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I Am Not a Fantasy

I sell fantasies for your viewing pleasure.

However I am not a fantasy. Much as I’d like to be one, hair all flowing, looking perfect, saying just the right thing… I’m oddly attracted to a fetish I’ve recently discovered called ‘bimboification,’ where girls are ‘transformed’ into being the perfect sex object. But this is, of course, a fantasy and funny enough nowhere near my radar when I started porn. Becoming a sex object was the last thing I ever intended. I was always more focused on my own personal experience and my desire to understand sexuality then trying to get the approval of horny penises around the world. (Though I’d be lying if I said they played no part in my performance. I like being watched.)

The funny thing about the fantasy I sell is that its mostly predicated on doing completely (socially) unattractive things like fart, burp, and sweat. I love doing things like this because to me, it humanizes my body, it shows I’m living and breathing and not airbrushed or plastic.

But porn is porn. Media is media. And where there’s an image on a screen, someone (probably a lot of someone’s) will long for the image to be real in their very own bedroom.

Its not and it never will be.

I don’t reply to most of my emails because I simply don’t have time, but I took a good hour to write out a response to a really super nice one yesterday. The man was so ‘envious’ (to use his word) of Terry and our relationship, wishing he could find someone like me.

I am always flattered to read emails like this. I also always want to laugh because they’re largely divorced from the reality that is my life. People think they know me because they see me all over the internet – doing something for less than 5 hours on camera each month, only 0.6% of my life. This sliver of my life, most of which wouldn’t even happen if we weren’t filming a commercial product, defines me in many people’s eyes. Its an interesting experience to be known for something so minor (time-wise), yet also so outrageous (content-wise).

I’m sharing my response here to shed light on the other 99.4% of the time I’m not doing bizarre things in front of a camera.

Thank you for your very kind email. Your words are very flattering and it makes me happy you’ve taken a liking to my work :)

As awesome as it is to get emails like this, I have to point out that while I may be your fantasy — the thing you’re desiring is exactly that, a fantasy. Terry didn’t meet the person you see online today. That person has evolved from a painfully shy socially awkward little girl (who I still feel like pretty often). In fact, the only reason you even know who I am is precisely because I had so much anxiety about sex, it was so painful for me, that I had to do SOMETHING about it. And that something ended up being porn, just so that I had a place where I could interact with other people in a sexual sense. So I could learn about what other people did, what turned them on, what different bodies looked like. And hopefully somewhere in there, begin to feel good about my own and share that part of myself with my partners. The extent to which I am comfortable with some elements of sex now (definitely not everything) is in direct proportion to how UNcomfortable I used to be.

I am often playing a balancing act between being authentic and being, for a lack of a better word, attractive. Please realize, I love what I do, but what I do is create a commercial product; its not a hidden camera in my bedroom. Selling that product entails presenting myself on the internet as attractive so that you want to watch my videos. On video everything happens perfectly and I’m wonderfully sexy and seductive and in a fantastic mood. So of course you want me! And that does happen sometimes in real life, its awesome when it does!

Terry and I, like many couples, seem to fit together perfectly at the same time as we can trigger one another perfectly. We don’t fight so much as I become emotionally overwhelmed and cry hysterically and he sits in silence. Neither of which facilitates open communication, especially about sex. In fact, we just spent last evening and several hours this morning communicating about how exactly we communicate, when it works why it works, and when it doesn’t why it doesn’t. Going back and forth – when you say X I feel Y, well when you feel Y you do Z and that makes me feel Q, etc, etc, etc. With this (super fucking difficult) conversation, like many others, we’ve helped open one another’s eyes to our behavior and how it affects each of us. If there’s anything special about our relationship, its only that we’re committed to working through shit and growing where we need to, even when its hard. And its the working through shit that brings us closer and makes sex (and everything else) better. I mean who gives a fuck if your sexual interests align if you can’t get your shit together to actually connect? That’s what I’m slowly but surely learning to do.

There can be times when I’m a complete emotional anxious mess – I just decided a long time ago never to put that out onto social media. Its embarrassing, unattractive, and obnoxious. At the same time I can’t sell a fantasy of myself – I can’t bring myself to act as if I’m the always horny porn star who gets off on everything the viewer happens to – I have to be real to some degree, so I try to write on my blog ( as I learn how to handle my emotions, have fun with my work and deepen my relationship with Terry.

I hope this doesn’t kill your interest in my work completely, but I’d rather be honest than help perpetuate an unrealistic fantasy about myself.

And then I gave him some links to my podcast to help the guy out. I’m not an asshole (all the time). I’m just not a fantasy.

Edited: October 5th, 2014

Why Do Guys Share Their Fantasies Online?

Question via Tumblr: Why do you think that many guys write out their fantasies and post them online? I don`t understand the logic or motivation behind it.

I’m curious about in what setting you’re talking about – where are you seeing guys post their fantasies?

But wherever it is, I think most people have a deep desire to share the sexual part of themselves. A lot of people (regardless of gender) are too scared to be that real with their partners if they have one. Or they’ve tried unsuccessfully and don’t want to face judgment or rejection again. So the internet provides an anonymous outlet and in certain places like fetish forums – others who understand and validate their fantasies.

I think its great when people find a place to express themselves. I also think its much more satisfying when we can do it in person, with a real human being who cares about our wants and needs. But that’s not an option for everyone (or perhaps not yet) so the internet fulfills that in part.

Edited: March 31st, 2014

Do Fantasies Help or Hurt?

I generally say its great for people to enjoy their fantasies so long as nobody gets hurt. Generally that’s pretty obvious. If anyone ends up in the hospital, its probably a no-go. But psychological hurt is harder to define. Especially when its our OWN psychologies. Can we hurt ourselves through our fantasies?


Sometimes fantasies are just ways we play out the same old patterns that have caused us pain and disappointment throughout our entire lives. Kind of like a guy who’s been divorced 5 times. If it didn’t work in marriage 1-4, why would #5 be any different? Sure people change, but without making a conscious effort, chances are the problem was never really the wife. The problem is the guy picking the same woman over and over. His picker is off. Because in some way, that woman is familiar, comforting, and attractive to him. But seeking a new one won’t fix why he keeps choosing someone who’s not right for him.

When is indulging in our fantasies helpful, and when it it harmful? How can fantasies fuel personal growth, or how can they cripple us? Where’s the line?

That’s something only you can know. And sometimes you’ll bang your head against the wall 263 times before you realize – the wall fucking hurts! And you’ll pull your head away to notice that fluffy pillow on the couch is a much softer place to rest your noggin…

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Edited: February 20th, 2014

What Does a Fantasy Mean?

Sometimes two people look at the same fantasy in different ways…

One night we decided to play with my butt.

But(t) instead, things got awkward. We got part way into it, and stopped.

Later, we realized we were coming at the same act from two different places. He wanted to share a ‘dirty’ experience. I wanted to be submissive and ‘made’ to do it.

Sometimes we’re totally on the same page. Other times, it might look like we are – but we’re really not. The only way to know is to communicate, so hear more about my awkward night and what I learned about making sex good.

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Edited: January 29th, 2014

Kicking Him in the Balls… Out of Love, Like and Lust

I feel like I tell men over and over that its unlikely you’ll find a partner (particularly a female one) whose sexual desires perfectly mirror yours.  Especially guys who have fetishes.  Many times I’ve written & talked about how feminine women are often more interested in the context of an erotic encounter than the particular content (though we do care about that too!).  Meaning: a woman might not care about your fetish or fantasy in general… but she may be open to try it, and even learn to like it – with YOU.  Someone she cares about. In a happy relationship.

Now Mistress T may not be your typical woman, a dominatrix who abuses and humiliates men on camera and off.  But she echoes the same sentiment in her blog on a guy she’s been seeing and filming with that’s into ball busting.  i.e., getting kicked, punched, and generally abused in the testicular region:

…our relationship might be a little unusual. I never thought that I would actually find ball busting arousing. I do: with him. We go out dancing at fetish parties. I kick him in the balls & he gets hard. It turns me on & we make out. The way he reacts when I abuse his balls is so fucking sexy, so passionate. He loves it & surrenders to it beautifully. He also loves my feet & worships them during sex which sends me over the moon. My feet are certainly an erogenous zone.

Who says fetish can’t be romantic?

Edited: January 7th, 2014

Sex and Shame

Have you ever felt bad about…

- Your sexual fantasies?
- Sexual things you’ve done?
- Your sexual fetish?
- People you’ve had sex with?
- How many people you’ve fucked? (Or haven’t.)
- Experiences you WISH hadn’t happened?


Welcome to the club! Pretty much everyone is a member, or has been at one point or another.

Meeeee included.

I think most people’s reaction to shame is to try and run away from it. To do their best to avoid things that provoke that icky feeling. But if you’ve ever tried that (as I have) – it doesn’t work. Those feelings always come out.

So if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Today I’m sharing what I’ve learned dealing with my own sexual shame over the last few years, and why feeling that shame is necessary if you want to enjoy your sex life a lot more. It might sting a bit at first, but the pleasure is well worth the pain.

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Edited: December 25th, 2013

Why I Love Body Worship

Making dirty fetish porn has opened my eyes (& vagina) to something that REALLY turns me on…

Body worship. i.e., the experience of someone “worshipping” (sexually appreciating) my various parts & body as a whole. Toes, feet, legs, ass, pussy, stomach, armpits, neck, mouth – and everywhere in-between.

That's Maia Davis Licking My Pit

That's Maia Davis Licking My Pit

You might notice that a lot of my fetish videos center on this theme. And if not my body explicitly, then its functions.

Why? Listen & I’ll share…

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Edited: December 20th, 2013

Behind Desire: Lessons on Peeing From Tera Patrick

I’ve been reading books by porn stars & other sex workers lately. I recently finished Tera Patrick’s book.

And I loved how she & her (now ex) husband described their voyage into kinkiness – primarily, watersports. (Which my computer keeps wanting to auto-correct to waterspouts. Stop censoring my dirty side!) AKA peeing on people.

Courtesy AirHugger.Wordpress.Com

Courtesy AirHugger.Wordpress.Com

Maybe you like pee, maybe its grosses you out, or perhaps the jury is still out (or took a trip to the bathroom instead). For the purposes of this podcast, it doesn’t matter. Nor did it really matter to Tera & her dude, because as they describe, peeing isn’t necessarily about the pee. Its about how it feels to be dominant and submissive. Which really, is what a lot of our fantasies are about.

So let’s dive a bit deeper, shall we?

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Edited: December 18th, 2013

How to Talk About Your Fantasies

I recently made a custom video for a fan who had a very… let’s say ‘different’ sort of fantasy. One I was happy to oblige, but didn’t really understand the turn-on.

So… I asked him, why do you think this turns you on so much?

And his explanation was so great I asked if I could share it with you. Why? If you want to talk about your fantasies with your partner, and perhaps don’t know where to begin, let this be an example. You may not find his fantasy sexy, but the way he talked about it really helped me to make it cum true. Just like you’d like your partner to do for you!

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Edited: December 16th, 2013

Is Fantasy Better Than Reality?

I often encourage you to explore your fantasies… but some of them are left better in our minds than in reality.

Today I talk about a listener’s situation. He and his wife decided to try a cuckold fantasy, and he really enjoyed watching her get fucked by another guy. But she wants to keep going… and has had sex with her new ‘friend’ again… and simply put, her husband is not cool with it.

So where do they go from here? Whether this situation resonates with you, or there’s some other fantasy you want to try – you’ll learn exactly how to explore your desires without compromising your relationship!

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Edited: November 23rd, 2013

Are Lesbians Who Like Strapons Reeeeeally Straight?

Sexual orientation is different from sexual preferences and the acts we enjoy. That is, doing a particular act doesn’t “make” someone gay or straight, nor does being gay, straight or anything else really imply what it is you DO with your partner. Only the gender or sex of your partner.

Here’s an example…

How do you like strap-ons but not dicks? Have you ever thought about trying out the real thing?

    Her response:

The number of people who ask me, whether via social media or in person, whether I’ve “thought about” having straight sex floors me. Do you really think I’ve gone through life unaware of the possibility of heterosexuality? I’ve thought about it, and my thoughts on the matter can be summed up rather neatly as “ewww, gross”.

I am reminded of door to door church people who start with “have you heard the good news” as if there is a person in the United States who has just never heard about Christianity.

I’ve always known I wasn’t into dudes. The whole hetero life plan is pretty present, even for little kids…fall in love and marry a boy, have kids, etc. I knew I wasn’t into it, but it was only when I was a bit older that I realized I was gay, and not just destined to die alone and be eaten by my numerous cats.

    My two cents:

Enjoying the feeling of penetration has nothing to do WHO you want doing the penetrating.

That’s like telling a totally straight guy who enjoys pegging (getting fucked with a strap on) with his girlfriend that he should go try dudes.

Or telling a gay guy who likes anal sex (as the “top,” putting his dick in the butthole) that he should try chicks because they have assholes too. Or a pussy. I mean a hole is a hole, is it not?

Yet ironically, there are some straight women AND gay men who don’t care for penetration. What we call sexual orientation refers to who we are sexually attracted to, but what we enjoy DOING with those partners is a distinct preference.

Edited: November 16th, 2013

Why I Love Making Porn

When I was a kid, I knew when I grew up I wanted to do something I loved. Something that felt natural and fulfilling, that made a difference in people’s lives. At various times I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, psychologist, music therapist, social worker, high school music teacher, researcher and college professor. I either grew out of those desires, or I got jobs along the path to those careers and felt something was missing.

I’m smart. I have degrees. I know I could do most anything I want in the world. But surprisingly sex work, in the way I’ve created my career, feels more natural than anything else I’ve tried. To me, it is fulfilling. Because I believe that it helps people on a deep, intimate, and even profound level. Yet in some ways, I feel fairly alone in this sentiment. I only hire girls who enjoy their work, yet for most of them it is still a temporary job (though overall, a fun one). I’m inspired by women like Nina Hartley, Tristan Taormino & Carol Queen – women who have directed (and some starred) in porn because they believe it has the power to change people’s sex lives for the better. But they’re not in my social circle (yet).

But here’s an excerpt from an amazing article written by a dominatrix who shares my love for sex work. If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to do my work – she’s articulated it to a T:

In any aspect of the adult industry… you, as a worker, are dealing with people’s feelings on a very, very intimate level. In fetish work, because of all the shame involved, the number of feelings and the level of intimacy is increased….

My work is usually about one part sexual, two parts emotional. I give a lot to my clients, and I love them all for the hour I’m in the room with them [For me, the 5-10 minutes I'm on camera for a clip]. It’s beautiful to see them overcome their fears and all the things they’ve been told about what sex and sexuality should be and let go completely. I love seeing the smiles on their faces [receiving their emails] when they leave refreshed after a session [after they've masturbated to a clip or 10], I feel like I’m making a genuine difference in the world.

My position as a healer and a therapist becomes more apparent and also dearer to me when I’m most depressed. It’s cheesy, but doing these weird little good deeds for others really does make me feel better.

Of course, my motives aren’t entirely altruistic, I’d never do this for free [well, I'd do some of what I do for free, but I lack the opportunity for some of it without porn], but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m doing good things for people and it’s incredibly fulfilling. I’m not sure why it’s so very difficult for people to understand this. A lot of civilians tend to write off what I do as just sex, with a dismissive, “Wow, you must be a nymphomaniac or something” and then when I explain that I don’t sleep with my clients unless I’m doing it in the most literal sense, they become confused. “You aren’t actually into all that weird stuff, are you?” No, I’m not into all of it, but I’m definitely into helping people accept and explore the weird stuff they’re into.

Sex work may not be a substitute for therapy, but for me it is certainly very therapeutic. It confuses me when I’m told that my soul is being slowly crushed when I’m encouraging others to blossom, because as I nourish them by fulfilling fantasies that, in many cases, they’ve been taught to believe were wrong, bad, or disgusting, I’m nourishing myself. I see, in a very real way, that there is good in the world and that I’m capable of creating that good.

Edited: November 8th, 2013

Is BDSM Healthy?

A new study says yes!

And I agree. I believe its important for us to experience our desires in some way, so long as everyone involved is enjoying themselves. Even if those desires are a little weird, dark or dirty.

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Edited: August 21st, 2013

Obsessive Fantasies About My Sister-In-Law

Ever want someone you can’t have? Perhaps take it a bit too far? Maybe you can relate to this guy’s situation:

Over the past two years I have developed kind of an unhealthy obsession with my sis-in-law. I’ve always been attracted to her, but it’s gotten to a point where I share G-rated pics of her with guys online and jerk off with them while we say anything we want about her. Just wondering what your thoughts might be on this. I have been spending way too much time doing this, and not sure it’s entirely healthy for me.

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Edited: July 23rd, 2013

Help My Wife Become More Dominant

Sometimes its fun to switch ‘roles’…

Question via Tumblr:

I would love to have some information about getting my very submissive wife to become more dominate. She loves to be dominated, but I feel kind of left out in the context of I always feel like I am doing all the instigation. Does that make sense? She says she is willing to try but does not know where to start.

Being dominant can feel kind of scary to one who’s never done it before. Before I started making porn, I never had a sexual experience as a true dominant – only times my husband would be ‘aggressively’ submissive to me, so I still actually felt like the submissive one even while technically domming him.

I primarily learned by watching femdom pornclips4sale is a great place to start. Browse the site with your wife (or have her do it on her own) to find a domme she can identify with. A woman whose look, attitude, & scenarios are appealing to her, as there are many styles of domination. Watch and copy.’s female domination sites are worth checking out if you’re both into something more extreme, though their particular genre of domination may be a bit much for a newbie. Reading BDSM erotica can help with the feeling & mindset as well – power exchange IS primarily an emotional-psychological game.

It can also be helpful to communicate to your wife specific acts or scenarios where you’d like her to take the lead. Just because you want to be submissive doesn’t mean she has to run the show 100%. Any sexual encounter is give-and-take – so especially learning something new you’ll have to give her lots of feedback. Even dirty talking while having ‘vanilla’ sex or masturbating together can be helpful – my husband and I often do this when we’re exploring something new but aren’t quite ready to try it yet.

There are also how-to books & video guides out there. SM 101 by Jay Wiseman is a popular one that I’ve read. Its more aimed at ‘lifestyle’ BDSM than occasional home play, and in my opinion seemed a little dungeons-and-dragons about the ‘rules’ of play – but gave me a lot of ideas regardless. I haven’t seen any instructional videos myself, so I can’t make any recommendations, but browse around and see if any of these appeal to you two.

Whether you watch porn, read erotica, instructional books or videos – doing it together can spark great conversation about your likes & dislikes, any insecurities that need to be addressed (i.e., fear of hurting you, going too far, etc.), and give you a guide on which to base your initial play sessions. Learning together can be a really hot & fun experience in itself – and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourselves when it doesn’t go as planned. Sex is all about fun, intimacy & pleasure – whatever you two choose to do – so stay lighthearted and enjoy the process of exploring a new side of yourselves together.

Edited: July 19th, 2013

I Have This Fetish… How Do I NOT Sound Like a Pervert?

How can you ask someone to fulfill your fetish or fantasy?

Question via Tumblr:

Hi Kelsey. There is a girl at my gym who has the nicest ass and would love to smell and lick her sweaty ass after one of her workouts. How would I ask her without sounding like a pervert?

I don’t think you CAN’T NOT sound like a pervert asking that question. Think about it from her perspective. You’re a perfect stranger who’s been watching her at the gym. She may or may not know you exist. Even if she thinks the idea is hot, I’d estimate 9.5 out of 10 women wouldn’t want to do it with a complete stranger. Even one night stands aren’t usually with perfect strangers – they at least spend a couple hours getting to know each other at a bar or party.

Simply approaching a stranger to fulfill your fetish won’t typically work. There has to be rapport, comfort, AND they have to get something out of the situation as well.

What you could do is approach her to hang out & hook up in a ‘normal’ way… Then once you’ve broken the ice, you can go to the gym together and have sex right after – smell & lick her ass as a part of it if she’s down. Also be sure to ask what she enjoys and give it to her. Focus on giving her a great time and she’ll be much more likely to want to please you in return.

Edited: June 5th, 2013

What’s Your Deepest Desire?

Lately I’ve been thinking about desire… that feeling of wanting. Craving things, people, experiences that aren’t currently here. Now.

And I thought of a quote by poet Rumi, “The longing is the answer.”

Its so easy to get down on ourselves and our lives when we don’t have what we want. But it always happens: when we get there, we start wanting something ELSE!

Is the answer to stop desiring altogether? Well that doesn’t sound like fun. But you know, what makes an orgasm great isn’t simply getting off. Its the build up. The anticipation. The pleasure along the way is not only what leads to the orgasm – its half the enjoyment!

What do YOU desire? Really, really, reeeaaallllyyy crave? What does it feel like? And why is that feeling important if you want to actually get it?

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Edited: June 1st, 2013

What’s a Cuckold Fetish? Interview With Jimmy Broadway

The cuckold fetish is basically where the woman (in a ‘straight’ couple) openly has sex with other men.

It goes in reverse too, where the guy openly has sex with other women – called a cuckquean fetish (this term definitely could apply to my relationship!).

I often encountered the cuckold fetish when I worked on webcam. I enjoyed roleplaying, but I always wondered how this could work in “real life.” Many of the men I worked with fantasized about their woman taking their money, their dignity and sometimes only being allowed to eat other men’s semen from their woman’s pussy with no other sexual contact. Not all men took it to this extreme, but it was more common than I would have expected.

Obviously we don’t bring ALL our fantasies to life, but I’ve got several emails in my inbox from guys wanting to know how to get their woman to ‘cuckold’ them.

Curious myself, I asked fetish video producer Jimmy Broadway to join me on the podcast. Jimmy is co-owner of and frequently films cuckold fetish films. Jimmy is intimately familiar with the fantasy AND reality of cuckold relationships – how to make it work, and how it can go wrong.

Hear us talk about -

- Why are guys turned on by their woman fucking another guy?
- What role does bisexuality play?
- What are the risks of the cuckold relationship? What can go right, and what could go wrong?
- How can a couple safely explore the cuckold fantasy?
- What’s the #1 most important element of a happy cuckold relationship?

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Edited: May 4th, 2013

My Wife’s Bisexual – How Do We Open Up Our Relationship?

When one partner is bisexual, its common to desire an open relationship in one way or another.

Question via Tumblr:

Hey Kelsey, we’ve listened to your cast for a few months now and really enjoy the perspective you bring to sex and relationships. Now the question: where do we go from here? The “here” being our relationship. My wife of 22 years is highly probably bi. We have a great sex life, full of communication and fun. She is rather disturbed by the possibility of being bi as she has to date not had a girl /girl play date. I believe I would be all for a 3 way with another female.

I believe I’d be ok with her having a female fwb even if I wasn’t involved. Naturally I would like to be involved, either participate, watch, see pix or at min hear abt the encounters. She (and I to be truthful) fear that opening our relationship this much is courting disaster. We have 5 kids and a fantastic life and dont want to destroy it. We are somewhat kinky and think this would super fun. Added problem. I found a female who is 10 years older than us I think would be perfect.

The female in question has been a friend of ours for many years. The lady works with me. She and I have talked about it and Im reasonably sure she is up for it if the situation were to be constructed properly. So, is the co worker a bad plan? Is the whole thing a bad plan?

Its normal to be nervous and scared to take a new step in your relationship, especially opening up to a third party. However since its your wife’s desires that are in question here, she needs to be the one initiating the action. You can encourage her, but you cannot take that step for her. It may be hard for you to be in her shoes, since obviously you know you like women. Why WOULDN’T she want to have a pussy in her face?

But exploring the same gender can take some easing in. Girl-girl sex is a whole new ball game (well, a no-ball-game) from sex with a guy. Its like losing one’s virginity all over again, learning what to do with a woman’s body, and most of all – getting comfortable with feeling and acting on those same-sex desires.

Whenever it comes to opening up a ‘straight’ relationship, I always suggest the woman take the lead. She needs to find someone SHE is comfortable with.

I’d definitely stay away from your co-worker, at least to start. Its better to begin with someone neutral or a friend/acquaintance of hers. The co-worker is primarily YOUR friend. You see her every day and your wife does not. Were you to participate, watch, or even just hear about their exploits, its building your attraction to your co-worker. Then because you’re with her far more than your wife — its an uneven situation. Far more potential for jealousy (on your wife’s part) and you to develop feelings for your co-worker (and potential to ACT on those feelings without your wife) that could jeopardize your marriage.

It sounds like you’re a super supportive husband, which is awesome because (believe it or not) some guys are threatened by a woman’s bisexuality. But it seems like you’re getting ahead of yourself. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with Terry picking out a woman for us to play with, and that’s pretty common. I’ve encountered many couples new to swinging & open relationships where the guy is pushing for the situation and the woman isn’t ready. It never works out well. I’d suggest letting your wife explore on her own first, on her own time – whether its in the next few weeks, months, or even years. Then allow her to invite you into that part of her sexuality when she’s ready.

Both of you can check out the book The Ethical Slut – I read this when I started exploring my bisexuality and desire for open relationships, found it very helpful. I’ve also heard Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is good but I haven’t read it myself.

Edited: April 22nd, 2013

Lolita Style – Fashion or Fetish?

<h2>I recently did a porn shoot dressed in what’s called <b><i>Lolita fashion</b></i>.</h2>


Kelsey Obsession in Lolita Dress

Kelsey Obsession in Lolita Dress

This style is popular among young women in Japan.  Lolita fashion is somewhat controversial because – its adult women dressing like little girls – and somehow that means they’re appealing to pedophiles. Never mind they’re fully grown adults. These are not underage prepubescent children whose mothers dressed them. They’re adult women who chose these clothes themselves. Aside from those considering themselves asexual, women are sexual beings.  Thus, the women who put on these outfits – I’ll call them Lolitas – are sexual too. But last I checked, people who are sexually aroused by children are indeed looking for children. Not grown women.  Just like the adult baby fetish/lifestyle isn’t about babies.

From my understanding, the community largely tries to divorce itself from sexuality due to claims of pedophilia. But realistically, I can’t believe sexuality doesn’t come into play in SOME way – much like for furries. Furry fandom is a subculture of people who relate better to animals than people. Sometimes they dress up like animals in ‘fur suits.’ If someone sees themselves as a furry  and they’re are a sexual person – wouldn’t it make sense that identity would be part of their sexuality too? I once met a furry (in plain clothes) who told me that it wasn’t ABOUT sex, but sex can certainly be part of it. I can’t imagine Lolita culture is that different.


Furry Convention

Furry Convention

But of course, not everyone wants to display their sexuality so publicly. That’s fine. But I do!

I posted some pictures on Tumblr and tagged them with Lolita-related terms. Why? Because I’m people who are attracted to Lolitas probably search for it on Tumblr. Its called marketing. While they’re probably NOT appealing to pedophiles, there are undoubtedly guys (and girls like me) who are sexually attracted to Lolitas. I imagine Lolitas must date and have relationships – its their boyfriends (or girlfriends) who would be looking for my content! Just like BBW Nicole’s boyfriend told me, the first thing he ever did on the internet was search for ‘fat girl porn.’ Shocking. Furthermore, if men with pedophiliac fantasies ARE searching for Lolita fashion pics – if their desires can be quenched by grown women dressed youthfully, wouldn’t that be better than creeping on pics of kids in bathing suits online? (Be careful what you post, parents.)

I received several angry messages from – presumably – women in this virtual community.  All anomymously, of course.  When I replied that they can block NSFW blogs like mine from their timelines, I received a response back that said:

IT’S NOT THE FACT THAT YOUR IMAGE IS NSFW, It’s the fact that this fashion has be continuously mislabeled by people like yourself to represent a sexual thing! We are constantly having to correct people about the style not having anything to do with sex! Your image is further mislabeling our style because you decided to make it sexual and further misleading people while you yourself, have no actual knowledge of the clothing or it’s history!

I’m not sure where the writer is from, but I live in a country of free expression. I purchased my dress online like anyone else. I was not required to sign an agreement not to use this clothing in a sexual context. Nor does one need to have knowledge of a style to wear it (though I follow several Lolita blogs and am somewhat familiar with the culture). Fashion is like art – it changes with context and continually evolves. There are no rules. I don’t represent anyone but me. And this is how I choose to express myself.

I am an almost 30 year-old woman. I enjoy playing dress up. In the same way I like getting ready for raves, applying brightly colored makeup and glitter, carefully choosing my slutty outfit and putting on my leash and collar (which I often wear at parties). Just like senior prom, getting ready is half the fun.

It could be called fetishistic, being a “girly girl,” or a sexualized form of cosplay.  It doesn’t matter. I just plain like it. I even wore the outfit eating dinner with our neighbors after the shoot.

Yet of course, it is sexual – for me. In the realm of what’s called ‘age play.’ Actually ACTING childish can be part of it, but isn’t necessary and wasn’t a big part of the shoot. I enjoy the mental turn on of being a young inexperienced yet naturally dirty girlwho may want some guidance from an older guy. It probably comes from feeling sexual at a young age yet being very confused and scared of it. Sometimes I fantasize Terry is some older teenage neighbor who gives me a safe space to explore my body.  I’ve never been molested and do not endorse adult-chlid sexual relations (though its ‘normal’ in some cultures like in Paupa New Guinea). Its called a fantasy.  Similar, in some ways, to the adult baby ‘fetish’/lifestyle. I got very into the role, and it was my favorite shoot so far.

I find this fascinating.  I get that Lolitas feel the need to defend their form self-expression. Yet trying to police MY form of expression so they can have theirs is beyond ironic.  Telling me not to use certain tags, post pictures, or even wear the clothes altogether.  I’d imagine people say the exact same to them all the time.

We’re either free to be or we aren’t. Can’t have it both ways. There’s a lot on the internet I don’t like.  Neo Nazi websites, gay-bashing sites, pro ana sites, not to mention a wealth of poorly produced porn I find horribly distasteful. Yet they exist under the same freedom as does this site.  So I choose not to look at content I don’t want to see.

I understand what its like to be judged. I get shit all the time about my choices. Strangers on the internet, people I know, even some very close to me. Behind my back and right to my face. I could complain about how nobody respects sex work, whine about how they should change their perspective or behavior – but I have no power over them. Their words may sting, sometimes downright hurt, but that comes with choices others don’t understand. I’m fortunate to have people in my life who get me and support what I do. I can’t change anyone. All I can do is grow to the point where their words have less impact.

I’m a lot happier being me, despite the shit sometimes hurled my way. And the more secure I am in myself, the less I even notice it. As long as nobody’s well-being is harmed, as long as we’re preserving others’ ability to be free in their way, I always say: have at it.

Edited: March 10th, 2013

Cop on Trial for Cannibalism Fetish?

Cannibal fetish is a new one to me… Fantasize all you want, but ethics come into play when fantasy turns reality.

‘Cannibal Cop’ Trial Begins…:

Valle is charged with conspiring to abduct dozens of women for the purpose of cooking them alive and cannibalizing them. The 28-year-old is also accused of using a police database to target potential victims.

Caught at the center of the case is the adult fetish website, where 38,000 registered members discuss their girl-grubbing fantasies and recipes.

Valle’s now estranged wife, Kathleen Mangan, stumbled upon the website last year when she discovered her husband was downloading images from the site and participating in online conversations about cannibalism.

“It was porn. It was disturbing,” Mangan testified today about “I know S&M is popular with ‘Shades of Grey, but this was different.”

According to, Mangan went on to describe the violent fantasies Valle had expressed in his online chats.

“I was going to be tied up by my feet and my throat slit, and they were going to watch the blood drain out of me,” Mangan said. “The suffering was for his enjoyment, and he wanted to make it last as long as possible.”

Valle was arrested in October when an FBI investigation lead to the discovery of a list of potential victims on his computer, some of whom were picked out of a law enforcement database and others who were known to Valle in some other capacity.

Assistant U.S. Attorney Random Jackson stressed to the jury during opening statements that, “Gilbert Valle was very serious about these plans.”

Defense attorney Julia Gatto countered by pointing out that “You can’t convict people for their thoughts, even if they’re sick.”

The defense attorney is right. Could having a list of possible victims simply be a part of his fantasies? Sure. But given some were allegedly chosen from a “law enforcement database” – seems to me like he was actually planning a crime.

I don’t care if the thought of killing, cooking and eating people turns you on. Talk about it, fantasize about it, even roleplay it. But doing it crosses moral and ethical boundaries. If its just a fantasy, cool. Reality? Not so much.

Edited: March 3rd, 2013

How to Bring Fetish Into Your Sex Life

You may enjoy a sexual fetish on your own, but how do you bring it to life with your partner?

Hear the answer to this question in my interview with Dr. Fran of I interviewed Dr. Fran several weeks ago about her experience going from Roman Catholic nun to sex therapist. Dr. Fran invited me onto her podcast to share all about fetish, how I became a fetish porn star, and how couples can explore their fantasies and fetishes together.

On a mobile device? Click to listen.

Edited: December 29th, 2012

The Psychological Origin of Fantasy

Often sexual fantasy emerges from situations or feelings we experience in life, whether sexually or non-sexually.

Many balloon fetishists remember an early fondness for balloons at birthday parties. A man caught masturbating as a child enjoys masturbation instruction videos, that make him feel ‘okay’ about jerking off. A power hungry CEO craves wearing a diaper and being changed, to completely give up the control he’s accustomed to.

The psychological origin of our fantasies doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them or us, even if our fantasies emerged from something not-so-great in our lives. Fantasy can be a way of dealing with it, and even when the original pain or trauma has subsided, we can still enjoy the fantasy as just that – fantasy.

I spent most my life trying to fit myself into a mold made by others, consciously cutting off parts of myself that didn’t fit. One could say I have “power issues.” There is a very dominant part of me – a woman who wants to be in charge, to tell people what to do, to have them obey, and sometimes to punish when they don’t – probably because I felt powerless much of my life. Because my wants and needs were never at the forefront of my life, and now I want to demand them.

At the same time, I have a VERY submissive side. This can sometimes be seen on camera, though I more often express this at home. I’m used to doing what people tell me, though I hate it in “real life,” a part of me eroticizes it. Submitting without having to think, without having to assert myself, simply receiving whatever comes. So instead of living my WHOLE life based on others’ desires, I express this need through a portion of my sexuality. I have extremely submissive fantasies sometimes, and when the time is right, I will do almost anything Terry wants.

When I enact these ‘power issues’ in my sexuality, the rest of my life seems to go much more smoothly. I’m less bitchy, because I have people listening to me, and I can express my opinions in a more socially conducive way. I stand up for myself more, because I have a space where I don’t have to stand up at all.

When I downplay the dom/sub aspect of my sexuality, I unthinkingly do what people tell me, am unhappy, and take it out on those closest to me.

Had I grown up different, would I still be into domination & submission? Had I lived life how I want it from the beginning, would I feel the need for taking and giving up control? Who knows? But does it hurt anyone if I play this way? No. In fact, I believe it helps my partners (IRL or virtually on webcam) fulfill their needs for power – or lack thereof.

I always say to do whatever you want sexually, so long as you’re not (unconsensually) hurting anyone. The flip side is – if you DON’T do what you want, you may be hurting yourself… and perhaps, unintentionally, you may be hurting those around you.

What do you think?

Edited: December 16th, 2012

Can Fetish Go Too Far?

When should someone seek psychological help for their fetish or fantasy?

A man wrote in and asked:

I was wondering if their are any fetishes that you would recommend seeking out psychological help for? I have a mouth and smell fetish that makes me not really want to have normal sex. I just want to smell women and kiss them. Kissing a girl gets me off very quickly. I find it very difficult to meet a woman willing to meet these standards because I don’t really want a girlfriend only to have someone that I trust not be able to fulfill these fetishes. This is very difficult and it makes me very depressed. How can I help this situation?

Can fetish go “too far”? How can fetishes work in a relationship where two people have different desires?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: December 2nd, 2012

How to Be More Dominant if You’re on the Submissive Side

What happens when both partners are more submissive?

My boyfriend and I have great sexual chemistry and things have been going really well both inside and outside of the bedroom, but there’s one small issue: we’re both on the sexually submissive side. Though it is not usually an issue, it is clear that we’d both prefer being with someone more sexually dominant than ourselves. I would like to try and see if I have it in me to be more dominant in the bedroom because I know he would really like that, but I have no idea how! I would really appreciate some tips on how to take charge in the bedroom. Thanks.

Here’s what Em and Lo have to say:

You don’t have to be dressed in head-to-toe pleather, wielding a riding crop and saying things like “You’ve been a bad, bad boy” to embrace your inner dom. Here are five simple things you can do — with or without props — that don’t require a lot of emoting on your part:

(1) Tie him up. This is domination 101. By restraining him, you make him a slave to your sexual will. After you tie him up, you don’t even have to do anything that kinky, just hop on and enjoy yourself, even if that means nice, face-holding lurve-making…

(2) Blindfold him. This is another BDSM basic. By impairing his vision, you make him more vulnerable…

(3) Take his voice. You could gag him, but that can be a bit tricky (safety-wise) and uncomfortable. Just tell him he’s not allowed to say anything during your session, and if he does, you get to spank him (on only the fleshy part of his bum, not too hard)….By the way, it’s good to agree on a safeword beforehand that he can use in case he needs to tell you that something is uncomfortable or have you stop…

(4) Play “Dominant Says.” He’s only allowed to do what you tell him to do: from taking off his clothes to touching you, from going slower to going faster, etc…

(5) Make him your foreplay love slave. You don’t need to make him do your laundry or scrub your floors — that just seems rude. But why not make him do a little dirty work before getting it on: have him bathe you, shampoo you, towel you off, moisturize you, dress you in your best lingerie (or whatever), brush your hair… Hell, you could even make him give you a foot massage!

Even if domination doesn’t come naturally to you, exploring the ‘other side’ can be erotic. If you’re both submissive, take turns and make it a game to explore domination. It can be tons of fun to try something new – even if you feel silly. And being in charge of your partner’s pleasure can help you understand and connect with your partner on a deeper level.

Edited: November 4th, 2012

Is Women’s Sexuality More Open Than Men’s?

Psychologist Lisa Diamond finds that women’s sexuality is more “fluid.” No, I don’t mean having a wet pussy…

In her 2008 book, “Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire,” she writes that women’s sexuality appears to be much more fluid than men’s, and that this fluidity tends to involve three main characteristics:

– Non-exclusivity in attractions: can find either gender sexually attractive
– Changes in attractions: can suddenly find a man or woman sexually attractive after having been in a long-term relationship with the other
– Attraction to the person, not the gender

Research seems to support the idea that some women are able to move between relationships with both genders without blinking an eye – and that labels matter little.

Maybe the lesson here is that love and lust are about people, not about labels – and I think that can only be a good thing.

This very much describes my sexuality, not just about the gender I’m attracted to, but the wide variety of sexual fantasies and acts that turn me on.

But this phenomenon could also be because lesbianism and bisexuality are more socially acceptable for women than men, so men may be less likely to openly pursue same-sex relationships even if they feel attracted. On webcam, I often talk to men who have a “forced bisexual” fantasy, where we roleplay that I force them to suck cock or take it up the ass — and they like it.

Are women more open about their sexual preferences than men? What do you think?

Edited: September 16th, 2012

Turning Fantasy Into Reality

Do you have a fantasy you’ve been dying to try, but your partner isn’t into it? Or are you scared they’ll turn you down?

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: August 25th, 2012

Why Do We Enjoy Kinky Fetish Sex?

Where do kinky fetish sex fantasies come from? Why do we enjoy the taboo?

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: August 12th, 2012

Mind Over Matter: Making Your Fetish into Mine, or What its Like to Star in Fetish + Fart Porn

As a model, director, and producer of fetish and fart porn, I often must act as if I’m aroused by something that I’m, well, generally not.

Its a test of the mind, one I enjoy taking. Contrary to stereotypically bad mainstream porn, with a model who’s barely even pretending she likes it, I fully admit I’m often acting in my films, in one respect or another. I don’t pretend to eat farts in my everyday life, but I do a great job on camera. Or so my fans say. Know what? I’m not really a giantess either – I’m only 5′ tall (or short).

To produce quality clips, I have to get into the mindset of someone with the fetish. The more experience I have with any fetish, the better my videos; if I’m not there, they come across awkward, empty, hollow. The best clips are when I’m able to get myself turned on, when I understand the fetish and can act so well that I feel it in my body. I can tell when I’m filming, whether or not I’m ‘on.’ When I watch these clips later, they turn ME on, even when its not my ‘thing.’ I fully believe my own performance. These are also the best selling.

Two ridiculous stereotypes propagated not only in the mainstream media, but also by certain doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, sex therapists, sex coaches, and particularly tantric practitioners – that adult models are damaging their own sexuality and psyche by performing for others’ sexual needs, and that fetish in and of itself is perverse and detracts from “normal” sexual functioning. Sure, these can be true.

But in my case, its the opposite. Making fetish porn has dramatically improved my sex life. First, its shown me that my own “abnormal” desires are perfectly fine. Normal, even, in that we’re all weirdos in our own way. Trying to push those fantasies away made me obsess over them, over what was wrong with me and how I could get rid of them. I still have those fantasies, but they’re not so shamefully consuming. They’re available when I want, and I can set them aside when I don’t.

Second, by freeing up this crippling shame, I now have the energy to actually feel good during “regular” sex. If I can learn how to sexualize a fart, I can certainly learn to enjoy having my pussy licked, something I couldn’t really say 5 years ago that I absolutely love now.

I welcome almost any opportunity to stretch my erotic imagination. Why shouldn’t I? Why should we be so scared to explore, when there’s a sexual circus out there waiting for us to come play?

Edited: April 29th, 2012

Breaking News: Women Like Sex Too!

Are Women More Sexually Adventurous Than Men?”

“Women have for so long been constructed in our society as prudes who restrict the sexual expression of their male partners, and I think this survey shows that, in our sample of women, that just isn’t the case.”

So what do they want to try? Well, here are some common Female Sexual Fantasies:
1. Sex with a stranger. In a 2001 study published by The Journal of Sex Research, 80 percent of partnered women said they had fantasized about someone other than their partner during sex in the previous two months. Why? Because, while sex within the context of monogamy can be totally hot, it’s hard to replicate the intensity of the initial chase. Fantasizing about someone new is a way of recalling how fantastic it felt to be so obviously pursued.
1. Being dominant in bed. While it may seem counterintuitive for a woman to want to take charge when what they’re really craving is the feeling of being desired, the dominatrix scenario actually revolves around the man worshipping the woman’s body, and begging her for attention.
2. Exhibitionism. In this scenario, a woman not only gets to enjoy sex with her partner, but also gets to enjoy the knowledge that someone else (or several someones?) is feeling aroused by watching her in action.
3. Being sexually ravaged. Sometimes known as rape fantasy, this particular desire is not necessarily what you think. How many spicy hot movie scenes have you enjoyed in which the man pushed the woman up against the wall, forcing a kiss upon her? The thought of a man so bursting with desire is an undeniably a turn on for some women.
4. Enjoying a threesome. Being worshipped and adored by two different men — or a man and a woman — can be twice as nice.

I regularly fantasize about all of the above… except no strangers. Instead, its an occasional fling with my boyfriend’s friend(s) (yes, he knows I do this).

Edited: October 28th, 2011

From Fantasy to Reality

This was written a couple weeks ago:

I’m in the process of writing a guide on how to play with fetishes, and it occurred to me one day that I should follow my own advice.  I pulled out my journal and wrote down a few of my most frequent sexual fantasies.  Most I’ve dabbled with but haven’t quite made come to life yet in the way I want.  I made a short list with bullet points of what turned me on and why.  As I looked over my list, I decided it was time to really indulge one of the oldest fantasies on the list – being a submissive, tied up and forced to be pleasured in the way I want.  And then ravaged however he wants.


I ran the general idea by my boyfriend.  “How do you feel about having a date night where I’m your slave?”  I fumbled my way around describing my idea, because even though I knew he’d be down, I was nervous.  Talking is the first step to making it real, and I haven’t made it fully real yet because I’ve been uncomfortable with my own desires.  I told him I’d like if I played the role the entire night and I came up with things for him to make me do in advance (that way he’d know how I want to be submissive, and he wouldn’t have to guess).  He loves my dirty mind, and of course agreed.  Over the next few days, my perverted brain dreamed up different scenarios and evaluated them in terms of my comfort, the logistics of making it happen, and my own ability to communicate what I want.  A day or two before our date night, I told him the basics of what I want: he puts my leash and collar on me, picks out clothes for me to wear out, we go out to eat and he picks out what I have, and then we come home, he ties me up, and plays with my pussy.  I should record myself talking like this sometime, because it certainly didn’t come out as clear as I’ve written it.  I want you readers to understand that this communication thing isn’t easy for me, just like it isn’t easy for almost everyone else I’ve been with.


So date night rolls around, and I’m still stuffed from my sister’s birthday lunch.  I can adapt.  He’s hungry though.  And I just realized I don’t have enough rope to tie all of my limbs up the way I want.  I suggest the following: how about he leashes and dresses me up, takes me out to the sex shop to buy under-the-bed restraints, and then we come back and play.  His response was – (a) he’s hungry so when’s the eating going to happen, and (b) he’s not so sure about going to the sex store with my leash.  He’d be fine doing that at a bar or a party, but not at a store.  I counter that going out in public is part of the fantasy, but he’s just not feeling it.  Okay fine, I’m adaptable.  I sat on the couch in silence for a few minutes and came up with some scenarios we could do just at home.  I tell him this, and he shares an idea of his own – how about he makes dinner for himself while I make donut dough (we just got a deep fryer and we’re on a donut-making kick. highly recommended), which has been his “job” up until now.  Then when we’re done, we can fry up the donuts together and enjoy.  Yum.


So together we build the plot for my fantasy.  First we’ll go to the sex shop as “regular” people to get the supplies I want.  When we get home he’ll put on my leash and lead me crawling around the house.  I want him to pick out something sexy to wear and make me do something sexual to set the mood.  I leave that up to him – sucking his dick, licking his feet or his ass, putting my jewel butt plug in my ass, whatever.  Then we’ll move to the kitchen, where he’ll me how to make the donuts, since I don’t actually know how.  Ooh, I get to obey orders.  Yay.  I have to ask him permission to go to the bathroom and get a drink of water.  And when he’s done eating, he’ll take me into the bedroom, restrain me, and have at it.


We got the basics down, but next I had to tell him what I wanted to happen once I was tied up.  Here’s been the challenge for me — I have crazy fantasies, but I never fantasize about receiving pleasure.  Its all the build up and the general scenario, but because I rarely orgasm from interacting with other people, its hard to imagine what would make me feel good.  Actually, its the other way around – because I don’t see myself getting pleasure from other people, I don’t get it.  That’s what this night is about – forcing myself to be in the position where I have to receive.


I give him a general rundown of what I want, but basically say to try playing with my pussy in different ways and seeing how I react.  I want him to start off light and teasing (I LOVE being teased) and build up to fingering me or eating my pussy.  I’d love if he had me restrained and then left me there by myself for a little bit, so I wouldn’t know when he was coming back.  I tell him not to fuck my pussy because there’s a chance I may be fertile right now and I don’t want to take the risk.  Now, I have no idea how this will go.  It could be amazing or it could be horrible.  However, I want to keep character regardless, so I give myself an out.  If/when I’m over it at some point, I’ll say switch and I’ll do whatever he wants me to do.  That way we both get off to my being submissive.


And so it begins.  We go to the sex shop and buy under-the-bed restraints and, on a whim, a ball gag.  I brought up the idea, but apparently he’d imagined me baking wearing a ball gag.  Great minds think alike, right?


We get home and prepare for the night, setting up the restraints and trying out the ball gag.  Its actually too big for my head, so he plays around with it, experimenting with making it smaller.  He’s great at Macgyvering things up.


So now its time to actually begin.  He tightens the leash around my neck, and walks me into the bedroom.  He picks out my white fishnet dress, pink thong panties that make my ass look amazing (he’s got an ass fetish himself), and pink and white knee socks.  I’m nervous and I put on the clothes he’s chosen.  “You’re so fucking sexy,” he says, as he pulls his dick out and tells me to suck it.  I take it in my mouth and suck.  So far I don’t feel much different than I normally would giving a blowjob – a bit distracted, somewhat aroused, trying to focus on what’s right in front of me.  But I go with it (I DO love sucking his dick).  After a couple minutes he starts unbuttoning his pants.  What’s he doing?  Is he going to fuck my ass right now?  The not-knowing brings me into the moment and I start feeling it.  He steps back to pull his dick out of my mouth, turns around and pulls his pants down.  “Lick my ass,” he orders, bending over slightly.  I scooch myself up higher on my knees to reach.  Before licking, I press my nostrils against his asshole and inhale.  It smells like him, like a dirty, funky, sweaty version of his body aroma.  Scents are an evolutionary turn-on, you know.  We’re attracted to people who smell different from our families to ensure genetic diversity.  Obviously that doesn’t always work out, but he and I must have quite different genes because his smell is intoxicating to me.  I run my tongue around the edges of his asshole.  My tongue flicks the opening to his hole, and I stick my tongue in just enough that I can taste the almost metallic flavor of the smooth lining of the anal canal.


He’s had enough, refastening his pants.  He tells me to stand up and leads me into our kitchen.  At first I wish he made me crawl in there, but then I remember we have tile floor that hasn’t been cleaned in god knows how long, so I go with it.  He hooks the end of my leash to one of the arm restraints he’d attached earlier and says nobody is allowed to touch it except him.  There’s nobody else here, but I suddenly feel like his property and my heart begins to pound harder.  He tells me how to make the donuts, and tells me to wipe off the counter when I’m done.  We hadn’t discussed that, and I’m surprised that the idea of cleaning for him is turning me on.  Normally I like things being clean, but I hate cleaning.  I’m a perfectionist, and whenever I try I never feel like its good enough, so why bother?  But now I have to clean for somebody else.  Its not about my unrealistic standards.  Its about him.


He starts to make his dinner, and I remind him to gag me up.  Reminding him kills the mood for me momentarily, but its all good.  I go with the flow.  Now I can’t talk, so as I mix up the ingredients I have to use hand motions to ask questions.  Drool is spilling down my chin, though not into the dough.  Not that I’d really care.  My mind is distracted, thinking about work, my family, something on TV yesterday – regular things I’d normally ponder while cooking.  I keep reminding myself that this is my fantasy, that I’m making these donuts FOR HIM.  It helps me stay present and over time I remind myself less and less.  I’m becoming his slave.


He’s becoming my master too.  He starts talking to me like we normally would while in the kitchen, about something political – I don’t even remember what.  I make noises in response, but can’t say anything and nor do I want to.  I start feeling annoyed that he’s talking to me like normal, but realize I didn’t tell him not to so I can’t be upset.  And even if I did, so what?  A one-sided conversation doesn’t last that long anyway, and he quiets down after he finishes his story.  Next time, I think to myself, I’ll tell him the only things he should say to me are orders, compliments, complimentary insults (slut), and anything sexual.  I refocus on the task at hand – making him donuts, and I come back to the present.


When I finish the dough, I wipe up the area of the counter he told me to clean.  And I’m surprisingly enjoying it.  I’m enjoying being his kitchen slave so much I clean up the stove and another section of the counter he didn’t ask.  At this point he’s done cooking and is sitting down on the couch in front of the TV, eating.  With slobber dripping down my chin, I rub the grease and grime off the stove, thinking to myself how I’m cleaning for my master.  I think to myself that maybe we should try this more often, and I’ll get my pussy excited and a clean house.  Who knew I could have both from the same activity?  I see that I don’t mind housework, as long as its appreciated.  And the promise of pussy play definitely shows me appreciation.  :)


When I’m done I walk into the living room, wishing I’d told him to instruct my every move.  I kneel down on the floor in front of him, watching him eat.  I motion with my head to the bathroom, and he asks if I have to go #1 or #2.  I hold up 1 finger.  He asks how bad I have to go.  I shrug my shoulders.  I want to go before we start playing with my pussy, but I can wait.  He says I have to wait then, that he wants it to feel really good when I finally go.  I’m on the floor kneeling on my legs, and I’m in my role.  Even though I don’t have to go that bad, knowing I can’t is making me horny.  I start rocking back and forth, stimulating my inner pussy muscles and clit without touching them.  My boyfriend thinks I’m doing this because I have to pee, and after a few minutes gives me permission to go.  I can’t correct him with my gag on, but it doesn’t really matter anyway.  I still want to go before the real action starts.  I go pee and when I wipe, the toilet paper is wet with pussy juice.  I hope to myself it’ll come back.  There have been times when I’ve wiped my wetness away and the mere act of doing that was a turn-off.  But I was determined to be fully turned ON today, so I decided not to worry about it.  Be in the moment.  Be the slave, and it will come.


He finishes his dinner, and I take his plate into the kitchen without him asking.  Note to self: I definitely want to be ordered to do this.  I point to my gag and he asks if I want it removed.  I’d told him earlier I wasn’t sure how long I could keep it on – it makes the jaw quite sore, like I’d popped some X earlier (I wish).  He takes it off and leads me into the bedroom on my hands and knees.  I climb onto the bed while he fastens my restraints to the bed.  I’m spread eagle and at his mercy.


He sits on the bed between my legs, looking at me, almost like he’s plotting his next move.  Probably is – I hadn’t given him that clear of instructions for this part, so a lot of the action was up to him.  He lightly ran his fingers up and down my thighs and pussy area, relaxing me, reminding me to be present.  He proceeds to play with my pussy in ways he’s never done before.  I still have my panties on, and he teases the fuck out of me by waving his hands in front of my pussy *almost* touching it, just *barely* grazing it here and there.  I lift my hips as high as I can to meet his hands, as he pulls them just out of my pussy’s reach.  Yes, this is what I wanted, yet I never would have come up with this.  Points for my master.  He kisses my thighs and lightly licks my clit.  He tickles my feet, something I suggested he try earlier.  I’ve known there’s something about my feet that seems to be linked directly to my vagina, but haven’t experimented with it much.  His light touch makes me laugh and squirm.


He pulls his dick out of his boxer briefs (my new favorite underwear for him) and lightly rubs it around my vulva, teasing the opening and pulling back.  Its all about pulling back, giving a little then taking it away, more and more and more until I can’t stand it.  That’s what my pussy wants, and I’ve known for a long time but didn’t feel comfortable with it.  I didn’t know how to communicate it.  I didn’t think he or any guys wanted to play that way.  After all, his dick definitely wasn’t getting off on this, though it was hard most of the time (from what I could see).  I see how I’ve pushed my desires aside because of my own hangups + stupid social norms that tell me sex is what makes a dick cum (even though I’ve spent countless hours reading and teaching about how this isn’t the case).  And I can’t help but note the irony of coming to this realization while I’m playing slave.  How its taken completely giving myself over to someone else (a man, in particular) to understand and experience what my body wants.


These thoughts are floating through my mind – can’t experience anything without my own commentary, it sometimes seems.  But I’m largely focused on my pussy, on the experience, since I can’t move anywhere anyway.  I feel how I want him to stop, but I don’t really want him to stop.  I feel how I’d normally push away my own pleasure, how I tend to rush past building up my own arousal because I’m so concerned about his (and so uncomfortable with mine).  I feel it because I can’t change the activity, I’m at his mercy.  I want to tell him to just fuck me anyway, even though my mental fertility alert was high, even though its not really what I wanted in the long run (not that I wouldn’t love it).  But I let the resistance pass.  And pass.  And pass.  It comes in waves, but when I focus on my breathing and my pussy I come back to present.


He builds up my arousal, then gets off the bed and leaves me there.  He’ll be back.  I know he’s going to sit on the couch, smoke a bowl, and watch TV for a few minutes before returning.  I know him.  But I don’t know how long he’ll be gone, or even how much time is passing.  Its probably only a few minutes, but the not-knowing… yeah, I like that.  I’m laying across the bed, and focusing on my breathing, on techniques I read about in Barbara Carellas’ Urban Tantra.  I’m not completely focused, but I’m somewhat there, so I think its helping.  I get distracted when one of our cats jumps on the bed, purring.  She has a great habit of being a little monkey, getting in the middle of whatever’s going on, and today’s no different.  She’s got to check out the situation and rub her purring face all over it, or in this case – me.  I giggle as I see that the universe will always send potential distractions to your “goals,” but the key is to stay focused on what I want.  And what I want is for my pussy to feel things its rarely or never experienced before.


My master returns, and laughs at our silly kitty who’s rolling over on my left side, in the space between my arm and leg.  He gets back to business, now using the cold chain of my leash against my clit, dropping it lightly down (panties pulled aside) to barely touch the hood, sending chills down my spine.  He rubs and licks the outer lips of my pussy, where the legs of the clitoris extend down toward the perineum.  He pulls the leash so my neck must sit up, and I watch him masturbating.  Is he doing this because he likes it, or is he going to do something with his cock?  I love not knowing, and I love watching him jerk off, so I’m happy whatever happens.  He loosens his grip on his dick and places the black leather leash handle around it.  He puts his dick inside my panties (still on), and gives me space to rub my pussy up, down, and around it as much as I’m able while strapped to the bed.  I experiment with the moves I’m able to make, and quickly become tired – these are muscles I’m not used to using.  My arousal is going down, but I’m committed to doing what he wants and giving it my all, so I keep going.  After several minutes, he pulls away – my pube stubble is chafing him.  I tell him my pussy wants to be filled up, half hoping he’ll shove his dick in there anyway, even though I told him not to.  He knows me, real well.  He positions himself almost sideways, so he can get his cock inside, and slowly works his way in.  I’m moaning with excitement, all the while worrying about his precum and knowing this would distract me from my pleasure “goal.”  Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but I think by that point we were both losing steam.


He does listen to me though.  He pulls his dick out after a  minute or two, because of the instructions I’d given him earlier.  I ask him to finger me – not very slave-like, and I make a mental note to tell him: next time more penetration, maybe with a dildo too.  Because holy shit did it feel amazing.  Even though I was almost losing interest, my body was already turned on enough that I jump into present as his fingers work my g-spot.  Normally, I’d pull back after a minute or two because the sensation is so intense.  Its not an option this time, and I’m thankful.  The restraints give me something to push and pull against; I try to get away and am aroused by the fact that I can’t.  It forces me to accept what he’s doing to my body and to enjoy it.  I breathe.  I breathe to relax my pussy, and as I do I felt it open, dripping wet.  He works my g-spot for several minutes, as I overcome several urges to scream STOP!  I accept the pleasure, and I even feel my pussy muscles contract a few times around his fingers.  Not an orgasm, but definitely on the right path.  Of course, the moment I notice this I’m pulled out of the situation, which sets me back.  But that’s okay, because what else can I do except get back in.  I want to be in my role, and I’m determined that my body will feel, for once.  So I relax, breathe, and feel the warmth emanate from a place deep inside me I can’t quite pinpoint.


After awhile, his hand gets tired.  I don’t blame him, especially in that position.  And by then I was overwhelmed with the sensation, so I welcomed the break.  Perhaps this means I needed more, I needed to push past this wall of resistance too.  Next time, I think to myself, we’ll play with a dildo more to save his fingers.  Maybe save them for last – my favorite.  He curls them up just right inside my pussy, I can feel it now as I’m typing.


I tell him I’ll do whatever he want now, so he unhooks my restraints from the bed and fastens them to themselves – right arm to left leg and vice versa.  I’m in a weird little doggy style ball, and my hands are right at my pussy.  He expertly works his dick into my ass, licking my hole, making sure there’s enough spit, pushing it in, telling me to squeeze, and pulling it back out.  Lather, rinse, repeat as needed.  He’s great at ass fucking, let me tell you.  He builds up to some hardcore butt fucking while I play with my clit  I can feel his cock pushing against my g-spot through the wall of my anal canal, wanting him to pound it with all his strength (and he’s pretty strong).  Its not as intense as being fingered, its not (yet) orgasm-worthy, but it feels great.  He comes, pretty much all over the bed.  See normally he comes in my mouth, but I’m tangled in my bondage gear and can’t get into position fast enough.  Eh, I don’t care.  We’ll wash the sheets…eventually.  He unhooks me and we both lay there panting, telling each other “I love you” and what a great time we just had.  We’re very appreciative of one another – that’s a big reason we have such amazing sex.  We leave the room to clean up (I’ve got gobs of spit in and around my asshole), and when done I pull him back to the bedroom.  I want to masturbate to orgasm, and I want him with me.


I place a condom on my clone-a-willy of his dick.  Its the only dildo I regularly play with – my favorite shape and size.  It doesn’t wash well and gives me yeast infections, so I have to use a condom.  Besides, the material is a bit rough, so the condom smooths it out.  I digress.  My pussy is wet and open; it slides in easily.  I’m so horny it only takes a few minutes, laying on my back with my legs close together.  While I love the sensation of being fucked, when I masturbate I hold the dildo inside me and pulse it up against my g-spot.  I do this with my left hand, while my right presses against my vulva, or more accurately – my body pushes my vulva up against my hand.  He lays with his armpit near my face, and I breathe in the smell of his sex sweat while I cum.  I lay there for a minute, then do it again.


The whole night came down to those two orgasms.  Here’s the challenge, so to speak, of my body.  We spent the whole night exciting my pussy, and yet my orgasms were somewhat anticlimactic.  I feel my pattern of disassociation, where I stop feeling it just as I cum.  It feels amazing right before, almost at the peak of pleasure, my body yearning to let go and feel it reverberate through my entire being.  Yet as I cross over into the o-zone, the tingly warm fuzziness fades.  My pussy contracts – I feel that the orgasm has happened.  I feel somewhat satisfied.  I’m still horny, but my energy is drained.  Nonetheless, I’m thankful for my orgasms.  Grateful to have some release.  In the past there have been months, maybe years, where I felt none.


Its donut time anyway.


All in all, a great night.  I’ve spent the last two days telling him how amazing it was.  Both in general, and specific points.  Positive reinforcement works wonders.


We’ll definitely do this again.  I’m already coming up with things for me to clean (that stack of dishes isn’t getting any smaller), and now that we’ve done it once we can refine our roles more clearly.  It was an awesome feeling to trust him – to give him complete control over my body, and for him to respect it, playing by my rules.  I don’t know how other couples do it, but in my experience the sub role is really the one in charge.  The sub sets the limits; the dom weaves a tapestry of pleasure for the sub, bringing them close then pulling them back, so the sub can simply experience.  At least, that’s what being submissive means to me.


As I finished up the above paragraph, my boyfriend came in to see me lying on my stomach, naked on the bed.  He called me by one of my 40 vajillion pet names, spread my ass cheeks, and smelled and licked my asshole.  He pulled my body up so he could lick my clit as I grinded (ground? ha) my pussy against his face.  I love my life.


Edited: September 26th, 2011