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Faking It Is Lying And My Pants Are On Fire

I always thought faking orgasms was stupid. Why would I want to train my partner to have bad habits? I’ve never done it in real life. And I’ve only done it on camera 3 or 4 times at the beginning of my website before I decided that was stupid and unnecessary too. If I say I’m cumming, I am. If I don’t, I’m not.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t ever faked anything. I think most women have. Probably most men too. But usually in other ways…





A couple weeks ago – Terry caught me. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until he asked. Over the next few days, I kept noticing other things I’ve been faking. Faking being another term for LYING. God damn. I’m a fucking liar. Not intentionally. Not explicitly. But every time I pretend to feel a way I don’t – that’s a lie. Don’t voice my opinion in a situation where it truly matters – lie. I lie by omission to make other people happy. Or to not anger them. To avoid rocking the boat.


Not all the time, of course. Probably more than some people. Definitely less than others. But more than I’d like. Because I realized what lying does – it creates a wall. Its hard to feel close to someone when you’re not being truthful. Snuggle up all you want, you can’t break an invisible barrier.




So are you (unintentionally) wearing an emotional condom?


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Edited: February 28th, 2014

All About Butts!

Today I’m talking buttsex – answering listener questions about:

- Deep anal penetration
- Opening up the ass
- And when she should get her orgasm

And check out my free anal sex guide to learn exactly how I do it here!

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Edited: February 26th, 2014

Sometimes Sex Gets Messy

When I have really good sex, it often feels very raw, animalistic, messy. A mix of sweat, saliva, vaginal fluids and semen at the least. Sometimes squirting, which despite what all the ‘experts’ say, sometimes contains a trace amount of urine (which I figured out when I was taking vitamins that turned my pee bright yellow… and my squirt puddles turned a pale yellow from their usual clear). If we’re doing anal, occasionally shit happens. The wonders of the physical body on display to my lover.

Despite the efforts we make to de-grossify ourselves with perfumes, body sprays, deodorants, and mouthwash, to name a few, underneath we’ve all still inhabit these living breathing entities that don’t give a shit how clean or dirty they are. My body could care less when I last showered (which if you know anything about me, isn’t usually that often…).

So that’s why I loved this blog post about vomit.

I first heard of erotic vomiting in this chapter by Lauren Berlant and Michael Warner. Not an act I ever associated pleasure with, I was fascinated to read about a live force-feeding erotic vomiting performance they attended. I read this about 7 years ago, before I knew anything of the fetishistic worlds that exist both online and off.

No, this isn’t a story about how I developed a puke fetish. But more about how I’ve come to accept it as a part of the messiness that is sex. And even like it… almost.

Here’s something I wrote in response to a fan question about whether I’ve ever done or will do scat (poop) videos:

I generally have a ‘try anything once’ attitude, and while I think the idea of someone being turned on my ALL aspects of my body is hot, fantasy is different than (messy & smelly) reality. I’ve come into contact with shit doing anal without enemas because I hate how they make my stomach feel. I don’t care if there’s a little, and neither does Terry, but I experience it more as an acceptable hazard of the act than something I want to do on purpose. Which is why I do POV toilet slavery videos for my site, but its solely roleplaying, not actually showing anything.

I have a similar feeling on vomit. If you’re into deepthroating, you’re going to deal with vomit at some time or another. I’m a small person with a small mouth, so when Terry’s dick is all the way in I can sometimes get pretty close to throwing up. When its in the morning and I have nothing in my stomach, I actually like the feeling of dry-heaving with his dick in my mouth. I feel completely out of control and enjoy that. But I’ve actually puked on him a couple times, and in my own mouth even more – and my response is more ick than yay. Just like with shit, its a risk I’m willing to take but don’t try to make it happen.

I appreciate having a partner who isn’t offended by whatever my body does, because I don’t think you can have good sex and fear body functions. Sometimes they just come with the territory.

And here’s what fetish model Rain DeGrey has to say:

I DON’T have a puke fetish. Puke is nasty & messy & you have to stop everything to clean it up.

I have a CONTROL fetish. The concept of controlling someone so utterly that you literally control their bodily functions makes me hot. The thought of so completely owning the back of someone’s throat that you can make them vomit, whether they want to or no….well that works for me on so many levels it isn’t even funny. Forcing someone to vomit is like making them squirt from their throat. In my book.

Her desire to make someone vomit and the pleasure I get from dry-heaving is one in the same. We’d probably make great sex partners. She could dom the shit out of me. Or the puke. Whatever.

Edited: February 24th, 2014

The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

Reminds me of comedian Rob Delaney, who has a hilarious special on Netflix where he proudly declares that even after years together, “I still want to have sex with my wife!” To which he adds the caveat, “I also want to have sex with you, and you, and you…”

Edited: February 23rd, 2014

My Sexual Secrets: How I Discovered I Have “Sexual Anorexia”

When I said I was nervous about posting something the other day, this podcast is what I was referring to.

My work may often require nudity, but being honest feels even more naked.

Because secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone. Yeah. ME. And probably most people I’ve been in a relationship with. Sorry guys. & gals. It wasn’t you. It really WAS me.

Am I being vague enough?

I guess I should come out and say it, so at least you’ll know what the topic of this podcast is really about. I’ve recently discovered what was REALLY behind my motivation to research sexuality and work in the porn industry to explore this corner of the universe.

Sexual anorexia. Apparently, its a thing. You’ve heard of sex addiction – this is the flip side. The anorexic to the overeater. Denial, avoidance and overcontrol vs. out of control indulgence.

I’ve been reading this book and discussing it in therapy. It 100% describes my very confusing and painful sexual history. And while I’ve made a lot of progress since I even started this blog in 2011, sex can still be very difficult at times. What astounds me most is that I’ve been working in the field of sexuality in one form or another for almost 10 years now. And I’ve only just heard of this.

I thought I was crazy. I’ve never heard of anyone having the same sexual issues as me. If I read one more sex advice article for women that says to stimulate the clitoris during sex or buy a vibrator or communicate with my partner, I might punch someone in the face. Um. I’ve tried that. Thanks.

Though may put on an act of confidence, beneath it all I’ve still felt there was something wrong with me. Which seemed logical since 90% of what various “sex experts” have suggested hasn’t worked on me. If everyone else seems so happy, the problem must be me, right? Why after all this effort, is sex sometimes REALLY difficult for me? Why, when I want it most, does my body shut off and barely respond? Why is asking for what I want sometimes so terrifying its easier for me to pour myself into work that isn’t even necessary, just to avoid dealing with it?

Why have I felt like the cursed skeleton-pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, unable to enjoy my physical body?

“…the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust…” – Captain Barbossa

Only mine has not been a curse of greed. More a curse of denial, that I did all to myself.

So this is my story. Hope listening to it helps you in some way. If you’d like to share any part of your own sexual struggles, feel free to email me here. I promise I’ll respond.

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Edited: February 21st, 2014

Do Fantasies Help or Hurt?

I generally say its great for people to enjoy their fantasies so long as nobody gets hurt. Generally that’s pretty obvious. If anyone ends up in the hospital, its probably a no-go. But psychological hurt is harder to define. Especially when its our OWN psychologies. Can we hurt ourselves through our fantasies?

Sometimes.

Sometimes fantasies are just ways we play out the same old patterns that have caused us pain and disappointment throughout our entire lives. Kind of like a guy who’s been divorced 5 times. If it didn’t work in marriage 1-4, why would #5 be any different? Sure people change, but without making a conscious effort, chances are the problem was never really the wife. The problem is the guy picking the same woman over and over. His picker is off. Because in some way, that woman is familiar, comforting, and attractive to him. But seeking a new one won’t fix why he keeps choosing someone who’s not right for him.

When is indulging in our fantasies helpful, and when it it harmful? How can fantasies fuel personal growth, or how can they cripple us? Where’s the line?

That’s something only you can know. And sometimes you’ll bang your head against the wall 263 times before you realize – the wall fucking hurts! And you’ll pull your head away to notice that fluffy pillow on the couch is a much softer place to rest your noggin…

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Edited: February 20th, 2014

Sometimes Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder…

Sometimes its not easy to be so open about my sexuality. Sometimes its not easy to be dealing with my sexuality at all. Even in private.

Sometimes I get really nervous about things I want to say here, in writing or in the podcast. I’m afraid of being so vulnerable – so publicly – and afraid of being judged.

Sometimes I get emails from readers, listeners & fans of my adult work who comment on my confidence and ballsyness. Underneath that is fear. Yet I believe what I do is important, is necessary, is something I really really want to be doing. And much more you’ve yet to see.

Sometimes it takes a little while to find the courage. That’s where I’ve been. I mean, I’ve been busy shooting videos for our websites and working on other tasks. But how long does it really take to make a few posts of content I’ve already created? Not long. Its the emotional hurdle that’s far bigger than the work of writing a blog or recording a podcast.

Some things I’m not ready to say yet. Others you’ll see on this blog soon.

In the meantime, I’ve already posted this video previously but its so on point I had to share it again. Vulnerability. That’s what makes really good sex. And a really happy relationship. And if you’re anything like me, it can be a huge challenge. But also one that’s really worth undertaking…

Edited: February 19th, 2014

Is It Okay to Have Taboo Fantasies?

Today talking about a reader’s question about his taboo fantasies…

Is it normal to fantasize about younger girls? I would never actualy do any thing with someone under eighteen but I sometimes fantasize about being with a teen and I was wondering if this was normal.

It may not be socially acceptable, but its definitely not abnormal…

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Edited: February 7th, 2014