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Open Relationship vs. Cheating

I’m on FetLife, though I rarely use it. But occasionally I get an interesting message, such as this one:

You look beautiful, quick question I am married too, but I am looking to have a open relationship as well, any suggestion? because I can’t discuss this matter with my wife, she wouldn’t understand

If you can’t talk about it with your wife, its not an open relationship. Its cheating. The basis of an open relationship is trust, honesty, and communication.

Try the books Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy and Opening Up by Tristan Taormino to understand better how these things actually work.

Good luck.

Edited: October 8th, 2014

Help! My Girlfriend Wants to Do Porn and I’m Jealous

Question via Tumblr: how can i deal with jealousy ? my girlfriend wants to do porn

The best way to address jealousy is to identify what exactly your fears are and talk about them. Before Terry & I filmed his anal scenes where he fucked other girls in the ass, we talked about it. A lot. I was fully behind the idea but still had some feelings of jealousy to address.

Jealousy is mostly insecurity that your partner will want someone more than they want you. Which IS always a risk if you’re opening up your relationship in some way. It goes away the more you learn to trust your partner and value yourself. The way I look at it, he might have fun with other chicks now and then, but is casual sex really going to trump the love & connection we share? No way. Is some chick going to have a better butt to fuck than me? He’s very happy with what he has at home, so even if he has the time of his life in the moment, at the end of the day its always just us.

But that also doesn’t mean you need to be okay with a more open relationship. Its definitely not for everyone. In my opinion, if your girlfriend is interested in doing porn or any kind of sex work, that’s bringing additional people into your sex life. Its something you both need to enjoy, otherwise the relationship won’t last very long. If she’s unwilling to talk about your feelings or doesn’t care – there’s something far more wrong with the relationship than her wanting to do porn. In which case, porn WILL break you up. But if you don’t address what’s going on more deeply, you’ll probably break up regardless.

Edited: March 6th, 2014

Is Fantasy Better Than Reality?

I often encourage you to explore your fantasies… but some of them are left better in our minds than in reality.

Today I talk about a listener’s situation. He and his wife decided to try a cuckold fantasy, and he really enjoyed watching her get fucked by another guy. But she wants to keep going… and has had sex with her new ‘friend’ again… and simply put, her husband is not cool with it.

So where do they go from here? Whether this situation resonates with you, or there’s some other fantasy you want to try – you’ll learn exactly how to explore your desires without compromising your relationship!

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Edited: November 23rd, 2013

What’s a Cuckold Fetish? Interview With Jimmy Broadway

The cuckold fetish is basically where the woman (in a ‘straight’ couple) openly has sex with other men.

It goes in reverse too, where the guy openly has sex with other women – called a cuckquean fetish (this term definitely could apply to my relationship!).

I often encountered the cuckold fetish when I worked on webcam. I enjoyed roleplaying, but I always wondered how this could work in “real life.” Many of the men I worked with fantasized about their woman taking their money, their dignity and sometimes only being allowed to eat other men’s semen from their woman’s pussy with no other sexual contact. Not all men took it to this extreme, but it was more common than I would have expected.

Obviously we don’t bring ALL our fantasies to life, but I’ve got several emails in my inbox from guys wanting to know how to get their woman to ‘cuckold’ them.

Curious myself, I asked fetish video producer Jimmy Broadway to join me on the podcast. Jimmy is co-owner of SevereSocietyFilms.com and frequently films cuckold fetish films. Jimmy is intimately familiar with the fantasy AND reality of cuckold relationships – how to make it work, and how it can go wrong.

Hear us talk about -

- Why are guys turned on by their woman fucking another guy?
- What role does bisexuality play?
- What are the risks of the cuckold relationship? What can go right, and what could go wrong?
- How can a couple safely explore the cuckold fantasy?
- What’s the #1 most important element of a happy cuckold relationship?

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: May 4th, 2013

Interview With Swinger Porn Star Siri

Porn star Siri is a 24 year old married swinger who is passionate about, well, sex!

Siri entered the porn business in 2012 after she graduated from college. Siri knew she wanted to be in porn since age 19 and began exploring the swinger’s scene when she met her husband Brad. She’s clearly smart and educated enough to do whatever she wants in life — and porn is it! Nothing better than an intelligent woman who chooses a career that she truly loves.

Porn Star Siri

Porn Star Siri

Siri’s authentic love of sex has helped her win Miss FreeOnes 2012 and a nomination for AVN Best New Starlet 2013. The newest addition to the VNA network – home of stars like Vicky Vette, Nikki Benz and Sara Jay – Siri will be exploring her sexuality for her pleasure AND yours for years to come!

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Siri has an awesome blog where she regularly interacts with her fans at SiriPornStar.com. Follow her on Twitter @SiriPornStar. And check out her kinky fetish videos!

Edited: April 30th, 2013

My Wife’s Bisexual – How Do We Open Up Our Relationship?

When one partner is bisexual, its common to desire an open relationship in one way or another.

Question via Tumblr:

Hey Kelsey, we’ve listened to your cast for a few months now and really enjoy the perspective you bring to sex and relationships. Now the question: where do we go from here? The “here” being our relationship. My wife of 22 years is highly probably bi. We have a great sex life, full of communication and fun. She is rather disturbed by the possibility of being bi as she has to date not had a girl /girl play date. I believe I would be all for a 3 way with another female.

I believe I’d be ok with her having a female fwb even if I wasn’t involved. Naturally I would like to be involved, either participate, watch, see pix or at min hear abt the encounters. She (and I to be truthful) fear that opening our relationship this much is courting disaster. We have 5 kids and a fantastic life and dont want to destroy it. We are somewhat kinky and think this would super fun. Added problem. I found a female who is 10 years older than us I think would be perfect.

The female in question has been a friend of ours for many years. The lady works with me. She and I have talked about it and Im reasonably sure she is up for it if the situation were to be constructed properly. So, is the co worker a bad plan? Is the whole thing a bad plan?

Its normal to be nervous and scared to take a new step in your relationship, especially opening up to a third party. However since its your wife’s desires that are in question here, she needs to be the one initiating the action. You can encourage her, but you cannot take that step for her. It may be hard for you to be in her shoes, since obviously you know you like women. Why WOULDN’T she want to have a pussy in her face?

But exploring the same gender can take some easing in. Girl-girl sex is a whole new ball game (well, a no-ball-game) from sex with a guy. Its like losing one’s virginity all over again, learning what to do with a woman’s body, and most of all – getting comfortable with feeling and acting on those same-sex desires.

Whenever it comes to opening up a ‘straight’ relationship, I always suggest the woman take the lead. She needs to find someone SHE is comfortable with.

I’d definitely stay away from your co-worker, at least to start. Its better to begin with someone neutral or a friend/acquaintance of hers. The co-worker is primarily YOUR friend. You see her every day and your wife does not. Were you to participate, watch, or even just hear about their exploits, its building your attraction to your co-worker. Then because you’re with her far more than your wife — its an uneven situation. Far more potential for jealousy (on your wife’s part) and you to develop feelings for your co-worker (and potential to ACT on those feelings without your wife) that could jeopardize your marriage.

It sounds like you’re a super supportive husband, which is awesome because (believe it or not) some guys are threatened by a woman’s bisexuality. But it seems like you’re getting ahead of yourself. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with Terry picking out a woman for us to play with, and that’s pretty common. I’ve encountered many couples new to swinging & open relationships where the guy is pushing for the situation and the woman isn’t ready. It never works out well. I’d suggest letting your wife explore on her own first, on her own time – whether its in the next few weeks, months, or even years. Then allow her to invite you into that part of her sexuality when she’s ready.

Both of you can check out the book The Ethical Slut – I read this when I started exploring my bisexuality and desire for open relationships, found it very helpful. I’ve also heard Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is good but I haven’t read it myself.

Edited: April 22nd, 2013

Interview With 100% Lesbian Porn Star Lily Cade

Lily Cade is a “gold star lesbian” porn star, meaning she’s 100% into girls – she’s never fucked a guy and never wants to.

Lily started in sex work as a dominatrix in college and has been performing in adult films since 2008.

Lily is one of a few California legal married lesbians and shares an open relationship with her wife. Lily has been with hundreds of women on camera and off – her blunt honesty gets her into more girls’ panties than most guys would dream of.

Hear Lily talk about her experience in the adult world, her advice for getting women into bed and how to stay happy in an open relationship.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Follow Lily on Twitter!
Watch us both at LilyCade.com and KelseyObsession.com.

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Edited: March 17th, 2013

My First Time at a Strip Club

Last weekend I went to a strip club the first time. Strip clubs often make women jealous, but I took my husband and bought him a lap dance. And myself one!

I didn’t know, but it the club turned out to primarily employ lesbians and bisexual girls. Being close to a “couples friendly” sex shop also meant many women, and even some lesbian couples, were also there to enjoy the view. While most the strippers looked bored while dancing for guys, many gave me and the other female patrons some special treatment.

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Hear about my first time, and please share any stories about yours! (Especially you, ladies!)

Edited: October 23rd, 2012

No Means No: Where Else Does Swinger’s Club Etiquette Apply?

I wouldn’t call myself a swinger, but my husband and I frequent swinger’s clubs and parties on occasion.

No matter where I go, there’s one main rule:

No means no.

We recently went to The Green Door in Las Vegas. We had two encounters with other couples, or rather – I did with the female partners.

Couple 1: I was laying on a bed while my husband licked my pussy. My eyes are closed, and when I opened them a dark skinned curvy woman was on the bed nearby, being fucked doggy style. We began making out and touching each other while my husband ate my pussy and her guy fucked her. Her guy reached down and touched my breast. I said, “Please don’t touch me,” as I continued to feel up his chick. A little while later I was on the other side of them, and touched her body while he continued to fuck her. I rubbed her ass, making her moan loudly, when he reached over and touched me again. I said, “Please don’t.” Shortly after, he came and they left. That was that.

Couple 2: Was sucking my husband’s dick when I looked up to see a couple sitting on a couch next to our bed. The guy commented something about our fucking and we start a conversation. Our work came up, of course, and my husband explained that I’m not interested in other guys, only chicks. I lay back for him to lick my pussy again, and he asked the very attractive female partner if she wanted to lick it instead. She came over, and her guy sat next to me on the bed. He asked, “Is it okay if I sit here?” I said, “Yeah, just don’t touch me.” To which he said, “Of course not.” She licked my pussy and fingered me while I sucked my husband’s dick, and sometime in the middle of all that her guy started fucking her pussy. I squirted. A great time was had by all, and we exchanged numbers for next time we’re in town.

As we drove back to the hotel, my husband said, “If we were ever to swap, I think I’d be cool with a couple like that.” I agreed.

Why? Respect. Men can be extremely impatient when it comes to sex, and in my opinion, restraint is VERY attractive. When my husband and I first hanging out, he kissed my cheek one night and I yelled about how I wasn’t going to make out with him. I wasn’t ready. He laughed and didn’t push it. I slept on his couch that night, and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he told me he sleeps naked…I fantasized about coming into his bedroom, but I didn’t. I wasn’t ready. But two nights later I went over to his house, fucked him, and the rest is history.

Men don’t realize: if they’d just calm the fuck down, they’d “get” way more pussy. Sometimes women play hard to get, but if she’s not showing any interest in you – no probably means no.

Edited: July 8th, 2012