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The New Cybersex: Utherverse & the Red Light Center

A quick recap of my weekend at the Utherverse Red Light Center Adult Virtual Convention , and the new face of cybersex.


When I hear the term cybersex, I think of AOL in the late 90s. As a teenager, I had “real” cybersex once – I told the guy to cum on my chest and lick it off. I don’t know where I got that idea – I’ve always had kinky desires – but he wasn’t into it. Otherwise, my best friend and I would have “fake” cybersex with people and tell them to do strange things, laugh, or just when it’d get hot and heavy we’d say, “I’m done, bye” and stop responding.


I was invited to speak at the Utherverse Red Light Center Adult Virtual Convention and had no idea what I was getting myself into. I love learning about sexuality, love seeing new ways people explore their desires, but had no idea the Red Light Center was a hub for the new cybersex.


Virtual sex, virtual prostitution, virtual roleplaying, and even roleplaying rooms for adult baby, abduction, and toilet fantasy. I talked to a virtual prostitute who’s top requests include Star Trek, Star Wars, and Smurfs roleplay. Yes, smurfs, he often plays Papa Smurf:


Cybersex as Papa Smurf in the Utherverse Red Light District

Cybersex as Papa Smurf in the Utherverse Red Light District




I talked to a married couple, who met on the game and got married in real life. Real life swingers, virtual prostitutes engaging in cybersex and dirty voice chat. The wife said it was a great way for people who are unhappy in their relationships to try new things, comparing it to buying a porn site membership. Personally though, I don’t think I’d be okay if my guy was paying for sex without my being there, virtual or not. Just like I would feel uncomfortable if he were talking to girls on cam sites without me. Its the interactive component, and I’m not the only one: Second Life Affair Ends in Divorce.


Attendance was much lower than they predicted, but it was a good time nonetheless.  Ended the last day with a workshop on the Art of Anal, where I gave a live webcam demo on my own butt, broadcasted into the game.  Yes, the future is here, I was INSIDE a video game.  Followed by an afterparty filled with dancing avatars.


Pictures to follow.

Edited: February 26th, 2012

Think You Know About Sexual Health?

Even though the only sex education some of us get is about STDs, many adults are still in the dark when it comes to sexual health.

7 Sexual health myths debunked:

If my test is clean, I don’t have Herpes

Believe it or not, even though Herpes is such an easily spreadable virus, it is not tested for in most STD tests. Most people who get clear test results rely on those as “proof” that the little sore on their mouth is not herpes. But actually, it’s estimated that 50%-80% of North Americans have either type 1 or type 2 or Herpes, so be sure to ask for this test specifically the next time you go in for a general STD screening.

[Note: Many people have herpes, never test positive for it, and show no symptoms. Others have just a single outbreak. Herpes can be significantly diminished through diet and supplements.]

I can get Herpes from a toilet seat

The Herpes virus is extremely fragile and cannot survive outside of the human body for long—it can diminish within seconds and dries out as soon as it is exposed to air. There has yet to be a proven case of someone contracting Herpes from a toilet seat.

[Note: It is possible to pick up pubic lice (crabs) from a toilet seat, but its EXTREMELY rare.]

Sexual Health Fact: You might get an STD from THIS toilet seat.

Sexual Health Fact: You might get an STD from THIS toilet seat.

Condoms Protect Against All STIs

While you should definitely use protection with new partners whose sexual health you are not familiar with (sorry for the after school special), there is unfortunately little evidence that shows that condoms can protect against genital warts.

[Note: So-so protection against herpes and HPV, because unlike HIV that's transmitted by body fluids, these are transmitted by skin rubbing against skin. Condoms only cover part of the skin and the viruses can be located in parts that aren't covered.

For women having sex with women, the risk of STD transmission is low, but herpes and HPV transmission are similarly possible by rubbing pussies together. Dental dams (latex sheets) may help some but they'd move around too much to be completely effective.]

Most STD’s have obvious symptoms

I’m just going to say it: men believe this far more than women do. You’ve probably heard a guy say, “everything looks fine down there.” But, it doesn’t matter how anything looks. (Of course, if it looks weird, get it checked out!) Many STD’s never show symptoms, clear up on their own, but leave you with long-term health problems. Others do show symptoms, but only after having been in your system for months if not years, at which point the risks to your health could be severe.

I can’t get pregnant while on my period

It is rare but definitely possible, especially for women with particularly long periods that overlap with the beginning of their ovulation. Sperm can survive inside the human body for up to 72 hours so, if you have intercourse towards the end of your period, and your ovulation begins right after that sperm, has plenty of time to work its magic.

Women have to get a pap once they turn 18

Remember in senior year of high school when girls would subtly slip away for a mid-day doctor’s appointment and whisper about it later? That’s not necessary anymore. Research has found a pap smear isn’t necessary until a girl has been sexually active for three years, or until she turns 21. Why? Most incidents of HPV clear themselves up within three years. It is only the ones that would stick around longer than that that one needs to be concerned about, and those would show up in a later pap.

Taking the morning after pill is the same as getting an abortion

The most prominent fact that proves this myth wrong is that, if you take the morning after pill once you are in fact pregnant, it won’t make have the slightest effect. Many websites fail to mention the difference between the abortion pill and the morning after pill, meanwhile studies have found that 30% of sexually active adolescents believe the two to be one and the same.

[Note: The morning after pill makes it difficult for the egg to be fertilized, and if it is, to implant. Technically not abortion, but someone could make the case that the latter is a pre-abortion of sorts.]

Edited: February 23rd, 2012

To Swallow or Not to Swallow: What to Do With Semen After a Blowjob

Most guys I’ve met prefer their partner to swallow his semen after a blowjob, but not all women are game.

Let’s see what Dan and Jennifer have to say about blowjobs and semen:

Edited: February 22nd, 2012

Shut the Fuck Up and Feel: Sex Advice For the Mind and Body

We’re so used to asking what’s wrong with our bodies, we miss the most important sex advice – when we free our minds, the body will follow.

In American culture, we believe we can think our way out of problems. We reason with our emotions and beliefs, sometimes battling, believing our logic is supreme. Yet nowhere is logic more absent than in sex, and our inflated heads so easily distract us from what’s happening in the now. Ev’Yan explains how this affected her sex life:

I’ve spent most of my erotic life in the chains of a restless brain.

Throughout the passionate act of sex, my mind traveled through hypothetical situations & trivial thoughts.

My half-finished to do list;?The expiration date on the soy milk I drank at breakfast;?How terrible the squeaking of the bed must sound to our neighbors;?The likelihood of one dying from three-day-old soy milk;?A random memory of me in middle school making structures out of toothpicks.

A thrust, lick, flick, or suck always managed to bring me back for a moment.

Why is my mind so overactive during sex?

That question only flooded more thoughts & visions into my head, making it so that I was oblivious to the intimacy happening to my body.

And through all of this, through all of the thinking & agonizing, was it any wonder that I found no enjoyment during sex?

Sex became an act solely for him, my partner, to get off, while I laid there helpless, my isolated body present but my mind elsewhere.

And when it was all over, I would roll over on my side, tears streaming down my cheeks, feeling defective.

My Out of Body, Into Mind tendency was likely spurred by my tumultuous relationship I had with sex, but I knew that it was comprised of something more, something that went deeper than the surface wounds of sexual trauma.

[Here I have to add - Sexual trauma goes much deeper than mere surface wounds.]

Why can’t I truly enjoy sex? What is wrong with me?

Is it my partner? No, he’s incredibly attentive.?Is it insecurity? No more than it usually is.?Is it the feng shui of the room? Perhaps…

On the surface, there seemed to be nothing needing to be solved, except my ineptitude in sexual intimacy.

So I tried harder.

When in the throes of passion, I moaned & writhed like a hysterical woman. I used dirty words within hollow, cheap commandments. I lit candles, wore lacy bustiers, & smoothed warming, silicone-filled lubricant all over my vulva.

I read every kind of “101 Sex Positions to WOW Him Tonight!” articles in Cosmopolitan. I researched the proper direction one’s bed should face in a bedroom if they wish to have their room more aligned to their sexual energy. I even took up pole dancing was a way to try to “fix” my sexual deficiency by doing.

I did all of these things with careful diligence, & still I found no real satisfaction in sex.

And I didn’t find real, sumptuous, I-don’t-want-to-move-an-inch satisfaction in sex until I went out of my mind.

We have a tendency to approach sex like a science, when it really is an art. Sex is meant to be raw & a little disorganized. Sex is meant to be felt.

Sensations & intimacy make sexual expression what it is, not tantric positions or high-speed vibrating dildos (though those things can aid in the enjoyment of the act itself).

Your systematic brain has no place in an act so unscripted.

Life is kind of like that, too.

When we are wrapped up in the thoughts in our minds — our worries, our fears, our insecurities, our jealousies — we are merely existing.

We hear, but are not listening. We see, but are not beholding. We touch, but are not feeling. We are here, but are not present.

The richness & vastness of life becomes wasted on our restless, logical minds.

If you want to have succulent sex, be present.?
If you want to live a succulent life, be present.

In your experiences. In your relationships. In your body.

Resist the impulse to pile on information, products, activities, & ideals to seemingly fix what you think is broken.

You are not broken.

Your body knows exactly what to do innately.

Just be.
My challenge to you: Get out of your mind & into your body. Take the pressure of orgasm out of the equation for an evening, & lose yourself in the movements of your hips & the sensations in your genitals. The orgasm is not as important as your ability feel. Breathe.

Treat sex with a lightness; have no expectations, other than some luscious skin-to-skin contact. Be silent, be still. See where the rhythm of your body wants to take you. Trust that, not some cockeyed sex positions in a cheesy $5 magazine.

And when you feel yourself slipping into the trance of a restless mind, remember: You don’t have to listen.

Edited: February 20th, 2012

Sex Advice, Self-Confidence, and Being “Normal”: Is It All In Your Head?

As I recently wrote, most sex advice doesn’t work because it only focuses on one part of our sexuality: the body.

According to sex therapist Marty Klein, The secret to a fulfilling sex life is mental, not physical.

Why is it that the typical self-help approaches don’t work when it come to sex? Why isn’t it as simply as the ten hot new moves you need to try tonight?

Let’s compare it to something else — say you want to take care of your health. What we know is that articles like “five ways to burn fat better” just don’t work. There’s a step before that and that’s creating the emotional environment in which people can take advantage of that information.

For most people, the emotional environment for taking advantage of those “hot new moves” just isn’t there.

People aren’t up to what moves they should do, they’re stuck thinking, “I’m afraid that if we have sex with the lights on he’s gonna think that my butt is too big.” If someone is stuck on “My penis is the most important thing that I bring to sex,” then talking to them about what to do with this finger or that hand or this foot is just pointless. But that’s what self-help books focus on constantly when it comes to sex: what to do with your body.

Obviously, there is so much bodily insecurity going around — how do you even start toward that point of feeling sexy in your own skin?

Part of it is getting the idea that it is possible to detach how you look from how you feel and that sexiness is not a product of what your body looks like from the outside, that sexiness is a product of how you feel on the inside. Part of it is acknowledging that somebody somewhere has the ability to feel sexy independent of how they look on the outside. We have to get the concept that it’s possible for some people to feel sexy based on what’s on the inside rather than what’s on the outside. From there it’s a question of a person tuning into what do I have to offer somebody else sexually, and what do I have to offer myself sexually? If a person enjoys kissing a lot, regardless of what they look like they could say to themselves, well, that’s part of what makes me sexy.

You write so much in the book about how people worry about being sexual normal. What is sexually normal?

Most people who want to know what’s sexually normal, they’re not going to use that information in a wholesome way. Most people want to know what’s sexually normal so that they can compare themselves or their mate to that standard. If I say 80 percent of 30-year-olds have oral sex at least once a month, somebody’s gonna compare themselves to that and say, “What’s wrong with me that I don’t do that?” Or they’re going to look at their mate and say, “What’s wrong with you?”

Now if you want to know what’s statistically common when it come to sex, as I say in the book, it’s that people have sex when they’re tired and when they feel self-conscious about their bodies.

Edited: February 19th, 2012

What Do Sexual Fantasies Mean?

Where do sexual fantasies come from, and what does it say about who we are?

Stanley Siegel paints us a picture:

You are sitting in front of a computer screen surfing porn sites ready to get off. You sift through scenes and images until you connect to one. Suddenly, every element of desire falls perfectly in line. You become intensely excited, your physical and mental energy sharply focused and shutting out other thoughts. Eventually, you climax.

Most of us do not meticulously analyze what just happened. There might be some curiosity about why a certain porn turns us on. Typically, after getting off to it, we feel temporarily satisfied and pull ourselves back together.

True that.

Porn Can Bring Out Our Deepest Darkest Fantasies

Porn Can Bring Out Our Deepest Darkest Fantasies

Sexual fantasies, whether elaborate romantic themes or sporadic images of muscular arms or big breasts, mean much more than we think. Specific erotic images are connections to deeper inner truths long banished from consciousness.

Porn intensely focuses our mental and physical attention, uncovering specific emotions eroticized much earlier in life. Through our sexual fantasies, we attempt to master feelings of powerlessness, shame, guilt, fear and loneliness that have followed us into adulthood. Encoded in the porn scenes that lead us to orgasm are the psychological antidotes to these feelings. Situating ourselves in humiliating, romantic or risky scenes counteracts painful feelings by turning them into pleasurable ones. Psychologically, this happens outside our awareness, the way blood cells heal a cut finger without our knowing it.

The most common feelings people eroticize are:

• powerlessness and helplessness

• detachment and emptiness

• rejection and abandonment

• anger and aggression

• inadequacy, guilt and shame

• insecurity, loneliness and vulnerability

But is having the fantasy a problem in and of itself? No. When we have “unconventional” desires, we often hide them, further fueling any shame or negative emotions attached to the fantasy. Rather, if we embrace the fantasy – and perhaps even live it out (to the extent its possible in a safe and consensual manner) – we can not only understand ourselves on a deeper level, but we show ourselves love for the darker corners of the psyche.

The more we beat ourselves up over our sexual fantasies, try to avoid them, or assume they mean there’s something wrong with us – we allow ourselves to be taken further into whatever issues the fantasy reveals. The truth is, most of us have at least some so-called “unhealthy” desires because we live in a society that tells us sex is bad, sinful, or at best – something straight married people do to make babies. Sure we see sexuality all around us, but in an artificial, plastic way that does little to help us understand – let alone validate – our individual feelings and experiences.

Embrace fantasy, even – no, ESPECIALLY – if it makes you uncomfortable. If you begin addressing the issues it brings up, the fantasy may play more or a less role in your sex life. Look at the fantasy for what it is – a pattern of thought and emotion that leads to physical arousal and pleasure – and go from there. Human beings are extraordinarily simple and complex at once; our experiences do shape our sexuality, just as they shape every other part of us. Its not good, its not bad – it simply is. Accept – or even LOVE – this part of yourself, and you’re on the path to sexual healing.

Edited: February 17th, 2012

How to Eat Pussy: Listen to Her Owner

Nice to see women having an intelligent, mature discussion on oral sex and how to eat pussy.

Edited: February 16th, 2012

Sexual Communication and Sexual Healing: What Happens When Painful Memories Arise During Sex?

1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men experience sexual assault in the US, so many partners must help one another through sexual healing. Sexual communication and awareness of non-verbal cues are key to handling painful memories when they arise.

Sexual healer David Cates believes all of our (sexual) memories are stored in the body. Because most of us have sexual anxieties, hangups, and just plain bad experiences – when we have sex, these memories can surface without warning. Memories of sexual trauma can especially boil up. If you or your partner have this experience, awareness and communication will help you through:

David Cates: What I do at that point, and this is really the key to the whole thing, is to back up a little bit and find an area where there is pulse and flow and movement. So, that might mean you might move into a different spot inside the yoni. It might mean you move out of the yoni a little bit and find a spot somewhere in the labia, or, maybe, you have to go somewhere else on the pelvis or even down the legs until you find a spot that opens up and where your beloved partner begins to breathe in a relaxed fashion again.

David Cates: That’s great. I am really glad you asked that, Patti, because the clues are very external. They are subtle clues, for sure, but also just watching the breasts, watching the rise and fall of the chest; how much air is coming into the lungs; how relaxed the breathing is or how forced it is or if the breath is being held. That’s one really major clue.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, if you are giving a woman pleasure you need to really be paying attention.

David Cates: Yeah. The breath tells you everything. The breath tells you how present someone is or how distant they are.

Dr. Patti Taylor: What do you do? OK, you hit the wrong nerve. You took out the wrong volume, and it is a total surprise. Let’s say you were having the time of your life. Now, what do you do? It was a total shock to both of you, and suddenly it was like you thought you were on your way to the tropics and suddenly it’s like snowing and there’s an ice storm.

David Cates: For the man it might be the erection goes down. For the woman it might be just a gradual dissociation and stiffening that happens. Let’s talk about that.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Tears, maybe; crying.

David Cates: Yeah, there are a lot of different reactions. My belief or my experience about this is that all of our memories are stored in our body. Everything that has ever happened in your [vagina] there is a neurological record of that event.
Now, some of those events were pretty sensational and you loved them and they were comfortable. And some of the events for almost everyone were uncomfortable or challenging or frightening in some way. All of those memories are right there down in the archives..

David Cates: When we’re in that moment of surprise where we’ve hit a nerve and some emotional experience is going off that neither party expected. In that moment, what I do depends on the magnitude of the response. If it is a gigantic response, then it’s immediately backing away from all sexual activity and, if possible, moving into simple holding, comforting, cuddling. Sometimes, even that’s not possible and there needs to be just a little space that is created so that each partner can regain their center.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Is it appropriate to be thinking at this point about how do I turn this into something positive?

David Cates: Absolutely. I am thinking about that the whole way through.

Dr. Patti Taylor: So, do you say anything to them; I’m really glad you are letting this out? I mean, what’s the verbal track?

David Cates: The verbal track is, first of all, to be reassuring. You use a calm, comfortable voice to go into whatever is the most emotionally intimate place you feel with that person. Go into that place; use those kinds of vocal tones and words. We don’t want to add gasoline to the fire. We just want them to remember they are safe and they are with someone that they love.

If you are pulling out a memory, the book may have been placed in the library when this beloved was 16-years-old or 25-years-old or 3-years-old, who knows. So, a lot of time what’s happening is there will be a dramatic shift of someone becoming not their chronological age but their emotional age of whenever that event occurred.

You may be going from having a wonderful sexual time with a 40-year-old woman, and all of a sudden you’ve got a 10-year-old girl in your arms.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Now, you say something really beautiful which is: follow don’t lead. Do you want to say more about that?

David Cates: Yeah

My mantra is always follow the body. Follow the body. What is the body doing? What is the body language? Does that body want to be touched? Does it want to be left alone? How does it respond to the stroking? How is it responding to the words? To really notice those kinds of non-verbal physiological cues.

David Cates: Yes, follow don’t lead. You follow and there needs to be a consensus between the voice, what that person is saying to you, and the non-verbal, what that body is saying to you because sometimes they are not on the same page.

Dr. Patti Taylor: Right. So, is it ever possible that the person who is having that experience – do they ever get it together to say: please give me more. That would be great if you were having a real catharsis or trauma if you could actually verbalize the request.

David Cates: The more safe and intimate the relationship is, the more often it will happen.

David Cates: One of these examples that was very big, it happened in a group where we were doing sexual healing training, and we were working on a young woman from Israel. She is a wonderful healer in her own right and very vibrant, and we were doing a [vagina] exercise. And we hit one of those trigger points, and she started wailing and screaming with this banshee voice that just everyone in the room – their hairs were just standing up on the back of our necks. She went on and on and on, and she was able to look to the side to when we were engaged in that process. She was asked, “Do you want to keep going?” She was like, “Yes, yes, keep going” and then she’d go back to this screaming and wailing.

After the experience, after she had completed all that release which was mostly verbal for her, although there was some physical shaking, too, she reported that she was seeing images from her family album of women going back, her mother, her grandmother, her great-grandmother. It was almost like she was releasing a whole lineage of pain from the women in her family.

Download the interview here.

Edited: February 15th, 2012

Holistic Sexuality: What the Hell is That, and What Does it Have to Do With Intimacy?

The key to sexual intimacy is engaging not only the body, but the mind, heart, and soul. Cheesy, sure, but as my favorite food I contend a little cheese doesn’t = lame.

Recently we had some of the best sex of my life… and we often have amazing sex. So what made this time so great?

Always the nerd, I’ve spent the last couple days pondering that question. And here it is: my mental, emotional, spiritual, and of course physical sides were all activated. I call it holistic sexuality.

Here’s how the night went:

I’d been feeling anxious about something – one of those anxieties that wouldn’t go away until I talked about it, but never seem to realize that until I’m talking about it. He noticed I seemed weird and asked if everything was okay. The key: he asked about my emotions, and gave me space to talk it out. We had a great conversation that opened my eyes to some things I’ve been struggling with. We connected on an emotional level.

Feeling better, I brought up a topic I’d been thinking about the last few days — Max Hardcore, what’s right/wrong with his videos, and why people like them so much/are so afraid of them. And why I like them so much but feel uncomfortable at the same time. We had an interesting conversation about masculinity, femininity, and taboo. The key: he engaged my mind. I’m easily turned on by talking about sex in an intellectual way. i.e., I’m a nerd. We connected on a mental level.

Shortly thereafter, I cuddled on the couch with him. We started making out with a level of passion that reminded me of high school. He got the vibe of what I like exactly down – passionate and strong but flirting and teasing at the same time. We connected on a physical level, in a way I felt haven’t in awhile. But part of what made the physical so intense was that I noticed our breathing was synced. We weren’t trying to; it happened spontaneously, perhaps because we were already so connected. After I noticed, I chose to completely let go and relax into whatever happened. I gave him complete control. And when I did, something magical happened – I felt a deep connection to him, as if there was no separation between us. It felt almost like we were under the influence of something that we weren’t. In that moment, I really knew what tantric sex was about for the first time. Syncing our breathing created a spiritual connection between us, where I didn’t know if it was my breath or his; we were breathing as one.

At just the right time, without my saying or doing anything, he licked my pussy and again, at just the right time, fucked my ass. He was aggressive in a way that made me feel safe. He pushed my limits just far enough; made it almost uncomfortable for me in the way that turns me on without going too far and turning me off. He pulled my hair, slapped me, and spit in my mouth. He rubbed my pussy while fucking my ass, moving my body as if it were a fuck doll instead of a real live person. After, he commented on it and we discovered we both had the same thought at exactly the same time during.

(Many) women like being fucked by someone who knows what they’re doing.

After, I told him how awesome it was, and made one request. Next time we go at it like this, stop in the middle of fucking my ass to lick my pussy. I didn’t want to ask in the moment because it would have ruined the vibe. His response – no problem.

The mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual – that’s what I call holistic sexuality. Connecting without bounds – that’s true sexual intimacy.

Edited: February 13th, 2012

Review: The Sacred Prostitute and Magdalene Unveiled

In American culture, the word ‘prostitute‘ is an insult. But historically, many cultures honored prostitution as a sacred profession.

That’s the subject of Dr. Ray Stubbs’ DVD – The Sacred Prostitute and Magdalene Unveiled.

The Sacred Prostitute and Magdalene Unveiled

The Sacred Prostitute and Magdalene Unveiled

The film begins with an overview of history of prostitution, and how in many cultures prostitutes were affiliated with religious institutions and considered sacred healers. For instance, when men would come home from war, they would visit prostitutes who would “cleanse the war out of them” so they would be ready to return home to their families.

At present day, in contrast to normative modes of healing (say, psychotherapy or massage), sexual healers believe sexuality is integral to the self. Thus to heal any physical, mental, or emotional wounds we must also address the sexual. Sexual healers use various modes of healing – such as breathing and visualization – that awaken sexual energy, often without touching the genitals.

Sexual healers believe that sexuality is inherently spiritual. As one man said, “We don’t just take sexuality as the physical intercourse;” genital-genital contact is just a starting place. More broadly, sexuality is about “interconnection, interdependence, and interrelation” of ourselves with all of nature. The term “tantra” comes from “tan,” meaning the inner self or soul, and “tra” meaning getting closer. Thus, tantra is about getting closer to the soul. Our soul being interconnected to God/Source/Jesus/Buddha/Higher Power and all living beings, as all beings have this divine spirit within them.

According to Kenneth Ray Stubbs, PhD, a sacred prostitute is an individual on a path of spiritual practice who assists persons of any sex, gender, sexual orientation, or age by honoring the natural divinity within.

The difference between contemporary prostitution and sacred sexual healing was not clear, because it isn’t. The interviewees had differing opinions; some were adamant that they were not prostitutes, while others did not see much difference. As a generalization, it appears sexual healers support the legalization of prostitution. As one woman stated, there is no reason why we should not be able to have a “quickie salad bar meal” at a brothel or a “10 course meal” with a sexual healer; it is our right to choose how we express our sexuality.

A very interesting and eye-opening film. I’ll conclude with my favorite line, from sex and marriage counselor Ina Laughing Winds – “When people are sexually free, they are free and no tyrant can rule them.”

Edited: February 12th, 2012

Slow Sex Author Nicole Daedone on Sex, the Brain, and Tantra

Nicole Daedone is best known for her book Slow Sex. In this interview she describes the brain ‘on sex,’ paralleling the spiritual tradition of tantra.

Nicole Daedone: The limbic system is your reptilian brain.  It’s your nonverbal part of yourself, the feeling body.  Ultimately, in any tradition, that’s what we’re looking to open up.  In Buddhism, in yoga, there’s a part where your limbic – your feeling body takes over and your frontal cortex, which is what determines what’s appropriate, can relax. 

And they’ve shown that they – I just went to the neuoraesthetics conference and they showed that when a human being enters orgasm, the cortex actually shuts down.  That part of your brain that’s constantly trying to decide whether or not you’re doing it right can relax.  And then your true wisdom can rise up and tell you what works in and integrated way for all of you.

Sex, the Limbic System, and Tantra

Sex, the Limbic System, and Tantra

Dr. Patti Taylor:  So when you’re engaging your limbic system, you actually are engaging a completely different part of your brain.  Is it a better part of your brain?  Is it a higher consciousness?  Or is it just a different part of your brain?

Nicole Daedone:  Yeah, I don’t think it’s any higher.  I think that it’s a neglected part.  And that when it actually does rise up, we’re – most of us are so thirsty, it feels more profound.  But I don’t think it’s any more profound.  I think integration is the most profound state we can get to.

Dr. Patti Taylor:  Well, but is it like a more loving part?  I mean, how would we know if we were in our limbic part?  Is there some way we might recognize that in our – I mean if you and I gave each other a warm, juicy, yummy hug, would that be like that we were limbicly connected versus a really mental hug?  Or, you know?

Nicole Daedone:  Mm-hmm, yeah, I think the best description for me is when all the voices in my head are silent, and I can experience where I’m at.  I mean that’s the best answer I can give.   And then, in terms of my feeling body, like in us giving each other a hug, the way that I would notice it would be that the boundaries become less impenetrable.  I’m not as clear where you begin or where I begin.

This is the goal of tantra.

Edited: February 11th, 2012

The Art of Sexual Communication: Combine Verbal Communication and Body Language

Use BOTH verbal communication and body language. Talking can be sexy, but sometimes NOT talking is even sexier.

Like many women, I enjoy being seduced. Sure, I want sex — sometimes I’ll come on to him physically or ask if he wants to play. But other times I want him to come on to me. It turns me on when he approaches me by softly touching and kissing my thighs and abdomen. Being seduced in MY way is the turn on — and you can’t exactly ask for seduction. I’ve tried. When I’m wanting is to be pursued, asking kills my desire.

Combine Verbal Communication and Body Language

Combine Verbal Communication and Body Language

Several weeks ago we laid naked in bed together talking. My legs were spread open and relaxed. He got up for a moment, caught a view of my pussy, and said, “When I see a pussy, I don’t think about putting my dick in it, I want to eat it.” And then he did.

From there, we figured out a way I can communicate my desires without vocalizing (and thereby ruining) them: using my body language to communicate instead of my voice. Since he wants to eat pussy when he sees it, its up to me to show him, and if he’s in the mood, he’ll do the rest.

We both work from home and often sit on couches facing one another. When I want him to come on to me, I sit or lay with my legs open so he can’t miss it. (It helps that I’m often working naked.) If he’s busy or not in the mood, he’ll ignore it, and after a few minutes I’ll get over it or go masturbate. Not the norm. More likely than not, he’ll come take the lead like I want him to. And I don’t have to say a word thanks to the magic of verbally negotiated body language.

Edited: February 4th, 2012

How to Eat Pussy: First Step – Get Her Relaxed and Ready to Receive

You want to know how to eat pussy so you can give her a great time, right? Eating pussy is much more than just technique. You’ve got to get her in the mood first.

As Dan and Jennifer suggest, she must have a relaxed body (and mind!) if she’s really going to receive the pleasure you’re wanting to give.

What works? A massage with nice smelling oils (mmm…vanilla) is an obvious one, but Dan and Jennifer have a few other ideas:

A Hot Bath

This is an oldie but goodie. But we don’t mean draw her bath, plop her in it and go about your business for thirty minutes until she’s done. We mean light candles, talk to her and wash her hair for her. Let her know that you are interested in her! If done properly, a conversation geared towards her while in a soothing, hot bath will do the same thing as an erotic massage – kill two birds with one stone and get both her mind and body relaxed and ready for cunnilingus.

A Foot Rub

Believe it or not, foot rubs can do even more magic than a back massage and a hot bath put together. Why? Studies in reflexology show that pressure points all over the foot lead directly to specific points in the body. When these pressure points are activated, the corresponding point in the body becomes relaxed and can promote wellness. A good foot rub will activate all of these points and will turn her entire body to putty.

(I’ll second this one!)

Brushing Her Hair
Brush it while watching a movie together or braid it for her if her hair is long enough. You can also do variations on this by scratching her scalp or using one of those metal spider-looking head massagers. It will make her spine tingle! This is a great way to get good, relaxing feelings from the top of her head to the bottom of her feet.

Anything Physically Relaxing
Use your imagination. If your idea to get her mentally relaxed is walking around in the mall and window shopping together, then buy her one of those chair massages (or get one together). Some malls even have water massage beds. You can also do something like buying her a manicure or pedicure (or both!) and complimenting her nails when she is finished. Anything that will physically calm her is the ticket to a successful cunnilingus session with a mind bending orgasm at the finish.

Edited: February 3rd, 2012

Two Sex Tips on How to Make a Girl Squirt

Learn two sex tips on how to make a girl squirt: relaxation and communication


Squirting (aka female ejaculation) can be fun, intimate, and downright sexy. According to Sheri Winston, all females are physically capable of learning how to squirt. Its an “advanced” sex skill that most women DO have to learn. Squirting can happen on its own or at the same time as an orgasm. Its an intense experience, both physically and emotionally, and speaking from experience — it will only happen when she’s ready and open to feeling the power of her own sexual energy.

How to Make a Girl Squirt Like a Fountain

How to Make a Girl Squirt Like a Fountain

So how do you make it happen?

(1) Make sure she’s relaxed and enjoying herself. She has to be REALLY aroused. Especially if she hasn’t squirted before, she’ll need extended “foreplay” or whatever it is that turns her on.

It doesn’t start with the sex either — all 3 times I’ve squirted have been after my boyfriend and I had an awesome time together earlier in the day, when I felt happy and close to him.

Take your time, don’t rush, and don’t put ANY pressure on her – that has the opposite effect. Whether or not it happens doesn’t matter. What matters is having fun together, and if you have great sex squirting is just an added bonus.

(2) The general technique how to make a girl squirt is to stimulate her g-spot with a finger or toy, making a “come here” motion inside, as if you’re going to pull her along by her pussy.

That being said, every woman likes this sensation in different ways. You’ll often see it very fast and aggressive in porn; some women enjoy this, whereas I prefer it a little slower with a more careful and deliberate movement. Some women like it right on their g-spot, others toward the back or front – it all depends on physiology.

That’s where communication comes in — go at her preferred location, speed, pressure, and intensity. Start on the lighter side; you can always build up harder and faster, but too much too soon can be a turn off.

Most importantly, enjoy yourselves! Guys sometimes have a one-track mind, and while its awesome you want to know how to make a girl squirt, don’t be too goal-oriented. Female ejaculation requires deep physical relaxation and for many women, emotional trust, so keep it fun, playful, and intimate.

Edited: February 2nd, 2012