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“I wish more girls were open and free…”

Question via Tumblr: Was more of a comment. Very impressed with your tutorial online about relationships and sex. I tweeted you last night. I wish more girls were open and free. So hard to find. I am in an industry where you would think it would be everywhere. Not so much now.

Thanks :)

Let me pose a question to you – if YOU wish girls were more ‘open and free’ – are YOU open and free? The vibe you put out tends to attract people of a similar mindset. If you are and you’re not getting anything in return, maybe you’re not looking in the right place. Or looking too hard. In my experience, the best relationships come when you’re just being yourself, doing your thing and not trying to force anything. Or perhaps on some level you’re not aware, you’re getting anxious or in your head and putting potential partners off. Maybe you’re being more closed off than you realize so you’re only attracting women who feel that way too. Observe yourself and watch how you behave and communicate around women you might be interested in, and you will probably notice how you’re fucking it up for yourself.

The most important thing I’ve learned in love & sex (which applies to virtually all areas of life) is that I am my own biggest impediment to getting what I want. And you are probably yours.

Edited: April 9th, 2014

“I just can’t seem to get a girlfriend!”

Question via Tumblr:

Is it a bad thing that I’m 22 and haven’t been in a relationship? I’m not a geek or shy around girls that I know and I’m not a virgin just can’t seem to get a gf! any advice?

Its certainly not a bad thing, its not that uncommon. A good friend of mine is 30 and very inexperienced with dating & relationships. It could be that you’re putting out a vibe around girls that you’re not aware of, putting yourself in the ‘friend zone’ or seeming like a creeper. Or it could be that you just haven’t met someone you gel with on that level.

The question I’d ask is – why do you want a girlfriend? Perhaps it seems obvious, but the more you know what you want and why, the easier it is to get. Are you looking for sex? Love? Fun & adventure? Intimacy? Companionship? How would having a girlfriend make you feel? Loved? Confident? Happy? Special? ”Like a man”? Do you want a serious committed relationship, or something more casual?

There’s no right or wrong answer. Everyone’s looking for something different, you just need to find someone who wants the same things you do right now. When you know what you want, you can filter out girls who are in the market for something else.

It can also help to learn more about what women (as a big generalization) find attractive. Though they’ve gotten a bad rap, some information put out by pick up artists is really useful to understand how women see men. For instance, if you’re always volunteering to go shopping with her because you think it’ll bring you closer – she may be more apt to see you as a friend and not a potential lover. If you’re obsessively thinking about how you want to stick your dick inside her when she’s around, she can probably pick up on it and may be put off. If you’re too excited when you call her, it may come across as needy or desperate. She may also be giving you cues to go for it that you don’t even notice, because you haven’t been taught to look for them. Books like The Game and The Mystery Method are good introductions.

Whether you follow the techniques or not, you’ll get a better idea of how you appear from a woman’s perspective. The key with women is to present yourself as a cool dude that she’d be lucky to be with. That you don’t NEED her, but it’ll make her life better to have you in it. It doesn’t mean changing who you are, it just means bringing out the awesome side of yourself – whatever that is (we’ve all got it). A girlfriend can never MAKE you confident, rather confidence will ATTRACT a girlfriend.

My husband dabbled in the pick up artist community right before he met me. He was never picking up chicks left and right like the guys in those books, but he understood where he’d gone wrong in the past. Of the early days when we were hanging out, he said he knew it’d happen – he just had to not fuck it up. What he learned was how to better read me and know when was (and was not) appropriate to make a move. I had a lot of walls up at the time, and had he not known better he may have taken it as a lack of interest and given up. I (subconsciously) tested him quite a bit, which – right or wrong – is common for women. Its how I knew he was a cool yet respectful guy – he hung around despite my occasional bitchiness, he put himself out there but didn’t push. When I was ready he kissed me and I literally climbed on top of him and fucked him that day. The rest is history.

We were both also looking for the same thing at the time – a good friend and fuck buddy with closeness but no commitment – and had personalities that matched up very well. (Obviously it evolved into much more.) That’s why the more you know what you’re looking for, it’ll be on your radar when an appropriate partner comes into your life. The rest is just sealing the deal, the social dynamics of which is both science and art. :)

Edited: May 24th, 2013

No Means No: Where Else Does Swinger’s Club Etiquette Apply?

I wouldn’t call myself a swinger, but my husband and I frequent swinger’s clubs and parties on occasion.

No matter where I go, there’s one main rule:

No means no.

We recently went to The Green Door in Las Vegas. We had two encounters with other couples, or rather – I did with the female partners.

Couple 1: I was laying on a bed while my husband licked my pussy. My eyes are closed, and when I opened them a dark skinned curvy woman was on the bed nearby, being fucked doggy style. We began making out and touching each other while my husband ate my pussy and her guy fucked her. Her guy reached down and touched my breast. I said, “Please don’t touch me,” as I continued to feel up his chick. A little while later I was on the other side of them, and touched her body while he continued to fuck her. I rubbed her ass, making her moan loudly, when he reached over and touched me again. I said, “Please don’t.” Shortly after, he came and they left. That was that.

Couple 2: Was sucking my husband’s dick when I looked up to see a couple sitting on a couch next to our bed. The guy commented something about our fucking and we start a conversation. Our work came up, of course, and my husband explained that I’m not interested in other guys, only chicks. I lay back for him to lick my pussy again, and he asked the very attractive female partner if she wanted to lick it instead. She came over, and her guy sat next to me on the bed. He asked, “Is it okay if I sit here?” I said, “Yeah, just don’t touch me.” To which he said, “Of course not.” She licked my pussy and fingered me while I sucked my husband’s dick, and sometime in the middle of all that her guy started fucking her pussy. I squirted. A great time was had by all, and we exchanged numbers for next time we’re in town.

As we drove back to the hotel, my husband said, “If we were ever to swap, I think I’d be cool with a couple like that.” I agreed.

Why? Respect. Men can be extremely impatient when it comes to sex, and in my opinion, restraint is VERY attractive. When my husband and I first hanging out, he kissed my cheek one night and I yelled about how I wasn’t going to make out with him. I wasn’t ready. He laughed and didn’t push it. I slept on his couch that night, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he told me he sleeps naked…I fantasized about coming into his bedroom, but I didn’t. I wasn’t ready. But two nights later I went over to his house, fucked him, and the rest is history.

Men don’t realize: if they’d just calm the fuck down, they’d “get” way more pussy. Sometimes women play hard to get, but if she’s not showing any interest in you – no probably means no.

Edited: July 8th, 2012