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Who’s Got Masturbation Shame?

I do I do!

Seriously, I’d think I woulda been over this shit by now. (I’ve written a bit about it before.)

But I’m notttttttt!

Or I wassssssn’t when I recorded this 6 weeks ago… (slow on the posting, to be sort of explained next podcast). The odd thing about shame is that talking about it kinda makes it go away some. So maybe listening to me talk about mine can help you give voice to yours…

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Edited: July 7th, 2014

Faking It Is Lying And My Pants Are On Fire

I always thought faking orgasms was stupid. Why would I want to train my partner to have bad habits? I’ve never done it in real life. And I’ve only done it on camera 3 or 4 times at the beginning of my website before I decided that was stupid and unnecessary too. If I say I’m cumming, I am. If I don’t, I’m not.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t ever faked anything. I think most women have. Probably most men too. But usually in other ways…

A couple weeks ago – Terry caught me. I wasn’t even aware I was doing it until he asked. Over the next few days, I kept noticing other things I’ve been faking. Faking being another term for LYING. God damn. I’m a fucking liar. Not intentionally. Not explicitly. But every time I pretend to feel a way I don’t – that’s a lie. Don’t voice my opinion in a situation where it truly matters – lie. I lie by omission to make other people happy. Or to not anger them. To avoid rocking the boat.

Not all the time, of course. Probably more than some people. Definitely less than others. But more than I’d like. Because I realized what lying does – it creates a wall. Its hard to feel close to someone when you’re not being truthful. Snuggle up all you want, you can’t break an invisible barrier.

So are you (unintentionally) wearing an emotional condom?

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Edited: February 28th, 2014

My Sexual Secrets: How I Discovered I Have “Sexual Anorexia”

When I said I was nervous about posting something the other day, this podcast is what I was referring to.

My work may often require nudity, but being honest feels even more naked.

Because secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone. Yeah. ME. And probably most people I’ve been in a relationship with. Sorry guys. & gals. It wasn’t you. It really WAS me.

Am I being vague enough?

I guess I should come out and say it, so at least you’ll know what the topic of this podcast is really about. I’ve recently discovered what was REALLY behind my motivation to research sexuality and work in the porn industry to explore this corner of the universe.

Sexual anorexia. Apparently, its a thing. You’ve heard of sex addiction – this is the flip side. The anorexic to the overeater. Denial, avoidance and overcontrol vs. out of control indulgence.

I’ve been reading this book and discussing it in therapy. It 100% describes my very confusing and painful sexual history. And while I’ve made a lot of progress since I even started this blog in 2011, sex can still be very difficult at times. What astounds me most is that I’ve been working in the field of sexuality in one form or another for almost 10 years now. And I’ve only just heard of this.

I thought I was crazy. I’ve never heard of anyone having the same sexual issues as me. If I read one more sex advice article for women that says to stimulate the clitoris during sex or buy a vibrator or communicate with my partner, I might punch someone in the face. Um. I’ve tried that. Thanks.

Though may put on an act of confidence, beneath it all I’ve still felt there was something wrong with me. Which seemed logical since 90% of what various “sex experts” have suggested hasn’t worked on me. If everyone else seems so happy, the problem must be me, right? Why after all this effort, is sex sometimes REALLY difficult for me? Why, when I want it most, does my body shut off and barely respond? Why is asking for what I want sometimes so terrifying its easier for me to pour myself into work that isn’t even necessary, just to avoid dealing with it?

Why have I felt like the cursed skeleton-pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, unable to enjoy my physical body?

“…the drink would not satisfy, food turned to ash in our mouths, and all the pleasurable company in the world could not slake our lust…” – Captain Barbossa

Only mine has not been a curse of greed. More a curse of denial, that I did all to myself.

So this is my story. Hope listening to it helps you in some way. If you’d like to share any part of your own sexual struggles, feel free to email me here. I promise I’ll respond.

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Edited: February 21st, 2014

How He Cums in My Mouth

Everyone says communication is key to great sex and relationships… but how do you actually do it?

I still wonder sometimes! But other times I get it right. So today I share a little story about my sex life – a question I asked my husband about his preferences – about how he cums after we fuck.

And if you don’t care about communication, well, you just might like my sexy story anyway…

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Edited: June 27th, 2013

Premature Ejaculation Vol. 3: Sex Tips on How to Last Longer in Bed

More tips on how to cure premature ejaculation, for you fast cummers out there.

I share what it is Terry does to stop from cumming too soon plus some simple techniques you can try at home. There’s no shame in learning some new sex techniques, and no one even has to know if you don’t feel like sharing. Just like learning how to ride a bike, it will take practice and patience – try these out and see what works for you!

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Edited: June 7th, 2013

What’s Your Deepest Desire?

Lately I’ve been thinking about desire… that feeling of wanting. Craving things, people, experiences that aren’t currently here. Now.

And I thought of a quote by poet Rumi, “The longing is the answer.”

Its so easy to get down on ourselves and our lives when we don’t have what we want. But it always happens: when we get there, we start wanting something ELSE!

Is the answer to stop desiring altogether? Well that doesn’t sound like fun. But you know, what makes an orgasm great isn’t simply getting off. Its the build up. The anticipation. The pleasure along the way is not only what leads to the orgasm – its half the enjoyment!

What do YOU desire? Really, really, reeeaaallllyyy crave? What does it feel like? And why is that feeling important if you want to actually get it?

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Edited: June 1st, 2013

Premature Ejaculation Vol. 1: How to Last Longer in Bed

Want to know how to fix your premature ejaculation and learn how to last longer in bed?

Listener question:
I cum to fast for every girl. Even though I have amazing looks I can never keep a girlfriend. They say I’m not hard enough. What can I do? I’m only 22 and I can only last 10 minutes :/

Men of all ages experience premature ejaculation. It can be frustrating for both the guy and his partner. But it can be overcome to have a happier, more satisfying sex life. Listen to find out what I think is going on with this guy’s dick and how to stop premature ejaculation!

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Edited: May 18th, 2013

Listener Questions on Wet Pussy and Masturbation With Lily Cade

Lily Cade is back to share her experience with fucking women.

We discuss listener questions:

When my wife and I have vaginal sex, she is always dry. I can go in but it is uncomfortable for us both – even after I have given her oral and she has had an orgasm.  I must use artificial lube.  Does this indicate a lack of interest, arousal, attraction etc… on her part? With lube intercourse feels good to me and she says she likes it.  Let me know what you think, is this common?


I’m a happily married woman whose husband is in the military. He is away a lot and I don’t believe in masturbation. Any suggestions on relieving the tension?

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Edited: April 29th, 2013

How to Make a Girl Squirt From My Penis?

A couple knows how to make a girl squirt from fingering, but what about his dick?

A man asks,

I can get her to squirt by doing the come here motion (with fingers) but thats it – no toys or my penis and we both would love to learn how.

If she can already squirt from one technique, its possible to train her body to ejaculate from other types of stimulation. Listen how!

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Edited: March 14th, 2013

The Feminist No-No: Rape Fantasies

I’ve had rape fantasies for years.

I have never been raped.
I have no desire to actually be raped.

But I do fantasize about someone (usually whoever I’m fucking at the moment, so now that would be Terry) completely taking control over me. In my fantasies, the arousal is intertwined with a what’s-gonna-happen next sense of uncertainty and a deep trust for the person that’s raping me. That they’re going to fuck me and I’m going to love it, and they won’t hurt me.

In My Secret Garden: Women’s Sexual Fantasies, Nancy Friday says:

You don’t have to be a psychiatrist to understand that for some women who never reach an orgasm, it may have to do with their fear of letting go, fear of the helplessness, the lack of control, that goes with orgasm… And for some women – especially highly independent, self-contained women… – the loss of control must be terrifying, the experience of orgasm impossible without, and synonymous with, the terror. (151)

I’ve had orgasms from masturbation since age 8 or 9, but only a few times from someone else stimulating me. So to have someone ‘take me,’ to force me to enjoy sex – ideally to orgasm – is very arousing.

And not uncommon.

Edited: January 9th, 2013

How to Masturbate

Many of us learned how to masturbate when we were young and had to hide it.

Some people still hide it as adults! But masturbation is a great way to learn about your body and what you enjoy. Whether you suffer premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, difficulty with orgasm or arousal, or just want to feel even more pleasure – masturbating to explore yourself can help.

It just requires a change in attitude – seeing masturbation as experimentation vs. a shameful secret. How can you make the shift? Listen and learn about how I’m changing my masturbation practice, and how you can too:

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

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Edited: December 23rd, 2012

Can Viagra Help Female Sexual Dysfunction?

Over 40% of US women supposedly have “female sexual dysfunction.”

What IS female sexual dysfunction? Can it be fixed with a little blue pill? Or is something else going on with American women today?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

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And check out the trailer for Orgasm Inc.:

Edited: December 19th, 2012

Sexual Shame Stops a Foot Job

A young man with a foot fetish experienced his first ‘foot job’ but pushed her away before he could orgasm.

Sexual shame affects most of us, whether we’re into feet or more “vanilla” desires. If we feel ashamed of our sexuality, we may push away our lovers, stop ourselves from orgasm, or even shut down sexual feelings altogether.

How can we let go of sexual shame so we can enjoy sex?

On a mobile device? Click here to listen.

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Have you struggled with sexual shame? Is there a fantasy you crave but are scared to try?

Edited: December 17th, 2012

What’s Your Orgasm History?

Carlin Ross, of describes her “orgasm history:”

The earliest orgasm I remember was in the bathtub. When I was a girl, bath time was the only time I was left alone. My mom would run a bath and I’d jump in with my toys waiting until she left to slide out of the bathtub and ever so quietly lock the door behind her. Then I would turn on the faucet, sit down over the drain, and prop my little legs on either side. The water would run over my clitoris until I had my first orgasm. The first orgasm always took the longest. And the thought of my mother catching me made it all more exciting. She never did come back in time to ruin my masturbation party. She was easily distracted so I had a good 15 minutes to myself.

With each orgasm, I would turn down the water flow so by the time I was 3-4 orgasms in just a trickle of water would send me into orgasmic bliss. To this day, I love to have my clit teased with subtle licking and pressure. When I knew my time alone was about to end, I’d slip back out of the tub and unlock the door. One time my mom asked me about the marks on my bottom – I’d been sitting on the bathtub drain for quite a while and it had left little circles all over my cheeks. She never put two and two together.

One afternoon when I came home from school I found my brother up in a tree hanging gym ropes. You know those thick ropes they make you climb for those state fitness tests. We were all very excited to have school gym equipment in our backyard. I had no idea how much I was going to enjoy climbing those ropes…

Read on…

What’s your orgasm history?

Edited: November 24th, 2012

Too Much Masturbation?

Can’t get enough? This young man worries about too much masturbation.

He asks Dr. Betty Dodson:

I think that I masturbate too much. I’m a 16 year old boy and I do it like 3 times a day and sometimes I can’t even sleep without doing it before bed.

I have a girlfriend and we are sexually active and it is great and everything but I can’t seem to stop. I don’t feel comfortable asking one of my friends and I have turned to you after searching many other sites and finding no info. if you could get back to me it would be a great help.

Dear AF,

Whenever I hear about a teen who thinks they are masturbating too much, I ask, how long do you spend with each session and do you ejaculate each time? Chances are that you are hooked on “quickies” which are not satisfying so you keep repeating the process. It’s like a person who snacks all day and never enjoys a full meal. Both patterns leave you undernourished and not satisfied.

So Stop! Limit yourself to once a day and focus on HOW you are masturbating. Spend some quality time and stop using Internet porn which is as bad a fast food. No nourishment and no satisfaction. You are training yourself you come fast so that sex with a partner will not be satisfying for her either…this will take some time to change your pattern but it’s well worth it.

Dr. Betty

Kelsey’s $.02:

When I’m busy, I can get into the “quickie” habit sometimes. Many of us also learn this habit from our early masturbation practices, hurrying up so no one catches! When I find myself in this pattern, orgasms are less and less satisfying. I take it as a cue to make space for quality time with myself.

Many guys jerk off hard and fast to porn, finishing in just a few minutes. We jokingly call our fetish videos “pop off clips” – just long enough for a guy to get a quick orgasm. But it doesn’t have to be that way. My husband will spend up to an hour watching porn sometimes, so its not whether – but HOW – you use porn in your masturbation practice.

Edited: October 12th, 2012

Female Orgasm: I’m Coming! Just kidding.

Female Orgasm

Faking female orgasm? (courtesy of Johan31000)






Yashar Ali believes women fake female orgasm to validate the male ego. I can’t say I disagree with much of what he writes.  But he’s probably never been in the position where he could or would consider faking it. (Not that men don’t, so I’ve heard.)


In my personal life, I have never faked a female orgasm. This despite only having a handful of orgasms from a partner stimulating my body. (Most have cum from masturbation with my partner or on their body.)   I always reasoned that if I faked female orgasm, it’d train them to do the same thing again, and then they’d expect another orgasm, and then I’d fake again, and on and on and on.


While Ali is right that the male ego plays a part, its not as simple as sex being a “cerebral process… [in which they have to think and plan when to fake an orgasm, when to make everything perfect for the man in their lives."  He continues, "They are pleasing [men's] massive egos, instead of pleasing themselves.”


If only female orgasm were so simple! Coming from my own experience, and all the times I could have faked a female orgasm but didn’t, here are a few other reasons a woman might fake it:


- She doesn’t know what will bring her to female orgasm.
- She doesn’t know how to say what she wants.
- He doesn’t know how to ask her what she wants, or how to help her explore if she doesn’t know.
- He isn’t receptive to her when she says what she wants.
- She thinks he’s already supposed to know how to give her an orgasm.
- He thinks he’s already supposed to know how to give a female orgasm.
- She thinks she’s supposed to have an orgasm during intercourse, oral, or whatever she’s doing.
- He pressures her to feel she should experience female orgasm with him.
- She wants the sex to end but doesn’t feel comfortable saying, “This sucks, I’m out.”
- She’s been faking female orgasm for months or years and is afraid to reveal her sexual relationship is a sham.
- She doesn’t believe she deserves pleasure.
- She’s afraid of being too sexual and holds back.

Any others?

Edited: November 15th, 2011

From Childhood to Adult Sexuality: Honoring Where I’m At

When I was little I would get off by laying belly-down on the floor and rocking myself to stimulate my clitoris… It only took me about 30 seconds to come that way… I realized that that isn’t normal. So I stopped masturbating that way…A few nights ago, I stayed up very late masturbating and finally had an orgasm…I think. This one didn’t seem right either because it literally took me about 4 hours to get there and my clit felt kind of sore the next day. I have tried masturbating again a few times, for about an hour each time, but it seems like I’m going nowhere fast and I just give up before I orgasm.

To this, Betty Dodson replies,

Your old method of getting off is quite common… There is no such thing as “normal” but all kinds of habits can be common, unusual or really strange… The body hasn’t had enough time to build up sexual tension so any release will be mild or insignificant. Most important is to give your body time to get used to a new form of stimulation. As you practice awakening your clitoris to using your fingers, be sure to use plenty of massage oil on your vulva especially your clitoris. And re-apply regularly. If you don’t feel anything happening after a couple of hours, just stop. It’s OK to finish off with your old technique so you can relax.

My boyfriend broke his right arm as a teenager. He’s a righty. It took him several days of “hard work” to jack off to orgasm using his left hand.

A few times in the past couple years, I tried to just quit my childhood masturbation method cold turkey. I figured if he could change his method, I could change mine too. One problem – he didn’t have a choice if he wanted to enjoy himself. I did. I’d inevitably get sexually frustrated and get myself off the only way I knew how. Then I’d feel guilty, like I was ruining my own sexual development. I wanted to orgasm another way to better share myself with a partner, and I saw my experience as a personal failure.

So thanks, Betty, for reinforcing what I discovered on my own: play with new ways of enjoying myself. Play all I want. And if I want an orgasm at the end, switch to the old skool method. Sometimes I can bring myself very close to orgasm in my childhood way, then quickly move my body to a new position and come anew. Getting pissed that a new way isn’t “working” makes sex a frustrating chore.

I made a promise to myself. Not explicitly, not aloud, but one I see through my behavior. I promised to honor my own pleasure in whatever form it comes. Only when I appreciate how good my body does feel, however it feels it, will my sexual pleasure expand. Wanting leads to wanting. Having leads to having.

Edited: November 13th, 2011