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Sexual Honesty – Are You Telling The Truth About Your Sexuality?

I’ve been reading this book called Radical Honesty by Dr. Brad Blanton.

I think most of us agree that honesty is important to a relationship. But actually BEING honest can be hard. Especially about sex.

Have you told your partner (or past partners);

  • Your complete sexual history?
  • What REALLY turns you on?
  • How exactly you masturbate?
  • Whether you’ve cheated on them? Been attracted to anyone else since you’ve been with them?

The list could really go on and on, and most of us would say no to at least one…

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Edited: April 13th, 2014

What do (Ex)Mormons and Porn Stars Have in Common?

And what do you have in common with both of us?

In today’s podcast I discuss about the book Secret Ceremonies: A Mormon Woman’s Intimate Diary of Marriage and Beyond by Deborah Laake.

I was surprised that I could relate so deeply to her struggles, her journey from married religious Mormon to single excommunicated journalist. From doing EVERYTHING she was SUPPOSED to do, to living life on her own terms. Well when I put it that way, it makes perfect sense.

I think anyone who really wants to explore their sexuality could relate in some way – we don’t get a lot of education or support for delving too deeply into that part of our selves and our relationships. If you want ANYTHING that’s out of the norm (and one could argue that having a fulfilling relationship IS out of the norm considering how many people get divorced, and how many who don’t are miserable…) – you’re going to have to learn the difference between YOUR voice and the voices of other people you carry around in your head. That’s not easy.

But the end result (so I’ve seen so far anyway) is a lot more fun. Some things are worth the struggle. Perhaps reading about Deborah’s experience can help you in some way, like it has me.

Plus, its pretty interesting shit.

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Edited: March 17th, 2014

The Feminist No-No: Rape Fantasies

I’ve had rape fantasies for years.

I have never been raped.
I have no desire to actually be raped.

But I do fantasize about someone (usually whoever I’m fucking at the moment, so now that would be Terry) completely taking control over me. In my fantasies, the arousal is intertwined with a what’s-gonna-happen next sense of uncertainty and a deep trust for the person that’s raping me. That they’re going to fuck me and I’m going to love it, and they won’t hurt me.

In My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies, Nancy Friday says:

You don’t have to be a psychiatrist to understand that for some women who never reach an orgasm, it may have to do with their fear of letting go, fear of the helplessness, the lack of control, that goes with orgasm… And for some women – especially highly independent, self-contained women… – the loss of control must be terrifying, the experience of orgasm impossible without, and synonymous with, the terror. (151)

I’ve had orgasms from masturbation since age 8 or 9, but only a few times from someone else stimulating me. So to have someone ‘take me,’ to force me to enjoy sex – ideally to orgasm – is very arousing.

And not uncommon.

Edited: January 9th, 2013

Exploring My Body Through Masturbation

Before the holidays, I started reading For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality. The author suggested that women who have trouble with arousal, orgasm, or who simply want to improve their sex life masturbate for an hour a day (only 4% of your day). I talked about it a bit on this podcast on masturbation – and my decision to start giving myself the time & space to learn to really enjoy my body. To learn to orgasm easily in ways other than how I’ve masturbated since childhood. To learn to FEEL PLEASURE. To learn to orgasm with Terry.

So I’ve been doing this for 3 days. Tonight I discovered a new sensation I enjoy. Normally when I use a dildo, I just like feeling something inside me. I don’t normally move it in and out, except to get myself more lubricated. But today after I had my first orgasm, I lay there and ever so slightly moved my dildo in and out of my pussy. It wasn’t in very deep – the ‘head’ was JUST in, close to my g spot. It may have been imperceptible to someone watching, but I felt it. A tightening sensation on the top of my pussy, inside. Not exactly my g spot, but nearby.

I had a second orgasm, keeping my dildo stationary at the peak. Feeling like I had to squirt, I quickly grabbed a pad to catch my juices and propped myself up on my elbow. I moved the dildo in and out of my pussy, with a little more depth and speed this time. Within about a minute I started gushing while it was still inside me. And when I pulled it out, clear liquid shot out, near soaking the pad completely.

I tasted the liquid – a very very slight urine taste, as my ejaculate often does. But I’d peed before masturbating so I knew it wasn’t urine, perhaps just a few drops got mixed in.

I love discovering new sensations my body enjoys.

Edited: January 7th, 2013

Self-Censorship: “the worst repression”

In Sex for One: The Joy of Selfloving, Betty Dodson writes:


As a creative person, I’d consistently struggled against social restrictions and censorship. However, the worst repression was the kind of censorship I’d been taught to apply to myself: “What will people think?”


We’re so concerned about what others (might) think that we stop ourselves from being real.  That fear is so pronounced in relation to sexuality, we even stop ourselves when we’re alone and nobody’s there to judge.  We judge ourselves.  Sociologists would say we create a “generalized other” in our minds.  That is, we act based on what we think others would think, even by ourselves.


That’s why masturbation is so important. Dodson’s first book was called Liberating Masturbation. When we’re truly loving and connecting with ourselves, despite social norms that tell us not to, masturbation is liberation.

Not that its a piece of cake to overcome self-repression.  But freedom is in the mind, whether its political freedom or sexual freedom — when we can simply be, that’s when we’re free.

Edited: October 26th, 2011