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Sometimes Conservative Christians Have a Point

I don’t agree with everything this woman says, but the judgment of her choices and beliefs is sadly common. This blog is fascinating because it demonstrates that no ideology can speak for everyone, especially not one that is said to speak for 50% of the population. Its ironic that while many people who consider themselves to be feminist have done some amazing things throughout history for women (and men) (and continue to do so) yet others use the term almost as a slur – how ABC people are NOT feminists because they believe or do XYZ (such as ‘sex workers can’t be feminists because they sell their bodies to men and contribute to the patriarchy’) – and that’s a problem. For them. Because they’re soooo unenlightened. The same way people who call themselves ‘liberal’ and listen to NPR often snub their nose at ‘conservatives’ who watch Fox News – not as if they simply reflect a difference of opinion, but as if the NPR-listener is inherently better, smarter, more advanced, more “progressive” (a term that has its origins in the eugenics movement & isn’t as historically awesome as people make it out to be).

Also I personally think we’re moving into a 4th wave of feminism… but more on that another time.

Originally posted on Tumblr.

Edited: August 13th, 2014

Pleasure Doesn’t Always Look Pretty

I believe that’s KarmenKarma. Sure this looks violent and degrading and misogynistic. And it also looks fun (& if you follow her on Twitter, you’ll see she thinks so too). I enjoy having my breathing constricted. Pleasure doesn’t always look pretty. I’d say don’t judge a book by its cover, but realistically our brains are wired to take shortcuts like that, with so much information around us to be processed. So instead of not judging, being aware of one’s judgment of book covers opens up a space to ask – well is my judgment really legit? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. And even if it is for you, someone else may think its the best book ever written. As my dad would say, that’s why there are 64 crayons in every box (I don’t even know HOW many more there are today!).

Originally posted on Tumblr!

Edited: August 12th, 2014

I Gotted What I Wanted

2 nights ago I wrote about desiring to be seen.

Last night I was.  

This is the odd way (some) things seem to happen lately.  I feel a desire.  I let it be. And shortly thereafter it happens to find its way into my life, without my explicitly trying.  It doesn’t happen all the time or for all of my wants.  It seems to happen the most when I’m calm and relaxed, when I allow myself to deeply feel my craving without judging or getting upset that I don’t have it.  When I accept that its not here but believe on some level that at some point it will be here.  

Writing this, it sounds a lot like what people call the law of attraction.  Whether that’s legit or not, all I know is my experience.  Which is…

We were on the DrSuzy.tv show last night.  Well I was (via Skype), and Terry came in the room at some point and joined me.  Even though I was with them virtually, I still had to get naked.  Well I didn’t HAVE to, its just a tradition that most people who come on the show get undressed to some degree.  I took my top off when we did “shots” that involved Terry licking salt off my boob (and I reciprocated, hah… though the shots were with water because we don’t drink much).  And then Dr. Suzy asked us to give a demonstration of some of my fetish work… which would have been smart if I had him lick my armpits and stuff since the aim of going on these shows is to promote my website, but at the time I wanted him to slap me and be rough with me so I went with that.  He slapped and choked and spanked me, just for a couple minutes, as I screamed and laughed both at the sensation and at hearing Dr. Suzy’s commentary on our actions in the background.  A good time was had by all.

After the show ended, we hung out on the couch talking.  We were both aroused from what we had just done, and he said he wanted to do my butt.  I said cool, though I had also been thinking about something else…  Which was something we’ve been into lately that we keep totally private so I won’t go into details.  I get nervous about this thing sometimes, but we both like it so I’ve been getting more comfortable bringing it up.  & I said hows about we do both.  

So we did the thing and it made my pussy so wet it completely soaked through my hot pink booty shorts, that is, until they came off.  I was VERY aroused, though sensation was kind of dampened, as happens sometimes when I’m nervous, but I still enjoyed myself.  A LOT.

And then we did the butt sex.  And I used my vibrator.  Which was awesome.  He slapped me and spanked me and spit on me, all the (not so) nice things I like.  At one point he accidentally hit me in the eye and I started crying for real out of shock, and he immediately stopped to ask what was wrong and hug me with his dick still in my butthole.  Real life sex has its lovely awkwardness that you don’t see in porn and romantic movies.  As soon as I was okay, we kept going til he cummed all up in my mouth.  As per usual.  Which was nice.

And after that Terry asked if I wanted him to finger me, which I’ve been into a lot lately.  This is a thing I get nervous to ask for even though I know he’ll say yes, so in the moment it made me happy that he offered.   I may not have asked otherwise because sometimes the anxiety of asking is so high that it disconnects me from my desire, so even if he says yes and does it, my body is no longer into it (this is the ‘sexual anorexia’ impeding what I want).  So I appreciated him offering because it saved me the internal struggle.

I was already super turned on from everything else we’d been doing, plus him asking if I wanted his fingers.  He fingered me while I rubbed my clit with my fingers and my vibrator.  And I got REALLY into it.  To the point where I was squirming and making weird noises and was so into the sensations in my body I forgot about anything else.  I was totally present and in the moment.  And even more, he wasn’t really doing that much to me.  I was the one fucking him, sliding my pussy up and down his fingers, angling my hips in different ways to feel him touch different parts of my insides.  It was 85% me.  That rarely happens.  And I’d like more of it.

In the midst of all this, was my desire I wrote about the other day: to be seen in my own eroticism, in my sexuality, as me, just me.  I was so enveloped in the pleasure my eyes were closed, but occasionally I would open them.  And every time I did, the first thing I saw were his eyes.  Completely focused on me.  Intensely watching me.  Taking me in.  As if me and my pussy were the only things that mattered in the world in that very moment.  

I was seen.

Despite all my fears, here is what did not happen:  I did not die.  I was not embarrassed.  I was not ashamed.  I was not overwhelmed.  I did not feel judged.  I did not cry.  I did not hide.  I did not stop.

Here is what did happen:  I felt alive.  I felt beautiful.  I felt that I mattered.  I felt connected.  I got turned on even more.  I kept going.  And when I wanted his fingers to do something different, I told him.  And he did it.  And I enjoyed it.  I REALLY FUCKING ENJOYED IT.  

It was so simple and yet I lack the words for just how profound it felt to me in the moment, and even still thinking about it now.  I hadn’t even told Terry yet my thoughts about that lap dance class, though I’d planned on it and have since.  Its not as if he completely knew what I wanted and gave it to me.  Nor could he really – I mean he could look at me, but I would have to allow myself to be seen to experience my desire.  I spent much of my childhood feeling invisible, trying hard not to be seen.  It takes far more than a flip of a switch for me to fully relax and open up.  My point being, I could never have MADE this happen.  In fact, any efforts in TRYING to be open only seem to shut it all down, to push my desires further away.

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

It just happened organically.  

It was not the first time something like this has occurred, either.

It makes me wonder if perhaps life is much more simple then we make it out to be.  

Edited: August 11th, 2014

Learning to Give a Lap Dance

My pole fitness studio had a lap dance striptease class last night. I had $20 and no plans from 7:30-9 so I figured why not?

Its really more than that though (as it often is with me). This may seem silly, but I have always wanted to give a guy a lap dance, and the thought both arouses and scares me. I mean that makes sense for a regular woman. Most the women in class were nervous. But one might think because I am a sex worker and I make videos showing off my body it would be no big deal – so what’s the difference?

For starters, its ME who wants to give the lap dance. Terry would enjoy it but if I never ever did it during our lifetime together, he probably would die just as happy. I find it far far far easier to initiate something that we both want or that’s more for him, than something that’s mostly about me. That’s the one of the primary anxieties I experience as a “sexual anorexic.”

Porn has been surprisingly easy in this sense. Almost everything on my site has come from other people’s suggestions. If its something I’m comfortable trying, I do it. If people like it, I make more. A few years of doing this helped me discover certain fetishes I personally enjoy – mostly centered around body worship (feet, armpits, butt, mouth). Though I play the domme in some of my videos, I’m really much more submissive. Taking others ideas and enacting them is more an expression of my submissive side, even if I’m acting dominant. And I love my porn experience for that. Its given me various spaces to play and explore.

But I’ve come up against something that porn can’t help me with (and hopefully therapy can) – which is owning the desires I have, that are purely mine. It feels raw. It feels vulnerable. It feels exposed. It feels more naked than my nude body being all over the internet.

Which brings me to reason #2 for my anxiety – is that giving a lap dance highlights my body, my sensuality, and my sexuality. It is on display. In the open. To be seen – and only seen. Not touched, not acting, not roleplaying, simply being seen in my eroticism. In my desire to move my body in ways that feel sensual and feminine, in my desire to turn him on because I want him aroused. And because I want me aroused. Maybe that’s the scariest thing of all.

The sensuality of a lap dance is more than doing a set of moves, which we practiced tonight amidst much laughter and joking. Its my inner sex goddess, as my more new agey friends would say, that I yearn to connect with.

I came home and Terry was asleep on the couch. I don’t think I’m giving any lap dances tonight. And that’s okay because I’m not ready yet. But I had a good time and I’m glad I went!

Edited: August 9th, 2014