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Kicking Him in the Balls… Out of Love, Like and Lust

I feel like I tell men over and over that its unlikely you’ll find a partner (particularly a female one) whose sexual desires perfectly mirror yours.  Especially guys who have fetishes.  Many times I’ve written & talked about how feminine women are often more interested in the context of an erotic encounter than the particular content (though we do care about that too!).  Meaning: a woman might not care about your fetish or fantasy in general… but she may be open to try it, and even learn to like it – with YOU.  Someone she cares about. In a happy relationship.

Now Mistress T may not be your typical woman, a dominatrix who abuses and humiliates men on camera and off.  But she echoes the same sentiment in her blog on a guy she’s been seeing and filming with that’s into ball busting.  i.e., getting kicked, punched, and generally abused in the testicular region:

…our relationship might be a little unusual. I never thought that I would actually find ball busting arousing. I do: with him. We go out dancing at fetish parties. I kick him in the balls & he gets hard. It turns me on & we make out. The way he reacts when I abuse his balls is so fucking sexy, so passionate. He loves it & surrenders to it beautifully. He also loves my feet & worships them during sex which sends me over the moon. My feet are certainly an erogenous zone.

Who says fetish can’t be romantic?

Edited: January 7th, 2014

Behind Desire: Lessons on Peeing From Tera Patrick

I’ve been reading books by porn stars & other sex workers lately. I recently finished Tera Patrick’s book.

And I loved how she & her (now ex) husband described their voyage into kinkiness – primarily, watersports. (Which my computer keeps wanting to auto-correct to waterspouts. Stop censoring my dirty side!) AKA peeing on people.

Courtesy AirHugger.Wordpress.Com

Courtesy AirHugger.Wordpress.Com

Maybe you like pee, maybe its grosses you out, or perhaps the jury is still out (or took a trip to the bathroom instead). For the purposes of this podcast, it doesn’t matter. Nor did it really matter to Tera & her dude, because as they describe, peeing isn’t necessarily about the pee. Its about how it feels to be dominant and submissive. Which really, is what a lot of our fantasies are about.

So let’s dive a bit deeper, shall we?

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Edited: December 18th, 2013

How to Get Rough

A lot of guys like it rough… and so do girls. But if your idea of rough sex comes from porn, better listen up. Porn is entertainment, not a documentary. It takes a bit more skill than you see in porn to have a good rough sex experience at home. One that she’ll want again. And again. And again. Listen & find out how!

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Edited: October 23rd, 2013

Female Domination: My Experience

For my 100th episode, I talk about my experience getting into my more dominant side, and how you can help your girlfriend get into hers.

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Edited: September 23rd, 2013

Is BDSM Healthy?

A new study says yes!

And I agree. I believe its important for us to experience our desires in some way, so long as everyone involved is enjoying themselves. Even if those desires are a little weird, dark or dirty.

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Edited: August 21st, 2013

Help My Wife Become More Dominant

Sometimes its fun to switch ‘roles’…

Question via Tumblr:

I would love to have some information about getting my very submissive wife to become more dominate. She loves to be dominated, but I feel kind of left out in the context of I always feel like I am doing all the instigation. Does that make sense? She says she is willing to try but does not know where to start.

Being dominant can feel kind of scary to one who’s never done it before. Before I started making porn, I never had a sexual experience as a true dominant – only times my husband would be ‘aggressively’ submissive to me, so I still actually felt like the submissive one even while technically domming him.

I primarily learned by watching femdom pornclips4sale is a great place to start. Browse the site with your wife (or have her do it on her own) to find a domme she can identify with. A woman whose look, attitude, & scenarios are appealing to her, as there are many styles of domination. Watch and copy. Kink.com’s female domination sites are worth checking out if you’re both into something more extreme, though their particular genre of domination may be a bit much for a newbie. Reading BDSM erotica can help with the feeling & mindset as well – power exchange IS primarily an emotional-psychological game.

It can also be helpful to communicate to your wife specific acts or scenarios where you’d like her to take the lead. Just because you want to be submissive doesn’t mean she has to run the show 100%. Any sexual encounter is give-and-take – so especially learning something new you’ll have to give her lots of feedback. Even dirty talking while having ‘vanilla’ sex or masturbating together can be helpful – my husband and I often do this when we’re exploring something new but aren’t quite ready to try it yet.

There are also how-to books & video guides out there. SM 101 by Jay Wiseman is a popular one that I’ve read. Its more aimed at ‘lifestyle’ BDSM than occasional home play, and in my opinion seemed a little dungeons-and-dragons about the ‘rules’ of play – but gave me a lot of ideas regardless. I haven’t seen any instructional videos myself, so I can’t make any recommendations, but browse around and see if any of these appeal to you two.

Whether you watch porn, read erotica, instructional books or videos – doing it together can spark great conversation about your likes & dislikes, any insecurities that need to be addressed (i.e., fear of hurting you, going too far, etc.), and give you a guide on which to base your initial play sessions. Learning together can be a really hot & fun experience in itself – and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourselves when it doesn’t go as planned. Sex is all about fun, intimacy & pleasure – whatever you two choose to do – so stay lighthearted and enjoy the process of exploring a new side of yourselves together.

Edited: July 19th, 2013

I Want to Be More Submissive!

Can women be more dominant in the bedroom? Submissive men everywhere hope so.

A male listener writes,

80% of girls I’ve tried to convince to be dominant with me simply don’t have the confidence to try. I might suggest to her, “Hey it’d turn me on a lot if you called me this, or you ddi this, or made up something assertive and just ran with it.” But I have yet to find someone I have a really good dom/sub connection with.

Is submissive just a fancy word for being lazy, letting the guy do all the work?

Is the percentage of women who purely don’t have a dominant side a majority?
I just want to treat a girl like crap and then have her return the favor. :P

With 50 Shades of Grey we know many women are into submission, but what about domination?

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Edited: March 31st, 2013

Listener Questions on Domination & Submission With Aiden Starr

Dominatrix and porn star Aiden Starr is back to answer listener questions on domination and submission.

If you didn’t hear my interview with this intelligent & beautiful woman, listen here.

Aiden Starr shares her insights from years of personal and professional experience in BDSM. We cover several questions:

(1) What can you do if you’re into BDSM and your partner isn’t? Hear Aiden’s take on submissive men – a group I hear from often – and whether/how they can share their desires with a partner.

(2) Where to draw boundaries? I received an email asking about submissives, “that want no boundaries or safe words, but who are destined for a more ruinous end (and are only turned on by that).” How far is too far? And what should you do when your or your partners’ boundaries are crossed?

(3) How can someone get started in BDSM if they’ve never tried it?

Want more of Aiden? Check out her website to watch videos & book a session, follow her on twitter, and hear her co-host the Mean Bitches Show every Thursday 9-11pm PST on Sirius XM 103.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: February 14th, 2013

What’s it Like to be a Dominatrix & Porn Star? Let’s Ask Aiden Starr

To dominatrix and porn star Aiden Starr, sex work isn’t just a job – its a lifestyle. 

Aiden Starr

Aiden Starr

Aiden has always been a dominant woman who grew tired of trying to be “normal.” She found her home in professionally dominating men and women in private sessions, and later on camera. Aiden has starred in over 219 adult DVDs and has won multiple AVN awards. Listen to how she talks about her training, sessions, and clients – its obvious in her voice how much this 4’11″ pro-domme loves this work (and play). Aiden is experienced in many facets of domination, as you can see on Kink.com. Strapons and electro play are some of her and her fans’ favorites – she’s even been shocked with a cattle prod! She’s one strong chick so I found it especially cute that personally, Aiden likes girls more than guys, and at home she enjoys “lesbian” sex with her crossdresser boyfriend.

Want more of Aiden? Check out her website to watch videos & book a session, follow her on twitter, and hear her co-host the Mean Bitches Show every Thursday 9-11pm PST on Sirius XM 103.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: February 10th, 2013

When Rough Sex Gets Too Rough

I had a recent sexual encounter that involved blood. Not on purpose.

I like being submissive, but I hate pain. I enjoy light slapping, spanking and hair pulling – but more for the shock value and intensity. A little sting is okay but pain takes me out of the fun submissive space.

So who’s responsible when it goes too far?

It depends. In power exchange situations, best practice is to discuss boundaries beforehand. Dom agrees to honor. But its up to the submissive to assert when they’ve been crossed. Doms aren’t mind readers. Its a two-way street.

I knew it was going a bit too far, but I didn’t say anything until my body did. That was my bad. Lesson learned.

Some tips:

- If you’re going to play rough, establish a safeword or signal. Or multiple safewords – in BDSM green, yellow & red are often used. Yellow is useful – slow down, change gears, but don’t stop. I was in a yellow zone ’til my body went red. Physical signals can be useful when words can’t be spoken, like in choking (I’ll tap my partner on the arm if its too much).

- If you can, practice first. Impractical for some situations – if you’re into rough spanking its probably not a great idea to take yourself all the way to bleeding (some like it) and then go back to start over. But especially if your’e in a relationship and play often, try doing the act like P90X – rep to fail. If its spanking, have your partner spank you harder and harder until you hit yellow, then RED. Then the dom partner knows how far is comfortable for the sub. But be aware that the limits can change day to day depending on how the sub’s mind/body/soul is feeling.

- Take responsibility. All parties. Power exchange is built on trust, so if someone fucks up, they need to own it if the session or relationship will continue.

- If boundaries are crossed, give the body time to recover before returning to the same act.

- Be aware that accidentally crossing boundaries isn’t the end of the world, unless you’re dealing with potentially dangerous acts (choking, needle play, suspension, electro play, etc.). Don’t dwell on it, learn from it. Whether it means sticking up for your needs, finding a more suitable partner, or simply discovering that you don’t like certain acts. Unpleasant experiences can be just as important as pleasant ones to learn about desires.

- Talk about it after. What was great, what could be improved. Talking about it can be sexy itself, and sets the stage for more fun next time.

Edited: February 9th, 2013

Playing With Dominance & Submission

I LOVED this interview and demonstration with sex educator Jayia and Mistress Kaila Yi. Its long, but well worth the watch! The demonstration was particularly sexy – I love to watch someone experience their sexuality, and Jayia gets (near) naked with us – physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Whether you’re new to BDSM, have a partner interested in domination & submission, or fantasize about one side or the other yourself – Mistress Kaila has something to teach in this fun and sexy interview.

Edited: December 20th, 2012

How to Be More Dominant if You’re on the Submissive Side

What happens when both partners are more submissive?

My boyfriend and I have great sexual chemistry and things have been going really well both inside and outside of the bedroom, but there’s one small issue: we’re both on the sexually submissive side. Though it is not usually an issue, it is clear that we’d both prefer being with someone more sexually dominant than ourselves. I would like to try and see if I have it in me to be more dominant in the bedroom because I know he would really like that, but I have no idea how! I would really appreciate some tips on how to take charge in the bedroom. Thanks.

Here’s what Em and Lo have to say:

You don’t have to be dressed in head-to-toe pleather, wielding a riding crop and saying things like “You’ve been a bad, bad boy” to embrace your inner dom. Here are five simple things you can do — with or without props — that don’t require a lot of emoting on your part:

(1) Tie him up. This is domination 101. By restraining him, you make him a slave to your sexual will. After you tie him up, you don’t even have to do anything that kinky, just hop on and enjoy yourself, even if that means nice, face-holding lurve-making…

(2) Blindfold him. This is another BDSM basic. By impairing his vision, you make him more vulnerable…

(3) Take his voice. You could gag him, but that can be a bit tricky (safety-wise) and uncomfortable. Just tell him he’s not allowed to say anything during your session, and if he does, you get to spank him (on only the fleshy part of his bum, not too hard)….By the way, it’s good to agree on a safeword beforehand that he can use in case he needs to tell you that something is uncomfortable or have you stop…

(4) Play “Dominant Says.” He’s only allowed to do what you tell him to do: from taking off his clothes to touching you, from going slower to going faster, etc…

(5) Make him your foreplay love slave. You don’t need to make him do your laundry or scrub your floors — that just seems rude. But why not make him do a little dirty work before getting it on: have him bathe you, shampoo you, towel you off, moisturize you, dress you in your best lingerie (or whatever), brush your hair… Hell, you could even make him give you a foot massage!

Even if domination doesn’t come naturally to you, exploring the ‘other side’ can be erotic. If you’re both submissive, take turns and make it a game to explore domination. It can be tons of fun to try something new – even if you feel silly. And being in charge of your partner’s pleasure can help you understand and connect with your partner on a deeper level.

Edited: November 4th, 2012

Confessions of an Emerging BDSM FemDom (Female!) Fan

I get emails from submissive men all the time, wanting to know how to get women to be more dominant with them. I often coach men on how to draw the dominant side out of a woman, but for some BDSM comes naturally…

Confessions of a BDSM beginner:

I think I might be kinky.

I know, I know: These days, who isn’t? With Fifty Shades of Grey refusing to budge from the bestseller list and Rihanna singing about how chains and whips excite her, it’s practically de rigueur to own a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. But I know for me, this isn’t some trendy game I’ll play with a pink blindfold and a couple of scarves (though if those are your thing, more power to you!). I’m talking about real domination and submission, real pain.

I’ve always liked playing around with control in the bedroom. One boyfriend I had would pretend to be a bandit or a pirate and I would be the pretty maiden waiting to be ravished. Another would pin me down, yank my hair, bite harder than usual. (Unfortunately, most guys couldn’t seem to understand that I actually wanted something that hurt and left a mark, not just a delicate, ticklish nip on the neck like some Twilight fantasy.)

But while I enjoyed doing these things, something always felt a little tame. It seemed too easy to be the princess, too boring to be the delicate flower, all please-sir-may-I-have-some-more?

I started watching BDSM porn, beginning with the typical guy dominating a girl. It was fine, the way any porn is fine when you want to watch some. But then I found a link to the femdom aspect of this particular website, and: JACKPOT! Fireworks went off in my underwear! The images of men in submission, begging for a touch, were so much hotter to me than women doing the same. And when the man begged to have an orgasm? When he was denied? That was (and is) the best of all, to me. It’s usually a given that a guy is going to climax when you’re having sex, right? At least, it was a surefire (pun intended) thing for my partners, and not always so for me. Femdom changed all the rules.

I’ve tried to figure out why I’m into femdom. Did I once stand up to the bully in pre-school? Do I want to find my powerful voice, one that doesn’t come naturally to my reserved public persona? All I know is what I want: I want a man to trust me enough to let me do whatever I want to him. I want him to want me to do that. And I totally want to ruin his orgasm.

My one big problem now? Finding someone to top.

I’ve never actually fucked anyone this way. I’ve never told anyone about these desires and I’m not sure how to bring them up. I know there are websites for people like me, who want to find a “slave,” but I don’t buy into the whole leather-boots, lotsa-lipstick look that screams “Dominatrix right here!” Nor do I want this to be an entire “lifestyle,” one in which my boyfriend, after a satisfying round of power play, does my dishes and folds my laundry while on all fours. (Then again….)

No, I think I’d rather fly under the radar, and work my ways on some strong man who’s never really given bedroom submission a thought before. I guess I’ll have to start slow and ease him into it with those silly fur cuffs, so eventually he’ll go for real rope. Maybe I’ll even make him think it’s all his idea…

Edited: September 17th, 2012

Exploring BDSM: The Emotional Side of Submission

Lately I’ve been craving BDSM and submission.

Terry and I have always had amazing sex. The best I’d ever had. But I wasn’t very open in the beginning – I was in theory, but not in practice. As I began to explore my sexuality, I saw how submissive I wanted to be. I became insecure and scared. I didn’t want to show him this very deep part of myself and be rejected for it, as I’d been in previous relationships.

So as we got closer and had more submissive sex, I tested him. Over. And over. And over. And over again. Until finally, we arrived at a place where I couldn’t test him anymore. When we got married, I said I’m either all in or I’m all out. I committed. In.

Its not that he passed all my tests. Its actually that he didn’t. Most of the time he wouldn’t be manipulated by me. He wouldn’t take my insecure bullshit.

But there were times he would. He’d try to make me happy by ignoring his feelings over mine. He’d start reacting out of his abusive childhood and act like an asshole. And I’d react to him like a child myself. There have been times where our negativity has so fed off one another that I wondered what the fuck I was doing. But as much as I’d be angry sometimes, we always maintained a strong bond. Because this: no matter what, he ALWAYS ultimately stood up for himself. The equilibrium always came back to that. I always respected him in the end.

And at a certain point – when we got married – I knew I had to take that for granted. I had to know within myself that THAT was who he is. I also had to forgive him for his wounds. Parts of his childhood were very loving, others were quite rough. It doesn’t excuse any of his behavior, nor do any of my “issues” excuse mine. But I had to forgive him for the parts of him that aren’t so strong. To love him, faults and all, as he loves me. And to respect him for admitting those faults and for his own journey in overcoming his past. As he has for me.

Since getting married, its not as though we’ve been without fights. As if the old patterns of behaving have simply disappeared. On the contrary. What’s changed is how I respond toward him. How I communicate with him. How we work for resolve our conflicts. How I’ve been able to tell him all this, about the times I haven’t respected him, and how he’s taken my feedback “like a man.” We’ve never been happier. And what do you know, our sex life has never been better.

And now I feel like I’m ready to go deeper. To give myself to him, to allow myself to be used. To be his slut, his whore, his pet. Keyword: HIS.

Edited: August 20th, 2012

BDSM: Public Sex vs. Private Sex

When it comes to BDSM, in public I’m mostly dominant. In private though, I’m much more submissive.

I’m very public about my sexuality, because though I use my experiences to teach others, I’m an exhibitionist at heart. It feels good to talk about it, be open about it, and involve other people in my sex life.

But there are some things I prefer to keep more private. My fans love my dominant side, but at home I’m more submissive. At times, I’m extremely submissive, to a degree I won’t show on camera or to anyone but Terry.

Its about trust. I want to be treated like a slut, a whore, like a treasured fuck pet. But most people can’t do that, most people I’ve encountered can’t handle me. Its almost hilarious to me that men literally beg to be my slave, these desperately submissive men who crave the same thing I do. Perhaps that’s why my fans enjoy my dominant side so much… I understand their needs more than they could know.

I want to be on my knees (literally or figuratively) and trust that my master (a term I waver on, but for lack of anything better) will give me what I need. That they aren’t there to take or make me passive. But rather to guide me, to lead me, to take me to my limits and (sometimes) push me to experience the other side. To force me to flirt with my own discomfort, to make me anxious, to trust they won’t take me further than I can handle. And that no matter what we do together, they’ll still love me after.

Terry is the only person I’ve ever truly submitted to. He’s seen sides of me that no one else has, because I’ve never trusted anyone else to go that deep. And nobody’s every been able to take me there. My best experience before him was when a man I dated slapped me during sex. It was months after I brought up the fantasy, because he wasn’t sure he could do it. Until we were drunk one night… From my foggy memory, it was hot. But I also knew it was barely scratching the surface. If it was that big of a deal to slap me, what about my even crazier fantasies? I wanted to tell him, but I couldn’t bring being rejected for that side of me. Again. And I didn’t trust he wouldn’t.

But Terry was different. Terry made me feel safe. Terry showed me I could be dominant… but I also could submit. To him.

Edited: August 18th, 2012

Slap Me Silly

The first time I ever asked someone to slap me during sex, he said, “Uhh, I don’t know if I can do that.” We later found that with enough alcohol, he could. I slapped back. From what I remember, it was a fun night.

The feminist in me never saw a problem with it – I asked for it, and not in that she-asked-for-rape-because-she-dressed-like-a-whore way. Literally. No prob.

I like what Betty Dodson has to say about slap happy sex:

A reader asked, Like 3 months ago my husband and I were having sex when suddenly I see that he grabs my hair and slaps me in the face. It was not a gentle slap but neither did it hurt. While he was doing this he kept asking me if I wanted for him to keep slapping me…I was not sure what to answer but I also liked it!

She responded, Instead of asking if your husbands behavior is “normal” I think you need to ask yourself if you would like him to continue or stop. If it excites you then my answer is yes, continue. If not, then by all means say no thanks…I suggest you discuss this after dinner sometime when you are both in a good mood. Nothing better than talking about sex with our significant others instead of trying to read their minds.

Edited: November 23rd, 2011

From Fantasy to Reality

This was written a couple weeks ago:

I’m in the process of writing a guide on how to play with fetishes, and it occurred to me one day that I should follow my own advice.  I pulled out my journal and wrote down a few of my most frequent sexual fantasies.  Most I’ve dabbled with but haven’t quite made come to life yet in the way I want.  I made a short list with bullet points of what turned me on and why.  As I looked over my list, I decided it was time to really indulge one of the oldest fantasies on the list – being a submissive, tied up and forced to be pleasured in the way I want.  And then ravaged however he wants.

 

I ran the general idea by my boyfriend.  “How do you feel about having a date night where I’m your slave?”  I fumbled my way around describing my idea, because even though I knew he’d be down, I was nervous.  Talking is the first step to making it real, and I haven’t made it fully real yet because I’ve been uncomfortable with my own desires.  I told him I’d like if I played the role the entire night and I came up with things for him to make me do in advance (that way he’d know how I want to be submissive, and he wouldn’t have to guess).  He loves my dirty mind, and of course agreed.  Over the next few days, my perverted brain dreamed up different scenarios and evaluated them in terms of my comfort, the logistics of making it happen, and my own ability to communicate what I want.  A day or two before our date night, I told him the basics of what I want: he puts my leash and collar on me, picks out clothes for me to wear out, we go out to eat and he picks out what I have, and then we come home, he ties me up, and plays with my pussy.  I should record myself talking like this sometime, because it certainly didn’t come out as clear as I’ve written it.  I want you readers to understand that this communication thing isn’t easy for me, just like it isn’t easy for almost everyone else I’ve been with.

 

So date night rolls around, and I’m still stuffed from my sister’s birthday lunch.  I can adapt.  He’s hungry though.  And I just realized I don’t have enough rope to tie all of my limbs up the way I want.  I suggest the following: how about he leashes and dresses me up, takes me out to the sex shop to buy under-the-bed restraints, and then we come back and play.  His response was – (a) he’s hungry so when’s the eating going to happen, and (b) he’s not so sure about going to the sex store with my leash.  He’d be fine doing that at a bar or a party, but not at a store.  I counter that going out in public is part of the fantasy, but he’s just not feeling it.  Okay fine, I’m adaptable.  I sat on the couch in silence for a few minutes and came up with some scenarios we could do just at home.  I tell him this, and he shares an idea of his own – how about he makes dinner for himself while I make donut dough (we just got a deep fryer and we’re on a donut-making kick. highly recommended), which has been his “job” up until now.  Then when we’re done, we can fry up the donuts together and enjoy.  Yum.

 

So together we build the plot for my fantasy.  First we’ll go to the sex shop as “regular” people to get the supplies I want.  When we get home he’ll put on my leash and lead me crawling around the house.  I want him to pick out something sexy to wear and make me do something sexual to set the mood.  I leave that up to him – sucking his dick, licking his feet or his ass, putting my jewel butt plug in my ass, whatever.  Then we’ll move to the kitchen, where he’ll me how to make the donuts, since I don’t actually know how.  Ooh, I get to obey orders.  Yay.  I have to ask him permission to go to the bathroom and get a drink of water.  And when he’s done eating, he’ll take me into the bedroom, restrain me, and have at it.

 

We got the basics down, but next I had to tell him what I wanted to happen once I was tied up.  Here’s been the challenge for me — I have crazy fantasies, but I never fantasize about receiving pleasure.  Its all the build up and the general scenario, but because I rarely orgasm from interacting with other people, its hard to imagine what would make me feel good.  Actually, its the other way around – because I don’t see myself getting pleasure from other people, I don’t get it.  That’s what this night is about – forcing myself to be in the position where I have to receive.

 

I give him a general rundown of what I want, but basically say to try playing with my pussy in different ways and seeing how I react.  I want him to start off light and teasing (I LOVE being teased) and build up to fingering me or eating my pussy.  I’d love if he had me restrained and then left me there by myself for a little bit, so I wouldn’t know when he was coming back.  I tell him not to fuck my pussy because there’s a chance I may be fertile right now and I don’t want to take the risk.  Now, I have no idea how this will go.  It could be amazing or it could be horrible.  However, I want to keep character regardless, so I give myself an out.  If/when I’m over it at some point, I’ll say switch and I’ll do whatever he wants me to do.  That way we both get off to my being submissive.

 

And so it begins.  We go to the sex shop and buy under-the-bed restraints and, on a whim, a ball gag.  I brought up the idea, but apparently he’d imagined me baking wearing a ball gag.  Great minds think alike, right?

 

We get home and prepare for the night, setting up the restraints and trying out the ball gag.  Its actually too big for my head, so he plays around with it, experimenting with making it smaller.  He’s great at Macgyvering things up.

 

So now its time to actually begin.  He tightens the leash around my neck, and walks me into the bedroom.  He picks out my white fishnet dress, pink thong panties that make my ass look amazing (he’s got an ass fetish himself), and pink and white knee socks.  I’m nervous and I put on the clothes he’s chosen.  “You’re so fucking sexy,” he says, as he pulls his dick out and tells me to suck it.  I take it in my mouth and suck.  So far I don’t feel much different than I normally would giving a blowjob – a bit distracted, somewhat aroused, trying to focus on what’s right in front of me.  But I go with it (I DO love sucking his dick).  After a couple minutes he starts unbuttoning his pants.  What’s he doing?  Is he going to fuck my ass right now?  The not-knowing brings me into the moment and I start feeling it.  He steps back to pull his dick out of my mouth, turns around and pulls his pants down.  “Lick my ass,” he orders, bending over slightly.  I scooch myself up higher on my knees to reach.  Before licking, I press my nostrils against his asshole and inhale.  It smells like him, like a dirty, funky, sweaty version of his body aroma.  Scents are an evolutionary turn-on, you know.  We’re attracted to people who smell different from our families to ensure genetic diversity.  Obviously that doesn’t always work out, but he and I must have quite different genes because his smell is intoxicating to me.  I run my tongue around the edges of his asshole.  My tongue flicks the opening to his hole, and I stick my tongue in just enough that I can taste the almost metallic flavor of the smooth lining of the anal canal.

 

He’s had enough, refastening his pants.  He tells me to stand up and leads me into our kitchen.  At first I wish he made me crawl in there, but then I remember we have tile floor that hasn’t been cleaned in god knows how long, so I go with it.  He hooks the end of my leash to one of the arm restraints he’d attached earlier and says nobody is allowed to touch it except him.  There’s nobody else here, but I suddenly feel like his property and my heart begins to pound harder.  He tells me how to make the donuts, and tells me to wipe off the counter when I’m done.  We hadn’t discussed that, and I’m surprised that the idea of cleaning for him is turning me on.  Normally I like things being clean, but I hate cleaning.  I’m a perfectionist, and whenever I try I never feel like its good enough, so why bother?  But now I have to clean for somebody else.  Its not about my unrealistic standards.  Its about him.

 

He starts to make his dinner, and I remind him to gag me up.  Reminding him kills the mood for me momentarily, but its all good.  I go with the flow.  Now I can’t talk, so as I mix up the ingredients I have to use hand motions to ask questions.  Drool is spilling down my chin, though not into the dough.  Not that I’d really care.  My mind is distracted, thinking about work, my family, something on TV yesterday – regular things I’d normally ponder while cooking.  I keep reminding myself that this is my fantasy, that I’m making these donuts FOR HIM.  It helps me stay present and over time I remind myself less and less.  I’m becoming his slave.

 

He’s becoming my master too.  He starts talking to me like we normally would while in the kitchen, about something political – I don’t even remember what.  I make noises in response, but can’t say anything and nor do I want to.  I start feeling annoyed that he’s talking to me like normal, but realize I didn’t tell him not to so I can’t be upset.  And even if I did, so what?  A one-sided conversation doesn’t last that long anyway, and he quiets down after he finishes his story.  Next time, I think to myself, I’ll tell him the only things he should say to me are orders, compliments, complimentary insults (slut), and anything sexual.  I refocus on the task at hand – making him donuts, and I come back to the present.

 

When I finish the dough, I wipe up the area of the counter he told me to clean.  And I’m surprisingly enjoying it.  I’m enjoying being his kitchen slave so much I clean up the stove and another section of the counter he didn’t ask.  At this point he’s done cooking and is sitting down on the couch in front of the TV, eating.  With slobber dripping down my chin, I rub the grease and grime off the stove, thinking to myself how I’m cleaning for my master.  I think to myself that maybe we should try this more often, and I’ll get my pussy excited and a clean house.  Who knew I could have both from the same activity?  I see that I don’t mind housework, as long as its appreciated.  And the promise of pussy play definitely shows me appreciation.  :)

 

When I’m done I walk into the living room, wishing I’d told him to instruct my every move.  I kneel down on the floor in front of him, watching him eat.  I motion with my head to the bathroom, and he asks if I have to go #1 or #2.  I hold up 1 finger.  He asks how bad I have to go.  I shrug my shoulders.  I want to go before we start playing with my pussy, but I can wait.  He says I have to wait then, that he wants it to feel really good when I finally go.  I’m on the floor kneeling on my legs, and I’m in my role.  Even though I don’t have to go that bad, knowing I can’t is making me horny.  I start rocking back and forth, stimulating my inner pussy muscles and clit without touching them.  My boyfriend thinks I’m doing this because I have to pee, and after a few minutes gives me permission to go.  I can’t correct him with my gag on, but it doesn’t really matter anyway.  I still want to go before the real action starts.  I go pee and when I wipe, the toilet paper is wet with pussy juice.  I hope to myself it’ll come back.  There have been times when I’ve wiped my wetness away and the mere act of doing that was a turn-off.  But I was determined to be fully turned ON today, so I decided not to worry about it.  Be in the moment.  Be the slave, and it will come.

 

He finishes his dinner, and I take his plate into the kitchen without him asking.  Note to self: I definitely want to be ordered to do this.  I point to my gag and he asks if I want it removed.  I’d told him earlier I wasn’t sure how long I could keep it on – it makes the jaw quite sore, like I’d popped some X earlier (I wish).  He takes it off and leads me into the bedroom on my hands and knees.  I climb onto the bed while he fastens my restraints to the bed.  I’m spread eagle and at his mercy.

 

He sits on the bed between my legs, looking at me, almost like he’s plotting his next move.  Probably is – I hadn’t given him that clear of instructions for this part, so a lot of the action was up to him.  He lightly ran his fingers up and down my thighs and pussy area, relaxing me, reminding me to be present.  He proceeds to play with my pussy in ways he’s never done before.  I still have my panties on, and he teases the fuck out of me by waving his hands in front of my pussy *almost* touching it, just *barely* grazing it here and there.  I lift my hips as high as I can to meet his hands, as he pulls them just out of my pussy’s reach.  Yes, this is what I wanted, yet I never would have come up with this.  Points for my master.  He kisses my thighs and lightly licks my clit.  He tickles my feet, something I suggested he try earlier.  I’ve known there’s something about my feet that seems to be linked directly to my vagina, but haven’t experimented with it much.  His light touch makes me laugh and squirm.

 

He pulls his dick out of his boxer briefs (my new favorite underwear for him) and lightly rubs it around my vulva, teasing the opening and pulling back.  Its all about pulling back, giving a little then taking it away, more and more and more until I can’t stand it.  That’s what my pussy wants, and I’ve known for a long time but didn’t feel comfortable with it.  I didn’t know how to communicate it.  I didn’t think he or any guys wanted to play that way.  After all, his dick definitely wasn’t getting off on this, though it was hard most of the time (from what I could see).  I see how I’ve pushed my desires aside because of my own hangups + stupid social norms that tell me sex is what makes a dick cum (even though I’ve spent countless hours reading and teaching about how this isn’t the case).  And I can’t help but note the irony of coming to this realization while I’m playing slave.  How its taken completely giving myself over to someone else (a man, in particular) to understand and experience what my body wants.

 

These thoughts are floating through my mind – can’t experience anything without my own commentary, it sometimes seems.  But I’m largely focused on my pussy, on the experience, since I can’t move anywhere anyway.  I feel how I want him to stop, but I don’t really want him to stop.  I feel how I’d normally push away my own pleasure, how I tend to rush past building up my own arousal because I’m so concerned about his (and so uncomfortable with mine).  I feel it because I can’t change the activity, I’m at his mercy.  I want to tell him to just fuck me anyway, even though my mental fertility alert was high, even though its not really what I wanted in the long run (not that I wouldn’t love it).  But I let the resistance pass.  And pass.  And pass.  It comes in waves, but when I focus on my breathing and my pussy I come back to present.

 

He builds up my arousal, then gets off the bed and leaves me there.  He’ll be back.  I know he’s going to sit on the couch, smoke a bowl, and watch TV for a few minutes before returning.  I know him.  But I don’t know how long he’ll be gone, or even how much time is passing.  Its probably only a few minutes, but the not-knowing… yeah, I like that.  I’m laying across the bed, and focusing on my breathing, on techniques I read about in Barbara Carellas’ Urban Tantra.  I’m not completely focused, but I’m somewhat there, so I think its helping.  I get distracted when one of our cats jumps on the bed, purring.  She has a great habit of being a little monkey, getting in the middle of whatever’s going on, and today’s no different.  She’s got to check out the situation and rub her purring face all over it, or in this case – me.  I giggle as I see that the universe will always send potential distractions to your “goals,” but the key is to stay focused on what I want.  And what I want is for my pussy to feel things its rarely or never experienced before.

 

My master returns, and laughs at our silly kitty who’s rolling over on my left side, in the space between my arm and leg.  He gets back to business, now using the cold chain of my leash against my clit, dropping it lightly down (panties pulled aside) to barely touch the hood, sending chills down my spine.  He rubs and licks the outer lips of my pussy, where the legs of the clitoris extend down toward the perineum.  He pulls the leash so my neck must sit up, and I watch him masturbating.  Is he doing this because he likes it, or is he going to do something with his cock?  I love not knowing, and I love watching him jerk off, so I’m happy whatever happens.  He loosens his grip on his dick and places the black leather leash handle around it.  He puts his dick inside my panties (still on), and gives me space to rub my pussy up, down, and around it as much as I’m able while strapped to the bed.  I experiment with the moves I’m able to make, and quickly become tired – these are muscles I’m not used to using.  My arousal is going down, but I’m committed to doing what he wants and giving it my all, so I keep going.  After several minutes, he pulls away – my pube stubble is chafing him.  I tell him my pussy wants to be filled up, half hoping he’ll shove his dick in there anyway, even though I told him not to.  He knows me, real well.  He positions himself almost sideways, so he can get his cock inside, and slowly works his way in.  I’m moaning with excitement, all the while worrying about his precum and knowing this would distract me from my pleasure “goal.”  Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but I think by that point we were both losing steam.

 

He does listen to me though.  He pulls his dick out after a  minute or two, because of the instructions I’d given him earlier.  I ask him to finger me – not very slave-like, and I make a mental note to tell him: next time more penetration, maybe with a dildo too.  Because holy shit did it feel amazing.  Even though I was almost losing interest, my body was already turned on enough that I jump into present as his fingers work my g-spot.  Normally, I’d pull back after a minute or two because the sensation is so intense.  Its not an option this time, and I’m thankful.  The restraints give me something to push and pull against; I try to get away and am aroused by the fact that I can’t.  It forces me to accept what he’s doing to my body and to enjoy it.  I breathe.  I breathe to relax my pussy, and as I do I felt it open, dripping wet.  He works my g-spot for several minutes, as I overcome several urges to scream STOP!  I accept the pleasure, and I even feel my pussy muscles contract a few times around his fingers.  Not an orgasm, but definitely on the right path.  Of course, the moment I notice this I’m pulled out of the situation, which sets me back.  But that’s okay, because what else can I do except get back in.  I want to be in my role, and I’m determined that my body will feel, for once.  So I relax, breathe, and feel the warmth emanate from a place deep inside me I can’t quite pinpoint.

 

After awhile, his hand gets tired.  I don’t blame him, especially in that position.  And by then I was overwhelmed with the sensation, so I welcomed the break.  Perhaps this means I needed more, I needed to push past this wall of resistance too.  Next time, I think to myself, we’ll play with a dildo more to save his fingers.  Maybe save them for last – my favorite.  He curls them up just right inside my pussy, I can feel it now as I’m typing.

 

I tell him I’ll do whatever he want now, so he unhooks my restraints from the bed and fastens them to themselves – right arm to left leg and vice versa.  I’m in a weird little doggy style ball, and my hands are right at my pussy.  He expertly works his dick into my ass, licking my hole, making sure there’s enough spit, pushing it in, telling me to squeeze, and pulling it back out.  Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.  He’s great at ass fucking, let me tell you.  He builds up to some hardcore butt fucking while I play with my clit  I can feel his cock pushing against my g-spot through the wall of my anal canal, wanting him to pound it with all his strength (and he’s pretty strong).  Its not as intense as being fingered, its not (yet) orgasm-worthy, but it feels great.  He comes, pretty much all over the bed.  See normally he comes in my mouth, but I’m tangled in my bondage gear and can’t get into position fast enough.  Eh, I don’t care.  We’ll wash the sheets…eventually.  He unhooks me and we both lay there panting, telling each other “I love you” and what a great time we just had.  We’re very appreciative of one another – that’s a big reason we have such amazing sex.  We leave the room to clean up (I’ve got gobs of spit in and around my asshole), and when done I pull him back to the bedroom.  I want to masturbate to orgasm, and I want him with me.

 

I place a condom on my clone-a-willy of his dick.  Its the only dildo I regularly play with – my favorite shape and size.  It doesn’t wash well and gives me yeast infections, so I have to use a condom.  Besides, the material is a bit rough, so the condom smooths it out.  I digress.  My pussy is wet and open; it slides in easily.  I’m so horny it only takes a few minutes, laying on my back with my legs close together.  While I love the sensation of being fucked, when I masturbate I hold the dildo inside me and pulse it up against my g-spot.  I do this with my left hand, while my right presses against my vulva, or more accurately – my body pushes my vulva up against my hand.  He lays with his armpit near my face, and I breathe in the smell of his sex sweat while I cum.  I lay there for a minute, then do it again.

 

The whole night came down to those two orgasms.  Here’s the challenge, so to speak, of my body.  We spent the whole night exciting my pussy, and yet my orgasms were somewhat anticlimactic.  I feel my pattern of disassociation, where I stop feeling it just as I cum.  It feels amazing right before, almost at the peak of pleasure, my body yearning to let go and feel it reverberate through my entire being.  Yet as I cross over into the o-zone, the tingly warm fuzziness fades.  My pussy contracts – I feel that the orgasm has happened.  I feel somewhat satisfied.  I’m still horny, but my energy is drained.  Nonetheless, I’m thankful for my orgasms.  Grateful to have some release.  In the past there have been months, maybe years, where I felt none.

 

Its donut time anyway.

 

All in all, a great night.  I’ve spent the last two days telling him how amazing it was.  Both in general, and specific points.  Positive reinforcement works wonders.

 

We’ll definitely do this again.  I’m already coming up with things for me to clean (that stack of dishes isn’t getting any smaller), and now that we’ve done it once we can refine our roles more clearly.  It was an awesome feeling to trust him – to give him complete control over my body, and for him to respect it, playing by my rules.  I don’t know how other couples do it, but in my experience the sub role is really the one in charge.  The sub sets the limits; the dom weaves a tapestry of pleasure for the sub, bringing them close then pulling them back, so the sub can simply experience.  At least, that’s what being submissive means to me.

 

As I finished up the above paragraph, my boyfriend came in to see me lying on my stomach, naked on the bed.  He called me by one of my 40 vajillion pet names, spread my ass cheeks, and smelled and licked my asshole.  He pulled my body up so he could lick my clit as I grinded (ground? ha) my pussy against his face.  I love my life.

 

Edited: September 26th, 2011