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The Myth of Monogamy

Most of us have been raised to believe monogamy is natural, healthy, and good for us.

But we’re not monogamous in our attractions or desires – nobody is. All of us are aroused by people outside of our relationships.

Yet the notion that we are – or SHOULD BE – monogamous in our desire actually harms the very relationships we’re trying to protect. When we shut off or feel guilty about attraction and desire to others, we train our body to cut off attraction to our partners too. Read: If we try to stop feeling desire for others, we’ll stop feeling it for our partners. That means: less intimacy and less sex!

Is it possible to choose monogamy in practice, yet be open about our attractions to others? Why would you want to be open about your desires? What impact does can it have on your relationship?

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Edited: October 29th, 2012

Females Can Have “Wet Dreams” Too

Via Postsecret

Via Postsecret

We think of “wet dreams” as an embarrassing event for horny teenage boys. Au contraire. I had one once as an adult. It was pretty cool. Of course, unlike guys – no mess in the AM.

Edited: October 27th, 2012

Where Does a Fantasy or Fetish Come From?

A man is suddenly aroused by an interracial cuckold fantasy and small penis humiliation fetish.

Where does it come from? For that matter, where do any of our fantasies and fetishes come from?

Where Does Fantasy and Fetish Come From? –… by kelseysextips

Edited: October 26th, 2012

Its More Than a Feeling: Love is a Verb

Love is a verb here in my room. – Incubus

A lot of what we’ve been led to believe about love is bullshit. Thank you movies, television, and women’s magazines. Sheryl Paul says many of us carry beliefs about love and relationships that simply aren’t true:

• Love is a feeling. If you’re not feeling love, then you don’t really love your partner.

• If you have to question whether or not you love your partner, you obviously don’t love him/her and it’s time to walk away.

• You should “just know that it’s right.” If you don’t have that feeling of rightness, then it’s clearly not right.

• You should feel head over heels “in love”, which means butterflies and fireworks.

• Your partner should make you feel alive, whole, and fulfilled.

Perhaps this may be the experience of love in the beginning, but anyone who’s been in a long term relationship knows the hearts and butterflies – i.e., infatuation – wears off in time. Love feels good of course, but its not simply an emotion – its a doing.

Paul writes, Once the honeymoon wears off, love is primarily a verb, and to love someone is an active experience. Love is action. Love is commitment. Love is making your partner a sandwich even when you don’t “feel” like it. Love is recognizing that intimate, committed relationships are crucibles inside which both partners will be asked to grow emotionally and spiritually and learn about the barriers that prevent them from loving. As Alanis Morissette said in a brilliant interview with Piers Morgan, “Love, to me, is a verb. Love kicks in for real when things get hard… Love, for me, is when I don’t feel very loving. It’s an action.

Love is when Terry is driving me nuts but I refrain from biting his head off because its not his fault I’m in a bad mood. Love is when I get up to grab him a ziploc bag from the kitchen so he doesn’t have to even though I’m tired and feeling lazy. Love is when I keep my unpleasant thoughts about him during an argument to myself, because some things can’t be un-said. Love is running to CVS in the middle of the night before we leave town for a heating pad when he’s having a gallbladder attack so bad he’s laying in bed crying. Love is when I call him on his shit because I know he’ll benefit from what I have to say, even – especially – if its what he doesn’t want to hear. And vice versa.

I don’t feel lovey-dovey when I do these things. But its in the doing of love that creates an environment where the love feeling can flourish. I enjoy the emotion of love as much as anyone, but without the doing that feeling can quickly be replaced by anger, frustration, resentment, or loneliness. Without the doing, we can jump from one relationship to another looking for the ‘right’ one where we don’t have to work at it. The Disneyland relationship, where fireworks go off at 9pm on the dot every evening.

Paul continues, When the heart-thumping, stomach-churning feeling is gone but you’re still motivated to spend time with your partner, when something deeper than thoughts or feelings draws you to your partner like a magnetic pull (sometimes strong, sometimes less strong), when you keep showing up in concrete, tangible ways for the relationship even when it’s difficult, when there’s an ease between you even when it’s not always easy, this is real love.

It’s time we change “you complete me” to “you inspire me to become the best version of myself” or “with you, I will grow and evolve in my capacity to love.”

Edited: October 24th, 2012

My First Time at a Strip Club

Last weekend I went to a strip club the first time. Strip clubs often make women jealous, but I took my husband and bought him a lap dance. And myself one!

I didn’t know, but it the club turned out to primarily employ lesbians and bisexual girls. Being close to a “couples friendly” sex shop also meant many women, and even some lesbian couples, were also there to enjoy the view. While most the strippers looked bored while dancing for guys, many gave me and the other female patrons some special treatment.

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Hear about my first time, and please share any stories about yours! (Especially you, ladies!)

Edited: October 23rd, 2012

Sex Advice: Why Won’t My Wife Give Me a Blowjob?

A man twittered me for sex advice, frustrated because he loves blowjobs but his wife doesn’t.

There are many reasons we don’t get what we want in sex, but this was a special case. His wife had a terrible experience with oral sex previously, where an ex-boyfriend forced her to give him blowjobs. It was no surprise she wasn’t interested in pleasing him orally.

His question is important for two reasons. First, many of us want things in our sex lives that our partner isn’t necessarily thrilled about. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen, but it takes a lot of clear communication to make it happen so everyone is happy. Below, I give him sex advice about how to approach his wife about the situation.

Second, because 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men experience sexual assault (in the US). Sexual assault is a seriously unfortunate reality, not only for survivors, but for their partners. Both partners still have sexual needs, but trauma takes a lot of time and understanding to heal. This book is a good starting point, but chances are she may need more help.

What’s a guy to do? Watch and learn:

Why Won't My Wife Give Me a Blowjob? — Kelsey… by kelseysextips

Edited: October 22nd, 2012

How to Have Anal Sex – She Wants It, Butt…

Learning how to have anal sex is a process – most couples don’t get it perfect right away.

A man wrote in and asked:

My girlfriend and I have had anal sex several times, but it only lasts for a couple minutes before she turns from feeling very comfortable with it to not being into it anymore. Don’t get me wrong, she enjoys it the same way I do. We just wonder why it goes from feeling comfortable to being uncomfortable for her.

What’s going on and what should they do? Listen and learn:

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Anything I missed? Share your anal sex lessons and leave a comment!

Edited: October 21st, 2012

Sex Time = Play Time

Courtesy Mistress Simone:

“And in the playing of it (games), we come to know ourselves-and each other-more deeply.”

~Jacqueline Carey, Kushiel’s Scion

Hearken back to your childhood days of innocence, touch upon your imagination and free it from the self-imposed restraints of adult life. Allow your inner child to come out and explore the wonderful world of sexual play. Just think, we are grown-ups now and get to have orgasms! How much fun is that when added to play??? Cool,huh?

When your brain disengages from the mundane, creativity can come to the surface. Within our play, we can freely express all the silliness, fears, and insecurities we may have. No one should judge you for your desire to be dressed up like a puppy or for indulging your Lolita side. You can pretend to be younger than you currently are, donning the persona of that age. You can be whatever your imagination can come up with from a puppy to a robot. Dress up like a doll and have your puppet master move your strings!

Adults allow the possible judgments of peers to affect their relaxation and enjoyment in life. We make fun of those who dare to be different. But who are we to judge? Our kinks, interests and desires are just as valid as the next person. Truly, if you have the balls to dress up like a Wookie, no one should criticize you.

And if they do, fuck ‘em. Well actually, don’t!

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Edited: October 17th, 2012

What’s the Point of a “Perfect Body” if You’re All Alone?

When I’m thinner…
When I’m making more money…
When I finish school…

Life will be better…?

We run around in circles trying to achieve, as if life will be better when we hit our target weight, paycheck, or degree. We’ll be more desirable, have nicer things, or better job opportunities.

Or perhaps we’ll become more intimidating to potential partners, have less time to enjoy our fancy toys, or take a crappy service sector job and move back in with mom and dad, all to start paying off that student loan debt.

The grass is always greener, isn’t it?

Via Postsecret.

What are you waiting for?

Edited: October 16th, 2012

Sex News: That’s Disgusting! Not If You’re Horny…

Sex News: A new study suggests women feel less disgusted when they’re sexually aroused.

A new study suggests that when girls get horny

I talk about the study and its implications – after all I wouldn’t be in business if disgust wasn’t intertwined with sexual arousal, at least for some people. I also discuss the challenges of doing sex research and some limitations of this study and others like it. Researching sex is harder than it looks (pun somewhat intended)!

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What do you think? Is it easier to talk about dirty fantasies when you and your partner are horny? When you’re aroused are you more down to get nasty?

Edited: October 15th, 2012

Penises Have Feelings Too?

Sometimes our bodies don’t work the way we want. I recently had a Skype consultation with a man with a spanking fetish. He was new to dating after a 20 year relationship, and was very nervous when it came to “vanilla” sex. He’d loved it with his previous partner, until she stopped indulging his fetish and his confidence plummeted. Then erectile dysfunction became an issue, and they virtually stopped having sex altogether.

Now wanting to get back in the saddle, this man was looking to get back in touch with his “vanilla” side.

Whether or not you have a penis or a spanking fetish, there’s something to learn from this man’s experience. What happens when there’s a disconnect between the mind and the body? Between what we want and what ends up happening in the bedroom? And how do we repair it?

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Edited: October 14th, 2012

Is Sex Work Just a Job?

Some sex workers say, “Its just a job.” But if I wanted “just a job” I’d go sit at a desk for 40 hours a week. To me, sex work is a lifestyle. Because in this business the most important asset I have is, well, me. My sexuality. My self.

I’m in sex work for fun, adventure, and to learn about myself and sexuality more broadly. I’ve had jobs before, I’ve pursued careers. But one thing was always missing – ME. The job came first, and I was last. I was so exhausted at the end of the day I was lucky if I had the energy to masturbate. Sex was reserved for weekends and special occasions, if that.

I had a “normal” upper middle class upbringing, though for some reason sex was always a challenge for me. I craved pleasure and connection but I was uncomfortable going there. Like many young women, I hated my body and felt ashamed of being sexual. Jobs kept me distracted. Ironically, even jobs teaching about sex (!) became an easy excuse to avoid what I simultaneously desired and feared…

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Edited: October 13th, 2012

Too Much Masturbation?

Can’t get enough? This young man worries about too much masturbation.

He asks Dr. Betty Dodson:

I think that I masturbate too much. I’m a 16 year old boy and I do it like 3 times a day and sometimes I can’t even sleep without doing it before bed.

I have a girlfriend and we are sexually active and it is great and everything but I can’t seem to stop. I don’t feel comfortable asking one of my friends and I have turned to you after searching many other sites and finding no info. if you could get back to me it would be a great help.

Dear AF,

Whenever I hear about a teen who thinks they are masturbating too much, I ask, how long do you spend with each session and do you ejaculate each time? Chances are that you are hooked on “quickies” which are not satisfying so you keep repeating the process. It’s like a person who snacks all day and never enjoys a full meal. Both patterns leave you undernourished and not satisfied.

So Stop! Limit yourself to once a day and focus on HOW you are masturbating. Spend some quality time and stop using Internet porn which is as bad a fast food. No nourishment and no satisfaction. You are training yourself you come fast so that sex with a partner will not be satisfying for her either…this will take some time to change your pattern but it’s well worth it.

Dr. Betty

Kelsey’s $.02:

When I’m busy, I can get into the “quickie” habit sometimes. Many of us also learn this habit from our early masturbation practices, hurrying up so no one catches! When I find myself in this pattern, orgasms are less and less satisfying. I take it as a cue to make space for quality time with myself.

Many guys jerk off hard and fast to porn, finishing in just a few minutes. We jokingly call our fetish videos “pop off clips” – just long enough for a guy to get a quick orgasm. But it doesn’t have to be that way. My husband will spend up to an hour watching porn sometimes, so its not whether – but HOW – you use porn in your masturbation practice.

Edited: October 12th, 2012

How to Have Anal Sex: Is Female Orgasm Possible From Butt Sex?

How to Have Anal Sex – Female orgasm can happen for some women, but not all.

How to Have Anal Sex: Is Female Orgasm Possible… by kelseysextips

Edited: October 10th, 2012

Extreme Femdom: What is Financial Domination and Blackmail Fetish?

Financial domination and blackmail fetish are about giving another person the power to ruin them… literally.

Extreme Femdom: What is Financial Domination and… by kelseysextips

Edited: October 8th, 2012

How Does Stress Affect Your Sex Life?

Stressed out? Welcome to the club! Modern life is pretty stressful, which can wreak havoc on your sex life.

When you’re stressed out, your body goes into fight or flight or freeze mode – and it doesn’t want to fuck. We’re so stressed out these days that our bodies aren’t often relaxed enough to want or enjoy sex.

I give a basic explanation of how the body responds to stress, proven ways to reduce stress, and have an even better sex life.

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Edited: October 7th, 2012

Is Porn Degrading to Women? Answers From a Female Porn Executive

I don’t agree with the anal part… I’d have thrown in in the ‘jackhammer’ move (as a move to NEVER do) to accompany the dude’s toolbelt, but its still funny and pretty true.

Edited: October 6th, 2012

Sex Tips: Will Masturbation Help Me Lose My Virginity?

Masturbation won’t help you lose your virginity, but it WILL make you better at sex and last longer when the big day comes…

Edited: October 3rd, 2012

Women’s Sexuality & Female Orgasm: No Change in Stats Since the 70s?

Are women really sexually liberated, considering female orgasm is just as elusive as in the 70s? What do these stats say about women’s sexuality in American culture?

Author Naomi Wolf has a new book out – Vagina: A New Biography. She laments that despite waves of feminism and efforts toward women’s rights, many women are just as dissatisfied with their sex lives as in the 70s:

The modern history of female sexuality has been plagued with misinformation, embarrassment and sexual frustration. When Shere Hite brought out her famous (and, at the time, notorious) Hite Report on Female Sexuality in 1976, about a third of women self-reported that they did not have orgasms when they wished to during sex. This finding preceded Hite’s important — for the time — assertion that penetration was not all there was in terms of female sexual response, and a wave of information about female sexuality followed. Although the Hite Report was initially greeted with great controversy, in the end society agreed that women’s pleasure and sexual wellbeing mattered and deserved respectful inquiry.

But here’s one number that says it all: between 12% and 43% of women in America… say they feel a loss of libido, a decline of desire. Other estimates put the prevalence rate at about one third of American women. The Association of Reproductive Health Professionals claim that 30% of women do not reach orgasm regularly when they wish to — a percentage that has not budged since Hite’s report.

With pleasure so elusive and mockery of the very discussion so normative — even in “serious” venues such as the New York Times and the Washington Monthly — it seems clear that women have a long way to go before we are living in a society respectful of our bodies, minds and the connections between the two. We deserve a climate in which women’s sexual self-knowledge is valued and in which new information is welcomed into mainstream discussion and discussed as if we are grown-ups rather giggling third graders or hysterical chaperones at a 1950s prom.

Edited: October 2nd, 2012

What Do You FEEL During Sex?

Sex is a sensual experience. Sight, sound, smell, taste, and of course – touch.

But are you THERE to enjoy it? Or do you wolf down your sex like a fast food meal on the go?

Whether alone or with a partner, how can you enjoy your sex even more?

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Edited: October 1st, 2012