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Fetish Problems: My Girlfriend Farts On Me But it is Inconsistent or Rare…

Question via Tumblr: Hello Kelsey, I have a deep fart fetish involving being forced to inhale farts. It’s on top of my desires as I am a submissive male. My girlfriend farts on me but it is inconsistent or rare. Do you have any suggestions on how to help this? Thank you:)

Talk more to your girlfriend about both your wants and needs when it comes to sex. That’s literally the only way you two will ever be sexually happy.

But first, realize this -

The thing with farting – and many other body worship / body odor / body function fetishes – is that the person was (typically) originally programmed that the act is dirty, disgusting, rude, etc. We’ve largely been conditioned that our bodies are gross and to take as many steps to shield people around us from coming into contact with our own grossness. Think about it – by the time you are dressed and ready for work in the morning – you’ve coated yourself in the scent of your soap, shampoo, conditioner, shaving cream, cologne (if you wear it), deodorant, and the smell in your laundry detergent. You smell like a random array of artificial flowers and musk and mountain sunshine, not like a human being. For women, its about 10 times more, with our body sprays and scented lotions and scented tampons. The message we get from an early age is: the natural human body is nasty and should be avoided at all costs. Especially the female body (hello, periods).

I’ve noticed this when I direct our fart fetish videos in particular, that while the viewer is getting off on the smell of their farts, its important that the model feel comfortable doing something she was originally taught was gross. Its a transition that slowly happens from when a model first walks in often feeling anxious and worried about what the shoot will be like, whether she’s going to push too hard and have an accident, whether we’ll judge her, whether it’ll smell too bad, etc – to by the end of the day she’s walking around farting and giggling and talking about it like its no big deal.

So just because you’ve shared your fetish or fantasy doesn’t mean the person is going to be automatically comfortable with it. Your partner has their own feelings about it that have nothing to do with you, directly, that bleed over into their interactions with you. If they’re uncomfortable in some way it doesn’t mean its a hard no, but it means you both need to talk about how you feel. And from there, you can find solutions that work for you both. Just recognize for something taboo, kinky or just plain different from what your partner has previously experienced or desired – it may take some time for them to become comfortable.

If she’s willing to do it sometimes, it means she’s open, at least to some degree. I think you’ll be most effective if you initiate a conversation about what you love about what you DO do, and how you two can have the happiest sex life possible together. And part of that would involve more of your fetishes, but for all you know, she’s got her own ideas of what she’d like. Talking about how you BOTH can be happy and acknowledging what IS working will be much more effective than complaining about what she’s not doing.

Also check out this post and KelseyEducation.com under Fetishes and Communication – there’s a ton more practical advice. Good luck :)

Edited: November 2nd, 2014

What Triggers Your Shame?

So awhile ago I talked about shame. These were some of my most popular podcasts. And I was surprised. I wasn’t sure if talking about feeling like shit would be all that compelling. But apparently it is! If you can relate to my version of shittiness, that is. And I think most people can, in one form or another.

So I promised I’d talk about shame more about as I learn how to deal with it, let it go, overcome, or whatever happens such that its not the prevalent emotion in my life anymore.

Even Cats Feel Shame...

Even Cats Feel Shame...

And almost 6 months later, its largely not. Its not gone, but its not the #1 thing I feel when I wake up in the morning. That’s new and different. Almost uneasy, because while the shame felt terrible, it was familiar.

So here’s something I’ve realized – shame is an emotion. Emotions come and go. But feelings don’t just come from nowhere, something triggers them, whether or not we’re aware. (And most people are unaware, I was up until recently… and still sometimes.)

Which to me means identifying when the feeling of shame is triggered and what did I see/do/hear/say/remember that brought up that emotion.

And it turns out there are some sexual things that used to cause me a lot of shame. But that really don’t anymore.

At the same time, there are some sexual things that I still do feel ashamed of. Even when my logical brain says everything’s fine, and I wouldn’t judge anyone else for it.

So today I talk more about what I’ve noticed about shame, how it comes and goes, and what I’ve done to let it go.

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Edited: June 3rd, 2014

You’ve Got a Kink!

Edited: April 11th, 2014

50 Shades of Spanking… Okay, Really Just 4

Some people get turned on by spanking.

A spank is a spank is a spank. Hand on cheek. Right?

WRONG! Do not pass go, do not collect $200… (As my dad would say.)

Well, maybe for some people a spank IS a spank. But for a lot of people, its not just hand-smacking-buttcheek that’s important. Its the context.

Where, when, why & how do you want the spanking? That answer is probably a bit different for everyone, but here are a few ideas I happened across via Tumblr:

Edited: April 3rd, 2014

Why Do Guys Share Their Fantasies Online?

Question via Tumblr: Why do you think that many guys write out their fantasies and post them online? I don`t understand the logic or motivation behind it.

I’m curious about in what setting you’re talking about – where are you seeing guys post their fantasies?

But wherever it is, I think most people have a deep desire to share the sexual part of themselves. A lot of people (regardless of gender) are too scared to be that real with their partners if they have one. Or they’ve tried unsuccessfully and don’t want to face judgment or rejection again. So the internet provides an anonymous outlet and in certain places like fetish forums – others who understand and validate their fantasies.

I think its great when people find a place to express themselves. I also think its much more satisfying when we can do it in person, with a real human being who cares about our wants and needs. But that’s not an option for everyone (or perhaps not yet) so the internet fulfills that in part.

Edited: March 31st, 2014

Do Fantasies Help or Hurt?

I generally say its great for people to enjoy their fantasies so long as nobody gets hurt. Generally that’s pretty obvious. If anyone ends up in the hospital, its probably a no-go. But psychological hurt is harder to define. Especially when its our OWN psychologies. Can we hurt ourselves through our fantasies?

Sometimes.

Sometimes fantasies are just ways we play out the same old patterns that have caused us pain and disappointment throughout our entire lives. Kind of like a guy who’s been divorced 5 times. If it didn’t work in marriage 1-4, why would #5 be any different? Sure people change, but without making a conscious effort, chances are the problem was never really the wife. The problem is the guy picking the same woman over and over. His picker is off. Because in some way, that woman is familiar, comforting, and attractive to him. But seeking a new one won’t fix why he keeps choosing someone who’s not right for him.

When is indulging in our fantasies helpful, and when it it harmful? How can fantasies fuel personal growth, or how can they cripple us? Where’s the line?

That’s something only you can know. And sometimes you’ll bang your head against the wall 263 times before you realize – the wall fucking hurts! And you’ll pull your head away to notice that fluffy pillow on the couch is a much softer place to rest your noggin…

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Edited: February 20th, 2014

Kicking Him in the Balls… Out of Love, Like and Lust

I feel like I tell men over and over that its unlikely you’ll find a partner (particularly a female one) whose sexual desires perfectly mirror yours.  Especially guys who have fetishes.  Many times I’ve written & talked about how feminine women are often more interested in the context of an erotic encounter than the particular content (though we do care about that too!).  Meaning: a woman might not care about your fetish or fantasy in general… but she may be open to try it, and even learn to like it – with YOU.  Someone she cares about. In a happy relationship.

Now Mistress T may not be your typical woman, a dominatrix who abuses and humiliates men on camera and off.  But she echoes the same sentiment in her blog on a guy she’s been seeing and filming with that’s into ball busting.  i.e., getting kicked, punched, and generally abused in the testicular region:

…our relationship might be a little unusual. I never thought that I would actually find ball busting arousing. I do: with him. We go out dancing at fetish parties. I kick him in the balls & he gets hard. It turns me on & we make out. The way he reacts when I abuse his balls is so fucking sexy, so passionate. He loves it & surrenders to it beautifully. He also loves my feet & worships them during sex which sends me over the moon. My feet are certainly an erogenous zone.

Who says fetish can’t be romantic?

Edited: January 7th, 2014

Turned On By That Time of the Month?

Question via Tumblr: Ever come across a guy who is into periods and maxi pads?

Online, yes. I’ve made a few videos on the topic based on fan suggestions:

Taboo – Jerk Off Instruction Brother Caught Masturbating With Used Pads & Tampons

Pussy Worship – Menstruation Worship

Sex Ed – POV Stepmother Period Lesson

Sex Ed – Menstruation Lesson

None of them show any menstrual blood though, because its against clips4sale & pretty much every payment processor’s terms of service. Which I think is ridiculous. Its perfectly okay to sell gang bangs & bukkake, but seeing a woman’s period? Why that’s obscene. The few sites that cater to it, as far as I know, are foreign.

I think the idea is really hot, because like most every other woman in the US, I grew up believing that my period was the grossest most disgusting thing about being a woman. For someone to be sexually aroused by it is arousing to me. My husband isn’t INTO it per se, but he’s gone down on me while on my period without a tampon in a few times (when it wasn’t too heavy) and I really like it. I’ll have sex on my period, just not when its too messy.

Edited: January 6th, 2014

Sex and Shame

Have you ever felt bad about…

- Your sexual fantasies?
- Sexual things you’ve done?
- Your sexual fetish?
- People you’ve had sex with?
- How many people you’ve fucked? (Or haven’t.)
- Experiences you WISH hadn’t happened?

Yuck

Welcome to the club! Pretty much everyone is a member, or has been at one point or another.

Meeeee included.

I think most people’s reaction to shame is to try and run away from it. To do their best to avoid things that provoke that icky feeling. But if you’ve ever tried that (as I have) – it doesn’t work. Those feelings always come out.

So if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. Today I’m sharing what I’ve learned dealing with my own sexual shame over the last few years, and why feeling that shame is necessary if you want to enjoy your sex life a lot more. It might sting a bit at first, but the pleasure is well worth the pain.

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Edited: December 25th, 2013

Why I Love Body Worship

Making dirty fetish porn has opened my eyes (& vagina) to something that REALLY turns me on…

Body worship. i.e., the experience of someone “worshipping” (sexually appreciating) my various parts & body as a whole. Toes, feet, legs, ass, pussy, stomach, armpits, neck, mouth – and everywhere in-between.

That's Maia Davis Licking My Pit

That's Maia Davis Licking My Pit

You might notice that a lot of my fetish videos center on this theme. And if not my body explicitly, then its functions.

Why? Listen & I’ll share…

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Edited: December 20th, 2013

Behind Desire: Lessons on Peeing From Tera Patrick

I’ve been reading books by porn stars & other sex workers lately. I recently finished Tera Patrick’s book.

And I loved how she & her (now ex) husband described their voyage into kinkiness – primarily, watersports. (Which my computer keeps wanting to auto-correct to waterspouts. Stop censoring my dirty side!) AKA peeing on people.

Courtesy AirHugger.Wordpress.Com

Courtesy AirHugger.Wordpress.Com

Maybe you like pee, maybe its grosses you out, or perhaps the jury is still out (or took a trip to the bathroom instead). For the purposes of this podcast, it doesn’t matter. Nor did it really matter to Tera & her dude, because as they describe, peeing isn’t necessarily about the pee. Its about how it feels to be dominant and submissive. Which really, is what a lot of our fantasies are about.

So let’s dive a bit deeper, shall we?

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Edited: December 18th, 2013

How to Talk About Your Fantasies

I recently made a custom video for a fan who had a very… let’s say ‘different’ sort of fantasy. One I was happy to oblige, but didn’t really understand the turn-on.

So… I asked him, why do you think this turns you on so much?

And his explanation was so great I asked if I could share it with you. Why? If you want to talk about your fantasies with your partner, and perhaps don’t know where to begin, let this be an example. You may not find his fantasy sexy, but the way he talked about it really helped me to make it cum true. Just like you’d like your partner to do for you!

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Edited: December 16th, 2013

How Do I Get Her Into My Foot Fetish?

Question via Tumblr:
So I started seeing this girl that I’ve known for a long time and she is very open about things. Anal and even letting me watch her use the bathroom. 1 and 2. She is totally fine with almost everything but I have a huge foot fetish and that is the one thing she doesn’t want to do. Any suggestions?

My first reaction is that I find it hard to believe someone would be okay with you watching them go to the bathroom, but not okay with feet. Foot fetish is pretty mild and most people have heard of it… though I do know some like my best friend, who thinks feet are super disgusting. So I suppose its possible…

Anyway, you need to have open communication with her about it in a non-sexual context. I like to take walks with Terry when we’re talking about sensitive issues. There are two issues at hand here – her feeling on feet and yours. Communication = the process of sharing and understanding one another’s feelings.

How do feet make her feel? Does that feeling remind her of something else in her life she doesn’t like, like a bad memory from childhood or a douchey ex-boyfriend? Is there some kind of moral or psychological judgment she’s making on foot fetish?

And then your feelings… Why do feet turn you on? What’s so sexy about feet? What are your earliest memories of appreciating women’s feet? How does it make you feel?

Keyword for both: feel. We’re talking emotion here, which is the basis for 99% of our behaviors. Human beings are not nearly as logical as they think.

This may happen in one conversation, or it may take many to be on the same page – whether about your fetish or about anything that’s important in your relationship. When she understands your desires, and feels that you care about her and understand her emotions – that’s when she’ll be more likely to try. There’s no guarantees of course, and she still may be turned off by it. At which point you have to ask yourself how important this one piece is if she’s so awesome with everything else.

Terry & I both have fantasies we don’t fully ‘do’ with one another. You don’t need to be a perfect sexual match to have a happy relationship, just enough overlap you can thoroughly enjoy one another. But if there’s something that’s central to your sexuality and you can’t live without it, it could be that she’s not the one.

And of course, make sure you’re giving her the same consideration in making her fantasies come true as you are yours. Putting in an effort to please her will go a long way and give her an example to follow – if you’re going outside your comfort zone for her, it makes it okay for her to do the same.

Edited: December 10th, 2013

Why I Love Making Porn

When I was a kid, I knew when I grew up I wanted to do something I loved. Something that felt natural and fulfilling, that made a difference in people’s lives. At various times I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, psychologist, music therapist, social worker, high school music teacher, researcher and college professor. I either grew out of those desires, or I got jobs along the path to those careers and felt something was missing.

I’m smart. I have degrees. I know I could do most anything I want in the world. But surprisingly sex work, in the way I’ve created my career, feels more natural than anything else I’ve tried. To me, it is fulfilling. Because I believe that it helps people on a deep, intimate, and even profound level. Yet in some ways, I feel fairly alone in this sentiment. I only hire girls who enjoy their work, yet for most of them it is still a temporary job (though overall, a fun one). I’m inspired by women like Nina Hartley, Tristan Taormino & Carol Queen – women who have directed (and some starred) in porn because they believe it has the power to change people’s sex lives for the better. But they’re not in my social circle (yet).

But here’s an excerpt from an amazing article written by a dominatrix who shares my love for sex work. If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to do my work – she’s articulated it to a T:

In any aspect of the adult industry… you, as a worker, are dealing with people’s feelings on a very, very intimate level. In fetish work, because of all the shame involved, the number of feelings and the level of intimacy is increased….

My work is usually about one part sexual, two parts emotional. I give a lot to my clients, and I love them all for the hour I’m in the room with them [For me, the 5-10 minutes I'm on camera for a clip]. It’s beautiful to see them overcome their fears and all the things they’ve been told about what sex and sexuality should be and let go completely. I love seeing the smiles on their faces [receiving their emails] when they leave refreshed after a session [after they've masturbated to a clip or 10], I feel like I’m making a genuine difference in the world.

My position as a healer and a therapist becomes more apparent and also dearer to me when I’m most depressed. It’s cheesy, but doing these weird little good deeds for others really does make me feel better.

Of course, my motives aren’t entirely altruistic, I’d never do this for free [well, I'd do some of what I do for free, but I lack the opportunity for some of it without porn], but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m doing good things for people and it’s incredibly fulfilling. I’m not sure why it’s so very difficult for people to understand this. A lot of civilians tend to write off what I do as just sex, with a dismissive, “Wow, you must be a nymphomaniac or something” and then when I explain that I don’t sleep with my clients unless I’m doing it in the most literal sense, they become confused. “You aren’t actually into all that weird stuff, are you?” No, I’m not into all of it, but I’m definitely into helping people accept and explore the weird stuff they’re into.

Sex work may not be a substitute for therapy, but for me it is certainly very therapeutic. It confuses me when I’m told that my soul is being slowly crushed when I’m encouraging others to blossom, because as I nourish them by fulfilling fantasies that, in many cases, they’ve been taught to believe were wrong, bad, or disgusting, I’m nourishing myself. I see, in a very real way, that there is good in the world and that I’m capable of creating that good.

Edited: November 8th, 2013

Is BDSM Healthy?

A new study says yes!

And I agree. I believe its important for us to experience our desires in some way, so long as everyone involved is enjoying themselves. Even if those desires are a little weird, dark or dirty.

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Edited: August 21st, 2013

Chastity Play & Strapons

Discussing listener questions about the chastity fetish, strapons and how to find a partner into this kind of kinkiness.

First I explain what the chastity fetish is, in case you haven’t heard of it. Then I move on to listener questions:

What’s your opinion on chastity play?

And…

I am in my late 40′s and single. I am looking for a female led relationship in which I would like a bit of strap-on and male chastity play included.

So what advice would you have for me? I do not want to do online dating as it is way too risky and you do not know who is hiding behind the PC.

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Edited: July 4th, 2013

I Have This Fetish… How Do I NOT Sound Like a Pervert?

How can you ask someone to fulfill your fetish or fantasy?

Question via Tumblr:

Hi Kelsey. There is a girl at my gym who has the nicest ass and would love to smell and lick her sweaty ass after one of her workouts. How would I ask her without sounding like a pervert?

I don’t think you CAN’T NOT sound like a pervert asking that question. Think about it from her perspective. You’re a perfect stranger who’s been watching her at the gym. She may or may not know you exist. Even if she thinks the idea is hot, I’d estimate 9.5 out of 10 women wouldn’t want to do it with a complete stranger. Even one night stands aren’t usually with perfect strangers – they at least spend a couple hours getting to know each other at a bar or party.

Simply approaching a stranger to fulfill your fetish won’t typically work. There has to be rapport, comfort, AND they have to get something out of the situation as well.

What you could do is approach her to hang out & hook up in a ‘normal’ way… Then once you’ve broken the ice, you can go to the gym together and have sex right after – smell & lick her ass as a part of it if she’s down. Also be sure to ask what she enjoys and give it to her. Focus on giving her a great time and she’ll be much more likely to want to please you in return.

Edited: June 5th, 2013

What’s Your Deepest Desire?

Lately I’ve been thinking about desire… that feeling of wanting. Craving things, people, experiences that aren’t currently here. Now.

And I thought of a quote by poet Rumi, “The longing is the answer.”

Its so easy to get down on ourselves and our lives when we don’t have what we want. But it always happens: when we get there, we start wanting something ELSE!

Is the answer to stop desiring altogether? Well that doesn’t sound like fun. But you know, what makes an orgasm great isn’t simply getting off. Its the build up. The anticipation. The pleasure along the way is not only what leads to the orgasm – its half the enjoyment!

What do YOU desire? Really, really, reeeaaallllyyy crave? What does it feel like? And why is that feeling important if you want to actually get it?

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Edited: June 1st, 2013

What’s a Cuckold Fetish? Interview With Jimmy Broadway

The cuckold fetish is basically where the woman (in a ‘straight’ couple) openly has sex with other men.

It goes in reverse too, where the guy openly has sex with other women – called a cuckquean fetish (this term definitely could apply to my relationship!).

I often encountered the cuckold fetish when I worked on webcam. I enjoyed roleplaying, but I always wondered how this could work in “real life.” Many of the men I worked with fantasized about their woman taking their money, their dignity and sometimes only being allowed to eat other men’s semen from their woman’s pussy with no other sexual contact. Not all men took it to this extreme, but it was more common than I would have expected.

Obviously we don’t bring ALL our fantasies to life, but I’ve got several emails in my inbox from guys wanting to know how to get their woman to ‘cuckold’ them.

Curious myself, I asked fetish video producer Jimmy Broadway to join me on the podcast. Jimmy is co-owner of SevereSocietyFilms.com and frequently films cuckold fetish films. Jimmy is intimately familiar with the fantasy AND reality of cuckold relationships – how to make it work, and how it can go wrong.

Hear us talk about -

- Why are guys turned on by their woman fucking another guy?
- What role does bisexuality play?
- What are the risks of the cuckold relationship? What can go right, and what could go wrong?
- How can a couple safely explore the cuckold fantasy?
- What’s the #1 most important element of a happy cuckold relationship?

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Edited: May 4th, 2013

Interview With Swinger Porn Star Siri

Porn star Siri is a 24 year old married swinger who is passionate about, well, sex!

Siri entered the porn business in 2012 after she graduated from college. Siri knew she wanted to be in porn since age 19 and began exploring the swinger’s scene when she met her husband Brad. She’s clearly smart and educated enough to do whatever she wants in life — and porn is it! Nothing better than an intelligent woman who chooses a career that she truly loves.

Porn Star Siri

Porn Star Siri

Siri’s authentic love of sex has helped her win Miss FreeOnes 2012 and a nomination for AVN Best New Starlet 2013. The newest addition to the VNA network – home of stars like Vicky Vette, Nikki Benz and Sara Jay – Siri will be exploring her sexuality for her pleasure AND yours for years to come!

Subscribe in iTunes!

Siri has an awesome blog where she regularly interacts with her fans at SiriPornStar.com. Follow her on Twitter @SiriPornStar. And check out her kinky fetish videos!

Edited: April 30th, 2013

Lolita Style – Fashion or Fetish?

<h2>I recently did a porn shoot dressed in what’s called <b><i>Lolita fashion</b></i>.</h2>

 

Kelsey Obsession in Lolita Dress

Kelsey Obsession in Lolita Dress

This style is popular among young women in Japan.  Lolita fashion is somewhat controversial because – its adult women dressing like little girls – and somehow that means they’re appealing to pedophiles. Never mind they’re fully grown adults. These are not underage prepubescent children whose mothers dressed them. They’re adult women who chose these clothes themselves. Aside from those considering themselves asexual, women are sexual beings.  Thus, the women who put on these outfits – I’ll call them Lolitas – are sexual too. But last I checked, people who are sexually aroused by children are indeed looking for children. Not grown women.  Just like the adult baby fetish/lifestyle isn’t about babies.

From my understanding, the community largely tries to divorce itself from sexuality due to claims of pedophilia. But realistically, I can’t believe sexuality doesn’t come into play in SOME way – much like for furries. Furry fandom is a subculture of people who relate better to animals than people. Sometimes they dress up like animals in ‘fur suits.’ If someone sees themselves as a furry  and they’re are a sexual person – wouldn’t it make sense that identity would be part of their sexuality too? I once met a furry (in plain clothes) who told me that it wasn’t ABOUT sex, but sex can certainly be part of it. I can’t imagine Lolita culture is that different.

 

Furry Convention

Furry Convention

But of course, not everyone wants to display their sexuality so publicly. That’s fine. But I do!

I posted some pictures on Tumblr and tagged them with Lolita-related terms. Why? Because I’m people who are attracted to Lolitas probably search for it on Tumblr. Its called marketing. While they’re probably NOT appealing to pedophiles, there are undoubtedly guys (and girls like me) who are sexually attracted to Lolitas. I imagine Lolitas must date and have relationships – its their boyfriends (or girlfriends) who would be looking for my content! Just like BBW Nicole’s boyfriend told me, the first thing he ever did on the internet was search for ‘fat girl porn.’ Shocking. Furthermore, if men with pedophiliac fantasies ARE searching for Lolita fashion pics – if their desires can be quenched by grown women dressed youthfully, wouldn’t that be better than creeping on pics of kids in bathing suits online? (Be careful what you post, parents.)

I received several angry messages from – presumably – women in this virtual community.  All anomymously, of course.  When I replied that they can block NSFW blogs like mine from their timelines, I received a response back that said:

IT’S NOT THE FACT THAT YOUR IMAGE IS NSFW, It’s the fact that this fashion has be continuously mislabeled by people like yourself to represent a sexual thing! We are constantly having to correct people about the style not having anything to do with sex! Your image is further mislabeling our style because you decided to make it sexual and further misleading people while you yourself, have no actual knowledge of the clothing or it’s history!

I’m not sure where the writer is from, but I live in a country of free expression. I purchased my dress online like anyone else. I was not required to sign an agreement not to use this clothing in a sexual context. Nor does one need to have knowledge of a style to wear it (though I follow several Lolita blogs and am somewhat familiar with the culture). Fashion is like art – it changes with context and continually evolves. There are no rules. I don’t represent anyone but me. And this is how I choose to express myself.

I am an almost 30 year-old woman. I enjoy playing dress up. In the same way I like getting ready for raves, applying brightly colored makeup and glitter, carefully choosing my slutty outfit and putting on my leash and collar (which I often wear at parties). Just like senior prom, getting ready is half the fun.

It could be called fetishistic, being a “girly girl,” or a sexualized form of cosplay.  It doesn’t matter. I just plain like it. I even wore the outfit eating dinner with our neighbors after the shoot.

Yet of course, it is sexual – for me. In the realm of what’s called ‘age play.’ Actually ACTING childish can be part of it, but isn’t necessary and wasn’t a big part of the shoot. I enjoy the mental turn on of being a young inexperienced yet naturally dirty girlwho may want some guidance from an older guy. It probably comes from feeling sexual at a young age yet being very confused and scared of it. Sometimes I fantasize Terry is some older teenage neighbor who gives me a safe space to explore my body.  I’ve never been molested and do not endorse adult-chlid sexual relations (though its ‘normal’ in some cultures like in Paupa New Guinea). Its called a fantasy.  Similar, in some ways, to the adult baby ‘fetish’/lifestyle. I got very into the role, and it was my favorite shoot so far.

I find this fascinating.  I get that Lolitas feel the need to defend their form self-expression. Yet trying to police MY form of expression so they can have theirs is beyond ironic.  Telling me not to use certain tags, post pictures, or even wear the clothes altogether.  I’d imagine people say the exact same to them all the time.

We’re either free to be or we aren’t. Can’t have it both ways. There’s a lot on the internet I don’t like.  Neo Nazi websites, gay-bashing sites, pro ana sites, not to mention a wealth of poorly produced porn I find horribly distasteful. Yet they exist under the same freedom as does this site.  So I choose not to look at content I don’t want to see.

I understand what its like to be judged. I get shit all the time about my choices. Strangers on the internet, people I know, even some very close to me. Behind my back and right to my face. I could complain about how nobody respects sex work, whine about how they should change their perspective or behavior – but I have no power over them. Their words may sting, sometimes downright hurt, but that comes with choices others don’t understand. I’m fortunate to have people in my life who get me and support what I do. I can’t change anyone. All I can do is grow to the point where their words have less impact.

I’m a lot happier being me, despite the shit sometimes hurled my way. And the more secure I am in myself, the less I even notice it. As long as nobody’s well-being is harmed, as long as we’re preserving others’ ability to be free in their way, I always say: have at it.

Edited: March 10th, 2013

Cop on Trial for Cannibalism Fetish?

Cannibal fetish is a new one to me… Fantasize all you want, but ethics come into play when fantasy turns reality.

‘Cannibal Cop’ Trial Begins…:

Valle is charged with conspiring to abduct dozens of women for the purpose of cooking them alive and cannibalizing them. The 28-year-old is also accused of using a police database to target potential victims.

Caught at the center of the case is the adult fetish website DarkFetishNet.com, where 38,000 registered members discuss their girl-grubbing fantasies and recipes.

Valle’s now estranged wife, Kathleen Mangan, stumbled upon the website last year when she discovered her husband was downloading images from the site and participating in online conversations about cannibalism.

“It was porn. It was disturbing,” Mangan testified today about DarkFetishNet.com. “I know S&M is popular with ‘Shades of Grey, but this was different.”

According to NBCNews.com, Mangan went on to describe the violent fantasies Valle had expressed in his online chats.

“I was going to be tied up by my feet and my throat slit, and they were going to watch the blood drain out of me,” Mangan said. “The suffering was for his enjoyment, and he wanted to make it last as long as possible.”

Valle was arrested in October when an FBI investigation lead to the discovery of a list of potential victims on his computer, some of whom were picked out of a law enforcement database and others who were known to Valle in some other capacity.

Assistant U.S. Attorney Random Jackson stressed to the jury during opening statements that, “Gilbert Valle was very serious about these plans.”

Defense attorney Julia Gatto countered by pointing out that “You can’t convict people for their thoughts, even if they’re sick.”

The defense attorney is right. Could having a list of possible victims simply be a part of his fantasies? Sure. But given some were allegedly chosen from a “law enforcement database” – seems to me like he was actually planning a crime.

I don’t care if the thought of killing, cooking and eating people turns you on. Talk about it, fantasize about it, even roleplay it. But doing it crosses moral and ethical boundaries. If its just a fantasy, cool. Reality? Not so much.

Edited: March 3rd, 2013

Porn Review of Bobbi Starr’s Vicarious

I recently masturbated while watching Bobbi Starr’s Vicarious.

I first heard of Bobbi Starr’s Vicarious in this article. I figured, if a straight girl is into it – its probably good.

Bobbi Starr - Vicarious

Bobbi Starr - Vicarious

And I was right. While I did a voyeur webcam show, I watched the first hour of this DVD.

All the scenes featured Bobbi’s POV cam, complemented by two (?) additional cameras catching other angles as well as Bobbi filming. I love the concept – I enjoy female POV shots (since its what I see) but other cameras can sometimes get a better view of the action. I would have enjoyed more shots of the entire scene, showing Bobbi holding her camera. It was hot to see her watching the screen on her camera, seeing her capturing her own pleasure. Nonetheless the concept was itself erotic – Bobbi hired these women to come eat her pussy and play with them, filming it herself. Kinda ruins the whole porn-is-made-by-men-for-men argument.

Bobbi Starr POV - Vicarious

Bobbi Starr POV - Vicarious

Each scene began with snippets from a brief interview with her partner – I saw Skin Diamond, Dylan Ryan, and Ash Hollywood. I always enjoy when interviews are included because I like to know the personality of the girl – its what makes me feel attracted to her, and its easier to mentally put myself in the scene. Interviews were short – maybe a couple minutes each – but it broke up the scenes nicely.

Ash Hollywood & Bobbi Starr - Vicarious

Ash Hollywood & Bobbi Starr - Vicarious

What I love about Bobbi Starr is her kinkiness, and though these were girl-girl scenes each included fetishistic elements. All 3 scenes I saw included stockings – I enjoyed watching Skin Diamond lick the bottom of her heels (something I fantasize about but actually doing it – gross… unless they’re unworn). She then kissed up Bobbi’s thighs and ripped open the crotch of her pantyhose to eat her pussy. The scene with Dylan Ryan included some foot play – rubbing her feet on Dylan’s pussy. I wondered if I could have an orgasm from a woman holding her foot against my pussy as I grind against it… probably. Ash Hollywood looked hot licking her ass from underneath, while fingering Bobbi’s pussy – though her fingernails freaked me out. I don’t get how these porn girls have nails and finger themselves without injury.

From the 3 scenes I saw, the DVD had an artistic and feminine feel but with a kinky edge. I’d definitely recommend to anyone into girl-girl, stockings, and/or has wondered how sex looks from a chick’s perspective (you may not see as much direct action as male POV, but its hot in a more subtle way).

Watch Vicarious here.

Edited: February 16th, 2013

How to Bring Fetish Into Your Sex Life

You may enjoy a sexual fetish on your own, but how do you bring it to life with your partner?

Hear the answer to this question in my interview with Dr. Fran of ImproveIntimacy.com. I interviewed Dr. Fran several weeks ago about her experience going from Roman Catholic nun to sex therapist. Dr. Fran invited me onto her podcast to share all about fetish, how I became a fetish porn star, and how couples can explore their fantasies and fetishes together.

On a mobile device? Click to listen.

Edited: December 29th, 2012

The Psychological Origin of Fantasy

Often sexual fantasy emerges from situations or feelings we experience in life, whether sexually or non-sexually.

Many balloon fetishists remember an early fondness for balloons at birthday parties. A man caught masturbating as a child enjoys masturbation instruction videos, that make him feel ‘okay’ about jerking off. A power hungry CEO craves wearing a diaper and being changed, to completely give up the control he’s accustomed to.

The psychological origin of our fantasies doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them or us, even if our fantasies emerged from something not-so-great in our lives. Fantasy can be a way of dealing with it, and even when the original pain or trauma has subsided, we can still enjoy the fantasy as just that – fantasy.

I spent most my life trying to fit myself into a mold made by others, consciously cutting off parts of myself that didn’t fit. One could say I have “power issues.” There is a very dominant part of me – a woman who wants to be in charge, to tell people what to do, to have them obey, and sometimes to punish when they don’t – probably because I felt powerless much of my life. Because my wants and needs were never at the forefront of my life, and now I want to demand them.

At the same time, I have a VERY submissive side. This can sometimes be seen on camera, though I more often express this at home. I’m used to doing what people tell me, though I hate it in “real life,” a part of me eroticizes it. Submitting without having to think, without having to assert myself, simply receiving whatever comes. So instead of living my WHOLE life based on others’ desires, I express this need through a portion of my sexuality. I have extremely submissive fantasies sometimes, and when the time is right, I will do almost anything Terry wants.

When I enact these ‘power issues’ in my sexuality, the rest of my life seems to go much more smoothly. I’m less bitchy, because I have people listening to me, and I can express my opinions in a more socially conducive way. I stand up for myself more, because I have a space where I don’t have to stand up at all.

When I downplay the dom/sub aspect of my sexuality, I unthinkingly do what people tell me, am unhappy, and take it out on those closest to me.

Had I grown up different, would I still be into domination & submission? Had I lived life how I want it from the beginning, would I feel the need for taking and giving up control? Who knows? But does it hurt anyone if I play this way? No. In fact, I believe it helps my partners (IRL or virtually on webcam) fulfill their needs for power – or lack thereof.

I always say to do whatever you want sexually, so long as you’re not (unconsensually) hurting anyone. The flip side is – if you DON’T do what you want, you may be hurting yourself… and perhaps, unintentionally, you may be hurting those around you.

What do you think?

Edited: December 16th, 2012

Crossdressing Husband?

Think you’re the only one?  Its actually quite common…

 

via Postsecret

via Postsecret

Edited: December 14th, 2012

Where Does a Fantasy or Fetish Come From?

A man is suddenly aroused by an interracial cuckold fantasy and small penis humiliation fetish.

Where does it come from? For that matter, where do any of our fantasies and fetishes come from?


Where Does Fantasy and Fetish Come From? –… by kelseysextips

Edited: October 26th, 2012

Penises Have Feelings Too?

Sometimes our bodies don’t work the way we want. I recently had a Skype consultation with a man with a spanking fetish. He was new to dating after a 20 year relationship, and was very nervous when it came to “vanilla” sex. He’d loved it with his previous partner, until she stopped indulging his fetish and his confidence plummeted. Then erectile dysfunction became an issue, and they virtually stopped having sex altogether.

Now wanting to get back in the saddle, this man was looking to get back in touch with his “vanilla” side.

Whether or not you have a penis or a spanking fetish, there’s something to learn from this man’s experience. What happens when there’s a disconnect between the mind and the body? Between what we want and what ends up happening in the bedroom? And how do we repair it?

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: October 14th, 2012

Are You Compatible in Bed?

How can a relationship work when each partner has different desires? Sexual compatibility is important if you want to be happy and fulfilled, but it doesn’t mean you have to share the same fantasies! How do you know if you’re compatible? What can you do if you’re not?

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: September 22nd, 2012

Turning Fantasy Into Reality

Do you have a fantasy you’ve been dying to try, but your partner isn’t into it? Or are you scared they’ll turn you down?

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: August 25th, 2012

Let Me Share a Secret…

I have a confession to make: I love sex.

I’ve noticed lately that I spend a lot of time justifying my work to myself. I have all sorts of academic and intellectual theories about why I do what I do, the benefit it has to people, etc. In all honestly, if it weren’t for these grand ideas I probably wouldn’t be in porn because my #1 goal in life has always been to help others.

But regardless, at the end of the day, I make porn because I love sex. I love talking about it. Reading about it. Writing about it. Doing it. Trying new things with new people. Experiencing sexual subcultures. Making sex videos. Basically…I love sex.

And I discovered a set of beliefs been behind my mental justifications: I’m too sexual. My expression of sexuality is too out there. Oh, its fine for other people. But not for me. I’m a good girl. I shouldn’t like sex, let alone earn my living from it. Sex should be – at best – a weekend hobby. My exhibitionist perverted exploits are a sign that something is wrong with me, my lifestyle, my choice in life partner. Basically, that I shouldn’t love sex.

Would I feel this if I were a man? I don’t think so. My husband doesn’t seem to have this hangup, anyway, and he’s been making porn for almost a decade now.

I can have my theories and beliefs about how porn can help people, how it can change our cultural ideas about sex and relationships, how the most effective sex information comes from those who do it. And that’s important to me. But that’s not WHY I make porn. I make porn first and foremost because I love to fuck, in whatever way fucking means today (and if you’ve seen my fetish site, you know I see sex in anything and everything). The impact it has on my fans and followers – its all secondary – because no way would I do it if I didn’t get off on it in one way or another.

Its time to be honest with myself: I love sex. And that’s okay.

Edited: July 2nd, 2012

Does Being Sexually “Different” Mean You’re a Pervert? (And is that a bad thing?)

Sex and morality – for some it seems these are opposite sides of the universe.

Ironically, we can watch people’s heads get blown off on TV and play video games that began as military training, but enjoying our bodies is immoral. Or enjoying them in the wrong context. But who sets that context?

Why is sexual diversity so often framed as sexual perversion? (With all the negative connotation that the word “pervert” implies.) Because it diverts from our stereotypical notions that sex ideally occurs between a man and woman in a committed (preferably marital) relationship, consisting perhaps of some foreplay (she hopes) and a penis in a vagina. And if we’re “liberal” – we can accept this sort of situation between two women and two men (though we rarely want to imagine the latter). But tolerance is not acceptance.

We accept diversity in other areas of life far easier than in sexuality. We don’t expect everyone to like the same food – we don’t even limit ourselves to our local cuisine. Imagine an American only eating “American” foods? A diet of hamburgers, hot dogs, high fructose corn syrup convenience store snacks, soda, meat, potatoes, the occasional vegetable – oh, and apple pie? But were food sex, Andrew Zimmern wouldn’t be hosting Bizarre Foods – why, that’d be pure filth, gutter garbage smut, NOT an exotic culinary adventure. We don’t expect everyone to like the same music, movies, or television. Yet sex… somehow we’re all supposed to be relatively the same. And if you’re not – whether you believe in it or not – you may as well be going to hell.

It doesn’t matter if you’re gay, a fetishist, or a sex worker (God forbid your’e all three) – in many circles, engaging in “deviant” sexual practices can pin one as a BAD PERSON. Nevermind these people may also sing, dance, laugh, cry, work, and rest like everyone else. Their perverse sexuality BECOMES them; they are reduced to it. And it, being so different from the norm we pick up from cheesy romantic movies and stereotypical mainstream porn, is necessarily bad, wrong, abnormal – i.e., IMMORAL.

And living an immoral life carries its share of guilt and shame, whether one feels it for themselves, or as projected by others. Minorities of many types experience this sort of pain that adds an extra challenge to overcome. Its why we’re so much more inspired by stories of overcoming adversity, than we are of middle class people working their way up the corporate ladder to middle management.

US culture is beginning to recognize the struggle of gays, lesbians, and bisexuals (think: Brokeback Mountain and Harvey Milk). But the prejudice, shame, and pain they often encounter isn’t limited to that community. Its part of a larger cultural sexual shame that keeps us all – whether we’re a pervert or the most bland vanilla in existence – so tightly bound we can’t enjoy the body we were given by God, nature, or whoever/whatever created us. Because its not as if being sexually normal equals sexual ecstasy – on the contrary, erectile and orgasm issues are common among married “vanilla” couples. Perhaps the judgment placed on others is really a judgment of self. Can’t say I haven’t done it before myself.

I’ve yet to meet a person – the boringest of borings or the craziest of crazies – that doesn’t desire to be loved. That love starts within. And as long as we’re pointing fingers at each other’s sexualities and imposing moral judgments as though we’re God and we weren’t all made by God, there isn’t much room to love our own, now is there?

Edited: June 30th, 2012

The Beauty of Masturbation and the Human Body

Masturbation can be beautiful.

Says the woman who was so ashamed of it, she’d get it over ASAP then immediately switch to another task… as if to pretend it hadn’t happened at all.

During masturbation recently, I set an intention with myself – to give myself love and receive it. Cheesy? Totally. Important? Absolutely.

What could be more beautiful than allowing yourself to feel love for yourself? Most people walk around putting themselves down as if its the latest tween wave beat – or worse, as if they’re South Park’s Kyle, diagnosed with a condition called “being a cynical asshole.” How often do people compete in a whining competition about whose life is worse? Get one woman in a group to complain about her body, and most the rest will jump on board. And Jesus Christ, I never realized how insecure men are about their penis size until I made a YouTube video about it, which only spawned MORE emails to double check their size is okay. Its almost rare to meet someone with high self esteem; it can seem most everyone’s insecure and not doing that well hiding it. Sometimes I can fall into that category too.

We’ve grown up in a culture that finds the “natural” body disgusting. This taboo is partly why body functions – farting, burping, spitting, sneezing, vomiting, shitting, pissing, and even laughing and crying – have become sexual fetishes to some (in another culture others would probably still enjoy them, but for other reasons). This emerges from a long history of religious puritanism, public health campaigns of the 19th and early 20th centuries, and modern medicine rooted in the questionable “germ theory“.

We are blessed that our bodies are set up for pleasure. Yet if we despise the body for what it “naturally” is and does – then we also shut off the possibility of appreciating what it allows us to experience. Perhaps many people feel bad about sex and masturbation because they don’t believe they deserve it. Or worse, that its overindulgent, narcissistic, too much. Its not necessary. They don’t let themselves feel all the pleasure that’s in their bodies. Then they’re surprised it doesn’t work out so well with a partner…

I’m talking about myself, and I’m talking about people who email me about their sex concerns. Since masturbation is self-pleasure, it may be the ultimate expression of self-love, if only we’ll allow ourselves to feel it.

Edited: June 24th, 2012

Kinky Fetish Sex is Easy… “Making Love” is a Challenge: Reflections on My Version of Women’s Sexuality

Women’s sexuality: What does it mean? More pointedly, what does it mean to me? What does it (or men’s sexuality, for the guys) mean to you?

Just as we all like different foods, so too do we like different sex. We each have a unique emotional relationship to the foods we eat. Some overeat while others starve themselves; I’ve often used food for comfort myself. We similarly have a unique emotional experience with our sexuality, shaped by our own baggage, hangups, and those things we call our “issues.” So what is women’s sexuality (or men’s, for that matter)? All I can say is, here’s mine at the moment:

Though I make porn for a living, my primary social circles aren’t in the adult industry. When I talk with “civilians” (people outside the industry) and explain my vision and how I’m working toward it, I’m often complimented on my bravery. People who see my YouTube videos email me their questions, nothing things like, “I’m not as open about my sexuality as you,” and “You’re so courageous for taking on these fetish topics and expressing yourself.”

Not to toot my own horn, but they’re right. It took almost 3 years of producing and starring in my videos before I really felt confident in my choices. It was a huge challenge to follow my exhibitionist desire to experiment on camera, not to mention exploring more private desires in my personal life.

But they’re also wrong. Its become fairly easy to express the wild crazy aspects of my sexuality. I am an exhibitionist. I am pretty kinky. I do have a dirty mind. I will try new sexual things for the hell of it. I have no problem sharing and acting out these fantasies with my husband. And its no big deal to do crazy shit on camera, whether its my personal fetish or not. I fully accept and love that part of myself.

But that’s not the only side of my sexuality. There’s a softer side, a more – for lack of a better word – feminine side. This part of myself seems to be a deeper challenge – the part of myself that truly allows myself to feel physical pleasure. Fetish, for me, is largely a mental desire. As someone who’s lived most her life in her head, it feels natural. It feels good too, but the turn on and get off comes primarily from the mind.

But oral sex, for instance, is physical. Its my partner using their mouth to (theoretically) make me feel good. Its all about my pussy. “Making love” (or “playing” as I prefer to call that sort of sex), to me, is about sensual pleasure. His goosebumps beneath my fingers, the taste of his saliva, the smell of our sweat mixing together. His mouth on my clit, his fingers at my g-spot.

And at present, that can feel scary. Its vulnerable, to ask for what I want, sensually, and to allow myself to receive it. To let that guard down with another human being present. Hell, even to do so with myself at times. Its not that it never happens – I know how amazing it is because I HAVE experienced it – but I’m also aware I’ve put up walls to protect that part of myself.

I get emails all the time from men who are too afraid to be vulnerable and share their fetish with a partner. In some ways, I’m no different.

Sex “problems” are a window into the psyche. T. Harv Eker says, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” I can only speak for my experience, but when I’m scared to be vulnerable in sex, I’m also afraid to be vulnerable with my family and friends. Just as I was scared I wouldn’t be loved for my wild side, I’m still terrified I won’t be loved for my feminine side. Perhaps I’m not yet in love with that part of myself.

Some people see me as a sex expert, but I’m still learning just like them.

I challenge you to consider: Are you “in touch” with your masculine or feminine sides (we all have both)? If not, how does it show up outside the bedroom (or wherever you like to fuck)?

Edited: May 12th, 2012

How to Communicate About Your Fetish

We’re not always into what our partners assume. How can you share your fetish with a partner without hurting their feelings?

Email from a reader:

I have a bit of a weird sort of anti-fetish, I’m not really into boobs or the ass like most men are, I prefer smooth long legs and a nice mid-drift and belly. I often feel uncomfortable when I’m in a personal situation and a woman asks if I like her ass or boobs. I play affectionately with them, but that’s about it really. Is this normal for other guys too, and how do I break my  lack of attraction to boobs or ass to my respective partner?

Everyone has their own preferences, so you’re certainly not alone.  

From your question, it doesn’t seem you’re repulsed by tits and ass – but they’re not what turns you on.  In that case, I wouldn’t tell a woman you’re NOT into those body parts.  It may make her feel bad (she’s probably used to being admired for them) and she probably enjoys having you touch them.  Instead, affirm they ARE hot, while complimenting her on what you’re really into:

“Yeah they’re sexy.  And you know what I think is really hot?  Your legs and belly.”  

When you find yourself noticing her legs and midriff, compliment her.  In time she’ll understand that’s what you’re into.  Continue to compliment her overall beauty also, so she knows you appreciate the whole package.

Edited: April 26th, 2012

How Does Religion Affect Fetish Sex & Sexuality?

I got an interesting question in my email about religion and kinky fetish sex

:

Just wondered if you are an atheist, agnostic? Or religious?

I’m just curious for curiosity’s sake. While stumbling upon your stuff. If religious beliefs affects girls to be more open or closed about sex, especially very kinky stuff… or if its relevant at all. Some say being religious, or having had a religious upbringing can make the “sin/taboo” part of it seem more explosive. At the same time, I guess girls that are more intelligent see through the religious stuff as a way of sexual control, and just experiment more. I guess people like Sasha Grey are kind of like that.

Do you have any thoughts on this?

I was raised culturally (not religiously) Jewish, so I never got the “sex = hell” message as a child, though I did get plenty of guilt :)  I was very involved in the Jewish community in college but have since found other paths.

Currently, I’d say I’m flirting with spirituality, growing out of agnosticism.  I feel any sex between two consenting adults has the potential to be a spiritual experience.  If we’re both present, enjoying our bodies, and respecting one another (even if the act appears disrespectful) – to me, its one of the ultimate spiritual experiences.  Our bodies were made to experience pleasure, and as long as you’re not hurting anyone, its THE gift of having a physical body.  Along with a good meal :)

I don’t see religion, per se, as anti-sex.  At the core, most religions are teaching the same values – its the dogma and religious leaders telling us how to live our lives that scares people about sexuality.  As we moved from more agrarian egalitarian societies to private land-owning patriarchal cultures, women’s sexuality has particularly been controlled through religion to ensure land ownership is properly transferred from father to son.  The book Sex at Dawn has a great discussion on this.

There’s also a huge cultural influence of eugenics – the ‘science’ of creating the ‘perfect’ human that was used to legitimize the Holocaust.  This was developed in the 1800s by Sir Francis Galton, cousin of Darwin, espousing the belief that only certain types of people are ‘fit’ to breed.  After the Holocaust, eugenic scientists went underground but their influence lives on today through population reduction programs and other means.  This is an extreme form of sexual control, and paired with the religious sin perspective common in the US – it creates a very powerful sex-negative environment.

“Kinky” fetish sexuality really depends on the culture.  What’s freaky in one place is normal in another.  In the US, people are worried about showing a nipple on TV, but in Europe entire families go to nude beaches.  The power and allure of taboo is quite powerful though, and not just related to sex – I’ve read that alcohol consumption increased during prohibition.  If we lived in a more sexually open society, the incidence of kinky sex might decrease for some – if its not taboo, people may no longer be aroused by it.  But conversely, if more people are aware and feel okay to engage in kinky sex – it could also increase — or perhaps the two sides might even out.

Edited: April 14th, 2012

What Do Sexual Fantasies Mean?

Where do sexual fantasies come from, and what does it say about who we are?

Stanley Siegel paints us a picture:

You are sitting in front of a computer screen surfing porn sites ready to get off. You sift through scenes and images until you connect to one. Suddenly, every element of desire falls perfectly in line. You become intensely excited, your physical and mental energy sharply focused and shutting out other thoughts. Eventually, you climax.

Most of us do not meticulously analyze what just happened. There might be some curiosity about why a certain porn turns us on. Typically, after getting off to it, we feel temporarily satisfied and pull ourselves back together.

True that.

Porn Can Bring Out Our Deepest Darkest Fantasies

Porn Can Bring Out Our Deepest Darkest Fantasies

Sexual fantasies, whether elaborate romantic themes or sporadic images of muscular arms or big breasts, mean much more than we think. Specific erotic images are connections to deeper inner truths long banished from consciousness.

Porn intensely focuses our mental and physical attention, uncovering specific emotions eroticized much earlier in life. Through our sexual fantasies, we attempt to master feelings of powerlessness, shame, guilt, fear and loneliness that have followed us into adulthood. Encoded in the porn scenes that lead us to orgasm are the psychological antidotes to these feelings. Situating ourselves in humiliating, romantic or risky scenes counteracts painful feelings by turning them into pleasurable ones. Psychologically, this happens outside our awareness, the way blood cells heal a cut finger without our knowing it.

The most common feelings people eroticize are:

• powerlessness and helplessness

• detachment and emptiness

• rejection and abandonment

• anger and aggression

• inadequacy, guilt and shame

• insecurity, loneliness and vulnerability

But is having the fantasy a problem in and of itself? No. When we have “unconventional” desires, we often hide them, further fueling any shame or negative emotions attached to the fantasy. Rather, if we embrace the fantasy – and perhaps even live it out (to the extent its possible in a safe and consensual manner) – we can not only understand ourselves on a deeper level, but we show ourselves love for the darker corners of the psyche.

The more we beat ourselves up over our sexual fantasies, try to avoid them, or assume they mean there’s something wrong with us – we allow ourselves to be taken further into whatever issues the fantasy reveals. The truth is, most of us have at least some so-called “unhealthy” desires because we live in a society that tells us sex is bad, sinful, or at best – something straight married people do to make babies. Sure we see sexuality all around us, but in an artificial, plastic way that does little to help us understand – let alone validate – our individual feelings and experiences.

Embrace fantasy, even – no, ESPECIALLY – if it makes you uncomfortable. If you begin addressing the issues it brings up, the fantasy may play more or a less role in your sex life. Look at the fantasy for what it is – a pattern of thought and emotion that leads to physical arousal and pleasure – and go from there. Human beings are extraordinarily simple and complex at once; our experiences do shape our sexuality, just as they shape every other part of us. Its not good, its not bad – it simply is. Accept – or even LOVE – this part of yourself, and you’re on the path to sexual healing.

Edited: February 17th, 2012

Why I Love Fetish, Part 3

Communication. Fetish requires communication, because it sure as hell won’t happen without it.

Sociologists say we operate on social scripts — culturally shared ideas about how we should behave based on social norms. We may or may not personally agree with them, but we figure everyone else does, so when we interact we’re all working from the same script in one way or another.

The typical heterosexual sexual script goes like this: girl gives subtle (often unconscious) cues to guy that she’s interested (playing with hair, way she’s sitting or standing, touching, etc.). Guy makes the first move and generally leads the show around the bases, using that old baseball analogy:

From kissing and touching, maybe stopping in oral town, to the grand finale — penis-in-vagina sex until the guy comes. Ever see a romantic movie? That’s usually what goes down. Unfortunately we let movies tell us how to be when we’re not aware of other options. Ask me how I know.

But there’s nothing necessarily wrong with that scenario. Sometimes I like just letting sex “happen” to me, sometimes I feel like being sexual without putting a whole lot of work into it. When I want, my boyfriend can give me the experience of simply being fucked. Of course, he knows my body to give me some pleasure along the way, and not every dude I’ve been with could. The difference is that we do communicate about sex, and we do have sex where I’m very active, so I feel comfortable and safe going with the flow of his desire. That is, we venture outside the heterosexual script enough that I know I can enjoy our sex whatever we do.

Sadly there are couples who never experience much but the standard script, and it can’t be that satisfying to either party. The largest sex survey of the 90s found that while men had orgasms more often than women, they were similarly physically and emotionally satisfied (or rather, unsatisfied) with their sex lives. Only 40-47% of men and women felt extremely physically and emotionally satisfied with their sex lives, though 75% of men always orgasm with their primary partner (only 29% of women). Now, we don’t really know what they were doing in bedroom or wherever they fuck, but I’d bet good money that those who are more adventurous have better sex. One word: communication.

First, you must voice the desire. Given our sexual scripts, its reasonable to assume my I like having my pussy eaten, but if that’s all I get I’m bored. I need to express the whole of my sexuality, so when I tell my boyfriend about a crazy fantasy I’m opening the line of communication between us. If I can tell him to wrestle me, pin me down, and force me to masturbate by rubbing his dick against my pussy — there’s no reason I can’t guide him how to lick my clit better.

Then, there are logistics. Porn and movies can make it seem like good sex spontaneously happens. Sure, it can. But it can also be funny, awkward, or even painful if its not done right. To make fetish happen, you have to discuss it beforehand — otherwise you have no idea what the other person wants. How do I want to be held down? What parts of my arms should he grab, and which areas will hurt if grabs the wrong way? Where does he pull my hair, and how hard? How much should he let me struggle – does he apply the same strength the entire time, or does he change it up, letting me think I’ll get away and then surprise me back into submission?

So now you’re doing it… and its not quite right. Or its amazing! Either way, communicating during the act will make that clear to your partner. If he pulls my hair and it hurts (not in the good way), I don’t just scream and say “Fuck it, we’re done.” I tell him it hurts, and either guide him how to do it better or give him space to try it another way. Sometimes he comes up with something I’d have never asked for!

Most couples will benefit from “spicing it up” once in awhile, or MORE. Whether you’ve got a crazy kinky side that’s dying to come out, or someone who really enjoys “vanilla” sex — using your words to create a new sexual scenario is empowering and, in my experience, incredibly intimate.

Edited: December 9th, 2011

Sexual Preferences Versus Fetishes

Recently its come to my attention just how dirty I am. As I’ve written previously, I like my natural filth. And my partners’

 

I love the smell and taste of ass, sweat, genitals, and sometimes feet. But I wouldn’t say I have an ass, sweat, dick/pussy, or foot fetish. I wouldn’t say I have a smell fetish either. I appreciate my lover’s body, as is, and his/her smell and taste.

 

It simply feels natural. Its different from my boyfriend’s ass obsession, where he loves (almost) everything about the female behind. He can always get off to anything anal. I don’t necessarily get off on sucking his butthole or feet, though I can.

 

I’d say my dirtiness is a preference. His is a fetish.

Edited: November 1st, 2011