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Why Do Guys Share Their Fantasies Online?

Question via Tumblr: Why do you think that many guys write out their fantasies and post them online? I don`t understand the logic or motivation behind it.

I’m curious about in what setting you’re talking about – where are you seeing guys post their fantasies?

But wherever it is, I think most people have a deep desire to share the sexual part of themselves. A lot of people (regardless of gender) are too scared to be that real with their partners if they have one. Or they’ve tried unsuccessfully and don’t want to face judgment or rejection again. So the internet provides an anonymous outlet and in certain places like fetish forums – others who understand and validate their fantasies.

I think its great when people find a place to express themselves. I also think its much more satisfying when we can do it in person, with a real human being who cares about our wants and needs. But that’s not an option for everyone (or perhaps not yet) so the internet fulfills that in part.

Edited: March 31st, 2014

So You Want to Have A FFM (2 Chicks & A Dude) Threesome?

If you’ve ever fantasized about a threesome, realize that orchestrating a successful one takes a LOT of skill. And honestly, a vast majority of those interested don’t got the skills. (At least, not yet. Maybe with practice. Maybe.)

Alpha Harlot has had a TON of threesomes with straight couples. Most of them unsuccessful. Here’s why…

I get asked to fuck couples all the time. I don’t do threesomes anymore because I hate them. There’s always an odd man out and jealousy and nonsense that I honestly do not have the time to deal with. Even the hot tub orgy that I had last year for my birthday turned out rotten afterwards because of lack of communication before, during and after…even though I stressed to all parties involved that it was necessary.

Online dating is all about conversation skills. Much like bar dating, or supermarket dating or any other kind of dating.

Everything depends on the approach, what comes out of your mouth (or onto the keyboard, as the case may be) and then the follow through.

Women are looking for very different experiences than men are as well…so when you approach a woman, regardless of the context, you’ve got to treat her like she’s a human being that you’re interested in, not just an extra vagina for sexual activities.

Take our conversation for example…

You approached me with the subject line, “Meeting up with a couple”.

Before I even clicked on the message and responded (and I respond to every message that I get on Xtube, because that’s my bag and has been for the last 5 years. Everyone deserves a response IMO), I knew that I wasn’t interested in meeting you because you approached me with all your cards on the table.
I’m XYZ, I want to bang…I’ve got a girl, she also wants to bang. We don’t much care what you look like, or who you are…we’ve just been Jonesing for a sexual adventure and you seem like the type of girl who would be fun in the sack.”

What you want is another woman in your bedroom.

What I want (and most women, to tell you the truth) is conversation…because vagina is a hot commodity and dicks are a dime a dozen. If you want in my (or any other woman’s) pants, you’ve got to CONVINCE me that, not only are YOU worth my time and effort, but your woman is too. This is not accomplished by asking me to fuck you right from jump.

If you’re looking for a slab of meat, you’ll have better luck in the supermarket.

That year that I spent just doing threesomes? I wasn’t particular at all. I’d just responded to Craig’s list ads for couples that were looking and, every single one of them (but two actually, I got turned down by two after face to face encounters) was down to fuck.

If they weren’t my type, I did it anyway. If I wasn’t their type, they’d try to bang me anyway. Some of the time it was nearly comical because they were OBVIOUSLY not into fat chicks, but they wanted two naked girls in the same room so badly that they didn’t care.

Standards out the window…

“At least I got to do my FFM!!!”

It was an extremely silly situation.

MOST of the couples that I ended up fucking wouldn’t have given me the time of day if they had seen me out and about…but because I was a slutty, willing hole, they were into it.

They just wanted the notch on their bedpost. We had nothing at all in common, there was no chemistry…it was just fucking for the sake of fucking and I probably only came ten times in the 300 or threesomes that I had that year.

Not satisfying at all.

Edited: March 23rd, 2014

Don’t Join A Porn Site to Get Laid.

Here’s an actual email I got today:

Reason I wanted to be part of your site was that I wanted to act out a fantasy of mine of being a fart slave. Also wanted to role play out anal play with farting. I questioned you about doing this and you replied you only do that with your boyfriend. You did say you would recommend to another company [i.e., we hire guys for FartDom.net if they're local to So Cal] that does this work but since I am not local probably couldnt be arranged.

I wish I could get this arranged somewhere on east coast. Dropped membership because don’t feel you couldn’t help me out. Will say sight was pretty good just didn’t see how I couldn’t get fantasy set up and fulfilled.

My response:

Thanks for the email, sorry you didn’t get what you’re looking for but we just make porn. Arranging meet ups isn’t part of the membership for anyone who joins. Just like any other porn site. You can find some advice for finding compatible partners on KelseyEducation.com. Best of luck with your search.

Guys, if you ever contact a sex worker (porn star, cam girl, pro-domme, etc.) and she gives you attitude (some are REALLY bad about this, others are perfectly friendly) – its because we constantly deal with “fans”* who seem to feel entitled to receive more than what we offer. Sometimes its flabbergasting. And as much as I love my work, its one of the things about doing sex work that gets really old. I haven’t met a sex worker who didn’t agree.

*I use the word fans in quotes because the truest fans – in my experience – are super nice, respectful, and really appreciative of the work I do. They’re usually pretty cool guys.

Edited: March 22nd, 2014

What IS sexually empowering?

Empowerment is a fuzzy term. I hate when articles reference dictionaries to orient their position, but I really had to look up the definition because the word is debated. What IS empowering? What ISN’T?

So according to Merriam-Webster, empowerment is:

1: to give official authority or legal power to
2: to enable definition 1
3: to promote the self-actualization or influence of

I think #3 is primarily what most people mean when they talk about empowerment. Notice it does not define what actions are empowering. In fact, to “promote… self-actualization” would imply that what IS empowering varies by individual (by each “self”). What leads me to self-actualization and what leads you to your own is probably different. Particularly if my journey includes things people often feel are inherently DISempowering, like sex work, engaging in fetishistic sex, and having multiple casual sex partners.

For some people, empowerment is getting a traditional education and landing a decent-paying job with opportunities for advancement. For others, empowerment is LEAVING that very same job to take care of one’s children, to start a business, or travel the world.

Who’s right? Is the job empowering? Or is quitting?

They’re BOTH right.

So what is sexually empowering? You tell me. Leaving behind a “normal” life and joining the porn industry has been “empowering” for me. Its taught me an awful lot about myself, about men and women, about communication, about my body, about my desires, about my boundaries. (Not to mention how to run a business and be self-reliant.) For others, like Jennie Karchner, quitting the porn industry to pursue a Master’s degree is empowering.

What pisses me off is when people turn this vague concept of empowerment into a hard definition – that certain behaviors must inherently be empowering, and others must not be. Which seems hypocritical and exactly the reason empowerment is a concept to begin with. Nobody can tell you what the right thing is to do with your life, nobody can tell me what’s right for mine. (And maybe the right thing is sometimes to do the wrong thing, because sometimes we learn big lessons about life that way.) So to draw lines around empowerment negates the whole definition.

And why does it fucking matter anyway? The amount of energy we expend judging others’ actions says more about our own problems than it does theirs.

Edited: March 19th, 2014

What do (Ex)Mormons and Porn Stars Have in Common?

And what do you have in common with both of us?

In today’s podcast I discuss about the book Secret Ceremonies: A Mormon Woman’s Intimate Diary of Marriage and Beyond by Deborah Laake.

I was surprised that I could relate so deeply to her struggles, her journey from married religious Mormon to single excommunicated journalist. From doing EVERYTHING she was SUPPOSED to do, to living life on her own terms. Well when I put it that way, it makes perfect sense.

I think anyone who really wants to explore their sexuality could relate in some way – we don’t get a lot of education or support for delving too deeply into that part of our selves and our relationships. If you want ANYTHING that’s out of the norm (and one could argue that having a fulfilling relationship IS out of the norm considering how many people get divorced, and how many who don’t are miserable…) – you’re going to have to learn the difference between YOUR voice and the voices of other people you carry around in your head. That’s not easy.

But the end result (so I’ve seen so far anyway) is a lot more fun. Some things are worth the struggle. Perhaps reading about Deborah’s experience can help you in some way, like it has me.

Plus, its pretty interesting shit.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: March 17th, 2014

Better Butt Licking

Question via Tumblr: Do u have any advice on how I can improve my ass licking on my girlfriend? I love her ass and worship it everyday. Face sitting is the best. Her ass tastes so good but I want to know if their r some techniques I could use to get her have more pleasure? It’s all about her.

Ask her. Everyone’s different. Some people like more liking on the outside, some more deeper inside. Let her masturbate while you do it if she likes. Have her watch her favorite porn while you do it, if she enjoys that. Or read aloud dirty stories. It really depends on her – ask her what makes her feel good and be creative with ways of combining with your pleasures.

Edited: March 14th, 2014

We Don’t Ask for Our Desires…

… so we may as well get friendly with them.

Even if they’re weird, humiliating, or violent (so long as nobody REALLY gets hurt).

Here’s what self-defined feminist, Emily, has to say about her fantasies (many of which overlap my own interests):

I consider myself to err on the side of sexual submission. I have never been into the performative aspects of it all — I am not some weird sex LARPer who wants to wear costumes and address each other as “Master” and “Slave.” I don’t want to go to special events, I shouldn’t have to wear pleather just to get it done, and I don’t want to “play.” I want to have weird sex with weird people who like weird things, like an adult.

Some of those weird things that I like include: rough breast play including slapping, clothespins and ropes; name-calling of the slut-bitch-whore variety; forced deepthroating; facials; “Daddy” talk; rape play; spanking; dirty talk; hair-pulling; group sex; anal; and basically anything else filthy/nasty/taboo/found in your average pornographic video. Also, and here’s the stuff that’s more for special occasions and that I don’t want to admit on a site for ladies: being slapped, being spit on, being choked, being urinated on.

I don’t begrudge anyone their role as captain of their own sexual steamship. Desire is complicated and tricky to regulate — I don’t think I could stop being turned on by being treated “badly” any easier than a gay man could suddenly start being attracted to women. I might prefer that my big controversial sex preferences involved whipped cream or whatever instead of wanting to be slapped in the face during intercourse, but that is not the hand I was dealt.

We all, male and female, live in a world where a wider range of sexual activity is visible and accessible to us. As long as we keep consent, respect and common courtesy top of mind, that fact in itself doesn’t have to hurt anybody.

Sometimes I hear women say that by engaging in “politically incorrect” sex, we are sending a message to men that all women want to be treated in such a manner. But consensual sexual activity, even if it resembles some nonconsual sexual activity, isn’t rape any more than movie murder is real murder. And while some people certainly think we should eliminate movie violence lest it drive the easily influenced to commit violent acts, we’re not talking about movies here. We’re talking about people. And you can’t eliminate people or ask them to eliminate parts of themselves, no matter how messy or unappealing their desires may seem to you.

Since we can’t erase reality, we better start dealing in nuance.

Getting slapped and called a slut because it turns me on and I’ve asked for it is not abuse. The men who want to do that are not abusers; in fact a lot of them are some of the nicest and most respectful men I’ve met outside of the bedroom. Rape play and rape are never going to be the same thing. And pretending that the two are similar is actually way more confusing and dangerous than clearly differentiating them.

If our men truly can’t tell the difference between hurting, abusing and degrading a woman, and participating in consensual play utilizing some of these elements, then the problem lies with them and sexual education in our society, not with those temptingly rape-able women who enjoy rough play.

If you are still confused, consider this: After we’re done, when I’m spent from being used, being told I’m a filthy whore as you hold me down or toss me around or hit me if those are the boundaries we’ve agreed upon, when I’m covered in saliva and sweat and bodily fluids, look at my face. I will be smiling.

That’s the difference.

Edited: March 12th, 2014

Help! My Girlfriend Wants to Do Porn and I’m Jealous

Question via Tumblr: how can i deal with jealousy ? my girlfriend wants to do porn

The best way to address jealousy is to identify what exactly your fears are and talk about them. Before Terry & I filmed his anal scenes where he fucked other girls in the ass, we talked about it. A lot. I was fully behind the idea but still had some feelings of jealousy to address.

Jealousy is mostly insecurity that your partner will want someone more than they want you. Which IS always a risk if you’re opening up your relationship in some way. It goes away the more you learn to trust your partner and value yourself. The way I look at it, he might have fun with other chicks now and then, but is casual sex really going to trump the love & connection we share? No way. Is some chick going to have a better butt to fuck than me? He’s very happy with what he has at home, so even if he has the time of his life in the moment, at the end of the day its always just us.

But that also doesn’t mean you need to be okay with a more open relationship. Its definitely not for everyone. In my opinion, if your girlfriend is interested in doing porn or any kind of sex work, that’s bringing additional people into your sex life. Its something you both need to enjoy, otherwise the relationship won’t last very long. If she’s unwilling to talk about your feelings or doesn’t care – there’s something far more wrong with the relationship than her wanting to do porn. In which case, porn WILL break you up. But if you don’t address what’s going on more deeply, you’ll probably break up regardless.

Edited: March 6th, 2014

Sometimes The Best Sex is No Sex

For all the talk about sex on this blog, its important to say – its not everything. Sometimes we have other priorities, or desires. Or lack of desire. Not wanting sex doesn’t automatically mean the relationship is broken or doomed. Human beings are not consistent like machines. And neither is your sex drive. Sometimes you or your partner may just need a break.

Just like this couple…

I’ll be married 12 years this June. We met in our naïve 20s. My husband, all goofy granola charm, hung over my cubicle my first day at my first job. I remember he was wearing Birkenstocks with socks; he swears he never wore sandals to the office. He invited me over to watch a basketball game and get to know our co-workers. When I arrived, my East Coast sensibilities primed for an evening salon of conversation and schmoozing, I discovered I was the only one there.

Those first months were hot, and not just because we were living in the unforgiving heat of California’s desert. Every night and weekend was free, for dinners out, dancing, roaming the sidewalks aimlessly, sipping cheap margaritas, making out on public benches, falling into bed, slick with sweat.

Even as we sailed forth, like moths drawn inexplicably toward an ancient, hypnotic flame — wedding, mortgage, procreation — we never grew bored with each other. Sure, we bickered over why he absolutely wouldn’t be allowed to keep that ugly bachelor armchair with the fraying fabric, and we power-struggled over the usual flashpoints — money, outside family commitments, careers. But we always returned to the comfort of each other’s embrace, and the pleasure that sex delivered.

And then came our first baby. She rocked us, and not in the I-scored-tickets-to-that-freaking-killer-band-on-Friday-night way. Pregnancy was a shock to my system — the ballooning of my body from size 8 to size whale; the constant paranoia that something, probably something I would stupidly do, would mess it all up and harm our innocent child.

Here’s the confession the social scientists, shrinks and unburdened, childless observers of the zeitgeist are waiting for: We didn’t have sex for a year.

You read that right. A year. That is not an easy thing to admit, when our culture so tightly links sexual vibrancy and exploits with youth, happiness and worth. There is no room, especially for women, to talk honestly about the ebb and flow of sex; no room for seasons of frantic lust separated by windows of quiet and pause. If you don’t have sex for a year — a year! — your marriage must be failing. Both wife and husband must be deeply unhappy, the union not long for this world. Might as well dial up the divorce lawyers or sex therapists right now. If you don’t have sex for a year, the woman must be a certain kind of evil, frigid monster and the guy must be one foot out the door.

Except we were not unhappy. My pregnancy was rough. Post-pregnancy was rougher… trouble healing physically (because, um, not all of us are Michelle Duggar) and a demise of the state formerly known as sleep. To say nothing of the mental and emotional bruising, inflicted not only by a new, baby-dictated schedule but from the very morphing of our former identities and relationship into something new and nearly unrecognizable.

Yet we still had the things that had started it all: Our yin-yang connection, our shared values, our memories of freedom-fueled fun and years of physical intimacy. And our new level of trust: We had done something that lashed us together more tightly than any expression or experience of sexual desire ever would. We had created life out of our love for each other.

Nothing is like that trust that grows when you watch the person you love blossom with new life. When you see the man you picked out when he was a free-wheeling 28-year-old with one pair of shoes and a recipe repertoire that consisted of a single dish (pineapple-broccoli burritos) mature into a steely-strong partner you can, and will, lean on.

It’s one thing to trust a guy enough to let him buy you a cheap margarita. It’s another thing to trust a person so deeply that when you are finally having great, relieving sex again with the rare condom (in a half-assed and ultimately failed attempt to stave off the next child) and the condom slips off and gets terrifyingly lost up there, you let him own the situation. And he rescues you, extracting that errant latex with the calm reassurance of a cattle farmer extracting his 200th calf.

That’s the bad-assedness of married sex, folks.

Edited: March 4th, 2014

When Fetish Crosses the Line

Comment via Tumblr: I saw the saddest fetish video the other day. This woman used her heels to step on and kill a rabbit and she kept smashing it until it was a pile of mush. I’m normally understanding of fetishes but this made me really sad and angry. I don’t understand how anyone could enjoy watching animals get tortured and how anyone could do that. (I didn’t actually watch the video, I just moused over it and saw the different preview thumbnails.)

People enjoy theft, rape and murder too.

I wholeheartedly believe that there is no wrong desire. A person can be aroused by anything and everything. You’re free to imagine whatever you like in your head. But there is a gap between desire and action. If pursuing your desire causes physical, mental or emotional harm to others or their property – you are violating others, subjecting them to YOUR wants and needs above their own. Its like the basic idea of freedom – you do what you want, I do what I want, but when what you do infringes on my freedom to do what I want to do – that’s not freedom anymore.

Now ‘harm’ is somewhat of a grey area. Some things look harmful from the outside, like certain BDSM practices. Extreme pain, CBT, choking, gagging to the point of vomiting – it depends on the individual whether these are harmful to begin with, though there is a point of no return that anyone has to be careful about. Mental and emotional harm is also quite subjective. For instance, I’ve enacted a completely consensual rape fantasy with Terry once, which I found both physically and emotionally enjoyable. But to someone else, the same situation could trigger deep emotional pain they weren’t ready to deal with. Sometimes we don’t know how far is too far until we cross it.

But crushing live animals (even bugs, in my opinion) definitely crosses that line. If someone is turned on by scenarios like this, it doesn’t make them a bad person. But if simply thinking about it, reading erotic stories, watching cartoon versions or some other benign way of expressing that desire are not enough – then its time for professional help.

Edited: March 2nd, 2014