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The Importance of Kegels: Tensing AND Relaxing Your Pussy


I recently interviewed the Kegel Queen for my first sex ed DVD. According to the Queen, most women don’t know how to do kegels properly, how often to do them, or how many to do. I was in this camp, so I didn’t really do them, despite the purported outcome of more intense orgasms and heightened arousal.


Aside from how to actually do them, how often, and how many — the most important thing I learned is that its not only about tensing, but relaxing. When I first tried kegels maybe 10 years ago, I somehow thought it’d be better to just clench and hold. I reasoned that if the clenching is the exercise, I’d get a stronger workout by holding as much as possible. Sometimes I’d walk around all day tensing my vaginal muscles. Not only did it not really help, but years later I still carried the tension in my body.


She made the analogy: if you want to work out your biceps, you don’t walk around with your arm flexed holding a weight all day. You do reps – tense and relax, tense and relax. Same goes for the pussy. Its difficult to receive pleasure if your body is tense.


Seems ridiculous I’ve gone 28 years without knowing how to properly do a kegel, but she’s worked with 60 year-old women who have never touched their vaginas, let alone worked ‘em out. Its sad women are so uninformed about their bodies, but I’m thankful women like the Kegel Queen are on a mission to share her knowledge and experience.

Edited: October 30th, 2011

Breaking News: Women Like Sex Too!

Are Women More Sexually Adventurous Than Men?”

“Women have for so long been constructed in our society as prudes who restrict the sexual expression of their male partners, and I think this survey shows that, in our sample of women, that just isn’t the case.”

So what do they want to try? Well, here are some common Female Sexual Fantasies:
1. Sex with a stranger. In a 2001 study published by The Journal of Sex Research, 80 percent of partnered women said they had fantasized about someone other than their partner during sex in the previous two months. Why? Because, while sex within the context of monogamy can be totally hot, it’s hard to replicate the intensity of the initial chase. Fantasizing about someone new is a way of recalling how fantastic it felt to be so obviously pursued.
1. Being dominant in bed. While it may seem counterintuitive for a woman to want to take charge when what they’re really craving is the feeling of being desired, the dominatrix scenario actually revolves around the man worshipping the woman’s body, and begging her for attention.
2. Exhibitionism. In this scenario, a woman not only gets to enjoy sex with her partner, but also gets to enjoy the knowledge that someone else (or several someones?) is feeling aroused by watching her in action.
3. Being sexually ravaged. Sometimes known as rape fantasy, this particular desire is not necessarily what you think. How many spicy hot movie scenes have you enjoyed in which the man pushed the woman up against the wall, forcing a kiss upon her? The thought of a man so bursting with desire is an undeniably a turn on for some women.
4. Enjoying a threesome. Being worshipped and adored by two different men — or a man and a woman — can be twice as nice.

I regularly fantasize about all of the above… except no strangers. Instead, its an occasional fling with my boyfriend’s friend(s) (yes, he knows I do this).

Edited: October 28th, 2011

Self-Censorship: “the worst repression”

In Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving, Betty Dodson writes:


As a creative person, I’d consistently struggled against social restrictions and censorship. However, the worst repression was the kind of censorship I’d been taught to apply to myself: “What will people think?”


We’re so concerned about what others (might) think that we stop ourselves from being real.  That fear is so pronounced in relation to sexuality, we even stop ourselves when we’re alone and nobody’s there to judge.  We judge ourselves.  Sociologists would say we create a “generalized other” in our minds.  That is, we act based on what we think others would think, even by ourselves.


That’s why masturbation is so important. Dodson’s first book was called Liberating Masturbation. When we’re truly loving and connecting with ourselves, despite social norms that tell us not to, masturbation is liberation.

Not that its a piece of cake to overcome self-repression.  But freedom is in the mind, whether its political freedom or sexual freedom — when we can simply be, that’s when we’re free.

Edited: October 26th, 2011

Objectifying my boyfriend turns me on: Clone-a-Willy

I lay on my belly, hands holding my pink vibrator on my clit, staring at my boyfriend’s dick.  He was taking a nap in the other room, but his cock was staring me in the face.  I brought it in the bedroom with me in case I felt like penetration.  I didn’t.


I gave myself a half an hour simply to be in my body.  That was my only goal.  But I also felt like having an orgasm, and as usual was having trouble focusing.  Until I opened my eyes and saw it.


First, I wanted to put it in my mouth and suck on it while I played with my clit.  Then I remembered the horrible taste – I don’t know what’s in this dildo, but its got the worst flavor of any toy I’ve ever used.  So that was out.  Then I imagined myself being fucked… but I didn’t want to move, either.  I was enjoying the position I was in.


So I masturbated gazing at his clone-a-cock, wanting it in me but unable to have it.  I’ve got a thing for pleasure denial.  I focused on the patterns of his skin, the tiny grooves and creases I don’t usually notice on the real thing.  My eyes followed the ridge of his circumcision and the part of foreskin that looks like it wasn’t cut properly.  I breathed, amazed at the beauty of this… thing lying on the bed next to me.  The literal objectification of my boyfriend’s penis – that I want in me, on me, around me, all over me – that I’d have a threesome foursome fivesome moresome with if somehow I could clone him.


I was aroused by my own arousal, by my yearning for his dick – fake and real.  I came easily.  I savored the contractions that continued even after the peak of orgasm had passed.


How ironic that objectifying him eased my anxiety, brought me into the present, enhanced my arousal and brought me to orgasm.  He doesn’t mind being objectified.  I see it as a compliment to him, that I don’t want anything else in my pussy except his dick, whether or not he’s there.  Funny how feminists never seem to “problematize” realistic dildos.

Edited: October 25th, 2011

My fingers smell like pussy but I didn’t feel my orgasm: on disassociation

I’ve had a tendency since childhood to disassociate during masturbation or sex.  I’ve never been sexually assaulted – let’s get that out of the way.  I had a therapist once who was convinced I must have been molested.  She wanted me to ask my parents if I had an uncle who touched me inappropriately.  I never did.  I didn’t need to.  Plus, talk about an awkward conversation, right?  Therapists love to smash people into their little boxes.


Nonetheless, I’ve carried the memory of a few early experiences that left me feeling shame, guilt, and anxiety regarding sex.  As do many Americans.  Add to that a traumatic gynecological problem – ta da!  My own personal recipe for disassociation.


Here’s what it looked like tonight:

I’ve been reading Betty Dodson’s Sex for One, feeling I’d benefit from more masturbation (who wouldn’t?).  I lay down in bed and set the intention to myself – I’m just going to feel my body.  That’s it.


The next 1-1.5 hours I struggled with myself to pay attention to my actions.  To focus on my breathing, in the tantric way T.A. taught me.  Or on the pleasant feelings in my clit and outer lips.  What I did was a hybrid between my usual childhood masturbation practice and the typical “homework” in how-to-have-better-sex books.  I caught my mind wandering to anxious thoughts and I pulled it back.  Overall, it was pretty enjoyable.


I had an orgasm.  At the height of the sensation, I remembered I had more in my bank account than I thought, due to some accounting issues.  Now, I’m glad I remembered that, of course.  Perhaps another time would have been better though.


The fact that I can articulate this – that I even recognize what’s going on – shows I’m becoming less disassociated… more associated in my body.

Edited: October 20th, 2011

Porn’s an Okay Choice, if its Temporary and You’ve Got a Noble Cause

Tyler and Berkley, Amateur Porn Stars Record Sex to Support Their Child

They hope that by the time their daughter is old enough to understand — or wonder — what her parents do for a living, that they won’t be doing it anymore. At least not “seriously.” Tyler’s goal is to make enough money so that he can go to college, or learn a trade, so that they won’t have to rely on porn for income.

They’re always paying their way through college, aren’t they? Right.

Edited: October 20th, 2011

Why I Love Fetish, Part 2

Sociologist Karin Martin studied how preschool kids come to embody their gender.  In layman’s terms, that means the differences in how men and women move their bodies is not just a genetic difference, but a learned behavior.  She found that 82% of girls’ behaviors were “formal,” following rules like raising their hand, sitting up straight, and covering their nose and mouth while sneezing or coughing.  Conversely, 80% of boys’ behaviors were “relaxed,” such yelling, lying down, crawling or running in the classroom.  Why?  Because teachers encouraged girls to follow the rules more than the boys.  To put it in sociological terms: girls are socialized to be polite, small, and quiet, while boys are socialized to become rude, big, and loud.  “Boys will be boys,” right?  Well, yeah, if you teach a boy that.


We learn these behaviors early on, which makes them feel natural.  But consider another learned behavior: reading.  Once you know how to read, it feels pretty natural too (try going a whole day without reading any words you see — its almost impossible, unless you’re in a foreign country).  So just because something feels natural doesn’t mean it comes from our biology.


What’s that got to do with fetish?  I’m so glad you asked.


Until I started making fetish videos, I’d hold in my burps and farts to make sure no one noticed.  Gas is one example of the phenomenon I described above.  Some (inexperienced) guys don’t even realize that women do fart (google up “do women fart”).  Every man I’ve dated burped and farted relatively freely, fairly early on in our relationship.  Some guys I was with never even heard me pass gas once.


I spent years and years squeezing my asshole tight to slowly let the air trickle out of my butt, praying the smell wouldn’t tip anyone off (while looking for the nearest guy to blame it on).  The behavior was so “natural” to me that I didn’t even fart freely alone.  But in fetish land, my gas makes cash.  The more I let it fly on camera, the less I cared at home.


Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t completely disregarded manners.  But among close friends (particularly guys), family, and especially my boyfriend – my body opens up to expel whatever air wants to escape.


I’m a pretty dirty person.  I’ve got a dirty mind.  But I’m also physically dirty.  For instance, take showering: I hate it.  I do it as infrequently as possible.  Honestly, if my hair didn’t get greasy, I’d probably go twice as long as I normally do.  Over winter break in third grade, I was quite proud that I didn’t shower or even change my clothes once.  I slept in and wore the same outfit for two weeks straight.  Including my underwear.  Why?  I could psychologize about it, but at the end of the day I just don’t like how it feels to be squeaky clean.  I like my own smell.


That was the peril of dating.  I had to shower more, especially in a new relationship.  Rather, I felt I had to shower… and pretend to be someone I’m not.


Thankfully, I’ve met my soulmate, who appreciates and encourages my dirtiness.  No matter how weird you are, there’s always someone out there who will love you for you.  That’s what I believe.  Within the first few months of our relationship, I’d go for a jog before going over to his house, unshowered, so he could smell and lick the sweat off my body.  If you’re retching and gagging now, maybe sweat/smell/dirty-body fetishes aren’t for you.  No prob.  For me, its a seriously erotic compliment.  Watching someone’s dick get hard over my natural dirtiness makes my pussy wet.  I love to be worshipped for who I am and how I am.


I’m not suggesting everyone forego showers and let all their body functions go in public.  I simply appreciate fetish for giving me the permission I needed to let go of early socialization patterns that don’t feel right for me.

Edited: October 17th, 2011

Squirting: The First Time

We started with candles, massages, and vanilla massage oil.  I’m a dirty girl, but I still love to be treated like a woman.  We recently learned massage techniques that help to bring me into the present, into my body so I don’t disassociate with anxiety.  It works.  :)


We played for hours… I came while licking my boyfriend’s ass and rubbing my pussy against his foot.  Then he came while we were 69ing.


I hopped on his dick, working it against my g-spot while rubbing my clit.  I used to feel g-spot stimulation was painful and uncomfortable, and its still quite sensitive and very intense.  I played until I got tired (its a lot of work being on top!), and then we switched.  First I lay on my back with my legs above my head, then flat on my stomach and up to doggy style, so his cock was thrusting against my g-spot.


I haven’t ever orgasmed from intercourse, though I enjoy it a lot.  While he was fucking me and I felt my g-spot swelling, I remembered an interview I heard with Tallulah Sulis, producer of Divine Nectar: An Explosive Journey Through the Sacred Feminine.  She says most women have ejaculated at least a few drops but don’t know it, and the basic way to try it is to relax and push out when the penis/finger/dildo/whatever is removed from the vagina.


When he pulled out to come in my mouth, I gave it a whirl… and to my surprise, it worked!  I placed my hand under my pussy to feel if anything came out, and I squirted so much it quickly overflowed from the palm of my hand.  I wasn’t expecting anything – maybe a few drops at most – so I was momentarily concerned it was pee.  I didn’t feel it coming from my bladder, but I stopped the stream just in case.  When my boyfriend was done coming, I licked my hand and sure enough — it wasn’t pee!  It had a very mild flavor, and was almost sweet to taste.  I didn’t have an orgasm, but according to Tallulah, you can squirt with or without coming.


I’ve probably been squirting after sex for years and didn’t realize.  I almost always pee after intercourse, since (a) I felt I had to and (b) its supposed to help stop urinary tract infections.  I never tasted what came out then since I assumed it was pee.


Being present in my body has its rewards.

Edited: October 10th, 2011

Fuck me, NOW: Perspectives

Bossy Women Don’t Get Sex, Despite Their Constant Demands


Moral of the story?  No-one wants to have sexual intercourse with a control-freak. Amazing. Next week, study reveals woodland area to be primary defecation area for bears.


My tantra teacher would undoubtedly add the following:

Women who are constantly working to take control are out of touch with their feminine energy… if they’re a predominantly feminine-energy person, that is.  (Some women “naturally” have a masculine energy – this probably doesn’t apply to them.)  If a feminine woman is alienated from her femininity, she won’t feel as sexual, and if her partner is attracted to her femininity then they won’t want sex so much either.


“The more decisions a women reported making on her own, as compared to joint decision making, the less likely she was to have sex and the longer it was since she last had sexual intercourse.”

An obvious conclusion: These women are exhausted.  No wonder they’re not having sex.

A social structural explanation: The skills women learn to get ahead in the career world don’t necessarily create a happy home life.  Nonetheless, if she wants to succeed in the workforce, she has to masculinize herself.  Sorry to say though, most heterosexual men don’t want their partner to be the boss of them.  They already have one at work.  The simple solution?  Men, help your women more.  Women, ask for some freaking help.  One person can’t do it all (and why would you want to?).  That’s why we create these things called families… so we can support one another.  In an ideal world, anyway.


My additional $0.02 — There’s something intimate about making decisions together.  You’re actively shaping your life with another human being.  If one partner (regardless of gender) is overly controlling, then the other won’t feel free to be themselves.  To me, an ideal relationship is one where life is co-created, where both (all) partners’ opinions are valued, and both (all) partners’ being is honored.  When one partner has too much control, the other will shrink back.  And of course their sex life will suffer.  Sexual problems are often a symptom of a larger relationship issue.  If you’re not connected on sex, where are you connected?  Start outside the bedroom (playroom, dungeon, wherever you fuck) to work your way back in.

Edited: October 1st, 2011