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How to Bring Fetish Into Your Sex Life

You may enjoy a sexual fetish on your own, but how do you bring it to life with your partner?

Hear the answer to this question in my interview with Dr. Fran of I interviewed Dr. Fran several weeks ago about her experience going from Roman Catholic nun to sex therapist. Dr. Fran invited me onto her podcast to share all about fetish, how I became a fetish porn star, and how couples can explore their fantasies and fetishes together.

On a mobile device? Click to listen.

Edited: December 29th, 2012

How to Tell Them What You Want

Sometimes it can be scary to say what we want in the bedroom. If you’re nervous, its perfectly natural. But communication is a skill, and just like riding a bike – you have to practice before you ride smoothly. If talking about sex is too anxiety provoking, you can start OUTSIDE the bedroom. Listen to this podcast for tips to practice your communication and get more of what!

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: December 26th, 2012

Learn a New Orgasm

Via Masturbation Advocate Betty Dodson, how to upgrade your orgasm:

Over the years, one frequently asked question comes from women and a few men who are unable to incorporate their current method of masturbation into partnersex.

Many have carried the same pattern of childhood masturbation over into adulthood and it’s now the only way they can get off. Some are stimulating their genitals with one or both hands pressed between legs that are tightly squeezed together while lying face down on their tummies- not conducive to sharing orgasms with another person. Others are humping folded blankets, wooden floors, riding the arm of an overstuffed chair or pressing against hard counter tops.

As kids, the idea was to come fast to avoid getting caught. If we were lying face down, mom, siblings or the baby sitter couldn’t see what are naughty little hands were doing.

While Pressure and Tension orgasms are probably the most prevalent kind for a majority of people, they are limited in terms of bodily sensations- similar to a quick blip on the pleasure scale. The other problem is that they rarely translate into sharing orgasms with a partner. The solution is simple! It’s time to upgrade your masturbation technique.

First let me emphasize, there are a gazillion ways to get off and there’s no such thing as having a “wrong” kind of orgasm.

After years of observing my own orgasms plus all the women I’ve known personally and have worked with professionally, I’ve observed four basic categories: Pressure, Tension, Relaxation and the Combination that I call a “Rock and Roll Orgasm.” This one combines elements of the first three. While breathing fully during a buildup, we are squeezing and releasing our muscles rhythmically with direct or indirect clitoral contact. Pressure or Tension orgasms are most often reached by holding our breath and gasping occasionally. Total relaxation orgasms or what I’ve also termed “Sleeping Beauty” are most rare. To remain totally relaxed while breathing deeply, someone else must do genital stimulation in a manner that is nearly perfect. Ha! If you find that person capture them quick!

While no two orgasms from self-stimulation are precisely the same, most women use some form of direct or indirect clitoral stimulation with or without penetration. The body responds with movement, no movement, along with varied breathing patterns from holding the breath to panting. Other women remain utterly silent while others make a variety of sounds. The mind can be paying attention to what the body is feeling, focused on sexual thoughts, or conjuring up a sex fantasy. Just as long as you’re not planning a dinner menu or running the laundry list.

Click to learn about Betty’s 4 types of orgasm and how you can learn a new technique!

Edited: December 24th, 2012

How to Masturbate

Many of us learned how to masturbate when we were young and had to hide it.

Some people still hide it as adults! But masturbation is a great way to learn about your body and what you enjoy. Whether you suffer premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, difficulty with orgasm or arousal, or just want to feel even more pleasure – masturbating to explore yourself can help.

It just requires a change in attitude – seeing masturbation as experimentation vs. a shameful secret. How can you make the shift? Listen and learn about how I’m changing my masturbation practice, and how you can too:

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: December 23rd, 2012

Playing With Dominance & Submission

I LOVED this interview and demonstration with sex educator Jayia and Mistress Kaila Yi. Its long, but well worth the watch! The demonstration was particularly sexy – I love to watch someone experience their sexuality, and Jayia gets (near) naked with us – physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Whether you’re new to BDSM, have a partner interested in domination & submission, or fantasize about one side or the other yourself – Mistress Kaila has something to teach in this fun and sexy interview.

Edited: December 20th, 2012

Can Viagra Help Female Sexual Dysfunction?

Over 40% of US women supposedly have “female sexual dysfunction.”

What IS female sexual dysfunction? Can it be fixed with a little blue pill? Or is something else going on with American women today?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

And check out the trailer for Orgasm Inc.:

Edited: December 19th, 2012

Sexual Shame Stops a Foot Job

A young man with a foot fetish experienced his first ‘foot job’ but pushed her away before he could orgasm.

Sexual shame affects most of us, whether we’re into feet or more “vanilla” desires. If we feel ashamed of our sexuality, we may push away our lovers, stop ourselves from orgasm, or even shut down sexual feelings altogether.

How can we let go of sexual shame so we can enjoy sex?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Have you struggled with sexual shame? Is there a fantasy you crave but are scared to try?

Edited: December 17th, 2012

The Psychological Origin of Fantasy

Often sexual fantasy emerges from situations or feelings we experience in life, whether sexually or non-sexually.

Many balloon fetishists remember an early fondness for balloons at birthday parties. A man caught masturbating as a child enjoys masturbation instruction videos, that make him feel ‘okay’ about jerking off. A power hungry CEO craves wearing a diaper and being changed, to completely give up the control he’s accustomed to.

The psychological origin of our fantasies doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them or us, even if our fantasies emerged from something not-so-great in our lives. Fantasy can be a way of dealing with it, and even when the original pain or trauma has subsided, we can still enjoy the fantasy as just that – fantasy.

I spent most my life trying to fit myself into a mold made by others, consciously cutting off parts of myself that didn’t fit. One could say I have “power issues.” There is a very dominant part of me – a woman who wants to be in charge, to tell people what to do, to have them obey, and sometimes to punish when they don’t – probably because I felt powerless much of my life. Because my wants and needs were never at the forefront of my life, and now I want to demand them.

At the same time, I have a VERY submissive side. This can sometimes be seen on camera, though I more often express this at home. I’m used to doing what people tell me, though I hate it in “real life,” a part of me eroticizes it. Submitting without having to think, without having to assert myself, simply receiving whatever comes. So instead of living my WHOLE life based on others’ desires, I express this need through a portion of my sexuality. I have extremely submissive fantasies sometimes, and when the time is right, I will do almost anything Terry wants.

When I enact these ‘power issues’ in my sexuality, the rest of my life seems to go much more smoothly. I’m less bitchy, because I have people listening to me, and I can express my opinions in a more socially conducive way. I stand up for myself more, because I have a space where I don’t have to stand up at all.

When I downplay the dom/sub aspect of my sexuality, I unthinkingly do what people tell me, am unhappy, and take it out on those closest to me.

Had I grown up different, would I still be into domination & submission? Had I lived life how I want it from the beginning, would I feel the need for taking and giving up control? Who knows? But does it hurt anyone if I play this way? No. In fact, I believe it helps my partners (IRL or virtually on webcam) fulfill their needs for power – or lack thereof.

I always say to do whatever you want sexually, so long as you’re not (unconsensually) hurting anyone. The flip side is – if you DON’T do what you want, you may be hurting yourself… and perhaps, unintentionally, you may be hurting those around you.

What do you think?

Edited: December 16th, 2012

Crossdressing Husband?

Think you’re the only one?  Its actually quite common…


via Postsecret

via Postsecret

Edited: December 14th, 2012

How to Talk About Safer Sex: What Are YOUR Preferences?

The only truly “safe” sex is masturbation (can’t catch a disease from yourself!). So when it comes to partner sex, let’s talk safeR sex.

I’ll admit something most sex teachers won’t: I FUCKING HATE CONDOMS. I love the feel of my partner’s body against mine, inside of mine, their skin on my skin. I love that he can lick my pussy in the middle of fucking me, and we don’t have to clean off lube or spermicide. I love tasting his cock in my mouth – not latex, which leaves behind a distinctive flavor and smell even when the condom is removed. I always think latex fetishists got it easy in the safer sex department!

And I FUCKING HATE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. I got off them 3.5 years ago when I discovered an increased risk of breast cancer, which runs in my family. When I stopped the pill after 10 years, I discovered that it had been suppressing my arousal and attractions. I became even more physically attracted to Terry, especially his taste and smell.

Being married, monogamous with men, only having sex with porn girls who have been recently STD tested, and being tested once a month myself — I have the luxury of condomless sex. For birth control, we go all natural: the fertility awareness method and withdrawal. Contrary to popular belief, when practiced perfectly withdrawal has only a 4-8% pregnancy rate, and Terry has very good control. We’ve been doing some version of this for 3.5 years with no pregnancy, and have recently studied how to more formally chart my cycle. Having anal sex in lieu of vaginal on my more fertile days adds extra protection, though we’re not perfect about it. But the moral of the story is: we’re not worried about disease, and were an “accident” to occur we’d go with the flow and become parents.

But were I to enter the dating world again, I’d definitely make any new male partners slap on a condom until we were committed and got tested together. And he’d only get to pull out if he could handle it (though realistically any guy who could keep up with me would have a high level of sexual awareness anyway). If he were to have sex with other women, he’d either have to use a condom or they’d have to be tested too. I wouldn’t use dental dams or any protection with female partners, but I’d definitely get tested with them as well. And would want to know they had similar precautions if they were fucking men too.

Those are my preferences. Those are the risks I’m comfortable taking. What are yours?

Reid Mihaklo describes his “safer sex elevator speech,” you know, for those times you have a random elevator hookup. Joking aside, these are really important questions to ask yourself, to share with your partner, and to ask how they feel:

(1) When were you last tested for STDs, what did you get tested for, and what was the status of those tests?
(2) What is your current relationship status and sexual orientation, and what, if any, relationship agreements do you have that the other person should know about?
(3) What are your Safer Sex Protocols and needs?
(4) One or two things that you know you like sexually (or might want to do with this person).
(5) One thing you know you don’t like sexually (or that you aren’t up for today).
(6) Optional: Quick rundown of any risky sexual things you’ve done since you were last tested.
(7) Last step: Then ask the other person, “And how about you?” and listen to what they say and how they say it…

Don’t wait for your partner to say something, because chances are they won’t. But if you have the courage to break the ice and give your lover space to share their thoughts – you’ll both get to enjoy sex without any worry.

Edited: December 12th, 2012

How to Talk Dirty

When I met Terry, I didn’t even have a word in my vocabulary to refer to – what I now call – my pussy. One night he got me to say it – pussy – and I couldn’t stop giggling. “That’s so hot,” he told me. When I got home, I texted him one word: pussy. And so the seeds were planted for the wonderfully dirty mouth I have today.

Whether you’re great at dirty talk or you’re completely silent in bed, check out this video for some dirty talk tips:

Sex Tips: How to Talk Dirty by kelseysextips

And check out Exhibitionism For the Shy by Carol Queen for more dirty talk tips!

Edited: December 11th, 2012

Take Your Sexual Temperature

via sex educator Amy Jo Goddard:

Sometimes you get so stuck sexually and you are so used to feeling stuck, you have no way to gauge how or why.

I see this a lot with new sex coaching clients and prospects. If a woman has gotten far enough in her process to call me, she at least has some sense that her sexuality needs attention. Sometimes that’s as much as she knows. Figuring out the way into it or how to break it down feels hard and the whole of her sexual issues becomes a series of symptoms with vague ideas of the root causes.

I recently spoke to a woman who described her sexuality as a ball with no handles that just rolls and rolls and she doesn’t know where or how to get a grip on it. I think many people feel this way about sexuality because it’s so big and so many potential issues come up that they do not know where to begin.

You can start by taking your own sexual temperature, so to speak. Look at the various key aspects of your sexuality and if you could literally take your temperature, how would the mercury rise and fall?

Your Sexual Temperature Key:

COLD: Totally shut down, not happening, needs life-support now!
LUKEWARM: On life-support, barely keeping its pulse but trying to survive.
WARM: Things are moving a bit, maybe slowly, maybe not all in the best direction, but there is motion and a will to be in a more healthy place. Throw me a blanket.
SEXUAL HOMEOSTASIS: Functioning optimally, this part feels healthy and balanced, in a place of “normalcy”. Right on target.
OVERHEATED: Overall, functioning well and with a lot of energy, but energy is a bit out-of-balance.
FEVER: Manic functioning or over-indulgence in this area. Need to reconnect to self and rebalance. Way off your center.

What are areas of your sexuality where you could apply this? There are many aspects of your sexuality that you want to check in with regularly. For starters, do a temperature check on these seven:

- Your sexual body and how you are feeling in your body
- Your level of pleasure and joy, both emotional and physical
- Your desire and attraction, both the quality and level
- Your radiance and excitement-are you glowing daily?
- Your intimate relationships, with self and/or with partners and lovers
- Your energy level, overall and sexually
- Your sexual and creative expression

What next? Click here for Amy Jo’s prescription for a happier, more fulfilling, satisfying and pleasurable sex life.

Edited: December 8th, 2012

Join the (Solo) Mile High Club

via Postsecret

via Postsecret

Edited: December 5th, 2012

Can Fetish Go Too Far?

When should someone seek psychological help for their fetish or fantasy?

A man wrote in and asked:

I was wondering if their are any fetishes that you would recommend seeking out psychological help for? I have a mouth and smell fetish that makes me not really want to have normal sex. I just want to smell women and kiss them. Kissing a girl gets me off very quickly. I find it very difficult to meet a woman willing to meet these standards because I don’t really want a girlfriend only to have someone that I trust not be able to fulfill these fetishes. This is very difficult and it makes me very depressed. How can I help this situation?

Can fetish go “too far”? How can fetishes work in a relationship where two people have different desires?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

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Edited: December 2nd, 2012