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I Wanna Share My Fetishes!!!

Question via Tumblr: hey i just meet a girl and i relly what to tell here about my fetishes like my diaper fetish how can i tell her

Well congrats on meeting someone :) That’s always very fun and exciting.

Its great you want to share your fetishes with her. Unless you met her in a BDSM or fetish type of setting, I think fetish discussion will usually happen slowly and is really going to depend on your girl. Not everyone is comfortable with fetishes – sometimes they’re just not into them, but often they just don’t understand them, and sadly we often judge a book by its cover. Whether she’s open or not depends on her own sexual tastes and how comfortable she is exploring. Chances are she doesn’t have a diaper fetish and she may have never heard of it. So I’d suggest feeling out how kinky she is and maybe share some ‘lighter’ fetishes (everyone’s heard of a foot fetish, for instance, and its not usually seen as that ‘creepy’) before going to the more socially ‘out there’ ones.

Realize a few important things here -

1 – She will have her own reaction to each new sexual/fetishistic thing you introduce.

2 – Her reaction may or may not line up with your desires. Her initial reaction may stick, or she may change her feelings if she’s open to learning more. A range of possible reactions may include:
- She just so happens to secretly share your fetish, or something similar, and is super excited to have found you!
- She’s totally fascinated and wants to try.
- She’s interested to learn more.
- She’s okay with you liking it but is unsure about participating.
- She’s okay with you liking it but doesn’t want to participate.
- She’s unsure about it.
- She doesn’t like it but is open to learning more.
- She doesn’t like it but is content to ignore it and never talk about it again.
- She doesn’t like it and becomes judgmental.
- She doesn’t like it and never wants to talk to you again.

3 – Whether or not she is cool with your fetishes is in no way an evaluation of your worth as a romantic/sexual partner or more broadly, as a human being. Regardless of how compatible you are in other ways, you two simply may or may not be sexually compatible.

4 – Depending on her reaction, you may or may not want to continue seeing her. All relationships require compromise, so if she isn’t interested in some way that’s centrally important to you (i.e. you want her to participate but she does not want to), its up to you to decide whether you can happily live with something less (maybe you just do it on your own without her). In time she may change her mind, or she may not – and that’s her freedom to do so.

Its up to you to decide what’s necessary and what’s optional in your relationships. At the same time, I’ve seen people with fetishes be so adamant that their partner fulfill their fetish in a specific way that it actually pushes away potential partners who might be open in some way. Its a balance between being true to yourself and your needs, and being flexible enough to let another person with their own wants, needs and desires into your world. Its really no different from any other element of relationships (religion/spirituality, how money is handled, cooking and meals, the importance of family, etc.).

As far as how to specifically tell her – I’ve done a lot of podcasts & blogs on communication so I’d suggest you check out some of these:

How to Talk About Sex
How to Talk About Your Fantasies
How Do I Get Her Into My Foot Fetish?
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 1
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 2

Good luck!

Edited: November 6th, 2014

Is It Too Late To Let Go of My Shyness?

Question via Tumblr: Hello, My name is Dave. I’m 50 years old l’m and still a virgin. I’ve been overweight since puberty and underwent extreme mental and emotional abuse all through school because of it. In short, I was treated like crap. People I went to school with were very arrogant. I was raised by an anti social, over protective mother. I suffered extreme shyness until really only the last few years. I was never able to have any kind of life and now I think I’m too old to try to start one now. Am I past help.

Hi Dave, nice to “meet” you. Thanks for being patience in waiting for a response, I wanted to make sure I could give it the attention you deserve. It sounds like you’ve experienced some tough shit in your life, and it will probably take you some time to sort through it and grow past it. Childhood stuff is tough because we’re still forming our ideas about who we are, and if we see negativity reflected back to us, we assume that we’re somehow defective ourselves – as opposed to seeing others behavior or your environment as fucked up. What you experienced as a young child was particularly formative, because I’ve read that until the age of 7 or so, kids are ego-centric, meaning they think everything that happens in their life is in some way because of them. As adults we can understand others motivations and actions but as kids we think everything was our fault. And if those things never get resolved in us, we’ll continue to go through life as if its shit because we don’t deserve any better.

The fact that you wrote to me shows that you know its not too late to change your life. You’re only too old if you believe you are. I think a lot of people your age would say they are, even though they still have half their lives left!

You might be surprised to know, I’ve struggled with shyness and social anxiety most my life. As a child, I can’t remember NOT feeling that way. At age 4, my parents took me to a psychiatrist because I wouldn’t talk to anyone except my family & a couple close friends. He diagnosed me with ‘selective mutism,’ which meant I would only talk to select people, though (of course) I wouldn’t talk to him either so he couldn’t really help beyond that. Kids in school would make fun of me and ask me if I knew how to talk, which was humiliating, and funny enough my attitude-ridden ‘YES!’ were some of the few words they ever heard from me. My mom (who is also pretty shy) read me this book called Its Okay to Be Shy to try and help, though the way I felt was absolutely was NOT okay. It was horribly painful and made dread school and every day social situations. Of course, I couldn’t tell anyone that because I was so shy, so I remained in my shell. Anytime I had to talk to someone, my mind would run rampant with how stupid I am, how there must be something wrong with me. I would be so frozen I literally had nothing to say most of the time.

Coming out of that has taken time, patience, numerous therapists, books, writing, personal development seminars, spiritual exploration, and honestly, experiences on illicit substances that shifted my perspective on myself and the world (I’d say this was one of the most important things, all the other work grew from and supported these experiences). I still have difficulty communicating, I still get frustrated, anxious and frozen – but in time I’ve created new patterns of behavior and learned to deal with my emotions enough that comfort zone has gotten much bigger. Most people I meet would never guess I used to be so shy.

Change isn’t linear, in my experience it happens in steps. You’ll make some progress, then plateau. And when that happens, you’ll probably go all “poor me, my life sucks, I’m a loser [or whatever your personal insult of choice is], nothing will ever change.” But take enough steps and eventually you’ll come to accept the plateaus as important as the progress. Its when you take stock, see how things have changed, and whatever needs to be dealt with next will come up.

If you’re a reader, I’d suggest the book Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach. It comes from a Buddhist perspective, but you don’t need to be into Buddhism to appreciate it. Its written in plain English and is very easy to digest. I’m reading it right now.

Otherwise, a therapist would be most people’s first stop. Try one. Or two. Or three. Try a few out and see whether you click with them. There are so many different approaches to therapy and some will work better for you than others, and depending on what issues are most pertinent at the moment.

Basically you’re embarking on a journey to explore yourself, learn that you’re an awesome person, and how to share your awesomeness with others (and appreciate others’ awesomeness in your life). The more you can approach it as a game, an exploration, the chance to learn something new and fun and interesting about yourself and life more broadly – the better the trip will be and the more likely you’ll learn to live life on your own terms.

I hope this helps :)

Edited: November 4th, 2014

Fetish Problems: My Girlfriend Farts On Me But it is Inconsistent or Rare…

Question via Tumblr: Hello Kelsey, I have a deep fart fetish involving being forced to inhale farts. It’s on top of my desires as I am a submissive male. My girlfriend farts on me but it is inconsistent or rare. Do you have any suggestions on how to help this? Thank you:)

Talk more to your girlfriend about both your wants and needs when it comes to sex. That’s literally the only way you two will ever be sexually happy.

But first, realize this -

The thing with farting – and many other body worship / body odor / body function fetishes – is that the person was (typically) originally programmed that the act is dirty, disgusting, rude, etc. We’ve largely been conditioned that our bodies are gross and to take as many steps to shield people around us from coming into contact with our own grossness. Think about it – by the time you are dressed and ready for work in the morning – you’ve coated yourself in the scent of your soap, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, cologne (if you wear it), deodorant, and the smell in your laundry detergent. You smell like a random array of artificial flowers and musk and mountain sunshine, not like a human being. For women, its about 10 times more, with our body sprays and scented lotions and scented tampons. The message we get from an early age is: the natural human body is nasty and should be avoided at all costs. Especially the female body (hello, periods).

I’ve noticed this when I direct our fart fetish videos in particular, that while the viewer is getting off on the smell of their farts, its important that the model feel comfortable doing something she was originally taught was gross. Its a transition that slowly happens from when a model first walks in often feeling anxious and worried about what the shoot will be like, whether she’s going to push too hard and have an accident, whether we’ll judge her, whether it’ll smell too bad, etc – to by the end of the day she’s walking around farting and giggling and talking about it like its no big deal.

So just because you’ve shared your fetish or fantasy doesn’t mean the person is going to be automatically comfortable with it. Your partner has their own feelings about it that have nothing to do with you, directly, that bleed over into their interactions with you. If they’re uncomfortable in some way it doesn’t mean its a hard no, but it means you both need to talk about how you feel. And from there, you can find solutions that work for you both. Just recognize for something taboo, kinky or just plain different from what your partner has previously experienced or desired – it may take some time for them to become comfortable.

If she’s willing to do it sometimes, it means she’s open, at least to some degree. I think you’ll be most effective if you initiate a conversation about what you love about what you DO do, and how you two can have the happiest sex life possible together. And part of that would involve more of your fetishes, but for all you know, she’s got her own ideas of what she’d like. Talking about how you BOTH can be happy and acknowledging what IS working will be much more effective than complaining about what she’s not doing.

Also check out this post and KelseyEducation.com under Fetishes and Communication – there’s a ton more practical advice. Good luck :)

Edited: November 2nd, 2014