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Pleasure Doesn’t Always Look Pretty

I believe that’s KarmenKarma. Sure this looks violent and degrading and misogynistic. And it also looks fun (& if you follow her on Twitter, you’ll see she thinks so too). I enjoy having my breathing constricted. Pleasure doesn’t always look pretty. I’d say don’t judge a book by its cover, but realistically our brains are wired to take shortcuts like that, with so much information around us to be processed. So instead of not judging, being aware of one’s judgment of book covers opens up a space to ask – well is my judgment really legit? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. And even if it is for you, someone else may think its the best book ever written. As my dad would say, that’s why there are 64 crayons in every box (I don’t even know HOW many more there are today!).

Originally posted on Tumblr!

Edited: August 12th, 2014

How Can a Vibrator Help With Better Blowjobs?

Many vibrators, especially the electric kind, are marketed as “massagers.”

Sure it feels good to “massage” the genitals, but don’t forget it can be used for other body parts too!

I get a sore jaw sometimes, especially when I wake up in the morning because I sometimes grind my teeth. I used to have a mouthguard until I realized it only made me grind my teeth even more, tensing up the jaw even further.

I love having sex when Terry and I wake up together and snuggle before getting out of bed. But morning oral can be hard on my mouth.

I recently discovered its a lot easier if I use my vibrator…not on my pussy, but on my jaw! Twice last week I used my vibrator on my whole body to relax myself before bed. I massaged my jaw muscles on each side and the tendons under my chin. I wasn’t trying to give a better blow job, but when we woke up and fucked in the morning there was no tension or tightness in my mouth! Made our playtime much more fun.

So if oral hurts your mouth, whether you’re going down on a guy or a girl, try bringing the vibrator up north!

Edited: March 21st, 2013

Getting Sexual Feedback: Is There Any Way I Can Suck Your Dick Better?

Is there any way I can suck your dick better?

 

Earlier this week I watched the latest episode of In the Bedroom With Dr. Laura. I have mixed feelings about Dr. Laura for her involvement with the pharmaceutical industry, promoting Viagra for women with ZERO medical support that it works (as documented in Orgasm Inc.), but its a fairly good show so I’ll still watch.

One of the issues this couple fought over (of many) was blowjobs. He always wanted it, she never gave it. The main issue was they fought all the time and both sunk real low, calling each other fat, ugly, loser, bad husband/wife/parent, etc. That’s a recipe for NO sex of any kind. But on the topic of blowjobs specifically, the wife said was she didn’t feel confident in her oral skills so she felt uncomfortable.

For part of their “homework,” Dr. Laura gave them a sex book and marked the section on oral sex. She had the couple read the chapter together the first night. They came back the next day and she said she felt better about her abilities. That night, Dr. Laura told them to have sex, including oral. They reported back on day 3 and while there was still “work” to do on their relationship, everyone was happy with the progress.

 

When I watch these shows, sometimes my own insecurities get triggered.  I’ve always been good at blow jobs, or I’ve been told. I have no technique (except to avoid my teeth). I just try different moves with my mouth and hand, and see how they respond. Then I do more of what they seem to enjoy. Its worked well since my first blowjob at 15.

I’ve made most guys cum easily from oral sex. But not Terry. I remember the first time it didn’t “work.” We hadn’t been together long. For some reason we weren’t going to have sex that day, so I thought I’d suck his dick instead. I felt like I was down there forever. Since he was always telling me how good I was at sex, I was confused. Finally he stopped me and said that it felt good but he wasn’t going to cum from just a blowjob. I took it a little personal, though I tried not to let it show. Years later I understand that he’s crazy about asses, so if something doesn’t involve an ass he might cum but he might not. At the time, I knew he was into anal but had no idea the depth of his ass fetish.

So it left me with a feeling of insecurity. Like – he says he’s not that into blow jobs but if I were REALLY that good at sex I could make him cum anyway. Lurking somewhere behind that, was a sense that if he really loved me, my mouth would somehow surpass every other mouth that’s been on it. I would win, so to speak, by making him easily cum in ways other girls hadn’t.

I’ve never said anything about it to him. And since, he’s cum many times from blowjobs, but – as I suggested to a reader with a similar issue – often when I stimulate him in some other way at the same time. Usually involving my ass. And I have no problem with this whatsoever.

 

About a month ago we were cleaning the house and he found a couple amateur DVDs he was on with his ex-girlfriend. I couldn’t wait to watch. I picked the blowjob DVD… for some reason, I love watching girls suck his cock. I was a little nervous, it being his ex, but they broke up over 6 years ago and I know he doesn’t have any feelings for her.

So we popped it in my computer. It was a cheesy amateur gonzo scene, filmed in the bathroom of their apartment. I can’t remember the set up, but within about 30 seconds she offered to give him a blowjob. And she did.

And I had to laugh to myself. The exact same thing that happens with me, happened with her. When he’s not 100% into it, he starts trying – which NEVER works well to have an orgasm. His dick gets a bit softer, not limp but not totally hard either. All this time, I’ve still taken it a bit personally when this has happened – even though I KNOW why it happens. It’d be like if he took it personal that I haven’t often cum from oral sex myself, which has nothing to do with his skill.

Nonetheless, it did make me feel a little better. That it wasn’t just me, its just how he responds (or doesn’t) to blow jobs. Granted, he got it together and came – finishing by ejaculating in her mouth, as a ‘typical’ porn scene. But in front of me I had visual PROOF that I don’t suck (in the bad way).

Tonight we cuddled on the couch and I decided to suck his cock. I was just intending to do it for a few minutes then go about my work, but he got into it so I kept going. My feelings about oral sex arose, and instead of starting to feel self conscious about my abilities, I shifted my focus – telling myself “make him feel good” over and over. That was the point, was it not? I started paying more attention to what he was enjoying, and he came relatively quickly for a blow job.

 

After I cuddled back up with him and asked:

Is there any way I can suck your dick better?

He said, “I don’t know, ask me while you’re doing it.”  I replied, “Okay, I’ll ask next time.  But in general, is there anything I could be doing differently?”  After a moment, he said, “Not that I can think of, you do really good.”

Years of insecurity, and I could have just asked. Instead of worrying that I must suck at sucking dick, all it took was reframing the situation in my mind:

So what if I DID suck? Its a SKILL. I could always LEARN.

 

Of course, it makes me feel good that I already do well. Everyone likes to be good at things, especially sex. How funny that my own insecurities potentially kept me from being a better lover to him. While not a major issue, letting myself wallow in low confidence certainly kept me from getting closer to him. It created a wall between us. It distracted me from pleasing him, which is the whole fucking point of giving a blow job.

 

How often do we let our fears that we’re unskilled at sex keep us from asking how we can improve?   From getting closer to our partners, to learning their likes and dislikes?  From BECOMING an amazing lover to the people we care about?

 

I’m going to start asking this question more: How can I [fill in the blank] better?

Edited: January 17th, 2013

Sex Advice: Why Won’t My Wife Give Me a Blowjob?

A man twittered me for sex advice, frustrated because he loves blowjobs but his wife doesn’t.

There are many reasons we don’t get what we want in sex, but this was a special case. His wife had a terrible experience with oral sex previously, where an ex-boyfriend forced her to give him blowjobs. It was no surprise she wasn’t interested in pleasing him orally.

His question is important for two reasons. First, many of us want things in our sex lives that our partner isn’t necessarily thrilled about. It doesn’t mean it won’t happen, but it takes a lot of clear communication to make it happen so everyone is happy. Below, I give him sex advice about how to approach his wife about the situation.

Second, because 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men experience sexual assault (in the US). Sexual assault is a seriously unfortunate reality, not only for survivors, but for their partners. Both partners still have sexual needs, but trauma takes a lot of time and understanding to heal. This book is a good starting point, but chances are she may need more help.

What’s a guy to do? Watch and learn:


Why Won't My Wife Give Me a Blowjob? — Kelsey… by kelseysextips

Edited: October 22nd, 2012