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I Gotted What I Wanted

2 nights ago I wrote about desiring to be seen.

Last night I was.  

This is the odd way (some) things seem to happen lately.  I feel a desire.  I let it be. And shortly thereafter it happens to find its way into my life, without my explicitly trying.  It doesn’t happen all the time or for all of my wants.  It seems to happen the most when I’m calm and relaxed, when I allow myself to deeply feel my craving without judging or getting upset that I don’t have it.  When I accept that its not here but believe on some level that at some point it will be here.  

Writing this, it sounds a lot like what people call the law of attraction.  Whether that’s legit or not, all I know is my experience.  Which is…

We were on the show last night.  Well I was (via Skype), and Terry came in the room at some point and joined me.  Even though I was with them virtually, I still had to get naked.  Well I didn’t HAVE to, its just a tradition that most people who come on the show get undressed to some degree.  I took my top off when we did “shots” that involved Terry licking salt off my boob (and I reciprocated, hah… though the shots were with water because we don’t drink much).  And then Dr. Suzy asked us to give a demonstration of some of my fetish work… which would have been smart if I had him lick my armpits and stuff since the aim of going on these shows is to promote my website, but at the time I wanted him to slap me and be rough with me so I went with that.  He slapped and choked and spanked me, just for a couple minutes, as I screamed and laughed both at the sensation and at hearing Dr. Suzy’s commentary on our actions in the background.  A good time was had by all.

After the show ended, we hung out on the couch talking.  We were both aroused from what we had just done, and he said he wanted to do my butt.  I said cool, though I had also been thinking about something else…  Which was something we’ve been into lately that we keep totally private so I won’t go into details.  I get nervous about this thing sometimes, but we both like it so I’ve been getting more comfortable bringing it up.  & I said hows about we do both.  

So we did the thing and it made my pussy so wet it completely soaked through my hot pink booty shorts, that is, until they came off.  I was VERY aroused, though sensation was kind of dampened, as happens sometimes when I’m nervous, but I still enjoyed myself.  A LOT.

And then we did the butt sex.  And I used my vibrator.  Which was awesome.  He slapped me and spanked me and spit on me, all the (not so) nice things I like.  At one point he accidentally hit me in the eye and I started crying for real out of shock, and he immediately stopped to ask what was wrong and hug me with his dick still in my butthole.  Real life sex has its lovely awkwardness that you don’t see in porn and romantic movies.  As soon as I was okay, we kept going til he cummed all up in my mouth.  As per usual.  Which was nice.

And after that Terry asked if I wanted him to finger me, which I’ve been into a lot lately.  This is a thing I get nervous to ask for even though I know he’ll say yes, so in the moment it made me happy that he offered.   I may not have asked otherwise because sometimes the anxiety of asking is so high that it disconnects me from my desire, so even if he says yes and does it, my body is no longer into it (this is the ‘sexual anorexia’ impeding what I want).  So I appreciated him offering because it saved me the internal struggle.

I was already super turned on from everything else we’d been doing, plus him asking if I wanted his fingers.  He fingered me while I rubbed my clit with my fingers and my vibrator.  And I got REALLY into it.  To the point where I was squirming and making weird noises and was so into the sensations in my body I forgot about anything else.  I was totally present and in the moment.  And even more, he wasn’t really doing that much to me.  I was the one fucking him, sliding my pussy up and down his fingers, angling my hips in different ways to feel him touch different parts of my insides.  It was 85% me.  That rarely happens.  And I’d like more of it.

In the midst of all this, was my desire I wrote about the other day: to be seen in my own eroticism, in my sexuality, as me, just me.  I was so enveloped in the pleasure my eyes were closed, but occasionally I would open them.  And every time I did, the first thing I saw were his eyes.  Completely focused on me.  Intensely watching me.  Taking me in.  As if me and my pussy were the only things that mattered in the world in that very moment.  

I was seen.

Despite all my fears, here is what did not happen:  I did not die.  I was not embarrassed.  I was not ashamed.  I was not overwhelmed.  I did not feel judged.  I did not cry.  I did not hide.  I did not stop.

Here is what did happen:  I felt alive.  I felt beautiful.  I felt that I mattered.  I felt connected.  I got turned on even more.  I kept going.  And when I wanted his fingers to do something different, I told him.  And he did it.  And I enjoyed it.  I REALLY FUCKING ENJOYED IT.  

It was so simple and yet I lack the words for just how profound it felt to me in the moment, and even still thinking about it now.  I hadn’t even told Terry yet my thoughts about that lap dance class, though I’d planned on it and have since.  Its not as if he completely knew what I wanted and gave it to me.  Nor could he really – I mean he could look at me, but I would have to allow myself to be seen to experience my desire.  I spent much of my childhood feeling invisible, trying hard not to be seen.  It takes far more than a flip of a switch for me to fully relax and open up.  My point being, I could never have MADE this happen.  In fact, any efforts in TRYING to be open only seem to shut it all down, to push my desires further away.

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

It just happened organically.  

It was not the first time something like this has occurred, either.

It makes me wonder if perhaps life is much more simple then we make it out to be.  

Edited: August 11th, 2014

The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

Reminds me of comedian Rob Delaney, who has a hilarious special on Netflix where he proudly declares that even after years together, “I still want to have sex with my wife!” To which he adds the caveat, “I also want to have sex with you, and you, and you…”

Edited: February 23rd, 2014

My Sexuality is Ruining My Marriage – How Can I Change My Desires?

Reader Question:

I need advise on how to curb my desires for my wife. She’s a wonderful women and I deeply love her. The problem of me wanting more than she can give. I can’t stop wanting her the ways that I do and I desires her and only her. The desire causes problems in our sex life, which in turn causes problems in our marriage.

The only option of fixing this is to help me not want these things than to change her to want them. I would like oral sex and to perform it as she doesn’t like either, I want anal sex to be part of our sex life, for her to be a bit slutty in bed, her to touch herself and pleasure herself, let down her wall and go wild, be naughty outside the comfort of the house…maybe flash every now and again when nobody is looking. These things are always brought up and never done.

What can this guy do, and how can he save his marriage?

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Edited: June 10th, 2013

What’s Your Deepest Desire?

Lately I’ve been thinking about desire… that feeling of wanting. Craving things, people, experiences that aren’t currently here. Now.

And I thought of a quote by poet Rumi, “The longing is the answer.”

Its so easy to get down on ourselves and our lives when we don’t have what we want. But it always happens: when we get there, we start wanting something ELSE!

Is the answer to stop desiring altogether? Well that doesn’t sound like fun. But you know, what makes an orgasm great isn’t simply getting off. Its the build up. The anticipation. The pleasure along the way is not only what leads to the orgasm – its half the enjoyment!

What do YOU desire? Really, really, reeeaaallllyyy crave? What does it feel like? And why is that feeling important if you want to actually get it?

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Edited: June 1st, 2013

Take Your Sexual Temperature

via sex educator Amy Jo Goddard:

Sometimes you get so stuck sexually and you are so used to feeling stuck, you have no way to gauge how or why.

I see this a lot with new sex coaching clients and prospects. If a woman has gotten far enough in her process to call me, she at least has some sense that her sexuality needs attention. Sometimes that’s as much as she knows. Figuring out the way into it or how to break it down feels hard and the whole of her sexual issues becomes a series of symptoms with vague ideas of the root causes.

I recently spoke to a woman who described her sexuality as a ball with no handles that just rolls and rolls and she doesn’t know where or how to get a grip on it. I think many people feel this way about sexuality because it’s so big and so many potential issues come up that they do not know where to begin.

You can start by taking your own sexual temperature, so to speak. Look at the various key aspects of your sexuality and if you could literally take your temperature, how would the mercury rise and fall?

Your Sexual Temperature Key:

COLD: Totally shut down, not happening, needs life-support now!
LUKEWARM: On life-support, barely keeping its pulse but trying to survive.
WARM: Things are moving a bit, maybe slowly, maybe not all in the best direction, but there is motion and a will to be in a more healthy place. Throw me a blanket.
SEXUAL HOMEOSTASIS: Functioning optimally, this part feels healthy and balanced, in a place of “normalcy”. Right on target.
OVERHEATED: Overall, functioning well and with a lot of energy, but energy is a bit out-of-balance.
FEVER: Manic functioning or over-indulgence in this area. Need to reconnect to self and rebalance. Way off your center.

What are areas of your sexuality where you could apply this? There are many aspects of your sexuality that you want to check in with regularly. For starters, do a temperature check on these seven:

- Your sexual body and how you are feeling in your body
- Your level of pleasure and joy, both emotional and physical
- Your desire and attraction, both the quality and level
- Your radiance and excitement-are you glowing daily?
- Your intimate relationships, with self and/or with partners and lovers
- Your energy level, overall and sexually
- Your sexual and creative expression

What next? Click here for Amy Jo’s prescription for a happier, more fulfilling, satisfying and pleasurable sex life.

Edited: December 8th, 2012

What Happened to Her Sex Drive?

I got several articles in my inbox this week with the same story: She used to want sex in the beginning, now she doesn’t. What’s a guy to do?

Well, don’t make her sign a sex contract. That’ll kill anybody’s libido.

First, understand where she may be coming from. There are many reasons for a low sex drive that guys don’t realize.

Next, talk to her about it! If she doesn’t want sex, there’s something going on with her and/or your relationship. Low sex drive is often a symptom, not the problem.

Edited: January 18th, 2012