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I Want to Be More Submissive!

Can women be more dominant in the bedroom? Submissive men everywhere hope so.

A male listener writes,

80% of girls I’ve tried to convince to be dominant with me simply don’t have the confidence to try. I might suggest to her, “Hey it’d turn me on a lot if you called me this, or you ddi this, or made up something assertive and just ran with it.” But I have yet to find someone I have a really good dom/sub connection with.

Is submissive just a fancy word for being lazy, letting the guy do all the work?

Is the percentage of women who purely don’t have a dominant side a majority?
I just want to treat a girl like crap and then have her return the favor. :P

With 50 Shades of Grey we know many women are into submission, but what about domination?

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Edited: March 31st, 2013

So I have This Fantasy…: The Psychology of Humiliation

My fantasy is for Terry to look at me naked, molest me with his eyes. Then with his hands, nose and mouth. Take me all in.

And then fuck me. Hard. And soft. And hard. And soft. Changing it up so I don’t know what’s coming next.

While calling me names. Saying aloud my greatest fears, the worst things I could hear. That in any other circumstance I’d want to punch him, but would more likely burst into tears and curl up in the fetal position on the floor of my closet with the door closed behind me.

Things like: Stupid. Ugly. Bitch. Worthless. Telling me he doesn’t love me. Among other things I may only ever share with him.

“So you want me to fuck the ego out of you?” he asked when I told him this fantasy.

Sex can be as therapeutic as it is pleasurable. I expect I’ll cry. I want to cry. A cathartic release. Giving me a safe space to emotionally confront the bullshit those words trigger in me. Turning a painful experience into a pleasurable one, or is it vice versa?

When kids used to make fun of me at school for being so shy (they’d ask me if I even knew how to talk) – my mom would say, “Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you.” She was right. Words are only a collection of sounds. They’re only a tool to communicate and understand our experience. They have no inherent value or meaning.

But she was also wrong.

The words hurt when we let them, and we often allow it. Because the words of others really arouse feelings we have about ourselves. If we heal the bruising underneath the words, they have far less power over us.

Hearing Terry say these things to me, a man who’s been crazy about me from day one, feels like a gift. One I can give him – my complete and total vulnerability. The element of my personality (& sexuality) he loves so much – my willingness to just GO THERE, feel ridiculous and see what happens. The part of me that he’s helped bring out, that’s been growing in readiness to take off on its own.

So more importantly, its a gift to myself. I want to be mentally broken. These fears, though far less than they used to, occupy more of my energy than they deserve. Than I deserve. I want to stop TRYING to hide from them. To call them forth and be there with whatever it feels like…and even to make it feel GOOD. Avoiding pain is usually more painful than just going for it. I can slowly peel off the bandaid, dip my toe in the pool – or yank it off and dive right in. I feel ready for a bandage-free swim.

We’ll see how it goes…

Edited: March 29th, 2013

Women’s Sexual Arousal and the Menstrual Cycle

My body is approaching ovulation this week, so I am feeling extra horny.

Huh?

Basically, the body “wants” to make a baby – so it gets more easily aroused in the few days before ovulation – the most fertile part of a woman’s cycle. Doesn’t mean she can’t get super horny in other times of the month, but pay attention to your or your partner’s cycle and you’ll probably notice this pattern. (Unless she’s on hormonal birth control, she doesn’t experience the same hormones.) Enjoy it! Just keep in mind if you’re having penis-vagina intercourse – be careful if you’re not ready for pregnancy!

Depending on how you or your partner feels around period time, it may mean more or less arousal. When I’ve got cramps and am in a shitty mood, sex isn’t the first thing on my mind. But knowing I’m unlikely to get pregnant is pretty awesome so when I’m feeling okay it makes sex more fun.

Here’s what Go Ask Alice has to say:

Alice,

I seem to feel more strongly sexed (hornier) than usual during my menses and so do some of my girlfriends. Is there a clinical explanation for that or are we just weird?

Thanks for answering,

the menses maiden

Dear menses maiden,

Your and your girlfriends’ observations about the connection between your libido, or sex drive, and menstrual cycle are quite perceptive. Women of reproductive age report fluctuations in their sex drive throughout their menstrual cycle. This well-researched topic of interest has resulted in conflicting information, making it difficult to reach definitive conclusions.

The most well-known biological theory is that women feel their sex drive kick into highest gear during ovulation at mid-cycle, approximately 14 days before they get their next period. The surge in estrogen and the added testosterone bonus that accompany ovulation explain why some women experience heightened libido during this time. This change makes logical sense when viewed within the context of evolution. Ovulation is the most fertile phase for women, and increased interest in and responsiveness to sex during this time ensures greater probability of conception and procreation than at other times of the cycle.

Some theorize that women feel less sexual when they have premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and during their periods because mood swings and menstrual cramps interfere with libido. However, some women feel increased sexual energy during their period. The possibility of pregnancy is reduced (but not eliminated) during menstruation, and this may free women to feel more sexual during this time. Also, there is more pelvic congestion during a woman’s periods, so she is already experiencing this heaviness, which may trigger or translate to arousal. Furthermore, because of the menses, there is additional lubrication, making penetration more comfortable. Finally, orgasm is a known reliever of pelvic congestion and cramps.

Until the subject is better understood through more extensive research, the phase of a woman’s menstrual cycle appears to be just one factor among many that can influence a woman’s lust or desire to be sexual. Women can explore and enjoy their sexuality at any time during their menstrual cycle, going beyond the biological theories concerning procreation. Their own unique physiology, mental health, sexual experiences, and/or individual environmental and cultural factors play important roles in the level of their libido, as well.

Alice

Edited: March 25th, 2013

How to Have Anal Sex for Him – Intro to Strap-On Ass Play

Listener questions on how to have anal sex for him!

Why do guys enjoy strap on sex? Do the techniques I use for anal in my anal sex guide work for male recipients of anal pleasure too? What’s a woman to do with a strap on?

If you’re interested in reversing roles and trying something new, listen below for some beginner tips on strap on play!

Leave a comment and share any strap on how to have anal sex tips!

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Edited: March 24th, 2013

How Can a Vibrator Help With Better Blowjobs?

Many vibrators, especially the electric kind, are marketed as “massagers.”

Sure it feels good to “massage” the genitals, but don’t forget it can be used for other body parts too!

I get a sore jaw sometimes, especially when I wake up in the morning because I sometimes grind my teeth. I used to have a mouthguard until I realized it only made me grind my teeth even more, tensing up the jaw even further.

I love having sex when Terry and I wake up together and snuggle before getting out of bed. But morning oral can be hard on my mouth.

I recently discovered its a lot easier if I use my vibrator…not on my pussy, but on my jaw! Twice last week I used my vibrator on my whole body to relax myself before bed. I massaged my jaw muscles on each side and the tendons under my chin. I wasn’t trying to give a better blow job, but when we woke up and fucked in the morning there was no tension or tightness in my mouth! Made our playtime much more fun.

So if oral hurts your mouth, whether you’re going down on a guy or a girl, try bringing the vibrator up north!

Edited: March 21st, 2013

Big Girl Sex Tips With BBW Porn Star Nicole

BBW porn star Nicole is back to talk about big sex.

A self-proclaimed fat girl, Nicole has had sex with guys of all sizes. Whether you’re a bigger girl or hoping to get with one, Nicole’s got great advice on how to make sex work at almost any size.

We also discuss Nicole’s personal sex life and how every person’s tastes are different. Experimenting is half the fun!

Subscribe in iTunes!

Follow Nicole on Twitter!
Watch us both at DirtyLittleDiva.com and KelseyObsession.com.

Kelsey Obsession & BBW Porn Star Nicole

Kelsey Obsession & BBW Porn Star Nicole

Edited: March 19th, 2013

Interview With 100% Lesbian Porn Star Lily Cade

Lily Cade is a “gold star lesbian” porn star, meaning she’s 100% into girls – she’s never fucked a guy and never wants to.

Lily started in sex work as a dominatrix in college and has been performing in adult films since 2008.

Lily is one of a few California legal married lesbians and shares an open relationship with her wife. Lily has been with hundreds of women on camera and off – her blunt honesty gets her into more girls’ panties than most guys would dream of.

Hear Lily talk about her experience in the adult world, her advice for getting women into bed and how to stay happy in an open relationship.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Follow Lily on Twitter!
Watch us both at LilyCade.com and KelseyObsession.com.

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Edited: March 17th, 2013

How to Make a Girl Squirt From My Penis?

A couple knows how to make a girl squirt from fingering, but what about his dick?

A man asks,

I can get her to squirt by doing the come here motion (with fingers) but thats it – no toys or my penis and we both would love to learn how.

If she can already squirt from one technique, its possible to train her body to ejaculate from other types of stimulation. Listen how!

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Edited: March 14th, 2013

Lolita Style – Fashion or Fetish?

<h2>I recently did a porn shoot dressed in what’s called <b><i>Lolita fashion</b></i>.</h2>

 

Kelsey Obsession in Lolita Dress

Kelsey Obsession in Lolita Dress

This style is popular among young women in Japan.  Lolita fashion is somewhat controversial because – its adult women dressing like little girls – and somehow that means they’re appealing to pedophiles. Never mind they’re fully grown adults. These are not underage prepubescent children whose mothers dressed them. They’re adult women who chose these clothes themselves. Aside from those considering themselves asexual, women are sexual beings.  Thus, the women who put on these outfits – I’ll call them Lolitas – are sexual too. But last I checked, people who are sexually aroused by children are indeed looking for children. Not grown women.  Just like the adult baby fetish/lifestyle isn’t about babies.

From my understanding, the community largely tries to divorce itself from sexuality due to claims of pedophilia. But realistically, I can’t believe sexuality doesn’t come into play in SOME way – much like for furries. Furry fandom is a subculture of people who relate better to animals than people. Sometimes they dress up like animals in ‘fur suits.’ If someone sees themselves as a furry  and they’re are a sexual person – wouldn’t it make sense that identity would be part of their sexuality too? I once met a furry (in plain clothes) who told me that it wasn’t ABOUT sex, but sex can certainly be part of it. I can’t imagine Lolita culture is that different.

 

Furry Convention

Furry Convention

But of course, not everyone wants to display their sexuality so publicly. That’s fine. But I do!

I posted some pictures on Tumblr and tagged them with Lolita-related terms. Why? Because I’m people who are attracted to Lolitas probably search for it on Tumblr. Its called marketing. While they’re probably NOT appealing to pedophiles, there are undoubtedly guys (and girls like me) who are sexually attracted to Lolitas. I imagine Lolitas must date and have relationships – its their boyfriends (or girlfriends) who would be looking for my content! Just like BBW Nicole’s boyfriend told me, the first thing he ever did on the internet was search for ‘fat girl porn.’ Shocking. Furthermore, if men with pedophiliac fantasies ARE searching for Lolita fashion pics – if their desires can be quenched by grown women dressed youthfully, wouldn’t that be better than creeping on pics of kids in bathing suits online? (Be careful what you post, parents.)

I received several angry messages from – presumably – women in this virtual community.  All anomymously, of course.  When I replied that they can block NSFW blogs like mine from their timelines, I received a response back that said:

IT’S NOT THE FACT THAT YOUR IMAGE IS NSFW, It’s the fact that this fashion has be continuously mislabeled by people like yourself to represent a sexual thing! We are constantly having to correct people about the style not having anything to do with sex! Your image is further mislabeling our style because you decided to make it sexual and further misleading people while you yourself, have no actual knowledge of the clothing or it’s history!

I’m not sure where the writer is from, but I live in a country of free expression. I purchased my dress online like anyone else. I was not required to sign an agreement not to use this clothing in a sexual context. Nor does one need to have knowledge of a style to wear it (though I follow several Lolita blogs and am somewhat familiar with the culture). Fashion is like art – it changes with context and continually evolves. There are no rules. I don’t represent anyone but me. And this is how I choose to express myself.

I am an almost 30 year-old woman. I enjoy playing dress up. In the same way I like getting ready for raves, applying brightly colored makeup and glitter, carefully choosing my slutty outfit and putting on my leash and collar (which I often wear at parties). Just like senior prom, getting ready is half the fun.

It could be called fetishistic, being a “girly girl,” or a sexualized form of cosplay.  It doesn’t matter. I just plain like it. I even wore the outfit eating dinner with our neighbors after the shoot.

Yet of course, it is sexual – for me. In the realm of what’s called ‘age play.’ Actually ACTING childish can be part of it, but isn’t necessary and wasn’t a big part of the shoot. I enjoy the mental turn on of being a young inexperienced yet naturally dirty girlwho may want some guidance from an older guy. It probably comes from feeling sexual at a young age yet being very confused and scared of it. Sometimes I fantasize Terry is some older teenage neighbor who gives me a safe space to explore my body.  I’ve never been molested and do not endorse adult-chlid sexual relations (though its ‘normal’ in some cultures like in Paupa New Guinea). Its called a fantasy.  Similar, in some ways, to the adult baby ‘fetish’/lifestyle. I got very into the role, and it was my favorite shoot so far.

I find this fascinating.  I get that Lolitas feel the need to defend their form self-expression. Yet trying to police MY form of expression so they can have theirs is beyond ironic.  Telling me not to use certain tags, post pictures, or even wear the clothes altogether.  I’d imagine people say the exact same to them all the time.

We’re either free to be or we aren’t. Can’t have it both ways. There’s a lot on the internet I don’t like.  Neo Nazi websites, gay-bashing sites, pro ana sites, not to mention a wealth of poorly produced porn I find horribly distasteful. Yet they exist under the same freedom as does this site.  So I choose not to look at content I don’t want to see.

I understand what its like to be judged. I get shit all the time about my choices. Strangers on the internet, people I know, even some very close to me. Behind my back and right to my face. I could complain about how nobody respects sex work, whine about how they should change their perspective or behavior – but I have no power over them. Their words may sting, sometimes downright hurt, but that comes with choices others don’t understand. I’m fortunate to have people in my life who get me and support what I do. I can’t change anyone. All I can do is grow to the point where their words have less impact.

I’m a lot happier being me, despite the shit sometimes hurled my way. And the more secure I am in myself, the less I even notice it. As long as nobody’s well-being is harmed, as long as we’re preserving others’ ability to be free in their way, I always say: have at it.

Edited: March 10th, 2013

How to Give Her an Orgasm?

What’s the best way to give her an orgasm?

Question via Tumblr:

heyy!!jus give me some nice tips as to how can i give a good orgasm for my girlfriend!!Thanks!!

Well every person is different, so your best bet would be to ask her! Ask how she masturbates (if she does), what she’s liked with previous partners (if she’s had any) and what she fantasizes about. Most women like their clitoris simulated, some like vaginal or anal penetration, more rarely women can orgasm from having their nipples played with or feet licked. Many women like if you start slower, touch her body all over, lots of kissing and touching – i.e., foreplay – before getting to her pussy. But others like to be grabbed roughly and thrown around. (I like a mix :) ) Talking to her can be foreplay too.. talking about sex is a turn on and the only real way to know if you’re giving her what she likes.

Also check out this awesome book to learn more about how women’s bodies work. At least check out the pictures to learn where her sensitive parts are located… the clitoris is a whole network of nerves that’s a lot more than what you see on the surface. You might learn something about her body even she doesn’t know yet!

Edited: March 7th, 2013

I Got Paid to Masturbate MY Way (I have the best job in the world)

The first time I saw another woman masturbating was in porn. I’d secretly wished for sexually open and experimental friends who would bring up masturbation or sex, leading to some slumber party explorations… But I didn’t have that sort of friend.

Women typically masturbate in porn laying on their back with bent knees – rubbing their clit with a finger or two, using a vibrator, and/or fucking themselves with a dildo. That’s not how I masturbated.

What got me off was lying on flat on my stomach with straight legs, grinding my pussy against my hands. In my younger years, I masturbated against my baby blanket (sorry Grandma! she knitted it for me) or the corner of my comforter. I always felt ashamed, like something was wrong with not only masturbating in the first place, but HOW I did it. In college I wanted to be more “normal” (ha!) so I managed to switch to my hands instead. I still felt horribly awkward and a partner never saw me orgasm until Terry.

Since then, my masturbation repertoire has expanded and I enjoy stimulation in numerous ways – but if I want to orgasm – its still easiest and most reliable lying on my stomach or the same position but flat on my back. I can count the number of times I’ve cum in the positions I saw in porn on my hands.


Yesterday I shot for Yanks.com – my first paid shoot for another company – being filmed the way I masturbate
. When I booked the shoot, I explained my technique to the producer – because in my mind it wasn’t exactly sexy to watch. To my surprise, the site features women’s real methods, everything from vibrators and fingers to running water to an electric toothbrush handle to humping a pillow.

Humping a pillow?! I checked out the site and voila – pillow humping was featured in one of the sample videos. I wish I could have seen this as a teenager! It could have eased a bit of my sexual shame. This is why I feel that porn isn’t good or bad, harmful or hurtful – its about how its made and in what context its used. I feel porn has an incredible power to educate as it titillates. Really, it already IS educating its viewers… but no one ever said education had to be positive or factual. In college I learned that GMOs are “highly debatable” – yet in reality numerous independent studies finds them unsafe. Good thing I got a scholarship and didn’t pay for those credits.

Its ironic the first time I’ve been paid by another company was to do what, in part, led me to study sexuality in the first place – in school, then on camera. It feels appropriate, like I’ve cum full circle. Because the main thing I’ve learned on this journey is that I’m fine how I am (and so are you). It is possible to change your sexual response, to broaden your horizons and explore new fantasy and sensuality. But it must come from a place of love and acceptance, of being okay with what is and growing from there. Otherwise all your energy goes toward trying NOT to be something… which lands you right back in the thick of it again. And again. And again

The producer was a woman in her late 20s, a former performer herself. We talked, ate chocolate and got quite friendly. She made me feel 100% comfortable in opening up, and to my surprise I was even able to squirt. I thought I might be nervous and be “trying” to have an orgasm… which gets the job done but isn’t very satisfying.

I felt so at ease one of my scenes lasted 40 minutes and I could have sworn it was only 20. Her average scenes are under 10 minutes, but she wanted me to just do what I do and end when my orgasm came. I often hear people complain about how long it can take women to orgasm (including my past self), but so what? If its fun along the way – THAT’S the point. THAT’S what leads to the orgasm. Without the build up, the orgasm is a moment that ends as quick as it starts. The pleasure is in the process.


All in all, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience for my first time on someone else’s set.

Edited: March 5th, 2013

Cop on Trial for Cannibalism Fetish?

Cannibal fetish is a new one to me… Fantasize all you want, but ethics come into play when fantasy turns reality.

‘Cannibal Cop’ Trial Begins…:

Valle is charged with conspiring to abduct dozens of women for the purpose of cooking them alive and cannibalizing them. The 28-year-old is also accused of using a police database to target potential victims.

Caught at the center of the case is the adult fetish website DarkFetishNet.com, where 38,000 registered members discuss their girl-grubbing fantasies and recipes.

Valle’s now estranged wife, Kathleen Mangan, stumbled upon the website last year when she discovered her husband was downloading images from the site and participating in online conversations about cannibalism.

“It was porn. It was disturbing,” Mangan testified today about DarkFetishNet.com. “I know S&M is popular with ‘Shades of Grey, but this was different.”

According to NBCNews.com, Mangan went on to describe the violent fantasies Valle had expressed in his online chats.

“I was going to be tied up by my feet and my throat slit, and they were going to watch the blood drain out of me,” Mangan said. “The suffering was for his enjoyment, and he wanted to make it last as long as possible.”

Valle was arrested in October when an FBI investigation lead to the discovery of a list of potential victims on his computer, some of whom were picked out of a law enforcement database and others who were known to Valle in some other capacity.

Assistant U.S. Attorney Random Jackson stressed to the jury during opening statements that, “Gilbert Valle was very serious about these plans.”

Defense attorney Julia Gatto countered by pointing out that “You can’t convict people for their thoughts, even if they’re sick.”

The defense attorney is right. Could having a list of possible victims simply be a part of his fantasies? Sure. But given some were allegedly chosen from a “law enforcement database” – seems to me like he was actually planning a crime.

I don’t care if the thought of killing, cooking and eating people turns you on. Talk about it, fantasize about it, even roleplay it. But doing it crosses moral and ethical boundaries. If its just a fantasy, cool. Reality? Not so much.

Edited: March 3rd, 2013

Fat Girls Are Sexy: Interview With BBW Porn Star Nicole

Many women would flip if they were called a fat girl, but BBW porn star Nicole embraces it.

BBW Porn Star Nicole

BBW Porn Star Nicole

BBW is short for “big beautiful woman,” aka “plus size.” Aka fat. Though most of us in the US learn that thin is beautiful, not everyone feels that way. Good thing, because we come in all shapes and sizes, and sexy is in the eye of the beholder.

Nicole and I discuss how she got into the industry after graduating college and what it is BBW lovers find sexy about big girls. If you think guys aren’t attracted to bigger women, and that all fat girls have low self esteem — listen to Nicole! This sexy confident woman loves her body, and her guy of 8 years can’t get enough of it. There’s someone out there for everyone – its the confidence that’s sexy no matter what a person’s size.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Follow Nicole on Twitter, check out her membership site with over 8 years of content, and watch our facesitting clip together!

Nicole and I at a recent shoot:

 

BBW Nicole Facesitting Kelsey Obsession

BBW Nicole Facesitting Kelsey Obsession

 

 

BBW Porn Star Nicole & Kelsey Obsession Doing Yoga

BBW Porn Star Nicole & Kelsey Obsession Doing Yoga

Edited: March 1st, 2013