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Sex Problems: The ONE THING You MUST Know

We spend so much time, energy, and money on sex toys, therapists, and Viagra. But what’s REALLY causing your sex problems?

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Edited: August 19th, 2012

Relationship Advice: Its All in Your Head, OR How Subconscious Beliefs Shape our Sexual Relationships

Relationship advice: Stop listening to the TV, the movies, your religion, and your parents. Tune into yourself. Easier said than done.

I’ve spent countless hours reading and teaching college kids about how social norms shape our thoughts, beliefs, and actions without our realizing.

So it came as a surprise to discover I was holding onto a belief I picked up from romantic movies – that a man should know what I want, come sweep me off my feet, and give it to me without my saying a word. That meant love. If I had to ask, it meant he didn’t want to, and therefore that he didn’t love me.

My logical mind has known this is bullshit for many years. I always enjoyed giving lectures on how the media shapes our romantic ideals, never realizing I still subscribed to them myself.

This belief has led to assumptions about my relationship and about my husband. I’ve felt uncomfortable asking for things I wanted in sex that aren’t his immediate turn ons or get offs. Making out, massage, soft touch, oral sex, playing with my g-spot and experimenting with squirting. Of course he enjoys those things – he’ll even masturbate while he licks my pussy – but he’s not asking me for them. He asks me for his desires, and I’m happy to fulfill them.

And yet when I ask, its in a childlike way that makes it sound unappealing. “You wouldn’t possibly be interested in maybe doing XYZ, would you?” Whether he says yes or no doesn’t matter, because I’ve already framed it in my mind that he doesn’t want to. Even when he says yes I still don’t believe he wants to be there – because I believe if he loved me, he should be spontaneously offer me exactly what I want while I lay back in silence. And simultaneously I’m programming him to believe I don’t really want it either, so of course he rarely surprises me with my own desires. Why would he? I make it sound as fun as a bag of rocks.

Intellectual knowledge can be deceiving. Understanding how society programs us is interesting, but that understanding has done little to change my reality. Frustrating. Now I find when I examine how I act, rather than what I think, I find a window into subconscious beliefs I didn’t know I had. We live under an illusion that we’re in control of our lives, that we should and do act from a rational, logical, conscious place. But most of our behaviors come from subconscious programming we picked up from friends, family, school, religion, and the media.

If sex isn’t going your way, take a look at how you’re behaving. How are you creating the situation? What are you doing or saying – or NOT doing or saying – that’s contributing to your outcome (or lack thereof)? Its easy to blame our partners for what we’re not getting, because its not easy or fun to look within. But that’s where the answers lie.

Edited: June 4th, 2012