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If Someone Has a Sexual Fetish Does That Make Them a Creep?

Several times in my “career” as a fetish model, I’ve encountered the “fetishists are creepy” stereotype.

Many people believe that if someone is aroused by, say, farts, they must be a complete weirdo in all aspects of life. They must be “that guy” (always a guy) who calls random people in the phone book and just breathes heavily into the phone, the guy who walks around in a trenchcoat waiting to flash young girls, who’s caught masturbating in the public library. Or worse, I’ve heard fetish is “serial killer shit” – that only someone crazy enough to murder people could possibly get off on (insert weird fetish of your choice).

Sure, there are weirdos. I get emails and tweets from them. But far more often, they’re neutral – neither nice nor mean, polite nor rude. And its not uncommon for them to be kind, intelligent guys who I could surely enjoy a cup of coffee with if I’d met them at a job or school.

Its not WHAT a person is into that makes them a creepazoid or not. Its how they handle it.

Consider a breast fetish. Most people wouldn’t say they have a FETISH for breasts because in our society breasts are seen a sexual. But a guy jerking off to a video of bouncing boobs is no different from the dude who masturbates to videos of women’s feet. Its sexualizing a specific part of the body, also known as “partialism” among psychologists. No different from the ladies who can’t get enough of The Situation’s “situation” (Lord knows his sparkling personality can’t be carrying all those girls back to the Jersey Shore house). Social convention leads us to label the same sort of act in different ways.

Our fellow with a boob fetish could express it in “normal” ways. Admiring photos and videos of breasts, licking or sucking on their partner’s tits, even fucking and ejaculating on them. He also could express it in a creepy way, by grabbing random women’s breasts in public. By refusing to make eye contact with a female, and rather stare her in the chest. By murdering women so he could cut their breasts off and save them as a souvenir.

In my experience, I get about as many tweets, comments and emails from guys being weird about “normal” sex as I do fetishes. Who somehow assume I’m putting naked photos and videos of myself on the internet because I want to fuck THEM. Who send me their phone number (expecting I’ll call???). Who send me a picture of their dick like I should be impressed (I’m not).

Guys can get really creepy, but its not categorical – its attitudinal.

Edited: May 30th, 2012

Communication: How to Have a Difficult Conversation

Communication is the glue that makes relationships work, yet we all seem to have a difficult time sharing our real thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Its true of sex, work, family, friendships, even your relationship with your doctor, accountant, or banker. Communication is how we share who we are and how we get what we want. When we don’t communicate, we’re not being real and we’re definitely not getting what we want.

Sex educator Reid Mihalko says, The plain truth of intimacy is this: It’s what we’re not saying in our relationships that’s slowly killing them.

Here is his simple 2-step ‘formula’ to help you communicate with anyone in your life:

Step 1: Find some time alone and write down the answers to the following questions, in the order they appear… Just write for 3-5 minutes on each question, non-stop. Try to keep the pen moving or your fingers typing for the full 3-5 minutes. Write all the crap swirling around in your head and get it on paper or a computer screen. If you get stuck, write: “I’m stuck. I can’t think of anything…” until your brain unsticks itself. Keep moving!

A. What I’m not saying to ___(my partner, my boss, the hottie at the bar)__ is ___________________.

B. What I’m afraid might happen if I say it is ___(Remember, you’re brainstorming! Your list can’t be too long! The longer the better!)___.

C. What I’d like to have happen by saying this is ___(Write down all the positive things you can think of!)____.

Step 2: Cut and paste your answers into this this script below which will be the script that you can memorize or read from when you talk to so and so. It can also be the script that you use to email them, etc.:

Dear ___(partner, boss, hottie at the bar)__, there are some things I’ve not been saying to you. I’m not saying them/haven’t been able to say them, because I’m afraid the following might happen:

(Answers from B here)
(Answers from B here)
(Answers from B here)

What I would like to have happen by my telling you is:

(Answers from C here)
(Answers from C here)
(Answers from C here)

And what I’m not telling you is (Answer from A here).

Thank you for listening. What, if anything, would you like to share?

An Example:

Here’s an example of a Difficult Conversation Formula Script all filled in with a situation which, unfortunately, might be all too common these days…

“Dear partner, there are some things I’ve not been saying to you. I’m not saying them, because I’m afraid the following might happen:

- You will lose all respect for me
- You’ll divorce and leave me
- You will take the kids away and I will never see them again
- You will never forgive me and I’ll have no chance of rebuilding your trust in me

What I would like to have happen by my telling you is:

- For you to know that I would never lie to you and that you trust me more
- That when I lie or hide something from you, I’ll try to come clean as quickly as I can
- That we reach a deeper level of love, trust and intimacy in our relationship
- That we role model for our children that it’s possible to make it through tough times

And what I’m not telling you is I was let go from my job a week ago and I was too afraid and ashamed to tell you and I’ve been spending my days at Starbucks applying for jobs without much success yet.

Thank you for listening. What, if anything, would you like to share?”

Edited: May 27th, 2012

Masculine vs Feminine, Men’s vs Women’s Sexuality: Desire

Differences in men’s and women’s sexuality: what do we desire?

Men’s sexuality tends to focus on a specific act or the orgasm, where women’s sexuality takes a “journey.” As a generalization, of course, but one I find true for myself, my friends, and people who email me sex questions.

Here’s an example from my own life –

Him: What do you want?

Me: I don’t want anything specific. I just want to spend time with you and have sex, but I don’t really care what we do. I just want to do whatever feels right at the time.

Him: So… you want me to fuck your pussy? But I thought you’re ovulating.

Me: [Frustrated groan.] No, I don’t care about fucking my pussy. And we can’t now anyway [yes, I am ovulating]. I just want to enjoy being with you and whatever happens, happens.

Him: So… what do you want to do?

The next morning:

Him: I know you want me to eat your pussy or something, but you’re acting sad and that’s not a turn on.

Me: [Frustrated ughhhh] I don’t care about you eating my pussy. I just want to be sexual with you and not plan out what happens. Maybe you eat my pussy, maybe you don’t. It feels like either I’m “servicing” you or you’re “servicing” me. It doesn’t feel like we do much together.

Him: Well that’s because we like different things.

Me: No it isn’t. I want to do what we both like, at the same time. I want to get turned on by you getting turned on and enjoying yourself. I want us both to have fun together, doing a bunch of different things. Its not that I don’t like how we do things, its just too task-oriented. Its too masculine, with a specific goal. Its like that John Gray guy says, its fast food sex where you order your specific items, vs gourmet meal sex where you have all these different things at the same time in a nice setting.

I’m not asking you to do any specific act with me, I’m just asking for your time. I want the context where I can feel close to you and REALLY get turned on. I crave that connection with you. Whatever we do doesn’t really matter.

Edited: May 20th, 2012

A Lesson from Grandma’s Cookies: Guilt, Shame, and Disassociating From my Body

I bought a double chocolate Grandma’s cookie from a convenience store. Got in the car and mindlessly ate half a cookie when I realized – I wasn’t enjoying it. I barely even tasted it. Not because I don’t sometimes crave the taste of artificially flavored chocolate goodies (I do).

I stared at the remaining half of my cookie and realized: I felt guilty eating it. I didn’t even look at the ingredients because I knew it was full of crap I don’t normally eat – high fructose corn syrup, loads of preservatives, possibly titanium or silicon dioxide or baking soda laced with aluminum. I knew it would only make my candida (overgrowth of yeast in the intestines, causing vaginal yeast infections) worse. So even though I wanted it, bought and paid for it, when it came time to eat it – I disassociated from the experience because I felt bad.

Like many women, I used to struggle with my weight – going back and forth from a starving myself 85 pounds to binge eating my way to 135 or 140 (note: I’m only 5′). Learning about the fucked up food system, the effect of GMOs, HFC, and various toxins on the body, and how processed sugar creates yeast problems led to a huge change in my eating habits. I’m probably 95 pounds now, not because I want to be thin, but because that’s just where my body lands living on organic food (including goodies) and lots of vegetables. But I never let go of feeling guilty for eating what I want.

What does this have to do with sex?

I do the same freaking thing. It used to be every time I asked for something sexual and I got it, I’d become extremely anxious, disassociate, and not feel a thing. I felt I shouldn’t be having sex, wanting what I wanted, enjoying my body. I like to think I’m over these things, because I intellectually know better and do have some amazing experiences, but that old programming remains. When it starts feeling REALLY GOOD, my mind will often find a million and one reasons to stop it – I have to pee, I need a drink, I need to change positions, I’m out of breath, I need to put laundry into the dryer – it doesn’t matter whether its true or not. Its an excuse my mind uses to take me out of this pleasurable experience.

I’ve spent a ton of time and energy blaming my partners for my lackluster sexual experiences. But the most frustrating thing about it is – I realize now – no matter what they could have done (or what my husband currently does), it makes no fucking difference if MY autopilot response is to check out. That’s all me.

But the great thing is – its all me. I can change it.

I stared at my cookie and decided I was going to savor every bite of its artificial chocolately goodness. Okay, maybe I only savored a half of it. But it was a start.

Edited: May 14th, 2012

Kinky Fetish Sex is Easy… “Making Love” is a Challenge: Reflections on My Version of Women’s Sexuality

Women’s sexuality: What does it mean? More pointedly, what does it mean to me? What does it (or men’s sexuality, for the guys) mean to you?

Just as we all like different foods, so too do we like different sex. We each have a unique emotional relationship to the foods we eat. Some overeat while others starve themselves; I’ve often used food for comfort myself. We similarly have a unique emotional experience with our sexuality, shaped by our own baggage, hangups, and those things we call our “issues.” So what is women’s sexuality (or men’s, for that matter)? All I can say is, here’s mine at the moment:

Though I make porn for a living, my primary social circles aren’t in the adult industry. When I talk with “civilians” (people outside the industry) and explain my vision and how I’m working toward it, I’m often complimented on my bravery. People who see my YouTube videos email me their questions, nothing things like, “I’m not as open about my sexuality as you,” and “You’re so courageous for taking on these fetish topics and expressing yourself.”

Not to toot my own horn, but they’re right. It took almost 3 years of producing and starring in my videos before I really felt confident in my choices. It was a huge challenge to follow my exhibitionist desire to experiment on camera, not to mention exploring more private desires in my personal life.

But they’re also wrong. Its become fairly easy to express the wild crazy aspects of my sexuality. I am an exhibitionist. I am pretty kinky. I do have a dirty mind. I will try new sexual things for the hell of it. I have no problem sharing and acting out these fantasies with my husband. And its no big deal to do crazy shit on camera, whether its my personal fetish or not. I fully accept and love that part of myself.

But that’s not the only side of my sexuality. There’s a softer side, a more – for lack of a better word – feminine side. This part of myself seems to be a deeper challenge – the part of myself that truly allows myself to feel physical pleasure. Fetish, for me, is largely a mental desire. As someone who’s lived most her life in her head, it feels natural. It feels good too, but the turn on and get off comes primarily from the mind.

But oral sex, for instance, is physical. Its my partner using their mouth to (theoretically) make me feel good. Its all about my pussy. “Making love” (or “playing” as I prefer to call that sort of sex), to me, is about sensual pleasure. His goosebumps beneath my fingers, the taste of his saliva, the smell of our sweat mixing together. His mouth on my clit, his fingers at my g-spot.

And at present, that can feel scary. Its vulnerable, to ask for what I want, sensually, and to allow myself to receive it. To let that guard down with another human being present. Hell, even to do so with myself at times. Its not that it never happens – I know how amazing it is because I HAVE experienced it – but I’m also aware I’ve put up walls to protect that part of myself.

I get emails all the time from men who are too afraid to be vulnerable and share their fetish with a partner. In some ways, I’m no different.

Sex “problems” are a window into the psyche. T. Harv Eker says, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” I can only speak for my experience, but when I’m scared to be vulnerable in sex, I’m also afraid to be vulnerable with my family and friends. Just as I was scared I wouldn’t be loved for my wild side, I’m still terrified I won’t be loved for my feminine side. Perhaps I’m not yet in love with that part of myself.

Some people see me as a sex expert, but I’m still learning just like them.

I challenge you to consider: Are you “in touch” with your masculine or feminine sides (we all have both)? If not, how does it show up outside the bedroom (or wherever you like to fuck)?

Edited: May 12th, 2012

Sex Tips From Porn Star Nina Hartley: What if My Partner is Shy About Sex?

Legendary porn star Nina Hartley gives her sex tips on dealing with the sexually shy.

My favorite sex tips from Nina: find a way to be supportive, truly supportive. Don’t judge or get frustrated with your partner’s inhibition; that will only push them further away. Be a role model for your partner, show them what a happy, healthy, sexy person looks and acts like by the way you approach their issues.

And I second Nina Hartley’s recommendation of Exhibitionism for the Shy by Carol Queen. Made me realize I’ve always been an exhibitionist – I was just too scared to let that side of me out.

Edited: May 2nd, 2012