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Can Meditation Help Your Sex Life?

What does meditation have to do with fucking?

Do you ever find yourself “stuck” in your head during sex or masturbation? Worry about how you look, whether your body parts are “working,” if you’ll orgasm? Can’t stop thinking about what happened at work today, what you’ll do this weekend, or something your ex did 5 years ago? Feel so stressed out sex is the last thing you want to do?

Meditation and other mind-body practices (like yoga, tai chi, and chi gong among others) help bring you into the present moment – and that’s exactly where sex is happening.

Why be there in body but not in mind, heart or spirit?

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Edited: November 13th, 2012

What Do You FEEL During Sex?

Sex is a sensual experience. Sight, sound, smell, taste, and of course – touch.

But are you THERE to enjoy it? Or do you wolf down your sex like a fast food meal on the go?

Whether alone or with a partner, how can you enjoy your sex even more?

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Edited: October 1st, 2012

Self Confident or Narcissistic?

Ev’yan writes:

The definition of narcissism in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is simply this:

1: egoism (excessive concern for oneself)
2: love of or sexual desire for one’s own body

The first description wasn’t completely unexpected, as I’ve been taught to view a narcissist as someone who is dangerously obsessed with themselves to the point of vaingloriousness. But the second description made me gasp aloud. “A love of or sexual desire for one’s body.” As someone who is desperately trying to become one with her inner sexual being, that notion sounds fantastic!

The idea that a person could love themselves so much that it has the ability to arouse them seems like the best way to live. It takes a lot of self-possession & comfort in your skin to have a pure kind of love for your own body, & that level of love takes a radical turn when you begin to find yourself sexually attractive. I imagine that sex would be much more amazing if just the sight of your nude body had the ability to turn you on.

We’ve been wrongfully conditioned to see a narcissist as a person who is disgustingly self-centered, & only that. We’ve also been taught that to be egotistical is to be inconsiderate; that it’s improper & conceited to worship ourselves. But try twisting the definitions of narcissism a bit. Try pulling the word “self-centered” apart & strip it from its negative undertones.

“Self-centered” then becomes Self Centered, two whole, separate words that create a gorgeous statement of self-awareness.

The same thing applies to other words that are synonymous to narcissism: self-loving, self-admiring, self-regarding. When everything critical is taken out of the those words, they suddenly encompass an extraordinary kind of love of oneself.

Self Loving. Self Admiring. Self Regarding. What beautiful ways to describe yourself.

I imagine that one who is beautifully Self Centered (or Narcissistic) is…

- Gracefully centered in herself. She knows the inner workings of her being better than anything else on earth. She understands that she & her happiness are her first priorities.
- One that listens to her heart. She only makes decisions that will benefit her contentment & is unapologetic if her choices make others flustered. She realizes that she cannot change others & that it isn’t her duty.
- Completely self loving. She is sensual. She revels in the sight of her naked body. She radiates a kind of eroticism that is subtle & intimate. She seduces herself on a daily basis to celebrate the fondness she has for her being.
- Perfectly self-possessed. She exudes confidence & poise, so much that she practically walks on air. She never lets anyone get in the way of her own convictions. She doesn’t allow any one thing to label her or tell her what she isn’t.

We should all venture on the path to being unapologetically Self Centered & Narcissistic, if only just a little bit. I have a feeling that the moment we do that we will see ourselves in a new light, one that illuminates our entire being authentically & freely.

Edited: September 30th, 2012

How Can I Have More Confidence With Women?

A reader asks:

I am a 27 year old Asian guy (currently in college) who comes from a family which has never discussed sexual matters openly and am also an only child. Hence I grew up in a very sheltered environment and find it very hard to approach women. I have had only 1 real relationship (a fling) which lasted for 3 months  and the sex was terrible due to both of us not knowing each others needs I guess we didn\’t really love each other. I find it extremely hard to talk to a beautiful lady face-to-face and am always freezing up. Any ideas how I can boost my confidence with women and find someone I truly love? I have never had an orgasm while having penetrative sex , and had always had to rely on porn, masturbation and visiting prostitutes. Would really like to find a woman I truly love and have great sex together. Thanks a lot!

I’d suggest two things –

(1) Learn about the female anatomy, women’s sexuality, and women’s psychology.  Every woman is different, but Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus wouldn’t be so popular if there weren’t some generalizations to be made.  The more you understand where women are coming from, you’ll have more confidence AND much better success.  I’d suggest checking out:

- Women’s Anatomy of Arousal – The best overview of female anatomy.

- Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of Female Orgasm – The book describes a practice called orgasmic meditation (which you don’t need to learn unless you want), but explains women’s sexuality very well.

- The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists – Its a true story of a man who barely ever got laid, to becoming a world renowned pickup artist.  You don’t need to follow his methods, but it gives good insight into what women want in a man.

(2) Work on your confidence overall.  How confident you are with women reflects your confidence in other areas of life -its all connected.  People like Tony Robbins, Jack Canfield, and countless other personal development trainers have great self-help books, seminars, audio recordings, and online programs.  I can’t tell you how many hours or how much money I’ve invested in personal development the last few years!  There are a zillion directions you could go, so I’d suggest browsing Amazon for self-help books to get started.

Edited: September 29th, 2012

How to Feel Your Feelings, and Why That Matters for Sex

Sex educator Emily Nagoski writes about how to feel your feelings… Which may sound silly. Or obvious.

But the thing is, most of us are emotional idiots. We don’t know how to handle our feelings, which is why we bottle them up, self medicate, or project them onto others (i.e., being a judgmental asshole).

She writes, the biggest problem most people have isn’t their feelings per se, but rather how people FEEL about their FEELINGS. For instance,

You feel angry, and you feel bad and wrong for feeling angry.

You feel anxious and afraid, and you feel afraid of that fear, worried that it might take over.

You feel hurt or jealous or envious, and you feel ashamed and you judge yourself – you feel you SHOULDN’T feel those things.

You feel joyful, and you feel anxious about that joy, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The funny thing about feelings is that we feel them physically. Those knots in your stomach. That migraine between your eyes. Tightness in your chest. We feel with our bodies.

So when we’re busy trying not to feel, and feel bad about what we’re feeling – it makes it real hard to enjoy sex. The body becomes a mess, trying to fight itself. And here you are, trying to get down and dirty, and it ain’t happening. Your dick won’t get hard, your pussy won’t get wet, you can’t cum or it isn’t satisfying when you do.

When you’re so busy trying NOT to feel what you don’t want, there isn’t much room to feel what you DO want.

So here’s an exercise I learned from Leela Francis that’s helped me. Maybe it’ll help you too.

When an emotion comes up, name it. I feel ______________ (fill in the blank – angry, sad, frustrated, excited, joyful).

Then locate it. Sense it in your body. I sense ______________ (pain in my lower back, pressure in my head, warmth in my chest).

And just sit with it. Let it be. If you feel and sense multiple emotions at once, name and locate them all. By feeling your feelings, you’ll move through them instead of being stuck and weighed down by them. It may not happen the first time or the second. Its a practice.

But when you let your unpleasant feelings BE, so will your pleasant feelings. Bottom line: you’ll be a lot happier and feel much more pleasure when its time for sex.

Edited: September 8th, 2012

Holistic Sexuality: What the Hell is That, and What Does it Have to Do With Intimacy?

The key to sexual intimacy is engaging not only the body, but the mind, heart, and soul. Cheesy, sure, but as my favorite food I contend a little cheese doesn’t = lame.

Recently we had some of the best sex of my life… and we often have amazing sex. So what made this time so great?

Always the nerd, I’ve spent the last couple days pondering that question. And here it is: my mental, emotional, spiritual, and of course physical sides were all activated. I call it holistic sexuality.

Here’s how the night went:

I’d been feeling anxious about something – one of those anxieties that wouldn’t go away until I talked about it, but never seem to realize that until I’m talking about it. He noticed I seemed weird and asked if everything was okay. The key: he asked about my emotions, and gave me space to talk it out. We had a great conversation that opened my eyes to some things I’ve been struggling with. We connected on an emotional level.

Feeling better, I brought up a topic I’d been thinking about the last few days — Max Hardcore, what’s right/wrong with his videos, and why people like them so much/are so afraid of them. And why I like them so much but feel uncomfortable at the same time. We had an interesting conversation about masculinity, femininity, and taboo. The key: he engaged my mind. I’m easily turned on by talking about sex in an intellectual way. i.e., I’m a nerd. We connected on a mental level.

Shortly thereafter, I cuddled on the couch with him. We started making out with a level of passion that reminded me of high school. He got the vibe of what I like exactly down – passionate and strong but flirting and teasing at the same time. We connected on a physical level, in a way I felt haven’t in awhile. But part of what made the physical so intense was that I noticed our breathing was synced. We weren’t trying to; it happened spontaneously, perhaps because we were already so connected. After I noticed, I chose to completely let go and relax into whatever happened. I gave him complete control. And when I did, something magical happened – I felt a deep connection to him, as if there was no separation between us. It felt almost like we were under the influence of something that we weren’t. In that moment, I really knew what tantric sex was about for the first time. Syncing our breathing created a spiritual connection between us, where I didn’t know if it was my breath or his; we were breathing as one.

At just the right time, without my saying or doing anything, he licked my pussy and again, at just the right time, fucked my ass. He was aggressive in a way that made me feel safe. He pushed my limits just far enough; made it almost uncomfortable for me in the way that turns me on without going too far and turning me off. He pulled my hair, slapped me, and spit in my mouth. He rubbed my pussy while fucking my ass, moving my body as if it were a fuck doll instead of a real live person. After, he commented on it and we discovered we both had the same thought at exactly the same time during.

(Many) women like being fucked by someone who knows what they’re doing.

After, I told him how awesome it was, and made one request. Next time we go at it like this, stop in the middle of fucking my ass to lick my pussy. I didn’t want to ask in the moment because it would have ruined the vibe. His response – no problem.

The mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual – that’s what I call holistic sexuality. Connecting without bounds – that’s true sexual intimacy.

Edited: February 13th, 2012