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Are Men and Women REALLY Different in Bed?

We both want pleasure. We both want orgasms. But what gets us there is – for most men & women – not exactly the same.

Understand how we see things a bit differently, and how you can create an awesome sexual experience you both enjoy. If you’ve been listening to my ‘how to get your girl to be dirty’ podcasts lately, this one is key to help release her wild side.

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Edited: November 5th, 2013

How to Get the Girl

Does it ever feel like women just aren’t interested? Maybe they are, but you’re missing the signs.

Let me share a story that may help you… about a friend who came over and asked, “Kelsey, can I feel your boobs?”

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Edited: July 15th, 2013

My Wife’s Libido is Really Down – How Can We Reverse It?

Question via Tumblr: My wife’s libido is really down, how can we reverse it?

There are approximately 16 vagillion reasons why a person’s sex drive can change. Without knowing more about your situation, I can only give you a few suggestions:

- Relationship problems

- Hormonal imbalance, particularly from xenoestrogens in the environment (such as soy, BPA, phthalates, parabens, artificial fragrance in beauty & household products, meat & milk from animals treated with rBST/rGBH) – for BOTH of you. If your hormones are off, you may turning her off unintentionally.

- Nutritional deficiency

- Stress

- Medication side effects

- Negative beliefs about sexuality, like “Sex is wrong,” “Sex is dirty” (and not in the fun way), “I don’t deserve to feel good.”

- Not getting what she actually wants in the bedroom

I think for many people – its all of the above. I’d suggest talking to her and ask how she feels about the situation. Let her know you miss the intimacy (I assume) you used to have. Perhaps there is something going on relationship-wise that you don’t know. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with her sexuality in some way, or has preferences she hasn’t expressed. These issues may take time to come to the surface, because if she isn’t telling you something – there’s probably a reason from her perspective.

If there’s nothing emotional or psychological going on, it may be a good idea to see a doctor and get her (and your) hormones, thyroid, vitamin & mineral levels checked out. Eat a healthier diet, exercise and work to get off medications (there are natural ways to cure many ailments, though your doctor won’t tell you that). Be careful of hormone replacement therapy, progesterone creams, etc. that can increase estrogen levels. Dr. Nick Delgado is a GREAT resource for hormonal issues, and can do extensive testing & supplementation to help if that’s part of the problem.

Also, check out these blogs & podcasts – they may give you some additional insight into your particular situation:

Can Viagra Help Female Sexual Dysfunction?

Reader Question: How to Make a Girl Orgasm Better

Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore… Addressing Typical Relationship Problems

Edited: June 29th, 2013

Women’s Sexual Desire is Just as Strong and ‘Ravenous’ as Men’s

Think she doesn’t want sex as much as he does? As I’ve written & discussed, relationship issues and stress can definitely impact a woman’s sexuality (IMO, more than guys… though it affects them too). Social norms too (“good girls” “shouldn’t” get too wild…). But sex IS important to women.

So why do many people still think that all women want is love & romance? Don’t get me wrong, those are great. But it doesn’t mean we don’t want to FUCK too!

So Journalist Michael Bergner asked the question: What do women want?

Bergner found that female sexuality is everything we tell ourselves about male sexuality – that it’s base, ravenous and animalistic – is true of female sexuality.

Certain qualities society has traditionally attributed to women – that they are inherently and biologically better suited to monogamy, that women’s desires are based in romantic love – are ‘scarcely more than a fairy tale‘, writes Bergner.

The idea of women being passive and men being the initiators of sexual contact is also a myth, both in the human and the animal worlds, says Bergner.

Women’s sexual desires and fantasies are often submissive or passive, says Bergner, and he believes ‘the force of culture has, to some degree, inverted things’ in terms of how women think about themselves and sex.

‘The force of culture puts some level of shame on women’s sexuality and a fantasy of sexual assault is a fantasy that allows for sex that is completely free of blame,’ Bergner told Salon.com.

‘So that’s one reason. Another, which [researcher, Marta] Meana brings up, and which I think is very compelling, is this idea that the feeling of being desired is a very powerful one, a very electrical one. And I think at least at the fantasy level, that sense of being wanted, and being wanted beyond the man’s self-control is also really powerful,’ he said, addressing the idea of submission fantasies.

‘Being a human who is sexual, who is allowed to be sexual, is a freedom accorded by society much more readily to males than to females,’ Terri Fisher, Professor of Psychology at Ohio State University tells Bergner in the book.

If you’re into a woman and she’s a bit shy… that means she may need your help in bringing out that dirty side of her.

Edited: June 24th, 2013

Does Women’s Sexuality Have a Place in Sex Work?

The adult industry has a rep for stylizing “male” desires and using the female body to conform. In the internet age, as more women become sex workers by choice, creating and owning their experiences – I’m seeing a new wave in the adult world.

Just wanted to let you know that masturbating along with you for the last hour or so has been an incredibly erotic experience … the perfect meditation that i had been looking for as part of a Taoist yogic practice of prolonged erotic energy play. It was also a wonderful learning experience about female sexuality … getting on to the wavelength of how you touch yourself, how your arousal builds, transforms, etc. After a while i began to mirror your touching, treating the head of my penis like your clitoris, the shaft like your lips, etc. (although mirroring you touching inside your vagina was a bit problematic … so i settled for alternating between the base of my shaft and my perineum. ;-) ) Anyway … thanks for an incredibly memorable experience.

I got this message after one of my voyeur webcam masturbation shows. While I watched amazing female-shot & directed girl-girl porn (review coming soon!), I focused on simply touching my body in ways that felt good. No destination, not trying to have an orgasm or do anything specific. I squirted because my body wanted to, but I didn’t orgasm. And guess what – it was far more enjoyable than the times I’ve tried and “succeeded.”

For all the times I wondered whether there was a place for real expressions of women’s sexuality in sex work – sans performance – this was a nice note to remind me that absolutely, there is. I think the adult world is hungry for women’s true desires… Because I think by and large, the world is malnourished, having learned that a disassociative masculine approach to sexuality IS sex.

When you come across a real, nourishing meal — eat it up.

Edited: February 13th, 2013

I Feel Like a Teenage Girl

I put up a profile on Model Mayhem this week. I never used the site before but was told its good to find photographers for trade shoots (we both work for free and both get the photos at the end). I’ve started taking photos for my website and to post on Tumblr & Twitter. It feels VERY awkward to me. Videos are different, there’s an action I can focus on, I just have to keep in mind where the camera is located so it can see. With pictures I’m just… standing there.

I just don’t have experience. So I’m looking for a photographer who can help me get comfortable with the camera. I love looking at erotic photos, sometimes more than porn. Sometimes mine turn out okay, but I can still see I’m uncomfortable. Last time Terry kept making me laugh while he shot, and the pics turned out more natural. But I’d like to be confident because I have some awesome photoshoot ideas – I just have to feel more sure of myself.

Perhaps its that I said I was an adult model in my profile, or that I said I preferred erotic and nude shoots (something I noticed many girls won’t do) – but I got 40 messages in less than 24 hours. I had to take down the ad. I was surprised. I grew up envying the popular girls and magazine models. I thought the pretty girls had it all. And I wasn’t one of them. Despite people complimenting my appearance all the time, I often feel like a teenager in my own body.

My awkwardness about all this reflects, I suppose, the overall feeling I have about my sexuality. I was always taught to value my brains over my body. Not a bad lesson. But now I’m combining the two. Feels like one side is overdeveloped, the other is underdeveloped. The lopsidedness feels adolescent.

Lately, my body looks adolescent too. I’ve lost more weight because of a health-related diet I’m on, and I was NOT intending to lose any. That may not bother me so much except its a physical reminder of how uncomfortable I feel inside.

Which is improvement. I’ve been exploring my own fantasies, my body, and re-shaping how I do my work a LOT in the past month. I had something of a breakdown in December; things HAD to change. Reinforced by a serious family emergency a couple weeks ago. I’m still working through it.

And for once, I feel happy to do it. Excited for the process. Because that’s really what sex – and life – is about. A button to give you an orgasm would be cool, but it’d get old. Because the pleasure is in the building of arousal. Appreciating the valleys as well as the peaks. Sometimes diverting or holding off now for a longer, deeper and more pleasurable experience.

So its cool I feel awkward. It means I can feel. And if I can feel this, I can feel a lot more of the fun stuff too.

Edited: January 25th, 2013

Can Viagra Help Female Sexual Dysfunction?

Over 40% of US women supposedly have “female sexual dysfunction.”

What IS female sexual dysfunction? Can it be fixed with a little blue pill? Or is something else going on with American women today?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

And check out the trailer for Orgasm Inc.:

Edited: December 19th, 2012

Women’s Sexuality & Female Orgasm: No Change in Stats Since the 70s?

Are women really sexually liberated, considering female orgasm is just as elusive as in the 70s? What do these stats say about women’s sexuality in American culture?

Author Naomi Wolf has a new book out – Vagina: A New Biography. She laments that despite waves of feminism and efforts toward women’s rights, many women are just as dissatisfied with their sex lives as in the 70s:

The modern history of female sexuality has been plagued with misinformation, embarrassment and sexual frustration. When Shere Hite brought out her famous (and, at the time, notorious) Hite Report on Female Sexuality in 1976, about a third of women self-reported that they did not have orgasms when they wished to during sex. This finding preceded Hite’s important — for the time — assertion that penetration was not all there was in terms of female sexual response, and a wave of information about female sexuality followed. Although the Hite Report was initially greeted with great controversy, in the end society agreed that women’s pleasure and sexual wellbeing mattered and deserved respectful inquiry.

But here’s one number that says it all: between 12% and 43% of women in America… say they feel a loss of libido, a decline of desire. Other estimates put the prevalence rate at about one third of American women. The Association of Reproductive Health Professionals claim that 30% of women do not reach orgasm regularly when they wish to — a percentage that has not budged since Hite’s report.

With pleasure so elusive and mockery of the very discussion so normative — even in “serious” venues such as the New York Times and the Washington Monthly — it seems clear that women have a long way to go before we are living in a society respectful of our bodies, minds and the connections between the two. We deserve a climate in which women’s sexual self-knowledge is valued and in which new information is welcomed into mainstream discussion and discussed as if we are grown-ups rather giggling third graders or hysterical chaperones at a 1950s prom.

Edited: October 2nd, 2012

Is Women’s Sexuality More Open Than Men’s?

Psychologist Lisa Diamond finds that women’s sexuality is more “fluid.” No, I don’t mean having a wet pussy…

In her 2008 book, “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire,” she writes that women’s sexuality appears to be much more fluid than men’s, and that this fluidity tends to involve three main characteristics:

– Non-exclusivity in attractions: can find either gender sexually attractive
– Changes in attractions: can suddenly find a man or woman sexually attractive after having been in a long-term relationship with the other
– Attraction to the person, not the gender

Research seems to support the idea that some women are able to move between relationships with both genders without blinking an eye – and that labels matter little.

Maybe the lesson here is that love and lust are about people, not about labels – and I think that can only be a good thing.

This very much describes my sexuality, not just about the gender I’m attracted to, but the wide variety of sexual fantasies and acts that turn me on.

But this phenomenon could also be because lesbianism and bisexuality are more socially acceptable for women than men, so men may be less likely to openly pursue same-sex relationships even if they feel attracted. On webcam, I often talk to men who have a “forced bisexual” fantasy, where we roleplay that I force them to suck cock or take it up the ass — and they like it.

Are women more open about their sexual preferences than men? What do you think?

Edited: September 16th, 2012

Reader Question: How to Make a Girl Orgasm Better?

On today’s sex podcast I share secrets on how to make a girl orgasm better. Hint: Its not a fancy new technique or toy!

The most important tip on how to make a woman orgasm is – sorry guys – to pay attention to her emotional needs. The more she feels free to express herself, the more likely she is to open up, have more satisfying female orgasm, and want to please her partner.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: August 14th, 2012

What is Women’s Sexuality? There’s No Right Answer.

For awhile I’ve struggled with my version of women’s sexuality.

There are so many books, videos, and people who say definitively that THIS (fill in the blank) is what women want. Be it romance, spirituality, monogamy, or the #1 GUARANTEED METHOD TO MAKE ANY WOMAN ORGASM (riiiiight). And with all that noise, its been a learning experience to tune into myself. I don’t give a shit what anyone says women want. I care about what I want.

So what do I want? I’m finally starting to understand, to communicate it, and to allow myself to let go and receive it when it comes.

Unlike my husband, I’m not looking for any specific act in a sexual encounter. I’d usually like my pussy to be played with in some way, but how doesn’t often matter. What I want is an experience, a feeling that I get with him. I want him to lead me somewhere without my knowing the exact destination (if there is one). I want to trust he’ll take me somewhere I want to go, or depending on my mood, give me the space to drive the car. I want to feel both his physical strength and his gentleness, his love with just a hint of aggression. I want to feel safe being vulnerable because in that space I can let go. I want to “worship” his body, his smell, his taste, to appreciate and give pleasure to this person who makes me feel that.

Evolutionary psychologists like Roy Baumstein and Lisa Diamond believe that women’s sexuality is more “plastic” or variable than men’s. They study the phenomenon that women are more likely to fall in love “with the person, not the gender” – and forgo a straight or gay identity for someone they care about. This seems to reflect my experience, not exactly in terms of sexual orientation but rather the specific sexual activities I’ll practice in my personal life.

Whereas my husband is focused on licking, fingering, and fucking my pussy or ass, I’m fairly open as to what we do. Sometimes I’ll want my pussy licked, or toys in my ass, or my feet rubbed and sucked while I masturbate. Sometimes I want to be massaged, sometimes I want to suck his dick, sometimes I want him to fuck my ass HARD. I love to role-play – sometimes I’m in charge, but more often I’m submissive – sometimes in a loving, caring situation, others in a pseudo rape fantasy.

What I want is space to allow these fantasies and desires to rise and blossom. I don’t always know what I’ll want until I’m in the middle of it. Sometimes I choose to let him run the show, only giving feedback if, say, his tongue is too far to the left. Other times I describe a fantasy, a sensation, or act I’m craving in the moment. Whatever it is that I want is not static, and my desires today don’t necessarily reflect what I’ll crave tomorrow. If the stereotypical woman constantly changes her mind, then I suppose that’s my experience of women’s sexuality. So be it.

Edited: July 5th, 2012

Masculine vs Feminine, Men’s vs Women’s Sexuality: Desire

Differences in men’s and women’s sexuality: what do we desire?

Men’s sexuality tends to focus on a specific act or the orgasm, where women’s sexuality takes a “journey.” As a generalization, of course, but one I find true for myself, my friends, and people who email me sex questions.

Here’s an example from my own life –

Him: What do you want?

Me: I don’t want anything specific. I just want to spend time with you and have sex, but I don’t really care what we do. I just want to do whatever feels right at the time.

Him: So… you want me to fuck your pussy? But I thought you’re ovulating.

Me: [Frustrated groan.] No, I don’t care about fucking my pussy. And we can’t now anyway [yes, I am ovulating]. I just want to enjoy being with you and whatever happens, happens.

Him: So… what do you want to do?

The next morning:

Him: I know you want me to eat your pussy or something, but you’re acting sad and that’s not a turn on.

Me: [Frustrated ughhhh] I don’t care about you eating my pussy. I just want to be sexual with you and not plan out what happens. Maybe you eat my pussy, maybe you don’t. It feels like either I’m “servicing” you or you’re “servicing” me. It doesn’t feel like we do much together.

Him: Well that’s because we like different things.

Me: No it isn’t. I want to do what we both like, at the same time. I want to get turned on by you getting turned on and enjoying yourself. I want us both to have fun together, doing a bunch of different things. Its not that I don’t like how we do things, its just too task-oriented. Its too masculine, with a specific goal. Its like that John Gray guy says, its fast food sex where you order your specific items, vs gourmet meal sex where you have all these different things at the same time in a nice setting.

I’m not asking you to do any specific act with me, I’m just asking for your time. I want the context where I can feel close to you and REALLY get turned on. I crave that connection with you. Whatever we do doesn’t really matter.

Edited: May 20th, 2012

Kinky Fetish Sex is Easy… “Making Love” is a Challenge: Reflections on My Version of Women’s Sexuality

Women’s sexuality: What does it mean? More pointedly, what does it mean to me? What does it (or men’s sexuality, for the guys) mean to you?

Just as we all like different foods, so too do we like different sex. We each have a unique emotional relationship to the foods we eat. Some overeat while others starve themselves; I’ve often used food for comfort myself. We similarly have a unique emotional experience with our sexuality, shaped by our own baggage, hangups, and those things we call our “issues.” So what is women’s sexuality (or men’s, for that matter)? All I can say is, here’s mine at the moment:

Though I make porn for a living, my primary social circles aren’t in the adult industry. When I talk with “civilians” (people outside the industry) and explain my vision and how I’m working toward it, I’m often complimented on my bravery. People who see my YouTube videos email me their questions, nothing things like, “I’m not as open about my sexuality as you,” and “You’re so courageous for taking on these fetish topics and expressing yourself.”

Not to toot my own horn, but they’re right. It took almost 3 years of producing and starring in my videos before I really felt confident in my choices. It was a huge challenge to follow my exhibitionist desire to experiment on camera, not to mention exploring more private desires in my personal life.

But they’re also wrong. Its become fairly easy to express the wild crazy aspects of my sexuality. I am an exhibitionist. I am pretty kinky. I do have a dirty mind. I will try new sexual things for the hell of it. I have no problem sharing and acting out these fantasies with my husband. And its no big deal to do crazy shit on camera, whether its my personal fetish or not. I fully accept and love that part of myself.

But that’s not the only side of my sexuality. There’s a softer side, a more – for lack of a better word – feminine side. This part of myself seems to be a deeper challenge – the part of myself that truly allows myself to feel physical pleasure. Fetish, for me, is largely a mental desire. As someone who’s lived most her life in her head, it feels natural. It feels good too, but the turn on and get off comes primarily from the mind.

But oral sex, for instance, is physical. Its my partner using their mouth to (theoretically) make me feel good. Its all about my pussy. “Making love” (or “playing” as I prefer to call that sort of sex), to me, is about sensual pleasure. His goosebumps beneath my fingers, the taste of his saliva, the smell of our sweat mixing together. His mouth on my clit, his fingers at my g-spot.

And at present, that can feel scary. Its vulnerable, to ask for what I want, sensually, and to allow myself to receive it. To let that guard down with another human being present. Hell, even to do so with myself at times. Its not that it never happens – I know how amazing it is because I HAVE experienced it – but I’m also aware I’ve put up walls to protect that part of myself.

I get emails all the time from men who are too afraid to be vulnerable and share their fetish with a partner. In some ways, I’m no different.

Sex “problems” are a window into the psyche. T. Harv Eker says, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” I can only speak for my experience, but when I’m scared to be vulnerable in sex, I’m also afraid to be vulnerable with my family and friends. Just as I was scared I wouldn’t be loved for my wild side, I’m still terrified I won’t be loved for my feminine side. Perhaps I’m not yet in love with that part of myself.

Some people see me as a sex expert, but I’m still learning just like them.

I challenge you to consider: Are you “in touch” with your masculine or feminine sides (we all have both)? If not, how does it show up outside the bedroom (or wherever you like to fuck)?

Edited: May 12th, 2012

Women’s Sexuality is Affected by Relationship Problems

It isn’t women’s sexuality that’s the problem – its crappy relationships that can cause sexual “dysfunction”

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Its a stereotype that women are less sexual, women’s sexuality is more delicate, unpredictable, and problematic. Whether “female sexual dysfunction” is a legitimate disorder is controversial, and this article shows us why – when women face relationship problems, they tend to face sexual problems. Who wants to fuck someone you’re having conflict with all the time?

Conversely, could women with sex issues attract relationship problems?

Couples Troubles Often Cause Female Sexual Dysfunction:

Formerly known as frigidity, female sexual dysfunction (FSD) has always been a controversial diagnosis, and now studies are pointing to relationship dissatisfaction and male performance as risk factors. Just whose problem is this, anyway? New research suggests that broad tactics such as treating a woman’s anxiety and improving communication with her partner may be more useful than focusing on the physical mechanics of sex.

Female sexual dysfunction is a broad diagnosis that indicates trouble in one or more of four areas: desire, pain, arousal and orgasm.

Controversy about FSD has centered on two key points: whether those who are pushing it as a physiological disorder have something to gain from medicalizing it and whether it reflects society’s attempt to pathologize women’s naturally variable sexuality. According to sexologist Andrea Burri, author of a study from the U.K. on FSD that appeared in the September 2011 issue of the Journal of Sexual Medicine, “Describing a sexual dysfunction as a physiologically caused abnormality leaves out factors related to the patient’s sexual partners and socialization factors. Personally, I believe that we are using the term way too arbitrarily.” Although she accepts that some women do have a physiological impairment that can contribute to sexual problems, she thinks that using loose diagnostic criteria lumps far too many women into the category of dysfunction.

Burri’s study, which assessed about 1,500 women in the U.K. for FSD, found that 5.8 percent of them reported recent problems with sex, and another 15.5 percent reported lifelong dysfunction. Hyposexual (low) desire was the most common problem overall, and the most common predictor of FSD was relationship dissatisfaction. This finding supports the criticism that the concept of FSD is misleading because it implies that there is something wrong with the woman who “has” it, when in fact it is often the relationship that has issues. The study also found anxiety, experience of abuse and obsessive-compulsive disorder to be common predictors of lifelong FSD.

(My note: This conclusion depends on the study methods, but consider the possibility that women with sex problems attract crappy relationships…)

A study last June also pointed to relationship dissatis­faction as a risk factor for FSD, as well as male premature ejaculation—so in this case, his dysfunction becomes hers, further obscuring the diagnosis.

One way researchers are attempting to minimize some of these issues is by including personal distress as a diagnostic criterion for FSD. Pain during sex or a lack of desire, arousal or orgasm does not indicate a disorder unless it is causing distress to the woman herself—and that does not include the distress she might feel because of her partner’s reaction in bed, explains Marita McCabe, a psychology professor at Deakin University in Melbourne, Australia. Burri cautions that the distress criterion nonetheless presents some concerns. “A considerable proportion of women who do not report a sexual problem do report feeling distressed about their level of sexual functioning, so there is the question as to what causes a woman to feel sexual distress,” she says. “Is it really an intrinsic feeling, or is it caused by societal expectations?”

Regardless of its cause, distress about sex is quite treatable. McCabe authored a study last October showing Internet-based therapy to be effective for FSD when it focused on three objectives: helping participants feel more comfortable about their bodies, lowering their anxiety in sexual situations and improving communication with their partners.

Edited: April 15th, 2012

Shocking News in Female Sexuality: Most Married Women Think Sex is Important

Its an unfortunate stereotype that women don’t care about sex as much as men, but an online survey finds female sexuality won’t be swept under the rug.

iVillage surveyed 1,001 married women and found 75% feel good sex with their husband is “very or extremely important.”

Why is this news? Psychologist Barry McCarthy says, “You never see marital sex in the movies,” he says. “In the movies and in our culture, what is exciting sexually is something that is breaking the boundaries and is illicit. The key to marital sex is integrating intimacy and eroticism.”

67% said “feelings of love” and 44% enjoy hearing their spouse say “nice things” to turn them on. Female sexuality often responds to feelings of intimacy and connection.

Eileen Nekava, 29, says of her husband Steve, “It’s nice to know he appreciates me and still thinks about me in that type of way.”

According to psychology professor John Gottman, “What most surveys find women really want is emotional connection and intimacy as a precondition for being in the mood to have sex…What’s been described as low libido in women is the fact their men stopped courting them. They are no longer trying to be intimate.”

A hint for guys: Courtship and flirting aren’t just what you do to get the girl. Once you’re in a relationship, its only the beginning. No, it doesn’t have to be candlelit dinners and walks on the beach every night (though that’s nice once in awhile). Take a moment out of your day to appreciate your woman. Tell her how beautiful and sexy she is. Thank her for the little things she does for you. Notice her. Look at her the way you did the first time you saw her naked.

Its a stereotype that female sexuality is complicated, but its actually quite simple. Forget about your dick for a minute. Make her feel appreciated, feel free to let go, and play together on her terms.

Edited: April 8th, 2012