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Open Relationship vs. Cheating

I’m on FetLife, though I rarely use it. But occasionally I get an interesting message, such as this one:

You look beautiful, quick question I am married too, but I am looking to have a open relationship as well, any suggestion? because I can’t discuss this matter with my wife, she wouldn’t understand

If you can’t talk about it with your wife, its not an open relationship. Its cheating. The basis of an open relationship is trust, honesty, and communication.

Try the books Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino to understand better how these things actually work.

Good luck.

Edited: October 8th, 2014

Help! My Girlfriend Wants to Do Porn and I’m Jealous

Question via Tumblr: how can i deal with jealousy ? my girlfriend wants to do porn

The best way to address jealousy is to identify what exactly your fears are and talk about them. Before Terry & I filmed his anal scenes where he fucked other girls in the ass, we talked about it. A lot. I was fully behind the idea but still had some feelings of jealousy to address.

Jealousy is mostly insecurity that your partner will want someone more than they want you. Which IS always a risk if you’re opening up your relationship in some way. It goes away the more you learn to trust your partner and value yourself. The way I look at it, he might have fun with other chicks now and then, but is casual sex really going to trump the love & connection we share? No way. Is some chick going to have a better butt to fuck than me? He’s very happy with what he has at home, so even if he has the time of his life in the moment, at the end of the day its always just us.

But that also doesn’t mean you need to be okay with a more open relationship. Its definitely not for everyone. In my opinion, if your girlfriend is interested in doing porn or any kind of sex work, that’s bringing additional people into your sex life. Its something you both need to enjoy, otherwise the relationship won’t last very long. If she’s unwilling to talk about your feelings or doesn’t care – there’s something far more wrong with the relationship than her wanting to do porn. In which case, porn WILL break you up. But if you don’t address what’s going on more deeply, you’ll probably break up regardless.

Edited: March 6th, 2014

My Wife’s Bisexual – How Do We Open Up Our Relationship?

When one partner is bisexual, its common to desire an open relationship in one way or another.

Question via Tumblr:

Hey Kelsey, we’ve listened to your cast for a few months now and really enjoy the perspective you bring to sex and relationships. Now the question: where do we go from here? The “here” being our relationship. My wife of 22 years is highly probably bi. We have a great sex life, full of communication and fun. She is rather disturbed by the possibility of being bi as she has to date not had a girl /girl play date. I believe I would be all for a 3 way with another female.

I believe I’d be ok with her having a female fwb even if I wasn’t involved. Naturally I would like to be involved, either participate, watch, see pix or at min hear abt the encounters. She (and I to be truthful) fear that opening our relationship this much is courting disaster. We have 5 kids and a fantastic life and dont want to destroy it. We are somewhat kinky and think this would super fun. Added problem. I found a female who is 10 years older than us I think would be perfect.

The female in question has been a friend of ours for many years. The lady works with me. She and I have talked about it and Im reasonably sure she is up for it if the situation were to be constructed properly. So, is the co worker a bad plan? Is the whole thing a bad plan?

Its normal to be nervous and scared to take a new step in your relationship, especially opening up to a third party. However since its your wife’s desires that are in question here, she needs to be the one initiating the action. You can encourage her, but you cannot take that step for her. It may be hard for you to be in her shoes, since obviously you know you like women. Why WOULDN’T she want to have a pussy in her face?

But exploring the same gender can take some easing in. Girl-girl sex is a whole new ball game (well, a no-ball-game) from sex with a guy. Its like losing one’s virginity all over again, learning what to do with a woman’s body, and most of all – getting comfortable with feeling and acting on those same-sex desires.

Whenever it comes to opening up a ‘straight’ relationship, I always suggest the woman take the lead. She needs to find someone SHE is comfortable with.

I’d definitely stay away from your co-worker, at least to start. Its better to begin with someone neutral or a friend/acquaintance of hers. The co-worker is primarily YOUR friend. You see her every day and your wife does not. Were you to participate, watch, or even just hear about their exploits, its building your attraction to your co-worker. Then because you’re with her far more than your wife — its an uneven situation. Far more potential for jealousy (on your wife’s part) and you to develop feelings for your co-worker (and potential to ACT on those feelings without your wife) that could jeopardize your marriage.

It sounds like you’re a super supportive husband, which is awesome because (believe it or not) some guys are threatened by a woman’s bisexuality. But it seems like you’re getting ahead of yourself. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with Terry picking out a woman for us to play with, and that’s pretty common. I’ve encountered many couples new to swinging & open relationships where the guy is pushing for the situation and the woman isn’t ready. It never works out well. I’d suggest letting your wife explore on her own first, on her own time – whether its in the next few weeks, months, or even years. Then allow her to invite you into that part of her sexuality when she’s ready.

Both of you can check out the book The Ethical Slut – I read this when I started exploring my bisexuality and desire for open relationships, found it very helpful. I’ve also heard Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is good but I haven’t read it myself.

Edited: April 22nd, 2013

Last Night I Watched Terry Fuck His Ex in the Ass…

On DVD, that is.

It was shot almost 6 years ago.  He looked so young, less hairy and a little fat, haha.  Plus missing some tattoos.

It was amateur, shot terribly.  I kept laughing out loud.  It wasn’t exactly the most erotic thing I’ve ever seen.

But there was a point where she was making eye contact with him, and I could see that she loved him.  It was very sweet the way she smiled at him.

I wasn’t jealous in the least.  It actually made me happy to see that this other woman loved him before me.  That even though they were incompatible and fought a lot, they obviously cared for each other.

In other relationships I’ve been extremely jealous of ex’s, and I can’t say I haven’t been jealous of her before. 5 years is a long time to be with someone, and I’m the only chick he’s dated since. Early in our relationship he was still shooting videos for her clip store and the adult world/lifestyle was brand new to me. One time he was showing me pictures on his computer and a photo of his dick in her mouth accidentally came up. This clearly doesn’t bother me now, but at the time it was somewhat uncomfortable. He reassured me there was nothing between them, and the one time I met her I could sense tension in the air. So I knew any insecurity was my own feelings, not based in any reality between the two of them.

Why should the fact that our partners have loved & been loved before, be so threatening? I want someone with experience, who’s been through the ups and downs of a long term relationship, who knows what its like to love and be loved. Ex’s are the only way that can happen. And I’m thankful for his.

Edited: January 27th, 2013