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Who’s Got Masturbation Shame?

I do I do!

Seriously, I’d think I woulda been over this shit by now. (I’ve written a bit about it before.)

But I’m notttttttt!

Or I wassssssn’t when I recorded this 6 weeks ago… (slow on the posting, to be sort of explained next podcast). The odd thing about shame is that talking about it kinda makes it go away some. So maybe listening to me talk about mine can help you give voice to yours…

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Edited: July 7th, 2014

Lying in a pool of my own ejaculate, I cum.

Lying in a pool of my own ejaculate, I cum.

I already had 2 orgasms. I began watching Elegant Angel’s Lexi – particularly Lexi Belle’s scenes with Riley Reid, James Deen and Dani Daniels. Being blonde, petite, wearing pigtails & knee socks with really passionate sex – I identified with her, perhaps more than any porn star I’ve seen before. Rubbing my clitoris with my fingers, enjoying the tension in my pussy. Stepping up to my electric vibrator, first searching for, then relaxing into the tiny spots sending electric shocks through my body. Enough visual stimulation, I pause screen with Lexi’s face visible, so when my eyes later open – I see her. My alter-ego for the evening. I see me.

I slather my pussy and dildo in coconut oil and spit, slowly penetrating myself with a toy that’s just too big to go in all at once. Warming myself up, I finally slide it up inside. My vibrator finds its way to my clit once again, this time more intense as my pussy has something to grasp. Holding the toy inside, then slowly fucking myself, then faster, then holding. Legs apart, legs together, knees bent, losing all sense of my legs, legs together and I know I am going to cum. The universe seems to slow as I consciously pace my breathing, enjoying the moment just before orgasm. Waves of warm fuzziness through my entire body, I relax into sensation. And I cum, pussy clenching my toy, body contracting.

Relax. A full, complete, satisfying orgasm. My pussy still wants. I feed it with my vibrator and dildo. Exploring – how does it feel if I angle the toy like this, or that? I want to cum. Legs together, lying on my left arm beneath me, holding my dildo and fucking myself – quick, short thrusts – vibrator buzzing on my clitoral hood. This orgasm is fast, over before I know it.

Still hungry. Getting tired, its late, but I want another orgasm before I go to sleep. I try to give myself one. I do the motion that makes me cum… but its not working. Because I know its not the motion that does it. The body is not a machine, its a living work of art. Orgasms are the result of pleasure, not the aim. I observe myself, the way I habitually push myself toward what I want – yet the force pushes it further away. How we do anything is how we do everything. I relax for a moment and readjust.

Suddenly I need to squirt. NEED to. My toy too large to squirt during penetration, I slowly pull it out and gush a stream of liquid. Slide back onto it and off again, fluid spilling out of me. Dropping the toy, my fingers find my wet opening, still squirting. I rub my g-spot, feeling the spray against my hand, as my other hand holds the vibrator just at the edge of my clit hood. The end piece of my vibrator falls off and I almost burn myself because its gotten so hot. I’m still squirting as I quickly put it back together and place it back where it belongs.

Finally emptied, I am laying in a pool of my ejaculate. (Is there a sexier word for this? I don’t know.) Much of the tension relieved, but I still want to cum one last time. Dildo back inside, vibrator on clit, legs together laying on my arm fucking myself again. But this time is different. This time I am swimming in liquid, so much my oh-so-sexy incontinence pad I use to keep things clean is completely soaked. My body weight has kept it from spilling onto the bed, forming a small ocean beneath my pussy. Touching my fingers to the bottom, my fingers are wet to my first knuckles. I am no longer trying, I am enjoying. As I fuck myself, my fingers splash my inner thighs with my own fluid. Waves of myself. I did this. My body did this, what its always been meant to do, to feel. The orgasm comes quickly, yet slowly washes over me and I savor the moment that feels like forever before spilling over the peak. This is what I really wanted.

The bottom of my shirt is still wet.

Edited: July 12th, 2013

I Got Paid to Masturbate MY Way (I have the best job in the world)

The first time I saw another woman masturbating was in porn. I’d secretly wished for sexually open and experimental friends who would bring up masturbation or sex, leading to some slumber party explorations… But I didn’t have that sort of friend.

Women typically masturbate in porn laying on their back with bent knees – rubbing their clit with a finger or two, using a vibrator, and/or fucking themselves with a dildo. That’s not how I masturbated.

What got me off was lying on flat on my stomach with straight legs, grinding my pussy against my hands. In my younger years, I masturbated against my baby blanket (sorry Grandma! she knitted it for me) or the corner of my comforter. I always felt ashamed, like something was wrong with not only masturbating in the first place, but HOW I did it. In college I wanted to be more “normal” (ha!) so I managed to switch to my hands instead. I still felt horribly awkward and a partner never saw me orgasm until Terry.

Since then, my masturbation repertoire has expanded and I enjoy stimulation in numerous ways – but if I want to orgasm – its still easiest and most reliable lying on my stomach or the same position but flat on my back. I can count the number of times I’ve cum in the positions I saw in porn on my hands.

Yesterday I shot for – my first paid shoot for another company – being filmed the way I masturbate
. When I booked the shoot, I explained my technique to the producer – because in my mind it wasn’t exactly sexy to watch. To my surprise, the site features women’s real methods, everything from vibrators and fingers to running water to an electric toothbrush handle to humping a pillow.

Humping a pillow?! I checked out the site and voila – pillow humping was featured in one of the sample videos. I wish I could have seen this as a teenager! It could have eased a bit of my sexual shame. This is why I feel that porn isn’t good or bad, harmful or hurtful – its about how its made and in what context its used. I feel porn has an incredible power to educate as it titillates. Really, it already IS educating its viewers… but no one ever said education had to be positive or factual. In college I learned that GMOs are “highly debatable” – yet in reality numerous independent studies finds them unsafe. Good thing I got a scholarship and didn’t pay for those credits.

Its ironic the first time I’ve been paid by another company was to do what, in part, led me to study sexuality in the first place – in school, then on camera. It feels appropriate, like I’ve cum full circle. Because the main thing I’ve learned on this journey is that I’m fine how I am (and so are you). It is possible to change your sexual response, to broaden your horizons and explore new fantasy and sensuality. But it must come from a place of love and acceptance, of being okay with what is and growing from there. Otherwise all your energy goes toward trying NOT to be something… which lands you right back in the thick of it again. And again. And again

The producer was a woman in her late 20s, a former performer herself. We talked, ate chocolate and got quite friendly. She made me feel 100% comfortable in opening up, and to my surprise I was even able to squirt. I thought I might be nervous and be “trying” to have an orgasm… which gets the job done but isn’t very satisfying.

I felt so at ease one of my scenes lasted 40 minutes and I could have sworn it was only 20. Her average scenes are under 10 minutes, but she wanted me to just do what I do and end when my orgasm came. I often hear people complain about how long it can take women to orgasm (including my past self), but so what? If its fun along the way – THAT’S the point. THAT’S what leads to the orgasm. Without the build up, the orgasm is a moment that ends as quick as it starts. The pleasure is in the process.

All in all, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience for my first time on someone else’s set.

Edited: March 5th, 2013

How Do I Learn to Use My Hands to Orgasm?

I love their honesty.

“Just allow yourself to be.” – Betty Dodson

PS – “Stay in touch with your own body.” — This applies to males too, especially if you have issues with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.

Edited: January 27th, 2013

Exploring My Body Through Masturbation

Before the holidays, I started reading For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality. The author suggested that women who have trouble with arousal, orgasm, or who simply want to improve their sex life masturbate for an hour a day (only 4% of your day). I talked about it a bit on this podcast on masturbation – and my decision to start giving myself the time & space to learn to really enjoy my body. To learn to orgasm easily in ways other than how I’ve masturbated since childhood. To learn to FEEL PLEASURE. To learn to orgasm with Terry.

So I’ve been doing this for 3 days. Tonight I discovered a new sensation I enjoy. Normally when I use a dildo, I just like feeling something inside me. I don’t normally move it in and out, except to get myself more lubricated. But today after I had my first orgasm, I lay there and ever so slightly moved my dildo in and out of my pussy. It wasn’t in very deep – the ‘head’ was JUST in, close to my g spot. It may have been imperceptible to someone watching, but I felt it. A tightening sensation on the top of my pussy, inside. Not exactly my g spot, but nearby.

I had a second orgasm, keeping my dildo stationary at the peak. Feeling like I had to squirt, I quickly grabbed a pad to catch my juices and propped myself up on my elbow. I moved the dildo in and out of my pussy, with a little more depth and speed this time. Within about a minute I started gushing while it was still inside me. And when I pulled it out, clear liquid shot out, near soaking the pad completely.

I tasted the liquid – a very very slight urine taste, as my ejaculate often does. But I’d peed before masturbating so I knew it wasn’t urine, perhaps just a few drops got mixed in.

I love discovering new sensations my body enjoys.

Edited: January 7th, 2013

How to Masturbate

Many of us learned how to masturbate when we were young and had to hide it.

Some people still hide it as adults! But masturbation is a great way to learn about your body and what you enjoy. Whether you suffer premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, difficulty with orgasm or arousal, or just want to feel even more pleasure – masturbating to explore yourself can help.

It just requires a change in attitude – seeing masturbation as experimentation vs. a shameful secret. How can you make the shift? Listen and learn about how I’m changing my masturbation practice, and how you can too:

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

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Edited: December 23rd, 2012

Join the (Solo) Mile High Club

via Postsecret

via Postsecret

Edited: December 5th, 2012

I Touch Myself…

Via Postsecret

Via Postsecret

Edited: November 11th, 2012

Too Much Masturbation?

Can’t get enough? This young man worries about too much masturbation.

He asks Dr. Betty Dodson:

I think that I masturbate too much. I’m a 16 year old boy and I do it like 3 times a day and sometimes I can’t even sleep without doing it before bed.

I have a girlfriend and we are sexually active and it is great and everything but I can’t seem to stop. I don’t feel comfortable asking one of my friends and I have turned to you after searching many other sites and finding no info. if you could get back to me it would be a great help.

Dear AF,

Whenever I hear about a teen who thinks they are masturbating too much, I ask, how long do you spend with each session and do you ejaculate each time? Chances are that you are hooked on “quickies” which are not satisfying so you keep repeating the process. It’s like a person who snacks all day and never enjoys a full meal. Both patterns leave you undernourished and not satisfied.

So Stop! Limit yourself to once a day and focus on HOW you are masturbating. Spend some quality time and stop using Internet porn which is as bad a fast food. No nourishment and no satisfaction. You are training yourself you come fast so that sex with a partner will not be satisfying for her either…this will take some time to change your pattern but it’s well worth it.

Dr. Betty

Kelsey’s $.02:

When I’m busy, I can get into the “quickie” habit sometimes. Many of us also learn this habit from our early masturbation practices, hurrying up so no one catches! When I find myself in this pattern, orgasms are less and less satisfying. I take it as a cue to make space for quality time with myself.

Many guys jerk off hard and fast to porn, finishing in just a few minutes. We jokingly call our fetish videos “pop off clips” – just long enough for a guy to get a quick orgasm. But it doesn’t have to be that way. My husband will spend up to an hour watching porn sometimes, so its not whether – but HOW – you use porn in your masturbation practice.

Edited: October 12th, 2012

Sex Tips: Will Masturbation Help Me Lose My Virginity?

Masturbation won’t help you lose your virginity, but it WILL make you better at sex and last longer when the big day comes…

Edited: October 3rd, 2012

Furious Masturbation Causes Premature Ejaculation

A young man wants to know if his masturbation habits are causing his premature ejaculation problem. What does Betty Dodson think?


I am 19 year old and have been masturbating from say last 7-8 years. Now when I have sex with my girl, I ejaculate within a minute of her touching my penis or worse..she is a very nice girl and doesn’t complain but still I feel like a loser.

What do you think I should do? IS it due to my super fast masturbation sessions in the past?..Is there anything I can do to surprise her?,I do not want to use pills/creams as I am alergic to Sulfur and few more chemicals. Is there any natural way to increase my time or undo what I have done?..:(

Dear M,

Coming real fast is quite common. I’m happy to know you are searching for a solution. Yes, this is due to your super fast masturbation sessions in the past and the healing will be training yourself to sustain higher levels of arousal with new patterns of touching your penis.

Meanwhile, for your information, very few girls can come with vaginal penetration alone. So you and most other uninformed guys think all they need to do is get a hard-on and keep it long enough for her to get off. WRONG!

That’s the phony crap of porn! So you also need to understand female sexuality. There is an abundance of information if you simply start reading our website. Keeping a hard-on is only part of the picture but you have come to the right place to be sexually educated by learning new sexual skills. Now it’s up to you. Enjoy

Dr. Betty

What does that mean? Take time to masturbate. Take it slow. Tease yourself, making the pleasure last as long as possible before letting yourself cum. And more importantly, be gentle with yourself. Premature ejaculation won’t be “cured” overnight, and while you’re busy practicing, you’re likely to have a few more unintentional quickies. But in time you’ll be able to last longer in bed and you’ll both be enjoying sex together even more.

Edited: August 6th, 2012

The Beauty of Masturbation and the Human Body

Masturbation can be beautiful.

Says the woman who was so ashamed of it, she’d get it over ASAP then immediately switch to another task… as if to pretend it hadn’t happened at all.

During masturbation recently, I set an intention with myself – to give myself love and receive it. Cheesy? Totally. Important? Absolutely.

What could be more beautiful than allowing yourself to feel love for yourself? Most people walk around putting themselves down as if its the latest tween wave beat – or worse, as if they’re South Park’s Kyle, diagnosed with a condition called “being a cynical asshole.” How often do people compete in a whining competition about whose life is worse? Get one woman in a group to complain about her body, and most the rest will jump on board. And Jesus Christ, I never realized how insecure men are about their penis size until I made a YouTube video about it, which only spawned MORE emails to double check their size is okay. Its almost rare to meet someone with high self esteem; it can seem most everyone’s insecure and not doing that well hiding it. Sometimes I can fall into that category too.

We’ve grown up in a culture that finds the “natural” body disgusting. This taboo is partly why body functions – farting, burping, spitting, sneezing, vomiting, shitting, pissing, and even laughing and crying – have become sexual fetishes to some (in another culture others would probably still enjoy them, but for other reasons). This emerges from a long history of religious puritanism, public health campaigns of the 19th and early 20th centuries, and modern medicine rooted in the questionable “germ theory“.

We are blessed that our bodies are set up for pleasure. Yet if we despise the body for what it “naturally” is and does – then we also shut off the possibility of appreciating what it allows us to experience. Perhaps many people feel bad about sex and masturbation because they don’t believe they deserve it. Or worse, that its overindulgent, narcissistic, too much. Its not necessary. They don’t let themselves feel all the pleasure that’s in their bodies. Then they’re surprised it doesn’t work out so well with a partner…

I’m talking about myself, and I’m talking about people who email me about their sex concerns. Since masturbation is self-pleasure, it may be the ultimate expression of self-love, if only we’ll allow ourselves to feel it.

Edited: June 24th, 2012

Female Masturbation: Just Do It!

Everyone knows guys masturbate, but even in 2012 female masturbation is still stigmatized. Growing up, none of my friends talked about female masturbation, and I thought I was the only one!

Sex coach Billie Becker has an important message:

She’s got a great point, though I started having orgasms when I was 8, and didn’t understand what a clitoris was until college. Clearly, I didn’t know what the fuck I was touching, but it felt pretty good.

Edited: March 30th, 2012

Female Masturbation: Three Tips to Overcome Negative Emotions Like Guilt and Shame

Even though female masturbation is common, normal, and healthy, many women don’t feel comfortable. Sex researchers Edward O. Laumann et al. find that about 1/2 of females and males who masturbate feel guilty. They state, “Masturbation has the peculiar status of being both highly stigmatized and fairly commonplace.”

Women are less encouraged to be sexual than men, so they don’t often explore their bodies. Masturbation can help you love your body, feel happier and more fulfilled. Read on for three tips on overcoming guilt and shame about female masturbation, so you can live your sex life to the fullest.

(1) Understand that facts about masturbation.

Female masturbation is as healthy for you as eating your fruits and vegetables. According to Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller, women who masturbate are more likely to have orgasms, and orgasm more easily from masturbation than any other sex act. Women who have orgasms while masturbating tend to orgasm with their partners more often.

It lowers stress, promotes relaxation, and even helps menstrual cramps. There are benefits to using the pubecoccal (PC) muscles (the ones that quiver and shake during orgasm) include more sexual pleasure, lowered risk of incontinence (peeing your pants), and easier childbirth. Female masturbation is the easiet method of safe sex – you won’t get knocked up or catch an STD!

She likes female masturbation.

(2) Identify your beliefs about sex in general, and masturbation in particular. Human beings are social creatures – we learn about life from one another, and can carry values of others without even realizing..

We learn how to be from many places – family, religion, and the media are just a few. You may have learned that only sluts, whores, and nymphomaniacs practice female masturbation, or that masturbation is generally sinful or addictive.

Experiences like physical, mental, or emotional trauma also shape our sexual beliefs. Obviously sexual abuse is extremely traumatic, but being caught masturbating, a bad trip to the gynecologist, or even having your sexual secrets told can reinforce unsupportive beliefs about female masturbation and sex in general.

She likes female masturbation too.

(3) Replace unsupportive sexual beliefs with positive ones. Dream up your ideal sex life, and imagine how your body would feel, how you would masturbate, and what you might fantasize about if you felt free to indulge. Relax and FEEL how different your life would be if this were your reality.

Create an affirmation for yourself that reflects one aspect of your ideal sex life. Sure, its cheesy, but go with it. If you’re like most people, you say negative things to yourself all the time. Choosing ONE nice thing won’t kill you, will it?. Some examples: I love my body, masturbation is awesome, I am sexy, I am safe, I am free, I love myself.

Affirmations work similar to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your mind wants to be consistent with your actions. When you repeat your affirmation and feel that reality in your body, the mind will automatically work to make it come true. You’ll notice yourself acting differently, enjoying masturbation more.

You don’t need to believe your affirmation, that will come in time. Its alright if you feel silly. Begin every morning with your affirmation and say it throughout the day (whisper if you don’t want to be heard). Repeat it before or during masturbation and remind yourself why you’re there.


The change will take time, and you might feel overwhelmed. It is best to pair healing your mind and body simultaneously. In time the guilt and shame you feel over female masturbation will evaporate, and you’ll be left with a better sex life overall.

Edited: January 10th, 2012

A Great Day to Masturbate

I couldn’t always say this, but today I declare: I love to masturbate.  I came 5 times today.

Twice with my boyfriend.  He woke up before me today, and came back into the bedroom just as I was about to get up.  We cuddled.  We lightly ran our fingers over each other’s bodies.  He pulled me on top of him and passionately kissed me.  I grinded (ground?) my pussy against his hard cock through his boxers.  I licked his ass.  My pussy was dripping wet, and he thrust his dick into me as we lay side by side.  I asked him to get on top of me, then he laid back so I got a turn to fuck him.  I ground my pussy against his pubic bone, rubbing his dick against my g-spot.  I exerted my energy rather quickly, so he took back control, flipping me over doggy style, fucking me while I rubbed my clit, pulling out to cum in my mouth.

We lay in the dark, sweaty and out of breath, and I continued to rub my clit.  When he caught his breath, he licked my pussy.  It felt good, but I started getting frustrated that it didn’t feel as good as I wanted.  I asked him to rub my clit, same thing.  I wanted to feel more, so I asked him to put his dick in my pussy so I could lay on my stomach and masturbate.  I felt nicely filled up with the pressure on my g-spot and against my cervix.  It felt good and I came quickly.  He started actively fucking me in that position, thrusting in and out for several minutes, then pushed his cock all the way back in me.  I masturbated again and came really quickly, surprised but pleased.

My pussy was getting sore, so I asked if he wanted to fuck my ass.  The answer to that question is typically a resounding YES, today was no different.  Doggy style, I enjoyed the feeling of my asshole stretching open and the indirect pressure on my g-spot.  He fucked me until he came again, in my mouth.

Three times with myself.  Later, I masturbated on my own.  I lay on my back, doing my best to relax my body and not tighten up my hips, thighs, and vagina like I normally do.  I lightly fantasized, imagining fragments of a submissive fantasy I’ve had since childhood.  My goal was to be as relaxed as I could, to be present and notice what was going on in my body while I played.  As usual, I encountered a wall in my arousal that I couldn’t fully move past without tensing my body.  Ah, muscle memory.  Tonight was different though, perhaps because of the intention I set beforehand.  I used the tension to heighten my arousal, then continued to rub my clit while consciously relaxing my body.  I went back and forth, and over time got lost in the pleasure, until I was no longer aware whether I was tensing or relaxing.  I came.

But I wasn’t finished.  It seems I run out of patience after a first orgasm – when I masturbate alone, I usually have 2 or 3 (sometimes more).  I flipped over to my stomach, the easy way.  To change things up, I tried a technique I read about in Staci Haines’ Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma.  Her book is aimed at survivors of childhood sexual abuse, which I thankfully have not experienced.  Nonetheless, her book is one of only a few that addresses how we carry trauma, guilt, and shame in the body and ways to re-embody.

When I masturbate on my stomach, my entire body tenses up, I often disassociate, yet I cum quickly.  Rather than mindlessly taking care of my remaining arousal, flushing it from my body as quickly as possible, I narrated to myself what I was doing – “I’m rubbing my clit up and down.”  That was it.  Such a simple act made me more present than usual.  I felt more pleasure and noticed I wasn’t clamping down my vaginal muscles quite so strongly.  Perhaps relaxing my pussy while doing kegels is having an effect.

I often masturbate while wearing underwear or comfy clothes.  I like the friction against my clit, plus its what I did as a kid so its more familiar.  Today I masturbated wearing my new footy pajamas:

I don't think these were made to masturbate in...

I don't think these were made to masturbate in...


When I was finished, I unzipped a bit to touch my pussy.  It was really wet.  When I’d be completely disassociated, I’d be dry as a desert even after having multiple orgasms.  I’m noticing my pussy gets wetter, and more easily – especially in the last several weeks.  Must mean I’m doing something right.

As Betty Dodson says, masturbation is self-loving.  To masturbate is to physically show yourself love.  But which comes first, the chicken or the egg?  The masturbation or the love?  Either way, my body and spirit are responding.  Shame, discomfort, and frustration no longer dominates my masturbation.  I accept what is, whatever it is that day.  I let myself be.

Edited: December 12th, 2011

Masturbation as Empowerment


Say YES to Pleasure and Masturbation

Academia is full of mental masturbation. Physical masturbation, not so much.

Academics notoriously distance themselves from their own sexuality (ask me how I know…). Jessi Fischer, the “Sexademic,” is taking a different path. With a Master of Arts in Sexuality Studies from San Francisco State University, she spoke of her “agenda” at Trinity College in Dublin, Ireland:
“I grew up in a world where pleasure wasn’t something I thought I could have. My body was shameful and not really meant for me. When I was able to change my frame of reference and identify my own desires, I felt empowered. Being able to enjoy my own body changed everything I thought I knew about the world. I want to help people do that in whatever capacity works for them. I want to lift the social weights that preclude them from that experience.”

More mental masturbation here.

Edited: December 5th, 2011

I <3 Female Masturbation

Growing up, I knew I couldn’t be the only one masturbating, but not ONE of my friends ever mentioned it. Neither did I. In fact, I told my first boyfriend I didn’t. He said he didn’t either. Liars!

See, I knew he probably did. As Ashley Fryer says, “The world knows men masturbate.” Hello, American Pie. How many movies and TV shows crack jokes at young boys jerking off?

To my recollection, I’ve seen two movies that show a woman masturbating. The first was in Not Another Teen Movie. The scene was a parody of She’s All That and American Pie combined. The second was a seriously hot scene in Secretary, where she masturbates in the bathroom after her boss spanks her for yet another typing mistake.

If I knew other girls masturbated, I don’t think I’d have felt such shame about it. My typical masturbation practice was to get to the point (orgasm) as fast as possible. Then when I was done, I’d immediately get up and do something non-sexual, like my homework. As if I were pretending I hadn’t done it in the first place.

Fryer writes, And really, this is just one tiny part of a much bigger conversation about female sexuality. But for the sake of women everywhere, for whom masturbation is a healthy part of their sex lives, I’m begging the world to get a grip. To the women of the world, I say this: reclaim the rights to your own vaginas. Masturbation is a healthy and happy part of sexuality. It’s a headache cure, a muscle relaxant and an instant high. It’s like cake with no calories. And let’s be honest, if you don’t know what’s going on down there, an inexperienced man hasn’t got a hope in hell. So please, take ownership of your sexuality and let’s stop subscribing to this strange and damaging notion that masturbation is anything other than brilliant.

Edited: November 22nd, 2011

From Childhood to Adult Sexuality: Honoring Where I’m At

When I was little I would get off by laying belly-down on the floor and rocking myself to stimulate my clitoris… It only took me about 30 seconds to come that way… I realized that that isn’t normal. So I stopped masturbating that way…A few nights ago, I stayed up very late masturbating and finally had an orgasm…I think. This one didn’t seem right either because it literally took me about 4 hours to get there and my clit felt kind of sore the next day. I have tried masturbating again a few times, for about an hour each time, but it seems like I’m going nowhere fast and I just give up before I orgasm.

To this, Betty Dodson replies,

Your old method of getting off is quite common… There is no such thing as “normal” but all kinds of habits can be common, unusual or really strange… The body hasn’t had enough time to build up sexual tension so any release will be mild or insignificant. Most important is to give your body time to get used to a new form of stimulation. As you practice awakening your clitoris to using your fingers, be sure to use plenty of massage oil on your vulva especially your clitoris. And re-apply regularly. If you don’t feel anything happening after a couple of hours, just stop. It’s OK to finish off with your old technique so you can relax.

My boyfriend broke his right arm as a teenager. He’s a righty. It took him several days of “hard work” to jack off to orgasm using his left hand.

A few times in the past couple years, I tried to just quit my childhood masturbation method cold turkey. I figured if he could change his method, I could change mine too. One problem – he didn’t have a choice if he wanted to enjoy himself. I did. I’d inevitably get sexually frustrated and get myself off the only way I knew how. Then I’d feel guilty, like I was ruining my own sexual development. I wanted to orgasm another way to better share myself with a partner, and I saw my experience as a personal failure.

So thanks, Betty, for reinforcing what I discovered on my own: play with new ways of enjoying myself. Play all I want. And if I want an orgasm at the end, switch to the old skool method. Sometimes I can bring myself very close to orgasm in my childhood way, then quickly move my body to a new position and come anew. Getting pissed that a new way isn’t “working” makes sex a frustrating chore.

I made a promise to myself. Not explicitly, not aloud, but one I see through my behavior. I promised to honor my own pleasure in whatever form it comes. Only when I appreciate how good my body does feel, however it feels it, will my sexual pleasure expand. Wanting leads to wanting. Having leads to having.

Edited: November 13th, 2011

My fingers smell like pussy but I didn’t feel my orgasm: on disassociation

I’ve had a tendency since childhood to disassociate during masturbation or sex.  I’ve never been sexually assaulted – let’s get that out of the way.  I had a therapist once who was convinced I must have been molested.  She wanted me to ask my parents if I had an uncle who touched me inappropriately.  I never did.  I didn’t need to.  Plus, talk about an awkward conversation, right?  Therapists love to smash people into their little boxes.


Nonetheless, I’ve carried the memory of a few early experiences that left me feeling shame, guilt, and anxiety regarding sex.  As do many Americans.  Add to that a traumatic gynecological problem – ta da!  My own personal recipe for disassociation.


Here’s what it looked like tonight:

I’ve been reading Betty Dodson’s Sex for One, feeling I’d benefit from more masturbation (who wouldn’t?).  I lay down in bed and set the intention to myself – I’m just going to feel my body.  That’s it.


The next 1-1.5 hours I struggled with myself to pay attention to my actions.  To focus on my breathing, in the tantric way T.A. taught me.  Or on the pleasant feelings in my clit and outer lips.  What I did was a hybrid between my usual childhood masturbation practice and the typical “homework” in how-to-have-better-sex books.  I caught my mind wandering to anxious thoughts and I pulled it back.  Overall, it was pretty enjoyable.


I had an orgasm.  At the height of the sensation, I remembered I had more in my bank account than I thought, due to some accounting issues.  Now, I’m glad I remembered that, of course.  Perhaps another time would have been better though.


The fact that I can articulate this – that I even recognize what’s going on – shows I’m becoming less disassociated… more associated in my body.

Edited: October 20th, 2011