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Why (Most) Sex Advice is Bullshit

From ages 14-16, I spent a lot of time on AOL. I didn’t even know what a website was! And sometimes had to spend HOURS waiting for the TELEPHONE MODEM to connect. Fucking busy signal. Anyway that has nothing to do with this blog, except that one night I wandered my way into an advice chatroom. Nobody was looking for advice. But everybody WAS ready to GIVE advice!

One might think with all the advice in the world, we’d all be doing great. Buttttttt no. I can’t tell you how much sex advice I’ve tried to take over the years only for it to fail.

Its like, someone can give you a stock tip and you could make some money. (Maybe.) But if you don’t understand how the stock market really works, or have a shitty relationship with money and blow every dime you’ve got – is that stock tip REALLY what you’re looking for? Probably not.

Its the same with sex…

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Edited: April 5th, 2014

All About Butts!

Today I’m talking buttsex – answering listener questions about:

- Deep anal penetration
- Opening up the ass
- And when she should get her orgasm

And check out my free anal sex guide to learn exactly how I do it here!

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Edited: February 26th, 2014

My Sexual Secrets: How I Discovered I Have “Sexual Anorexia”

When I said I was nervous about posting something the other day, this podcast is what I was referring to.

My work may often require nudity, but being honest feels even more naked.

Because secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone. Yeah. ME. And probably most people I’ve been in a relationship with. Sorry guys. & gals. It wasn’t you. It really WAS me.

Am I being vague enough?

I guess I should come out and say it, so at least you’ll know what the topic of this podcast is really about. I’ve recently discovered what was REALLY behind my motivation to research sexuality and work in the porn industry to explore this corner of the universe.

Sexual anorexia. Apparently, its a thing. You’ve heard of sex addiction – this is the flip side. The anorexic to the overeater. Denial, avoidance and overcontrol vs. out of control indulgence.

I’ve been reading this book and discussing it in therapy. It 100% describes my very confusing and painful sexual history. And while I’ve made a lot of progress since I even started this blog in 2011, sex can still be very difficult at times. What astounds me most is that I’ve been working in the field of sexuality in one form or another for almost 10 years now. And I’ve only just heard of this.

I thought I was crazy. I’ve never heard of anyone having the same sexual issues as me. If I read one more sex advice article for women that says to stimulate the clitoris during sex or buy a vibrator or communicate with my partner, I might punch someone in the face. Um. I’ve tried that. Thanks.

Though may put on an act of confidence, beneath it all I’ve still felt there was something wrong with me. Which seemed logical since 90% of what various “sex experts” have suggested hasn’t worked on me. If everyone else seems so happy, the problem must be me, right? Why after all this effort, is sex sometimes REALLY difficult for me? Why, when I want it most, does my body shut off and barely respond? Why is asking for what I want sometimes so terrifying its easier for me to pour myself into work that isn’t even necessary, just to avoid dealing with it?

Why have I felt like the cursed skeleton-pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, unable to enjoy my physical body?

“…the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust…” – Captain Barbossa

Only mine has not been a curse of greed. More a curse of denial, that I did all to myself.

So this is my story. Hope listening to it helps you in some way. If you’d like to share any part of your own sexual struggles, feel free to email me here. I promise I’ll respond.

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Edited: February 21st, 2014

Do Fantasies Help or Hurt?

I generally say its great for people to enjoy their fantasies so long as nobody gets hurt. Generally that’s pretty obvious. If anyone ends up in the hospital, its probably a no-go. But psychological hurt is harder to define. Especially when its our OWN psychologies. Can we hurt ourselves through our fantasies?

Sometimes.

Sometimes fantasies are just ways we play out the same old patterns that have caused us pain and disappointment throughout our entire lives. Kind of like a guy who’s been divorced 5 times. If it didn’t work in marriage 1-4, why would #5 be any different? Sure people change, but without making a conscious effort, chances are the problem was never really the wife. The problem is the guy picking the same woman over and over. His picker is off. Because in some way, that woman is familiar, comforting, and attractive to him. But seeking a new one won’t fix why he keeps choosing someone who’s not right for him.

When is indulging in our fantasies helpful, and when it it harmful? How can fantasies fuel personal growth, or how can they cripple us? Where’s the line?

That’s something only you can know. And sometimes you’ll bang your head against the wall 263 times before you realize – the wall fucking hurts! And you’ll pull your head away to notice that fluffy pillow on the couch is a much softer place to rest your noggin…

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Edited: February 20th, 2014

Obsessive Fantasies About My Sister-In-Law

Ever want someone you can’t have? Perhaps take it a bit too far? Maybe you can relate to this guy’s situation:

Over the past two years I have developed kind of an unhealthy obsession with my sis-in-law. I’ve always been attracted to her, but it’s gotten to a point where I share G-rated pics of her with guys online and jerk off with them while we say anything we want about her. Just wondering what your thoughts might be on this. I have been spending way too much time doing this, and not sure it’s entirely healthy for me.

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Edited: July 23rd, 2013

The Best Sex EVER

I recently had the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life. And I’ve had a lot of really good sex.

Listen in on the juicy details…

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Edited: July 18th, 2013

How to Get the Girl

Does it ever feel like women just aren’t interested? Maybe they are, but you’re missing the signs.

Let me share a story that may help you… about a friend who came over and asked, “Kelsey, can I feel your boobs?”

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Edited: July 15th, 2013

The Formula for a Happy Sex Life

Terry and I recently attended a business seminar and heard a man named Keith Cunningham speak. If you’ve ever read or heard of the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad – he’s the real rich “dad” to author Robert Kiyosaki.

Cunningham teaches business success requires 3-part formula:
1 – Find out what they want.
2 – Go and get it
3 – Give it to them.

In my experience, truth is always pretty simple.

And guess what? Its the exact same formula for happiness in love – and sex. Whoever your partner, whatever your desires – its the same basic formula.

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Edited: July 6th, 2013

How He Cums in My Mouth

Everyone says communication is key to great sex and relationships… but how do you actually do it?

I still wonder sometimes! But other times I get it right. So today I share a little story about my sex life – a question I asked my husband about his preferences – about how he cums after we fuck.

And if you don’t care about communication, well, you just might like my sexy story anyway…

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Edited: June 27th, 2013

My Sexuality is Ruining My Marriage – How Can I Change My Desires?

Reader Question:

I need advise on how to curb my desires for my wife. She’s a wonderful women and I deeply love her. The problem of me wanting more than she can give. I can’t stop wanting her the ways that I do and I desires her and only her. The desire causes problems in our sex life, which in turn causes problems in our marriage.

The only option of fixing this is to help me not want these things than to change her to want them. I would like oral sex and to perform it as she doesn’t like either, I want anal sex to be part of our sex life, for her to be a bit slutty in bed, her to touch herself and pleasure herself, let down her wall and go wild, be naughty outside the comfort of the house…maybe flash every now and again when nobody is looking. These things are always brought up and never done.

What can this guy do, and how can he save his marriage?

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Edited: June 10th, 2013

Premature Ejaculation Vol. 2: More Tips on How to Last Longer in Bed

Want to cure premature ejaculation and learn how to last longer in bed?

Following up on my last podcast on premature ejaculation, I discuss a couple tips to hold off from cumming too soon!

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Edited: May 22nd, 2013

What’s a Cuckold Fetish? Interview With Jimmy Broadway

The cuckold fetish is basically where the woman (in a ‘straight’ couple) openly has sex with other men.

It goes in reverse too, where the guy openly has sex with other women – called a cuckquean fetish (this term definitely could apply to my relationship!).

I often encountered the cuckold fetish when I worked on webcam. I enjoyed roleplaying, but I always wondered how this could work in “real life.” Many of the men I worked with fantasized about their woman taking their money, their dignity and sometimes only being allowed to eat other men’s semen from their woman’s pussy with no other sexual contact. Not all men took it to this extreme, but it was more common than I would have expected.

Obviously we don’t bring ALL our fantasies to life, but I’ve got several emails in my inbox from guys wanting to know how to get their woman to ‘cuckold’ them.

Curious myself, I asked fetish video producer Jimmy Broadway to join me on the podcast. Jimmy is co-owner of SevereSocietyFilms.com and frequently films cuckold fetish films. Jimmy is intimately familiar with the fantasy AND reality of cuckold relationships – how to make it work, and how it can go wrong.

Hear us talk about -

- Why are guys turned on by their woman fucking another guy?
- What role does bisexuality play?
- What are the risks of the cuckold relationship? What can go right, and what could go wrong?
- How can a couple safely explore the cuckold fantasy?
- What’s the #1 most important element of a happy cuckold relationship?

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Edited: May 4th, 2013

Interview With Swinger Porn Star Siri

Porn star Siri is a 24 year old married swinger who is passionate about, well, sex!

Siri entered the porn business in 2012 after she graduated from college. Siri knew she wanted to be in porn since age 19 and began exploring the swinger’s scene when she met her husband Brad. She’s clearly smart and educated enough to do whatever she wants in life — and porn is it! Nothing better than an intelligent woman who chooses a career that she truly loves.

Porn Star Siri

Porn Star Siri

Siri’s authentic love of sex has helped her win Miss FreeOnes 2012 and a nomination for AVN Best New Starlet 2013. The newest addition to the VNA network – home of stars like Vicky Vette, Nikki Benz and Sara Jay – Siri will be exploring her sexuality for her pleasure AND yours for years to come!

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Siri has an awesome blog where she regularly interacts with her fans at SiriPornStar.com. Follow her on Twitter @SiriPornStar. And check out her kinky fetish videos!

Edited: April 30th, 2013

Listener Questions on Wet Pussy and Masturbation With Lily Cade

Lily Cade is back to share her experience with fucking women.

We discuss listener questions:

When my wife and I have vaginal sex, she is always dry. I can go in but it is uncomfortable for us both – even after I have given her oral and she has had an orgasm.  I must use artificial lube.  Does this indicate a lack of interest, arousal, attraction etc… on her part? With lube intercourse feels good to me and she says she likes it.  Let me know what you think, is this common?

AND

I’m a happily married woman whose husband is in the military. He is away a lot and I don’t believe in masturbation. Any suggestions on relieving the tension?

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Edited: April 29th, 2013

I Want to Be More Submissive!

Can women be more dominant in the bedroom? Submissive men everywhere hope so.

A male listener writes,

80% of girls I’ve tried to convince to be dominant with me simply don’t have the confidence to try. I might suggest to her, “Hey it’d turn me on a lot if you called me this, or you ddi this, or made up something assertive and just ran with it.” But I have yet to find someone I have a really good dom/sub connection with.

Is submissive just a fancy word for being lazy, letting the guy do all the work?

Is the percentage of women who purely don’t have a dominant side a majority?
I just want to treat a girl like crap and then have her return the favor. :P

With 50 Shades of Grey we know many women are into submission, but what about domination?

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Edited: March 31st, 2013

How to Have Anal Sex for Him – Intro to Strap-On Ass Play

Listener questions on how to have anal sex for him!

Why do guys enjoy strap on sex? Do the techniques I use for anal in my anal sex guide work for male recipients of anal pleasure too? What’s a woman to do with a strap on?

If you’re interested in reversing roles and trying something new, listen below for some beginner tips on strap on play!

Leave a comment and share any strap on how to have anal sex tips!

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Edited: March 24th, 2013

Big Girl Sex Tips With BBW Porn Star Nicole

BBW porn star Nicole is back to talk about big sex.

A self-proclaimed fat girl, Nicole has had sex with guys of all sizes. Whether you’re a bigger girl or hoping to get with one, Nicole’s got great advice on how to make sex work at almost any size.

We also discuss Nicole’s personal sex life and how every person’s tastes are different. Experimenting is half the fun!

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Follow Nicole on Twitter!
Watch us both at DirtyLittleDiva.com and KelseyObsession.com.

Kelsey Obsession & BBW Porn Star Nicole

Kelsey Obsession & BBW Porn Star Nicole

Edited: March 19th, 2013

Interview With 100% Lesbian Porn Star Lily Cade

Lily Cade is a “gold star lesbian” porn star, meaning she’s 100% into girls – she’s never fucked a guy and never wants to.

Lily started in sex work as a dominatrix in college and has been performing in adult films since 2008.

Lily is one of a few California legal married lesbians and shares an open relationship with her wife. Lily has been with hundreds of women on camera and off – her blunt honesty gets her into more girls’ panties than most guys would dream of.

Hear Lily talk about her experience in the adult world, her advice for getting women into bed and how to stay happy in an open relationship.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Follow Lily on Twitter!
Watch us both at LilyCade.com and KelseyObsession.com.

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Edited: March 17th, 2013

How to Tell Them What You Want

Sometimes it can be scary to say what we want in the bedroom. If you’re nervous, its perfectly natural. But communication is a skill, and just like riding a bike – you have to practice before you ride smoothly. If talking about sex is too anxiety provoking, you can start OUTSIDE the bedroom. Listen to this podcast for tips to practice your communication and get more of what!

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

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Edited: December 26th, 2012

How to Masturbate

Many of us learned how to masturbate when we were young and had to hide it.

Some people still hide it as adults! But masturbation is a great way to learn about your body and what you enjoy. Whether you suffer premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, difficulty with orgasm or arousal, or just want to feel even more pleasure – masturbating to explore yourself can help.

It just requires a change in attitude – seeing masturbation as experimentation vs. a shameful secret. How can you make the shift? Listen and learn about how I’m changing my masturbation practice, and how you can too:

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

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Edited: December 23rd, 2012

Can Fetish Go Too Far?

When should someone seek psychological help for their fetish or fantasy?

A man wrote in and asked:

I was wondering if their are any fetishes that you would recommend seeking out psychological help for? I have a mouth and smell fetish that makes me not really want to have normal sex. I just want to smell women and kiss them. Kissing a girl gets me off very quickly. I find it very difficult to meet a woman willing to meet these standards because I don’t really want a girlfriend only to have someone that I trust not be able to fulfill these fetishes. This is very difficult and it makes me very depressed. How can I help this situation?

Can fetish go “too far”? How can fetishes work in a relationship where two people have different desires?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

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Edited: December 2nd, 2012

How to Give a Blowjob So He Cums in an Instant

A woman wants to please her well-endowed partner and needs some help. With a sore jaw, she wants to know how to give a blowjob he’ll enjoy much more (and much faster).

How can she improve her oral skills?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

And check out:
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Better Fellatio

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio

And watch this sexy beast for jaw exercises to improve your oral stamina, whether you’re going down on a man, woman, or anyone else:

Do you have any how to give a blowjob tips to share?

Edited: November 28th, 2012

My First Time at a Strip Club

Last weekend I went to a strip club the first time. Strip clubs often make women jealous, but I took my husband and bought him a lap dance. And myself one!

I didn’t know, but it the club turned out to primarily employ lesbians and bisexual girls. Being close to a “couples friendly” sex shop also meant many women, and even some lesbian couples, were also there to enjoy the view. While most the strippers looked bored while dancing for guys, many gave me and the other female patrons some special treatment.

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Hear about my first time, and please share any stories about yours! (Especially you, ladies!)

Edited: October 23rd, 2012

How to Have Anal Sex – She Wants It, Butt…

Learning how to have anal sex is a process – most couples don’t get it perfect right away.

A man wrote in and asked:

My girlfriend and I have had anal sex several times, but it only lasts for a couple minutes before she turns from feeling very comfortable with it to not being into it anymore. Don’t get me wrong, she enjoys it the same way I do. We just wonder why it goes from feeling comfortable to being uncomfortable for her.

What’s going on and what should they do? Listen and learn:

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Anything I missed? Share your anal sex lessons and leave a comment!

Edited: October 21st, 2012

Sex News: That’s Disgusting! Not If You’re Horny…

Sex News: A new study suggests women feel less disgusted when they’re sexually aroused.

A new study suggests that when girls get horny

I talk about the study and its implications – after all I wouldn’t be in business if disgust wasn’t intertwined with sexual arousal, at least for some people. I also discuss the challenges of doing sex research and some limitations of this study and others like it. Researching sex is harder than it looks (pun somewhat intended)!

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What do you think? Is it easier to talk about dirty fantasies when you and your partner are horny? When you’re aroused are you more down to get nasty?

Edited: October 15th, 2012

How Does Stress Affect Your Sex Life?

Stressed out? Welcome to the club! Modern life is pretty stressful, which can wreak havoc on your sex life.

When you’re stressed out, your body goes into fight or flight or freeze mode – and it doesn’t want to fuck. We’re so stressed out these days that our bodies aren’t often relaxed enough to want or enjoy sex.

I give a basic explanation of how the body responds to stress, proven ways to reduce stress, and have an even better sex life.

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Edited: October 7th, 2012

What Do You FEEL During Sex?

Sex is a sensual experience. Sight, sound, smell, taste, and of course – touch.

But are you THERE to enjoy it? Or do you wolf down your sex like a fast food meal on the go?

Whether alone or with a partner, how can you enjoy your sex even more?

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Edited: October 1st, 2012

Porn Sex vs “Real” Sex

What’s the secret to making sex look so great on camera? Why doesn’t “real” sex turn out so beautifully? I share behind the scenes secrets about porn sex and why YOUR sex life looks so much different. What can you learn from porn? What can porn learn from you?

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Have you learned any sex tips from porn? Got something good to share? Or something to NOT try at home? Leave a comment!

Edited: September 20th, 2012

Who Can REALLY Answer Your Sex and Sexual Health Questions?

Doctor knows best, right? WRONG. Various studies show physicians don’t know everything about STDs and sexual health… And sometimes, they’re flat out wrong.

I once spoke with a woman whose doctor told her she could get HPV from taking a shower in the locker room after soccer practice.

FYI – You can’t.

So what’s up with doctors, why do (some of them) know so little? Where should you turn to get your sex questions answered? Listen to find out…

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Edited: September 14th, 2012

How to Bring Out a Woman’s Dirty Side

I hear from fans all the time asking, “How do I get a girl like you?” One that loves anal, is kinky and down to try (almost) anything?

Well I wasn’t always this way. I used to be pretty shy and inhibited about my sexuality. It was my husband, Terry, who really brought this side of me out to play. On today’s podcast, Terry and I talk about our relationship and he gives advice to guys wanting to get a little kinkier with their woman.

Have you brought out the dirty in a girl? Or had the dirty brought out in you? Leave a comment!

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Edited: September 7th, 2012

How to Make a Girl Squirt – Learn the Technique

Learn how to make a girl squirt using fingers, toys, or dicks. Whatever floats her boat.

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Edited: August 24th, 2012

How to Make a Girl Squirt – The REAL Secret Behind Female Ejaculation

You need more than technique to know how to make a girl squirt – learn the REAL secrets here.

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Edited: August 24th, 2012

How to Make a Girl Squirt – Is Female Ejaculation A Myth?

What is female ejaculation? Can all women ejaculate? Why is squirting such a mystery? Listen and learn how to make a girl squirt.

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Edited: August 21st, 2012

Sex Problems: The ONE THING You MUST Know

We spend so much time, energy, and money on sex toys, therapists, and Viagra. But what’s REALLY causing your sex problems?

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Edited: August 19th, 2012

Reader Question: How to Make a Girl Orgasm Better?

On today’s sex podcast I share secrets on how to make a girl orgasm better. Hint: Its not a fancy new technique or toy!

The most important tip on how to make a woman orgasm is – sorry guys – to pay attention to her emotional needs. The more she feels free to express herself, the more likely she is to open up, have more satisfying female orgasm, and want to please her partner.

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Edited: August 14th, 2012

Why Do We Enjoy Kinky Fetish Sex?

Where do kinky fetish sex fantasies come from? Why do we enjoy the taboo?

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Edited: August 12th, 2012

Sex Problems: 3 Reasons You AREN’T Getting What You Want in Bed

I’m pleased to announce my new sex podcast to help you overcome to sex problems that keep you from fully enjoying your sexuality and relationships.

Titled Love, Lust & Life, this free podcast will feature sex and relationship advice. Taking a “holistic” approach, I cover not only the physical aspects of sex and love but the mental, emotional, and spiritual sides that really shape our experiences. I share my own stories and sex problems, reader questions, and interviews with fellow educators, researchers, coaches, sex workers, and even “regular people” like you. :)

Check out the first episode below, and don’t forget to subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: August 10th, 2012