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Why (Most) Sex Advice is Bullshit

From ages 14-16, I spent a lot of time on AOL. I didn’t even know what a website was! And sometimes had to spend HOURS waiting for the TELEPHONE MODEM to connect. Fucking busy signal. Anyway that has nothing to do with this blog, except that one night I wandered my way into an advice chatroom. Nobody was looking for advice. But everybody WAS ready to GIVE advice!

One might think with all the advice in the world, we’d all be doing great. Buttttttt no. I can’t tell you how much sex advice I’ve tried to take over the years only for it to fail.

Its like, someone can give you a stock tip and you could make some money. (Maybe.) But if you don’t understand how the stock market really works, or have a shitty relationship with money and blow every dime you’ve got – is that stock tip REALLY what you’re looking for? Probably not.

Its the same with sex…

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Edited: April 5th, 2014

Big Girl Sex Tips With BBW Porn Star Nicole

BBW porn star Nicole is back to talk about big sex.

A self-proclaimed fat girl, Nicole has had sex with guys of all sizes. Whether you’re a bigger girl or hoping to get with one, Nicole’s got great advice on how to make sex work at almost any size.

We also discuss Nicole’s personal sex life and how every person’s tastes are different. Experimenting is half the fun!

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Kelsey Obsession & BBW Porn Star Nicole

Kelsey Obsession & BBW Porn Star Nicole

Edited: March 19th, 2013

Sex Tips From Porn Star Nina Hartley: What if My Partner is Shy About Sex?

Legendary porn star Nina Hartley gives her sex tips on dealing with the sexually shy.

My favorite sex tips from Nina: find a way to be supportive, truly supportive. Don’t judge or get frustrated with your partner’s inhibition; that will only push them further away. Be a role model for your partner, show them what a happy, healthy, sexy person looks and acts like by the way you approach their issues.

And I second Nina Hartley’s recommendation of Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen. Made me realize I’ve always been an exhibitionist – I was just too scared to let that side of me out.

Edited: May 2nd, 2012

Sex Tips: Slow Down, Get in the Cracks, and Be Open to Sexual Healing

Sex tips and sexual healing from Shama Helena.

Helena: The first thing I teach is slow down. Everybody’s in a rush. Because guys have basically learned about sexuality by jerking off in the bathroom as quickly as they can so they don’t get caught and they take that through their whole lives. And what we’re teaching in tantra is there’s so much more to it. We become very orgasm-focused. We become very fuck-focused and what we’re teaching in tantra is the whole thing is magical, every moment is pleasurable. When we were growing up it was like, “Did you get to first base? Second base? Third base?” And what’s going on is everybody in first base is looking at second base and they’re not enjoying first base. And if you allow yourself to relax into the experience you’re actually having, instead of running an agenda, you’re going to find that you enjoy and savour experience so much more profoundly, it will blow your mind.  And it will give the woman the time and the energy she needs to open and relax.  In addition, she really needs to feel attuned with you. And if you take the time for making out and if you take the time for touching each other and bringing each other to higher states of pleasure first, you’re going to find that she’s going to be in her sexual power and then guys, look out. You’re going to have the ride of your life.

Taylor: That’s really beautiful. As I say, “You don’t go to the opera to hear the last note.”

Helena: Exactly. Another thing that’s really important to know is all those places…there’s two really important areas of the body to be aware of. One is anyplace that is normally not seen by the public. Backs of the knees, under the arms, under the breasts, the neck. All these sensitive hidden places are some of the most erotic. In addition –

Taylor: Anything that’s a crack.

Helena: There you go! Also anyplace where there maybe some injury. If you’ve got a bruise or if you’ve got someplace that’s hurting, if you give it love you will be amazed at how erotic that can become. How pleasurable and orgasmic as your body releases the tension that it’s holding in order to protect whatever area that is feeling a little wounded. So I’m not recommending you suck on wounds but what I am recommending is give those areas the love appropriate to what’s going on there and you may be surprised at the fountain of pleasure that’s available as a result.

Hear more sex tips from Shama Helena.

Edited: April 6th, 2012

Kelsey’s Sex Tips: Only Have Sex When You Want Sex

Sometimes my sex tips sound obvious. Why have sex when you don’t want it?

Unfortunately, most women (and some men) have had at LEAST one experience when they’ve had sex but really wanted something else.

When I read The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships ,and Other Adventures several years ago, it dawned on me: sex is for pleasure.

I’d previously been having sex to feel love, comfort, physical affection. I was very disconnected from my body and didn’t find much pleasure in sex. I didn’t know any other way.

Dr. Margaret Paul’s sex tips discuss some reasons we have sex:

- Feeling insecure and wanting to feel loved or validated through sex.

- Hoping that by having sex the other person will like you or love you.

- Having sex as a form of control over the other person’s feelings for you.

- Feeling sexual desire and wanting another person to take care of it for you.

- Hoping that having sex will release stress.

- Hoping that having sex will put you to sleep.

- To have a sense of power and control over someone in general.

- To avoid facing feelings of loneliness and aloneness, or other painful feelings.

- To be held and get the affection that you want.

- Feeling filled with love and wanting to express it physically to the person you love.

She states, Other than the last reason, all the others are from a wounded part of you — your wounded self.

I would add one more good reason for sex: Feeling filled with lust and wanting to express it physically to a partner also filled with lust. Good sex doesn’t require love.

See, Dr. Paul’s sex tips are coming from a sex addiction perspective – a label thrown around way too generously these days. Nonetheless, she’s got a point – sex that’s not for pleasure will not be pleasurable.

Love yourself. Respect yourself. The insecurity, loneliness, and need for power and control will be gone, and you’ll have sex for your own right reasons.

Edited: December 29th, 2011