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More on Rough Sex and Porn

I recently talked about how rough sex at home is a lot different than what you might see in porn. Or at least it should be if you don’t want your girlfriend to kick you in the face and shut you out of her orifices forever.

But anyway, I’ve thought about it a little more and had some talks with other porn stars, and I was kind right, but kind of wrong about how it happens on other porn sets. Some girls DO prep the way I describe, but some show up completely green. And often leave black & blue, so to speak.

So today I give you another inside look behind the porn industry and how you can tell whether a girl is really ready for the rough fucking she’s getting, or not.

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Edited: November 27th, 2013

Is Fantasy Better Than Reality?

I often encourage you to explore your fantasies… but some of them are left better in our minds than in reality.

Today I talk about a listener’s situation. He and his wife decided to try a cuckold fantasy, and he really enjoyed watching her get fucked by another guy. But she wants to keep going… and has had sex with her new ‘friend’ again… and simply put, her husband is not cool with it.

So where do they go from here? Whether this situation resonates with you, or there’s some other fantasy you want to try – you’ll learn exactly how to explore your desires without compromising your relationship!

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Edited: November 23rd, 2013

Are Lesbians Who Like Strapons Reeeeeally Straight?

Sexual orientation is different from sexual preferences and the acts we enjoy. That is, doing a particular act doesn’t “make” someone gay or straight, nor does being gay, straight or anything else really imply what it is you DO with your partner. Only the gender or sex of your partner.

Here’s an example…

How do you like strap-ons but not dicks? Have you ever thought about trying out the real thing?

    Her response:

The number of people who ask me, whether via social media or in person, whether I’ve “thought about” having straight sex floors me. Do you really think I’ve gone through life unaware of the possibility of heterosexuality? I’ve thought about it, and my thoughts on the matter can be summed up rather neatly as “ewww, gross”.

I am reminded of door to door church people who start with “have you heard the good news” as if there is a person in the United States who has just never heard about Christianity.

I’ve always known I wasn’t into dudes. The whole hetero life plan is pretty present, even for little kids…fall in love and marry a boy, have kids, etc. I knew I wasn’t into it, but it was only when I was a bit older that I realized I was gay, and not just destined to die alone and be eaten by my numerous cats.

    My two cents:

Enjoying the feeling of penetration has nothing to do WHO you want doing the penetrating.

That’s like telling a totally straight guy who enjoys pegging (getting fucked with a strap on) with his girlfriend that he should go try dudes.

Or telling a gay guy who likes anal sex (as the “top,” putting his dick in the butthole) that he should try chicks because they have assholes too. Or a pussy. I mean a hole is a hole, is it not?

Yet ironically, there are some straight women AND gay men who don’t care for penetration. What we call sexual orientation refers to who we are sexually attracted to, but what we enjoy DOING with those partners is a distinct preference.

Edited: November 16th, 2013

Is It Safe to Lick My Girlfriend’s Ass?

Question via Tumblr: You’ve more than likely answered questions about this before, but any advice for practicing safe analingus? Me and my girlfriend are very concerned about me getting sick from licking her butt. After some reading I did earlier I’m worried about getting her sick from like moving from her ass to vagina (I read that can lead to a nasty infection). I really want to eat out her butthole but it really doesn’t seem like it’s worth the risk!

Dirtiness is people’s primary fear about the butt.  Everyone has their own limits for the area.  Some will only lick the area after a shower – but on the flip side, I get emails from guys who want to lick a girl’s ass right after she goes #2 (termed “human toilet paper”).  

It is absolutely possible to have safe butt play and stay healthy.  If you’re really wary of it, she could do an enema to clean out her insides, then take a shower to clean the surface before you lick.  But unless that’s what you both need to be comfortable, its really not necessary.  I’ve had my ass licked more times than I could count in the last 5.5 years with my husband, and with him I never do any preparation.  He’s never gotten sick from that.  And I’ve never gotten sick from ass to mouth (sucking his dick after its been in my butt).  As a courtesy, I clean my butt before doing it on film with another girl – I don’t really care, but she often does.  

While poop is definitely not sanitary, its not going to kill you either.  We come into contact with fecal matter all the time – studies find its all over hotel rooms and not uncommon on cash and credit cards.  That’s why I try to be careful & avoid touching anything the public uses (like the credit card swipe machine, gas pumps, etc.).  There are even people with a “human toilet” fetish, who either pay dominatrixes or have really open minded wives & girlfriends who go to the bathroom in their mouth.  Some even eat it and live to tell.  I research fetishes online a lot, and have come across several forums where guys and dominatrixes discuss this practice.  I don’t know enough to conclude that’s safe – but clearly the trace amount you may find on her won’t cause any major issues.

The major risk of going from ass to pussy is for penetration.  You don’t want to bring bacteria from inside the ass to inside the vagina, because it can cause a yeast infection or urinary tract infection.  That’s not the end of the world either though, if you ever do, she should pee (to clear out the urinary tract) and douche w/1 cup water + 1 tbsp hydrogen peroxide after (and 1-2 days after to be safe, to clear out the vagina).  As far as licking, even if your tongue were going as far up her ass as possible, and as far up her pussy as possible – you’re not going to pick up THAT much bacteria that its a problem.  If you’re only licking the surface of each (no tongue penetration), that’s even less likely.  Terry always goes back and forth between licking my pussy and ass, and neither of us have had issues directly from that.  I’m pretty sensitive to yeast infections, so if it caused a problem I definitely would know.  Of course every body is different, so if she ever comes down with an infection after – just adjust to be more squeaky clean in the future.

So, happy licking!  

Edited: November 13th, 2013

Why I Love Making Porn

When I was a kid, I knew when I grew up I wanted to do something I loved. Something that felt natural and fulfilling, that made a difference in people’s lives. At various times I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, psychologist, music therapist, social worker, high school music teacher, researcher and college professor. I either grew out of those desires, or I got jobs along the path to those careers and felt something was missing.

I’m smart. I have degrees. I know I could do most anything I want in the world. But surprisingly sex work, in the way I’ve created my career, feels more natural than anything else I’ve tried. To me, it is fulfilling. Because I believe that it helps people on a deep, intimate, and even profound level. Yet in some ways, I feel fairly alone in this sentiment. I only hire girls who enjoy their work, yet for most of them it is still a temporary job (though overall, a fun one). I’m inspired by women like Nina Hartley, Tristan Taormino & Carol Queen – women who have directed (and some starred) in porn because they believe it has the power to change people’s sex lives for the better. But they’re not in my social circle (yet).

But here’s an excerpt from an amazing article written by a dominatrix who shares my love for sex work. If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to do my work – she’s articulated it to a T:

In any aspect of the adult industry… you, as a worker, are dealing with people’s feelings on a very, very intimate level. In fetish work, because of all the shame involved, the number of feelings and the level of intimacy is increased….

My work is usually about one part sexual, two parts emotional. I give a lot to my clients, and I love them all for the hour I’m in the room with them [For me, the 5-10 minutes I'm on camera for a clip]. It’s beautiful to see them overcome their fears and all the things they’ve been told about what sex and sexuality should be and let go completely. I love seeing the smiles on their faces [receiving their emails] when they leave refreshed after a session [after they've masturbated to a clip or 10], I feel like I’m making a genuine difference in the world.

My position as a healer and a therapist becomes more apparent and also dearer to me when I’m most depressed. It’s cheesy, but doing these weird little good deeds for others really does make me feel better.

Of course, my motives aren’t entirely altruistic, I’d never do this for free [well, I'd do some of what I do for free, but I lack the opportunity for some of it without porn], but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m doing good things for people and it’s incredibly fulfilling. I’m not sure why it’s so very difficult for people to understand this. A lot of civilians tend to write off what I do as just sex, with a dismissive, “Wow, you must be a nymphomaniac or something” and then when I explain that I don’t sleep with my clients unless I’m doing it in the most literal sense, they become confused. “You aren’t actually into all that weird stuff, are you?” No, I’m not into all of it, but I’m definitely into helping people accept and explore the weird stuff they’re into.

Sex work may not be a substitute for therapy, but for me it is certainly very therapeutic. It confuses me when I’m told that my soul is being slowly crushed when I’m encouraging others to blossom, because as I nourish them by fulfilling fantasies that, in many cases, they’ve been taught to believe were wrong, bad, or disgusting, I’m nourishing myself. I see, in a very real way, that there is good in the world and that I’m capable of creating that good.

Edited: November 8th, 2013

Are Men and Women REALLY Different in Bed?

We both want pleasure. We both want orgasms. But what gets us there is – for most men & women – not exactly the same.

Understand how we see things a bit differently, and how you can create an awesome sexual experience you both enjoy. If you’ve been listening to my ‘how to get your girl to be dirty’ podcasts lately, this one is key to help release her wild side.

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Edited: November 5th, 2013

Fetishes Galore: Ballbusting, Latex, Feet & Body Inflation

Do you get turned on by getting kicked in the balls, latex gloves, feet, fantasizing about a woman’s breasts or ass growing to a massive size? What is so sexy about these fetishes?

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Edited: November 2nd, 2013

Does Penis Size REALLY Matter?

Question via Tumblr:
I read on Twitter that you dont care about penis size. I am kinda dont believe you. Even lesbians care I mean when they are with a man. You gotta care at least 10%. If you had an extremely small penis that when erect barely went in you wouldnt care you would make him wear a strap on or anything (Be advised that adding an add on means you dont like the size) You would be ok with that?

As a generalization, what men are looking for in sex is content. Specific body parts, ideally of specific sizes, specific acts and/or fetishes.

What many women tend to want in sex is context. Which may include the setting and feelings toward the person in general as well as at that particular moment. We enjoy the acts, and do have preferences – but the act in itself isn’t what we want. If I was craving anal sex, I could post a craigslist ad and have 5 guys over in the next hour. But the thought of a random penis in my butt is a turn off. Not my kind of context.

What I want in sex is to feel chemistry, to feel appreciated for who I am as a person, to have my body worshipped and adored, to feel free to explore my desires with a partner who is confident enough in themselves to experiment with both our fantasies together. That is the context. The content may include ‘typical’ sex acts like oral, vaginal or anal sex, as well as toys, roleplaying, fetishes, etc. The content is part of the picture, but the situation is just as – if not more – important.

Of course the content could include penetration with objects of varying size. I have toys that are both smaller and larger than my partner’s average sized dick, and he could care less. In fact, he loves when I can put something really big (bigger than his dick) in my ass. It has nothing to do with his size, its just a different sensation to me, and a different view to him. I’d only have sex with someone who is secure enough in who he is and what he brings to the table to allow me to explore my body and his.

Nobody questions why a guy might enjoy a woman with bigger (or smaller) breasts than his partners’ – certainly it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with hers. Variety is the spice of life.

Edited: November 1st, 2013