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When Do Women Orgasm During a Hookup?

What I find most interesting, is that (on average) women are more likely to orgasm during a hookup when (a) they touch their clitoris (duh), (b) she receives oral sex (duh), AND (c) they have ANAL sex (!).

Edited: April 19th, 2014

The Best Sex EVER

I recently had the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life. And I’ve had a lot of really good sex.

Listen in on the juicy details…

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Edited: July 18th, 2013

How to Give Her an Orgasm?

What’s the best way to give her an orgasm?

Question via Tumblr:

heyy!!jus give me some nice tips as to how can i give a good orgasm for my girlfriend!!Thanks!!

Well every person is different, so your best bet would be to ask her! Ask how she masturbates (if she does), what she’s liked with previous partners (if she’s had any) and what she fantasizes about. Most women like their clitoris simulated, some like vaginal or anal penetration, more rarely women can orgasm from having their nipples played with or feet licked. Many women like if you start slower, touch her body all over, lots of kissing and touching – i.e., foreplay – before getting to her pussy. But others like to be grabbed roughly and thrown around. (I like a mix :) ) Talking to her can be foreplay too.. talking about sex is a turn on and the only real way to know if you’re giving her what she likes.

Also check out this awesome book to learn more about how women’s bodies work. At least check out the pictures to learn where her sensitive parts are located… the clitoris is a whole network of nerves that’s a lot more than what you see on the surface. You might learn something about her body even she doesn’t know yet!

Edited: March 7th, 2013

Learn a New Orgasm

Via Masturbation Advocate Betty Dodson, how to upgrade your orgasm:

Over the years, one frequently asked question comes from women and a few men who are unable to incorporate their current method of masturbation into partnersex.

Many have carried the same pattern of childhood masturbation over into adulthood and it’s now the only way they can get off. Some are stimulating their genitals with one or both hands pressed between legs that are tightly squeezed together while lying face down on their tummies- not conducive to sharing orgasms with another person. Others are humping folded blankets, wooden floors, riding the arm of an overstuffed chair or pressing against hard counter tops.

As kids, the idea was to come fast to avoid getting caught. If we were lying face down, mom, siblings or the baby sitter couldn’t see what are naughty little hands were doing.

While Pressure and Tension orgasms are probably the most prevalent kind for a majority of people, they are limited in terms of bodily sensations- similar to a quick blip on the pleasure scale. The other problem is that they rarely translate into sharing orgasms with a partner. The solution is simple! It’s time to upgrade your masturbation technique.

First let me emphasize, there are a gazillion ways to get off and there’s no such thing as having a “wrong” kind of orgasm.

After years of observing my own orgasms plus all the women I’ve known personally and have worked with professionally, I’ve observed four basic categories: Pressure, Tension, Relaxation and the Combination that I call a “Rock and Roll Orgasm.” This one combines elements of the first three. While breathing fully during a buildup, we are squeezing and releasing our muscles rhythmically with direct or indirect clitoral contact. Pressure or Tension orgasms are most often reached by holding our breath and gasping occasionally. Total relaxation orgasms or what I’ve also termed “Sleeping Beauty” are most rare. To remain totally relaxed while breathing deeply, someone else must do genital stimulation in a manner that is nearly perfect. Ha! If you find that person capture them quick!

While no two orgasms from self-stimulation are precisely the same, most women use some form of direct or indirect clitoral stimulation with or without penetration. The body responds with movement, no movement, along with varied breathing patterns from holding the breath to panting. Other women remain utterly silent while others make a variety of sounds. The mind can be paying attention to what the body is feeling, focused on sexual thoughts, or conjuring up a sex fantasy. Just as long as you’re not planning a dinner menu or running the laundry list.

Click to learn about Betty’s 4 types of orgasm and how you can learn a new technique!

Edited: December 24th, 2012

Sexual Shame Stops a Foot Job

A young man with a foot fetish experienced his first ‘foot job’ but pushed her away before he could orgasm.

Sexual shame affects most of us, whether we’re into feet or more “vanilla” desires. If we feel ashamed of our sexuality, we may push away our lovers, stop ourselves from orgasm, or even shut down sexual feelings altogether.

How can we let go of sexual shame so we can enjoy sex?

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Have you struggled with sexual shame? Is there a fantasy you crave but are scared to try?

Edited: December 17th, 2012

What’s Your Orgasm History?

Carlin Ross, of describes her “orgasm history:”

The earliest orgasm I remember was in the bathtub. When I was a girl, bath time was the only time I was left alone. My mom would run a bath and I’d jump in with my toys waiting until she left to slide out of the bathtub and ever so quietly lock the door behind her. Then I would turn on the faucet, sit down over the drain, and prop my little legs on either side. The water would run over my clitoris until I had my first orgasm. The first orgasm always took the longest. And the thought of my mother catching me made it all more exciting. She never did come back in time to ruin my masturbation party. She was easily distracted so I had a good 15 minutes to myself.

With each orgasm, I would turn down the water flow so by the time I was 3-4 orgasms in just a trickle of water would send me into orgasmic bliss. To this day, I love to have my clit teased with subtle licking and pressure. When I knew my time alone was about to end, I’d slip back out of the tub and unlock the door. One time my mom asked me about the marks on my bottom – I’d been sitting on the bathtub drain for quite a while and it had left little circles all over my cheeks. She never put two and two together.

One afternoon when I came home from school I found my brother up in a tree hanging gym ropes. You know those thick ropes they make you climb for those state fitness tests. We were all very excited to have school gym equipment in our backyard. I had no idea how much I was going to enjoy climbing those ropes…

Read on…

What’s your orgasm history?

Edited: November 24th, 2012

Female Orgasm Anxiety

A great question about female orgasm from a “new” lesbian, that applies to women of any sexual orientation.

A letter to Dr. Betty Dodson:

Hmmm where to start. Purge. After years of very bad sex with men – quick and fulfilling for one, I discovered my clitoris (with your help) and that I really like girls. I’m very proficient at sex for one, but that’s quick also. Now I have a lovely girl in my life I find the attention and pressure to orgasm too much.

She’s happy, she loves me, and we have lovely times together but I can’t orgasm. She says I need to learn to slow down. I try not to think too much and just enjoy but I can’t help thinking she’s getting bored. I’m ruining this beautiful thing because being the centre of attention freaks me out.

- V

Dear V,

Sounds like you’re suffering from a case of “pleasure anxiety.” Listen to what your GF said about “slowing down.” All heterosexual women struggle with the issue of taking too much time so you need to understand the problem. Straight sex is still based on the male model of sexual arousal. For the most part, men can get turned on quickly and climax easily (often too fast for us) so many women have been conditioned to “hurry up” during partner sex but that rarely results in a full satisfying orgasm.

I suggest the two of you share masturbation together. That way you can both observe the technique you each use for your orgasms. If she’s not “doing you” and you have control of your clitoris, once you have an orgasm in front of her the problem might simply go away. So stop being such a “drama queen” and understand that she enjoys being with and pleasuring you.

Dr. Betty

Masturbating together is great for couples of any sexual orientation – it can be sexy to watch your partner do themselves plus you’ll learn what they enjoy.

Edited: November 12th, 2012

Females Can Have “Wet Dreams” Too

Via Postsecret

Via Postsecret

We think of “wet dreams” as an embarrassing event for horny teenage boys. Au contraire. I had one once as an adult. It was pretty cool. Of course, unlike guys – no mess in the AM.

Edited: October 27th, 2012

Do Vibrators Ruin the Female Orgasm?

How does hard pressure on the clitoris affect a woman’s ability to have a female orgasm?

Both my husband Terry and I have early masturbation stories like Carlin and Betty describe – for me, I started masturbating on my stomach with my blanket between my legs. Even today it can be hard to orgasm without a lot of pressure. With lots of practice(!) and patience, I’ve started feeling more sensation in other positions, but my body still responds best that way. Its like learning how to ride a bike…a little harder, but more fun.

This video also sparked a great conversation with Terry about needing more sexy time with him. We have amazing sex, but like Betty says – as a woman, sometimes sex can feel like foreplay for my masturbation. Personally, I don’t need an orgasm every time – that’s too much pressure and too “masculine” a goal – but it gets hard to make the time when we’re so busy. Even though we have a very sexual lifestyle, we get stressed out like everyone else!

Edited: September 6th, 2012

The “Elusive” Female Orgasm: Where Does It Go? Why Does It Hide?

Difficulty experiencing female orgasm is common, though many women feel all alone.

I can orgasm just fine on my own. What prevents me from doing it with someone else?

The above is an excerpt from my favorite blog, a post about female orgasm, or lack thereof.

Though I’ve understood I’m not alone in my challenges, this is the first time I’ve heard of someone with a similar problem. Most sex advice assumes if women aren’t orgasmic with their partners they aren’t at all, and the solution is to learn how to female orgasm through masturbation. But making the “leap” from solo to partner orgasm isn’t straightforward. The writer continues…

I don’t know what that means, or how to fix it, or whether “fixing” it is the wrong approach. Sometimes, when I realize we’ve worked so hard to get there yet again and I know it’s just not going to happen, I experience what I’ve come to think of as the “reverse orgasm,” where sex ends with a panic attack and a painful mental storm of self-recrimination, disappointment and despair.

Even though he comforts me and says all the right things, this is a moment of relative solitude. It’s just me and my orgasm, not happening. Once again. And if I cease to work on it, am I settling for less, yet again?

I know I don’t want to leave my marriage, and I know there are no simple solutions. Vulnerability and trust and belief in my self worth can’t happen overnight.

I’m not sure what the solution will be. But learning to talk about it, having the courage to write about it here and be honest about this vulnerability, is a big part of it.

It IS brave to talk about it. I know because its why I started this blog. Because I knew other women/couples must feel the same frustration. I figured if nothing else I’d at least write about my experiences, and maybe it’d help someone else to know they’re not alone. But now I’ve got “proof” I’m not, and I know that my struggles haven’t just been mine – they’re shared by women all over, many who would never go there, let alone write about it publicly.

I don’t have an answer to the “problems” of female orgasm. I’m still working on it myself.

Edited: July 11th, 2012

The Problem With Thinking You’ve Got a Sex Problem: What it Means for Female Orgasm

Nicole Daedone, author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, has made it her mission to uncover the so-called problem of female orgasm


We believe that “good” sex means one thing – probably something like mutual orgasm and a feeling of intimate connection to our partner – and that if either of the above is missing, the sex is “unsatisfying” or “truly problematic” or, worse yet, simply “good enough.” We ignore the reality, which is that sex itself is messy and inconsistent… It is a reflection of life, which means it includes hot and cold, fast and slow, good and bad…Sex is not a science; there is no recipe. No matter how many books you read or how many repetitive motions you make, the outcome is not guaranteed. And mere inconsistency is the best-case scenario. The worst-case scenario? You kill the sex with the recipe.

But we’ve never learned how to cook without a recipe… So when things don’t turn out the way we expect, we find ourselves trying harder. Rather than opening up and letting our sexuality tell us what it wants in the moment, we try harder to comply with the external recipe we’ve been given. Rather than listening for our own desire and following wt whether it makes sense or not, we try ever harder to be the good little recipe-follower we were taught to be…

Let’s take the example of orgasm. While men’s orgasms are also an art form, I think we can all agree that they tend to have more of that consistent scientific quality to them than women’s orgasms do… [heterosexual] “penis” plus “naked woman” in more cases than not does in fact equal “ejaculation.” But what, then, happens when the recipe doesn’t lead to the desired outcome? When no matter how hard he tries, the recipe – ahem – no longer stands on its own?

And then you’ve got women’s orgasm, which for most of us follows a path much more like The Artist’s Way than the scientific method. When observed objectively, women’s orgasm looks very different from men’s orgasm, and it may or may not include a climax. So what happens when we’re following the recipe for “good sex,” and (per usual) it calls for “two climaxes,” and two climaxes are not available?

What happens in either of these cases… is that sex starts looking like a problem

Men approach the problem of sex like they’re trying to fix a TV that’s on the fritz. They scratch their heads and try to figure it out. They ask investigative questions, tinker with this and that, and when the screen is still blank they’ll either become frustrated or zone out altogether.

For women, on the other hand, the tendency is to try to make her sex – and especially her orgasm – look a particular way, the way its “supposed” to look. We try to live up to the expectations set by Hollywood, and Cosmo… We put ourselves into the shape of the sex we think we’re supposed to be having, which is modeled on the example of a man’s experience. We spend a lot of time in our heads, wondering if we’re doing it right, concentrating very hard on “getting somewhere” – “somewhere” being synonymous with “climax”… The result is that we distance ourselves from our desires, from our direct experience of sex, and in the end, from our orgasm. Some women have gotten so far away from their own authentic orgasm that they don’t even think they have one. Which is a major concern, since for women especially, frequent access to the pleasure of orgasm is the key to finding joy, nourishment, and sustainable happiness.

Learn more about female orgasm and how to have more satisfying sex here.

Edited: April 16th, 2012

Female Orgasm: The Cure for Hunger in the Western Woman

Can female orgasm save the Western world?

Nicole Daedone thinks so.

Edited: January 19th, 2012

Female Orgasm: Its All In Your Head…In This Study, Anyway

I’m impressed that female orgasm can even occur inside an fMRI machine!

“The Science of Female Orgasm”

Thanks to the women who masturbate for science, and let us see the neurological side of female sexuality.

Edited: November 30th, 2011

Female Orgasm: I’m Coming! Just kidding.

Female Orgasm

Faking female orgasm? (courtesy of Johan31000)






Yashar Ali believes women fake female orgasm to validate the male ego. I can’t say I disagree with much of what he writes.  But he’s probably never been in the position where he could or would consider faking it. (Not that men don’t, so I’ve heard.)


In my personal life, I have never faked a female orgasm. This despite only having a handful of orgasms from a partner stimulating my body. (Most have cum from masturbation with my partner or on their body.)   I always reasoned that if I faked female orgasm, it’d train them to do the same thing again, and then they’d expect another orgasm, and then I’d fake again, and on and on and on.


While Ali is right that the male ego plays a part, its not as simple as sex being a “cerebral process… [in which they have to think and plan when to fake an orgasm, when to make everything perfect for the man in their lives."  He continues, "They are pleasing [men's] massive egos, instead of pleasing themselves.”


If only female orgasm were so simple! Coming from my own experience, and all the times I could have faked a female orgasm but didn’t, here are a few other reasons a woman might fake it:


- She doesn’t know what will bring her to female orgasm.
- She doesn’t know how to say what she wants.
- He doesn’t know how to ask her what she wants, or how to help her explore if she doesn’t know.
- He isn’t receptive to her when she says what she wants.
- She thinks he’s already supposed to know how to give her an orgasm.
- He thinks he’s already supposed to know how to give a female orgasm.
- She thinks she’s supposed to have an orgasm during intercourse, oral, or whatever she’s doing.
- He pressures her to feel she should experience female orgasm with him.
- She wants the sex to end but doesn’t feel comfortable saying, “This sucks, I’m out.”
- She’s been faking female orgasm for months or years and is afraid to reveal her sexual relationship is a sham.
- She doesn’t believe she deserves pleasure.
- She’s afraid of being too sexual and holds back.

Any others?

Edited: November 15th, 2011