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Relationship Advice: To Get What You Want, You Gotta Ask for It

Courtesy Ev’yan at

Your lover can’t read your mind. The waitress at your favorite cafe can’t read your mind. Your dearest, most closest friend whom you’ve known since kindergarten can’t, either.

None of these people can possibly know how you’d like to be touched, how you wish to be kissed, how you desire to be heard — really & truly heard — unless they’ve got telepathic powers. And they likely don’t. So you must tell them.

You must ask for what you want.

If you want less talk & more action, ask for it.
If you want more sugar in your coffee,
ask for it.
If you want to role play in the bedroom,
suggest it.
If you want to be fucked harder, lighter, longer. . .
tell her.
If you want your masseuse to massage a specific kink,
tell him.
If you want a raise,
ask for it.
If you want the trash taken out,
ask for it.
If you want him to call you sweetheart,
request it.

I know it seems silly (& a little remedial) to reiterate such things, but sometimes we forget that we are powerful, persuasive, that we have the ability to choose the way in which our lives are played out.

And, too, we often think that we’re not worthy of pleasure or worthy of an extra cube of sugar in our coffee; that if we were worthy, it would’ve automatically been bestowed upon us. So we see the lacking as a sign.

“Perhaps it’s not meant to be. Perhaps this is just the way things are. Perhaps it’s better this way.”

You have a voice.

Use it to ask for what it is you want.

This is key to liberation; sexual or otherwise. When you ask for what it is you want (& need) you are taking ownership of your desires.

And ownership of your life. YOUR life. Nobody else is gonna do it for you. Nobody will ever give a shit about your wants, needs, and desires as much as you. Even the most caring partner in the world can’t read your mind. Take care of yourself by asking for what you want, what you need, and what you crave.

Edited: July 28th, 2012

Relationship Problems: When Honesty Isn’t Easy

“Experts” like to say “just talk about it” when there are relationship problems – but that’s easier said than done.

A true friend will lovingly call you on your shit because they support your own growth. In my opinion, the best romantic relationships are based on a solid friendship. But if it were easy to be a good friend, more people would have better friendships.

I was always the quiet one, and really communicating my feelings hasn’t come naturally. Especially when I see someone I love acting in a way that’s causing themselves or others pain. Its hard to shine the light on a part of someone’s life they’d rather not see, even though I know they will thank me in the long run. That uncomfortable moment where my words ignite the hurt that often seems to accompany first denial, then realization that I know them, I see them, and I love them – and I may not be 100% correct, but my observation isn’t totally wrong either. I’m afraid to voice my feelings, scared they won’t love me anymore if I tell what I see as the truth.

My usual habit has been to hint at the topic and hope they bring it up. They never do because they don’t know its there. Then I somehow feel rejected, as if they don’t care to hear the opinion they don’t know I have. I’ll smile while I’m screaming at them in my head. I’ll turn it around and blame them. I’ll pull away or cause unnecessary arguments until it either comes out or I get distracted by something else going on in life.

My husband, on the other hand, will drop bombs. He’ll deliver a truth I don’t want to hear in such a way that I want to argue just so he won’t be right. I’ll cry, he’ll apologize. But over the next few minutes, hours, days it’ll trickle into my subconscious. Though he speaks it in a hurtful way, and sometimes he’s projecting — he usually has a point. I’m always glad to his message. But his delivery makes me avoid talking about the issue with him, which may inhibit the very growth he’s trying to help.

Being honest AND respectful is a skill we’re both learning as we go.

Edited: July 24th, 2012

Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore… Addressing Typical Relationship Problems

A dwindling sex life is one of the most common relationship problems, especially among parents and business owners.

Dear Kelsey,

I am a little nervous to email you… I am a 43 yr. old married father of two. Our daughter is almost 4 and our son just turned 2 (so we have had sex ha ha) although our sex life has tanked in the last few years.  My wife and I also have a family business.

I was recently diagnosed with extremely low testosterone. My Dr. has been treating it with weekly T injections (so much because it hasn’t been rising). Along with week erections, (I need to use Cialis or Levitra to masturbate or have intercourse), difficult orgasm, sore body, exhausted all the time, I still have the need to have sex with my wife. It makes me feel closer to her and strengthens our relationship.

She has been supportive, but has her own issues and often does not want to have sex. I then feel rejected and that causes friction. I love my wife and family and just want to feel normal.  She  says that she is tired and not into it (or is she not into me any more?).

What do you think?

Your situation is VERY common.  I’m not a medical doctor, but low testosterone combined with stress and relationship issues is probably what’s up (well, down) with your dick.

Are you on cholesterol medication, by chance?  I’ve read that chlorine in tap water (whether you drink or shower in it) causes high cholesterol, and those medications kill your testosterone.  If so, I know there are natural ways to reduce cholesterol and switching to bottled water may help.

Men who take testosterone also tend to become more aggressive and often don’t realize. You could be acting like an asshole and putting off your wife, without being aware. Pay attention to how you’re acting, especially when she rejects you. You may notice ways to change your behavior that could elicit a more positive response from her.

Regarding your wife – if she’s busy raising 2 kids and doing the business with you, she’s probably exhausted.  And may have her own issues with sex she hasn’t ever addressed (most of us do, especially women).

Whereas men (stereotypically) want to do it at a moment’s notice, women generally need more time to relax before feeling sexual whatsoever.  I don’t just mean foreplay, I mean time for herself in everyday life.  Many moms put all their energy into their kids, without saving any for themselves.  Same with business women too, so combine them and its a recipe for little to no sex.

If this sounds like your situation, if you want more sex you’ll have to help her take the time she needs.  My friend and business coach, Taylore Ashlie, wrote a book for couples in business. Its written for men to help their women be more happy (and sexual) at home, thus making YOU happier in the process.  Its written in flowery language, but even if that doesn’t appeal to you, the concepts are still very useful.

Her book, and working with her directly, helped me calm down and focus on myself, allowing myself to be more sexual.  It really helped my relationship, and I’m sure it could help you and your wife too.

Edited: July 18th, 2012

Kinky Fetish Sex Files: What’s a Vacuum Fetish?

I recently made a custom vacuum fetish video of me vacuuming my couch with attachments in a bra and panties.

I’m always happy to do fetishes like this because they fascinate me, but I honestly had no idea what it was all about.

That is, until I got an email from another vacuum fetish fan, I’ll call him Dave. Dave was kind enough to explain the fetish to me, and give me permission to post his words here:

I have studied [vacuum fetish] for my entire life because it was making me crazy that every time I am in the presence of a woman vacuuming… In my study of fetishes, they begin somehow on a fine line between fear and excitement. That may explain the fetish of spankings or loud balloon popping or crushing, vore, tie-up/restraint or S & M. My fetish with the vacuum began with having some of my favorite toys sucked up by the cleaning lady. I would try to save the toys I had carelessly not put away in time and the cleaning lady (very attractive) had a deadline that I did not meet adequately so slurp, gobble, and rattling away went my marbles, little toy men, and legos.

A woman with a vacuum has a certain CONTROL at the moment. As she’s vacuuming, whatever is vacuumable may not last for long. She has the choice to let it be or suck it up. When women flirt with a vacuum such as poking the nozzle at a guy she likes, it symbolizes her attraction to wanting him or wanting to excite him… I had a girlfriend who used to play with the vacuum and deliberately suck up objects like a ketchup packet leftover from McDonalds and a few stray pennies. It was an incredible turn-on to have her show no mercy and dominate with the vacuum. I would dream I was a tiny insect-sized man trying to escape from her.

There’s a woman… who may have put the entire Freudian illustration to my seeing a woman Vacuuming fetish. In two of her vacuum clips… she places the vacuum nozzle between her thighs and sucks up little creatures/figurines and matchbox cars saying things like “I’m going to suck you up into my pussy”. The vacuum in a Freudian sense represents a vagina or womb and the desire for insertion or impregnation. Personally I hate Freud and think he was too overboard with everything having a deep rooted interpretation but the fantasy of a woman vacuuming and getting sexually aroused has turned out to have some existence outside of my own invented fantasy. I have seen dozens of instances where a woman admitted enjoying sucking up noisy objects or big things or things of value such as coins or children’s toys and many instances of women positioning the vacuum hose pressed high up in their thighs or even against their crotch as they vacuum stuff.

I was at a construction site once and we were about to clean up a bunch of chunks of wood, sawdust and nails and one guy’s girlfriend happened to be there and became excited saying, “Oh can I vacuum up this pile?” Everyone said, “Sure, go ahead”. I melted on the inside and grew rock hard as she mercilessly took pleasure sucking up everything in sight after finishing the original pile swept up for her in less than 10 seconds. She went hunting for stuff to suck up and walked with the hose between her thighs dragging the vacuum behind her. She sucked up a half of a hot dog one of the guys left on a worktable without even asking if he was done eating. Talk about taking control and showing no mercy. A woman can be fat and still get me totally aroused if she’s vacuuming.

I can get aroused the same conventional ways other guys can (sexy looking lady, bikini, nice lingerie, romance scenes in movies, good hugs, tickle fights, flirting, and sex talk to name a few) -but nothing gets me more aroused than when a woman is vacuuming noisy stuff (pebbles, balloons, tissues, buttons or stuff with an assigned value like coins, puzzle pieces, chessmen).

If you have a fetish you’d like to see featured here, shoot me an email!

Edited: July 14th, 2012

The “Elusive” Female Orgasm: Where Does It Go? Why Does It Hide?

Difficulty experiencing female orgasm is common, though many women feel all alone.

I can orgasm just fine on my own. What prevents me from doing it with someone else?

The above is an excerpt from my favorite blog, a post about female orgasm, or lack thereof.

Though I’ve understood I’m not alone in my challenges, this is the first time I’ve heard of someone with a similar problem. Most sex advice assumes if women aren’t orgasmic with their partners they aren’t at all, and the solution is to learn how to female orgasm through masturbation. But making the “leap” from solo to partner orgasm isn’t straightforward. The writer continues…

I don’t know what that means, or how to fix it, or whether “fixing” it is the wrong approach. Sometimes, when I realize we’ve worked so hard to get there yet again and I know it’s just not going to happen, I experience what I’ve come to think of as the “reverse orgasm,” where sex ends with a panic attack and a painful mental storm of self-recrimination, disappointment and despair.

Even though he comforts me and says all the right things, this is a moment of relative solitude. It’s just me and my orgasm, not happening. Once again. And if I cease to work on it, am I settling for less, yet again?

I know I don’t want to leave my marriage, and I know there are no simple solutions. Vulnerability and trust and belief in my self worth can’t happen overnight.

I’m not sure what the solution will be. But learning to talk about it, having the courage to write about it here and be honest about this vulnerability, is a big part of it.

It IS brave to talk about it. I know because its why I started this blog. Because I knew other women/couples must feel the same frustration. I figured if nothing else I’d at least write about my experiences, and maybe it’d help someone else to know they’re not alone. But now I’ve got “proof” I’m not, and I know that my struggles haven’t just been mine – they’re shared by women all over, many who would never go there, let alone write about it publicly.

I don’t have an answer to the “problems” of female orgasm. I’m still working on it myself.

Edited: July 11th, 2012

No Means No: Where Else Does Swinger’s Club Etiquette Apply?

I wouldn’t call myself a swinger, but my husband and I frequent swinger’s clubs and parties on occasion.

No matter where I go, there’s one main rule:

No means no.

We recently went to The Green Door in Las Vegas. We had two encounters with other couples, or rather – I did with the female partners.

Couple 1: I was laying on a bed while my husband licked my pussy. My eyes are closed, and when I opened them a dark skinned curvy woman was on the bed nearby, being fucked doggy style. We began making out and touching each other while my husband ate my pussy and her guy fucked her. Her guy reached down and touched my breast. I said, “Please don’t touch me,” as I continued to feel up his chick. A little while later I was on the other side of them, and touched her body while he continued to fuck her. I rubbed her ass, making her moan loudly, when he reached over and touched me again. I said, “Please don’t.” Shortly after, he came and they left. That was that.

Couple 2: Was sucking my husband’s dick when I looked up to see a couple sitting on a couch next to our bed. The guy commented something about our fucking and we start a conversation. Our work came up, of course, and my husband explained that I’m not interested in other guys, only chicks. I lay back for him to lick my pussy again, and he asked the very attractive female partner if she wanted to lick it instead. She came over, and her guy sat next to me on the bed. He asked, “Is it okay if I sit here?” I said, “Yeah, just don’t touch me.” To which he said, “Of course not.” She licked my pussy and fingered me while I sucked my husband’s dick, and sometime in the middle of all that her guy started fucking her pussy. I squirted. A great time was had by all, and we exchanged numbers for next time we’re in town.

As we drove back to the hotel, my husband said, “If we were ever to swap, I think I’d be cool with a couple like that.” I agreed.

Why? Respect. Men can be extremely impatient when it comes to sex, and in my opinion, restraint is VERY attractive. When my husband and I first hanging out, he kissed my cheek one night and I yelled about how I wasn’t going to make out with him. I wasn’t ready. He laughed and didn’t push it. I slept on his couch that night, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he told me he sleeps naked…I fantasized about coming into his bedroom, but I didn’t. I wasn’t ready. But two nights later I went over to his house, fucked him, and the rest is history.

Men don’t realize: if they’d just calm the fuck down, they’d “get” way more pussy. Sometimes women play hard to get, but if she’s not showing any interest in you – no probably means no.

Edited: July 8th, 2012

What is Women’s Sexuality? There’s No Right Answer.

For awhile I’ve struggled with my version of women’s sexuality.

There are so many books, videos, and people who say definitively that THIS (fill in the blank) is what women want. Be it romance, spirituality, monogamy, or the #1 GUARANTEED METHOD TO MAKE ANY WOMAN ORGASM (riiiiight). And with all that noise, its been a learning experience to tune into myself. I don’t give a shit what anyone says women want. I care about what I want.

So what do I want? I’m finally starting to understand, to communicate it, and to allow myself to let go and receive it when it comes.

Unlike my husband, I’m not looking for any specific act in a sexual encounter. I’d usually like my pussy to be played with in some way, but how doesn’t often matter. What I want is an experience, a feeling that I get with him. I want him to lead me somewhere without my knowing the exact destination (if there is one). I want to trust he’ll take me somewhere I want to go, or depending on my mood, give me the space to drive the car. I want to feel both his physical strength and his gentleness, his love with just a hint of aggression. I want to feel safe being vulnerable because in that space I can let go. I want to “worship” his body, his smell, his taste, to appreciate and give pleasure to this person who makes me feel that.

Evolutionary psychologists like Roy Baumstein and Lisa Diamond believe that women’s sexuality is more “plastic” or variable than men’s. They study the phenomenon that women are more likely to fall in love “with the person, not the gender” – and forgo a straight or gay identity for someone they care about. This seems to reflect my experience, not exactly in terms of sexual orientation but rather the specific sexual activities I’ll practice in my personal life.

Whereas my husband is focused on licking, fingering, and fucking my pussy or ass, I’m fairly open as to what we do. Sometimes I’ll want my pussy licked, or toys in my ass, or my feet rubbed and sucked while I masturbate. Sometimes I want to be massaged, sometimes I want to suck his dick, sometimes I want him to fuck my ass HARD. I love to role-play – sometimes I’m in charge, but more often I’m submissive – sometimes in a loving, caring situation, others in a pseudo rape fantasy.

What I want is space to allow these fantasies and desires to rise and blossom. I don’t always know what I’ll want until I’m in the middle of it. Sometimes I choose to let him run the show, only giving feedback if, say, his tongue is too far to the left. Other times I describe a fantasy, a sensation, or act I’m craving in the moment. Whatever it is that I want is not static, and my desires today don’t necessarily reflect what I’ll crave tomorrow. If the stereotypical woman constantly changes her mind, then I suppose that’s my experience of women’s sexuality. So be it.

Edited: July 5th, 2012

Let Me Share a Secret…

I have a confession to make: I love sex.

I’ve noticed lately that I spend a lot of time justifying my work to myself. I have all sorts of academic and intellectual theories about why I do what I do, the benefit it has to people, etc. In all honestly, if it weren’t for these grand ideas I probably wouldn’t be in porn because my #1 goal in life has always been to help others.

But regardless, at the end of the day, I make porn because I love sex. I love talking about it. Reading about it. Writing about it. Doing it. Trying new things with new people. Experiencing sexual subcultures. Making sex videos. Basically…I love sex.

And I discovered a set of beliefs been behind my mental justifications: I’m too sexual. My expression of sexuality is too out there. Oh, its fine for other people. But not for me. I’m a good girl. I shouldn’t like sex, let alone earn my living from it. Sex should be – at best – a weekend hobby. My exhibitionist perverted exploits are a sign that something is wrong with me, my lifestyle, my choice in life partner. Basically, that I shouldn’t love sex.

Would I feel this if I were a man? I don’t think so. My husband doesn’t seem to have this hangup, anyway, and he’s been making porn for almost a decade now.

I can have my theories and beliefs about how porn can help people, how it can change our cultural ideas about sex and relationships, how the most effective sex information comes from those who do it. And that’s important to me. But that’s not WHY I make porn. I make porn first and foremost because I love to fuck, in whatever way fucking means today (and if you’ve seen my fetish site, you know I see sex in anything and everything). The impact it has on my fans and followers – its all secondary – because no way would I do it if I didn’t get off on it in one way or another.

Its time to be honest with myself: I love sex. And that’s okay.

Edited: July 2nd, 2012