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Letting Go of Sexual Shame

… or at least starting to anyway.

Its a process. You won’t just wake up one day and feel fantastic about something you’ve felt shitty about most or all of your life. Sorry. I wish that were true. Oh have I wished that were true…

But after wishful thinking failed me again and again, it was time to try something different.

Here’s something I’ve told myself many times over the last few years, completely changing the path of my life, going from rigidly normal to crazy exhibitionist sex worker:

The only way out is to go deeper in.

My path has been wrought with anxiety and second-guessing, packaged nicely with a bow in the wrapping paper of shame. The very feeling I sought to overcome became more and more prominent, harder and harder to avoid. On some level, I knew it would happen that way.

But I still didn’t like it. Trust me, if there were any other way, I’d have found it by now. Intuitively, I understood that the pleasure, connection & intimacy I wanted out of love & sex lie on the other side. That to feel what I REALLY wanted – I had to pass through all that junk I didn’t. Because it was avoiding all that yucky stuff that was really keeping me from those warm fuzzy feelings I craved.

Or rather, crave. Its still current. An ongoing process. Every time I confront my shame, feel it, explore it, allow it to be – a teeny bit more pleasure creeps in. I’ve let go of a lot the last few years, but there’s still more.

Yet I’ve seen enough progress to know that this is the way it works, and to trust the process, painful as it can be:

The only way out is to go deeper in.

Because what lies on the other side of pain is joy. On the other side lies fairies and unicorns and glitter and kittens and hugs and kisses and tingles and erections and pussy juice and orgasms and fantasies fulfilled and shit so awesome you’ll just flip yourself right over:

Listen to find out what exactly I do, and how you can start letting go yourself…

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Edited: December 31st, 2013

Sex and Shame

Have you ever felt bad about…

- Your sexual fantasies?
- Sexual things you’ve done?
- Your sexual fetish?
- People you’ve had sex with?
- How many people you’ve fucked? (Or haven’t.)
- Experiences you WISH hadn’t happened?

Yuck

Welcome to the club! Pretty much everyone is a member, or has been at one point or another.

Meeeee included.

I think most people’s reaction to shame is to try and run away from it. To do their best to avoid things that provoke that icky feeling. But if you’ve ever tried that (as I have) – it doesn’t work. Those feelings always come out.

So if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Today I’m sharing what I’ve learned dealing with my own sexual shame over the last few years, and why feeling that shame is necessary if you want to enjoy your sex life a lot more. It might sting a bit at first, but the pleasure is well worth the pain.

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Edited: December 25th, 2013

Is Porn Degrading to Women?

Q&A via Jacky St. James: Hi jacky! As a woman do u think pornography objectifies, degrades and disrespects women like some feminists?

Any woman who is of legal age is fully capable of deciding what career path she wants to pursue. Society often wants to coddle and protect women, as if we aren’t equipped with the intellect or emotional capacity to make our own decisions. Whereas, few people ever ask the question, “Does porn objectify men?

When society places restrictions on what is normal and acceptable within a sexual relationship or an adult film or even a fantasy…an assumption is made that all humans are programmed to think and get off on the same type of material. So, to watch a pornographic film in which a woman is forcefully fucked in multiple orifices, one might conclude that this is somehow degrading or a form of objectification to that woman- without considering the fact that some women do enjoy that kind of sex (the person judging however, might not). Some women seek out that kind of sex on their own and consent to that kind of sex without any kind of coercion or manipulation. Yes, it might be surprising, but it’s absolutely true.

At the end of the day, it always comes down to the individual and an individual’s perception of what they are seeing or experiencing. One might look at Bonnie Rotten in The Gangbang of Bonnie Rotten and say, “wow, she’s being objectified,” and she might say in response, “fuck no. i’m being liberated.” Who is ultimately right?

Edited: December 22nd, 2013

Why I Love Body Worship

Making dirty fetish porn has opened my eyes (& vagina) to something that REALLY turns me on…

Body worship. i.e., the experience of someone “worshipping” (sexually appreciating) my various parts & body as a whole. Toes, feet, legs, ass, pussy, stomach, armpits, neck, mouth – and everywhere in-between.

That's Maia Davis Licking My Pit

That's Maia Davis Licking My Pit

You might notice that a lot of my fetish videos center on this theme. And if not my body explicitly, then its functions.

Why? Listen & I’ll share…

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Edited: December 20th, 2013

Behind Desire: Lessons on Peeing From Tera Patrick

I’ve been reading books by porn stars & other sex workers lately. I recently finished Tera Patrick’s book.

And I loved how she & her (now ex) husband described their voyage into kinkiness – primarily, watersports. (Which my computer keeps wanting to auto-correct to waterspouts. Stop censoring my dirty side!) AKA peeing on people.

Courtesy AirHugger.Wordpress.Com

Courtesy AirHugger.Wordpress.Com

Maybe you like pee, maybe its grosses you out, or perhaps the jury is still out (or took a trip to the bathroom instead). For the purposes of this podcast, it doesn’t matter. Nor did it really matter to Tera & her dude, because as they describe, peeing isn’t necessarily about the pee. Its about how it feels to be dominant and submissive. Which really, is what a lot of our fantasies are about.

So let’s dive a bit deeper, shall we?

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Edited: December 18th, 2013

How to Talk About Your Fantasies

I recently made a custom video for a fan who had a very… let’s say ‘different’ sort of fantasy. One I was happy to oblige, but didn’t really understand the turn-on.

So… I asked him, why do you think this turns you on so much?

And his explanation was so great I asked if I could share it with you. Why? If you want to talk about your fantasies with your partner, and perhaps don’t know where to begin, let this be an example. You may not find his fantasy sexy, but the way he talked about it really helped me to make it cum true. Just like you’d like your partner to do for you!

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Edited: December 16th, 2013

How Do I Get Her Into My Foot Fetish?

Question via Tumblr:
So I started seeing this girl that I’ve known for a long time and she is very open about things. Anal and even letting me watch her use the bathroom. 1 and 2. She is totally fine with almost everything but I have a huge foot fetish and that is the one thing she doesn’t want to do. Any suggestions?

My first reaction is that I find it hard to believe someone would be okay with you watching them go to the bathroom, but not okay with feet. Foot fetish is pretty mild and most people have heard of it… though I do know some like my best friend, who thinks feet are super disgusting. So I suppose its possible…

Anyway, you need to have open communication with her about it in a non-sexual context. I like to take walks with Terry when we’re talking about sensitive issues. There are two issues at hand here – her feeling on feet and yours. Communication = the process of sharing and understanding one another’s feelings.

How do feet make her feel? Does that feeling remind her of something else in her life she doesn’t like, like a bad memory from childhood or a douchey ex-boyfriend? Is there some kind of moral or psychological judgment she’s making on foot fetish?

And then your feelings… Why do feet turn you on? What’s so sexy about feet? What are your earliest memories of appreciating women’s feet? How does it make you feel?

Keyword for both: feel. We’re talking emotion here, which is the basis for 99% of our behaviors. Human beings are not nearly as logical as they think.

This may happen in one conversation, or it may take many to be on the same page – whether about your fetish or about anything that’s important in your relationship. When she understands your desires, and feels that you care about her and understand her emotions – that’s when she’ll be more likely to try. There’s no guarantees of course, and she still may be turned off by it. At which point you have to ask yourself how important this one piece is if she’s so awesome with everything else.

Terry & I both have fantasies we don’t fully ‘do’ with one another. You don’t need to be a perfect sexual match to have a happy relationship, just enough overlap you can thoroughly enjoy one another. But if there’s something that’s central to your sexuality and you can’t live without it, it could be that she’s not the one.

And of course, make sure you’re giving her the same consideration in making her fantasies come true as you are yours. Putting in an effort to please her will go a long way and give her an example to follow – if you’re going outside your comfort zone for her, it makes it okay for her to do the same.

Edited: December 10th, 2013

How Can I Get My Girlfriend to Watch Porn?

Via Jacky St. James:

I am so glad you asked this question.

I think you need to first acknowledge the fact that everybody has their own sexual turn-ons and turn-offs and just because your girlfriend doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy it. It also doesn’t mean that she WILL enjoy it.

My first question for you is why is it important that your girlfriend watch porn? Is this an experience you want to share with her? Do you want her to learn some techniques? Would it turn you on watching your girl watch a pornographic film? It’s important that you know the answer to that question (there is obviously no right or wrong answer).

Secondly, you need to understand why she doesn’t want to watch porn. Has she seen porn before and hated it? Does she have preconceived notions about porn? Does she find porn to be dirty, degrading, violent, etc.? If she has any of these concerns, you need to understand where she is coming from and why she has come to these conclusions. By understanding HER feelings about porn will help you communicate your need to have her watch it.

I have found that most women’s opinions about adult films being degrading or negative towards women, are basing those opinions on assumption and not factual information. She might be surprised to know just how many empowered women work in the adult industry (both in front of and behind the camera).

*You can always send her my way and I could provide recommendations of films for her. I love helping open people’s eyes to adult films!

Edited: December 7th, 2013