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I Wanna Share My Fetishes!!!

Question via Tumblr: hey i just meet a girl and i relly what to tell here about my fetishes like my diaper fetish how can i tell her

Well congrats on meeting someone :) That’s always very fun and exciting.

Its great you want to share your fetishes with her. Unless you met her in a BDSM or fetish type of setting, I think fetish discussion will usually happen slowly and is really going to depend on your girl. Not everyone is comfortable with fetishes – sometimes they’re just not into them, but often they just don’t understand them, and sadly we often judge a book by its cover. Whether she’s open or not depends on her own sexual tastes and how comfortable she is exploring. Chances are she doesn’t have a diaper fetish and she may have never heard of it. So I’d suggest feeling out how kinky she is and maybe share some ‘lighter’ fetishes (everyone’s heard of a foot fetish, for instance, and its not usually seen as that ‘creepy’) before going to the more socially ‘out there’ ones.

Realize a few important things here -

1 – She will have her own reaction to each new sexual/fetishistic thing you introduce.

2 – Her reaction may or may not line up with your desires. Her initial reaction may stick, or she may change her feelings if she’s open to learning more. A range of possible reactions may include:
- She just so happens to secretly share your fetish, or something similar, and is super excited to have found you!
- She’s totally fascinated and wants to try.
- She’s interested to learn more.
- She’s okay with you liking it but is unsure about participating.
- She’s okay with you liking it but doesn’t want to participate.
- She’s unsure about it.
- She doesn’t like it but is open to learning more.
- She doesn’t like it but is content to ignore it and never talk about it again.
- She doesn’t like it and becomes judgmental.
- She doesn’t like it and never wants to talk to you again.

3 – Whether or not she is cool with your fetishes is in no way an evaluation of your worth as a romantic/sexual partner or more broadly, as a human being. Regardless of how compatible you are in other ways, you two simply may or may not be sexually compatible.

4 – Depending on her reaction, you may or may not want to continue seeing her. All relationships require compromise, so if she isn’t interested in some way that’s centrally important to you (i.e. you want her to participate but she does not want to), its up to you to decide whether you can happily live with something less (maybe you just do it on your own without her). In time she may change her mind, or she may not – and that’s her freedom to do so.

Its up to you to decide what’s necessary and what’s optional in your relationships. At the same time, I’ve seen people with fetishes be so adamant that their partner fulfill their fetish in a specific way that it actually pushes away potential partners who might be open in some way. Its a balance between being true to yourself and your needs, and being flexible enough to let another person with their own wants, needs and desires into your world. Its really no different from any other element of relationships (religion/spirituality, how money is handled, cooking and meals, the importance of family, etc.).

As far as how to specifically tell her – I’ve done a lot of podcasts & blogs on communication so I’d suggest you check out some of these:

How to Talk About Sex
How to Talk About Your Fantasies
How Do I Get Her Into My Foot Fetish?
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 1
Dirty Sex: Secrets From a Porn Set, Part 2

Good luck!

Edited: November 6th, 2014

Fetish Problems: My Girlfriend Farts On Me But it is Inconsistent or Rare…

Question via Tumblr: Hello Kelsey, I have a deep fart fetish involving being forced to inhale farts. It’s on top of my desires as I am a submissive male. My girlfriend farts on me but it is inconsistent or rare. Do you have any suggestions on how to help this? Thank you:)

Talk more to your girlfriend about both your wants and needs when it comes to sex. That’s literally the only way you two will ever be sexually happy.

But first, realize this -

The thing with farting – and many other body worship / body odor / body function fetishes – is that the person was (typically) originally programmed that the act is dirty, disgusting, rude, etc. We’ve largely been conditioned that our bodies are gross and to take as many steps to shield people around us from coming into contact with our own grossness. Think about it – by the time you are dressed and ready for work in the morning – you’ve coated yourself in the scent of your soap, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, cologne (if you wear it), deodorant, and the smell in your laundry detergent. You smell like a random array of artificial flowers and musk and mountain sunshine, not like a human being. For women, its about 10 times more, with our body sprays and scented lotions and scented tampons. The message we get from an early age is: the natural human body is nasty and should be avoided at all costs. Especially the female body (hello, periods).

I’ve noticed this when I direct our fart fetish videos in particular, that while the viewer is getting off on the smell of their farts, its important that the model feel comfortable doing something she was originally taught was gross. Its a transition that slowly happens from when a model first walks in often feeling anxious and worried about what the shoot will be like, whether she’s going to push too hard and have an accident, whether we’ll judge her, whether it’ll smell too bad, etc – to by the end of the day she’s walking around farting and giggling and talking about it like its no big deal.

So just because you’ve shared your fetish or fantasy doesn’t mean the person is going to be automatically comfortable with it. Your partner has their own feelings about it that have nothing to do with you, directly, that bleed over into their interactions with you. If they’re uncomfortable in some way it doesn’t mean its a hard no, but it means you both need to talk about how you feel. And from there, you can find solutions that work for you both. Just recognize for something taboo, kinky or just plain different from what your partner has previously experienced or desired – it may take some time for them to become comfortable.

If she’s willing to do it sometimes, it means she’s open, at least to some degree. I think you’ll be most effective if you initiate a conversation about what you love about what you DO do, and how you two can have the happiest sex life possible together. And part of that would involve more of your fetishes, but for all you know, she’s got her own ideas of what she’d like. Talking about how you BOTH can be happy and acknowledging what IS working will be much more effective than complaining about what she’s not doing.

Also check out this post and KelseyEducation.com under Fetishes and Communication – there’s a ton more practical advice. Good luck :)

Edited: November 2nd, 2014

I Am Not a Fantasy

I sell fantasies for your viewing pleasure.

However I am not a fantasy. Much as I’d like to be one, hair all flowing, looking perfect, saying just the right thing… I’m oddly attracted to a fetish I’ve recently discovered called ‘bimboification,’ where girls are ‘transformed’ into being the perfect sex object. But this is, of course, a fantasy and funny enough nowhere near my radar when I started porn. Becoming a sex object was the last thing I ever intended. I was always more focused on my own personal experience and my desire to understand sexuality then trying to get the approval of horny penises around the world. (Though I’d be lying if I said they played no part in my performance. I like being watched.)

The funny thing about the fantasy I sell is that its mostly predicated on doing completely (socially) unattractive things like fart, burp, and sweat. I love doing things like this because to me, it humanizes my body, it shows I’m living and breathing and not airbrushed or plastic.

But porn is porn. Media is media. And where there’s an image on a screen, someone (probably a lot of someone’s) will long for the image to be real in their very own bedroom.

Its not and it never will be.

I don’t reply to most of my emails because I simply don’t have time, but I took a good hour to write out a response to a really super nice one yesterday. The man was so ‘envious’ (to use his word) of Terry and our relationship, wishing he could find someone like me.

I am always flattered to read emails like this. I also always want to laugh because they’re largely divorced from the reality that is my life. People think they know me because they see me all over the internet – doing something for less than 5 hours on camera each month, only 0.6% of my life. This sliver of my life, most of which wouldn’t even happen if we weren’t filming a commercial product, defines me in many people’s eyes. Its an interesting experience to be known for something so minor (time-wise), yet also so outrageous (content-wise).

I’m sharing my response here to shed light on the other 99.4% of the time I’m not doing bizarre things in front of a camera.

Thank you for your very kind email. Your words are very flattering and it makes me happy you’ve taken a liking to my work :)

As awesome as it is to get emails like this, I have to point out that while I may be your fantasy — the thing you’re desiring is exactly that, a fantasy. Terry didn’t meet the person you see online today. That person has evolved from a painfully shy socially awkward little girl (who I still feel like pretty often). In fact, the only reason you even know who I am is precisely because I had so much anxiety about sex, it was so painful for me, that I had to do SOMETHING about it. And that something ended up being porn, just so that I had a place where I could interact with other people in a sexual sense. So I could learn about what other people did, what turned them on, what different bodies looked like. And hopefully somewhere in there, begin to feel good about my own and share that part of myself with my partners. The extent to which I am comfortable with some elements of sex now (definitely not everything) is in direct proportion to how UNcomfortable I used to be.

I am often playing a balancing act between being authentic and being, for a lack of a better word, attractive. Please realize, I love what I do, but what I do is create a commercial product; its not a hidden camera in my bedroom. Selling that product entails presenting myself on the internet as attractive so that you want to watch my videos. On video everything happens perfectly and I’m wonderfully sexy and seductive and in a fantastic mood. So of course you want me! And that does happen sometimes in real life, its awesome when it does!

Terry and I, like many couples, seem to fit together perfectly at the same time as we can trigger one another perfectly. We don’t fight so much as I become emotionally overwhelmed and cry hysterically and he sits in silence. Neither of which facilitates open communication, especially about sex. In fact, we just spent last evening and several hours this morning communicating about how exactly we communicate, when it works why it works, and when it doesn’t why it doesn’t. Going back and forth – when you say X I feel Y, well when you feel Y you do Z and that makes me feel Q, etc, etc, etc. With this (super fucking difficult) conversation, like many others, we’ve helped open one another’s eyes to our behavior and how it affects each of us. If there’s anything special about our relationship, its only that we’re committed to working through shit and growing where we need to, even when its hard. And its the working through shit that brings us closer and makes sex (and everything else) better. I mean who gives a fuck if your sexual interests align if you can’t get your shit together to actually connect? That’s what I’m slowly but surely learning to do.

There can be times when I’m a complete emotional anxious mess – I just decided a long time ago never to put that out onto social media. Its embarrassing, unattractive, and obnoxious. At the same time I can’t sell a fantasy of myself – I can’t bring myself to act as if I’m the always horny porn star who gets off on everything the viewer happens to – I have to be real to some degree, so I try to write on my blog (KelseyEducation.com) as I learn how to handle my emotions, have fun with my work and deepen my relationship with Terry.

I hope this doesn’t kill your interest in my work completely, but I’d rather be honest than help perpetuate an unrealistic fantasy about myself.

And then I gave him some links to my podcast to help the guy out. I’m not an asshole (all the time). I’m just not a fantasy.

Edited: October 5th, 2014

Who’s Got Masturbation Shame?

I do I do!

Seriously, I’d think I woulda been over this shit by now. (I’ve written a bit about it before.)

But I’m notttttttt!

Or I wassssssn’t when I recorded this 6 weeks ago… (slow on the posting, to be sort of explained next podcast). The odd thing about shame is that talking about it kinda makes it go away some. So maybe listening to me talk about mine can help you give voice to yours…

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Edited: July 7th, 2014

Sexual Honesty – Are You Telling The Truth About Your Sexuality?

I’ve been reading this book called Radical Honesty by Dr. Brad Blanton.

I think most of us agree that honesty is important to a relationship. But actually BEING honest can be hard. Especially about sex.

Have you told your partner (or past partners);

  • Your complete sexual history?
  • What REALLY turns you on?
  • How exactly you masturbate?
  • Whether you’ve cheated on them? Been attracted to anyone else since you’ve been with them?

The list could really go on and on, and most of us would say no to at least one…

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Edited: April 13th, 2014

50 Shades of Spanking… Okay, Really Just 4

Some people get turned on by spanking.

A spank is a spank is a spank. Hand on cheek. Right?

WRONG! Do not pass go, do not collect $200… (As my dad would say.)

Well, maybe for some people a spank IS a spank. But for a lot of people, its not just hand-smacking-buttcheek that’s important. Its the context.

Where, when, why & how do you want the spanking? That answer is probably a bit different for everyone, but here are a few ideas I happened across via Tumblr:

Edited: April 3rd, 2014

Why Do Guys Share Their Fantasies Online?

Question via Tumblr: Why do you think that many guys write out their fantasies and post them online? I don`t understand the logic or motivation behind it.

I’m curious about in what setting you’re talking about – where are you seeing guys post their fantasies?

But wherever it is, I think most people have a deep desire to share the sexual part of themselves. A lot of people (regardless of gender) are too scared to be that real with their partners if they have one. Or they’ve tried unsuccessfully and don’t want to face judgment or rejection again. So the internet provides an anonymous outlet and in certain places like fetish forums – others who understand and validate their fantasies.

I think its great when people find a place to express themselves. I also think its much more satisfying when we can do it in person, with a real human being who cares about our wants and needs. But that’s not an option for everyone (or perhaps not yet) so the internet fulfills that in part.

Edited: March 31st, 2014

So You Want to Have A FFM (2 Chicks & A Dude) Threesome?

If you’ve ever fantasized about a threesome, realize that orchestrating a successful one takes a LOT of skill. And honestly, a vast majority of those interested don’t got the skills. (At least, not yet. Maybe with practice. Maybe.)

Alpha Harlot has had a TON of threesomes with straight couples. Most of them unsuccessful. Here’s why…

I get asked to fuck couples all the time. I don’t do threesomes anymore because I hate them. There’s always an odd man out and jealousy and nonsense that I honestly do not have the time to deal with. Even the hot tub orgy that I had last year for my birthday turned out rotten afterwards because of lack of communication before, during and after…even though I stressed to all parties involved that it was necessary.

Online dating is all about conversation skills. Much like bar dating, or supermarket dating or any other kind of dating.

Everything depends on the approach, what comes out of your mouth (or onto the keyboard, as the case may be) and then the follow through.

Women are looking for very different experiences than men are as well…so when you approach a woman, regardless of the context, you’ve got to treat her like she’s a human being that you’re interested in, not just an extra vagina for sexual activities.

Take our conversation for example…

You approached me with the subject line, “Meeting up with a couple”.

Before I even clicked on the message and responded (and I respond to every message that I get on Xtube, because that’s my bag and has been for the last 5 years. Everyone deserves a response IMO), I knew that I wasn’t interested in meeting you because you approached me with all your cards on the table.
I’m XYZ, I want to bang…I’ve got a girl, she also wants to bang. We don’t much care what you look like, or who you are…we’ve just been Jonesing for a sexual adventure and you seem like the type of girl who would be fun in the sack.”

What you want is another woman in your bedroom.

What I want (and most women, to tell you the truth) is conversation…because vagina is a hot commodity and dicks are a dime a dozen. If you want in my (or any other woman’s) pants, you’ve got to CONVINCE me that, not only are YOU worth my time and effort, but your woman is too. This is not accomplished by asking me to fuck you right from jump.

If you’re looking for a slab of meat, you’ll have better luck in the supermarket.

That year that I spent just doing threesomes? I wasn’t particular at all. I’d just responded to Craig’s list ads for couples that were looking and, every single one of them (but two actually, I got turned down by two after face to face encounters) was down to fuck.

If they weren’t my type, I did it anyway. If I wasn’t their type, they’d try to bang me anyway. Some of the time it was nearly comical because they were OBVIOUSLY not into fat chicks, but they wanted two naked girls in the same room so badly that they didn’t care.

Standards out the window…

“At least I got to do my FFM!!!”

It was an extremely silly situation.

MOST of the couples that I ended up fucking wouldn’t have given me the time of day if they had seen me out and about…but because I was a slutty, willing hole, they were into it.

They just wanted the notch on their bedpost. We had nothing at all in common, there was no chemistry…it was just fucking for the sake of fucking and I probably only came ten times in the 300 or threesomes that I had that year.

Not satisfying at all.

Edited: March 23rd, 2014

Better Butt Licking

Question via Tumblr: Do u have any advice on how I can improve my ass licking on my girlfriend? I love her ass and worship it everyday. Face sitting is the best. Her ass tastes so good but I want to know if their r some techniques I could use to get her have more pleasure? It’s all about her.

Ask her. Everyone’s different. Some people like more liking on the outside, some more deeper inside. Let her masturbate while you do it if she likes. Have her watch her favorite porn while you do it, if she enjoys that. Or read aloud dirty stories. It really depends on her – ask her what makes her feel good and be creative with ways of combining with your pleasures.

Edited: March 14th, 2014

Help! My Girlfriend Wants to Do Porn and I’m Jealous

Question via Tumblr: how can i deal with jealousy ? my girlfriend wants to do porn

The best way to address jealousy is to identify what exactly your fears are and talk about them. Before Terry & I filmed his anal scenes where he fucked other girls in the ass, we talked about it. A lot. I was fully behind the idea but still had some feelings of jealousy to address.

Jealousy is mostly insecurity that your partner will want someone more than they want you. Which IS always a risk if you’re opening up your relationship in some way. It goes away the more you learn to trust your partner and value yourself. The way I look at it, he might have fun with other chicks now and then, but is casual sex really going to trump the love & connection we share? No way. Is some chick going to have a better butt to fuck than me? He’s very happy with what he has at home, so even if he has the time of his life in the moment, at the end of the day its always just us.

But that also doesn’t mean you need to be okay with a more open relationship. Its definitely not for everyone. In my opinion, if your girlfriend is interested in doing porn or any kind of sex work, that’s bringing additional people into your sex life. Its something you both need to enjoy, otherwise the relationship won’t last very long. If she’s unwilling to talk about your feelings or doesn’t care – there’s something far more wrong with the relationship than her wanting to do porn. In which case, porn WILL break you up. But if you don’t address what’s going on more deeply, you’ll probably break up regardless.

Edited: March 6th, 2014

Faking It Is Lying And My Pants Are On Fire

I always thought faking orgasms was stupid. Why would I want to train my partner to have bad habits? I’ve never done it in real life. And I’ve only done it on camera 3 or 4 times at the beginning of my website before I decided that was stupid and unnecessary too. If I say I’m cumming, I am. If I don’t, I’m not.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t ever faked anything. I think most women have. Probably most men too. But usually in other ways…





A couple weeks ago – Terry caught me. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until he asked. Over the next few days, I kept noticing other things I’ve been faking. Faking being another term for LYING. God damn. I’m a fucking liar. Not intentionally. Not explicitly. But every time I pretend to feel a way I don’t – that’s a lie. Don’t voice my opinion in a situation where it truly matters – lie. I lie by omission to make other people happy. Or to not anger them. To avoid rocking the boat.


Not all the time, of course. Probably more than some people. Definitely less than others. But more than I’d like. Because I realized what lying does – it creates a wall. Its hard to feel close to someone when you’re not being truthful. Snuggle up all you want, you can’t break an invisible barrier.




So are you (unintentionally) wearing an emotional condom?


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Edited: February 28th, 2014

What Does a Fantasy Mean?

Sometimes two people look at the same fantasy in different ways…

One night we decided to play with my butt.

But(t) instead, things got awkward. We got part way into it, and stopped.

Later, we realized we were coming at the same act from two different places. He wanted to share a ‘dirty’ experience. I wanted to be submissive and ‘made’ to do it.

Sometimes we’re totally on the same page. Other times, it might look like we are – but we’re really not. The only way to know is to communicate, so hear more about my awkward night and what I learned about making sex good.

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Edited: January 29th, 2014

How to Talk About Your Fantasies

I recently made a custom video for a fan who had a very… let’s say ‘different’ sort of fantasy. One I was happy to oblige, but didn’t really understand the turn-on.

So… I asked him, why do you think this turns you on so much?

And his explanation was so great I asked if I could share it with you. Why? If you want to talk about your fantasies with your partner, and perhaps don’t know where to begin, let this be an example. You may not find his fantasy sexy, but the way he talked about it really helped me to make it cum true. Just like you’d like your partner to do for you!

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Edited: December 16th, 2013

How Do I Get Her Into My Foot Fetish?

Question via Tumblr:
So I started seeing this girl that I’ve known for a long time and she is very open about things. Anal and even letting me watch her use the bathroom. 1 and 2. She is totally fine with almost everything but I have a huge foot fetish and that is the one thing she doesn’t want to do. Any suggestions?

My first reaction is that I find it hard to believe someone would be okay with you watching them go to the bathroom, but not okay with feet. Foot fetish is pretty mild and most people have heard of it… though I do know some like my best friend, who thinks feet are super disgusting. So I suppose its possible…

Anyway, you need to have open communication with her about it in a non-sexual context. I like to take walks with Terry when we’re talking about sensitive issues. There are two issues at hand here – her feeling on feet and yours. Communication = the process of sharing and understanding one another’s feelings.

How do feet make her feel? Does that feeling remind her of something else in her life she doesn’t like, like a bad memory from childhood or a douchey ex-boyfriend? Is there some kind of moral or psychological judgment she’s making on foot fetish?

And then your feelings… Why do feet turn you on? What’s so sexy about feet? What are your earliest memories of appreciating women’s feet? How does it make you feel?

Keyword for both: feel. We’re talking emotion here, which is the basis for 99% of our behaviors. Human beings are not nearly as logical as they think.

This may happen in one conversation, or it may take many to be on the same page – whether about your fetish or about anything that’s important in your relationship. When she understands your desires, and feels that you care about her and understand her emotions – that’s when she’ll be more likely to try. There’s no guarantees of course, and she still may be turned off by it. At which point you have to ask yourself how important this one piece is if she’s so awesome with everything else.

Terry & I both have fantasies we don’t fully ‘do’ with one another. You don’t need to be a perfect sexual match to have a happy relationship, just enough overlap you can thoroughly enjoy one another. But if there’s something that’s central to your sexuality and you can’t live without it, it could be that she’s not the one.

And of course, make sure you’re giving her the same consideration in making her fantasies come true as you are yours. Putting in an effort to please her will go a long way and give her an example to follow – if you’re going outside your comfort zone for her, it makes it okay for her to do the same.

Edited: December 10th, 2013

How Can I Get My Girlfriend to Watch Porn?

Via Jacky St. James:

I am so glad you asked this question.

I think you need to first acknowledge the fact that everybody has their own sexual turn-ons and turn-offs and just because your girlfriend doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy it. It also doesn’t mean that she WILL enjoy it.

My first question for you is why is it important that your girlfriend watch porn? Is this an experience you want to share with her? Do you want her to learn some techniques? Would it turn you on watching your girl watch a pornographic film? It’s important that you know the answer to that question (there is obviously no right or wrong answer).

Secondly, you need to understand why she doesn’t want to watch porn. Has she seen porn before and hated it? Does she have preconceived notions about porn? Does she find porn to be dirty, degrading, violent, etc.? If she has any of these concerns, you need to understand where she is coming from and why she has come to these conclusions. By understanding HER feelings about porn will help you communicate your need to have her watch it.

I have found that most women’s opinions about adult films being degrading or negative towards women, are basing those opinions on assumption and not factual information. She might be surprised to know just how many empowered women work in the adult industry (both in front of and behind the camera).

*You can always send her my way and I could provide recommendations of films for her. I love helping open people’s eyes to adult films!

Edited: December 7th, 2013

Is Fantasy Better Than Reality?

I often encourage you to explore your fantasies… but some of them are left better in our minds than in reality.

Today I talk about a listener’s situation. He and his wife decided to try a cuckold fantasy, and he really enjoyed watching her get fucked by another guy. But she wants to keep going… and has had sex with her new ‘friend’ again… and simply put, her husband is not cool with it.

So where do they go from here? Whether this situation resonates with you, or there’s some other fantasy you want to try – you’ll learn exactly how to explore your desires without compromising your relationship!

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Edited: November 23rd, 2013

Help My Wife Become More Dominant

Sometimes its fun to switch ‘roles’…

Question via Tumblr:

I would love to have some information about getting my very submissive wife to become more dominate. She loves to be dominated, but I feel kind of left out in the context of I always feel like I am doing all the instigation. Does that make sense? She says she is willing to try but does not know where to start.

Being dominant can feel kind of scary to one who’s never done it before. Before I started making porn, I never had a sexual experience as a true dominant – only times my husband would be ‘aggressively’ submissive to me, so I still actually felt like the submissive one even while technically domming him.

I primarily learned by watching femdom pornclips4sale is a great place to start. Browse the site with your wife (or have her do it on her own) to find a domme she can identify with. A woman whose look, attitude, & scenarios are appealing to her, as there are many styles of domination. Watch and copy. Kink.com’s female domination sites are worth checking out if you’re both into something more extreme, though their particular genre of domination may be a bit much for a newbie. Reading BDSM erotica can help with the feeling & mindset as well – power exchange IS primarily an emotional-psychological game.

It can also be helpful to communicate to your wife specific acts or scenarios where you’d like her to take the lead. Just because you want to be submissive doesn’t mean she has to run the show 100%. Any sexual encounter is give-and-take – so especially learning something new you’ll have to give her lots of feedback. Even dirty talking while having ‘vanilla’ sex or masturbating together can be helpful – my husband and I often do this when we’re exploring something new but aren’t quite ready to try it yet.

There are also how-to books & video guides out there. SM 101 by Jay Wiseman is a popular one that I’ve read. Its more aimed at ‘lifestyle’ BDSM than occasional home play, and in my opinion seemed a little dungeons-and-dragons about the ‘rules’ of play – but gave me a lot of ideas regardless. I haven’t seen any instructional videos myself, so I can’t make any recommendations, but browse around and see if any of these appeal to you two.

Whether you watch porn, read erotica, instructional books or videos – doing it together can spark great conversation about your likes & dislikes, any insecurities that need to be addressed (i.e., fear of hurting you, going too far, etc.), and give you a guide on which to base your initial play sessions. Learning together can be a really hot & fun experience in itself – and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourselves when it doesn’t go as planned. Sex is all about fun, intimacy & pleasure – whatever you two choose to do – so stay lighthearted and enjoy the process of exploring a new side of yourselves together.

Edited: July 19th, 2013

How to Get the Girl

Does it ever feel like women just aren’t interested? Maybe they are, but you’re missing the signs.

Let me share a story that may help you… about a friend who came over and asked, “Kelsey, can I feel your boobs?”

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Edited: July 15th, 2013

What To Do If Your Partner Was Sexually Assaulted

I don’t like talking about sexual assault. Because its fucked up and makes me really sad. Its 100% the opposite of what I ‘preach’. Anything goes.. as long as everyone’s enjoying themselves. i.e., consenting. Anything against one’s will, coerced or without their knowledge – to say its ‘not cool’ would be the understatement of the year.

But since about 1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men experience actual or attempted sexual assault at some point in their lives, its important to talk about. Its not something I know about first hand, thankfully. But I have done some research in this area and I certainly know women who have experienced it. Most likely you know some who have too… whether or not you’re aware.

In today’s podcast I discuss a listener’s question about sexual assault. The specifics of his question may not pertain to you – not many people ‘save themselves’ for marriage these days, but whatever floats your boat. Nonetheless, if you or a partner is a sexual assault survivor – this will definitely help you (help them).

Here it is:

My girlfriend and I are saving ourselves for marriage. I do feel she could be the one I marry and we are doing great. She doesn’t know about this but I am afraid when we have sex something will go wrong. You see she was sexually assaulted twice when she was a child and I am afraid I will hurt her or make her cry.

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Edited: July 10th, 2013

How to Have Anal Sex for a Beginner

She wants to know how to have anal sex for “intense pleasure.”

Question via Tumblr:

My ex & I have been hooking up. Last time we were doing doggystyle & he said “I wanna put my finger in your ass. Okay?” I was so into it I said yes. I’ve never had that done & we only previously tried anal sex once a few years ago. He went in & out twice until I told him to stop. This time I was so hot I let him put his finger in it. I had already been contemplating trying anal sex again with him because more & more porn I’ve been watching by myself has a lot of anal.

So he lubed up with spit (I know spit isn’t enough for anal) and was fingering my ass & finally got his dick in. It wasn’t so bad at first but I think because he only used spit it started drying & started hurting. I asked him to stop but he said no. I pleaded & he said no. Finally I moved up to pull it out. I was kinda mad at this point because it hurt & he didn’t listen. He said sorry sorry let me fuck your pussy. I know you’re not supposed to go back to front but in the moment I allowed it.

My questions are what is the best lube for anal? I won’t allow back to front again but is it horrendous that it happened one time? Also are there any tips you can give for (practically) first time anal? Although I’ve had it in my ass twice now this last time was about only a minute. I want to feel that ‘intense’ pleasure from anal I hear about.

Check out my free anal sex guide for tons of anal tips, from start to finish. If you’re new to anal and really motivated to enjoy it, I’d recommend practicing on your own with fingers or toys first. It does take some getting used to, but feels REALLY GOOD when you do it right.

Of all the tips though, the most important thing is to do it with a partner that respects your boundaries. If it hurts, the action needs to stop. No questions asked. Its up to you to be clear – if you’re going to do it again, I’d suggest telling him you’d like to try anal but you need it to go at your pace. My partner and I played with fingers and licking a bunch of times before he ever got his dick inside. The anus stretches with penetration, and if you do too much too soon you can cause permanent damage. With practice, it will take less warm up time because the muscles will be used to opening up. At all times, but especially when its new, your partner needs to respect your boundaries. If they won’t — find a new playmate. (If your ex continues to act that way – ask yourself, “Isn’t he my ex for a reason?”)

I only use spit for anal, but you have to keep reapplying. My guy will keep pulling out to lick my ass and/or put spit on his dick & on my butthole. Once you do this several times in a row you can keep going for a little while before you need more. I’d usually recommend using lube to start though – preferably organic or natural, no glycerine, aspartame, or parabens. I like Good Clean Love myself.

Front to back isn’t a great idea, but I do it on occasion. Afterwards douche with 1-2 cups of water + 1-2 tbsp hydrogen peroxide. Its the same pH as the vagina and will prevent infection.

Edited: July 8th, 2013

The Formula for a Happy Sex Life

Terry and I recently attended a business seminar and heard a man named Keith Cunningham speak. If you’ve ever read or heard of the book Rich Dad, Poor Dad – he’s the real rich “dad” to author Robert Kiyosaki.

Cunningham teaches business success requires 3-part formula:
1 – Find out what they want.
2 – Go and get it
3 – Give it to them.

In my experience, truth is always pretty simple.

And guess what? Its the exact same formula for happiness in love – and sex. Whoever your partner, whatever your desires – its the same basic formula.

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Edited: July 6th, 2013

Chastity Play & Strapons

Discussing listener questions about the chastity fetish, strapons and how to find a partner into this kind of kinkiness.

First I explain what the chastity fetish is, in case you haven’t heard of it. Then I move on to listener questions:

What’s your opinion on chastity play?

And…

I am in my late 40′s and single. I am looking for a female led relationship in which I would like a bit of strap-on and male chastity play included.

So what advice would you have for me? I do not want to do online dating as it is way too risky and you do not know who is hiding behind the PC.

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Edited: July 4th, 2013

How to Keep on Fucking

Its a stereotype that sex fades the longer you’re together. Sure, 20 years in it may not be explosive like the FIRST time, but relationship sex can take on a different, more enjoyable (in my opinion) quality. Why? Because the longer you’re together, the more you understand your partner, their body and their desires.

That is, if you choose to keep the passion alive. Yes, choose. Of course its easy in the beginning. Everything’s new and the sheer novelty of this super amazing person wanting to fuck YOU may be excitement enough. But a long-term happy relationship and sex life doesn’t just ‘happen.’ Its a series of choices – like how you choose to express your affection and love.

This happy couple has a great sex blog that – like mine – reveals what happens behind the scenes to keep chemistry alive and growing. They suggest every kiss should last at least 5 seconds. Not just for sake, but to take a moment to truly appreciate your partner’s company and presence in your life.

Just like it takes a regular exercise regime to run a marathon, it also takes regular expressions of love & care to have, well, marathon sex. Or orgasmically explosive sex. Or crazliy kinky sex. Or romance-movie love-making. Whatever your taste. Its not the kiss itself, its the feeling and intention behind the kiss. To share and connect – which is really at the root of ANY great sex, no matter how long (or short) you’ve been together.

Edited: July 1st, 2013

My Wife’s Libido is Really Down – How Can We Reverse It?

Question via Tumblr: My wife’s libido is really down, how can we reverse it?

There are approximately 16 vagillion reasons why a person’s sex drive can change. Without knowing more about your situation, I can only give you a few suggestions:

- Relationship problems

- Hormonal imbalance, particularly from xenoestrogens in the environment (such as soy, BPA, phthalates, parabens, artificial fragrance in beauty & household products, meat & milk from animals treated with rBST/rGBH) – for BOTH of you. If your hormones are off, you may turning her off unintentionally.

- Nutritional deficiency

- Stress

- Medication side effects

- Negative beliefs about sexuality, like “Sex is wrong,” “Sex is dirty” (and not in the fun way), “I don’t deserve to feel good.”

- Not getting what she actually wants in the bedroom

I think for many people – its all of the above. I’d suggest talking to her and ask how she feels about the situation. Let her know you miss the intimacy (I assume) you used to have. Perhaps there is something going on relationship-wise that you don’t know. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with her sexuality in some way, or has preferences she hasn’t expressed. These issues may take time to come to the surface, because if she isn’t telling you something – there’s probably a reason from her perspective.

If there’s nothing emotional or psychological going on, it may be a good idea to see a doctor and get her (and your) hormones, thyroid, vitamin & mineral levels checked out. Eat a healthier diet, exercise and work to get off medications (there are natural ways to cure many ailments, though your doctor won’t tell you that). Be careful of hormone replacement therapy, progesterone creams, etc. that can increase estrogen levels. Dr. Nick Delgado is a GREAT resource for hormonal issues, and can do extensive testing & supplementation to help if that’s part of the problem.

Also, check out these blogs & podcasts – they may give you some additional insight into your particular situation:

Can Viagra Help Female Sexual Dysfunction?

Reader Question: How to Make a Girl Orgasm Better

Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore… Addressing Typical Relationship Problems

Edited: June 29th, 2013

How He Cums in My Mouth

Everyone says communication is key to great sex and relationships… but how do you actually do it?

I still wonder sometimes! But other times I get it right. So today I share a little story about my sex life – a question I asked my husband about his preferences – about how he cums after we fuck.

And if you don’t care about communication, well, you just might like my sexy story anyway…

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Edited: June 27th, 2013

How to Make Her Squirt – Female Ejaculation Questions

Learning how to make her squirt is more than just science & biology – its an art.

A reader asked, “I feel her g spot fill up with fluid, but she doesn’t squirt. What can I do?”

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Edited: June 25th, 2013

Taboo Fantasies – How Do I Explain it to My Partner?

Question via Tumblr:

My deepest fantasy has always been to watch a girl poop naturally in the toilet. No scat play, I only want to watch the girl relieve herself. How do I explain this to a girl without her getting creeped out? Figured I’d ask you because you specialize in fart videos (which I also like).

From what I’ve heard of this fantasy, its something experienced either with a dominatrix or in a long-term committed relationship with very open minded partners. The reason being our bathroom norms are very deeply embedded from an early age. Not only do most people not consider it sexual and find it gross, its also hard for most of us to go to the bathroom around others. Ever get ‘pee shy’?

I know a girl who was contacted about working for a scat website ran by Ira Isaacs (who has now been sentenced to prison for 4 years on obscenity charges – ridiculous IMO). She was offered a large sum of money to go #2 and (I think) use dildos in her ass after. She was considering it and went down to try it out. She had to go, but it wouldn’t come out. Anxiety gives us a ‘tight ass’ – not just in attitude, but physiologically too.

I don’t say this to discourage you, but to help you imagine what its like to be in your ideal partner’s place. In my opinion, this isn’t a first date topic of conversation, but something that could develop if you and your partner have an established relationship of trust & communication. The fact that you only want to watch works in your favor – because its simply observing something she’s already doing and doesn’t require she get directly involved in it. If you had a 2 Girls 1 Cup fantasy – that would be MUCH harder to make happen. Though anything is possible.

While going to the bathroom doesn’t turn me on, if my husband wanted to watch me I’d probably let him… but it would take some getting used to.

I’d suggest you focus on learning how to communicate well & have a happy relationship. If you already have someone, it will make it even better. If not, you’ll find someone you get along with one a sexual level in general – and can go deeper from there.

Check out these blogs & podcasts:

Toilet Fetishes – Where Taboo Meets Turn On

Let’s Talk About Sex: How a Real Life Couple Communicates About Sex

Turning Fantasy Into Reality

How to Bring Out a Woman’s Dirty Side

How to Have a Happy Relationship

Edited: June 20th, 2013

Why Won’t My Girlfriend Talk About Anal Sex?

Question via Tumblr:

My girlfriend isn’t shy or inhibited.. at all.. but sometimes she’s not very open. There are certain things she just won’t talk about. For instance, if I try to bring up any kind of anal play (not just penetration but anything) all I get is a capital letter NO. It’s just not up for discussion. At this point i’ve given up trying to discuss anything like that. Is there anything i can do to promote a bit of openness about discussing sexual things?

I would imagine its one of two things:

1. She’s had a bad experience with anal before you.

2. She’s embarrassed about her butt being gross, smelling, being dirty, etc.

Either way, its something that makes her uncomfortable. Instead of asking her to do anything anal, ask her about her feelings on the topic.

“I notice you get really upset whenever I ask about anal. Why do you get so upset? How do you feel about it?”

Empathize with her perspective, whether or not it makes sense to you. You cannot convince her with logic to change how she feels. However if you engage in an open dialogue about the subject, without pressure to do anything in the moment, her worries may relax. She may be more willing to at least talk – if not try.

Edited: June 16th, 2013

My Sexuality is Ruining My Marriage – How Can I Change My Desires?

Reader Question:

I need advise on how to curb my desires for my wife. She’s a wonderful women and I deeply love her. The problem of me wanting more than she can give. I can’t stop wanting her the ways that I do and I desires her and only her. The desire causes problems in our sex life, which in turn causes problems in our marriage.

The only option of fixing this is to help me not want these things than to change her to want them. I would like oral sex and to perform it as she doesn’t like either, I want anal sex to be part of our sex life, for her to be a bit slutty in bed, her to touch herself and pleasure herself, let down her wall and go wild, be naughty outside the comfort of the house…maybe flash every now and again when nobody is looking. These things are always brought up and never done.

What can this guy do, and how can he save his marriage?

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Edited: June 10th, 2013

I Have This Fetish… How Do I NOT Sound Like a Pervert?

How can you ask someone to fulfill your fetish or fantasy?

Question via Tumblr:

Hi Kelsey. There is a girl at my gym who has the nicest ass and would love to smell and lick her sweaty ass after one of her workouts. How would I ask her without sounding like a pervert?

I don’t think you CAN’T NOT sound like a pervert asking that question. Think about it from her perspective. You’re a perfect stranger who’s been watching her at the gym. She may or may not know you exist. Even if she thinks the idea is hot, I’d estimate 9.5 out of 10 women wouldn’t want to do it with a complete stranger. Even one night stands aren’t usually with perfect strangers – they at least spend a couple hours getting to know each other at a bar or party.

Simply approaching a stranger to fulfill your fetish won’t typically work. There has to be rapport, comfort, AND they have to get something out of the situation as well.

What you could do is approach her to hang out & hook up in a ‘normal’ way… Then once you’ve broken the ice, you can go to the gym together and have sex right after – smell & lick her ass as a part of it if she’s down. Also be sure to ask what she enjoys and give it to her. Focus on giving her a great time and she’ll be much more likely to want to please you in return.

Edited: June 5th, 2013

“I just can’t seem to get a girlfriend!”

Question via Tumblr:

Is it a bad thing that I’m 22 and haven’t been in a relationship? I’m not a geek or shy around girls that I know and I’m not a virgin just can’t seem to get a gf! any advice?

Its certainly not a bad thing, its not that uncommon. A good friend of mine is 30 and very inexperienced with dating & relationships. It could be that you’re putting out a vibe around girls that you’re not aware of, putting yourself in the ‘friend zone’ or seeming like a creeper. Or it could be that you just haven’t met someone you gel with on that level.

The question I’d ask is – why do you want a girlfriend? Perhaps it seems obvious, but the more you know what you want and why, the easier it is to get. Are you looking for sex? Love? Fun & adventure? Intimacy? Companionship? How would having a girlfriend make you feel? Loved? Confident? Happy? Special? ”Like a man”? Do you want a serious committed relationship, or something more casual?

There’s no right or wrong answer. Everyone’s looking for something different, you just need to find someone who wants the same things you do right now. When you know what you want, you can filter out girls who are in the market for something else.

It can also help to learn more about what women (as a big generalization) find attractive. Though they’ve gotten a bad rap, some information put out by pick up artists is really useful to understand how women see men. For instance, if you’re always volunteering to go shopping with her because you think it’ll bring you closer – she may be more apt to see you as a friend and not a potential lover. If you’re obsessively thinking about how you want to stick your dick inside her when she’s around, she can probably pick up on it and may be put off. If you’re too excited when you call her, it may come across as needy or desperate. She may also be giving you cues to go for it that you don’t even notice, because you haven’t been taught to look for them. Books like The Game and The Mystery Method are good introductions.

Whether you follow the techniques or not, you’ll get a better idea of how you appear from a woman’s perspective. The key with women is to present yourself as a cool dude that she’d be lucky to be with. That you don’t NEED her, but it’ll make her life better to have you in it. It doesn’t mean changing who you are, it just means bringing out the awesome side of yourself – whatever that is (we’ve all got it). A girlfriend can never MAKE you confident, rather confidence will ATTRACT a girlfriend.

My husband dabbled in the pick up artist community right before he met me. He was never picking up chicks left and right like the guys in those books, but he understood where he’d gone wrong in the past. Of the early days when we were hanging out, he said he knew it’d happen – he just had to not fuck it up. What he learned was how to better read me and know when was (and was not) appropriate to make a move. I had a lot of walls up at the time, and had he not known better he may have taken it as a lack of interest and given up. I (subconsciously) tested him quite a bit, which – right or wrong – is common for women. Its how I knew he was a cool yet respectful guy – he hung around despite my occasional bitchiness, he put himself out there but didn’t push. When I was ready he kissed me and I literally climbed on top of him and fucked him that day. The rest is history.

We were both also looking for the same thing at the time – a good friend and fuck buddy with closeness but no commitment – and had personalities that matched up very well. (Obviously it evolved into much more.) That’s why the more you know what you’re looking for, it’ll be on your radar when an appropriate partner comes into your life. The rest is just sealing the deal, the social dynamics of which is both science and art. :)

Edited: May 24th, 2013

How to Have a Happy Relationship

I’ve been talking about open relationships & exploring fantasies a lot on the podcast lately. There’s one thing Siri, Carey Riley, and Jimmy Broadway all said: to have a successful open relationship, you must START with a happy relationship. A threesome, swinger’s party or cuckold roleplay won’t FIX your relationship — if you’re not already happy, it may actually ruin it!

Everyone always says the key to good relationships is communication. If you are on the same wavelength, you’ll be happier and definitely have more (and better!) sex.

But HOW exactly do you communicate? In this podcast I discuss the book The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Dr. Gary Chapman and the key to having a happy relationship and doing that thing everyone says to… communicating… (Its not that hard!)

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Edited: May 14th, 2013

What’s a Cuckold Fetish? Interview With Jimmy Broadway

The cuckold fetish is basically where the woman (in a ‘straight’ couple) openly has sex with other men.

It goes in reverse too, where the guy openly has sex with other women – called a cuckquean fetish (this term definitely could apply to my relationship!).

I often encountered the cuckold fetish when I worked on webcam. I enjoyed roleplaying, but I always wondered how this could work in “real life.” Many of the men I worked with fantasized about their woman taking their money, their dignity and sometimes only being allowed to eat other men’s semen from their woman’s pussy with no other sexual contact. Not all men took it to this extreme, but it was more common than I would have expected.

Obviously we don’t bring ALL our fantasies to life, but I’ve got several emails in my inbox from guys wanting to know how to get their woman to ‘cuckold’ them.

Curious myself, I asked fetish video producer Jimmy Broadway to join me on the podcast. Jimmy is co-owner of SevereSocietyFilms.com and frequently films cuckold fetish films. Jimmy is intimately familiar with the fantasy AND reality of cuckold relationships – how to make it work, and how it can go wrong.

Hear us talk about -

- Why are guys turned on by their woman fucking another guy?
- What role does bisexuality play?
- What are the risks of the cuckold relationship? What can go right, and what could go wrong?
- How can a couple safely explore the cuckold fantasy?
- What’s the #1 most important element of a happy cuckold relationship?

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Edited: May 4th, 2013

I Want to Be More Submissive!

Can women be more dominant in the bedroom? Submissive men everywhere hope so.

A male listener writes,

80% of girls I’ve tried to convince to be dominant with me simply don’t have the confidence to try. I might suggest to her, “Hey it’d turn me on a lot if you called me this, or you ddi this, or made up something assertive and just ran with it.” But I have yet to find someone I have a really good dom/sub connection with.

Is submissive just a fancy word for being lazy, letting the guy do all the work?

Is the percentage of women who purely don’t have a dominant side a majority?
I just want to treat a girl like crap and then have her return the favor. :P

With 50 Shades of Grey we know many women are into submission, but what about domination?

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Edited: March 31st, 2013

Big Girl Sex Tips With BBW Porn Star Nicole

BBW porn star Nicole is back to talk about big sex.

A self-proclaimed fat girl, Nicole has had sex with guys of all sizes. Whether you’re a bigger girl or hoping to get with one, Nicole’s got great advice on how to make sex work at almost any size.

We also discuss Nicole’s personal sex life and how every person’s tastes are different. Experimenting is half the fun!

Subscribe in iTunes!

Follow Nicole on Twitter!
Watch us both at DirtyLittleDiva.com and KelseyObsession.com.

Kelsey Obsession & BBW Porn Star Nicole

Kelsey Obsession & BBW Porn Star Nicole

Edited: March 19th, 2013

How to Make a Girl Squirt From My Penis?

A couple knows how to make a girl squirt from fingering, but what about his dick?

A man asks,

I can get her to squirt by doing the come here motion (with fingers) but thats it – no toys or my penis and we both would love to learn how.

If she can already squirt from one technique, its possible to train her body to ejaculate from other types of stimulation. Listen how!

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Edited: March 14th, 2013

How to Give Her an Orgasm?

What’s the best way to give her an orgasm?

Question via Tumblr:

heyy!!jus give me some nice tips as to how can i give a good orgasm for my girlfriend!!Thanks!!

Well every person is different, so your best bet would be to ask her! Ask how she masturbates (if she does), what she’s liked with previous partners (if she’s had any) and what she fantasizes about. Most women like their clitoris simulated, some like vaginal or anal penetration, more rarely women can orgasm from having their nipples played with or feet licked. Many women like if you start slower, touch her body all over, lots of kissing and touching – i.e., foreplay – before getting to her pussy. But others like to be grabbed roughly and thrown around. (I like a mix :) ) Talking to her can be foreplay too.. talking about sex is a turn on and the only real way to know if you’re giving her what she likes.

Also check out this awesome book to learn more about how women’s bodies work. At least check out the pictures to learn where her sensitive parts are located… the clitoris is a whole network of nerves that’s a lot more than what you see on the surface. You might learn something about her body even she doesn’t know yet!

Edited: March 7th, 2013

Listener Questions on Domination & Submission With Aiden Starr

Dominatrix and porn star Aiden Starr is back to answer listener questions on domination and submission.

If you didn’t hear my interview with this intelligent & beautiful woman, listen here.

Aiden Starr shares her insights from years of personal and professional experience in BDSM. We cover several questions:

(1) What can you do if you’re into BDSM and your partner isn’t? Hear Aiden’s take on submissive men – a group I hear from often – and whether/how they can share their desires with a partner.

(2) Where to draw boundaries? I received an email asking about submissives, “that want no boundaries or safe words, but who are destined for a more ruinous end (and are only turned on by that).” How far is too far? And what should you do when your or your partners’ boundaries are crossed?

(3) How can someone get started in BDSM if they’ve never tried it?

Want more of Aiden? Check out her website to watch videos & book a session, follow her on twitter, and hear her co-host the Mean Bitches Show every Thursday 9-11pm PST on Sirius XM 103.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: February 14th, 2013

How to Bring Fetish Into Your Sex Life

You may enjoy a sexual fetish on your own, but how do you bring it to life with your partner?

Hear the answer to this question in my interview with Dr. Fran of ImproveIntimacy.com. I interviewed Dr. Fran several weeks ago about her experience going from Roman Catholic nun to sex therapist. Dr. Fran invited me onto her podcast to share all about fetish, how I became a fetish porn star, and how couples can explore their fantasies and fetishes together.

On a mobile device? Click to listen.

Edited: December 29th, 2012

How to Talk About Safer Sex: What Are YOUR Preferences?

The only truly “safe” sex is masturbation (can’t catch a disease from yourself!). So when it comes to partner sex, let’s talk safeR sex.

I’ll admit something most sex teachers won’t: I FUCKING HATE CONDOMS. I love the feel of my partner’s body against mine, inside of mine, their skin on my skin. I love that he can lick my pussy in the middle of fucking me, and we don’t have to clean off lube or spermicide. I love tasting his cock in my mouth – not latex, which leaves behind a distinctive flavor and smell even when the condom is removed. I always think latex fetishists got it easy in the safer sex department!

And I FUCKING HATE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS. I got off them 3.5 years ago when I discovered an increased risk of breast cancer, which runs in my family. When I stopped the pill after 10 years, I discovered that it had been suppressing my arousal and attractions. I became even more physically attracted to Terry, especially his taste and smell.

Being married, monogamous with men, only having sex with porn girls who have been recently STD tested, and being tested once a month myself — I have the luxury of condomless sex. For birth control, we go all natural: the fertility awareness method and withdrawal. Contrary to popular belief, when practiced perfectly withdrawal has only a 4-8% pregnancy rate, and Terry has very good control. We’ve been doing some version of this for 3.5 years with no pregnancy, and have recently studied how to more formally chart my cycle. Having anal sex in lieu of vaginal on my more fertile days adds extra protection, though we’re not perfect about it. But the moral of the story is: we’re not worried about disease, and were an “accident” to occur we’d go with the flow and become parents.

But were I to enter the dating world again, I’d definitely make any new male partners slap on a condom until we were committed and got tested together. And he’d only get to pull out if he could handle it (though realistically any guy who could keep up with me would have a high level of sexual awareness anyway). If he were to have sex with other women, he’d either have to use a condom or they’d have to be tested too. I wouldn’t use dental dams or any protection with female partners, but I’d definitely get tested with them as well. And would want to know they had similar precautions if they were fucking men too.

Those are my preferences. Those are the risks I’m comfortable taking. What are yours?

Reid Mihaklo describes his “safer sex elevator speech,” you know, for those times you have a random elevator hookup. Joking aside, these are really important questions to ask yourself, to share with your partner, and to ask how they feel:

(1) When were you last tested for STDs, what did you get tested for, and what was the status of those tests?
(2) What is your current relationship status and sexual orientation, and what, if any, relationship agreements do you have that the other person should know about?
(3) What are your Safer Sex Protocols and needs?
(4) One or two things that you know you like sexually (or might want to do with this person).
(5) One thing you know you don’t like sexually (or that you aren’t up for today).
(6) Optional: Quick rundown of any risky sexual things you’ve done since you were last tested.
(7) Last step: Then ask the other person, “And how about you?” and listen to what they say and how they say it…

Don’t wait for your partner to say something, because chances are they won’t. But if you have the courage to break the ice and give your lover space to share their thoughts – you’ll both get to enjoy sex without any worry.

Edited: December 12th, 2012

How to Give a Blowjob So He Cums in an Instant

A woman wants to please her well-endowed partner and needs some help. With a sore jaw, she wants to know how to give a blowjob he’ll enjoy much more (and much faster).

How can she improve her oral skills?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

And check out:
Nina Hartley’s Guide to Better Fellatio

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio

And watch this sexy beast for jaw exercises to improve your oral stamina, whether you’re going down on a man, woman, or anyone else:

Do you have any how to give a blowjob tips to share?

Edited: November 28th, 2012

How to Bring Out a Woman’s Dirty Side

I hear from fans all the time asking, “How do I get a girl like you?” One that loves anal, is kinky and down to try (almost) anything?

Well I wasn’t always this way. I used to be pretty shy and inhibited about my sexuality. It was my husband, Terry, who really brought this side of me out to play. On today’s podcast, Terry and I talk about our relationship and he gives advice to guys wanting to get a little kinkier with their woman.

Have you brought out the dirty in a girl? Or had the dirty brought out in you? Leave a comment!

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Edited: September 7th, 2012

Turning Fantasy Into Reality

Do you have a fantasy you’ve been dying to try, but your partner isn’t into it? Or are you scared they’ll turn you down?

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: August 25th, 2012

Exploring BDSM: The Emotional Side of Submission

Lately I’ve been craving BDSM and submission.

Terry and I have always had amazing sex. The best I’d ever had. But I wasn’t very open in the beginning – I was in theory, but not in practice. As I began to explore my sexuality, I saw how submissive I wanted to be. I became insecure and scared. I didn’t want to show him this very deep part of myself and be rejected for it, as I’d been in previous relationships.

So as we got closer and had more submissive sex, I tested him. Over. And over. And over. And over again. Until finally, we arrived at a place where I couldn’t test him anymore. When we got married, I said I’m either all in or I’m all out. I committed. In.

Its not that he passed all my tests. Its actually that he didn’t. Most of the time he wouldn’t be manipulated by me. He wouldn’t take my insecure bullshit.

But there were times he would. He’d try to make me happy by ignoring his feelings over mine. He’d start reacting out of his abusive childhood and act like an asshole. And I’d react to him like a child myself. There have been times where our negativity has so fed off one another that I wondered what the fuck I was doing. But as much as I’d be angry sometimes, we always maintained a strong bond. Because this: no matter what, he ALWAYS ultimately stood up for himself. The equilibrium always came back to that. I always respected him in the end.

And at a certain point – when we got married – I knew I had to take that for granted. I had to know within myself that THAT was who he is. I also had to forgive him for his wounds. Parts of his childhood were very loving, others were quite rough. It doesn’t excuse any of his behavior, nor do any of my “issues” excuse mine. But I had to forgive him for the parts of him that aren’t so strong. To love him, faults and all, as he loves me. And to respect him for admitting those faults and for his own journey in overcoming his past. As he has for me.

Since getting married, its not as though we’ve been without fights. As if the old patterns of behaving have simply disappeared. On the contrary. What’s changed is how I respond toward him. How I communicate with him. How we work for resolve our conflicts. How I’ve been able to tell him all this, about the times I haven’t respected him, and how he’s taken my feedback “like a man.” We’ve never been happier. And what do you know, our sex life has never been better.

And now I feel like I’m ready to go deeper. To give myself to him, to allow myself to be used. To be his slut, his whore, his pet. Keyword: HIS.

Edited: August 20th, 2012

What is Women’s Sexuality? There’s No Right Answer.

For awhile I’ve struggled with my version of women’s sexuality.

There are so many books, videos, and people who say definitively that THIS (fill in the blank) is what women want. Be it romance, spirituality, monogamy, or the #1 GUARANTEED METHOD TO MAKE ANY WOMAN ORGASM (riiiiight). And with all that noise, its been a learning experience to tune into myself. I don’t give a shit what anyone says women want. I care about what I want.

So what do I want? I’m finally starting to understand, to communicate it, and to allow myself to let go and receive it when it comes.

Unlike my husband, I’m not looking for any specific act in a sexual encounter. I’d usually like my pussy to be played with in some way, but how doesn’t often matter. What I want is an experience, a feeling that I get with him. I want him to lead me somewhere without my knowing the exact destination (if there is one). I want to trust he’ll take me somewhere I want to go, or depending on my mood, give me the space to drive the car. I want to feel both his physical strength and his gentleness, his love with just a hint of aggression. I want to feel safe being vulnerable because in that space I can let go. I want to “worship” his body, his smell, his taste, to appreciate and give pleasure to this person who makes me feel that.

Evolutionary psychologists like Roy Baumstein and Lisa Diamond believe that women’s sexuality is more “plastic” or variable than men’s. They study the phenomenon that women are more likely to fall in love “with the person, not the gender” – and forgo a straight or gay identity for someone they care about. This seems to reflect my experience, not exactly in terms of sexual orientation but rather the specific sexual activities I’ll practice in my personal life.

Whereas my husband is focused on licking, fingering, and fucking my pussy or ass, I’m fairly open as to what we do. Sometimes I’ll want my pussy licked, or toys in my ass, or my feet rubbed and sucked while I masturbate. Sometimes I want to be massaged, sometimes I want to suck his dick, sometimes I want him to fuck my ass HARD. I love to role-play – sometimes I’m in charge, but more often I’m submissive – sometimes in a loving, caring situation, others in a pseudo rape fantasy.

What I want is space to allow these fantasies and desires to rise and blossom. I don’t always know what I’ll want until I’m in the middle of it. Sometimes I choose to let him run the show, only giving feedback if, say, his tongue is too far to the left. Other times I describe a fantasy, a sensation, or act I’m craving in the moment. Whatever it is that I want is not static, and my desires today don’t necessarily reflect what I’ll crave tomorrow. If the stereotypical woman constantly changes her mind, then I suppose that’s my experience of women’s sexuality. So be it.

Edited: July 5th, 2012

Relationship Advice: Its All in Your Head, OR How Subconscious Beliefs Shape our Sexual Relationships

Relationship advice: Stop listening to the TV, the movies, your religion, and your parents. Tune into yourself. Easier said than done.

I’ve spent countless hours reading and teaching college kids about how social norms shape our thoughts, beliefs, and actions without our realizing.

So it came as a surprise to discover I was holding onto a belief I picked up from romantic movies – that a man should know what I want, come sweep me off my feet, and give it to me without my saying a word. That meant love. If I had to ask, it meant he didn’t want to, and therefore that he didn’t love me.

My logical mind has known this is bullshit for many years. I always enjoyed giving lectures on how the media shapes our romantic ideals, never realizing I still subscribed to them myself.

This belief has led to assumptions about my relationship and about my husband. I’ve felt uncomfortable asking for things I wanted in sex that aren’t his immediate turn ons or get offs. Making out, massage, soft touch, oral sex, playing with my g-spot and experimenting with squirting. Of course he enjoys those things – he’ll even masturbate while he licks my pussy – but he’s not asking me for them. He asks me for his desires, and I’m happy to fulfill them.

And yet when I ask, its in a childlike way that makes it sound unappealing. “You wouldn’t possibly be interested in maybe doing XYZ, would you?” Whether he says yes or no doesn’t matter, because I’ve already framed it in my mind that he doesn’t want to. Even when he says yes I still don’t believe he wants to be there – because I believe if he loved me, he should be spontaneously offer me exactly what I want while I lay back in silence. And simultaneously I’m programming him to believe I don’t really want it either, so of course he rarely surprises me with my own desires. Why would he? I make it sound as fun as a bag of rocks.

Intellectual knowledge can be deceiving. Understanding how society programs us is interesting, but that understanding has done little to change my reality. Frustrating. Now I find when I examine how I act, rather than what I think, I find a window into subconscious beliefs I didn’t know I had. We live under an illusion that we’re in control of our lives, that we should and do act from a rational, logical, conscious place. But most of our behaviors come from subconscious programming we picked up from friends, family, school, religion, and the media.

If sex isn’t going your way, take a look at how you’re behaving. How are you creating the situation? What are you doing or saying – or NOT doing or saying – that’s contributing to your outcome (or lack thereof)? Its easy to blame our partners for what we’re not getting, because its not easy or fun to look within. But that’s where the answers lie.

Edited: June 4th, 2012

Faking Female Orgasm: How to Tell Your Partner

Its a stereotype that women fake female orgasm, but some do. And once you start, its hard to stop.

Here’s what sex coach Billie Becker has to say about getting honest about faking female orgasm:

Start slowly with deep breaths. Mix in a gasp. Work your way to a moan. Wait for him to cum. Quiver and smile.

Faking it was easy.

I was a committed method actor and sex was like a porno casting call every time. Working my way down a checklist I would have “orgasms” on demand – without end.

I nailed the part.

Stop Faking Female Orgasm!

Stop Faking Female Orgasm!

It was easy to write off my bad behavior when I was younger – I didn’t know what orgasms were. I questioned myself, thinking “Maybe I am having one and I just can’t tell”.  If women came without question in porn, maybe they just liked sex more than I did.

But they don’t.

My first vibrator cleared away any doubt about what an orgasm felt like, but “faking it” had already went from a bad habit to a disease. Instead of dealing with my fatigue, hunger, or insecurity, I could just fake an orgasm and get on with it.

I had an “orgasm” every time we had sex, and my partner came to expect it. I couldn’t stop now, not without admitting I had lied. He would find out that we weren’t actually getting the job done, then he’d be crushed and I’d be totally embarrassed.

So I kept faking it… for years.

If you’re the one faking it:

Come clean.

Right now, admit to yourself that you’ve been dishonest. Take out a pencil and paper, and write down what you need to tell your partner. I recommend the following format.

• Use “I”, not “you”, statements. “I’ve been feeling ______, because I haven’t been honest with you.
• Keep it positive. Mention what did work or feel good. “I really appreciate when we”, “I enjoy this about it”.
• Explain yourself. “I wanted to make you feel good”, “I wanted our sex to be perfect”
• Take responsibility. “I realized that it was dishonest”
• Tell them what YOU are doing to make things better. “I’d like to use a vibrator, I think it’ll really help me”.

If you think your partner is faking it:

Stop it.

No really, stop it. When you’re focused on your partners orgasm, you’re bound to make things worse.

• Don’t set expectations by saying things like “I’m going to make you come”.
• Don’t ask if your partner came. By asking “Did I make you come” you’re setting them up to lie about it if they didn’t.
• Focus on asking questions that require specific feedback. Instead of asking “Yeah, do you like that?”, ask “Do you want it harder or softer?”, “What depth feels good?”, etc.

Edited: March 22nd, 2012

To Swallow or Not to Swallow: What to Do With Semen After a Blowjob

Most guys I’ve met prefer their partner to swallow his semen after a blowjob, but not all women are game.

Let’s see what Dan and Jennifer have to say about blowjobs and semen:

Edited: February 22nd, 2012

How to Eat Pussy: Listen to Her Owner

Nice to see women having an intelligent, mature discussion on oral sex and how to eat pussy.

Edited: February 16th, 2012