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Sexual Honesty – Are You Telling The Truth About Your Sexuality?

I’ve been reading this book called Radical Honesty by Dr. Brad Blanton.

I think most of us agree that honesty is important to a relationship. But actually BEING honest can be hard. Especially about sex.

Have you told your partner (or past partners);

  • Your complete sexual history?
  • What REALLY turns you on?
  • How exactly you masturbate?
  • Whether you’ve cheated on them? Been attracted to anyone else since you’ve been with them?

The list could really go on and on, and most of us would say no to at least one…

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Edited: April 13th, 2014

Faking It Is Lying And My Pants Are On Fire

I always thought faking orgasms was stupid. Why would I want to train my partner to have bad habits? I’ve never done it in real life. And I’ve only done it on camera 3 or 4 times at the beginning of my website before I decided that was stupid and unnecessary too. If I say I’m cumming, I am. If I don’t, I’m not.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t ever faked anything. I think most women have. Probably most men too. But usually in other ways…

A couple weeks ago – Terry caught me. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until he asked. Over the next few days, I kept noticing other things I’ve been faking. Faking being another term for LYING. God damn. I’m a fucking liar. Not intentionally. Not explicitly. But every time I pretend to feel a way I don’t – that’s a lie. Don’t voice my opinion in a situation where it truly matters – lie. I lie by omission to make other people happy. Or to not anger them. To avoid rocking the boat.

Not all the time, of course. Probably more than some people. Definitely less than others. But more than I’d like. Because I realized what lying does – it creates a wall. Its hard to feel close to someone when you’re not being truthful. Snuggle up all you want, you can’t break an invisible barrier.

So are you (unintentionally) wearing an emotional condom?

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Edited: February 28th, 2014

Relationship Problems: When Honesty Isn’t Easy

“Experts” like to say “just talk about it” when there are relationship problems – but that’s easier said than done.

A true friend will lovingly call you on your shit because they support your own growth. In my opinion, the best romantic relationships are based on a solid friendship. But if it were easy to be a good friend, more people would have better friendships.

I was always the quiet one, and really communicating my feelings hasn’t come naturally. Especially when I see someone I love acting in a way that’s causing themselves or others pain. Its hard to shine the light on a part of someone’s life they’d rather not see, even though I know they will thank me in the long run. That uncomfortable moment where my words ignite the hurt that often seems to accompany first denial, then realization that I know them, I see them, and I love them – and I may not be 100% correct, but my observation isn’t totally wrong either. I’m afraid to voice my feelings, scared they won’t love me anymore if I tell what I see as the truth.

My usual habit has been to hint at the topic and hope they bring it up. They never do because they don’t know its there. Then I somehow feel rejected, as if they don’t care to hear the opinion they don’t know I have. I’ll smile while I’m screaming at them in my head. I’ll turn it around and blame them. I’ll pull away or cause unnecessary arguments until it either comes out or I get distracted by something else going on in life.

My husband, on the other hand, will drop bombs. He’ll deliver a truth I don’t want to hear in such a way that I want to argue just so he won’t be right. I’ll cry, he’ll apologize. But over the next few minutes, hours, days it’ll trickle into my subconscious. Though he speaks it in a hurtful way, and sometimes he’s projecting — he usually has a point. I’m always glad to his message. But his delivery makes me avoid talking about the issue with him, which may inhibit the very growth he’s trying to help.

Being honest AND respectful is a skill we’re both learning as we go.

Edited: July 24th, 2012