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I Wanna Share My Fetishes!!!

Question via Tumblr: hey i just meet a girl and i relly what to tell here about my fetishes like my diaper fetish how can i tell her

Well congrats on meeting someone :) That’s always very fun and exciting.

Its great you want to share your fetishes with her. Unless you met her in a BDSM or fetish type of setting, I think fetish discussion will usually happen slowly and is really going to depend on your girl. Not everyone is comfortable with fetishes – sometimes they’re just not into them, but often they just don’t understand them, and sadly we often judge a book by its cover. Whether she’s open or not depends on her own sexual tastes and how comfortable she is exploring. Chances are she doesn’t have a diaper fetish and she may have never heard of it. So I’d suggest feeling out how kinky she is and maybe share some ‘lighter’ fetishes (everyone’s heard of a foot fetish, for instance, and its not usually seen as that ‘creepy’) before going to the more socially ‘out there’ ones.

Realize a few important things here -

1 – She will have her own reaction to each new sexual/fetishistic thing you introduce.

2 – Her reaction may or may not line up with your desires. Her initial reaction may stick, or she may change her feelings if she’s open to learning more. A range of possible reactions may include:
- She just so happens to secretly share your fetish, or something similar, and is super excited to have found you!
- She’s totally fascinated and wants to try.
- She’s interested to learn more.
- She’s okay with you liking it but is unsure about participating.
- She’s okay with you liking it but doesn’t want to participate.
- She’s unsure about it.
- She doesn’t like it but is open to learning more.
- She doesn’t like it but is content to ignore it and never talk about it again.
- She doesn’t like it and becomes judgmental.
- She doesn’t like it and never wants to talk to you again.

3 – Whether or not she is cool with your fetishes is in no way an evaluation of your worth as a romantic/sexual partner or more broadly, as a human being. Regardless of how compatible you are in other ways, you two simply may or may not be sexually compatible.

4 – Depending on her reaction, you may or may not want to continue seeing her. All relationships require compromise, so if she isn’t interested in some way that’s centrally important to you (i.e. you want her to participate but she does not want to), its up to you to decide whether you can happily live with something less (maybe you just do it on your own without her). In time she may change her mind, or she may not – and that’s her freedom to do so.

Its up to you to decide what’s necessary and what’s optional in your relationships. At the same time, I’ve seen people with fetishes be so adamant that their partner fulfill their fetish in a specific way that it actually pushes away potential partners who might be open in some way. Its a balance between being true to yourself and your needs, and being flexible enough to let another person with their own wants, needs and desires into your world. Its really no different from any other element of relationships (religion/spirituality, how money is handled, cooking and meals, the importance of family, etc.).

As far as how to specifically tell her – I’ve done a lot of podcasts & blogs on communication so I’d suggest you check out some of these:

How to Talk About Sex
How to Talk About Your Fantasies
How Do I Get Her Into My Foot Fetish?
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 1
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 2

Good luck!

Edited: November 6th, 2014

So Your Partner Isn’t Initiating Sex Enough?

via Conner Habib:

Friends, No one wants to feel unwanted. When you’re the one that’s always initiating sex in your relationship, it can feel like there’s a big imbalance, and that can cause big problems. Even if the sex itself is good, if you’re the one always pulling your partner into bed, or onto the kitchen floor, or into the Starbucks bathroom, or whatever, the fact that you’re starting it can create resentment. You find yourself wondering, Why am I always the one asking for sex? What’s this feeling all about, and what’s the best way to handle it? Here are four ways to deal…

Read more here!

(PS – I don’t normally link to the Millionaire Matchmaker’s website, since I disagreed with at least half of what she said on her TV show – yet still found it annoyingly entertaining – BUT Conner is a cool dude. Or so I’ve decided based on some of his other writing…)

Edited: May 16th, 2014

Sexual Honesty – Are You Telling The Truth About Your Sexuality?

I’ve been reading this book called Radical Honesty by Dr. Brad Blanton.

I think most of us agree that honesty is important to a relationship. But actually BEING honest can be hard. Especially about sex.

Have you told your partner (or past partners);

  • Your complete sexual history?
  • What REALLY turns you on?
  • How exactly you masturbate?
  • Whether you’ve cheated on them? Been attracted to anyone else since you’ve been with them?

The list could really go on and on, and most of us would say no to at least one…

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Edited: April 13th, 2014

What Does a Fantasy Mean?

Sometimes two people look at the same fantasy in different ways…

One night we decided to play with my butt.

But(t) instead, things got awkward. We got part way into it, and stopped.

Later, we realized we were coming at the same act from two different places. He wanted to share a ‘dirty’ experience. I wanted to be submissive and ‘made’ to do it.

Sometimes we’re totally on the same page. Other times, it might look like we are – but we’re really not. The only way to know is to communicate, so hear more about my awkward night and what I learned about making sex good.

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Edited: January 29th, 2014

How to Talk About Your Fantasies

I recently made a custom video for a fan who had a very… let’s say ‘different’ sort of fantasy. One I was happy to oblige, but didn’t really understand the turn-on.

So… I asked him, why do you think this turns you on so much?

And his explanation was so great I asked if I could share it with you. Why? If you want to talk about your fantasies with your partner, and perhaps don’t know where to begin, let this be an example. You may not find his fantasy sexy, but the way he talked about it really helped me to make it cum true. Just like you’d like your partner to do for you!

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Edited: December 16th, 2013

How Do I Get Her Into My Foot Fetish?

Question via Tumblr:
So I started seeing this girl that I’ve known for a long time and she is very open about things. Anal and even letting me watch her use the bathroom. 1 and 2. She is totally fine with almost everything but I have a huge foot fetish and that is the one thing she doesn’t want to do. Any suggestions?

My first reaction is that I find it hard to believe someone would be okay with you watching them go to the bathroom, but not okay with feet. Foot fetish is pretty mild and most people have heard of it… though I do know some like my best friend, who thinks feet are super disgusting. So I suppose its possible…

Anyway, you need to have open communication with her about it in a non-sexual context. I like to take walks with Terry when we’re talking about sensitive issues. There are two issues at hand here – her feeling on feet and yours. Communication = the process of sharing and understanding one another’s feelings.

How do feet make her feel? Does that feeling remind her of something else in her life she doesn’t like, like a bad memory from childhood or a douchey ex-boyfriend? Is there some kind of moral or psychological judgment she’s making on foot fetish?

And then your feelings… Why do feet turn you on? What’s so sexy about feet? What are your earliest memories of appreciating women’s feet? How does it make you feel?

Keyword for both: feel. We’re talking emotion here, which is the basis for 99% of our behaviors. Human beings are not nearly as logical as they think.

This may happen in one conversation, or it may take many to be on the same page – whether about your fetish or about anything that’s important in your relationship. When she understands your desires, and feels that you care about her and understand her emotions – that’s when she’ll be more likely to try. There’s no guarantees of course, and she still may be turned off by it. At which point you have to ask yourself how important this one piece is if she’s so awesome with everything else.

Terry & I both have fantasies we don’t fully ‘do’ with one another. You don’t need to be a perfect sexual match to have a happy relationship, just enough overlap you can thoroughly enjoy one another. But if there’s something that’s central to your sexuality and you can’t live without it, it could be that she’s not the one.

And of course, make sure you’re giving her the same consideration in making her fantasies come true as you are yours. Putting in an effort to please her will go a long way and give her an example to follow – if you’re going outside your comfort zone for her, it makes it okay for her to do the same.

Edited: December 10th, 2013

How He Cums in My Mouth

Everyone says communication is key to great sex and relationships… but how do you actually do it?

I still wonder sometimes! But other times I get it right. So today I share a little story about my sex life – a question I asked my husband about his preferences – about how he cums after we fuck.

And if you don’t care about communication, well, you just might like my sexy story anyway…

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Edited: June 27th, 2013

Why Won’t My Girlfriend Talk About Anal Sex?

Question via Tumblr:

My girlfriend isn’t shy or inhibited.. at all.. but sometimes she’s not very open. There are certain things she just won’t talk about. For instance, if I try to bring up any kind of anal play (not just penetration but anything) all I get is a capital letter NO. It’s just not up for discussion. At this point i’ve given up trying to discuss anything like that. Is there anything i can do to promote a bit of openness about discussing sexual things?

I would imagine its one of two things:

1. She’s had a bad experience with anal before you.

2. She’s embarrassed about her butt being gross, smelling, being dirty, etc.

Either way, its something that makes her uncomfortable. Instead of asking her to do anything anal, ask her about her feelings on the topic.

“I notice you get really upset whenever I ask about anal. Why do you get so upset? How do you feel about it?”

Empathize with her perspective, whether or not it makes sense to you. You cannot convince her with logic to change how she feels. However if you engage in an open dialogue about the subject, without pressure to do anything in the moment, her worries may relax. She may be more willing to at least talk – if not try.

Edited: June 16th, 2013

How to Have a Happy Relationship

I’ve been talking about open relationships & exploring fantasies a lot on the podcast lately. There’s one thing Siri, Carey Riley, and Jimmy Broadway all said: to have a successful open relationship, you must START with a happy relationship. A threesome, swinger’s party or cuckold roleplay won’t FIX your relationship — if you’re not already happy, it may actually ruin it!

Everyone always says the key to good relationships is communication. If you are on the same wavelength, you’ll be happier and definitely have more (and better!) sex.

But HOW exactly do you communicate? In this podcast I discuss the book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman and the key to having a happy relationship and doing that thing everyone says to… communicating… (Its not that hard!)

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Edited: May 14th, 2013

Getting Sexual Feedback: Is There Any Way I Can Suck Your Dick Better?

Is there any way I can suck your dick better?

 

Earlier this week I watched the latest episode of In the Bedroom With Dr. Laura. I have mixed feelings about Dr. Laura for her involvement with the pharmaceutical industry, promoting Viagra for women with ZERO medical support that it works (as documented in Orgasm Inc.), but its a fairly good show so I’ll still watch.

One of the issues this couple fought over (of many) was blowjobs. He always wanted it, she never gave it. The main issue was they fought all the time and both sunk real low, calling each other fat, ugly, loser, bad husband/wife/parent, etc. That’s a recipe for NO sex of any kind. But on the topic of blowjobs specifically, the wife said was she didn’t feel confident in her oral skills so she felt uncomfortable.

For part of their “homework,” Dr. Laura gave them a sex book and marked the section on oral sex. She had the couple read the chapter together the first night. They came back the next day and she said she felt better about her abilities. That night, Dr. Laura told them to have sex, including oral. They reported back on day 3 and while there was still “work” to do on their relationship, everyone was happy with the progress.

 

When I watch these shows, sometimes my own insecurities get triggered.  I’ve always been good at blow jobs, or I’ve been told. I have no technique (except to avoid my teeth). I just try different moves with my mouth and hand, and see how they respond. Then I do more of what they seem to enjoy. Its worked well since my first blowjob at 15.

I’ve made most guys cum easily from oral sex. But not Terry. I remember the first time it didn’t “work.” We hadn’t been together long. For some reason we weren’t going to have sex that day, so I thought I’d suck his dick instead. I felt like I was down there forever. Since he was always telling me how good I was at sex, I was confused. Finally he stopped me and said that it felt good but he wasn’t going to cum from just a blowjob. I took it a little personal, though I tried not to let it show. Years later I understand that he’s crazy about asses, so if something doesn’t involve an ass he might cum but he might not. At the time, I knew he was into anal but had no idea the depth of his ass fetish.

So it left me with a feeling of insecurity. Like – he says he’s not that into blow jobs but if I were REALLY that good at sex I could make him cum anyway. Lurking somewhere behind that, was a sense that if he really loved me, my mouth would somehow surpass every other mouth that’s been on it. I would win, so to speak, by making him easily cum in ways other girls hadn’t.

I’ve never said anything about it to him. And since, he’s cum many times from blowjobs, but – as I suggested to a reader with a similar issue – often when I stimulate him in some other way at the same time. Usually involving my ass. And I have no problem with this whatsoever.

 

About a month ago we were cleaning the house and he found a couple amateur DVDs he was on with his ex-girlfriend. I couldn’t wait to watch. I picked the blowjob DVD… for some reason, I love watching girls suck his cock. I was a little nervous, it being his ex, but they broke up over 6 years ago and I know he doesn’t have any feelings for her.

So we popped it in my computer. It was a cheesy amateur gonzo scene, filmed in the bathroom of their apartment. I can’t remember the set up, but within about 30 seconds she offered to give him a blowjob. And she did.

And I had to laugh to myself. The exact same thing that happens with me, happened with her. When he’s not 100% into it, he starts trying – which NEVER works well to have an orgasm. His dick gets a bit softer, not limp but not totally hard either. All this time, I’ve still taken it a bit personally when this has happened – even though I KNOW why it happens. It’d be like if he took it personal that I haven’t often cum from oral sex myself, which has nothing to do with his skill.

Nonetheless, it did make me feel a little better. That it wasn’t just me, its just how he responds (or doesn’t) to blow jobs. Granted, he got it together and came – finishing by ejaculating in her mouth, as a ‘typical’ porn scene. But in front of me I had visual PROOF that I don’t suck (in the bad way).

Tonight we cuddled on the couch and I decided to suck his cock. I was just intending to do it for a few minutes then go about my work, but he got into it so I kept going. My feelings about oral sex arose, and instead of starting to feel self conscious about my abilities, I shifted my focus – telling myself “make him feel good” over and over. That was the point, was it not? I started paying more attention to what he was enjoying, and he came relatively quickly for a blow job.

 

After I cuddled back up with him and asked:

Is there any way I can suck your dick better?

He said, “I don’t know, ask me while you’re doing it.”  I replied, “Okay, I’ll ask next time.  But in general, is there anything I could be doing differently?”  After a moment, he said, “Not that I can think of, you do really good.”

Years of insecurity, and I could have just asked. Instead of worrying that I must suck at sucking dick, all it took was reframing the situation in my mind:

So what if I DID suck? Its a SKILL. I could always LEARN.

 

Of course, it makes me feel good that I already do well. Everyone likes to be good at things, especially sex. How funny that my own insecurities potentially kept me from being a better lover to him. While not a major issue, letting myself wallow in low confidence certainly kept me from getting closer to him. It created a wall between us. It distracted me from pleasing him, which is the whole fucking point of giving a blow job.

 

How often do we let our fears that we’re unskilled at sex keep us from asking how we can improve?   From getting closer to our partners, to learning their likes and dislikes?  From BECOMING an amazing lover to the people we care about?

 

I’m going to start asking this question more: How can I [fill in the blank] better?

Edited: January 17th, 2013

How to Tell Them What You Want

Sometimes it can be scary to say what we want in the bedroom. If you’re nervous, its perfectly natural. But communication is a skill, and just like riding a bike – you have to practice before you ride smoothly. If talking about sex is too anxiety provoking, you can start OUTSIDE the bedroom. Listen to this podcast for tips to practice your communication and get more of what!

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: December 26th, 2012

How to Talk Dirty

When I met Terry, I didn’t even have a word in my vocabulary to refer to – what I now call – my pussy. One night he got me to say it – pussy – and I couldn’t stop giggling. “That’s so hot,” he told me. When I got home, I texted him one word: pussy. And so the seeds were planted for the wonderfully dirty mouth I have today.

Whether you’re great at dirty talk or you’re completely silent in bed, check out this video for some dirty talk tips:


Sex Tips: How to Talk Dirty by kelseysextips

And check out Exhibitionism For the Shy by Carol Queen for more dirty talk tips!

Edited: December 11th, 2012

Sex Advice: Why Won’t My Wife Give Me a Blowjob?

A man twittered me for sex advice, frustrated because he loves blowjobs but his wife doesn’t.

There are many reasons we don’t get what we want in sex, but this was a special case. His wife had a terrible experience with oral sex previously, where an ex-boyfriend forced her to give him blowjobs. It was no surprise she wasn’t interested in pleasing him orally.

His question is important for two reasons. First, many of us want things in our sex lives that our partner isn’t necessarily thrilled about. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen, but it takes a lot of clear communication to make it happen so everyone is happy. Below, I give him sex advice about how to approach his wife about the situation.

Second, because 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men experience sexual assault (in the US). Sexual assault is a seriously unfortunate reality, not only for survivors, but for their partners. Both partners still have sexual needs, but trauma takes a lot of time and understanding to heal. This book is a good starting point, but chances are she may need more help.

What’s a guy to do? Watch and learn:


Why Won't My Wife Give Me a Blowjob? — Kelsey… by kelseysextips

Edited: October 22nd, 2012

Is Your Partner Doing it Wrong? Here’s How to Help

Your partner may need some direction:

Dear Em & Lo,

I truly enjoy sex with my boyfriend, but I don’t orgasm through sex. We are a relatively new couple, and he hasn’t learned how to get me off reliably with oral sex. He recently told me that when he performs oral sex on me, I am too quiet.

I completely understand his desire for me to be more vocal and more directive. However, I hesitate, because the very few times I have given directions, he applied the advice in the moment but then never again. And I don’t want to offend him by being patronizing or assuming he doesn’t understand the female anatomy.

I want to turn him on, and I want to orgasm when he goes down on me. I love him, and enjoy his efforts, but he doesn’t seem to hit the right spot. How can I communicate what he should do without being condescending or patronizing? It’s not like he’s bad at this — his efforts have been valiant the few times he has tried, he just hasn’t learned my body completely yet.

– The Quiet American

Dear Q.A.,

Perhaps when your boyfriend says that you’re not “vocal” enough during oral sex, he means that you’re not being vocally appreciative enough of his efforts. In other words, perhaps he’s one of those guys who’d rather get a massive standing ovation when he’s doing something right — rather than pointers when he’s doing something wrong. (And really, who doesn’t prefer that?) If this is the case, you might want to make sure that you’re providing a lot of positive reinforcement along with your instructions. When he gets something right (and especially if he gets something right after you ask him to do it), you need to ham it up: moans, groans, writhing, oh yeahs, the lot.

Or perhaps he’s just really forgetful? It could be that once he’s between your thighs inhaling your heady scent, all coherent thought goes out the window. Which means that you need to remind him gently — as many times as it takes. If you’re worried about being condescending, turn the reminder into a compliment: “Remember that thing you did last time with your nose? It turned me on so much, could you do it again?” And so on. Perhaps he’s one of those guys who learns via muscle memory instead of rote memorization. Also, what we said before about moaning loudly when he gets it right? That should help a memory stick.

As for your fears that you’ll sound condescending or patronizing: Just make sure that you when you tell him something, it sounds more like dirty talk than text book talk. Drop the matter-of-fact voice and tell him what turns you on like you mean it.

Have you tried mutual masturbation yet, by the way? You know: you diddle you while he diddles himself — and you each watch each other. This won’t necessarily teach him about how to go down on you, but it will teach him how to pay attention to what gets you off.

If he’s the decent guy you say he is, and if he continues to try as valiantly as you say he has been, we’re sure you’ll get there eventually. In the meantime, try to enjoy the journey, as the hippies like to say.

– The Not-So-Quiet Advice Ladies

Edited: August 25th, 2012

Turning Fantasy Into Reality

Do you have a fantasy you’ve been dying to try, but your partner isn’t into it? Or are you scared they’ll turn you down?

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: August 25th, 2012

How Do Relationship Problems Affect Your Sex Life?

If you’re having relationship problems, chances are you aren’t having much sex.

Here’s how you can resolve disagreements faster so you can stop fighting and get back to fucking.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: August 16th, 2012

Relationship Advice: To Get What You Want, You Gotta Ask for It

Courtesy Ev’yan at SexLoveLiberation.com:

Your lover can’t read your mind. The waitress at your favorite cafe can’t read your mind. Your dearest, most closest friend whom you’ve known since kindergarten can’t, either.

None of these people can possibly know how you’d like to be touched, how you wish to be kissed, how you desire to be heard — really & truly heard — unless they’ve got telepathic powers. And they likely don’t. So you must tell them.

You must ask for what you want.

If you want less talk & more action, ask for it.
If you want more sugar in your coffee,
ask for it.
If you want to role play in the bedroom,
suggest it.
If you want to be fucked harder, lighter, longer. . .
tell her.
If you want your masseuse to massage a specific kink,
tell him.
If you want a raise,
ask for it.
If you want the trash taken out,
ask for it.
If you want him to call you sweetheart,
request it.

I know it seems silly (& a little remedial) to reiterate such things, but sometimes we forget that we are powerful, persuasive, that we have the ability to choose the way in which our lives are played out.

And, too, we often think that we’re not worthy of pleasure or worthy of an extra cube of sugar in our coffee; that if we were worthy, it would’ve automatically been bestowed upon us. So we see the lacking as a sign.

“Perhaps it’s not meant to be. Perhaps this is just the way things are. Perhaps it’s better this way.”

No.
You have a voice.

Use it to ask for what it is you want.

This is key to liberation; sexual or otherwise. When you ask for what it is you want (& need) you are taking ownership of your desires.

And ownership of your life. YOUR life. Nobody else is gonna do it for you. Nobody will ever give a shit about your wants, needs, and desires as much as you. Even the most caring partner in the world can’t read your mind. Take care of yourself by asking for what you want, what you need, and what you crave.

Edited: July 28th, 2012

Relationship Problems: When Honesty Isn’t Easy

“Experts” like to say “just talk about it” when there are relationship problems – but that’s easier said than done.

A true friend will lovingly call you on your shit because they support your own growth. In my opinion, the best romantic relationships are based on a solid friendship. But if it were easy to be a good friend, more people would have better friendships.

I was always the quiet one, and really communicating my feelings hasn’t come naturally. Especially when I see someone I love acting in a way that’s causing themselves or others pain. Its hard to shine the light on a part of someone’s life they’d rather not see, even though I know they will thank me in the long run. That uncomfortable moment where my words ignite the hurt that often seems to accompany first denial, then realization that I know them, I see them, and I love them – and I may not be 100% correct, but my observation isn’t totally wrong either. I’m afraid to voice my feelings, scared they won’t love me anymore if I tell what I see as the truth.

My usual habit has been to hint at the topic and hope they bring it up. They never do because they don’t know its there. Then I somehow feel rejected, as if they don’t care to hear the opinion they don’t know I have. I’ll smile while I’m screaming at them in my head. I’ll turn it around and blame them. I’ll pull away or cause unnecessary arguments until it either comes out or I get distracted by something else going on in life.

My husband, on the other hand, will drop bombs. He’ll deliver a truth I don’t want to hear in such a way that I want to argue just so he won’t be right. I’ll cry, he’ll apologize. But over the next few minutes, hours, days it’ll trickle into my subconscious. Though he speaks it in a hurtful way, and sometimes he’s projecting — he usually has a point. I’m always glad to his message. But his delivery makes me avoid talking about the issue with him, which may inhibit the very growth he’s trying to help.

Being honest AND respectful is a skill we’re both learning as we go.

Edited: July 24th, 2012

How Can I Get Him/Her To…(Fill in the Blank): Communication Solves Most Sex and Relationship Problems

Communication is the source of most relationship problems

.

Many times I’ve asked myself, “Why don’t I get what I want in my relationships?” I’ve typically answered in a one insecure way or another. Because he doesn’t really love me. Because he’s an asshole. Because I don’t deserve it. Because he doesn’t care about the things I like. Because he doesn’t want to make me feel good. Most of these thoughts then attract a spiral of others – Then why am I with him? What the fuck am I doing with my life? What’s wrong with me for staying with someone who treats me so poorly?

But the real answer is: Because I haven’t asked.

Duh.

Here are some things I’ve communicated recently:

- I like it when you come up and touch my boobs or my pussy or make out with me when I’m in the middle of doing something.

- If I’m stressed out working, I’d like if you came and sat with me and just hugged or kissed me to calm me down.

- When we’re having sex and you’re doing it too hard, how can I tell you to change it without making you feel like you’re doing something wrong?

- When I’m acting stressed out, I would love if you would tell me to stop working and give me a massage or run me a bath. Then give me space where we can have sex if I want after but I don’t have to, depending how I feel.

- I understand how you feel when I reject you, because even though this was a different situation here’s what I felt when you just rejected me…

- When you come onto me like that, it turns me off.

- If I think of something I’ve wanted to ask for but haven’t, you’re okay if I just say it, right?

I’ve gotten angry and upset with my husband so many times because I assumed he knew what I wanted and wasn’t giving it to me. The times I would communicate, it would be whiny, bitchy, and disrespectful – completely ineffective. I didn’t think he wanted to, because I didn’t think he really loved me. Nor was I really ready to do it, because I didn’t think I deserved to get it anyway.

So here’s the not-so-magic formula to communication:

Know What You Want +
Ask Respectfully and Explain in a Way That Makes Sense to Them +
Be Open to Actually Getting What You’re Asking For

Your partner may or may not be open to trying something new. But if you communicate in this way, you’re much more likely to get it. And even if they say no now, it doesn’t mean no forever. Respect their boundaries and approach them again in the future. And always treat them how you’d want to be treated if the situation were reversed.

Edited: June 14th, 2012

Communication: How to Have a Difficult Conversation

Communication is the glue that makes relationships work, yet we all seem to have a difficult time sharing our real thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Its true of sex, work, family, friendships, even your relationship with your doctor, accountant, or banker. Communication is how we share who we are and how we get what we want. When we don’t communicate, we’re not being real and we’re definitely not getting what we want.

Sex educator Reid Mihalko says, The plain truth of intimacy is this: It’s what we’re not saying in our relationships that’s slowly killing them.

Here is his simple 2-step ‘formula’ to help you communicate with anyone in your life:

Step 1: Find some time alone and write down the answers to the following questions, in the order they appear… Just write for 3-5 minutes on each question, non-stop. Try to keep the pen moving or your fingers typing for the full 3-5 minutes. Write all the crap swirling around in your head and get it on paper or a computer screen. If you get stuck, write: “I’m stuck. I can’t think of anything…” until your brain unsticks itself. Keep moving!

A. What I’m not saying to ___(my partner, my boss, the hottie at the bar)__ is ___________________.

B. What I’m afraid might happen if I say it is ___(Remember, you’re brainstorming! Your list can’t be too long! The longer the better!)___.

C. What I’d like to have happen by saying this is ___(Write down all the positive things you can think of!)____.

Step 2: Cut and paste your answers into this this script below which will be the script that you can memorize or read from when you talk to so and so. It can also be the script that you use to email them, etc.:

Dear ___(partner, boss, hottie at the bar)__, there are some things I’ve not been saying to you. I’m not saying them/haven’t been able to say them, because I’m afraid the following might happen:

(Answers from B here)
(Answers from B here)
(Answers from B here)

What I would like to have happen by my telling you is:

(Answers from C here)
(Answers from C here)
(Answers from C here)

And what I’m not telling you is (Answer from A here).

Thank you for listening. What, if anything, would you like to share?

An Example:

Here’s an example of a Difficult Conversation Formula Script all filled in with a situation which, unfortunately, might be all too common these days…

“Dear partner, there are some things I’ve not been saying to you. I’m not saying them, because I’m afraid the following might happen:

- You will lose all respect for me
- You’ll divorce and leave me
- You will take the kids away and I will never see them again
- You will never forgive me and I’ll have no chance of rebuilding your trust in me

What I would like to have happen by my telling you is:

- For you to know that I would never lie to you and that you trust me more
- That when I lie or hide something from you, I’ll try to come clean as quickly as I can
- That we reach a deeper level of love, trust and intimacy in our relationship
- That we role model for our children that it’s possible to make it through tough times

And what I’m not telling you is I was let go from my job a week ago and I was too afraid and ashamed to tell you and I’ve been spending my days at Starbucks applying for jobs without much success yet.

Thank you for listening. What, if anything, would you like to share?”

Edited: May 27th, 2012

How to Communicate About Your Fetish

We’re not always into what our partners assume. How can you share your fetish with a partner without hurting their feelings?

Email from a reader:

I have a bit of a weird sort of anti-fetish, I’m not really into boobs or the ass like most men are, I prefer smooth long legs and a nice mid-drift and belly. I often feel uncomfortable when I’m in a personal situation and a woman asks if I like her ass or boobs. I play affectionately with them, but that’s about it really. Is this normal for other guys too, and how do I break my  lack of attraction to boobs or ass to my respective partner?

Everyone has their own preferences, so you’re certainly not alone.  

From your question, it doesn’t seem you’re repulsed by tits and ass – but they’re not what turns you on.  In that case, I wouldn’t tell a woman you’re NOT into those body parts.  It may make her feel bad (she’s probably used to being admired for them) and she probably enjoys having you touch them.  Instead, affirm they ARE hot, while complimenting her on what you’re really into:

“Yeah they’re sexy.  And you know what I think is really hot?  Your legs and belly.”  

When you find yourself noticing her legs and midriff, compliment her.  In time she’ll understand that’s what you’re into.  Continue to compliment her overall beauty also, so she knows you appreciate the whole package.

Edited: April 26th, 2012

Sex Tips From Porn Star Nina Hartley: How to Try Something New in the Bedroom

How do you ask your partner to try something new? Porn star Nina Hartley has some amazing communication sex tips.

Key Points:

- Talk when neither partner is upset, stressed, tired, etc.
- Bring it up when you’re not having sex, or right after (NOT right before!).
- Talk positively about wanting to add to the fun you’re already having (don’t tell them you’re frustrated and lacking something in the relationship).
- Be patient, willing to ease your partner in, and respect their boundaries. Compromise.
- “The more you make it fun for them, the more they’ll make it fun for you.”

And I’ll add:

- Be appreciative for WHATEVER they’re willing to try, whether its exactly what you want or just a small step. Thank them. When you’re daydreaming about it two days later, tell them how hot it was. Like animals, we respond to positive reinforcement, and will be more likely to do it again, or go further, if we feel our partner’s gratitude.

Edited: March 31st, 2012

Faking Female Orgasm: How to Tell Your Partner

Its a stereotype that women fake female orgasm, but some do. And once you start, its hard to stop.

Here’s what sex coach Billie Becker has to say about getting honest about faking female orgasm:

Start slowly with deep breaths. Mix in a gasp. Work your way to a moan. Wait for him to cum. Quiver and smile.

Faking it was easy.

I was a committed method actor and sex was like a porno casting call every time. Working my way down a checklist I would have “orgasms” on demand – without end.

I nailed the part.

Stop Faking Female Orgasm!

Stop Faking Female Orgasm!

It was easy to write off my bad behavior when I was younger – I didn’t know what orgasms were. I questioned myself, thinking “Maybe I am having one and I just can’t tell”.  If women came without question in porn, maybe they just liked sex more than I did.

But they don’t.

My first vibrator cleared away any doubt about what an orgasm felt like, but “faking it” had already went from a bad habit to a disease. Instead of dealing with my fatigue, hunger, or insecurity, I could just fake an orgasm and get on with it.

I had an “orgasm” every time we had sex, and my partner came to expect it. I couldn’t stop now, not without admitting I had lied. He would find out that we weren’t actually getting the job done, then he’d be crushed and I’d be totally embarrassed.

So I kept faking it… for years.

If you’re the one faking it:

Come clean.

Right now, admit to yourself that you’ve been dishonest. Take out a pencil and paper, and write down what you need to tell your partner. I recommend the following format.

• Use “I”, not “you”, statements. “I’ve been feeling ______, because I haven’t been honest with you.
• Keep it positive. Mention what did work or feel good. “I really appreciate when we”, “I enjoy this about it”.
• Explain yourself. “I wanted to make you feel good”, “I wanted our sex to be perfect”
• Take responsibility. “I realized that it was dishonest”
• Tell them what YOU are doing to make things better. “I’d like to use a vibrator, I think it’ll really help me”.

If you think your partner is faking it:

Stop it.

No really, stop it. When you’re focused on your partners orgasm, you’re bound to make things worse.

• Don’t set expectations by saying things like “I’m going to make you come”.
• Don’t ask if your partner came. By asking “Did I make you come” you’re setting them up to lie about it if they didn’t.
• Focus on asking questions that require specific feedback. Instead of asking “Yeah, do you like that?”, ask “Do you want it harder or softer?”, “What depth feels good?”, etc.

Edited: March 22nd, 2012

The Art of Sexual Communication: Combine Verbal Communication and Body Language

Use BOTH verbal communication and body language. Talking can be sexy, but sometimes NOT talking is even sexier.

Like many women, I enjoy being seduced. Sure, I want sex — sometimes I’ll come on to him physically or ask if he wants to play. But other times I want him to come on to me. It turns me on when he approaches me by softly touching and kissing my thighs and abdomen. Being seduced in MY way is the turn on — and you can’t exactly ask for seduction. I’ve tried. When I’m wanting is to be pursued, asking kills my desire.

Combine Verbal Communication and Body Language

Combine Verbal Communication and Body Language

Several weeks ago we laid naked in bed together talking. My legs were spread open and relaxed. He got up for a moment, caught a view of my pussy, and said, “When I see a pussy, I don’t think about putting my dick in it, I want to eat it.” And then he did.

From there, we figured out a way I can communicate my desires without vocalizing (and thereby ruining) them: using my body language to communicate instead of my voice. Since he wants to eat pussy when he sees it, its up to me to show him, and if he’s in the mood, he’ll do the rest.

We both work from home and often sit on couches facing one another. When I want him to come on to me, I sit or lay with my legs open so he can’t miss it. (It helps that I’m often working naked.) If he’s busy or not in the mood, he’ll ignore it, and after a few minutes I’ll get over it or go masturbate. Not the norm. More likely than not, he’ll come take the lead like I want him to. And I don’t have to say a word thanks to the magic of verbally negotiated body language.

Edited: February 4th, 2012

Communication Sex Tip: How to Change Your Sex Life Without Hurting Your Partner’s Feelings

Communication is the glue that holds relationships together, but its a delicate situation when one partner isn’t satisfying the other “in bed.”

Especially when its been YEARS of unsatisfying sex. Always better to communicate from Day 1, but if its too late for you, check out Em and Lo’s relationship advice. This doesn’t just go for how to eat pussy – use these communication techniques for ANY aspect of your sex life that isn’t going your way.

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I’m 21, he’s 28. He’s the only person to ever perform oral sex on me, so while I have no one to compare him too, I know that he is bad at oral sex. He pushes his entire face on my lady region and just moves side to side, as if that is supposed to feel good. He hardly uses his tongue and I don’t think he even understands he needs to focus on the clit. After 3 years, I have no idea how to tell him that he’s not doing it right. Help!?— Suffering in Silence

Dear SiS,

Oh dear. We’re tempted to tell you to dump this guy and start over with a new one, because it’s a million times harder to teach an old partner new tricks. This is in large part because there’s no easy way to say, “You’ve been screwing up for three years and I just never got around to telling you.” How would his ego ever recover from such a blow? How would he ever know to trust your sexual response in bed again? This is why we emphasize again and again and again the importance of communication in bed from the out-set — not to mention the importance of never faking.

But maybe he’s a good guy. Maybe you really love him. We’re going to assume you do, as there’s obviously a reason you stuck with him despite godawful oral. First off, it’s important that you lose the attitude (are we wrong in sensing a little attitude in the phrase as if that is supposed to feel good?). How on earth is he supposed to know what feels good if you never tell him? Maybe his last girlfriend didn’t like clitoral attention during oral (some ladies don’t) and that’s why he’s shying away from yours. Or maybe no woman has ever had the decency to tell him how to do it, which means he’s flailing away down there like a wind-up toy.

Once you’ve accepted that you’re as much, if not more, to blame as he is, you can start your gentle campaign to reeducate him. The next time he goes down on you,ask him — as if it’s a thought that just occurred to you — to focus on your clitoris. When he gets there, give him feedback — faster, slower, harder, softer, a little to the left, etc. And when he gets it right, go crazy with the positive feedback: moan, call his name, say yes, whatever works for you.The next time he goes down on you, offer a different specific suggestion of something he might try. Again, guide him gently and go nuts when he gets it right. Don’t try to change his entire approach in one session — after all, you’ve waited three years, what’s another few weeks?

Oh, and next time you’re going down on him, why not ask what he’d like you to do? Just in case, you know, he’s been suffering in silence for three years too. Kidding! (Sort of.)

– Em & Lo

Edited: January 30th, 2012

Sexual Communication: Changing Your Sexual Dynamic

Communicating about sex is not always easy.  Sometimes it leaves you arguing and crying until 3 in the morning.  Ask me how I know…

 

When one or both partners open up about sexual preferences they haven’t previously shared, it changes the dynamic of the relationship.  The same patterns you’ve had for months, or maybe years, may no longer work.  That’s a good thing – if one or both hasn’t been communicating, those patterns probably don’t work well anyway.

 

As a generalization, people don’t like change, even if they want a different outcome.  The process can be painful and emotional.  Ask me how I know.  When one or both partners wants something different in a major way, it probably won’t change immediately.  There may be conflict as you work together to re-shape your sexual relationship.

 

Knowing I have a strong, committed relationship gives me the strength to get through the more challenging times.  When we’re in sync, we’re in sync.  We’ll have the same ideas at the same time… its bizarre.  When we’re out of sync, it hurts.  Sex can bring us incredibly close or push us apart if one or both isn’t happy with how its going.

 

As difficult as it can sometimes be, in my experience its always better to communicate than not.  Ignoring your wants and needs will only create more tension.  Besides, I want to be loved and appreciated for myself – for who I am and what I want and need.  Changing your sexual dynamic is definitely a challenge worth taking.

Edited: November 3rd, 2011

Embodied Knowledge – The First Step to Communcation

I posit:

Communication = Knowledge + Safety

 

Good sex requires communication.  To communicate, you must know what you want and feel safe expressing it.  Today I’m writing about knowledge.

 

If your partner asked about sex, “What do you like?  What will bring you to orgasm?” would you be able to answer?  For years and years, my answer was no.  Sex happened to me.  Occasionally it was good, usually it was mediocre-to-bad.  I had no idea what I wanted.  I’d been masturbating since age 8, but it was typically a shameful act for me.  Most of them time (with a few important exceptions), I’d do it as fast as possible to avoid getting caught, and to avoid seeing myself as a sexual person.  Sexual feelings confused me because I felt like I wasn’t supposed to have them.  After all, look around you.  At the grocery store or the bank – do those people look like they have sex?  Asexuals aside, most everyone has sex (and even some asexuals will for their partners), but you rarely see “sex” in your average person.  We reserve that for porn stars and prostitutes that we simultaneously condemn – the good old sexual double standard.

 

When I was a teenager, I had my first orgasm with another person – my first serious boyfriend.  We were making out in my room – we’d only been together a few weeks or so (long time in teen land), and the sexual tension was ever present.  I laid on top of him while we made out, fully clothed, grinding my pussy against his crotch.  And I came.  He never knew – I didn’t tell him.  It happened a couple other times before I began holding back.  It wasn’t a conscious decision though it was certainly a decision, rooted in my discomfort with my own sexuality.  Later, when he fingered me or ate my pussy, I had nothing to say.  It didn’t feel that great and nothing he tried made much difference.  I’d cut off my own pleasure.

 

This pattern continued on and off through most of my sexual experiences.  Sometimes I’d be there and it’d be like my partner read my mind – everything “happened” so perfectly.  But most of the time it was awkward, boring, and uncomfortable.  I felt acted upon and had little sense that I could shape my own sexual experiences.  How could I say what I wanted when I didn’t even know?

 

I continued to masturbate, but almost the same way as in childhood.  I took care of it the same way I brushed my teeth – with little presence, feeling, or enjoyment.  Pure physical necessity/routine.

 

Over the last several years I took steps to free my sexuality.  I found a partner who is open minded and willing to play how I want to play.  I read books about the female anatomy and watched how-to videos for practical advice (thanks, Nina Hartley).  But nothing I read gave me the knowledge of what I wanted.  No one else could tell me, except me.  And certainly I was the only one who could tell my partner(s).  My boyfriend is good at feeling my sexual energy, but he’s no psychic.

 

I had a major breakthrough with T.A., my tantric teacher.  I met her about 6 weeks ago; she taught me (and a large group of others) how to eat fire.  That is, we created a small torch and put it out in our mouths.  Before doing so, we set an intention that eating this fire was to represent – something we wanted to create in our lives.  I wanted to consistently orgasm from oral sex with my boyfriend.  Its happened on occasion before, but through a combination of factors we were not able to make it a regular occurrence.  Rather, I was not able to make it happen.  Our typical practice became for me to masturbate as part of our sex together, and I was tired of allowing my personal sexual discomfort to limit the intimacy we shared together.  I knew I was physiologically able to orgasm this way, and that he was skilled enough with his mouth.  The problem was in my mind, while the anxiety was stored in my vagina like a knot in your shoulder.

 

We went through a series of exercises – she had me tell her my whole sexual story, from the first time I felt sexual until present.  She asked me what the little girl inside me needed to hear about sexuality to free my mental and physical blocks, then metaphorically acted as a mother teaching her child about the wonder of the human body.  She taught me breathing exercises to draw my sexual energy up into my entire body – also something to focus my mind away from anxious thoughts.  She massaged my g-spot like you would any other muscle, pressing on various places until the tension released.  She played with my clitoris and g-spot in a context where there was nowhere to go, no goal in mind, just play.  She asked me what I wanted for each spot she touched, and whether it was okay to touch in the first place.  And when my mind took over and removed me from my body, we stopped, just like that.  She helped me release my past sexual beliefs, showed me what my body was capable of, and helped me understand how much I am in control of my own sexual destiny (and sometimes being in control means surrendering to myself and my body).

 

Today I asked my boyfriend to play with my pussy.  And for the first time I knew what I wanted.  I asked him to make out with me, and I put his hands on my body where I wanted to be touched, when I wanted to be touched there.  I breathed the way T.A. taught me.  When he began exploring my pussy, it was a joint effort – he tried different moves with his fingers and mouth, and I told him to change this way or that.  I didn’t have an orgasm, but I wasn’t looking to have one anyway.  The orgasm doesn’t matter, the pleasure does.  And I felt it – because I co-created it with him.  I wasn’t comfortable enough to let go with her, but I know that I can with him.  And I will.

 

Intentions are powerful.  I intended to have an experience – to be fair, I still haven’t had it, but I’m on the journey to getting there.  The journey to the place where I understand it IS all about the journey, not the destination.  My sexual knowledge didn’t come from a book or DVD, though those certainly helped.  Before I could access what my body wants, I had to let go of and recreate the past – in both mind and body.  I had to release shame, guilt, embarrassment, anxiety, and pain to allow space for pleasure.  Knowledge is not in the mind.  Its in the heart.  Communication comes from the heart.

 

Edited: September 20th, 2011