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My Wife’s Libido is Really Down – How Can We Reverse It?

Question via Tumblr: My wife’s libido is really down, how can we reverse it?

There are approximately 16 vagillion reasons why a person’s sex drive can change. Without knowing more about your situation, I can only give you a few suggestions:

- Relationship problems

- Hormonal imbalance, particularly from xenoestrogens in the environment (such as soy, BPA, phthalates, parabens, artificial fragrance in beauty & household products, meat & milk from animals treated with rBST/rGBH) – for BOTH of you. If your hormones are off, you may turning her off unintentionally.

- Nutritional deficiency

- Stress

- Medication side effects

- Negative beliefs about sexuality, like “Sex is wrong,” “Sex is dirty” (and not in the fun way), “I don’t deserve to feel good.”

- Not getting what she actually wants in the bedroom

I think for many people – its all of the above. I’d suggest talking to her and ask how she feels about the situation. Let her know you miss the intimacy (I assume) you used to have. Perhaps there is something going on relationship-wise that you don’t know. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with her sexuality in some way, or has preferences she hasn’t expressed. These issues may take time to come to the surface, because if she isn’t telling you something – there’s probably a reason from her perspective.

If there’s nothing emotional or psychological going on, it may be a good idea to see a doctor and get her (and your) hormones, thyroid, vitamin & mineral levels checked out. Eat a healthier diet, exercise and work to get off medications (there are natural ways to cure many ailments, though your doctor won’t tell you that). Be careful of hormone replacement therapy, progesterone creams, etc. that can increase estrogen levels. Dr. Nick Delgado is a GREAT resource for hormonal issues, and can do extensive testing & supplementation to help if that’s part of the problem.

Also, check out these blogs & podcasts – they may give you some additional insight into your particular situation:

Can Viagra Help Female Sexual Dysfunction?

Reader Question: How to Make a Girl Orgasm Better

Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore… Addressing Typical Relationship Problems

Edited: June 29th, 2013

How He Cums in My Mouth

Everyone says communication is key to great sex and relationships… but how do you actually do it?

I still wonder sometimes! But other times I get it right. So today I share a little story about my sex life – a question I asked my husband about his preferences – about how he cums after we fuck.

And if you don’t care about communication, well, you just might like my sexy story anyway…

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Edited: June 27th, 2013

How to Make Her Squirt – Female Ejaculation Questions

Learning how to make her squirt is more than just science & biology – its an art.

A reader asked, “I feel her g spot fill up with fluid, but she doesn’t squirt. What can I do?”

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Edited: June 25th, 2013

Women’s Sexual Desire is Just as Strong and ‘Ravenous’ as Men’s

Think she doesn’t want sex as much as he does? As I’ve written & discussed, relationship issues and stress can definitely impact a woman’s sexuality (IMO, more than guys… though it affects them too). Social norms too (“good girls” “shouldn’t” get too wild…). But sex IS important to women.

So why do many people still think that all women want is love & romance? Don’t get me wrong, those are great. But it doesn’t mean we don’t want to FUCK too!

So Journalist Michael Bergner asked the question: What do women want?

Bergner found that female sexuality is everything we tell ourselves about male sexuality – that it’s base, ravenous and animalistic – is true of female sexuality.

Certain qualities society has traditionally attributed to women – that they are inherently and biologically better suited to monogamy, that women’s desires are based in romantic love – are ‘scarcely more than a fairy tale‘, writes Bergner.

The idea of women being passive and men being the initiators of sexual contact is also a myth, both in the human and the animal worlds, says Bergner.

Women’s sexual desires and fantasies are often submissive or passive, says Bergner, and he believes ‘the force of culture has, to some degree, inverted things’ in terms of how women think about themselves and sex.

‘The force of culture puts some level of shame on women’s sexuality and a fantasy of sexual assault is a fantasy that allows for sex that is completely free of blame,’ Bergner told Salon.com.

‘So that’s one reason. Another, which [researcher, Marta] Meana brings up, and which I think is very compelling, is this idea that the feeling of being desired is a very powerful one, a very electrical one. And I think at least at the fantasy level, that sense of being wanted, and being wanted beyond the man’s self-control is also really powerful,’ he said, addressing the idea of submission fantasies.

‘Being a human who is sexual, who is allowed to be sexual, is a freedom accorded by society much more readily to males than to females,’ Terri Fisher, Professor of Psychology at Ohio State University tells Bergner in the book.

If you’re into a woman and she’s a bit shy… that means she may need your help in bringing out that dirty side of her.

Edited: June 24th, 2013

Taboo Fantasies – How Do I Explain it to My Partner?

Question via Tumblr:

My deepest fantasy has always been to watch a girl poop naturally in the toilet. No scat play, I only want to watch the girl relieve herself. How do I explain this to a girl without her getting creeped out? Figured I’d ask you because you specialize in fart videos (which I also like).

From what I’ve heard of this fantasy, its something experienced either with a dominatrix or in a long-term committed relationship with very open minded partners. The reason being our bathroom norms are very deeply embedded from an early age. Not only do most people not consider it sexual and find it gross, its also hard for most of us to go to the bathroom around others. Ever get ‘pee shy’?

I know a girl who was contacted about working for a scat website ran by Ira Isaacs (who has now been sentenced to prison for 4 years on obscenity charges – ridiculous IMO). She was offered a large sum of money to go #2 and (I think) use dildos in her ass after. She was considering it and went down to try it out. She had to go, but it wouldn’t come out. Anxiety gives us a ‘tight ass’ – not just in attitude, but physiologically too.

I don’t say this to discourage you, but to help you imagine what its like to be in your ideal partner’s place. In my opinion, this isn’t a first date topic of conversation, but something that could develop if you and your partner have an established relationship of trust & communication. The fact that you only want to watch works in your favor – because its simply observing something she’s already doing and doesn’t require she get directly involved in it. If you had a 2 Girls 1 Cup fantasy – that would be MUCH harder to make happen. Though anything is possible.

While going to the bathroom doesn’t turn me on, if my husband wanted to watch me I’d probably let him… but it would take some getting used to.

I’d suggest you focus on learning how to communicate well & have a happy relationship. If you already have someone, it will make it even better. If not, you’ll find someone you get along with one a sexual level in general – and can go deeper from there.

Check out these blogs & podcasts:

Toilet Fetishes – Where Taboo Meets Turn On

Let’s Talk About Sex: How a Real Life Couple Communicates About Sex

Turning Fantasy Into Reality

How to Bring Out a Woman’s Dirty Side

How to Have a Happy Relationship

Edited: June 20th, 2013

Why Won’t My Girlfriend Talk About Anal Sex?

Question via Tumblr:

My girlfriend isn’t shy or inhibited.. at all.. but sometimes she’s not very open. There are certain things she just won’t talk about. For instance, if I try to bring up any kind of anal play (not just penetration but anything) all I get is a capital letter NO. It’s just not up for discussion. At this point i’ve given up trying to discuss anything like that. Is there anything i can do to promote a bit of openness about discussing sexual things?

I would imagine its one of two things:

1. She’s had a bad experience with anal before you.

2. She’s embarrassed about her butt being gross, smelling, being dirty, etc.

Either way, its something that makes her uncomfortable. Instead of asking her to do anything anal, ask her about her feelings on the topic.

“I notice you get really upset whenever I ask about anal. Why do you get so upset? How do you feel about it?”

Empathize with her perspective, whether or not it makes sense to you. You cannot convince her with logic to change how she feels. However if you engage in an open dialogue about the subject, without pressure to do anything in the moment, her worries may relax. She may be more willing to at least talk – if not try.

Edited: June 16th, 2013

Premature Ejaculation Vol. 4: Why Your Mind is Against You

Problems lasting long enough? Where does it come from anyway? How does your brain sabotage you? If you understand why you cum so soon and how your brain works, it may be easier to learn how to last longer in bed. AND to be more patient while you’re learning new sexual techniques.

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Edited: June 14th, 2013

My Sexuality is Ruining My Marriage – How Can I Change My Desires?

Reader Question:

I need advise on how to curb my desires for my wife. She’s a wonderful women and I deeply love her. The problem of me wanting more than she can give. I can’t stop wanting her the ways that I do and I desires her and only her. The desire causes problems in our sex life, which in turn causes problems in our marriage.

The only option of fixing this is to help me not want these things than to change her to want them. I would like oral sex and to perform it as she doesn’t like either, I want anal sex to be part of our sex life, for her to be a bit slutty in bed, her to touch herself and pleasure herself, let down her wall and go wild, be naughty outside the comfort of the house…maybe flash every now and again when nobody is looking. These things are always brought up and never done.

What can this guy do, and how can he save his marriage?

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Edited: June 10th, 2013

I Wanna Learn How to Squirt!

Want to learn how to squirt (or how to make your partner squirt)? First understand the difference between female ejaculation and orgasm.

Question via Tumblr:

I’ve never had a vaginal orgasm, I can only finish by rubbing my clit.. and when I orgasm it’s not a lot of cum. I really wanna learn how to squirt.. Any tips? :)

Studies show that only 30% of women have vaginal orgasms. A majority of women orgasm from clitoral stimulation. So there’s nothing wrong with clit orgasms as long as they feel good!

If by ‘cum’ you mean vaginal lubrication (‘pussy juice’) – that’s completely normal. Some girls get extremely wet, others are more dry. It is related to your hormones, and if you’re on hormonal birth control (pills, shot, Nuvaring) you may have more vaginal dryness.

Squirting is different from how wet your pussy gets, its prostate fluid that squirts out the urethra from g-spot stimulation (though some women can just from clitoral stimulation). Squirting isn’t the same as having an orgasm. Some women squirt while they orgasm, others have their orgasm and squirt separately. That’s what I do now – I orgasm from clitoral stimulation (sometimes with a dick or dildo inside to feel filled up), usually flat on my stomach or back. But I squirt from penetration lying relaxed on my back. Both feel great in different ways.

Check out these links to learn about how to squirt:
How to Make a Girl Squirt – Is Female Ejaculation A Myth?

How to Make a Girl Squirt – Learn the Technique

How to Make a Girl Squirt – The REAL Secret Behind Female Ejaculation

How to Make a Girl Squirt From My Penis?

Edited: June 9th, 2013

Premature Ejaculation Vol. 3: Sex Tips on How to Last Longer in Bed

More tips on how to cure premature ejaculation, for you fast cummers out there.

I share what it is Terry does to stop from cumming too soon plus some simple techniques you can try at home. There’s no shame in learning some new sex techniques, and no one even has to know if you don’t feel like sharing. Just like learning how to ride a bike, it will take practice and patience – try these out and see what works for you!

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Edited: June 7th, 2013

I Have This Fetish… How Do I NOT Sound Like a Pervert?

How can you ask someone to fulfill your fetish or fantasy?

Question via Tumblr:

Hi Kelsey. There is a girl at my gym who has the nicest ass and would love to smell and lick her sweaty ass after one of her workouts. How would I ask her without sounding like a pervert?

I don’t think you CAN’T NOT sound like a pervert asking that question. Think about it from her perspective. You’re a perfect stranger who’s been watching her at the gym. She may or may not know you exist. Even if she thinks the idea is hot, I’d estimate 9.5 out of 10 women wouldn’t want to do it with a complete stranger. Even one night stands aren’t usually with perfect strangers – they at least spend a couple hours getting to know each other at a bar or party.

Simply approaching a stranger to fulfill your fetish won’t typically work. There has to be rapport, comfort, AND they have to get something out of the situation as well.

What you could do is approach her to hang out & hook up in a ‘normal’ way… Then once you’ve broken the ice, you can go to the gym together and have sex right after – smell & lick her ass as a part of it if she’s down. Also be sure to ask what she enjoys and give it to her. Focus on giving her a great time and she’ll be much more likely to want to please you in return.

Edited: June 5th, 2013

Be a Weirdo!

Everyone’s so concerned about being NORMAL. I spent most my life trying really hard to be what everyone else said I should. Thankfully I met someone who showed me I didn’t need to be normal — I needed to be ME. (You wouldn’t be reading this otherwise!)

I’m not normal. And neither are you. Maybe its your sexual fantasies (“You pervert.”). Perhaps its your obsessive Barbie doll collection (“Aren’t you too old for that?”). Or a preference for ketchup on your pancakes (“That’s just disgusting.”).

Philosopher and ordained Jewish Rabbi, Dr. Marc Gafni says, “There’s nothing more attractive to a partner than the experience of YOU living your unique self.”

So why are you pretending to be anyone but?

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Edited: June 4th, 2013

What’s Your Deepest Desire?

Lately I’ve been thinking about desire… that feeling of wanting. Craving things, people, experiences that aren’t currently here. Now.

And I thought of a quote by poet Rumi, “The longing is the answer.”

Its so easy to get down on ourselves and our lives when we don’t have what we want. But it always happens: when we get there, we start wanting something ELSE!

Is the answer to stop desiring altogether? Well that doesn’t sound like fun. But you know, what makes an orgasm great isn’t simply getting off. Its the build up. The anticipation. The pleasure along the way is not only what leads to the orgasm – its half the enjoyment!

What do YOU desire? Really, really, reeeaaallllyyy crave? What does it feel like? And why is that feeling important if you want to actually get it?

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Edited: June 1st, 2013