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Learning to Give a Lap Dance

My pole fitness studio had a lap dance striptease class last night. I had $20 and no plans from 7:30-9 so I figured why not?

Its really more than that though (as it often is with me). This may seem silly, but I have always wanted to give a guy a lap dance, and the thought both arouses and scares me. I mean that makes sense for a regular woman. Most the women in class were nervous. But one might think because I am a sex worker and I make videos showing off my body it would be no big deal – so what’s the difference?

For starters, its ME who wants to give the lap dance. Terry would enjoy it but if I never ever did it during our lifetime together, he probably would die just as happy. I find it far far far easier to initiate something that we both want or that’s more for him, than something that’s mostly about me. That’s the one of the primary anxieties I experience as a “sexual anorexic.”

Porn has been surprisingly easy in this sense. Almost everything on my site has come from other people’s suggestions. If its something I’m comfortable trying, I do it. If people like it, I make more. A few years of doing this helped me discover certain fetishes I personally enjoy – mostly centered around body worship (feet, armpits, butt, mouth). Though I play the domme in some of my videos, I’m really much more submissive. Taking others ideas and enacting them is more an expression of my submissive side, even if I’m acting dominant. And I love my porn experience for that. Its given me various spaces to play and explore.

But I’ve come up against something that porn can’t help me with (and hopefully therapy can) – which is owning the desires I have, that are purely mine. It feels raw. It feels vulnerable. It feels exposed. It feels more naked than my nude body being all over the internet.

Which brings me to reason #2 for my anxiety – is that giving a lap dance highlights my body, my sensuality, and my sexuality. It is on display. In the open. To be seen – and only seen. Not touched, not acting, not roleplaying, simply being seen in my eroticism. In my desire to move my body in ways that feel sensual and feminine, in my desire to turn him on because I want him aroused. And because I want me aroused. Maybe that’s the scariest thing of all.

The sensuality of a lap dance is more than doing a set of moves, which we practiced tonight amidst much laughter and joking. Its my inner sex goddess, as my more new agey friends would say, that I yearn to connect with.

I came home and Terry was asleep on the couch. I don’t think I’m giving any lap dances tonight. And that’s okay because I’m not ready yet. But I had a good time and I’m glad I went!

Edited: August 9th, 2014

Why Do Guys Share Their Fantasies Online?

Question via Tumblr: Why do you think that many guys write out their fantasies and post them online? I don`t understand the logic or motivation behind it.

I’m curious about in what setting you’re talking about – where are you seeing guys post their fantasies?

But wherever it is, I think most people have a deep desire to share the sexual part of themselves. A lot of people (regardless of gender) are too scared to be that real with their partners if they have one. Or they’ve tried unsuccessfully and don’t want to face judgment or rejection again. So the internet provides an anonymous outlet and in certain places like fetish forums – others who understand and validate their fantasies.

I think its great when people find a place to express themselves. I also think its much more satisfying when we can do it in person, with a real human being who cares about our wants and needs. But that’s not an option for everyone (or perhaps not yet) so the internet fulfills that in part.

Edited: March 31st, 2014

We Don’t Ask for Our Desires…

… so we may as well get friendly with them.

Even if they’re weird, humiliating, or violent (so long as nobody REALLY gets hurt).

Here’s what self-defined feminist, Emily, has to say about her fantasies (many of which overlap my own interests):

I consider myself to err on the side of sexual submission. I have never been into the performative aspects of it all — I am not some weird sex LARPer who wants to wear costumes and address each other as “Master” and “Slave.” I don’t want to go to special events, I shouldn’t have to wear pleather just to get it done, and I don’t want to “play.” I want to have weird sex with weird people who like weird things, like an adult.

Some of those weird things that I like include: rough breast play including slapping, clothespins and ropes; name-calling of the slut-bitch-whore variety; forced deepthroating; facials; “Daddy” talk; rape play; spanking; dirty talk; hair-pulling; group sex; anal; and basically anything else filthy/nasty/taboo/found in your average pornographic video. Also, and here’s the stuff that’s more for special occasions and that I don’t want to admit on a site for ladies: being slapped, being spit on, being choked, being urinated on.

I don’t begrudge anyone their role as captain of their own sexual steamship. Desire is complicated and tricky to regulate — I don’t think I could stop being turned on by being treated “badly” any easier than a gay man could suddenly start being attracted to women. I might prefer that my big controversial sex preferences involved whipped cream or whatever instead of wanting to be slapped in the face during intercourse, but that is not the hand I was dealt.

We all, male and female, live in a world where a wider range of sexual activity is visible and accessible to us. As long as we keep consent, respect and common courtesy top of mind, that fact in itself doesn’t have to hurt anybody.

Sometimes I hear women say that by engaging in “politically incorrect” sex, we are sending a message to men that all women want to be treated in such a manner. But consensual sexual activity, even if it resembles some nonconsual sexual activity, isn’t rape any more than movie murder is real murder. And while some people certainly think we should eliminate movie violence lest it drive the easily influenced to commit violent acts, we’re not talking about movies here. We’re talking about people. And you can’t eliminate people or ask them to eliminate parts of themselves, no matter how messy or unappealing their desires may seem to you.

Since we can’t erase reality, we better start dealing in nuance.

Getting slapped and called a slut because it turns me on and I’ve asked for it is not abuse. The men who want to do that are not abusers; in fact a lot of them are some of the nicest and most respectful men I’ve met outside of the bedroom. Rape play and rape are never going to be the same thing. And pretending that the two are similar is actually way more confusing and dangerous than clearly differentiating them.

If our men truly can’t tell the difference between hurting, abusing and degrading a woman, and participating in consensual play utilizing some of these elements, then the problem lies with them and sexual education in our society, not with those temptingly rape-able women who enjoy rough play.

If you are still confused, consider this: After we’re done, when I’m spent from being used, being told I’m a filthy whore as you hold me down or toss me around or hit me if those are the boundaries we’ve agreed upon, when I’m covered in saliva and sweat and bodily fluids, look at my face. I will be smiling.

That’s the difference.

Edited: March 12th, 2014

Do Fantasies Help or Hurt?

I generally say its great for people to enjoy their fantasies so long as nobody gets hurt. Generally that’s pretty obvious. If anyone ends up in the hospital, its probably a no-go. But psychological hurt is harder to define. Especially when its our OWN psychologies. Can we hurt ourselves through our fantasies?

Sometimes.

Sometimes fantasies are just ways we play out the same old patterns that have caused us pain and disappointment throughout our entire lives. Kind of like a guy who’s been divorced 5 times. If it didn’t work in marriage 1-4, why would #5 be any different? Sure people change, but without making a conscious effort, chances are the problem was never really the wife. The problem is the guy picking the same woman over and over. His picker is off. Because in some way, that woman is familiar, comforting, and attractive to him. But seeking a new one won’t fix why he keeps choosing someone who’s not right for him.

When is indulging in our fantasies helpful, and when it it harmful? How can fantasies fuel personal growth, or how can they cripple us? Where’s the line?

That’s something only you can know. And sometimes you’ll bang your head against the wall 263 times before you realize – the wall fucking hurts! And you’ll pull your head away to notice that fluffy pillow on the couch is a much softer place to rest your noggin…

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Edited: February 20th, 2014

Is It Okay to Have Taboo Fantasies?

Today talking about a reader’s question about his taboo fantasies…

Is it normal to fantasize about younger girls? I would never actualy do any thing with someone under eighteen but I sometimes fantasize about being with a teen and I was wondering if this was normal.

It may not be socially acceptable, but its definitely not abnormal…

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Edited: February 7th, 2014

Is Fantasy Better Than Reality?

I often encourage you to explore your fantasies… but some of them are left better in our minds than in reality.

Today I talk about a listener’s situation. He and his wife decided to try a cuckold fantasy, and he really enjoyed watching her get fucked by another guy. But she wants to keep going… and has had sex with her new ‘friend’ again… and simply put, her husband is not cool with it.

So where do they go from here? Whether this situation resonates with you, or there’s some other fantasy you want to try – you’ll learn exactly how to explore your desires without compromising your relationship!

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Edited: November 23rd, 2013

Your Sexual Preference Is Not Normal… And That’s a Good Thing

Guiding a person to realizing a healthier sense of sexuality comes down to helping one feel good about being sexually unique. It involves diffusing people’s worries about something potentially being wrong with them. It is grounded in challenging one’s ideas of what society views as normal versus abnormal, especially since these views are always changing.

“Abnormal” and “normal” are dirty words when it comes to sexuality, given the judgment they invite. They also tend to make our concepts and understandings around sexual matters very black and white instead of allowing us to embrace all of the shades of gray. The end result: people come away distressed, feeling like their sexual wants, behaviors and desires are freaky, bizarre, disturbing, and weird.

When it comes to realizing your full sexual potential and maximizing your pleasuring, the focus cannot and should not focus on being the “average” Joe—on being a supposed “normal.” Being in a sexually healthy place needs to involve exploring one’s sexual attitudes, values and behaviors, recognizing that one’s sexuality is highly individual and that every sex life is wonderfully unique.

Read more

Edited: September 29th, 2013

Family Love: Taboo Attractions

I got a couple emails recently on the same subject – adults having sexual feelings for family members.

Its taboo, but its actually pretty common:

Email #1:

My question is about my cousin and me; she is 60 and I am 48. We are very close, but last year I made her mad, she had told me not to tell my brother that I was going to visit her, since we just wanted to relax and when ever he comes down with me, she can’t seem to relax because he is always a pain. Anyway, she lives about 8 hours away from me. At one point, she had asked me not to say anything to him and each time I did tell him. Well finally she got mad and told me over the phone, that she was going to beat my butt. At first I thought she was joking, but she told me, “Oh no, I am not kidding with you at all, you just know when you come down here I am going to beat your butt good.” Myself, being a spanko [person with a spanking fetish] (don’t know if she knows that or not, but she and I always talk about spanking) I told her on the phone, that I was wrong and should not have told him, so then I said, “You can blister my bottom good and really wear my bottom out!” And she said, “OK, then you can count on it. I should have beaten your ass the last time you were here.”

My question is, do you think she is a spanko? I was thinking about sending her an email asking her to hold me accountable and blister my bottom for the last time on my next visit? What do you think? We are first cousins, but I don’t want to embarrass either one of us. But she did tell me she was going to beat my butt and told me she was not kidding, and then about 6 months later when I was going to visit her, she told me that she would beat my butt if I told him of my visit this time. Due to the last visit, I never ended up where I could visit her. Should I send this or not?

In my opinion she is a SPANKO; I find it hard to think that an adult cousin would tell her other cousin that she is going to beat his butt. She is more domineering.

Email #2:

I am 20 years old, and attracted to my 55 year old aunt since I was 16. I was 14-15 years old when I began to like big butt women, then somehow I realised that my aunt had a sexy booty butt. So I began to watch her butt shaking while she moves and stroke my cock looking at her butt when she was busy with something. I felt really ashamed but also like it so much. Later I began to like her feet too, I have a big foot fetish. I used to touch her feet and cum on her soles while she was asleep. She is also a kittenish person, she used to kiss my lips, or often sat on my laps. These acts that she did also increased my fantasy about her. I am single and she is maried with 2 children who are also older than me. Sometimes I think of begining a sexual interaction, like telling her my desires about her or just suddenly kissing her or touching her body. But then I fear maybe she doesn’t feel the same way. Also my family never accepts such a relation. But I can’t stop myself, I’m so attracted to her. What should I do?

What should these guys do? I’m not an expert on this – but I discovered there is an internet community of consenting adults who engage in incest relationships… Check out these links for more info:

Forbidden love: Can sex between close relatives ever be acceptable?
The Law on “Consensual” Incest
Genetic Sexual Attraction

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Edited: July 30th, 2013

Obsessive Fantasies About My Sister-In-Law

Ever want someone you can’t have? Perhaps take it a bit too far? Maybe you can relate to this guy’s situation:

Over the past two years I have developed kind of an unhealthy obsession with my sis-in-law. I’ve always been attracted to her, but it’s gotten to a point where I share G-rated pics of her with guys online and jerk off with them while we say anything we want about her. Just wondering what your thoughts might be on this. I have been spending way too much time doing this, and not sure it’s entirely healthy for me.

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Edited: July 23rd, 2013

Taboo Fantasies – How Do I Explain it to My Partner?

Question via Tumblr:

My deepest fantasy has always been to watch a girl poop naturally in the toilet. No scat play, I only want to watch the girl relieve herself. How do I explain this to a girl without her getting creeped out? Figured I’d ask you because you specialize in fart videos (which I also like).

From what I’ve heard of this fantasy, its something experienced either with a dominatrix or in a long-term committed relationship with very open minded partners. The reason being our bathroom norms are very deeply embedded from an early age. Not only do most people not consider it sexual and find it gross, its also hard for most of us to go to the bathroom around others. Ever get ‘pee shy’?

I know a girl who was contacted about working for a scat website ran by Ira Isaacs (who has now been sentenced to prison for 4 years on obscenity charges – ridiculous IMO). She was offered a large sum of money to go #2 and (I think) use dildos in her ass after. She was considering it and went down to try it out. She had to go, but it wouldn’t come out. Anxiety gives us a ‘tight ass’ – not just in attitude, but physiologically too.

I don’t say this to discourage you, but to help you imagine what its like to be in your ideal partner’s place. In my opinion, this isn’t a first date topic of conversation, but something that could develop if you and your partner have an established relationship of trust & communication. The fact that you only want to watch works in your favor – because its simply observing something she’s already doing and doesn’t require she get directly involved in it. If you had a 2 Girls 1 Cup fantasy – that would be MUCH harder to make happen. Though anything is possible.

While going to the bathroom doesn’t turn me on, if my husband wanted to watch me I’d probably let him… but it would take some getting used to.

I’d suggest you focus on learning how to communicate well & have a happy relationship. If you already have someone, it will make it even better. If not, you’ll find someone you get along with one a sexual level in general – and can go deeper from there.

Check out these blogs & podcasts:

Toilet Fetishes – Where Taboo Meets Turn On

Let’s Talk About Sex: How a Real Life Couple Communicates About Sex

Turning Fantasy Into Reality

How to Bring Out a Woman’s Dirty Side

How to Have a Happy Relationship

Edited: June 20th, 2013

So I have This Fantasy…: The Psychology of Humiliation

My fantasy is for Terry to look at me naked, molest me with his eyes. Then with his hands, nose and mouth. Take me all in.

And then fuck me. Hard. And soft. And hard. And soft. Changing it up so I don’t know what’s coming next.

While calling me names. Saying aloud my greatest fears, the worst things I could hear. That in any other circumstance I’d want to punch him, but would more likely burst into tears and curl up in the fetal position on the floor of my closet with the door closed behind me.

Things like: Stupid. Ugly. Bitch. Worthless. Telling me he doesn’t love me. Among other things I may only ever share with him.

“So you want me to fuck the ego out of you?” he asked when I told him this fantasy.

Sex can be as therapeutic as it is pleasurable. I expect I’ll cry. I want to cry. A cathartic release. Giving me a safe space to emotionally confront the bullshit those words trigger in me. Turning a painful experience into a pleasurable one, or is it vice versa?

When kids used to make fun of me at school for being so shy (they’d ask me if I even knew how to talk) – my mom would say, “Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you.” She was right. Words are only a collection of sounds. They’re only a tool to communicate and understand our experience. They have no inherent value or meaning.

But she was also wrong.

The words hurt when we let them, and we often allow it. Because the words of others really arouse feelings we have about ourselves. If we heal the bruising underneath the words, they have far less power over us.

Hearing Terry say these things to me, a man who’s been crazy about me from day one, feels like a gift. One I can give him – my complete and total vulnerability. The element of my personality (& sexuality) he loves so much – my willingness to just GO THERE, feel ridiculous and see what happens. The part of me that he’s helped bring out, that’s been growing in readiness to take off on its own.

So more importantly, its a gift to myself. I want to be mentally broken. These fears, though far less than they used to, occupy more of my energy than they deserve. Than I deserve. I want to stop TRYING to hide from them. To call them forth and be there with whatever it feels like…and even to make it feel GOOD. Avoiding pain is usually more painful than just going for it. I can slowly peel off the bandaid, dip my toe in the pool – or yank it off and dive right in. I feel ready for a bandage-free swim.

We’ll see how it goes…

Edited: March 29th, 2013

Lolita Style – Fashion or Fetish?

<h2>I recently did a porn shoot dressed in what’s called <b><i>Lolita fashion</b></i>.</h2>

 

Kelsey Obsession in Lolita Dress

Kelsey Obsession in Lolita Dress

This style is popular among young women in Japan.  Lolita fashion is somewhat controversial because – its adult women dressing like little girls – and somehow that means they’re appealing to pedophiles. Never mind they’re fully grown adults. These are not underage prepubescent children whose mothers dressed them. They’re adult women who chose these clothes themselves. Aside from those considering themselves asexual, women are sexual beings.  Thus, the women who put on these outfits – I’ll call them Lolitas – are sexual too. But last I checked, people who are sexually aroused by children are indeed looking for children. Not grown women.  Just like the adult baby fetish/lifestyle isn’t about babies.

From my understanding, the community largely tries to divorce itself from sexuality due to claims of pedophilia. But realistically, I can’t believe sexuality doesn’t come into play in SOME way – much like for furries. Furry fandom is a subculture of people who relate better to animals than people. Sometimes they dress up like animals in ‘fur suits.’ If someone sees themselves as a furry  and they’re are a sexual person – wouldn’t it make sense that identity would be part of their sexuality too? I once met a furry (in plain clothes) who told me that it wasn’t ABOUT sex, but sex can certainly be part of it. I can’t imagine Lolita culture is that different.

 

Furry Convention

Furry Convention

But of course, not everyone wants to display their sexuality so publicly. That’s fine. But I do!

I posted some pictures on Tumblr and tagged them with Lolita-related terms. Why? Because I’m people who are attracted to Lolitas probably search for it on Tumblr. Its called marketing. While they’re probably NOT appealing to pedophiles, there are undoubtedly guys (and girls like me) who are sexually attracted to Lolitas. I imagine Lolitas must date and have relationships – its their boyfriends (or girlfriends) who would be looking for my content! Just like BBW Nicole’s boyfriend told me, the first thing he ever did on the internet was search for ‘fat girl porn.’ Shocking. Furthermore, if men with pedophiliac fantasies ARE searching for Lolita fashion pics – if their desires can be quenched by grown women dressed youthfully, wouldn’t that be better than creeping on pics of kids in bathing suits online? (Be careful what you post, parents.)

I received several angry messages from – presumably – women in this virtual community.  All anomymously, of course.  When I replied that they can block NSFW blogs like mine from their timelines, I received a response back that said:

IT’S NOT THE FACT THAT YOUR IMAGE IS NSFW, It’s the fact that this fashion has be continuously mislabeled by people like yourself to represent a sexual thing! We are constantly having to correct people about the style not having anything to do with sex! Your image is further mislabeling our style because you decided to make it sexual and further misleading people while you yourself, have no actual knowledge of the clothing or it’s history!

I’m not sure where the writer is from, but I live in a country of free expression. I purchased my dress online like anyone else. I was not required to sign an agreement not to use this clothing in a sexual context. Nor does one need to have knowledge of a style to wear it (though I follow several Lolita blogs and am somewhat familiar with the culture). Fashion is like art – it changes with context and continually evolves. There are no rules. I don’t represent anyone but me. And this is how I choose to express myself.

I am an almost 30 year-old woman. I enjoy playing dress up. In the same way I like getting ready for raves, applying brightly colored makeup and glitter, carefully choosing my slutty outfit and putting on my leash and collar (which I often wear at parties). Just like senior prom, getting ready is half the fun.

It could be called fetishistic, being a “girly girl,” or a sexualized form of cosplay.  It doesn’t matter. I just plain like it. I even wore the outfit eating dinner with our neighbors after the shoot.

Yet of course, it is sexual – for me. In the realm of what’s called ‘age play.’ Actually ACTING childish can be part of it, but isn’t necessary and wasn’t a big part of the shoot. I enjoy the mental turn on of being a young inexperienced yet naturally dirty girlwho may want some guidance from an older guy. It probably comes from feeling sexual at a young age yet being very confused and scared of it. Sometimes I fantasize Terry is some older teenage neighbor who gives me a safe space to explore my body.  I’ve never been molested and do not endorse adult-chlid sexual relations (though its ‘normal’ in some cultures like in Paupa New Guinea). Its called a fantasy.  Similar, in some ways, to the adult baby ‘fetish’/lifestyle. I got very into the role, and it was my favorite shoot so far.

I find this fascinating.  I get that Lolitas feel the need to defend their form self-expression. Yet trying to police MY form of expression so they can have theirs is beyond ironic.  Telling me not to use certain tags, post pictures, or even wear the clothes altogether.  I’d imagine people say the exact same to them all the time.

We’re either free to be or we aren’t. Can’t have it both ways. There’s a lot on the internet I don’t like.  Neo Nazi websites, gay-bashing sites, pro ana sites, not to mention a wealth of poorly produced porn I find horribly distasteful. Yet they exist under the same freedom as does this site.  So I choose not to look at content I don’t want to see.

I understand what its like to be judged. I get shit all the time about my choices. Strangers on the internet, people I know, even some very close to me. Behind my back and right to my face. I could complain about how nobody respects sex work, whine about how they should change their perspective or behavior – but I have no power over them. Their words may sting, sometimes downright hurt, but that comes with choices others don’t understand. I’m fortunate to have people in my life who get me and support what I do. I can’t change anyone. All I can do is grow to the point where their words have less impact.

I’m a lot happier being me, despite the shit sometimes hurled my way. And the more secure I am in myself, the less I even notice it. As long as nobody’s well-being is harmed, as long as we’re preserving others’ ability to be free in their way, I always say: have at it.

Edited: March 10th, 2013

Why Do I Have Different Fantasies When I’m Tired?

Sex Question Via Tumblr: Any chance you can help explain why it is everytime I’m super tired, I fantasize about the same gender more?

My Response:

When I’m tired, I gravitate toward dirtier & kinkier fantasies. When we’re tired, our sex drives can be lower but we still have sexual needs. So the fantasy can fill the gap in your physical energy with a mental idea.

If you don’t otherwise fantasize about the same sex, sounds like this is a kinky or ‘taboo’ fantasy for you to help your body do the trick. You may or may not otherwise desire the same sex – not all of our fantasies are experiences we want in “real life.”

Edited: February 8th, 2013

The Feminist No-No: Rape Fantasies

I’ve had rape fantasies for years.

I have never been raped.
I have no desire to actually be raped.

But I do fantasize about someone (usually whoever I’m fucking at the moment, so now that would be Terry) completely taking control over me. In my fantasies, the arousal is intertwined with a what’s-gonna-happen next sense of uncertainty and a deep trust for the person that’s raping me. That they’re going to fuck me and I’m going to love it, and they won’t hurt me.

In My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies, Nancy Friday says:

You don’t have to be a psychiatrist to understand that for some women who never reach an orgasm, it may have to do with their fear of letting go, fear of the helplessness, the lack of control, that goes with orgasm… And for some women – especially highly independent, self-contained women… – the loss of control must be terrifying, the experience of orgasm impossible without, and synonymous with, the terror. (151)

I’ve had orgasms from masturbation since age 8 or 9, but only a few times from someone else stimulating me. So to have someone ‘take me,’ to force me to enjoy sex – ideally to orgasm – is very arousing.

And not uncommon.

Edited: January 9th, 2013

The Psychological Origin of Fantasy

Often sexual fantasy emerges from situations or feelings we experience in life, whether sexually or non-sexually.

Many balloon fetishists remember an early fondness for balloons at birthday parties. A man caught masturbating as a child enjoys masturbation instruction videos, that make him feel ‘okay’ about jerking off. A power hungry CEO craves wearing a diaper and being changed, to completely give up the control he’s accustomed to.

The psychological origin of our fantasies doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them or us, even if our fantasies emerged from something not-so-great in our lives. Fantasy can be a way of dealing with it, and even when the original pain or trauma has subsided, we can still enjoy the fantasy as just that – fantasy.

I spent most my life trying to fit myself into a mold made by others, consciously cutting off parts of myself that didn’t fit. One could say I have “power issues.” There is a very dominant part of me – a woman who wants to be in charge, to tell people what to do, to have them obey, and sometimes to punish when they don’t – probably because I felt powerless much of my life. Because my wants and needs were never at the forefront of my life, and now I want to demand them.

At the same time, I have a VERY submissive side. This can sometimes be seen on camera, though I more often express this at home. I’m used to doing what people tell me, though I hate it in “real life,” a part of me eroticizes it. Submitting without having to think, without having to assert myself, simply receiving whatever comes. So instead of living my WHOLE life based on others’ desires, I express this need through a portion of my sexuality. I have extremely submissive fantasies sometimes, and when the time is right, I will do almost anything Terry wants.

When I enact these ‘power issues’ in my sexuality, the rest of my life seems to go much more smoothly. I’m less bitchy, because I have people listening to me, and I can express my opinions in a more socially conducive way. I stand up for myself more, because I have a space where I don’t have to stand up at all.

When I downplay the dom/sub aspect of my sexuality, I unthinkingly do what people tell me, am unhappy, and take it out on those closest to me.

Had I grown up different, would I still be into domination & submission? Had I lived life how I want it from the beginning, would I feel the need for taking and giving up control? Who knows? But does it hurt anyone if I play this way? No. In fact, I believe it helps my partners (IRL or virtually on webcam) fulfill their needs for power – or lack thereof.

I always say to do whatever you want sexually, so long as you’re not (unconsensually) hurting anyone. The flip side is – if you DON’T do what you want, you may be hurting yourself… and perhaps, unintentionally, you may be hurting those around you.

What do you think?

Edited: December 16th, 2012

Where Does a Fantasy or Fetish Come From?

A man is suddenly aroused by an interracial cuckold fantasy and small penis humiliation fetish.

Where does it come from? For that matter, where do any of our fantasies and fetishes come from?


Where Does Fantasy and Fetish Come From? –… by kelseysextips

Edited: October 26th, 2012

Sex Time = Play Time

Courtesy Mistress Simone:

“And in the playing of it (games), we come to know ourselves-and each other-more deeply.”

~Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel’s Scion

Hearken back to your childhood days of innocence, touch upon your imagination and free it from the self-imposed restraints of adult life. Allow your inner child to come out and explore the wonderful world of sexual play. Just think, we are grown-ups now and get to have orgasms! How much fun is that when added to play??? Cool,huh?

When your brain disengages from the mundane, creativity can come to the surface. Within our play, we can freely express all the silliness, fears, and insecurities we may have. No one should judge you for your desire to be dressed up like a puppy or for indulging your Lolita side. You can pretend to be younger than you currently are, donning the persona of that age. You can be whatever your imagination can come up with from a puppy to a robot. Dress up like a doll and have your puppet master move your strings!

Adults allow the possible judgments of peers to affect their relaxation and enjoyment in life. We make fun of those who dare to be different. But who are we to judge? Our kinks, interests and desires are just as valid as the next person. Truly, if you have the balls to dress up like a Wookie, no one should criticize you.

And if they do, fuck ‘em. Well actually, don’t!

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Edited: October 17th, 2012

Are You Compatible in Bed?

How can a relationship work when each partner has different desires? Sexual compatibility is important if you want to be happy and fulfilled, but it doesn’t mean you have to share the same fantasies! How do you know if you’re compatible? What can you do if you’re not?

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Edited: September 22nd, 2012

What Do Sexual Fantasies Mean?

Where do sexual fantasies come from, and what does it say about who we are?

Stanley Siegel paints us a picture:

You are sitting in front of a computer screen surfing porn sites ready to get off. You sift through scenes and images until you connect to one. Suddenly, every element of desire falls perfectly in line. You become intensely excited, your physical and mental energy sharply focused and shutting out other thoughts. Eventually, you climax.

Most of us do not meticulously analyze what just happened. There might be some curiosity about why a certain porn turns us on. Typically, after getting off to it, we feel temporarily satisfied and pull ourselves back together.

True that.

Porn Can Bring Out Our Deepest Darkest Fantasies

Porn Can Bring Out Our Deepest Darkest Fantasies

Sexual fantasies, whether elaborate romantic themes or sporadic images of muscular arms or big breasts, mean much more than we think. Specific erotic images are connections to deeper inner truths long banished from consciousness.

Porn intensely focuses our mental and physical attention, uncovering specific emotions eroticized much earlier in life. Through our sexual fantasies, we attempt to master feelings of powerlessness, shame, guilt, fear and loneliness that have followed us into adulthood. Encoded in the porn scenes that lead us to orgasm are the psychological antidotes to these feelings. Situating ourselves in humiliating, romantic or risky scenes counteracts painful feelings by turning them into pleasurable ones. Psychologically, this happens outside our awareness, the way blood cells heal a cut finger without our knowing it.

The most common feelings people eroticize are:

• powerlessness and helplessness

• detachment and emptiness

• rejection and abandonment

• anger and aggression

• inadequacy, guilt and shame

• insecurity, loneliness and vulnerability

But is having the fantasy a problem in and of itself? No. When we have “unconventional” desires, we often hide them, further fueling any shame or negative emotions attached to the fantasy. Rather, if we embrace the fantasy – and perhaps even live it out (to the extent its possible in a safe and consensual manner) – we can not only understand ourselves on a deeper level, but we show ourselves love for the darker corners of the psyche.

The more we beat ourselves up over our sexual fantasies, try to avoid them, or assume they mean there’s something wrong with us – we allow ourselves to be taken further into whatever issues the fantasy reveals. The truth is, most of us have at least some so-called “unhealthy” desires because we live in a society that tells us sex is bad, sinful, or at best – something straight married people do to make babies. Sure we see sexuality all around us, but in an artificial, plastic way that does little to help us understand – let alone validate – our individual feelings and experiences.

Embrace fantasy, even – no, ESPECIALLY – if it makes you uncomfortable. If you begin addressing the issues it brings up, the fantasy may play more or a less role in your sex life. Look at the fantasy for what it is – a pattern of thought and emotion that leads to physical arousal and pleasure – and go from there. Human beings are extraordinarily simple and complex at once; our experiences do shape our sexuality, just as they shape every other part of us. Its not good, its not bad – it simply is. Accept – or even LOVE – this part of yourself, and you’re on the path to sexual healing.

Edited: February 17th, 2012

Relatonship Advice: Sexual Fantasy and Being Present

What role should sexual fantasy play in your relationship?

Sex columnist Isadora Alman gives her relationship advice:

Over my years as an advice columnist I have frequently been asked about fantasies – whether they are normal, whether it’s “okay” to have them, when are they okay and what kind are acceptable. I always reassure that, indeed, fantasies are normal and that they do not necessarily encompass a wish to translate them into reality. Another common fear is “What does it mean when I have such a fantasy?” The answer is no more than “You have an active imagination.”

There is a long ago New Yorker cartoon, artist unknown to me, of an older couple lying in bed stiffly and staring at the ceiling. That caption reads “What’s the matter? Can’t you think of anyone either?” Many find the situation all too familiar. I have never found it funny. This cartoon depicts the one instance in which I do not endorse a familiar fantasy.

Many of the readers who sought reassurance about fantasizing did so with the express description of having them during partnered sex, usually explaining (complaining?) that she or he was unable to get aroused or reach orgasm without this aid. “So is this okay?” Well, no it isn’t. Not with me – professionally or personally. There has to be something better than two people having sex with each other while their minds are active elsewhere.

I’m not at all saying that fantasies about others, real or imagined, do not have their place in the life of anyone with a rich imagination. Enjoy them in private. When you are in bed and about to connect your body with the person with whom you have chosen to share your life, I recommend that you make that extra bit of effort to be present fully for the event. You both will enjoy it more.

Edited: January 20th, 2012