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I’ve Moved!

You might have noticed things look a little different here.

This blog has not been updated in 2+ years. That email sign up form to the left won’t get you much, sorry. Any opinion found here may or may not reflect my current perspective; this blog has been part of my sexuality-work-in-progress and a step toward my current evolution.

This blog will soon be closing, but have no fear, a new one will soon be here:

Select old posts will be re-released, plus tons of new, fun, sexy, interesting content.

Thanks for the eyeballs, and I hope you enjoy my new project just as much, if not more. :)

And to see me naked doing weird things, click here!

Edited: September 16th, 2015

Sometimes Conservative Christians Have a Point

I don’t agree with everything this woman says, but the judgment of her choices and beliefs is sadly common. This blog is fascinating because it demonstrates that no ideology can speak for everyone, especially not one that is said to speak for 50% of the population. Its ironic that while many people who consider themselves to be feminist have done some amazing things throughout history for women (and men) (and continue to do so) yet others use the term almost as a slur – how ABC people are NOT feminists because they believe or do XYZ (such as ‘sex workers can’t be feminists because they sell their bodies to men and contribute to the patriarchy’) – and that’s a problem. For them. Because they’re soooo unenlightened. The same way people who call themselves ‘liberal’ and listen to NPR often snub their nose at ‘conservatives’ who watch Fox News – not as if they simply reflect a difference of opinion, but as if the NPR-listener is inherently better, smarter, more advanced, more “progressive” (a term that has its origins in the eugenics movement & isn’t as historically awesome as people make it out to be).

Also I personally think we’re moving into a 4th wave of feminism… but more on that another time.

Originally posted on Tumblr.

Edited: August 13th, 2014

Who’s Got Masturbation Shame?

I do I do!

Seriously, I’d think I woulda been over this shit by now. (I’ve written a bit about it before.)

But I’m notttttttt!

Or I wassssssn’t when I recorded this 6 weeks ago… (slow on the posting, to be sort of explained next podcast). The odd thing about shame is that talking about it kinda makes it go away some. So maybe listening to me talk about mine can help you give voice to yours…

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Edited: July 7th, 2014

Why (Most) Sex Advice is Bullshit

From ages 14-16, I spent a lot of time on AOL. I didn’t even know what a website was! And sometimes had to spend HOURS waiting for the TELEPHONE MODEM to connect. Fucking busy signal. Anyway that has nothing to do with this blog, except that one night I wandered my way into an advice chatroom. Nobody was looking for advice. But everybody WAS ready to GIVE advice!

One might think with all the advice in the world, we’d all be doing great. Buttttttt no. I can’t tell you how much sex advice I’ve tried to take over the years only for it to fail.

Its like, someone can give you a stock tip and you could make some money. (Maybe.) But if you don’t understand how the stock market really works, or have a shitty relationship with money and blow every dime you’ve got – is that stock tip REALLY what you’re looking for? Probably not.

Its the same with sex…

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Edited: April 5th, 2014

What IS sexually empowering?

Empowerment is a fuzzy term. I hate when articles reference dictionaries to orient their position, but I really had to look up the definition because the word is debated. What IS empowering? What ISN’T?

So according to Merriam-Webster, empowerment is:

1: to give official authority or legal power to
2: to enable definition 1
3: to promote the self-actualization or influence of

I think #3 is primarily what most people mean when they talk about empowerment. Notice it does not define what actions are empowering. In fact, to “promote… self-actualization” would imply that what IS empowering varies by individual (by each “self”). What leads me to self-actualization and what leads you to your own is probably different. Particularly if my journey includes things people often feel are inherently DISempowering, like sex work, engaging in fetishistic sex, and having multiple casual sex partners.

For some people, empowerment is getting a traditional education and landing a decent-paying job with opportunities for advancement. For others, empowerment is LEAVING that very same job to take care of one’s children, to start a business, or travel the world.

Who’s right? Is the job empowering? Or is quitting?

They’re BOTH right.

So what is sexually empowering? You tell me. Leaving behind a “normal” life and joining the porn industry has been “empowering” for me. Its taught me an awful lot about myself, about men and women, about communication, about my body, about my desires, about my boundaries. (Not to mention how to run a business and be self-reliant.) For others, like Jennie Karchner, quitting the porn industry to pursue a Master’s degree is empowering.

What pisses me off is when people turn this vague concept of empowerment into a hard definition – that certain behaviors must inherently be empowering, and others must not be. Which seems hypocritical and exactly the reason empowerment is a concept to begin with. Nobody can tell you what the right thing is to do with your life, nobody can tell me what’s right for mine. (And maybe the right thing is sometimes to do the wrong thing, because sometimes we learn big lessons about life that way.) So to draw lines around empowerment negates the whole definition.

And why does it fucking matter anyway? The amount of energy we expend judging others’ actions says more about our own problems than it does theirs.

Edited: March 19th, 2014

Sometimes The Best Sex is No Sex

For all the talk about sex on this blog, its important to say – its not everything. Sometimes we have other priorities, or desires. Or lack of desire. Not wanting sex doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is broken or doomed. Human beings are not consistent like machines. And neither is your sex drive. Sometimes you or your partner may just need a break.

Just like this couple…

I’ll be married 12 years this June. We met in our naïve 20s. My husband, all goofy granola charm, hung over my cubicle my first day at my first job. I remember he was wearing Birkenstocks with socks; he swears he never wore sandals to the office. He invited me over to watch a basketball game and get to know our co-workers. When I arrived, my East Coast sensibilities primed for an evening salon of conversation and schmoozing, I discovered I was the only one there.

Those first months were hot, and not just because we were living in the unforgiving heat of California’s desert. Every night and weekend was free, for dinners out, dancing, roaming the sidewalks aimlessly, sipping cheap margaritas, making out on public benches, falling into bed, slick with sweat.

Even as we sailed forth, like moths drawn inexplicably toward an ancient, hypnotic flame — wedding, mortgage, procreation — we never grew bored with each other. Sure, we bickered over why he absolutely wouldn’t be allowed to keep that ugly bachelor armchair with the fraying fabric, and we power-struggled over the usual flashpoints — money, outside family commitments, careers. But we always returned to the comfort of each other’s embrace, and the pleasure that sex delivered.

And then came our first baby. She rocked us, and not in the I-scored-tickets-to-that-freaking-killer-band-on-Friday-night way. Pregnancy was a shock to my system — the ballooning of my body from size 8 to size whale; the constant paranoia that something, probably something I would stupidly do, would mess it all up and harm our innocent child.

Here’s the confession the social scientists, shrinks and unburdened, childless observers of the zeitgeist are waiting for: We didn’t have sex for a year.

You read that right. A year. That is not an easy thing to admit, when our culture so tightly links sexual vibrancy and exploits with youth, happiness and worth. There is no room, especially for women, to talk honestly about the ebb and flow of sex; no room for seasons of frantic lust separated by windows of quiet and pause. If you don’t have sex for a year — a year! — your marriage must be failing. Both wife and husband must be deeply unhappy, the union not long for this world. Might as well dial up the divorce lawyers or sex therapists right now. If you don’t have sex for a year, the woman must be a certain kind of evil, frigid monster and the guy must be one foot out the door.

Except we were not unhappy. My pregnancy was rough. Post-pregnancy was rougher… trouble healing physically (because, um, not all of us are Michelle Duggar) and a demise of the state formerly known as sleep. To say nothing of the mental and emotional bruising, inflicted not only by a new, baby-dictated schedule but from the very morphing of our former identities and relationship into something new and nearly unrecognizable.

Yet we still had the things that had started it all: Our yin-yang connection, our shared values, our memories of freedom-fueled fun and years of physical intimacy. And our new level of trust: We had done something that lashed us together more tightly than any expression or experience of sexual desire ever would. We had created life out of our love for each other.

Nothing is like that trust that grows when you watch the person you love blossom with new life. When you see the man you picked out when he was a free-wheeling 28-year-old with one pair of shoes and a recipe repertoire that consisted of a single dish (pineapple-broccoli burritos) mature into a steely-strong partner you can, and will, lean on.

It’s one thing to trust a guy enough to let him buy you a cheap margarita. It’s another thing to trust a person so deeply that when you are finally having great, relieving sex again with the rare condom (in a half-assed and ultimately failed attempt to stave off the next child) and the condom slips off and gets terrifyingly lost up there, you let him own the situation. And he rescues you, extracting that errant latex with the calm reassurance of a cattle farmer extracting his 200th calf.

That’s the bad-assedness of married sex, folks.

Edited: March 4th, 2014

Faking It Is Lying And My Pants Are On Fire

I always thought faking orgasms was stupid. Why would I want to train my partner to have bad habits? I’ve never done it in real life. And I’ve only done it on camera 3 or 4 times at the beginning of my website before I decided that was stupid and unnecessary too. If I say I’m cumming, I am. If I don’t, I’m not.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t ever faked anything. I think most women have. Probably most men too. But usually in other ways…

A couple weeks ago – Terry caught me. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until he asked. Over the next few days, I kept noticing other things I’ve been faking. Faking being another term for LYING. God damn. I’m a fucking liar. Not intentionally. Not explicitly. But every time I pretend to feel a way I don’t – that’s a lie. Don’t voice my opinion in a situation where it truly matters – lie. I lie by omission to make other people happy. Or to not anger them. To avoid rocking the boat.

Not all the time, of course. Probably more than some people. Definitely less than others. But more than I’d like. Because I realized what lying does – it creates a wall. Its hard to feel close to someone when you’re not being truthful. Snuggle up all you want, you can’t break an invisible barrier.

So are you (unintentionally) wearing an emotional condom?

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Edited: February 28th, 2014

Is It Okay to Have Taboo Fantasies?

Today talking about a reader’s question about his taboo fantasies…

Is it normal to fantasize about younger girls? I would never actualy do any thing with someone under eighteen but I sometimes fantasize about being with a teen and I was wondering if this was normal.

It may not be socially acceptable, but its definitely not abnormal…

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Edited: February 7th, 2014

I <3 @JoannaAngel

She says, For myself, porn turned me into a very confident and happy woman. Prior to doing porn, I was incredibly sexually awkward, and this same awkward and insecure girl existed outside the bedroom as well. Experimenting with my sexuality in a controlled environment really did help me.

Me too.

Read more…

Edited: October 1st, 2013

Brené Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

This is pretty much my life story until around when I met Terry… and what I’ve been learning the last 6 years or so that’s made me a lot happier and healthier.

Edited: July 14th, 2013

What To Do If Your Partner Was Sexually Assaulted

I don’t like talking about sexual assault. Because its fucked up and makes me really sad. Its 100% the opposite of what I ‘preach’. Anything goes.. as long as everyone’s enjoying themselves. i.e., consenting. Anything against one’s will, coerced or without their knowledge – to say its ‘not cool’ would be the understatement of the year.

But since about 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men experience actual or attempted sexual assault at some point in their lives, its important to talk about. Its not something I know about first hand, thankfully. But I have done some research in this area and I certainly know women who have experienced it. Most likely you know some who have too… whether or not you’re aware.

In today’s podcast I discuss a listener’s question about sexual assault. The specifics of his question may not pertain to you – not many people ‘save themselves’ for marriage these days, but whatever floats your boat. Nonetheless, if you or a partner is a sexual assault survivor – this will definitely help you (help them).

Here it is:

My girlfriend and I are saving ourselves for marriage. I do feel she could be the one I marry and we are doing great. She doesn’t know about this but I am afraid when we have sex something will go wrong. You see she was sexually assaulted twice when she was a child and I am afraid I will hurt her or make her cry.

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Edited: July 10th, 2013

Taboo Fantasies – How Do I Explain it to My Partner?

Question via Tumblr:

My deepest fantasy has always been to watch a girl poop naturally in the toilet. No scat play, I only want to watch the girl relieve herself. How do I explain this to a girl without her getting creeped out? Figured I’d ask you because you specialize in fart videos (which I also like).

From what I’ve heard of this fantasy, its something experienced either with a dominatrix or in a long-term committed relationship with very open minded partners. The reason being our bathroom norms are very deeply embedded from an early age. Not only do most people not consider it sexual and find it gross, its also hard for most of us to go to the bathroom around others. Ever get ‘pee shy’?

I know a girl who was contacted about working for a scat website ran by Ira Isaacs (who has now been sentenced to prison for 4 years on obscenity charges – ridiculous IMO). She was offered a large sum of money to go #2 and (I think) use dildos in her ass after. She was considering it and went down to try it out. She had to go, but it wouldn’t come out. Anxiety gives us a ‘tight ass’ – not just in attitude, but physiologically too.

I don’t say this to discourage you, but to help you imagine what its like to be in your ideal partner’s place. In my opinion, this isn’t a first date topic of conversation, but something that could develop if you and your partner have an established relationship of trust & communication. The fact that you only want to watch works in your favor – because its simply observing something she’s already doing and doesn’t require she get directly involved in it. If you had a 2 Girls 1 Cup fantasy – that would be MUCH harder to make happen. Though anything is possible.

While going to the bathroom doesn’t turn me on, if my husband wanted to watch me I’d probably let him… but it would take some getting used to.

I’d suggest you focus on learning how to communicate well & have a happy relationship. If you already have someone, it will make it even better. If not, you’ll find someone you get along with one a sexual level in general – and can go deeper from there.

Check out these blogs & podcasts:

Toilet Fetishes – Where Taboo Meets Turn On

Let’s Talk About Sex: How a Real Life Couple Communicates About Sex

Turning Fantasy Into Reality

How to Bring Out a Woman’s Dirty Side

How to Have a Happy Relationship

Edited: June 20th, 2013

My Sexuality is Ruining My Marriage – How Can I Change My Desires?

Reader Question:

I need advise on how to curb my desires for my wife. She’s a wonderful women and I deeply love her. The problem of me wanting more than she can give. I can’t stop wanting her the ways that I do and I desires her and only her. The desire causes problems in our sex life, which in turn causes problems in our marriage.

The only option of fixing this is to help me not want these things than to change her to want them. I would like oral sex and to perform it as she doesn’t like either, I want anal sex to be part of our sex life, for her to be a bit slutty in bed, her to touch herself and pleasure herself, let down her wall and go wild, be naughty outside the comfort of the house…maybe flash every now and again when nobody is looking. These things are always brought up and never done.

What can this guy do, and how can he save his marriage?

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Edited: June 10th, 2013

A Happy Sex Life Needs a Healthy Body: Magnesium and Your Sex Drive

I recently did my first gallbladder cleanse after having some digestion problems.

I also just tried out a sensory deprivation tank (aka ‘float tank’) after stumbling across this video series on YouTube:

What does this have to do with sex?

Both involved epsom salt (magnesium sulfate) – and a LOT of it. Drinking it for the cleanse, then floating in about 800 lbs of it in the sensory deprivation tank. I’ve been into natural health for several years and have seen a HUGE improvement in how my body feels. I used to eat McDonald’s all the time, but in the last 4 years I’ve switched to a mostly organic diet, no HFC/aspartame/transfats/etc., and only using pharmaceutical drugs when absolutely necessary (turns out, its not that often with a better diet!). But I didn’t know that a majority of Americans are seriously magnesium deficient even with a healthy diet.

According to Dr. Carolyn Dean, magnesium is important not only for general health, but for our sex lives! Magnesium increases circulation, relaxes muscles and can be very calming – all the prerequisites for having a good sex life. Or, at least, some of them! Magnesium deficiency is also associated with PMS.

During my cleanse I felt VERY calm and had really really REALLY great sex (this was before I was sick in the bathroom pooping out gallstones). I had multiple orgasms and squirted buckets. And since the float tank, my muscles have been more relaxed in general and my pussy feels more sensitive – in a good way! I wasn’t doing it for the sexual benefits – I didn’t know there’d be any – but that’s always a pleasant ‘side effect!’ I’m following up with a second cleanse this weekend.

Think about it – you have sex with your body. Its your sexual instrument, so to speak. If its out of tune or falling apart – it won’t make very good music. Right? That’s not limited to magnesium, but hey! – this can be a start.

So check out this video to get a more complete understanding of how magnesium deficiency affects the body, what you may be doing to make it worse, and how you can improve your physical (and mental) health:

Edited: May 30th, 2013

Interview With 100% Lesbian Porn Star Lily Cade

Lily Cade is a “gold star lesbian” porn star, meaning she’s 100% into girls – she’s never fucked a guy and never wants to.

Lily started in sex work as a dominatrix in college and has been performing in adult films since 2008.

Lily is one of a few California legal married lesbians and shares an open relationship with her wife. Lily has been with hundreds of women on camera and off – her blunt honesty gets her into more girls’ panties than most guys would dream of.

Hear Lily talk about her experience in the adult world, her advice for getting women into bed and how to stay happy in an open relationship.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Follow Lily on Twitter!
Watch us both at and

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Edited: March 17th, 2013

How to Bring Fetish Into Your Sex Life

You may enjoy a sexual fetish on your own, but how do you bring it to life with your partner?

Hear the answer to this question in my interview with Dr. Fran of I interviewed Dr. Fran several weeks ago about her experience going from Roman Catholic nun to sex therapist. Dr. Fran invited me onto her podcast to share all about fetish, how I became a fetish porn star, and how couples can explore their fantasies and fetishes together.

On a mobile device? Click to listen.

Edited: December 29th, 2012

What’s Your Orgasm History?

Carlin Ross, of describes her “orgasm history:”

The earliest orgasm I remember was in the bathtub. When I was a girl, bath time was the only time I was left alone. My mom would run a bath and I’d jump in with my toys waiting until she left to slide out of the bathtub and ever so quietly lock the door behind her. Then I would turn on the faucet, sit down over the drain, and prop my little legs on either side. The water would run over my clitoris until I had my first orgasm. The first orgasm always took the longest. And the thought of my mother catching me made it all more exciting. She never did come back in time to ruin my masturbation party. She was easily distracted so I had a good 15 minutes to myself.

With each orgasm, I would turn down the water flow so by the time I was 3-4 orgasms in just a trickle of water would send me into orgasmic bliss. To this day, I love to have my clit teased with subtle licking and pressure. When I knew my time alone was about to end, I’d slip back out of the tub and unlock the door. One time my mom asked me about the marks on my bottom – I’d been sitting on the bathtub drain for quite a while and it had left little circles all over my cheeks. She never put two and two together.

One afternoon when I came home from school I found my brother up in a tree hanging gym ropes. You know those thick ropes they make you climb for those state fitness tests. We were all very excited to have school gym equipment in our backyard. I had no idea how much I was going to enjoy climbing those ropes…

Read on…

What’s your orgasm history?

Edited: November 24th, 2012

What’s the Point of a “Perfect Body” if You’re All Alone?

When I’m thinner…
When I’m making more money…
When I finish school…

Life will be better…?

We run around in circles trying to achieve, as if life will be better when we hit our target weight, paycheck, or degree. We’ll be more desirable, have nicer things, or better job opportunities.

Or perhaps we’ll become more intimidating to potential partners, have less time to enjoy our fancy toys, or take a crappy service sector job and move back in with mom and dad, all to start paying off that student loan debt.

The grass is always greener, isn’t it?

Via Postsecret.

What are you waiting for?

Edited: October 16th, 2012

Women Against Pornography: Is Pornography Propaganda Against Women?

Short answer: No. Not according to Laura Kipnis, author of Bound and Gagged: Pornography and the Politics of Fantasy in America

Pornography does, in an emotional sense, do profound violence – emotional violence – to some women. However, for women who hate pornography, the violence it inflicts is to female identity and “female sensibility”

Not all women dislike pornography; some even like it a lot. So obviously there’s a spectrum of female identities. But the problem most women who don’t like porn is that they don’t recognize the female characters in it as “like me” – either physically, or in their desires. These big-breasted porno bimbos want to have sex all the time, with any guy no matter how disgusting, will do anything, moan like they like it, and aren’t repulsed by male body fluids – in fact, adore them – wherever they land. Women who dislike porn refer to this as a male fantasy, but what exactly is it a fantasy about? Well, it seems like a fantasy of a one-gender world, a world in which male and female sexuality is completely commensurable, as opposed to whatever sexual incompatibilities actually exist.

Women Against Pornography

Women Against Pornography

Heterosexual pornography creates a fantastical world composed of two sexes but one gender, and that one gender looks a lot more like what we think of (perhaps stereotypically) as “male.” Pornography’s premise is this: What would a world in which men and women were sexually alike look like? (The romance [book] industry proposes a similar hypothesis in reverse: What would the world look like if men were emotionally and romantically compatible with women?) So pornography’s fantasy is also of gender malleability, although one in which it’s women who should be the malleable ones. Whereas feminism’s (and romance fiction’s) paradigm of gender malleability is mostly that men should change. It’s possible that the women who are most offended by pornography are those most invested int he idea of femininity as something static and stable, as something inborn that inheres within us. (“Women are like this, men are like that.”) But of course, sexuality is completely malleable (and sexuality is a component of gender, by which I mean masculinity and femininity), altering radically over history, or with education level, age, religion, etc.

One model for looking at pornography oddly be as a kind of science fiction; that is, as a fantasy about futurity, whose setting is the present. We don’t get offended when science fiction imagines different futures, even dystopic ones set in worlds that look like our own. Of course one reason that women, and particularly feminists, have a hard time either enjoying pornography as an interesting gender fantasy, or dismissing it as a harmless gender fantasy, is our worry that in a world in which men have more social power than women, men have the power to force their fantasy of a one-gender world onto unwilling women, who have their own ideas about how female sexuality should feel. But is pornography proffered (and enjoyed) as a form of propaganda? And if you think so, why presume that pornography alone, among the vast range of cultural forms, works as indoctrination, whereas every other popular genre is understood as inhabiting the realm of fiction, entertainment, even ideas, not as having megalomaniacal ambitions to transform the world into itself? We don’t spend a lot of time worrying that viewers of pro wrestling will suddenly be seized with some all-consuming impulse to wrestle innocent passersby to the ground. On what grounds are such megalomaniacal intentions imputed to pornography?

Edited: March 6th, 2012

6 Things You Must Know About Sexuality, From Ev’Yan

I LOVE this blog post on sexuality (bold statements are mine):

1.) Everyone is sexual.
Your grandmother. Your great-uncle. Your next door neighbor.

The homeless man sitting in a wheelchair. The girl with coke-bottle glasses that bags your groceries. The elderly woman with a cane that gives you a toothless grin as you’re walking down the street.

They are all sexual, just as you are sexual.

Sexuality is not a privilege or a gift presented to an exclusively selected mass of people. It is bestowed upon all us from the moment we are conceived & its essence is carried with us into the afterlife.

We are all born with sexual energy emanating throughout our organs, cells, & muscle tissue.

All of us.

How (& if) we choose to manifest our sexual nature is as personal & unique as the color of our eyes.

Sometimes when I walk around in public, I try to imagine the random people I see as sexual. It challenges my own ideas of sex, sexuality, and sexiness.

2.) Sexuality is/can be fluid.
As much as we’d all like to think that our sexualities can be housed within rigid labels, it’s not as simple as that. The sexual energy that resides within us isn’t specific, it just is what it is: erotically, carnally, instinctively sexual.

Sometimes you are born with an innately specific orientation. Sometimes you can choose. (And by “choose” I mean explore.)

I like to think that one can form the way they express their sexuality through delicate self-discovery, & that it can be a liberating experience to make such a decision.

To choose flexibility, to choose exploration, & to accept the sometimes flightiness of our sexual nature… this is your right. This exhibits exquisite centeredness & self-love.

It’s important to know that the box we tick underneath the word “Orientation” doesn’t have to be cemented for the rest of our lives. Just as we evolve, so do our sexualities & the preferences we have within them.

That is, if we allow room for growth & exploration (& I believe everyone should).

I would add to this — sexual fluidity isn’t just about the gender of your sex partners, your “sexual orientation.” Sexuality is fluid, period. From a day-to-day basis (some days I want sensual massage, other days I want my hair pulled and my ass pounded) to decade-long sexual evolution (it was about 10 years from the time I was first attracted to women, to the time I saw myself as bisexual). What you want at any one moment does not necessarily relate to what you want in another.

3.) Your sexuality is expressed in many ways.
Not just within the act of sex (or intercourse) but in other things.

The art you create. The tone of your voice. The musical notes you pluck on your harp. The way your hair naturally curls. The rhythm of your heartbeat. The sound your belly makes when it’s hungry. The manner of which you walk. The poetry in the words you speak.

These things contain sexual energy because you contain sexual energy.

You do not need to have sex to be a sexual being. You already are one, even as you are sitting here reading these words.

Perhaps you don’t feel as sexual now when compared to when you are fully aroused. But trust me… your eroticism is there.

If you are in the throes of creation,your sexual energy is likely immersed in it in some way, no matter how small.

Sexual energy creates us, brings life into existence. That same energy inspires us to create our own lives, and create within our lives.

4.) You cannot get rid of your sexual nature.
You can diminish it with negative thoughts. You can scare it away with religious dogmas. You can abstain from sexual pleasure for decades.

But you will never be without your sexuality. You can never stop being a sexual being.

Your carnality is always within you & it will always be a part of you. You would not be you without it.

Life would be a lot less fun, too.

5.) Your sexuality should be explored.
Even if you know for certain that you’re as straight as the proverbial arrow, examine the intricacies of your sexual nature.

What does it mean to you to be straight? Did you choose the orientation you identify with or were born with it? What do your sexual desires look like? What has the propensity to turn you on? In what ways do you express your erotic hunger? If you could give your sexual energy a color or shape, what would it be?

You could even take a gander at The Kinsey Scale.

Experiment. Stay curious. Ask questions. Your answers might surprise you.

Maintain a state of intrigue about your sexuality & all that it encompasses. Wander through the complexities of your sexual nature (because it is quite complex).

When you judge your desires, you’re really judging yourself. Be open to whatever comes.

6.) Your sexuality is sacred.
The expression of it. The definition of it. The way it makes you feel. All of these things, no matter what it looks like, is beautiful. It is yours & no one else’s.

There’s no need to compare your sexuality to the way it is expressed/cultivated by others. Just as there is no one identical human being on this planet, there is no one identical expression of sexuality.

There is also no preferred type or demonstration of sexuality. It can be as subtle, as broad, as passionate, as unrefined as you like it to be.

And that’s just it. Be.

Go easy on yourself & the desires you do (& do not) have. Celebrate the uniqueness of your carnality, don’t disregard it. Keep your heart open to the possibility of change & refinement.

Mind your sexuality. Honor it & keep it safe.

It is a precious life force.

I’ll repeat: And that’s just it. Be.

Edited: November 29th, 2011

Eyes Wide Shut

Nobody ever told me to look away from the screen when a sex scene came on TV or at the movies. I did it all on my own. I looked away because I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want anyone to think I wanted to watch (when I all I wanted to do was stare with my mouth hanging open).

Averting my eyes was a self-imposed regulation of my sexuality. Ev’Yan was told not to look. It doesn’t matter so much what we were told, when we live in a culture that glorifies violence and degrades sexuality (see This Film is Not Yet Rated). Ev’Yan writes,

I was allowed to see graphic portrayals of rapes, beatings, mutilations, & lynchings amongst Black people in Civil War-era films (for “educational” purposes).
I was allowed to see striking images of drug use, violent gang activity, war crimes, & domestic battery between fictional characters & their families on screen.
I was even allowed to see films with semi-evil & disturbing overtones (I watched The Shining when I was eight).
In these instances, I was seldom told to look away.
But when it came to images of sex — a reenactment of one of the most essential & beautiful facets of human nature — my child eyes were covered by the strong, calloused palms of my father. Always.
It’s worth mentioning that I’ve never seen sexual content in any film — as a child or an adult — that was so explicit that it damaged my being; I’ve never wanted to un-remember a sex scene.
The lynchings & violent rapes in my “Black history lessons”, however, are permanently stamped into my consciousness. It is those “educational” images that I wish I could forget.
I am twenty four & I still find myself cringing during sex scenes. Perhaps out of residual mortification of the past, but likely out of habit.

I still fight the urge to look away at sex scenes. Even porn. Despite the little girl in me who’s scared to show her sexuality, at 28 I’m now free to stare, open-mouthed, hand down my pants (if I’m wearing any).

Edited: November 24th, 2011

Practicing My Kegels: Update

As I wrote a few weeks ago, I learned how to properly do keel exercises and I’ve been practicing.

The Kegel Queen said it’d be about 90 days before I felt a major change, but I’ve already noticed some differences:

- I’m more aware of my clit, in a general sense. Sitting here now, if I relax and focus my attention, I feel the undercurrent of arousal (I DO want to fuck my boyfriend right now, but I’m here writing instead.)

- Its getting easier to isolate the PC muscles. When I first tried, I tensed up my legs and abdomen, in a similar way to my masturbation practice.

- Last night when I fucked my boyfriend, I’d climbed on top and was able to squeeze my muscles while riding him. It definitely increased my arousal and helped me stay present when my mind wanted to disassociate.

- I notice when I’m unconsciously tensing my pussy, particularly if I’m anxious or upset. When I feel it happening, I’m able to release and relax.

Best advice she gave me was to do them in the morning before I get out of bed. I haven’t missed a day and its a great way to wake my body up!

Edited: November 17th, 2011

The Importance of Kegels: Tensing AND Relaxing Your Pussy


I recently interviewed the Kegel Queen for my first sex ed DVD. According to the Queen, most women don’t know how to do kegels properly, how often to do them, or how many to do. I was in this camp, so I didn’t really do them, despite the purported outcome of more intense orgasms and heightened arousal.


Aside from how to actually do them, how often, and how many — the most important thing I learned is that its not only about tensing, but relaxing. When I first tried kegels maybe 10 years ago, I somehow thought it’d be better to just clench and hold. I reasoned that if the clenching is the exercise, I’d get a stronger workout by holding as much as possible. Sometimes I’d walk around all day tensing my vaginal muscles. Not only did it not really help, but years later I still carried the tension in my body.


She made the analogy: if you want to work out your biceps, you don’t walk around with your arm flexed holding a weight all day. You do reps – tense and relax, tense and relax. Same goes for the pussy. Its difficult to receive pleasure if your body is tense.


Seems ridiculous I’ve gone 28 years without knowing how to properly do a kegel, but she’s worked with 60 year-old women who have never touched their vaginas, let alone worked ‘em out. Its sad women are so uninformed about their bodies, but I’m thankful women like the Kegel Queen are on a mission to share her knowledge and experience.

Edited: October 30th, 2011

Objectifying my boyfriend turns me on: Clone-a-Willy

I lay on my belly, hands holding my pink vibrator on my clit, staring at my boyfriend’s dick.  He was taking a nap in the other room, but his cock was staring me in the face.  I brought it in the bedroom with me in case I felt like penetration.  I didn’t.


I gave myself a half an hour simply to be in my body.  That was my only goal.  But I also felt like having an orgasm, and as usual was having trouble focusing.  Until I opened my eyes and saw it.


First, I wanted to put it in my mouth and suck on it while I played with my clit.  Then I remembered the horrible taste – I don’t know what’s in this dildo, but its got the worst flavor of any toy I’ve ever used.  So that was out.  Then I imagined myself being fucked… but I didn’t want to move, either.  I was enjoying the position I was in.


So I masturbated gazing at his clone-a-cock, wanting it in me but unable to have it.  I’ve got a thing for pleasure denial.  I focused on the patterns of his skin, the tiny grooves and creases I don’t usually notice on the real thing.  My eyes followed the ridge of his circumcision and the part of foreskin that looks like it wasn’t cut properly.  I breathed, amazed at the beauty of this… thing lying on the bed next to me.  The literal objectification of my boyfriend’s penis – that I want in me, on me, around me, all over me – that I’d have a threesome foursome fivesome moresome with if somehow I could clone him.


I was aroused by my own arousal, by my yearning for his dick – fake and real.  I came easily.  I savored the contractions that continued even after the peak of orgasm had passed.


How ironic that objectifying him eased my anxiety, brought me into the present, enhanced my arousal and brought me to orgasm.  He doesn’t mind being objectified.  I see it as a compliment to him, that I don’t want anything else in my pussy except his dick, whether or not he’s there.  Funny how feminists never seem to “problematize” realistic dildos.

Edited: October 25th, 2011

Porn’s an Okay Choice, if its Temporary and You’ve Got a Noble Cause

Tyler and Berkley, Amateur Porn Stars Record Sex to Support Their Child

They hope that by the time their daughter is old enough to understand — or wonder — what her parents do for a living, that they won’t be doing it anymore. At least not “seriously.” Tyler’s goal is to make enough money so that he can go to college, or learn a trade, so that they won’t have to rely on porn for income.

They’re always paying their way through college, aren’t they? Right.

Edited: October 20th, 2011