’s always initiating sex in your relationship, it can feel like there’s a big imbalance, and that can cause big problems. Even if the sex itself is good, if you’re the one always pulling your partner into bed, or onto the kitchen floor, or into the Starbucks bathroom, or whatever, the fact that you’re starting it can create resentment. You find yourself wondering, Why am I always the one asking for sex? What’s this feeling all about, and what’s the best way to handle it? Here are four ways to deal…

Read more here!

(PS – I don’t normally link to the Millionaire Matchmaker’s website, since I disagreed with at least half of what she said on her TV show – yet still found it annoyingly entertaining – BUT Conner is a cool dude. Or so I’ve decided based on some of his other writing…)

Posted: May 16th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments.

Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 2

If you didn’t catch Part 1, here it is! Today talking more about one of my favorite topics… dirty girls…

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Posted: May 13th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 1

I like to talk about helping people (especially women) open up to dirtier, kinkier, sweatier, crazier (funner) sex. And you, readers & fans, like to ask. So that works out.

For the last few months, I’ve taken over as director of our company’s,, and

Which basically means I’m in charge of running the circus. Seriously, its like herding cats sometimes.

Which has taught me some interesting and important lessons about women. See, even though porn stars come to set knowing the type of content they’re shooting, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’ll be a good scene. Its everything that happens BEHIND the camera that makes her feel comfortable enough to open up, especially when she’s trying something totally new like farting in front of a camera and a room full of people! Even the most open minded chicks can be a little embarrassed at first…

So here’s what I do behind the scenes – your personal sex life is probably a little different, but the psychology is much the same.

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Posted: May 5th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Can You Just Decide To STOP Your Fetish?

Question via Tumblr: I’m over fetish porn, it is not going to be my main obsession in sex anymore. I’m done with thinking about all these nasty depraved acts. Goodbye Kelsey and all other fetish porn, it is not good for me. Have a great day.

And how are you going to accomplish that?

What are you going to think about instead? Are you able to simply turn your brain, your body and your emotions off?

If you are, you’re some fancy kind of robot.

Have you ever heard of a gay person simply deciding to straight? Or vice versa?

Are you able to simply stop liking your favorite foods? And begin despising your favorite music?

And the other way around – have you ever tried to enjoy something you simply don’t? To have feelings for someone you don’t care for? To like a TV show, movie, or song you’re at best indifferent to, at worst despise?

If it was easy enough to just stop thinking thoughts connected to actions we dislike (i.e., self-judge) – wouldn’t we all be healthier, happier, and richer? Or – what I sense is really underlying your goodbye note – more NORMAL?

I’ve heard this before, and I can tell you from first hand experience – you cannot just decide with your mind to stop desiring that which you want so much you orgasm over it. However, dealing with the shame felt about the desires can sometimes indirectly change them, or open up space for new and different desires. But that means a person must learn to allow their current desires to be, to accept them as they are. Otherwise one will yo-yo back and forth between denying themselves what they crave most, and shame-filled binges. Going through that though is sometimes part of the journey to acceptance.

So I wish you luck, while I fully expect you’ll be back. Come say hi, I’ll probably still be here.

Posted: April 30th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments.

When Do Women Orgasm During a Hookup?

What I find most interesting, is that (on average) women are more likely to orgasm during a hookup when (a) they touch their clitoris (duh), (b) she receives oral sex (duh), AND (c) they have ANAL sex (!).

Posted: April 19th, 2014 under Orgasm - No Comments. Tags: ,

An Embarrassing Story: Why You Should Only Use Toys Made For Your Butt, In Your Butt

People like to put all kinds of things in their orifices…

And sex educators always like to say its smartest & safest to use toys with a flared base in the butt so they don’t get lost. Kinda like this:

But I think we’ve all heard of situations that ended up more like this:

Fortunately those x-rays are not of MY butt. BUTT I did come close… listen to the hilariously embarrassing story for the details!

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Posted: April 17th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: , ,

What Porn Doesn’t Show You

A cute poem:

her hair is in my eyes and my legs are cramping but she is so beautiful
on top of me
and she accidentally falls off and laughs and her laugh is so sweet
i laugh too

and we make a joke about how ridiculous porn is;
all those videos we watched to figure out how to do this,
the moves not taught in sex ed
and we whisper between kisses “yes,
yes, yes -
wait no no no,
don’t do that.”

i accidentally bump my elbow in her face
and our vibrator falls onto the ground
and she makes a comment about how hard this is
so we lay there for a while thinking about whatever

until i kiss her again
and she pulls me into her.

Posted: April 15th, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars - No Comments.

Sexual Honesty – Are You Telling The Truth About Your Sexuality?

I’ve been reading this book called Radical Honesty by Dr. Brad Blanton.

I think most of us agree that honesty is important to a relationship. But actually BEING honest can be hard. Especially about sex.

Have you told your partner (or past partners);

  • Your complete sexual history?
  • What REALLY turns you on?
  • How exactly you masturbate?
  • Whether you’ve cheated on them? Been attracted to anyone else since you’ve been with them?

The list could really go on and on, and most of us would say no to at least one…

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Posted: April 13th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , ,

You’ve Got a Kink!

Posted: April 11th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

“I wish more girls were open and free…”

Question via Tumblr: Was more of a comment. Very impressed with your tutorial online about relationships and sex. I tweeted you last night. I wish more girls were open and free. So hard to find. I am in an industry where you would think it would be everywhere. Not so much now.

Thanks :)

Let me pose a question to you – if YOU wish girls were more ‘open and free’ – are YOU open and free? The vibe you put out tends to attract people of a similar mindset. If you are and you’re not getting anything in return, maybe you’re not looking in the right place. Or looking too hard. In my experience, the best relationships come when you’re just being yourself, doing your thing and not trying to force anything. Or perhaps on some level you’re not aware, you’re getting anxious or in your head and putting potential partners off. Maybe you’re being more closed off than you realize so you’re only attracting women who feel that way too. Observe yourself and watch how you behave and communicate around women you might be interested in, and you will probably notice how you’re fucking it up for yourself.

The most important thing I’ve learned in love & sex (which applies to virtually all areas of life) is that I am my own biggest impediment to getting what I want. And you are probably yours.

Posted: April 9th, 2014 under Dating & Hooking Up - No Comments.

The Spiritual Side of Kink, Threesomes & Cuckolding

Today on the podcast listen in to an interesting conversation I had with a listener named Gary. Cuckolding, if you haven’t heard my previous podcasts, is most basically when the female part of a heterosexual relationship openly fucks other dudes. Which sounds like a lot of guys’ worst nightmare…

But to some people its an authentic expression of their desires. And just like other forms of open relationships, its something that can bring a couple closer, instead of tearing them apart…

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Posted: April 7th, 2014 under Open Relationships - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Why (Most) Sex Advice is Bullshit

From ages 14-16, I spent a lot of time on AOL. I didn’t even know what a website was! And sometimes had to spend HOURS waiting for the TELEPHONE MODEM to connect. Fucking busy signal. Anyway that has nothing to do with this blog, except that one night I wandered my way into an advice chatroom. Nobody was looking for advice. But everybody WAS ready to GIVE advice!

One might think with all the advice in the world, we’d all be doing great. Buttttttt no. I can’t tell you how much sex advice I’ve tried to take over the years only for it to fail.

Its like, someone can give you a stock tip and you could make some money. (Maybe.) But if you don’t understand how the stock market really works, or have a shitty relationship with money and blow every dime you’ve got – is that stock tip REALLY what you’re looking for? Probably not.

Its the same with sex…

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Posted: April 5th, 2014 under Sex Podcast, Sex Tips, Uncategorized - No Comments.

50 Shades of Spanking… Okay, Really Just 4

Some people get turned on by spanking.

A spank is a spank is a spank. Hand on cheek. Right?

WRONG! Do not pass go, do not collect $200… (As my dad would say.)

Well, maybe for some people a spank IS a spank. But for a lot of people, its not just hand-smacking-buttcheek that’s important. Its the context.

Where, when, why & how do you want the spanking? That answer is probably a bit different for everyone, but here are a few ideas I happened across via Tumblr:

Posted: April 3rd, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

Why Do Guys Share Their Fantasies Online?

Question via Tumblr: Why do you think that many guys write out their fantasies and post them online? I don`t understand the logic or motivation behind it.

I’m curious about in what setting you’re talking about – where are you seeing guys post their fantasies?

But wherever it is, I think most people have a deep desire to share the sexual part of themselves. A lot of people (regardless of gender) are too scared to be that real with their partners if they have one. Or they’ve tried unsuccessfully and don’t want to face judgment or rejection again. So the internet provides an anonymous outlet and in certain places like fetish forums – others who understand and validate their fantasies.

I think its great when people find a place to express themselves. I also think its much more satisfying when we can do it in person, with a real human being who cares about our wants and needs. But that’s not an option for everyone (or perhaps not yet) so the internet fulfills that in part.

Posted: March 31st, 2014 under Fantasy - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

If you don’t want to, say No: a porn star’s guide to sexual consent

Porn is entertainment, not a documentary.

Which means, sure, you can learn about sex from porn.

But that will only take you so far.

Because (much to my dismay) there isn’t much conversating in porn. In every shoot I’ve done, there’s been a BUTTLOAD of communication before the scene. But nearly as much on camera.

Yet its hard to have good sex without good communication. It doesn’t mean you need to sign a contract before you get naked every time, outlining every square inch of one another’s bodies and where its okay to touch. And sometimes, we change our minds mid-act anyway. Sex is fun like that.

So here’s some communication advice from porn star Stoya (oh, & isn’t she pretty?):

1. Ask the people you will be having sex with what their preferences and limits are. This fosters active consent and encourages communication.

2. In order for a sexual partner to be able to give you what you want, you have to tell them what your desires are. A sexual partner can’t respect your limits if you don’t express them.

3. It is completely OK to retract your consent during a sex act. You can say that something is more intense than you thought it would be and you are no longer OK with it. If you do not speak up your partner(s) have no guaranteed way of knowing that you are unhappy or uncomfortable.

4. If a sexual partner says something hurts, uses a “safe word” or other signal to communicate that they want the sexual interaction to stop, or just looks unhappy, freaked out, or generally not OK, you need to stop what you’re doing and check in with them.

5. If your partner(s) are drunk or high, their ability to consent is questionable. If they’ve previously expressed distaste for anal sex and are slurring “Fuck my asshole” you should politely decline and bring the subject up later when they’re sober. This applies to any sexual act that you have not previously engaged in with this person.

(My $0.02 lots of sex educators say this, but the reality is a lot of people abandon sobriety so they can experiment. I have. Successfully. But if they’re fucked up to the point of slurring their words or are generally out of it, they’re not really there to consent. In which case, take Stoya’s advice.)

6. As a general rule, don’t penetrate an orifice, pee, vomit, or bleed on someone, or slap them around without discussing the act first.

7. If your sexual partner(s) express a limit or ask for something to stop and you do not respect it, you are stepping onto a scale that ranges from “jerk” to “full-on rapist”. Personally, I don’t want to be on that scale at all, and I don’t want to engage in sexual activity with anyone who does hang out on that scale.

8. If one of your sexual partners steps on to the jerk-to-full-on rapist scale, call them out on it. You have the right to end the sexual activity you are engaged in and to decline sexual activity with them in the future.

So… go do those things. Okay?

Posted: March 27th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

How Does Religion Affect Our Sexuality?

Today on the podcast I talk with Dr. Darrel Ray, author of this interesting book:

And here’s his beautiful face:

Dr. Ray grew up in a religious family, which didn’t bode well for his understanding of sexuality. Watching his mother slap his baby brother’s hand away from his penis definitely tells a kid that touching yourself is bad. (But its not!) Now as an organizational psychologist, he became very interested in the relationship between religiosity and shame.

He did a massive survey and found some really interesting things, like:

  • Religious and non-religious people have similar rates of sexual activity – masturbation, porn-watching, oral sex, fetishes, etc.
  • But the big difference is, religious people feel WAAAAY more shame about it.
  • And when people left their religions, a lot of that shame went away within a couple years and they were able to enjoy their sexuality much more.
  • Yet most of us continue to carry around ideas about sex that come from organized religion, whether or not we’re religious, many of which still get in the way of our pleasure. Like Dr. Ray’s friend who was taught that oral sex is a sin. He’s an atheist today, but still can’t bring himself to go down on his wife. (Sad for her… AND him. Eating pussy is awesome!)

We talked about a TON more interesting shit – so have a listen, and if you want to reach Dr. Ray, you can do through his organization, Recovering From Religion.

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Posted: March 24th, 2014 under Books, Religion and Sexuality, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , , , ,

So You Want to Have A FFM (2 Chicks & A Dude) Threesome?

If you’ve ever fantasized about a threesome, realize that orchestrating a successful one takes a LOT of skill. And honestly, a vast majority of those interested don’t got the skills. (At least, not yet. Maybe with practice. Maybe.)

Alpha Harlot has had a TON of threesomes with straight couples. Most of them unsuccessful. Here’s why…

I get asked to fuck couples all the time. I don’t do threesomes anymore because I hate them. There’s always an odd man out and jealousy and nonsense that I honestly do not have the time to deal with. Even the hot tub orgy that I had last year for my birthday turned out rotten afterwards because of lack of communication before, during and after…even though I stressed to all parties involved that it was necessary.

Online dating is all about conversation skills. Much like bar dating, or supermarket dating or any other kind of dating.

Everything depends on the approach, what comes out of your mouth (or onto the keyboard, as the case may be) and then the follow through.

Women are looking for very different experiences than men are as well…so when you approach a woman, regardless of the context, you’ve got to treat her like she’s a human being that you’re interested in, not just an extra vagina for sexual activities.

Take our conversation for example…

You approached me with the subject line, “Meeting up with a couple”.

Before I even clicked on the message and responded (and I respond to every message that I get on Xtube, because that’s my bag and has been for the last 5 years. Everyone deserves a response IMO), I knew that I wasn’t interested in meeting you because you approached me with all your cards on the table.
I’m XYZ, I want to bang…I’ve got a girl, she also wants to bang. We don’t much care what you look like, or who you are…we’ve just been Jonesing for a sexual adventure and you seem like the type of girl who would be fun in the sack.”

What you want is another woman in your bedroom.

What I want (and most women, to tell you the truth) is conversation…because vagina is a hot commodity and dicks are a dime a dozen. If you want in my (or any other woman’s) pants, you’ve got to CONVINCE me that, not only are YOU worth my time and effort, but your woman is too. This is not accomplished by asking me to fuck you right from jump.

If you’re looking for a slab of meat, you’ll have better luck in the supermarket.

That year that I spent just doing threesomes? I wasn’t particular at all. I’d just responded to Craig’s list ads for couples that were looking and, every single one of them (but two actually, I got turned down by two after face to face encounters) was down to fuck.

If they weren’t my type, I did it anyway. If I wasn’t their type, they’d try to bang me anyway. Some of the time it was nearly comical because they were OBVIOUSLY not into fat chicks, but they wanted two naked girls in the same room so badly that they didn’t care.

Standards out the window…

“At least I got to do my FFM!!!”

It was an extremely silly situation.

MOST of the couples that I ended up fucking wouldn’t have given me the time of day if they had seen me out and about…but because I was a slutty, willing hole, they were into it.

They just wanted the notch on their bedpost. We had nothing at all in common, there was no chemistry…it was just fucking for the sake of fucking and I probably only came ten times in the 300 or threesomes that I had that year.

Not satisfying at all.

Posted: March 23rd, 2014 under (Non) Monogamy - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Don’t Join A Porn Site to Get Laid.

Here’s an actual email I got today:

Reason I wanted to be part of your site was that I wanted to act out a fantasy of mine of being a fart slave. Also wanted to role play out anal play with farting. I questioned you about doing this and you replied you only do that with your boyfriend. You did say you would recommend to another company [i.e., we hire guys for if they're local to So Cal] that does this work but since I am not local probably couldnt be arranged.

I wish I could get this arranged somewhere on east coast. Dropped membership because don’t feel you couldn’t help me out. Will say sight was pretty good just didn’t see how I couldn’t get fantasy set up and fulfilled.

My response:

Thanks for the email, sorry you didn’t get what you’re looking for but we just make porn. Arranging meet ups isn’t part of the membership for anyone who joins. Just like any other porn site. You can find some advice for finding compatible partners on Best of luck with your search.

Guys, if you ever contact a sex worker (porn star, cam girl, pro-domme, etc.) and she gives you attitude (some are REALLY bad about this, others are perfectly friendly) – its because we constantly deal with “fans”* who seem to feel entitled to receive more than what we offer. Sometimes its flabbergasting. And as much as I love my work, its one of the things about doing sex work that gets really old. I haven’t met a sex worker who didn’t agree.

*I use the word fans in quotes because the truest fans – in my experience – are super nice, respectful, and really appreciative of the work I do. They’re usually pretty cool guys.

Posted: March 22nd, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars - No Comments.

What IS sexually empowering?

Empowerment is a fuzzy term. I hate when articles reference dictionaries to orient their position, but I really had to look up the definition because the word is debated. What IS empowering? What ISN’T?

So according to Merriam-Webster, empowerment is:

1: to give official authority or legal power to
2: to enable definition 1
3: to promote the self-actualization or influence of

I think #3 is primarily what most people mean when they talk about empowerment. Notice it does not define what actions are empowering. In fact, to “promote… self-actualization” would imply that what IS empowering varies by individual (by each “self”). What leads me to self-actualization and what leads you to your own is probably different. Particularly if my journey includes things people often feel are inherently DISempowering, like sex work, engaging in fetishistic sex, and having multiple casual sex partners.

For some people, empowerment is getting a traditional education and landing a decent-paying job with opportunities for advancement. For others, empowerment is LEAVING that very same job to take care of one’s children, to start a business, or travel the world.

Who’s right? Is the job empowering? Or is quitting?

They’re BOTH right.

So what is sexually empowering? You tell me. Leaving behind a “normal” life and joining the porn industry has been “empowering” for me. Its taught me an awful lot about myself, about men and women, about communication, about my body, about my desires, about my boundaries. (Not to mention how to run a business and be self-reliant.) For others, like Jennie Karchner, quitting the porn industry to pursue a Master’s degree is empowering.

What pisses me off is when people turn this vague concept of empowerment into a hard definition – that certain behaviors must inherently be empowering, and others must not be. Which seems hypocritical and exactly the reason empowerment is a concept to begin with. Nobody can tell you what the right thing is to do with your life, nobody can tell me what’s right for mine. (And maybe the right thing is sometimes to do the wrong thing, because sometimes we learn big lessons about life that way.) So to draw lines around empowerment negates the whole definition.

And why does it fucking matter anyway? The amount of energy we expend judging others’ actions says more about our own problems than it does theirs.

Posted: March 19th, 2014 under Porn and Porn Stars, Uncategorized - No Comments.

What do (Ex)Mormons and Porn Stars Have in Common?

And what do you have in common with both of us?

In today’s podcast I discuss about the book Secret Ceremonies: A Mormon Woman’s Intimate Diary of Marriage and Beyond by Deborah Laake.

I was surprised that I could relate so deeply to her struggles, her journey from married religious Mormon to single excommunicated journalist. From doing EVERYTHING she was SUPPOSED to do, to living life on her own terms. Well when I put it that way, it makes perfect sense.

I think anyone who really wants to explore their sexuality could relate in some way – we don’t get a lot of education or support for delving too deeply into that part of our selves and our relationships. If you want ANYTHING that’s out of the norm (and one could argue that having a fulfilling relationship IS out of the norm considering how many people get divorced, and how many who don’t are miserable…) – you’re going to have to learn the difference between YOUR voice and the voices of other people you carry around in your head. That’s not easy.

But the end result (so I’ve seen so far anyway) is a lot more fun. Some things are worth the struggle. Perhaps reading about Deborah’s experience can help you in some way, like it has me.

Plus, its pretty interesting shit.

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Posted: March 17th, 2014 under Religion and Sexuality - No Comments. Tags: ,

Better Butt Licking

Question via Tumblr: Do u have any advice on how I can improve my ass licking on my girlfriend? I love her ass and worship it everyday. Face sitting is the best. Her ass tastes so good but I want to know if their r some techniques I could use to get her have more pleasure? It’s all about her.

Ask her. Everyone’s different. Some people like more liking on the outside, some more deeper inside. Let her masturbate while you do it if she likes. Have her watch her favorite porn while you do it, if she enjoys that. Or read aloud dirty stories. It really depends on her – ask her what makes her feel good and be creative with ways of combining with your pleasures.

Posted: March 14th, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: ,

We Don’t Ask for Our Desires…

… so we may as well get friendly with them.

Even if they’re weird, humiliating, or violent (so long as nobody REALLY gets hurt).

Here’s what self-defined feminist, Emily, has to say about her fantasies (many of which overlap my own interests):

I consider myself to err on the side of sexual submission. I have never been into the performative aspects of it all — I am not some weird sex LARPer who wants to wear costumes and address each other as “Master” and “Slave.” I don’t want to go to special events, I shouldn’t have to wear pleather just to get it done, and I don’t want to “play.” I want to have weird sex with weird people who like weird things, like an adult.

Some of those weird things that I like include: rough breast play including slapping, clothespins and ropes; name-calling of the slut-bitch-whore variety; forced deepthroating; facials; “Daddy” talk; rape play; spanking; dirty talk; hair-pulling; group sex; anal; and basically anything else filthy/nasty/taboo/found in your average pornographic video. Also, and here’s the stuff that’s more for special occasions and that I don’t want to admit on a site for ladies: being slapped, being spit on, being choked, being urinated on.

I don’t begrudge anyone their role as captain of their own sexual steamship. Desire is complicated and tricky to regulate — I don’t think I could stop being turned on by being treated “badly” any easier than a gay man could suddenly start being attracted to women. I might prefer that my big controversial sex preferences involved whipped cream or whatever instead of wanting to be slapped in the face during intercourse, but that is not the hand I was dealt.

We all, male and female, live in a world where a wider range of sexual activity is visible and accessible to us. As long as we keep consent, respect and common courtesy top of mind, that fact in itself doesn’t have to hurt anybody.

Sometimes I hear women say that by engaging in “politically incorrect” sex, we are sending a message to men that all women want to be treated in such a manner. But consensual sexual activity, even if it resembles some nonconsual sexual activity, isn’t rape any more than movie murder is real murder. And while some people certainly think we should eliminate movie violence lest it drive the easily influenced to commit violent acts, we’re not talking about movies here. We’re talking about people. And you can’t eliminate people or ask them to eliminate parts of themselves, no matter how messy or unappealing their desires may seem to you.

Since we can’t erase reality, we better start dealing in nuance.

Getting slapped and called a slut because it turns me on and I’ve asked for it is not abuse. The men who want to do that are not abusers; in fact a lot of them are some of the nicest and most respectful men I’ve met outside of the bedroom. Rape play and rape are never going to be the same thing. And pretending that the two are similar is actually way more confusing and dangerous than clearly differentiating them.

If our men truly can’t tell the difference between hurting, abusing and degrading a woman, and participating in consensual play utilizing some of these elements, then the problem lies with them and sexual education in our society, not with those temptingly rape-able women who enjoy rough play.

If you are still confused, consider this: After we’re done, when I’m spent from being used, being told I’m a filthy whore as you hold me down or toss me around or hit me if those are the boundaries we’ve agreed upon, when I’m covered in saliva and sweat and bodily fluids, look at my face. I will be smiling.

That’s the difference.

Posted: March 12th, 2014 under Fantasy - No Comments. Tags: , , , , , ,

Belle Knox & Why I’m Not a Feminist

If you haven’t heard, there’s a freshman at Duke University who’s in porn.

Why this is breaking news, I have no idea, because there are porn stars, webcam models, strippers, escorts and prostitutes (i.e., SEX WORKERS) all over the country who are also in college. OMG YOU MEEN A GIRL WHO GETS NEKKID FOR MONEY IZ ABEL TO REED N WRIGHT TO?

The fact that its become this national controversy says a lot about our hypocritical cultural views on sexuality. Such as the fact that she’s getting all kinds of shit lobbed at her and her family, yet nobody’s complaining about the consumers who are watching her videos. (Not that they’re doing anything wrong either.)

You want to see me naked. And then you want to judge me for letting you see me naked.

Though now the guy who supposedly outed her is getting his share of shit too. Which I don’t think is cool either (an eye for an eye doesn’t usually end up well).

The most ludicrous thing about this “scandal” is, in my opinion, how people (mainly women) are questioning her identification as a feminist. Because obviously someone who chooses to get naked for money couldn’t possibly be one. Nevermind a big part of feminism is (supposedly) listening to women’s voices. Apparently we silly sex workers couldn’t possibly have our own stories of importance to speak of.

I used to consider myself a feminist. A big one. I seriously considered getting the word tattooed on my body. But while I share a lot of beliefs with people who call themselves feminists, I’d rather not waste my energy arguing about the meaning of a word.

Its kinda like this, which fetish model Samantha Grace posted on her Tumblr the other day:

I think Belle Knox is pretty damn strong for going through something so crazy at just 18 years old. I wish her the best in her education and work.

Posted: March 10th, 2014 under Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

Let’s Talk

I’ve gotten a lot of emails & social media messages over the years from fans asking if we could talk about sexuality, fetishes, relationships, etc. Like, as friends.

I always said I didn’t have the time (which was true). But if you’ve ever wanted to talk to me, now’s your chance… I’m thinking about doing recorded Skype chats (audio) that will be broadcast on the podcast. So if you have a fetish you’d like to discuss, tell me about your best sexual experiences, share your own personal struggles with sex, or divulge your favorite sex techniques – let’s talk.

(For the record, this is for TALKING. Not a webcam sex show, roleplaying, nudity, etc. Just talk.)

Send me an email with a brief paragraph describing yourself – your age, relationship status/situation, and what you’d like to talk about. Remember this will be recorded (audio only) so only share what you feel comfortable, but you can use a pseudonym if you like.

Also I’m considering bringing back periodic interviews – if there’s anyone specific you’d like to hear, or any particular topics you want some help with – email me and I’ll see what I can do.

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Posted: March 8th, 2014 under Sex Podcast - No Comments.

Help! My Girlfriend Wants to Do Porn and I’m Jealous

Question via Tumblr: how can i deal with jealousy ? my girlfriend wants to do porn

The best way to address jealousy is to identify what exactly your fears are and talk about them. Before Terry & I filmed his anal scenes where he fucked other girls in the ass, we talked about it. A lot. I was fully behind the idea but still had some feelings of jealousy to address.

Jealousy is mostly insecurity that your partner will want someone more than they want you. Which IS always a risk if you’re opening up your relationship in some way. It goes away the more you learn to trust your partner and value yourself. The way I look at it, he might have fun with other chicks now and then, but is casual sex really going to trump the love & connection we share? No way. Is some chick going to have a better butt to fuck than me? He’s very happy with what he has at home, so even if he has the time of his life in the moment, at the end of the day its always just us.

But that also doesn’t mean you need to be okay with a more open relationship. Its definitely not for everyone. In my opinion, if your girlfriend is interested in doing porn or any kind of sex work, that’s bringing additional people into your sex life. Its something you both need to enjoy, otherwise the relationship won’t last very long. If she’s unwilling to talk about your feelings or doesn’t care – there’s something far more wrong with the relationship than her wanting to do porn. In which case, porn WILL break you up. But if you don’t address what’s going on more deeply, you’ll probably break up regardless.

Posted: March 6th, 2014 under Open Relationships - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Sometimes The Best Sex is No Sex

For all the talk about sex on this blog, its important to say – its not everything. Sometimes we have other priorities, or desires. Or lack of desire. Not wanting sex doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is broken or doomed. Human beings are not consistent like machines. And neither is your sex drive. Sometimes you or your partner may just need a break.

Just like this couple…

I’ll be married 12 years this June. We met in our naïve 20s. My husband, all goofy granola charm, hung over my cubicle my first day at my first job. I remember he was wearing Birkenstocks with socks; he swears he never wore sandals to the office. He invited me over to watch a basketball game and get to know our co-workers. When I arrived, my East Coast sensibilities primed for an evening salon of conversation and schmoozing, I discovered I was the only one there.

Those first months were hot, and not just because we were living in the unforgiving heat of California’s desert. Every night and weekend was free, for dinners out, dancing, roaming the sidewalks aimlessly, sipping cheap margaritas, making out on public benches, falling into bed, slick with sweat.

Even as we sailed forth, like moths drawn inexplicably toward an ancient, hypnotic flame — wedding, mortgage, procreation — we never grew bored with each other. Sure, we bickered over why he absolutely wouldn’t be allowed to keep that ugly bachelor armchair with the fraying fabric, and we power-struggled over the usual flashpoints — money, outside family commitments, careers. But we always returned to the comfort of each other’s embrace, and the pleasure that sex delivered.

And then came our first baby. She rocked us, and not in the I-scored-tickets-to-that-freaking-killer-band-on-Friday-night way. Pregnancy was a shock to my system — the ballooning of my body from size 8 to size whale; the constant paranoia that something, probably something I would stupidly do, would mess it all up and harm our innocent child.

Here’s the confession the social scientists, shrinks and unburdened, childless observers of the zeitgeist are waiting for: We didn’t have sex for a year.

You read that right. A year. That is not an easy thing to admit, when our culture so tightly links sexual vibrancy and exploits with youth, happiness and worth. There is no room, especially for women, to talk honestly about the ebb and flow of sex; no room for seasons of frantic lust separated by windows of quiet and pause. If you don’t have sex for a year — a year! — your marriage must be failing. Both wife and husband must be deeply unhappy, the union not long for this world. Might as well dial up the divorce lawyers or sex therapists right now. If you don’t have sex for a year, the woman must be a certain kind of evil, frigid monster and the guy must be one foot out the door.

Except we were not unhappy. My pregnancy was rough. Post-pregnancy was rougher… trouble healing physically (because, um, not all of us are Michelle Duggar) and a demise of the state formerly known as sleep. To say nothing of the mental and emotional bruising, inflicted not only by a new, baby-dictated schedule but from the very morphing of our former identities and relationship into something new and nearly unrecognizable.

Yet we still had the things that had started it all: Our yin-yang connection, our shared values, our memories of freedom-fueled fun and years of physical intimacy. And our new level of trust: We had done something that lashed us together more tightly than any expression or experience of sexual desire ever would. We had created life out of our love for each other.

Nothing is like that trust that grows when you watch the person you love blossom with new life. When you see the man you picked out when he was a free-wheeling 28-year-old with one pair of shoes and a recipe repertoire that consisted of a single dish (pineapple-broccoli burritos) mature into a steely-strong partner you can, and will, lean on.

It’s one thing to trust a guy enough to let him buy you a cheap margarita. It’s another thing to trust a person so deeply that when you are finally having great, relieving sex again with the rare condom (in a half-assed and ultimately failed attempt to stave off the next child) and the condom slips off and gets terrifyingly lost up there, you let him own the situation. And he rescues you, extracting that errant latex with the calm reassurance of a cattle farmer extracting his 200th calf.

That’s the bad-assedness of married sex, folks.

Posted: March 4th, 2014 under Relationship Advice, Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

When Fetish Crosses the Line

Comment via Tumblr: I saw the saddest fetish video the other day. This woman used her heels to step on and kill a rabbit and she kept smashing it until it was a pile of mush. I’m normally understanding of fetishes but this made me really sad and angry. I don’t understand how anyone could enjoy watching animals get tortured and how anyone could do that. (I didn’t actually watch the video, I just moused over it and saw the different preview thumbnails.)

People enjoy theft, rape and murder too.

I wholeheartedly believe that there is no wrong desire. A person can be aroused by anything and everything. You’re free to imagine whatever you like in your head. But there is a gap between desire and action. If pursuing your desire causes physical, mental or emotional harm to others or their property – you are violating others, subjecting them to YOUR wants and needs above their own. Its like the basic idea of freedom – you do what you want, I do what I want, but when what you do infringes on my freedom to do what I want to do – that’s not freedom anymore.

Now ‘harm’ is somewhat of a grey area. Some things look harmful from the outside, like certain BDSM practices. Extreme pain, CBT, choking, gagging to the point of vomiting – it depends on the individual whether these are harmful to begin with, though there is a point of no return that anyone has to be careful about. Mental and emotional harm is also quite subjective. For instance, I’ve enacted a completely consensual rape fantasy with Terry once, which I found both physically and emotionally enjoyable. But to someone else, the same situation could trigger deep emotional pain they weren’t ready to deal with. Sometimes we don’t know how far is too far until we cross it.

But crushing live animals (even bugs, in my opinion) definitely crosses that line. If someone is turned on by scenarios like this, it doesn’t make them a bad person. But if simply thinking about it, reading erotic stories, watching cartoon versions or some other benign way of expressing that desire are not enough – then its time for professional help.

Posted: March 2nd, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Faking It Is Lying And My Pants Are On Fire

I always thought faking orgasms was stupid. Why would I want to train my partner to have bad habits? I’ve never done it in real life. And I’ve only done it on camera 3 or 4 times at the beginning of my website before I decided that was stupid and unnecessary too. If I say I’m cumming, I am. If I don’t, I’m not.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t ever faked anything. I think most women have. Probably most men too. But usually in other ways…

A couple weeks ago – Terry caught me. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until he asked. Over the next few days, I kept noticing other things I’ve been faking. Faking being another term for LYING. God damn. I’m a fucking liar. Not intentionally. Not explicitly. But every time I pretend to feel a way I don’t – that’s a lie. Don’t voice my opinion in a situation where it truly matters – lie. I lie by omission to make other people happy. Or to not anger them. To avoid rocking the boat.

Not all the time, of course. Probably more than some people. Definitely less than others. But more than I’d like. Because I realized what lying does – it creates a wall. Its hard to feel close to someone when you’re not being truthful. Snuggle up all you want, you can’t break an invisible barrier.

So are you (unintentionally) wearing an emotional condom?

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Posted: February 28th, 2014 under Uncategorized - No Comments. Tags: , ,

All About Butts!

Today I’m talking buttsex – answering listener questions about:

- Deep anal penetration
- Opening up the ass
- And when she should get her orgasm

And check out my free anal sex guide to learn exactly how I do it here!

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Posted: February 26th, 2014 under Anal Sex, Sex Podcast - No Comments.

How I’m Okay Being “Cheated” On

Yesterday I told Terry, “If you ever have the opportunity to cheat on me, you should.”

Why? (A) Because I care about him enough to give him the freedom to do what feels good to him. Why should he have to deny something he wants because we’re in a relationship? I want him to be happy.

Of course, I may not be so open if it weren’t for (B). (B) Because if it ever happens, I want him to tell me all about it. Because I like him having sex with other women. Because it turns me on.

And (C) because he gives me the freedom to do whatever I want with women. People sometimes ask me how its fair he can be sexual with other chicks but I’m not with other guys. Its easy: I don’t want to. All I really want is him and a harem of chicks. So it works out.

Now before you tell me what an awesome wife I am (which I am), you should also know about a few caveats that make the possibility more unlikely to happen (though it still could):

(1) Except for oral sex, she has to be tested. Which limits his possible cheat-partners primarily to porn chicks who test every 14-28 days. Or he could use a condom, but he hates them and wouldn’t bother if that were a requirement. I don’t like ‘em either.

(2) No vaginal sex. This really cuts down the pool. Not because there’s anything special about my vagina that its the only one he’s allowed inside. Well, it is special, but for other reasons. Its because without a condom, we’re relying on some chick he doesn’t know well to actually take her birth control as prescribed (assuming she’s on it, which if she’s a tested porn chick she most likely is).

We use the pull-out method, which some people like to say isn’t a method, but studies show its as effective as typical condom use. And we’ve been doing it over 4 years with no issues. Because he has very good control, and I can only remember 3 or 4 times in our 6 years where he’s cum a bit too soon. And there were some special circumstances at the time that made that happen, which wouldn’t be likely with someone else. Plus if I were to get pregnant, we’d be happy about it. We’re planning on having babies in the future anyway. So I’m fine with the risk for just us.

But even with his excellent ejaculatory control, there’s always a chance. And who knows whether she’s as on top of her birth control to make 99.9% effective like they claim. The minor chance of him impregnating another woman is still too great for my comfort. And his.

Now, if we knew the woman and was certain she was consistent with her birth control or had an IUD, I’d be more open to him having vaginal sex. That’d be a case by case basis and we’d probably have to discuss it first.

(3) No vaginal sex means he’s basically limited to receiving blow jobs (something he isn’t super into, but the excitement of ‘cheating’ could make it more enjoyable than usual), giving oral sex (which he likes a lot), and anal. The likelihood of doing anal sex during a hookup is not high. Though again, if we’re talking about someone within the porn performer pool, the chance is higher than with a “regular” woman.

(4) He has to tell me. Right away. I want all the details. And I’ll probably want him to fuck me while he tells me all about it. And think about it when I masturbate for the next week. Or three.

(5) Things have to be going well for us. Meaning we’re happy together, getting along, and not fighting. If things were rocky at the time, I’d more likely be pissed. It wouldn’t make me leave him or anything. But I’d probably be real angry.

And lastly…

(6) No doing things that we only do with each other. Yes, this is a vague statement. Just like most people on the planet, we still have a private sex life that nobody will ever see. There are things we do together that I don’t ever tell people about. Its called intimacy, and even though we have sex with other people, certain things are still special to us. But that’s not really an issue. He always respects those boundaries.

So there you have it. How Terry can cheat on me. Which isn’t really cheating, because its not off-limits. REALLY cheating would be breaking one or more of these agreements.

Its the details like this that are important to outline if you’re having an open relationship of any kind. And keep talking about it, because they’re likely to change over time.

Posted: February 25th, 2014 under Open Relationships - No Comments.

Sometimes Sex Gets Messy

When I have really good sex, it often feels very raw, animalistic, messy. A mix of sweat, saliva, vaginal fluids and semen at the least. Sometimes squirting, which despite what all the ‘experts’ say, sometimes contains a trace amount of urine (which I figured out when I was taking vitamins that turned my pee bright yellow… and my squirt puddles turned a pale yellow from their usual clear). If we’re doing anal, occasionally shit happens. The wonders of the physical body on display to my lover.

Despite the efforts we make to de-grossify ourselves with perfumes, body sprays, deodorants, and mouthwash, to name a few, underneath we’ve all still inhabit these living breathing entities that don’t give a shit how clean or dirty they are. My body could care less when I last showered (which if you know anything about me, isn’t usually that often…).

So that’s why I loved this blog post about vomit.

I first heard of erotic vomiting in this chapter by Lauren Berlant and Michael Warner. Not an act I ever associated pleasure with, I was fascinated to read about a live force-feeding erotic vomiting performance they attended. I read this about 7 years ago, before I knew anything of the fetishistic worlds that exist both online and off.

No, this isn’t a story about how I developed a puke fetish. But more about how I’ve come to accept it as a part of the messiness that is sex. And even like it… almost.

Here’s something I wrote in response to a fan question about whether I’ve ever done or will do scat (poop) videos:

I generally have a ‘try anything once’ attitude, and while I think the idea of someone being turned on my ALL aspects of my body is hot, fantasy is different than (messy & smelly) reality. I’ve come into contact with shit doing anal without enemas because I hate how they make my stomach feel. I don’t care if there’s a little, and neither does Terry, but I experience it more as an acceptable hazard of the act than something I want to do on purpose. Which is why I do POV toilet slavery videos for my site, but its solely roleplaying, not actually showing anything.

I have a similar feeling on vomit. If you’re into deepthroating, you’re going to deal with vomit at some time or another. I’m a small person with a small mouth, so when Terry’s dick is all the way in I can sometimes get pretty close to throwing up. When its in the morning and I have nothing in my stomach, I actually like the feeling of dry-heaving with his dick in my mouth. I feel completely out of control and enjoy that. But I’ve actually puked on him a couple times, and in my own mouth even more – and my response is more ick than yay. Just like with shit, its a risk I’m willing to take but don’t try to make it happen.

I appreciate having a partner who isn’t offended by whatever my body does, because I don’t think you can have good sex and fear body functions. Sometimes they just come with the territory.

And here’s what fetish model Rain DeGrey has to say:

I DON’T have a puke fetish. Puke is nasty & messy & you have to stop everything to clean it up.

I have a CONTROL fetish. The concept of controlling someone so utterly that you literally control their bodily functions makes me hot. The thought of so completely owning the back of someone’s throat that you can make them vomit, whether they want to or no….well that works for me on so many levels it isn’t even funny. Forcing someone to vomit is like making them squirt from their throat. In my book.

Her desire to make someone vomit and the pleasure I get from dry-heaving is one in the same. We’d probably make great sex partners. She could dom the shit out of me. Or the puke. Whatever.

Posted: February 24th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

Reminds me of comedian Rob Delaney, who has a hilarious special on Netflix where he proudly declares that even after years together, “I still want to have sex with my wife!” To which he adds the caveat, “I also want to have sex with you, and you, and you…”

Posted: February 23rd, 2014 under Desire - No Comments. Tags: , ,

My Sexual Secrets: How I Discovered I Have “Sexual Anorexia”

When I said I was nervous about posting something the other day, this podcast is what I was referring to.

My work may often require nudity, but being honest feels even more naked.

Because secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone. Yeah. ME. And probably most people I’ve been in a relationship with. Sorry guys. & gals. It wasn’t you. It really WAS me.

Am I being vague enough?

I guess I should come out and say it, so at least you’ll know what the topic of this podcast is really about. I’ve recently discovered what was REALLY behind my motivation to research sexuality and work in the porn industry to explore this corner of the universe.

Sexual anorexia. Apparently, its a thing. You’ve heard of sex addiction – this is the flip side. The anorexic to the overeater. Denial, avoidance and overcontrol vs. out of control indulgence.

I’ve been reading this book and discussing it in therapy. It 100% describes my very confusing and painful sexual history. And while I’ve made a lot of progress since I even started this blog in 2011, sex can still be very difficult at times. What astounds me most is that I’ve been working in the field of sexuality in one form or another for almost 10 years now. And I’ve only just heard of this.

I thought I was crazy. I’ve never heard of anyone having the same sexual issues as me. If I read one more sex advice article for women that says to stimulate the clitoris during sex or buy a vibrator or communicate with my partner, I might punch someone in the face. Um. I’ve tried that. Thanks.

Though may put on an act of confidence, beneath it all I’ve still felt there was something wrong with me. Which seemed logical since 90% of what various “sex experts” have suggested hasn’t worked on me. If everyone else seems so happy, the problem must be me, right? Why after all this effort, is sex sometimes REALLY difficult for me? Why, when I want it most, does my body shut off and barely respond? Why is asking for what I want sometimes so terrifying its easier for me to pour myself into work that isn’t even necessary, just to avoid dealing with it?

Why have I felt like the cursed skeleton-pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, unable to enjoy my physical body?

“…the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust…” – Captain Barbossa

Only mine has not been a curse of greed. More a curse of denial, that I did all to myself.

So this is my story. Hope listening to it helps you in some way. If you’d like to share any part of your own sexual struggles, feel free to email me here. I promise I’ll respond.

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Posted: February 21st, 2014 under (Sex) Life, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Do Fantasies Help or Hurt?

I generally say its great for people to enjoy their fantasies so long as nobody gets hurt. Generally that’s pretty obvious. If anyone ends up in the hospital, its probably a no-go. But psychological hurt is harder to define. Especially when its our OWN psychologies. Can we hurt ourselves through our fantasies?


Sometimes fantasies are just ways we play out the same old patterns that have caused us pain and disappointment throughout our entire lives. Kind of like a guy who’s been divorced 5 times. If it didn’t work in marriage 1-4, why would #5 be any different? Sure people change, but without making a conscious effort, chances are the problem was never really the wife. The problem is the guy picking the same woman over and over. His picker is off. Because in some way, that woman is familiar, comforting, and attractive to him. But seeking a new one won’t fix why he keeps choosing someone who’s not right for him.

When is indulging in our fantasies helpful, and when it it harmful? How can fantasies fuel personal growth, or how can they cripple us? Where’s the line?

That’s something only you can know. And sometimes you’ll bang your head against the wall 263 times before you realize – the wall fucking hurts! And you’ll pull your head away to notice that fluffy pillow on the couch is a much softer place to rest your noggin…

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Posted: February 20th, 2014 under Fantasy, Sex Podcast - No Comments. Tags: , , , , ,

Sometimes Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder…

Sometimes its not easy to be so open about my sexuality. Sometimes its not easy to be dealing with my sexuality at all. Even in private.

Sometimes I get really nervous about things I want to say here, in writing or in the podcast. I’m afraid of being so vulnerable – so publicly – and afraid of being judged.

Sometimes I get emails from readers, listeners & fans of my adult work who comment on my confidence and ballsyness. Underneath that is fear. Yet I believe what I do is important, is necessary, is something I really really want to be doing. And much more you’ve yet to see.

Sometimes it takes a little while to find the courage. That’s where I’ve been. I mean, I’ve been busy shooting videos for our websites and working on other tasks. But how long does it really take to make a few posts of content I’ve already created? Not long. Its the emotional hurdle that’s far bigger than the work of writing a blog or recording a podcast.

Some things I’m not ready to say yet. Others you’ll see on this blog soon.

In the meantime, I’ve already posted this video previously but its so on point I had to share it again. Vulnerability. That’s what makes really good sex. And a really happy relationship. And if you’re anything like me, it can be a huge challenge. But also one that’s really worth undertaking…

Posted: February 19th, 2014 under (Sex) Life - No Comments.

Is It Okay to Have Taboo Fantasies?

Today talking about a reader’s question about his taboo fantasies…

Is it normal to fantasize about younger girls? I would never actualy do any thing with someone under eighteen but I sometimes fantasize about being with a teen and I was wondering if this was normal.

It may not be socially acceptable, but its definitely not abnormal…

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Posted: February 7th, 2014 under Fantasy, Uncategorized - No Comments.

What Does a Fantasy Mean?

Sometimes two people look at the same fantasy in different ways…

One night we decided to play with my butt.

But(t) instead, things got awkward. We got part way into it, and stopped.

Later, we realized we were coming at the same act from two different places. He wanted to share a ‘dirty’ experience. I wanted to be submissive and ‘made’ to do it.

Sometimes we’re totally on the same page. Other times, it might look like we are – but we’re really not. The only way to know is to communicate, so hear more about my awkward night and what I learned about making sex good.

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Posted: January 29th, 2014 under Communication - No Comments. Tags: , ,

What’s Anal Like For Her?

Yay! My first post in a couple weeks. Well, I recorded a bunch of podcasts to post while I was away at the Adult Entertainment Expo. But due to some technical difficulties they’re just going up now.


So today hear all about anal sex from the world’s biggest porn star’s perspective: Jenna Jameson. According to her autobiography, she never had anal sex on camera – but DID do it in her personal life.

I recently finished her new erotic novel, Sugar, whose main character is a former porn star and is (obviously) based on Jenna’s personal experiences.

In the book is a great scene where she has anal sex with the guy she’s seeing for the first time. In this podcast we have a bit of story time, I read part of the passage with you and share what anal is really like for some women, like Jenna (and me!).

If you want to put your dick (or fingers, or toys, or whatever) into a chick’s butt for fun, you’ll probably get a lot farther if you can relate!

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+ enjoy some Vines from AEE!

Posted: January 22nd, 2014 under Anal Sex - No Comments. Tags: ,

Is It Any Wonder What Makes Women Sexually Tick is Such a Mystery?

Um. No.

Columbus sailed the ocean blue. We’ve put human beings into space. Its possible to transplant an organ from one human being into another, and for the recipient to live a long healthy life. And somebody invented Krispy Kreme devil’s food chocolate cake donuts. All important contributions to history (well, Columbus is debatable but I probably wouldn’t be here if he didn’t).

But we didn’t know the full structure of the clitoris really is until 1998. Seriously:

Though the internal clitoris was illustrated by G.O. Kobelt all the way back in 1844 and additionally detailed by Dr. R.L. Dickinson in 1949, it was not until 1998—yes, 1998—that Helen O’Connell, an Australian urologist, became the first modern-day doctor to really explore and describe the hidden, internal structure of the clitoris. Few really took note of their work, and even today most anatomy textbooks do not fully illustrate the clitoris in its entirety. As someone who learned about intercourse from the encyclopedia at age 10, this is horrible news to me.

Clitoris: more than meets the eye.

So if anyone has trouble understanding what women want (including women), we can’t really be surprised.

Posted: January 10th, 2014 under Female Body - No Comments. Tags: , , ,

Kicking Him in the Balls… Out of Love, Like and Lust

I feel like I tell men over and over that its unlikely you’ll find a partner (particularly a female one) whose sexual desires perfectly mirror yours.  Especially guys who have fetishes.  Many times I’ve written & talked about how feminine women are often more interested in the context of an erotic encounter than the particular content (though we do care about that too!).  Meaning: a woman might not care about your fetish or fantasy in general… but she may be open to try it, and even learn to like it – with YOU.  Someone she cares about. In a happy relationship.

Now Mistress T may not be your typical woman, a dominatrix who abuses and humiliates men on camera and off.  But she echoes the same sentiment in her blog on a guy she’s been seeing and filming with that’s into ball busting.  i.e., getting kicked, punched, and generally abused in the testicular region:

…our relationship might be a little unusual. I never thought that I would actually find ball busting arousing. I do: with him. We go out dancing at fetish parties. I kick him in the balls & he gets hard. It turns me on & we make out. The way he reacts when I abuse his balls is so fucking sexy, so passionate. He loves it & surrenders to it beautifully. He also loves my feet & worships them during sex which sends me over the moon. My feet are certainly an erogenous zone.

Who says fetish can’t be romantic?

Posted: January 7th, 2014 under BDSM - No Comments. Tags: , , , ,

Turned On By That Time of the Month?

Question via Tumblr: Ever come across a guy who is into periods and maxi pads?

Online, yes. I’ve made a few videos on the topic based on fan suggestions:

Taboo – Jerk Off Instruction Brother Caught Masturbating With Used Pads & Tampons

Pussy Worship – Menstruation Worship

Sex Ed – POV Stepmother Period Lesson

Sex Ed – Menstruation Lesson

None of them show any menstrual blood though, because its against clips4sale & pretty much every payment processor’s terms of service. Which I think is ridiculous. Its perfectly okay to sell gang bangs & bukkake, but seeing a woman’s period? Why that’s obscene. The few sites that cater to it, as far as I know, are foreign.

I think the idea is really hot, because like most every other woman in the US, I grew up believing that my period was the grossest most disgusting thing about being a woman. For someone to be sexually aroused by it is arousing to me. My husband isn’t INTO it per se, but he’s gone down on me while on my period without a tampon in a few times (when it wasn’t too heavy) and I really like it. I’ll have sex on my period, just not when its too messy.

Posted: January 6th, 2014 under Fetish - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Letting Go of Sexual Shame

… or at least starting to anyway.

Its a process. You won’t just wake up one day and feel fantastic about something you’ve felt shitty about most or all of your life. Sorry. I wish that were true. Oh have I wished that were true…

But after wishful thinking failed me again and again, it was time to try something different.

Here’s something I’ve told myself many times over the last few years, completely changing the path of my life, going from rigidly normal to crazy exhibitionist sex worker:

The only way out is to go deeper in.

My path has been wrought with anxiety and second-guessing, packaged nicely with a bow in the wrapping paper of shame. The very feeling I sought to overcome became more and more prominent, harder and harder to avoid. On some level, I knew it would happen that way.

But I still didn’t like it. Trust me, if there were any other way, I’d have found it by now. Intuitively, I understood that the pleasure, connection & intimacy I wanted out of love & sex lie on the other side. That to feel what I REALLY wanted – I had to pass through all that junk I didn’t. Because it was avoiding all that yucky stuff that was really keeping me from those warm fuzzy feelings I craved.

Or rather, crave. Its still current. An ongoing process. Every time I confront my shame, feel it, explore it, allow it to be – a teeny bit more pleasure creeps in. I’ve let go of a lot the last few years, but there’s still more.

Yet I’ve seen enough progress to know that this is the way it works, and to trust the process, painful as it can be:

The only way out is to go deeper in.

Because what lies on the other side of pain is joy. On the other side lies fairies and unicorns and glitter and kittens and hugs and kisses and tingles and erections and pussy juice and orgasms and fantasies fulfilled and shit so awesome you’ll just flip yourself right over:

Listen to find out what exactly I do, and how you can start letting go yourself…

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Posted: December 31st, 2013 under Sexual Healing - No Comments. Tags: , ,

Sex and Shame

Have you ever felt bad about…

- Your sexual fantasies?
- Sexual things you’ve done?
- Your sexual fetish?
- People you’ve had sex with?
- How many people you’ve fucked? (Or haven’t.)
- Experiences you WISH hadn’t happened?


Welcome to the club! Pretty much everyone is a member, or has been at one point or another.

Meeeee included.

I think most people’s reaction to shame is to try and run away from it. To do their best to avoid things that provoke that icky feeling. But if you’ve ever tried that (as I have) – it doesn’t work. Those feelings always come out.

So if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Today I’m sharing what I’ve learned dealing with my own sexual shame over the last few years, and why feeling that shame is necessary if you want to enjoy your sex life a lot more. It might sting a bit at first, but the pleasure is well worth the pain.

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Posted: December 25th, 2013 under Sexual Healing - No Comments. Tags: , , ,