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Female Orgasm: Its All In Your Head…In This Study, Anyway

I’m impressed that female orgasm can even occur inside an fMRI machine!

“The Science of Female Orgasm”

Thanks to the women who masturbate for science, and let us see the neurological side of female sexuality.

Edited: November 30th, 2011

6 Things You Must Know About Sexuality, From Ev’Yan

I LOVE this blog post on sexuality (bold statements are mine):

1.) Everyone is sexual.
Your grandmother. Your great-uncle. Your next door neighbor.

The homeless man sitting in a wheelchair. The girl with coke-bottle glasses that bags your groceries. The elderly woman with a cane that gives you a toothless grin as you’re walking down the street.

They are all sexual, just as you are sexual.

Sexuality is not a privilege or a gift presented to an exclusively selected mass of people. It is bestowed upon all us from the moment we are conceived & its essence is carried with us into the afterlife.

We are all born with sexual energy emanating throughout our organs, cells, & muscle tissue.

All of us.

How (& if) we choose to manifest our sexual nature is as personal & unique as the color of our eyes.

Sometimes when I walk around in public, I try to imagine the random people I see as sexual. It challenges my own ideas of sex, sexuality, and sexiness.

2.) Sexuality is/can be fluid.
As much as we’d all like to think that our sexualities can be housed within rigid labels, it’s not as simple as that. The sexual energy that resides within us isn’t specific, it just is what it is: erotically, carnally, instinctively sexual.

Sometimes you are born with an innately specific orientation. Sometimes you can choose. (And by “choose” I mean explore.)

I like to think that one can form the way they express their sexuality through delicate self-discovery, & that it can be a liberating experience to make such a decision.

To choose flexibility, to choose exploration, & to accept the sometimes flightiness of our sexual nature… this is your right. This exhibits exquisite centeredness & self-love.

It’s important to know that the box we tick underneath the word “Orientation” doesn’t have to be cemented for the rest of our lives. Just as we evolve, so do our sexualities & the preferences we have within them.

That is, if we allow room for growth & exploration (& I believe everyone should).

I would add to this — sexual fluidity isn’t just about the gender of your sex partners, your “sexual orientation.” Sexuality is fluid, period. From a day-to-day basis (some days I want sensual massage, other days I want my hair pulled and my ass pounded) to decade-long sexual evolution (it was about 10 years from the time I was first attracted to women, to the time I saw myself as bisexual). What you want at any one moment does not necessarily relate to what you want in another.

3.) Your sexuality is expressed in many ways.
Not just within the act of sex (or intercourse) but in other things.

The art you create. The tone of your voice. The musical notes you pluck on your harp. The way your hair naturally curls. The rhythm of your heartbeat. The sound your belly makes when it’s hungry. The manner of which you walk. The poetry in the words you speak.

These things contain sexual energy because you contain sexual energy.

You do not need to have sex to be a sexual being. You already are one, even as you are sitting here reading these words.

Perhaps you don’t feel as sexual now when compared to when you are fully aroused. But trust me… your eroticism is there.

If you are in the throes of creation,your sexual energy is likely immersed in it in some way, no matter how small.

Sexual energy creates us, brings life into existence. That same energy inspires us to create our own lives, and create within our lives.

4.) You cannot get rid of your sexual nature.
You can diminish it with negative thoughts. You can scare it away with religious dogmas. You can abstain from sexual pleasure for decades.

But you will never be without your sexuality. You can never stop being a sexual being.

Your carnality is always within you & it will always be a part of you. You would not be you without it.

Life would be a lot less fun, too.

5.) Your sexuality should be explored.
Even if you know for certain that you’re as straight as the proverbial arrow, examine the intricacies of your sexual nature.

What does it mean to you to be straight? Did you choose the orientation you identify with or were born with it? What do your sexual desires look like? What has the propensity to turn you on? In what ways do you express your erotic hunger? If you could give your sexual energy a color or shape, what would it be?

You could even take a gander at The Kinsey Scale.

Experiment. Stay curious. Ask questions. Your answers might surprise you.

Maintain a state of intrigue about your sexuality & all that it encompasses. Wander through the complexities of your sexual nature (because it is quite complex).

When you judge your desires, you’re really judging yourself. Be open to whatever comes.

6.) Your sexuality is sacred.
The expression of it. The definition of it. The way it makes you feel. All of these things, no matter what it looks like, is beautiful. It is yours & no one else’s.

There’s no need to compare your sexuality to the way it is expressed/cultivated by others. Just as there is no one identical human being on this planet, there is no one identical expression of sexuality.

There is also no preferred type or demonstration of sexuality. It can be as subtle, as broad, as passionate, as unrefined as you like it to be.

And that’s just it. Be.

Go easy on yourself & the desires you do (& do not) have. Celebrate the uniqueness of your carnality, don’t disregard it. Keep your heart open to the possibility of change & refinement.

Mind your sexuality. Honor it & keep it safe.

It is a precious life force.

I’ll repeat: And that’s just it. Be.

Edited: November 29th, 2011

Eyes Wide Shut

Nobody ever told me to look away from the screen when a sex scene came on TV or at the movies. I did it all on my own. I looked away because I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t want anyone to think I wanted to watch (when I all I wanted to do was stare with my mouth hanging open).

Averting my eyes was a self-imposed regulation of my sexuality. Ev’Yan was told not to look. It doesn’t matter so much what we were told, when we live in a culture that glorifies violence and degrades sexuality (see This Film is Not Yet Rated). Ev’Yan writes,

I was allowed to see graphic portrayals of rapes, beatings, mutilations, & lynchings amongst Black people in Civil War-era films (for “educational” purposes).
I was allowed to see striking images of drug use, violent gang activity, war crimes, & domestic battery between fictional characters & their families on screen.
I was even allowed to see films with semi-evil & disturbing overtones (I watched The Shining when I was eight).
In these instances, I was seldom told to look away.
But when it came to images of sex — a reenactment of one of the most essential & beautiful facets of human nature — my child eyes were covered by the strong, calloused palms of my father. Always.
It’s worth mentioning that I’ve never seen sexual content in any film — as a child or an adult — that was so explicit that it damaged my being; I’ve never wanted to un-remember a sex scene.
The lynchings & violent rapes in my “Black history lessons”, however, are permanently stamped into my consciousness. It is those “educational” images that I wish I could forget.
I am twenty four & I still find myself cringing during sex scenes. Perhaps out of residual mortification of the past, but likely out of habit.

I still fight the urge to look away at sex scenes. Even porn. Despite the little girl in me who’s scared to show her sexuality, at 28 I’m now free to stare, open-mouthed, hand down my pants (if I’m wearing any).

Edited: November 24th, 2011

Slap Me Silly

The first time I ever asked someone to slap me during sex, he said, “Uhh, I don’t know if I can do that.” We later found that with enough alcohol, he could. I slapped back. From what I remember, it was a fun night.

The feminist in me never saw a problem with it – I asked for it, and not in that she-asked-for-rape-because-she-dressed-like-a-whore way. Literally. No prob.

I like what Betty Dodson has to say about slap happy sex:

A reader asked, Like 3 months ago my husband and I were having sex when suddenly I see that he grabs my hair and slaps me in the face. It was not a gentle slap but neither did it hurt. While he was doing this he kept asking me if I wanted for him to keep slapping me…I was not sure what to answer but I also liked it!

She responded, Instead of asking if your husbands behavior is “normal” I think you need to ask yourself if you would like him to continue or stop. If it excites you then my answer is yes, continue. If not, then by all means say no thanks…I suggest you discuss this after dinner sometime when you are both in a good mood. Nothing better than talking about sex with our significant others instead of trying to read their minds.

Edited: November 23rd, 2011

I <3 Female Masturbation

Growing up, I knew I couldn’t be the only one masturbating, but not ONE of my friends ever mentioned it. Neither did I. In fact, I told my first boyfriend I didn’t. He said he didn’t either. Liars!

See, I knew he probably did. As Ashley Fryer says, “The world knows men masturbate.” Hello, American Pie. How many movies and TV shows crack jokes at young boys jerking off?

To my recollection, I’ve seen two movies that show a woman masturbating. The first was in Not Another Teen Movie. The scene was a parody of She’s All That and American Pie combined. The second was a seriously hot scene in Secretary, where she masturbates in the bathroom after her boss spanks her for yet another typing mistake.

If I knew other girls masturbated, I don’t think I’d have felt such shame about it. My typical masturbation practice was to get to the point (orgasm) as fast as possible. Then when I was done, I’d immediately get up and do something non-sexual, like my homework. As if I were pretending I hadn’t done it in the first place.

Fryer writes, And really, this is just one tiny part of a much bigger conversation about female sexuality. But for the sake of women everywhere, for whom masturbation is a healthy part of their sex lives, I’m begging the world to get a grip. To the women of the world, I say this: reclaim the rights to your own vaginas. Masturbation is a healthy and happy part of sexuality. It’s a headache cure, a muscle relaxant and an instant high. It’s like cake with no calories. And let’s be honest, if you don’t know what’s going on down there, an inexperienced man hasn’t got a hope in hell. So please, take ownership of your sexuality and let’s stop subscribing to this strange and damaging notion that masturbation is anything other than brilliant.

Edited: November 22nd, 2011

Practicing My Kegels: Update

As I wrote a few weeks ago, I learned how to properly do keel exercises and I’ve been practicing.

The Kegel Queen said it’d be about 90 days before I felt a major change, but I’ve already noticed some differences:

- I’m more aware of my clit, in a general sense. Sitting here now, if I relax and focus my attention, I feel the undercurrent of arousal (I DO want to fuck my boyfriend right now, but I’m here writing instead.)

- Its getting easier to isolate the PC muscles. When I first tried, I tensed up my legs and abdomen, in a similar way to my masturbation practice.

- Last night when I fucked my boyfriend, I’d climbed on top and was able to squeeze my muscles while riding him. It definitely increased my arousal and helped me stay present when my mind wanted to disassociate.

- I notice when I’m unconsciously tensing my pussy, particularly if I’m anxious or upset. When I feel it happening, I’m able to release and relax.

Best advice she gave me was to do them in the morning before I get out of bed. I haven’t missed a day and its a great way to wake my body up!

Edited: November 17th, 2011

Female Orgasm: I’m Coming! Just kidding.

Female Orgasm

Faking female orgasm? (courtesy of Johan31000)

 

 

 

 

 

Yashar Ali believes women fake female orgasm to validate the male ego. I can’t say I disagree with much of what he writes.  But he’s probably never been in the position where he could or would consider faking it. (Not that men don’t, so I’ve heard.)

 

In my personal life, I have never faked a female orgasm. This despite only having a handful of orgasms from a partner stimulating my body. (Most have cum from masturbation with my partner or on their body.)   I always reasoned that if I faked female orgasm, it’d train them to do the same thing again, and then they’d expect another orgasm, and then I’d fake again, and on and on and on.

 

While Ali is right that the male ego plays a part, its not as simple as sex being a “cerebral process… [in which they have to think and plan when to fake an orgasm, when to make everything perfect for the man in their lives."  He continues, "They are pleasing [men's] massive egos, instead of pleasing themselves.”

 

If only female orgasm were so simple! Coming from my own experience, and all the times I could have faked a female orgasm but didn’t, here are a few other reasons a woman might fake it:

 

- She doesn’t know what will bring her to female orgasm.
- She doesn’t know how to say what she wants.
- He doesn’t know how to ask her what she wants, or how to help her explore if she doesn’t know.
- He isn’t receptive to her when she says what she wants.
- She thinks he’s already supposed to know how to give her an orgasm.
- He thinks he’s already supposed to know how to give a female orgasm.
- She thinks she’s supposed to have an orgasm during intercourse, oral, or whatever she’s doing.
- He pressures her to feel she should experience female orgasm with him.
- She wants the sex to end but doesn’t feel comfortable saying, “This sucks, I’m out.”
- She’s been faking female orgasm for months or years and is afraid to reveal her sexual relationship is a sham.
- She doesn’t believe she deserves pleasure.
- She’s afraid of being too sexual and holds back.

Any others?

Edited: November 15th, 2011

From Childhood to Adult Sexuality: Honoring Where I’m At

When I was little I would get off by laying belly-down on the floor and rocking myself to stimulate my clitoris… It only took me about 30 seconds to come that way… I realized that that isn’t normal. So I stopped masturbating that way…A few nights ago, I stayed up very late masturbating and finally had an orgasm…I think. This one didn’t seem right either because it literally took me about 4 hours to get there and my clit felt kind of sore the next day. I have tried masturbating again a few times, for about an hour each time, but it seems like I’m going nowhere fast and I just give up before I orgasm.

To this, Betty Dodson replies,

Your old method of getting off is quite common… There is no such thing as “normal” but all kinds of habits can be common, unusual or really strange… The body hasn’t had enough time to build up sexual tension so any release will be mild or insignificant. Most important is to give your body time to get used to a new form of stimulation. As you practice awakening your clitoris to using your fingers, be sure to use plenty of massage oil on your vulva especially your clitoris. And re-apply regularly. If you don’t feel anything happening after a couple of hours, just stop. It’s OK to finish off with your old technique so you can relax.

My boyfriend broke his right arm as a teenager. He’s a righty. It took him several days of “hard work” to jack off to orgasm using his left hand.

A few times in the past couple years, I tried to just quit my childhood masturbation method cold turkey. I figured if he could change his method, I could change mine too. One problem – he didn’t have a choice if he wanted to enjoy himself. I did. I’d inevitably get sexually frustrated and get myself off the only way I knew how. Then I’d feel guilty, like I was ruining my own sexual development. I wanted to orgasm another way to better share myself with a partner, and I saw my experience as a personal failure.

So thanks, Betty, for reinforcing what I discovered on my own: play with new ways of enjoying myself. Play all I want. And if I want an orgasm at the end, switch to the old skool method. Sometimes I can bring myself very close to orgasm in my childhood way, then quickly move my body to a new position and come anew. Getting pissed that a new way isn’t “working” makes sex a frustrating chore.

I made a promise to myself. Not explicitly, not aloud, but one I see through my behavior. I promised to honor my own pleasure in whatever form it comes. Only when I appreciate how good my body does feel, however it feels it, will my sexual pleasure expand. Wanting leads to wanting. Having leads to having.

Edited: November 13th, 2011

Sexual Communication: Changing Your Sexual Dynamic

Communicating about sex is not always easy.  Sometimes it leaves you arguing and crying until 3 in the morning.  Ask me how I know…

 

When one or both partners open up about sexual preferences they haven’t previously shared, it changes the dynamic of the relationship.  The same patterns you’ve had for months, or maybe years, may no longer work.  That’s a good thing – if one or both hasn’t been communicating, those patterns probably don’t work well anyway.

 

As a generalization, people don’t like change, even if they want a different outcome.  The process can be painful and emotional.  Ask me how I know.  When one or both partners wants something different in a major way, it probably won’t change immediately.  There may be conflict as you work together to re-shape your sexual relationship.

 

Knowing I have a strong, committed relationship gives me the strength to get through the more challenging times.  When we’re in sync, we’re in sync.  We’ll have the same ideas at the same time… its bizarre.  When we’re out of sync, it hurts.  Sex can bring us incredibly close or push us apart if one or both isn’t happy with how its going.

 

As difficult as it can sometimes be, in my experience its always better to communicate than not.  Ignoring your wants and needs will only create more tension.  Besides, I want to be loved and appreciated for myself – for who I am and what I want and need.  Changing your sexual dynamic is definitely a challenge worth taking.

Edited: November 3rd, 2011

Porn Ruins Men: Same Shit, Different Study

Men who use internet porn are ‘likely to become hopeless in the bedroom’

 

Its the same old Victorian fear of too much sex… nevermind we’re biologically programmed to fuck our brains out. My boyfriend watches porn almost every day. In my opinion, it makes our sex better.

 

I’d be curious about their research methods. According to sociologist/ “pornologist” Dr. Chauntelle, anti-porn studies are often methodologically flawed, meaning they collect crappy data and over-generalize.

 

Somebody call anti-porn feminists Andrea Dworkin and Catherine MacKinnon – who teamed up with religious conservatives in attempt to outlaw porn in the 80s. Back then the craptastic research showed viewing porn was directly related to sexual assault against women. Those findings were later invalidated… I’m sure these will be too.

Edited: November 2nd, 2011

Sexual Preferences Versus Fetishes

Recently its come to my attention just how dirty I am. As I’ve written previously, I like my natural filth. And my partners’

 

I love the smell and taste of ass, sweat, genitals, and sometimes feet. But I wouldn’t say I have an ass, sweat, dick/pussy, or foot fetish. I wouldn’t say I have a smell fetish either. I appreciate my lover’s body, as is, and his/her smell and taste.

 

It simply feels natural. Its different from my boyfriend’s ass obsession, where he loves (almost) everything about the female behind. He can always get off to anything anal. I don’t necessarily get off on sucking his butthole or feet, though I can.

 

I’d say my dirtiness is a preference. His is a fetish.

Edited: November 1st, 2011