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Who’s Got Masturbation Shame?

I do I do!

Seriously, I’d think I woulda been over this shit by now. (I’ve written a bit about it before.)

But I’m notttttttt!

Or I wassssssn’t when I recorded this 6 weeks ago… (slow on the posting, to be sort of explained next podcast). The odd thing about shame is that talking about it kinda makes it go away some. So maybe listening to me talk about mine can help you give voice to yours…

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Edited: July 7th, 2014

When Do Women Orgasm During a Hookup?

What I find most interesting, is that (on average) women are more likely to orgasm during a hookup when (a) they touch their clitoris (duh), (b) she receives oral sex (duh), AND (c) they have ANAL sex (!).

Edited: April 19th, 2014

The Best Sex EVER

I recently had the best sex I’ve ever had in my entire life. And I’ve had a lot of really good sex.

Listen in on the juicy details…

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Edited: July 18th, 2013

I Wanna Learn How to Squirt!

Want to learn how to squirt (or how to make your partner squirt)? First understand the difference between female ejaculation and orgasm.

Question via Tumblr:

I’ve never had a vaginal orgasm, I can only finish by rubbing my clit.. and when I orgasm it’s not a lot of cum. I really wanna learn how to squirt.. Any tips? :)

Studies show that only 30% of women have vaginal orgasms. A majority of women orgasm from clitoral stimulation. So there’s nothing wrong with clit orgasms as long as they feel good!

If by ‘cum’ you mean vaginal lubrication (‘pussy juice’) – that’s completely normal. Some girls get extremely wet, others are more dry. It is related to your hormones, and if you’re on hormonal birth control (pills, shot, Nuvaring) you may have more vaginal dryness.

Squirting is different from how wet your pussy gets, its prostate fluid that squirts out the urethra from g-spot stimulation (though some women can just from clitoral stimulation). Squirting isn’t the same as having an orgasm. Some women squirt while they orgasm, others have their orgasm and squirt separately. That’s what I do now – I orgasm from clitoral stimulation (sometimes with a dick or dildo inside to feel filled up), usually flat on my stomach or back. But I squirt from penetration lying relaxed on my back. Both feel great in different ways.

Check out these links to learn about how to squirt:
How to Make a Girl Squirt – Is Female Ejaculation A Myth?

How to Make a Girl Squirt – Learn the Technique

How to Make a Girl Squirt – The REAL Secret Behind Female Ejaculation

How to Make a Girl Squirt From My Penis?

Edited: June 9th, 2013

How to Give Her an Orgasm?

What’s the best way to give her an orgasm?

Question via Tumblr:

heyy!!jus give me some nice tips as to how can i give a good orgasm for my girlfriend!!Thanks!!

Well every person is different, so your best bet would be to ask her! Ask how she masturbates (if she does), what she’s liked with previous partners (if she’s had any) and what she fantasizes about. Most women like their clitoris simulated, some like vaginal or anal penetration, more rarely women can orgasm from having their nipples played with or feet licked. Many women like if you start slower, touch her body all over, lots of kissing and touching – i.e., foreplay – before getting to her pussy. But others like to be grabbed roughly and thrown around. (I like a mix :) ) Talking to her can be foreplay too.. talking about sex is a turn on and the only real way to know if you’re giving her what she likes.

Also check out this awesome book to learn more about how women’s bodies work. At least check out the pictures to learn where her sensitive parts are located… the clitoris is a whole network of nerves that’s a lot more than what you see on the surface. You might learn something about her body even she doesn’t know yet!

Edited: March 7th, 2013

How Do I Learn to Use My Hands to Orgasm?

I love their honesty.

“Just allow yourself to be.” – Betty Dodson

PS – “Stay in touch with your own body.” — This applies to males too, especially if you have issues with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.

Edited: January 27th, 2013

Learn a New Orgasm

Via Masturbation Advocate Betty Dodson, how to upgrade your orgasm:

Over the years, one frequently asked question comes from women and a few men who are unable to incorporate their current method of masturbation into partnersex.

Many have carried the same pattern of childhood masturbation over into adulthood and it’s now the only way they can get off. Some are stimulating their genitals with one or both hands pressed between legs that are tightly squeezed together while lying face down on their tummies- not conducive to sharing orgasms with another person. Others are humping folded blankets, wooden floors, riding the arm of an overstuffed chair or pressing against hard counter tops.

As kids, the idea was to come fast to avoid getting caught. If we were lying face down, mom, siblings or the baby sitter couldn’t see what are naughty little hands were doing.

While Pressure and Tension orgasms are probably the most prevalent kind for a majority of people, they are limited in terms of bodily sensations- similar to a quick blip on the pleasure scale. The other problem is that they rarely translate into sharing orgasms with a partner. The solution is simple! It’s time to upgrade your masturbation technique.

First let me emphasize, there are a gazillion ways to get off and there’s no such thing as having a “wrong” kind of orgasm.

After years of observing my own orgasms plus all the women I’ve known personally and have worked with professionally, I’ve observed four basic categories: Pressure, Tension, Relaxation and the Combination that I call a “Rock and Roll Orgasm.” This one combines elements of the first three. While breathing fully during a buildup, we are squeezing and releasing our muscles rhythmically with direct or indirect clitoral contact. Pressure or Tension orgasms are most often reached by holding our breath and gasping occasionally. Total relaxation orgasms or what I’ve also termed “Sleeping Beauty” are most rare. To remain totally relaxed while breathing deeply, someone else must do genital stimulation in a manner that is nearly perfect. Ha! If you find that person capture them quick!

While no two orgasms from self-stimulation are precisely the same, most women use some form of direct or indirect clitoral stimulation with or without penetration. The body responds with movement, no movement, along with varied breathing patterns from holding the breath to panting. Other women remain utterly silent while others make a variety of sounds. The mind can be paying attention to what the body is feeling, focused on sexual thoughts, or conjuring up a sex fantasy. Just as long as you’re not planning a dinner menu or running the laundry list.

Click to learn about Betty’s 4 types of orgasm and how you can learn a new technique!

Edited: December 24th, 2012

Can Viagra Help Female Sexual Dysfunction?

Over 40% of US women supposedly have “female sexual dysfunction.”

What IS female sexual dysfunction? Can it be fixed with a little blue pill? Or is something else going on with American women today?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

Subscribe in iTunes!

And check out the trailer for Orgasm Inc.:

Edited: December 19th, 2012

Penis Size Matters… Kind Of

In a new study on penis size, 1/3 of women who have vaginal orgasms preferred a larger than average penis, while 60% didn’t care.

Does penis size matter?

It does to some, but don’t reach for those “male enhancement” pills quite yet!

Subscribe in iTunes!

What do you think? Does size matter?

Edited: November 15th, 2012

Female Orgasm Anxiety

A great question about female orgasm from a “new” lesbian, that applies to women of any sexual orientation.

A letter to Dr. Betty Dodson:

Hmmm where to start. Purge. After years of very bad sex with men – quick and fulfilling for one, I discovered my clitoris (with your help) and that I really like girls. I’m very proficient at sex for one, but that’s quick also. Now I have a lovely girl in my life I find the attention and pressure to orgasm too much.

She’s happy, she loves me, and we have lovely times together but I can’t orgasm. She says I need to learn to slow down. I try not to think too much and just enjoy but I can’t help thinking she’s getting bored. I’m ruining this beautiful thing because being the centre of attention freaks me out.

- V

Dear V,

Sounds like you’re suffering from a case of “pleasure anxiety.” Listen to what your GF said about “slowing down.” All heterosexual women struggle with the issue of taking too much time so you need to understand the problem. Straight sex is still based on the male model of sexual arousal. For the most part, men can get turned on quickly and climax easily (often too fast for us) so many women have been conditioned to “hurry up” during partner sex but that rarely results in a full satisfying orgasm.

I suggest the two of you share masturbation together. That way you can both observe the technique you each use for your orgasms. If she’s not “doing you” and you have control of your clitoris, once you have an orgasm in front of her the problem might simply go away. So stop being such a “drama queen” and understand that she enjoys being with and pleasuring you.

Dr. Betty

Masturbating together is great for couples of any sexual orientation – it can be sexy to watch your partner do themselves plus you’ll learn what they enjoy.

Edited: November 12th, 2012

How to Have Anal Sex: Is Female Orgasm Possible From Butt Sex?

How to Have Anal Sex – Female orgasm can happen for some women, but not all.


How to Have Anal Sex: Is Female Orgasm Possible… by kelseysextips

Edited: October 10th, 2012

Women’s Sexuality & Female Orgasm: No Change in Stats Since the 70s?

Are women really sexually liberated, considering female orgasm is just as elusive as in the 70s? What do these stats say about women’s sexuality in American culture?

Author Naomi Wolf has a new book out – Vagina: A New Biography. She laments that despite waves of feminism and efforts toward women’s rights, many women are just as dissatisfied with their sex lives as in the 70s:

The modern history of female sexuality has been plagued with misinformation, embarrassment and sexual frustration. When Shere Hite brought out her famous (and, at the time, notorious) Hite Report on Female Sexuality in 1976, about a third of women self-reported that they did not have orgasms when they wished to during sex. This finding preceded Hite’s important — for the time — assertion that penetration was not all there was in terms of female sexual response, and a wave of information about female sexuality followed. Although the Hite Report was initially greeted with great controversy, in the end society agreed that women’s pleasure and sexual wellbeing mattered and deserved respectful inquiry.

But here’s one number that says it all: between 12% and 43% of women in America… say they feel a loss of libido, a decline of desire. Other estimates put the prevalence rate at about one third of American women. The Association of Reproductive Health Professionals claim that 30% of women do not reach orgasm regularly when they wish to — a percentage that has not budged since Hite’s report.

With pleasure so elusive and mockery of the very discussion so normative — even in “serious” venues such as the New York Times and the Washington Monthly — it seems clear that women have a long way to go before we are living in a society respectful of our bodies, minds and the connections between the two. We deserve a climate in which women’s sexual self-knowledge is valued and in which new information is welcomed into mainstream discussion and discussed as if we are grown-ups rather giggling third graders or hysterical chaperones at a 1950s prom.

Edited: October 2nd, 2012

Female Orgasm From Boobs?

Guys aren’t the only ones who can cum from tits… For some lucky women, female orgasm can happen from stimulating the breasts.

How’s it possible?

- Breasts can swell up to 25 percent when you’re aroused…

- Nipple stimulation activates the same region of the brain as clitoral, vaginal and cervical stimulation…

- Just as breasts come in all shapes, sizes and colors, women’s preferences during breast play will differ…

- Breast sensitivity changes with our menstrual cycles…

Can all women experience female orgasm from playing with their breasts and nipples? Just like squirting is possible for virtually all females, theoretically so are breast orgasms. But just as most women aren’t squirting, nor are most women cumming from their boobs. If you or your partner can, awesome! (Honestly, I may be a little jealous.) If not, enjoy whatever pleasure they do provide.

Bottom line: Boobs are awesome.

Edited: September 21st, 2012

Do Vibrators Ruin the Female Orgasm?

How does hard pressure on the clitoris affect a woman’s ability to have a female orgasm?

Both my husband Terry and I have early masturbation stories like Carlin and Betty describe – for me, I started masturbating on my stomach with my blanket between my legs. Even today it can be hard to orgasm without a lot of pressure. With lots of practice(!) and patience, I’ve started feeling more sensation in other positions, but my body still responds best that way. Its like learning how to ride a bike…a little harder, but more fun.

This video also sparked a great conversation with Terry about needing more sexy time with him. We have amazing sex, but like Betty says – as a woman, sometimes sex can feel like foreplay for my masturbation. Personally, I don’t need an orgasm every time – that’s too much pressure and too “masculine” a goal – but it gets hard to make the time when we’re so busy. Even though we have a very sexual lifestyle, we get stressed out like everyone else!

Edited: September 6th, 2012

Reader Question: How to Make a Girl Orgasm Better?

On today’s sex podcast I share secrets on how to make a girl orgasm better. Hint: Its not a fancy new technique or toy!

The most important tip on how to make a woman orgasm is – sorry guys – to pay attention to her emotional needs. The more she feels free to express herself, the more likely she is to open up, have more satisfying female orgasm, and want to please her partner.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: August 14th, 2012

The “Elusive” Female Orgasm: Where Does It Go? Why Does It Hide?

Difficulty experiencing female orgasm is common, though many women feel all alone.

I can orgasm just fine on my own. What prevents me from doing it with someone else?

The above is an excerpt from my favorite blog, a post about female orgasm, or lack thereof.

Though I’ve understood I’m not alone in my challenges, this is the first time I’ve heard of someone with a similar problem. Most sex advice assumes if women aren’t orgasmic with their partners they aren’t at all, and the solution is to learn how to female orgasm through masturbation. But making the “leap” from solo to partner orgasm isn’t straightforward. The writer continues…

I don’t know what that means, or how to fix it, or whether “fixing” it is the wrong approach. Sometimes, when I realize we’ve worked so hard to get there yet again and I know it’s just not going to happen, I experience what I’ve come to think of as the “reverse orgasm,” where sex ends with a panic attack and a painful mental storm of self-recrimination, disappointment and despair.

Even though he comforts me and says all the right things, this is a moment of relative solitude. It’s just me and my orgasm, not happening. Once again. And if I cease to work on it, am I settling for less, yet again?

I know I don’t want to leave my marriage, and I know there are no simple solutions. Vulnerability and trust and belief in my self worth can’t happen overnight.

I’m not sure what the solution will be. But learning to talk about it, having the courage to write about it here and be honest about this vulnerability, is a big part of it.

It IS brave to talk about it. I know because its why I started this blog. Because I knew other women/couples must feel the same frustration. I figured if nothing else I’d at least write about my experiences, and maybe it’d help someone else to know they’re not alone. But now I’ve got “proof” I’m not, and I know that my struggles haven’t just been mine – they’re shared by women all over, many who would never go there, let alone write about it publicly.

I don’t have an answer to the “problems” of female orgasm. I’m still working on it myself.

Edited: July 11th, 2012

How to Eat Pussy: What to Do After She Has Her Female Orgasm

Woo, she had a female orgasm! But wait, your how to eat pussy lesson isn’t over yet…:

Once you’re done (totally finished) she’s going to want you out of there pronto because the whole area is sensitive. Instead of leaving, stick out your tongue and lay it down on her like a thick, soggy carpet. Make sure you don’t move it or anything because that can actually hurt her. Just let it sit there like a dead manta ray for about thirty seconds. Then come up and wipe your face like a pirate.

I also enjoy a hand pressed very firmly over the area for a minute or so.

 

How to Eat Pussy

How to Eat Pussy

Edited: April 28th, 2012

The Problem With Thinking You’ve Got a Sex Problem: What it Means for Female Orgasm

Nicole Daedone, author of Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of the Female Orgasm, has made it her mission to uncover the so-called problem of female orgasm

:

We believe that “good” sex means one thing – probably something like mutual orgasm and a feeling of intimate connection to our partner – and that if either of the above is missing, the sex is “unsatisfying” or “truly problematic” or, worse yet, simply “good enough.” We ignore the reality, which is that sex itself is messy and inconsistent… It is a reflection of life, which means it includes hot and cold, fast and slow, good and bad…Sex is not a science; there is no recipe. No matter how many books you read or how many repetitive motions you make, the outcome is not guaranteed. And mere inconsistency is the best-case scenario. The worst-case scenario? You kill the sex with the recipe.

But we’ve never learned how to cook without a recipe… So when things don’t turn out the way we expect, we find ourselves trying harder. Rather than opening up and letting our sexuality tell us what it wants in the moment, we try harder to comply with the external recipe we’ve been given. Rather than listening for our own desire and following wt whether it makes sense or not, we try ever harder to be the good little recipe-follower we were taught to be…

Let’s take the example of orgasm. While men’s orgasms are also an art form, I think we can all agree that they tend to have more of that consistent scientific quality to them than women’s orgasms do… [heterosexual] “penis” plus “naked woman” in more cases than not does in fact equal “ejaculation.” But what, then, happens when the recipe doesn’t lead to the desired outcome? When no matter how hard he tries, the recipe – ahem – no longer stands on its own?

And then you’ve got women’s orgasm, which for most of us follows a path much more like The Artist’s Way than the scientific method. When observed objectively, women’s orgasm looks very different from men’s orgasm, and it may or may not include a climax. So what happens when we’re following the recipe for “good sex,” and (per usual) it calls for “two climaxes,” and two climaxes are not available?

What happens in either of these cases… is that sex starts looking like a problem

Men approach the problem of sex like they’re trying to fix a TV that’s on the fritz. They scratch their heads and try to figure it out. They ask investigative questions, tinker with this and that, and when the screen is still blank they’ll either become frustrated or zone out altogether.

For women, on the other hand, the tendency is to try to make her sex – and especially her orgasm – look a particular way, the way its “supposed” to look. We try to live up to the expectations set by Hollywood, and Cosmo… We put ourselves into the shape of the sex we think we’re supposed to be having, which is modeled on the example of a man’s experience. We spend a lot of time in our heads, wondering if we’re doing it right, concentrating very hard on “getting somewhere” – “somewhere” being synonymous with “climax”… The result is that we distance ourselves from our desires, from our direct experience of sex, and in the end, from our orgasm. Some women have gotten so far away from their own authentic orgasm that they don’t even think they have one. Which is a major concern, since for women especially, frequent access to the pleasure of orgasm is the key to finding joy, nourishment, and sustainable happiness.

Learn more about female orgasm and how to have more satisfying sex here.

Edited: April 16th, 2012

Faking Female Orgasm: How to Tell Your Partner

Its a stereotype that women fake female orgasm, but some do. And once you start, its hard to stop.

Here’s what sex coach Billie Becker has to say about getting honest about faking female orgasm:

Start slowly with deep breaths. Mix in a gasp. Work your way to a moan. Wait for him to cum. Quiver and smile.

Faking it was easy.

I was a committed method actor and sex was like a porno casting call every time. Working my way down a checklist I would have “orgasms” on demand – without end.

I nailed the part.

Stop Faking Female Orgasm!

Stop Faking Female Orgasm!

It was easy to write off my bad behavior when I was younger – I didn’t know what orgasms were. I questioned myself, thinking “Maybe I am having one and I just can’t tell”.  If women came without question in porn, maybe they just liked sex more than I did.

But they don’t.

My first vibrator cleared away any doubt about what an orgasm felt like, but “faking it” had already went from a bad habit to a disease. Instead of dealing with my fatigue, hunger, or insecurity, I could just fake an orgasm and get on with it.

I had an “orgasm” every time we had sex, and my partner came to expect it. I couldn’t stop now, not without admitting I had lied. He would find out that we weren’t actually getting the job done, then he’d be crushed and I’d be totally embarrassed.

So I kept faking it… for years.

If you’re the one faking it:

Come clean.

Right now, admit to yourself that you’ve been dishonest. Take out a pencil and paper, and write down what you need to tell your partner. I recommend the following format.

• Use “I”, not “you”, statements. “I’ve been feeling ______, because I haven’t been honest with you.
• Keep it positive. Mention what did work or feel good. “I really appreciate when we”, “I enjoy this about it”.
• Explain yourself. “I wanted to make you feel good”, “I wanted our sex to be perfect”
• Take responsibility. “I realized that it was dishonest”
• Tell them what YOU are doing to make things better. “I’d like to use a vibrator, I think it’ll really help me”.

If you think your partner is faking it:

Stop it.

No really, stop it. When you’re focused on your partners orgasm, you’re bound to make things worse.

• Don’t set expectations by saying things like “I’m going to make you come”.
• Don’t ask if your partner came. By asking “Did I make you come” you’re setting them up to lie about it if they didn’t.
• Focus on asking questions that require specific feedback. Instead of asking “Yeah, do you like that?”, ask “Do you want it harder or softer?”, “What depth feels good?”, etc.

Edited: March 22nd, 2012

How to Eat Pussy: Getting Close to Female Orgasm

When she’s getting close to having her female orgasm, how to eat pussy is easy – just don’t stop:

When you feel the inner thighs start to shake, this is it. Be repetitive. Do NOT be creative. You’re almost home and this is not the time to start changing tactics.

Extra tip: To keep the rhythm going, try repeating a chant in your head that goes with the movement of your tongue like a Mic Mac Indian (hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya, hi-yi-yi-ya). Any inconsistent action may throw her off, killing the mood or at least setting you back a few minutes, which is bad for morale.

How to Eat Pussy

How to Eat Pussy

Important: Keep going several seconds after her orgasm. Remember, it isn’t over until the hands come down from above and lay you off. If she’s multi-orgasmic you’ll have to keep going until you’ve done the whole routine another four or five times. If you’re not sure what to do, just keep giving her shit until the magic hands come down to pull you off.

Edited: March 19th, 2012

Female Orgasm: The Cure for Hunger in the Western Woman

Can female orgasm save the Western world?

Nicole Daedone thinks so.

Edited: January 19th, 2012

Female Orgasm: Its All In Your Head…In This Study, Anyway

I’m impressed that female orgasm can even occur inside an fMRI machine!

“The Science of Female Orgasm”

Thanks to the women who masturbate for science, and let us see the neurological side of female sexuality.

Edited: November 30th, 2011

Female Orgasm: I’m Coming! Just kidding.

Female Orgasm

Faking female orgasm? (courtesy of Johan31000)

 

 

 

 

 

Yashar Ali believes women fake female orgasm to validate the male ego. I can’t say I disagree with much of what he writes.  But he’s probably never been in the position where he could or would consider faking it. (Not that men don’t, so I’ve heard.)

 

In my personal life, I have never faked a female orgasm. This despite only having a handful of orgasms from a partner stimulating my body. (Most have cum from masturbation with my partner or on their body.)   I always reasoned that if I faked female orgasm, it’d train them to do the same thing again, and then they’d expect another orgasm, and then I’d fake again, and on and on and on.

 

While Ali is right that the male ego plays a part, its not as simple as sex being a “cerebral process… [in which they have to think and plan when to fake an orgasm, when to make everything perfect for the man in their lives."  He continues, "They are pleasing [men's] massive egos, instead of pleasing themselves.”

 

If only female orgasm were so simple! Coming from my own experience, and all the times I could have faked a female orgasm but didn’t, here are a few other reasons a woman might fake it:

 

- She doesn’t know what will bring her to female orgasm.
- She doesn’t know how to say what she wants.
- He doesn’t know how to ask her what she wants, or how to help her explore if she doesn’t know.
- He isn’t receptive to her when she says what she wants.
- She thinks he’s already supposed to know how to give her an orgasm.
- He thinks he’s already supposed to know how to give a female orgasm.
- She thinks she’s supposed to have an orgasm during intercourse, oral, or whatever she’s doing.
- He pressures her to feel she should experience female orgasm with him.
- She wants the sex to end but doesn’t feel comfortable saying, “This sucks, I’m out.”
- She’s been faking female orgasm for months or years and is afraid to reveal her sexual relationship is a sham.
- She doesn’t believe she deserves pleasure.
- She’s afraid of being too sexual and holds back.

Any others?

Edited: November 15th, 2011