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Self Confident or Narcissistic?

Ev’yan writes:

The definition of narcissism in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is simply this:

1: egoism (excessive concern for oneself)
2: love of or sexual desire for one’s own body

The first description wasn’t completely unexpected, as I’ve been taught to view a narcissist as someone who is dangerously obsessed with themselves to the point of vaingloriousness. But the second description made me gasp aloud. “A love of or sexual desire for one’s body.” As someone who is desperately trying to become one with her inner sexual being, that notion sounds fantastic!

The idea that a person could love themselves so much that it has the ability to arouse them seems like the best way to live. It takes a lot of self-possession & comfort in your skin to have a pure kind of love for your own body, & that level of love takes a radical turn when you begin to find yourself sexually attractive. I imagine that sex would be much more amazing if just the sight of your nude body had the ability to turn you on.

We’ve been wrongfully conditioned to see a narcissist as a person who is disgustingly self-centered, & only that. We’ve also been taught that to be egotistical is to be inconsiderate; that it’s improper & conceited to worship ourselves. But try twisting the definitions of narcissism a bit. Try pulling the word “self-centered” apart & strip it from its negative undertones.

“Self-centered” then becomes Self Centered, two whole, separate words that create a gorgeous statement of self-awareness.

The same thing applies to other words that are synonymous to narcissism: self-loving, self-admiring, self-regarding. When everything critical is taken out of the those words, they suddenly encompass an extraordinary kind of love of oneself.

Self Loving. Self Admiring. Self Regarding. What beautiful ways to describe yourself.

I imagine that one who is beautifully Self Centered (or Narcissistic) is…

- Gracefully centered in herself. She knows the inner workings of her being better than anything else on earth. She understands that she & her happiness are her first priorities.
- One that listens to her heart. She only makes decisions that will benefit her contentment & is unapologetic if her choices make others flustered. She realizes that she cannot change others & that it isn’t her duty.
- Completely self loving. She is sensual. She revels in the sight of her naked body. She radiates a kind of eroticism that is subtle & intimate. She seduces herself on a daily basis to celebrate the fondness she has for her being.
- Perfectly self-possessed. She exudes confidence & poise, so much that she practically walks on air. She never lets anyone get in the way of her own convictions. She doesn’t allow any one thing to label her or tell her what she isn’t.

We should all venture on the path to being unapologetically Self Centered & Narcissistic, if only just a little bit. I have a feeling that the moment we do that we will see ourselves in a new light, one that illuminates our entire being authentically & freely.

Edited: September 30th, 2012

How Can I Have More Confidence With Women?

A reader asks:

I am a 27 year old Asian guy (currently in college) who comes from a family which has never discussed sexual matters openly and am also an only child. Hence I grew up in a very sheltered environment and find it very hard to approach women. I have had only 1 real relationship (a fling) which lasted for 3 months  and the sex was terrible due to both of us not knowing each others needs I guess we didn\’t really love each other. I find it extremely hard to talk to a beautiful lady face-to-face and am always freezing up. Any ideas how I can boost my confidence with women and find someone I truly love? I have never had an orgasm while having penetrative sex , and had always had to rely on porn, masturbation and visiting prostitutes. Would really like to find a woman I truly love and have great sex together. Thanks a lot!

I’d suggest two things –

(1) Learn about the female anatomy, women’s sexuality, and women’s psychology.  Every woman is different, but Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus wouldn’t be so popular if there weren’t some generalizations to be made.  The more you understand where women are coming from, you’ll have more confidence AND much better success.  I’d suggest checking out:

- Women’s Anatomy of Arousal – The best overview of female anatomy.

- Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of Female Orgasm – The book describes a practice called orgasmic meditation (which you don’t need to learn unless you want), but explains women’s sexuality very well.

- The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists – Its a true story of a man who barely ever got laid, to becoming a world renowned pickup artist.  You don’t need to follow his methods, but it gives good insight into what women want in a man.

(2) Work on your confidence overall.  How confident you are with women reflects your confidence in other areas of life -its all connected.  People like Tony Robbins, Jack Canfield, and countless other personal development trainers have great self-help books, seminars, audio recordings, and online programs.  I can’t tell you how many hours or how much money I’ve invested in personal development the last few years!  There are a zillion directions you could go, so I’d suggest browsing Amazon for self-help books to get started.

Edited: September 29th, 2012

Re-Writing the Past: Forgiveness and Taking Responsibility

Sometimes things “happen.” Events take place. People say things, do things that hurt us.

Most of us hold onto our pain, covet anger and tears. We’re quick to point out other people’s crap, but we’re protective over ours. We’ve inscribed our name in gold on the luggage tags, screaming if anyone comes close to messing with our baggage. Because HE/SHE DID THIS and its THEIR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forgiveness doesn’t mean another person’s actions or words were acceptable or appropriate. It doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt you. Because forgiveness has nothing to do with THEM. It lets YOU go from the anger, sadness, and pain you’ve held onto.

I recently had a dream about an ex, from a relationship that ended in flames. We had some great times while it lasted, but the breakup was horrible. Though I’d long since moved on to people who were better for me (and he to partners better for him), I still held onto some resentment. Anger. Hurt feelings.

Until I had a dream. I saw him, walked up to him, and said, “Just so you know, I’m over everything that happened. I really hope you’re happy. I forgive you.” He said nothing. I had to throw in a little jab – “I still wish you’d apologize.” He said nothing. I rolled my eyes. But I felt at peace. I didn’t need him to say anything. I woke up and realized – wow, I’m finally over it. I replayed the events over in my mind, and I had no more unpleasant feelings about it. It simply…”happened.”

Why? In the weeks prior, I’d thought about that time of my life in detail, for the first time in years. I recognized that while I didn’t cause the situation to happen, I did some things that pushed it in that direction. Bottom line: I took responsibility. As much as I wanted it to be all him, I saw there was at least some me.

Taking responsibility allows forgiveness to flow naturally. If I recognize my human-ness – my mistakes – then it opens up space for him to be human too.

I’ve heard Oprah quote Maya Angelou many times – When you know better, you do better. If the people who hurt you knew better, they wouldn’t have hurt you. If you’d known better, you wouldn’t have been in the position to be hurt.

Because the forgiveness isn’t about them. Its really about you. And ultimately – forgiving yourself for being there, for taking it, for contributing to it, for getting yourself hurt.

Let go. Forgive. Life is waiting.

Edited: September 23rd, 2012

Are You Compatible in Bed?

How can a relationship work when each partner has different desires? Sexual compatibility is important if you want to be happy and fulfilled, but it doesn’t mean you have to share the same fantasies! How do you know if you’re compatible? What can you do if you’re not?

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Edited: September 22nd, 2012

Female Orgasm From Boobs?

Guys aren’t the only ones who can cum from tits… For some lucky women, female orgasm can happen from stimulating the breasts.

How’s it possible?

- Breasts can swell up to 25 percent when you’re aroused…

- Nipple stimulation activates the same region of the brain as clitoral, vaginal and cervical stimulation…

- Just as breasts come in all shapes, sizes and colors, women’s preferences during breast play will differ…

- Breast sensitivity changes with our menstrual cycles…

Can all women experience female orgasm from playing with their breasts and nipples? Just like squirting is possible for virtually all females, theoretically so are breast orgasms. But just as most women aren’t squirting, nor are most women cumming from their boobs. If you or your partner can, awesome! (Honestly, I may be a little jealous.) If not, enjoy whatever pleasure they do provide.

Bottom line: Boobs are awesome.

Edited: September 21st, 2012

Porn Sex vs “Real” Sex

What’s the secret to making sex look so great on camera? Why doesn’t “real” sex turn out so beautifully? I share behind the scenes secrets about porn sex and why YOUR sex life looks so much different. What can you learn from porn? What can porn learn from you?

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Have you learned any sex tips from porn? Got something good to share? Or something to NOT try at home? Leave a comment!

Edited: September 20th, 2012

Confessions of an Emerging BDSM FemDom (Female!) Fan

I get emails from submissive men all the time, wanting to know how to get women to be more dominant with them. I often coach men on how to draw the dominant side out of a woman, but for some BDSM comes naturally…

Confessions of a BDSM beginner:

I think I might be kinky.

I know, I know: These days, who isn’t? With Fifty Shades of Grey refusing to budge from the bestseller list and Rihanna singing about how chains and whips excite her, it’s practically de rigueur to own a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. But I know for me, this isn’t some trendy game I’ll play with a pink blindfold and a couple of scarves (though if those are your thing, more power to you!). I’m talking about real domination and submission, real pain.

I’ve always liked playing around with control in the bedroom. One boyfriend I had would pretend to be a bandit or a pirate and I would be the pretty maiden waiting to be ravished. Another would pin me down, yank my hair, bite harder than usual. (Unfortunately, most guys couldn’t seem to understand that I actually wanted something that hurt and left a mark, not just a delicate, ticklish nip on the neck like some Twilight fantasy.)

But while I enjoyed doing these things, something always felt a little tame. It seemed too easy to be the princess, too boring to be the delicate flower, all please-sir-may-I-have-some-more?

I started watching BDSM porn, beginning with the typical guy dominating a girl. It was fine, the way any porn is fine when you want to watch some. But then I found a link to the femdom aspect of this particular website, and: JACKPOT! Fireworks went off in my underwear! The images of men in submission, begging for a touch, were so much hotter to me than women doing the same. And when the man begged to have an orgasm? When he was denied? That was (and is) the best of all, to me. It’s usually a given that a guy is going to climax when you’re having sex, right? At least, it was a surefire (pun intended) thing for my partners, and not always so for me. Femdom changed all the rules.

I’ve tried to figure out why I’m into femdom. Did I once stand up to the bully in pre-school? Do I want to find my powerful voice, one that doesn’t come naturally to my reserved public persona? All I know is what I want: I want a man to trust me enough to let me do whatever I want to him. I want him to want me to do that. And I totally want to ruin his orgasm.

My one big problem now? Finding someone to top.

I’ve never actually fucked anyone this way. I’ve never told anyone about these desires and I’m not sure how to bring them up. I know there are websites for people like me, who want to find a “slave,” but I don’t buy into the whole leather-boots, lotsa-lipstick look that screams “Dominatrix right here!” Nor do I want this to be an entire “lifestyle,” one in which my boyfriend, after a satisfying round of power play, does my dishes and folds my laundry while on all fours. (Then again….)

No, I think I’d rather fly under the radar, and work my ways on some strong man who’s never really given bedroom submission a thought before. I guess I’ll have to start slow and ease him into it with those silly fur cuffs, so eventually he’ll go for real rope. Maybe I’ll even make him think it’s all his idea…

Edited: September 17th, 2012

Is Women’s Sexuality More Open Than Men’s?

Psychologist Lisa Diamond finds that women’s sexuality is more “fluid.” No, I don’t mean having a wet pussy…

In her 2008 book, “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire,” she writes that women’s sexuality appears to be much more fluid than men’s, and that this fluidity tends to involve three main characteristics:

– Non-exclusivity in attractions: can find either gender sexually attractive
– Changes in attractions: can suddenly find a man or woman sexually attractive after having been in a long-term relationship with the other
– Attraction to the person, not the gender

Research seems to support the idea that some women are able to move between relationships with both genders without blinking an eye – and that labels matter little.

Maybe the lesson here is that love and lust are about people, not about labels – and I think that can only be a good thing.

This very much describes my sexuality, not just about the gender I’m attracted to, but the wide variety of sexual fantasies and acts that turn me on.

But this phenomenon could also be because lesbianism and bisexuality are more socially acceptable for women than men, so men may be less likely to openly pursue same-sex relationships even if they feel attracted. On webcam, I often talk to men who have a “forced bisexual” fantasy, where we roleplay that I force them to suck cock or take it up the ass — and they like it.

Are women more open about their sexual preferences than men? What do you think?

Edited: September 16th, 2012

Who Can REALLY Answer Your Sex and Sexual Health Questions?

Doctor knows best, right? WRONG. Various studies show physicians don’t know everything about STDs and sexual health… And sometimes, they’re flat out wrong.

I once spoke with a woman whose doctor told her she could get HPV from taking a shower in the locker room after soccer practice.

FYI – You can’t.

So what’s up with doctors, why do (some of them) know so little? Where should you turn to get your sex questions answered? Listen to find out…

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Edited: September 14th, 2012

Sex News: Dick Pics Are “Normal”… And Natural?

The largest internet study on sex finds:

Men like to show off their junk: On the adult networking site, 36 percent of men use an image of a penis as their avatar; only 5 percent of women use a vagina. On Reddit’s heterosexual Gone Wild forum, where users are free to post NC-17 pictures of themselves, 35 percent of images self-posted by men consist of penises.

Many men are obsessed with their penises. When I webcam on Streamate, I notice men’s screennames often refer to their dick – its size, shape, and ability to make me cum (yeah, right).

The researchers suggest they’re compelled by an unconscious, evolutionary urge inherited from our primate ancestors: male monkeys and apes routinely display their penis to females to indicate sexual interest. In other words, it’s a very natural urge; of course, so is burping, but most men are able to restrain their sonorous belches around the ladies.

But men are also interested in looking at penises themselves. And not just gay men: The number of searches for “pussy” in our Web search data just barely beats out searches for “dick,” 1,096,614 to 938,134. Big Dick is a popular category of porn on all of the major heterosexual adult tube sites, including PornHub, the most popular adult video site in the world.

For men, the penis can never be too big. Just .2 percent of men wish they had a smaller penis, compared to 9 percent of women who wish they had smaller breasts. Indeed, there are more than six times the number of searches for “big dick” than “small dick.” In our set of 42,337 most popular adult sites in the world, there are 1,072 Web sites that feature heterosexual porn with large penises, including Monsters Of Cock, Mr.Biggz, and Teens Like It Big. The number of sites devoted to small penises? Just three: PinkyDick, Little-Cock, and My Tiny Dick.

Is it evolutionary? Perhaps. Or it may be a broader cultural anxiety about penis size – where men obsess over how well they measure up. I saw an infomercial for new “male enhancement” pills last night that said something like – Women say this is what they want in a partner:

1. Honesty
2. Friendship
3. Stability
4. Commitment
5. Humor

But this is what they REALLY care about:


Then they crossed out #2, because if you have SIZE, money doesn’t matter so much.

No wonder men are so worried.

Do you think men are obsessed with their penises? Why do you think men post dick pics all over the web?

Edited: September 12th, 2012

Finally, Its (Kind of) Okay to Be a Slut

In high school, I once spent a week at an artsy charter school. I fully transferred, then changed my mind and went back to my neighborhood school. Somehow in a week a rumor went around a few cliques that I left school because I was pregnant (like a Jewish virgin Mary). When I came back, there was some strange confrontation in the girl’s bathroom where a more “popular” girl called me a slut. I think I cried.

Things change…sort of.

The sexual double standard has existed a long time, where guys are players (good) but girls are sluts (bad). But apparently the double standard is dead among college students:

nearly half of the participants judged men and women by the same standards, and claimed to lose respect for either promiscuous men or women

Yay, everyone hates man whores as much as slutty girls!

Should we be happy men and women are judged by the same standards? Or sad we’re all judging one another equally? Because really, why does it matter what someone else does in their sex life (or any other part of their life, for that matter)?

What do you think?

Edited: September 10th, 2012

How to Have Anal Sex – What Happens When it Goes Wrong?

Learning how to have anal sex isn’t always fun and games.

I got this question from a (female) reader:

So I had anal sex for the first time and the next day I was sore. When I went to the bathroom and did #2, there was blood. Is that normal?

This is an unfortunately common problem when anal sex isn’t done right. Hear my response, and how to avoid anal sex pain (and make it feel really good!) in the future:

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Edited: September 9th, 2012

How to Feel Your Feelings, and Why That Matters for Sex

Sex educator Emily Nagoski writes about how to feel your feelings… Which may sound silly. Or obvious.

But the thing is, most of us are emotional idiots. We don’t know how to handle our feelings, which is why we bottle them up, self medicate, or project them onto others (i.e., being a judgmental asshole).

She writes, the biggest problem most people have isn’t their feelings per se, but rather how people FEEL about their FEELINGS. For instance,

You feel angry, and you feel bad and wrong for feeling angry.

You feel anxious and afraid, and you feel afraid of that fear, worried that it might take over.

You feel hurt or jealous or envious, and you feel ashamed and you judge yourself – you feel you SHOULDN’T feel those things.

You feel joyful, and you feel anxious about that joy, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The funny thing about feelings is that we feel them physically. Those knots in your stomach. That migraine between your eyes. Tightness in your chest. We feel with our bodies.

So when we’re busy trying not to feel, and feel bad about what we’re feeling – it makes it real hard to enjoy sex. The body becomes a mess, trying to fight itself. And here you are, trying to get down and dirty, and it ain’t happening. Your dick won’t get hard, your pussy won’t get wet, you can’t cum or it isn’t satisfying when you do.

When you’re so busy trying NOT to feel what you don’t want, there isn’t much room to feel what you DO want.

So here’s an exercise I learned from Leela Francis that’s helped me. Maybe it’ll help you too.

When an emotion comes up, name it. I feel ______________ (fill in the blank – angry, sad, frustrated, excited, joyful).

Then locate it. Sense it in your body. I sense ______________ (pain in my lower back, pressure in my head, warmth in my chest).

And just sit with it. Let it be. If you feel and sense multiple emotions at once, name and locate them all. By feeling your feelings, you’ll move through them instead of being stuck and weighed down by them. It may not happen the first time or the second. Its a practice.

But when you let your unpleasant feelings BE, so will your pleasant feelings. Bottom line: you’ll be a lot happier and feel much more pleasure when its time for sex.

Edited: September 8th, 2012

How to Bring Out a Woman’s Dirty Side

I hear from fans all the time asking, “How do I get a girl like you?” One that loves anal, is kinky and down to try (almost) anything?

Well I wasn’t always this way. I used to be pretty shy and inhibited about my sexuality. It was my husband, Terry, who really brought this side of me out to play. On today’s podcast, Terry and I talk about our relationship and he gives advice to guys wanting to get a little kinkier with their woman.

Have you brought out the dirty in a girl? Or had the dirty brought out in you? Leave a comment!

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Edited: September 7th, 2012

Do Vibrators Ruin the Female Orgasm?

How does hard pressure on the clitoris affect a woman’s ability to have a female orgasm?

Both my husband Terry and I have early masturbation stories like Carlin and Betty describe – for me, I started masturbating on my stomach with my blanket between my legs. Even today it can be hard to orgasm without a lot of pressure. With lots of practice(!) and patience, I’ve started feeling more sensation in other positions, but my body still responds best that way. Its like learning how to ride a bike…a little harder, but more fun.

This video also sparked a great conversation with Terry about needing more sexy time with him. We have amazing sex, but like Betty says – as a woman, sometimes sex can feel like foreplay for my masturbation. Personally, I don’t need an orgasm every time – that’s too much pressure and too “masculine” a goal – but it gets hard to make the time when we’re so busy. Even though we have a very sexual lifestyle, we get stressed out like everyone else!

Edited: September 6th, 2012

Why is Sex So Important?

Hunger, poverty, environmental destruction and disease are ravaging the modern world. But you’re here reading about sex. What’s so important about sex?

After all, we don’t NEED one another to get off – that’s why “God” invented masturbation (thanks!).

Its simple: To experience our living, breathing bodies in the height of pleasure…together. To connect to another human being, whether spouse or casual hookup.

But life gets busy. It can be a challenge to find the time and energy to connect with others. What do you do to stay in tune with your partner? What have you done in the past? Or what have you learned from previous mis-connections? Please share.

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Edited: September 5th, 2012