I Gotted What I Wanted

2 nights ago I wrote about desiring to be seen.

Last night I was.  

This is the odd way (some) things seem to happen lately.  I feel a desire.  I let it be. And shortly thereafter it happens to find its way into my life, without my explicitly trying.  It doesn’t happen all the time or for all of my wants.  It seems to happen the most when I’m calm and relaxed, when I allow myself to deeply feel my craving without judging or getting upset that I don’t have it.  When I accept that its not here but believe on some level that at some point it will be here.  

Writing this, it sounds a lot like what people call the law of attraction.  Whether that’s legit or not, all I know is my experience.  Which is…

We were on the DrSuzy.tv show last night.  Well I was (via Skype), and Terry came in the room at some point and joined me.  Even though I was with them virtually, I still had to get naked.  Well I didn’t HAVE to, its just a tradition that most people who come on the show get undressed to some degree.  I took my top off when we did “shots” that involved Terry licking salt off my boob (and I reciprocated, hah… though the shots were with water because we don’t drink much).  And then Dr. Suzy asked us to give a demonstration of some of my fetish work… which would have been smart if I had him lick my armpits and stuff since the aim of going on these shows is to promote my website, but at the time I wanted him to slap me and be rough with me so I went with that.  He slapped and choked and spanked me, just for a couple minutes, as I screamed and laughed both at the sensation and at hearing Dr. Suzy’s commentary on our actions in the background.  A good time was had by all.

After the show ended, we hung out on the couch talking.  We were both aroused from what we had just done, and he said he wanted to do my butt.  I said cool, though I had also been thinking about something else…  Which was something we’ve been into lately that we keep totally private so I won’t go into details.  I get nervous about this thing sometimes, but we both like it so I’ve been getting more comfortable bringing it up.  & I said hows about we do both.  

So we did the thing and it made my pussy so wet it completely soaked through my hot pink booty shorts, that is, until they came off.  I was VERY aroused, though sensation was kind of dampened, as happens sometimes when I’m nervous, but I still enjoyed myself.  A LOT.

And then we did the butt sex.  And I used my vibrator.  Which was awesome.  He slapped me and spanked me and spit on me, all the (not so) nice things I like.  At one point he accidentally hit me in the eye and I started crying for real out of shock, and he immediately stopped to ask what was wrong and hug me with his dick still in my butthole.  Real life sex has its lovely awkwardness that you don’t see in porn and romantic movies.  As soon as I was okay, we kept going til he cummed all up in my mouth.  As per usual.  Which was nice.

And after that Terry asked if I wanted him to finger me, which I’ve been into a lot lately.  This is a thing I get nervous to ask for even though I know he’ll say yes, so in the moment it made me happy that he offered.   I may not have asked otherwise because sometimes the anxiety of asking is so high that it disconnects me from my desire, so even if he says yes and does it, my body is no longer into it (this is the ‘sexual anorexia’ impeding what I want).  So I appreciated him offering because it saved me the internal struggle.

I was already super turned on from everything else we’d been doing, plus him asking if I wanted his fingers.  He fingered me while I rubbed my clit with my fingers and my vibrator.  And I got REALLY into it.  To the point where I was squirming and making weird noises and was so into the sensations in my body I forgot about anything else.  I was totally present and in the moment.  And even more, he wasn’t really doing that much to me.  I was the one fucking him, sliding my pussy up and down his fingers, angling my hips in different ways to feel him touch different parts of my insides.  It was 85% me.  That rarely happens.  And I’d like more of it.

In the midst of all this, was my desire I wrote about the other day: to be seen in my own eroticism, in my sexuality, as me, just me.  I was so enveloped in the pleasure my eyes were closed, but occasionally I would open them.  And every time I did, the first thing I saw were his eyes.  Completely focused on me.  Intensely watching me.  Taking me in.  As if me and my pussy were the only things that mattered in the world in that very moment.  

I was seen.

Despite all my fears, here is what did not happen:  I did not die.  I was not embarrassed.  I was not ashamed.  I was not overwhelmed.  I did not feel judged.  I did not cry.  I did not hide.  I did not stop.

Here is what did happen:  I felt alive.  I felt beautiful.  I felt that I mattered.  I felt connected.  I got turned on even more.  I kept going.  And when I wanted his fingers to do something different, I told him.  And he did it.  And I enjoyed it.  I REALLY FUCKING ENJOYED IT.  

It was so simple and yet I lack the words for just how profound it felt to me in the moment, and even still thinking about it now.  I hadn’t even told Terry yet my thoughts about that lap dance class, though I’d planned on it and have since.  Its not as if he completely knew what I wanted and gave it to me.  Nor could he really – I mean he could look at me, but I would have to allow myself to be seen to experience my desire.  I spent much of my childhood feeling invisible, trying hard not to be seen.  It takes far more than a flip of a switch for me to fully relax and open up.  My point being, I could never have MADE this happen.  In fact, any efforts in TRYING to be open only seem to shut it all down, to push my desires further away.

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

The bible has a point, doesn't it?

It just happened organically.  

It was not the first time something like this has occurred, either.

It makes me wonder if perhaps life is much more simple then we make it out to be.  

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Posted: August 11th, 2014 under Desire.

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