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I Am Not a Fantasy

I sell fantasies for your viewing pleasure.

However I am not a fantasy. Much as I’d like to be one, hair all flowing, looking perfect, saying just the right thing… I’m oddly attracted to a fetish I’ve recently discovered called ‘bimboification,’ where girls are ‘transformed’ into being the perfect sex object. But this is, of course, a fantasy and funny enough nowhere near my radar when I started porn. Becoming a sex object was the last thing I ever intended. I was always more focused on my own personal experience and my desire to understand sexuality then trying to get the approval of horny penises around the world. (Though I’d be lying if I said they played no part in my performance. I like being watched.)

The funny thing about the fantasy I sell is that its mostly predicated on doing completely (socially) unattractive things like fart, burp, and sweat. I love doing things like this because to me, it humanizes my body, it shows I’m living and breathing and not airbrushed or plastic.

But porn is porn. Media is media. And where there’s an image on a screen, someone (probably a lot of someone’s) will long for the image to be real in their very own bedroom.

Its not and it never will be.

I don’t reply to most of my emails because I simply don’t have time, but I took a good hour to write out a response to a really super nice one yesterday. The man was so ‘envious’ (to use his word) of Terry and our relationship, wishing he could find someone like me.

I am always flattered to read emails like this. I also always want to laugh because they’re largely divorced from the reality that is my life. People think they know me because they see me all over the internet – doing something for less than 5 hours on camera each month, only 0.6% of my life. This sliver of my life, most of which wouldn’t even happen if we weren’t filming a commercial product, defines me in many people’s eyes. Its an interesting experience to be known for something so minor (time-wise), yet also so outrageous (content-wise).

I’m sharing my response here to shed light on the other 99.4% of the time I’m not doing bizarre things in front of a camera.

Thank you for your very kind email. Your words are very flattering and it makes me happy you’ve taken a liking to my work :)

As awesome as it is to get emails like this, I have to point out that while I may be your fantasy — the thing you’re desiring is exactly that, a fantasy. Terry didn’t meet the person you see online today. That person has evolved from a painfully shy socially awkward little girl (who I still feel like pretty often). In fact, the only reason you even know who I am is precisely because I had so much anxiety about sex, it was so painful for me, that I had to do SOMETHING about it. And that something ended up being porn, just so that I had a place where I could interact with other people in a sexual sense. So I could learn about what other people did, what turned them on, what different bodies looked like. And hopefully somewhere in there, begin to feel good about my own and share that part of myself with my partners. The extent to which I am comfortable with some elements of sex now (definitely not everything) is in direct proportion to how UNcomfortable I used to be.

I am often playing a balancing act between being authentic and being, for a lack of a better word, attractive. Please realize, I love what I do, but what I do is create a commercial product; its not a hidden camera in my bedroom. Selling that product entails presenting myself on the internet as attractive so that you want to watch my videos. On video everything happens perfectly and I’m wonderfully sexy and seductive and in a fantastic mood. So of course you want me! And that does happen sometimes in real life, its awesome when it does!

Terry and I, like many couples, seem to fit together perfectly at the same time as we can trigger one another perfectly. We don’t fight so much as I become emotionally overwhelmed and cry hysterically and he sits in silence. Neither of which facilitates open communication, especially about sex. In fact, we just spent last evening and several hours this morning communicating about how exactly we communicate, when it works why it works, and when it doesn’t why it doesn’t. Going back and forth – when you say X I feel Y, well when you feel Y you do Z and that makes me feel Q, etc, etc, etc. With this (super fucking difficult) conversation, like many others, we’ve helped open one another’s eyes to our behavior and how it affects each of us. If there’s anything special about our relationship, its only that we’re committed to working through shit and growing where we need to, even when its hard. And its the working through shit that brings us closer and makes sex (and everything else) better. I mean who gives a fuck if your sexual interests align if you can’t get your shit together to actually connect? That’s what I’m slowly but surely learning to do.

There can be times when I’m a complete emotional anxious mess – I just decided a long time ago never to put that out onto social media. Its embarrassing, unattractive, and obnoxious. At the same time I can’t sell a fantasy of myself – I can’t bring myself to act as if I’m the always horny porn star who gets off on everything the viewer happens to – I have to be real to some degree, so I try to write on my blog (KelseyEducation.com) as I learn how to handle my emotions, have fun with my work and deepen my relationship with Terry.

I hope this doesn’t kill your interest in my work completely, but I’d rather be honest than help perpetuate an unrealistic fantasy about myself.

And then I gave him some links to my podcast to help the guy out. I’m not an asshole (all the time). I’m just not a fantasy.

Edited: October 5th, 2014

Pleasure Doesn’t Always Look Pretty

I believe that’s KarmenKarma. Sure this looks violent and degrading and misogynistic. And it also looks fun (& if you follow her on Twitter, you’ll see she thinks so too). I enjoy having my breathing constricted. Pleasure doesn’t always look pretty. I’d say don’t judge a book by its cover, but realistically our brains are wired to take shortcuts like that, with so much information around us to be processed. So instead of not judging, being aware of one’s judgment of book covers opens up a space to ask – well is my judgment really legit? Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. And even if it is for you, someone else may think its the best book ever written. As my dad would say, that’s why there are 64 crayons in every box (I don’t even know HOW many more there are today!).

Originally posted on Tumblr!

Edited: August 12th, 2014

What Triggers Your Shame?

So awhile ago I talked about shame. These were some of my most popular podcasts. And I was surprised. I wasn’t sure if talking about feeling like shit would be all that compelling. But apparently it is! If you can relate to my version of shittiness, that is. And I think most people can, in one form or another.

So I promised I’d talk about shame more about as I learn how to deal with it, let it go, overcome, or whatever happens such that its not the prevalent emotion in my life anymore.

Even Cats Feel Shame...

Even Cats Feel Shame...

And almost 6 months later, its largely not. Its not gone, but its not the #1 thing I feel when I wake up in the morning. That’s new and different. Almost uneasy, because while the shame felt terrible, it was familiar.

So here’s something I’ve realized – shame is an emotion. Emotions come and go. But feelings don’t just come from nowhere, something triggers them, whether or not we’re aware. (And most people are unaware, I was up until recently… and still sometimes.)

Which to me means identifying when the feeling of shame is triggered and what did I see/do/hear/say/remember that brought up that emotion.

And it turns out there are some sexual things that used to cause me a lot of shame. But that really don’t anymore.

At the same time, there are some sexual things that I still do feel ashamed of. Even when my logical brain says everything’s fine, and I wouldn’t judge anyone else for it.

So today I talk more about what I’ve noticed about shame, how it comes and goes, and what I’ve done to let it go.

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Edited: June 3rd, 2014

Butts: Clean or Dirty?

Question via Tumblr: Do you lady’s clean your ass holes first? I became disappointed to find out most pornography in the “ass cleaning” business actually clean the ass before having it “cleaned” how do you and the people you work with do it? Ps. I prefer a kinda dirty b-hole ;)

Imagine having near strangers all up in your genitals and a high definition camera zoomed in so close your pores are visible, knowing thousands if not millions may see it. Seriously, imagine that for a minute. That’s why (most) porn stars are a bit obsessive about cleanliness in that area. They’re generally trying to avoid embarrassment, being seen/experienced as smelling/tasting bad and (with anal) dealing with a mess. It can be awkward, and I’ve heard of (some) guys in boy-girl anal scenes getting all grossed out and judge-y. That doesn’t make a girl feel sexy and then makes the scene less hot. Plus to be freshly shaved and have nice looking hair, that usually requires a shower first, even for those of us who aren’t so concerned.

I personally prefer a person’s natural smells and tastes. As if they went to work all day and came home and that’s just how they are. Or (if I’m REALLY attracted to them) if they went to the gym and skipped a shower after.

For our sites like LesbianAssWorship.net, we let the girls do whatever they want. They’re the ones with their mouths all up in there. Some do nothing, others baby wipe their buttholes. Occasionally a girl is so worried she even does an enema just to have her ass licked. That’s rare, but it has happened.

For my site, I usually tell the girls that I’d rather they didn’t clean so much but to do whatever makes them comfortable. When I say that, some girls are like, “Oh, okay cool” and others still prefer to baby wipe. If they DO baby wipe, I have them at least rinse it off with water after because I’d rather taste nothing than the flavor of cleaning chemicals. As a courtesy, if a girl wipes her ass I’ll usually do mine too, just to make her comfortable. Its more important to me that a girl feel comfortable “letting go” and being (socially) dirty than the physicality of it, because you can’t see a taste or smell. But you CAN see if she’s worried or grossed out and it makes for a less sexy scene.

When I’m shooting with Terry, I do nothing at all. I am how I am. But that’s how we both prefer it anyway. When we shot his anal DVD, we told them not to do enemas unless it was a REALLY big deal to them. One of of four did. A couple were a bit anxious about it, but we said if it became an issue we’d stop and clean up and it wasn’t a big deal to us. And that made them feel better.

Moral of the story is, if you want a girl to be dirtier (whether physically or socially – doing things seen as “dirty”), she’s gotta feel like she’s not going to be looked at differently because of it.

But just like some people have super clean houses (I’m NOT one of those), some of them are just going to prefer being clean.

Edited: May 19th, 2014

Help! My Girlfriend Wants to Do Porn and I’m Jealous

Question via Tumblr: how can i deal with jealousy ? my girlfriend wants to do porn

The best way to address jealousy is to identify what exactly your fears are and talk about them. Before Terry & I filmed his anal scenes where he fucked other girls in the ass, we talked about it. A lot. I was fully behind the idea but still had some feelings of jealousy to address.

Jealousy is mostly insecurity that your partner will want someone more than they want you. Which IS always a risk if you’re opening up your relationship in some way. It goes away the more you learn to trust your partner and value yourself. The way I look at it, he might have fun with other chicks now and then, but is casual sex really going to trump the love & connection we share? No way. Is some chick going to have a better butt to fuck than me? He’s very happy with what he has at home, so even if he has the time of his life in the moment, at the end of the day its always just us.

But that also doesn’t mean you need to be okay with a more open relationship. Its definitely not for everyone. In my opinion, if your girlfriend is interested in doing porn or any kind of sex work, that’s bringing additional people into your sex life. Its something you both need to enjoy, otherwise the relationship won’t last very long. If she’s unwilling to talk about your feelings or doesn’t care – there’s something far more wrong with the relationship than her wanting to do porn. In which case, porn WILL break you up. But if you don’t address what’s going on more deeply, you’ll probably break up regardless.

Edited: March 6th, 2014

Is Porn Degrading to Women?

Q&A via Jacky St. James: Hi jacky! As a woman do u think pornography objectifies, degrades and disrespects women like some feminists?

Any woman who is of legal age is fully capable of deciding what career path she wants to pursue. Society often wants to coddle and protect women, as if we aren’t equipped with the intellect or emotional capacity to make our own decisions. Whereas, few people ever ask the question, “Does porn objectify men?

When society places restrictions on what is normal and acceptable within a sexual relationship or an adult film or even a fantasy…an assumption is made that all humans are programmed to think and get off on the same type of material. So, to watch a pornographic film in which a woman is forcefully fucked in multiple orifices, one might conclude that this is somehow degrading or a form of objectification to that woman- without considering the fact that some women do enjoy that kind of sex (the person judging however, might not). Some women seek out that kind of sex on their own and consent to that kind of sex without any kind of coercion or manipulation. Yes, it might be surprising, but it’s absolutely true.

At the end of the day, it always comes down to the individual and an individual’s perception of what they are seeing or experiencing. One might look at Bonnie Rotten in The Gangbang of Bonnie Rotten and say, “wow, she’s being objectified,” and she might say in response, “fuck no. i’m being liberated.” Who is ultimately right?

Edited: December 22nd, 2013

Why I Love Body Worship

Making dirty fetish porn has opened my eyes (& vagina) to something that REALLY turns me on…

Body worship. i.e., the experience of someone “worshipping” (sexually appreciating) my various parts & body as a whole. Toes, feet, legs, ass, pussy, stomach, armpits, neck, mouth – and everywhere in-between.

That's Maia Davis Licking My Pit

That's Maia Davis Licking My Pit

You might notice that a lot of my fetish videos center on this theme. And if not my body explicitly, then its functions.

Why? Listen & I’ll share…

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: December 20th, 2013

How Can I Get My Girlfriend to Watch Porn?

Via Jacky St. James:

I am so glad you asked this question.

I think you need to first acknowledge the fact that everybody has their own sexual turn-ons and turn-offs and just because your girlfriend doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy it. It also doesn’t mean that she WILL enjoy it.

My first question for you is why is it important that your girlfriend watch porn? Is this an experience you want to share with her? Do you want her to learn some techniques? Would it turn you on watching your girl watch a pornographic film? It’s important that you know the answer to that question (there is obviously no right or wrong answer).

Secondly, you need to understand why she doesn’t want to watch porn. Has she seen porn before and hated it? Does she have preconceived notions about porn? Does she find porn to be dirty, degrading, violent, etc.? If she has any of these concerns, you need to understand where she is coming from and why she has come to these conclusions. By understanding HER feelings about porn will help you communicate your need to have her watch it.

I have found that most women’s opinions about adult films being degrading or negative towards women, are basing those opinions on assumption and not factual information. She might be surprised to know just how many empowered women work in the adult industry (both in front of and behind the camera).

*You can always send her my way and I could provide recommendations of films for her. I love helping open people’s eyes to adult films!

Edited: December 7th, 2013

More on Rough Sex and Porn

I recently talked about how rough sex at home is a lot different than what you might see in porn. Or at least it should be if you don’t want your girlfriend to kick you in the face and shut you out of her orifices forever.

But anyway, I’ve thought about it a little more and had some talks with other porn stars, and I was kind right, but kind of wrong about how it happens on other porn sets. Some girls DO prep the way I describe, but some show up completely green. And often leave black & blue, so to speak.

So today I give you another inside look behind the porn industry and how you can tell whether a girl is really ready for the rough fucking she’s getting, or not.

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Edited: November 27th, 2013

Why I Love Making Porn

When I was a kid, I knew when I grew up I wanted to do something I loved. Something that felt natural and fulfilling, that made a difference in people’s lives. At various times I wanted to be an elementary school teacher, psychologist, music therapist, social worker, high school music teacher, researcher and college professor. I either grew out of those desires, or I got jobs along the path to those careers and felt something was missing.

I’m smart. I have degrees. I know I could do most anything I want in the world. But surprisingly sex work, in the way I’ve created my career, feels more natural than anything else I’ve tried. To me, it is fulfilling. Because I believe that it helps people on a deep, intimate, and even profound level. Yet in some ways, I feel fairly alone in this sentiment. I only hire girls who enjoy their work, yet for most of them it is still a temporary job (though overall, a fun one). I’m inspired by women like Nina Hartley, Tristan Taormino & Carol Queen – women who have directed (and some starred) in porn because they believe it has the power to change people’s sex lives for the better. But they’re not in my social circle (yet).

But here’s an excerpt from an amazing article written by a dominatrix who shares my love for sex work. If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to do my work – she’s articulated it to a T:

In any aspect of the adult industry… you, as a worker, are dealing with people’s feelings on a very, very intimate level. In fetish work, because of all the shame involved, the number of feelings and the level of intimacy is increased….

My work is usually about one part sexual, two parts emotional. I give a lot to my clients, and I love them all for the hour I’m in the room with them [For me, the 5-10 minutes I'm on camera for a clip]. It’s beautiful to see them overcome their fears and all the things they’ve been told about what sex and sexuality should be and let go completely. I love seeing the smiles on their faces [receiving their emails] when they leave refreshed after a session [after they've masturbated to a clip or 10], I feel like I’m making a genuine difference in the world.

My position as a healer and a therapist becomes more apparent and also dearer to me when I’m most depressed. It’s cheesy, but doing these weird little good deeds for others really does make me feel better.

Of course, my motives aren’t entirely altruistic, I’d never do this for free [well, I'd do some of what I do for free, but I lack the opportunity for some of it without porn], but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m doing good things for people and it’s incredibly fulfilling. I’m not sure why it’s so very difficult for people to understand this. A lot of civilians tend to write off what I do as just sex, with a dismissive, “Wow, you must be a nymphomaniac or something” and then when I explain that I don’t sleep with my clients unless I’m doing it in the most literal sense, they become confused. “You aren’t actually into all that weird stuff, are you?” No, I’m not into all of it, but I’m definitely into helping people accept and explore the weird stuff they’re into.

Sex work may not be a substitute for therapy, but for me it is certainly very therapeutic. It confuses me when I’m told that my soul is being slowly crushed when I’m encouraging others to blossom, because as I nourish them by fulfilling fantasies that, in many cases, they’ve been taught to believe were wrong, bad, or disgusting, I’m nourishing myself. I see, in a very real way, that there is good in the world and that I’m capable of creating that good.

Edited: November 8th, 2013

How to Get Rough

A lot of guys like it rough… and so do girls. But if your idea of rough sex comes from porn, better listen up. Porn is entertainment, not a documentary. It takes a bit more skill than you see in porn to have a good rough sex experience at home. One that she’ll want again. And again. And again. Listen & find out how!

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: October 23rd, 2013

Porn to Share With Your Girlfriend

I got this one in my email:

I want to ask for a recommendation for some porn to share with my fiancée. We have not tended to watch the same things, with her interested in plot and romance me focusing on women having sex with each other and fetish play like peeing and farting. Is there a good compromise of which you can think?

I’m not huge on romance porn… but I can give some recommendations for both softer and more dirty porn that she may find enjoyable.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: September 13th, 2013

Help My Wife Become More Dominant

Sometimes its fun to switch ‘roles’…

Question via Tumblr:

I would love to have some information about getting my very submissive wife to become more dominate. She loves to be dominated, but I feel kind of left out in the context of I always feel like I am doing all the instigation. Does that make sense? She says she is willing to try but does not know where to start.

Being dominant can feel kind of scary to one who’s never done it before. Before I started making porn, I never had a sexual experience as a true dominant – only times my husband would be ‘aggressively’ submissive to me, so I still actually felt like the submissive one even while technically domming him.

I primarily learned by watching femdom pornclips4sale is a great place to start. Browse the site with your wife (or have her do it on her own) to find a domme she can identify with. A woman whose look, attitude, & scenarios are appealing to her, as there are many styles of domination. Watch and copy. Kink.com’s female domination sites are worth checking out if you’re both into something more extreme, though their particular genre of domination may be a bit much for a newbie. Reading BDSM erotica can help with the feeling & mindset as well – power exchange IS primarily an emotional-psychological game.

It can also be helpful to communicate to your wife specific acts or scenarios where you’d like her to take the lead. Just because you want to be submissive doesn’t mean she has to run the show 100%. Any sexual encounter is give-and-take – so especially learning something new you’ll have to give her lots of feedback. Even dirty talking while having ‘vanilla’ sex or masturbating together can be helpful – my husband and I often do this when we’re exploring something new but aren’t quite ready to try it yet.

There are also how-to books & video guides out there. SM 101 by Jay Wiseman is a popular one that I’ve read. Its more aimed at ‘lifestyle’ BDSM than occasional home play, and in my opinion seemed a little dungeons-and-dragons about the ‘rules’ of play – but gave me a lot of ideas regardless. I haven’t seen any instructional videos myself, so I can’t make any recommendations, but browse around and see if any of these appeal to you two.

Whether you watch porn, read erotica, instructional books or videos – doing it together can spark great conversation about your likes & dislikes, any insecurities that need to be addressed (i.e., fear of hurting you, going too far, etc.), and give you a guide on which to base your initial play sessions. Learning together can be a really hot & fun experience in itself – and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourselves when it doesn’t go as planned. Sex is all about fun, intimacy & pleasure – whatever you two choose to do – so stay lighthearted and enjoy the process of exploring a new side of yourselves together.

Edited: July 19th, 2013

Lying in a pool of my own ejaculate, I cum.

Lying in a pool of my own ejaculate, I cum.

I already had 2 orgasms. I began watching Elegant Angel’s Lexi – particularly Lexi Belle’s scenes with Riley Reid, James Deen and Dani Daniels. Being blonde, petite, wearing pigtails & knee socks with really passionate sex – I identified with her, perhaps more than any porn star I’ve seen before. Rubbing my clitoris with my fingers, enjoying the tension in my pussy. Stepping up to my electric vibrator, first searching for, then relaxing into the tiny spots sending electric shocks through my body. Enough visual stimulation, I pause screen with Lexi’s face visible, so when my eyes later open – I see her. My alter-ego for the evening. I see me.

I slather my pussy and dildo in coconut oil and spit, slowly penetrating myself with a toy that’s just too big to go in all at once. Warming myself up, I finally slide it up inside. My vibrator finds its way to my clit once again, this time more intense as my pussy has something to grasp. Holding the toy inside, then slowly fucking myself, then faster, then holding. Legs apart, legs together, knees bent, losing all sense of my legs, legs together and I know I am going to cum. The universe seems to slow as I consciously pace my breathing, enjoying the moment just before orgasm. Waves of warm fuzziness through my entire body, I relax into sensation. And I cum, pussy clenching my toy, body contracting.

Relax. A full, complete, satisfying orgasm. My pussy still wants. I feed it with my vibrator and dildo. Exploring – how does it feel if I angle the toy like this, or that? I want to cum. Legs together, lying on my left arm beneath me, holding my dildo and fucking myself – quick, short thrusts – vibrator buzzing on my clitoral hood. This orgasm is fast, over before I know it.

Still hungry. Getting tired, its late, but I want another orgasm before I go to sleep. I try to give myself one. I do the motion that makes me cum… but its not working. Because I know its not the motion that does it. The body is not a machine, its a living work of art. Orgasms are the result of pleasure, not the aim. I observe myself, the way I habitually push myself toward what I want – yet the force pushes it further away. How we do anything is how we do everything. I relax for a moment and readjust.

Suddenly I need to squirt. NEED to. My toy too large to squirt during penetration, I slowly pull it out and gush a stream of liquid. Slide back onto it and off again, fluid spilling out of me. Dropping the toy, my fingers find my wet opening, still squirting. I rub my g-spot, feeling the spray against my hand, as my other hand holds the vibrator just at the edge of my clit hood. The end piece of my vibrator falls off and I almost burn myself because its gotten so hot. I’m still squirting as I quickly put it back together and place it back where it belongs.

Finally emptied, I am laying in a pool of my ejaculate. (Is there a sexier word for this? I don’t know.) Much of the tension relieved, but I still want to cum one last time. Dildo back inside, vibrator on clit, legs together laying on my arm fucking myself again. But this time is different. This time I am swimming in liquid, so much my oh-so-sexy incontinence pad I use to keep things clean is completely soaked. My body weight has kept it from spilling onto the bed, forming a small ocean beneath my pussy. Touching my fingers to the bottom, my fingers are wet to my first knuckles. I am no longer trying, I am enjoying. As I fuck myself, my fingers splash my inner thighs with my own fluid. Waves of myself. I did this. My body did this, what its always been meant to do, to feel. The orgasm comes quickly, yet slowly washes over me and I savor the moment that feels like forever before spilling over the peak. This is what I really wanted.

The bottom of my shirt is still wet.

Edited: July 12th, 2013

What Do You Learn In A College Porn Class?

“The biggest problem with porn is shame felt afterward.”

Edited: May 26th, 2013

I Got Paid to Masturbate MY Way (I have the best job in the world)

The first time I saw another woman masturbating was in porn. I’d secretly wished for sexually open and experimental friends who would bring up masturbation or sex, leading to some slumber party explorations… But I didn’t have that sort of friend.

Women typically masturbate in porn laying on their back with bent knees – rubbing their clit with a finger or two, using a vibrator, and/or fucking themselves with a dildo. That’s not how I masturbated.

What got me off was lying on flat on my stomach with straight legs, grinding my pussy against my hands. In my younger years, I masturbated against my baby blanket (sorry Grandma! she knitted it for me) or the corner of my comforter. I always felt ashamed, like something was wrong with not only masturbating in the first place, but HOW I did it. In college I wanted to be more “normal” (ha!) so I managed to switch to my hands instead. I still felt horribly awkward and a partner never saw me orgasm until Terry.

Since then, my masturbation repertoire has expanded and I enjoy stimulation in numerous ways – but if I want to orgasm – its still easiest and most reliable lying on my stomach or the same position but flat on my back. I can count the number of times I’ve cum in the positions I saw in porn on my hands.


Yesterday I shot for Yanks.com – my first paid shoot for another company – being filmed the way I masturbate
. When I booked the shoot, I explained my technique to the producer – because in my mind it wasn’t exactly sexy to watch. To my surprise, the site features women’s real methods, everything from vibrators and fingers to running water to an electric toothbrush handle to humping a pillow.

Humping a pillow?! I checked out the site and voila – pillow humping was featured in one of the sample videos. I wish I could have seen this as a teenager! It could have eased a bit of my sexual shame. This is why I feel that porn isn’t good or bad, harmful or hurtful – its about how its made and in what context its used. I feel porn has an incredible power to educate as it titillates. Really, it already IS educating its viewers… but no one ever said education had to be positive or factual. In college I learned that GMOs are “highly debatable” – yet in reality numerous independent studies finds them unsafe. Good thing I got a scholarship and didn’t pay for those credits.

Its ironic the first time I’ve been paid by another company was to do what, in part, led me to study sexuality in the first place – in school, then on camera. It feels appropriate, like I’ve cum full circle. Because the main thing I’ve learned on this journey is that I’m fine how I am (and so are you). It is possible to change your sexual response, to broaden your horizons and explore new fantasy and sensuality. But it must come from a place of love and acceptance, of being okay with what is and growing from there. Otherwise all your energy goes toward trying NOT to be something… which lands you right back in the thick of it again. And again. And again

The producer was a woman in her late 20s, a former performer herself. We talked, ate chocolate and got quite friendly. She made me feel 100% comfortable in opening up, and to my surprise I was even able to squirt. I thought I might be nervous and be “trying” to have an orgasm… which gets the job done but isn’t very satisfying.

I felt so at ease one of my scenes lasted 40 minutes and I could have sworn it was only 20. Her average scenes are under 10 minutes, but she wanted me to just do what I do and end when my orgasm came. I often hear people complain about how long it can take women to orgasm (including my past self), but so what? If its fun along the way – THAT’S the point. THAT’S what leads to the orgasm. Without the build up, the orgasm is a moment that ends as quick as it starts. The pleasure is in the process.


All in all, I couldn’t have asked for a better experience for my first time on someone else’s set.

Edited: March 5th, 2013

Does Women’s Sexuality Have a Place in Sex Work?

The adult industry has a rep for stylizing “male” desires and using the female body to conform. In the internet age, as more women become sex workers by choice, creating and owning their experiences – I’m seeing a new wave in the adult world.

Just wanted to let you know that masturbating along with you for the last hour or so has been an incredibly erotic experience … the perfect meditation that i had been looking for as part of a Taoist yogic practice of prolonged erotic energy play. It was also a wonderful learning experience about female sexuality … getting on to the wavelength of how you touch yourself, how your arousal builds, transforms, etc. After a while i began to mirror your touching, treating the head of my penis like your clitoris, the shaft like your lips, etc. (although mirroring you touching inside your vagina was a bit problematic … so i settled for alternating between the base of my shaft and my perineum. ;-) ) Anyway … thanks for an incredibly memorable experience.

I got this message after one of my voyeur webcam masturbation shows. While I watched amazing female-shot & directed girl-girl porn (review coming soon!), I focused on simply touching my body in ways that felt good. No destination, not trying to have an orgasm or do anything specific. I squirted because my body wanted to, but I didn’t orgasm. And guess what – it was far more enjoyable than the times I’ve tried and “succeeded.”

For all the times I wondered whether there was a place for real expressions of women’s sexuality in sex work – sans performance – this was a nice note to remind me that absolutely, there is. I think the adult world is hungry for women’s true desires… Because I think by and large, the world is malnourished, having learned that a disassociative masculine approach to sexuality IS sex.

When you come across a real, nourishing meal — eat it up.

Edited: February 13th, 2013

Getting Sexual Feedback: Is There Any Way I Can Suck Your Dick Better?

Is there any way I can suck your dick better?

 

Earlier this week I watched the latest episode of In the Bedroom With Dr. Laura. I have mixed feelings about Dr. Laura for her involvement with the pharmaceutical industry, promoting Viagra for women with ZERO medical support that it works (as documented in Orgasm Inc.), but its a fairly good show so I’ll still watch.

One of the issues this couple fought over (of many) was blowjobs. He always wanted it, she never gave it. The main issue was they fought all the time and both sunk real low, calling each other fat, ugly, loser, bad husband/wife/parent, etc. That’s a recipe for NO sex of any kind. But on the topic of blowjobs specifically, the wife said was she didn’t feel confident in her oral skills so she felt uncomfortable.

For part of their “homework,” Dr. Laura gave them a sex book and marked the section on oral sex. She had the couple read the chapter together the first night. They came back the next day and she said she felt better about her abilities. That night, Dr. Laura told them to have sex, including oral. They reported back on day 3 and while there was still “work” to do on their relationship, everyone was happy with the progress.

 

When I watch these shows, sometimes my own insecurities get triggered.  I’ve always been good at blow jobs, or I’ve been told. I have no technique (except to avoid my teeth). I just try different moves with my mouth and hand, and see how they respond. Then I do more of what they seem to enjoy. Its worked well since my first blowjob at 15.

I’ve made most guys cum easily from oral sex. But not Terry. I remember the first time it didn’t “work.” We hadn’t been together long. For some reason we weren’t going to have sex that day, so I thought I’d suck his dick instead. I felt like I was down there forever. Since he was always telling me how good I was at sex, I was confused. Finally he stopped me and said that it felt good but he wasn’t going to cum from just a blowjob. I took it a little personal, though I tried not to let it show. Years later I understand that he’s crazy about asses, so if something doesn’t involve an ass he might cum but he might not. At the time, I knew he was into anal but had no idea the depth of his ass fetish.

So it left me with a feeling of insecurity. Like – he says he’s not that into blow jobs but if I were REALLY that good at sex I could make him cum anyway. Lurking somewhere behind that, was a sense that if he really loved me, my mouth would somehow surpass every other mouth that’s been on it. I would win, so to speak, by making him easily cum in ways other girls hadn’t.

I’ve never said anything about it to him. And since, he’s cum many times from blowjobs, but – as I suggested to a reader with a similar issue – often when I stimulate him in some other way at the same time. Usually involving my ass. And I have no problem with this whatsoever.

 

About a month ago we were cleaning the house and he found a couple amateur DVDs he was on with his ex-girlfriend. I couldn’t wait to watch. I picked the blowjob DVD… for some reason, I love watching girls suck his cock. I was a little nervous, it being his ex, but they broke up over 6 years ago and I know he doesn’t have any feelings for her.

So we popped it in my computer. It was a cheesy amateur gonzo scene, filmed in the bathroom of their apartment. I can’t remember the set up, but within about 30 seconds she offered to give him a blowjob. And she did.

And I had to laugh to myself. The exact same thing that happens with me, happened with her. When he’s not 100% into it, he starts trying – which NEVER works well to have an orgasm. His dick gets a bit softer, not limp but not totally hard either. All this time, I’ve still taken it a bit personally when this has happened – even though I KNOW why it happens. It’d be like if he took it personal that I haven’t often cum from oral sex myself, which has nothing to do with his skill.

Nonetheless, it did make me feel a little better. That it wasn’t just me, its just how he responds (or doesn’t) to blow jobs. Granted, he got it together and came – finishing by ejaculating in her mouth, as a ‘typical’ porn scene. But in front of me I had visual PROOF that I don’t suck (in the bad way).

Tonight we cuddled on the couch and I decided to suck his cock. I was just intending to do it for a few minutes then go about my work, but he got into it so I kept going. My feelings about oral sex arose, and instead of starting to feel self conscious about my abilities, I shifted my focus – telling myself “make him feel good” over and over. That was the point, was it not? I started paying more attention to what he was enjoying, and he came relatively quickly for a blow job.

 

After I cuddled back up with him and asked:

Is there any way I can suck your dick better?

He said, “I don’t know, ask me while you’re doing it.”  I replied, “Okay, I’ll ask next time.  But in general, is there anything I could be doing differently?”  After a moment, he said, “Not that I can think of, you do really good.”

Years of insecurity, and I could have just asked. Instead of worrying that I must suck at sucking dick, all it took was reframing the situation in my mind:

So what if I DID suck? Its a SKILL. I could always LEARN.

 

Of course, it makes me feel good that I already do well. Everyone likes to be good at things, especially sex. How funny that my own insecurities potentially kept me from being a better lover to him. While not a major issue, letting myself wallow in low confidence certainly kept me from getting closer to him. It created a wall between us. It distracted me from pleasing him, which is the whole fucking point of giving a blow job.

 

How often do we let our fears that we’re unskilled at sex keep us from asking how we can improve?   From getting closer to our partners, to learning their likes and dislikes?  From BECOMING an amazing lover to the people we care about?

 

I’m going to start asking this question more: How can I [fill in the blank] better?

Edited: January 17th, 2013

My Husband Watches Gay Porn, Does That Make Him Gay?

Fantasizing about someone of the same sex or gender doesn’t make anyone gay. Really, nothing makes anyone gay – gay is a label we use to describe people who like people of the same sex. But many people experiment or have fantasies without wanting a serious relationship.

Similarly, Terry enjoys licking my feet during sex sometimes, but I wouldn’t say he has a foot fetish. (Though saying anyone HAS a fetish is, like calling someone gay, is just a label as well.) Its just something he enjoys sometimes. Its part of his fantasies. But its not the focus of his desires, nor is it necessary for his sexual happiness. Its simply one desire among many.

When I webcam or do phone sex, I often talk to “straight” men who want to be “forced” to have sex with other men. These men often want to be submissive, performing oral sex or receiving anal sex. Most just fantasize, some will do it, but its not a strong enough desire that they see themselves as gay or even bisexual. They want to be made to do it because they never would by themselves.

Sexual attraction is far more diverse than the categories we have to describe – gay, straight, bisexual, fetish, BDSM, vanilla. Most people have a variety of fantasies that don’t fit neatly into a single box.

What’s your opinion? Is he gay? What about you? Do you have fantasies that don’t match your “sexual orientation”?

Edited: November 16th, 2012

Too Much Masturbation?

Can’t get enough? This young man worries about too much masturbation.

He asks Dr. Betty Dodson:

I think that I masturbate too much. I’m a 16 year old boy and I do it like 3 times a day and sometimes I can’t even sleep without doing it before bed.

I have a girlfriend and we are sexually active and it is great and everything but I can’t seem to stop. I don’t feel comfortable asking one of my friends and I have turned to you after searching many other sites and finding no info. if you could get back to me it would be a great help.

Dear AF,

Whenever I hear about a teen who thinks they are masturbating too much, I ask, how long do you spend with each session and do you ejaculate each time? Chances are that you are hooked on “quickies” which are not satisfying so you keep repeating the process. It’s like a person who snacks all day and never enjoys a full meal. Both patterns leave you undernourished and not satisfied.

So Stop! Limit yourself to once a day and focus on HOW you are masturbating. Spend some quality time and stop using Internet porn which is as bad a fast food. No nourishment and no satisfaction. You are training yourself you come fast so that sex with a partner will not be satisfying for her either…this will take some time to change your pattern but it’s well worth it.

Dr. Betty

Kelsey’s $.02:

When I’m busy, I can get into the “quickie” habit sometimes. Many of us also learn this habit from our early masturbation practices, hurrying up so no one catches! When I find myself in this pattern, orgasms are less and less satisfying. I take it as a cue to make space for quality time with myself.

Many guys jerk off hard and fast to porn, finishing in just a few minutes. We jokingly call our fetish videos “pop off clips” – just long enough for a guy to get a quick orgasm. But it doesn’t have to be that way. My husband will spend up to an hour watching porn sometimes, so its not whether – but HOW – you use porn in your masturbation practice.

Edited: October 12th, 2012

Let Me Share a Secret…

I have a confession to make: I love sex.

I’ve noticed lately that I spend a lot of time justifying my work to myself. I have all sorts of academic and intellectual theories about why I do what I do, the benefit it has to people, etc. In all honestly, if it weren’t for these grand ideas I probably wouldn’t be in porn because my #1 goal in life has always been to help others.

But regardless, at the end of the day, I make porn because I love sex. I love talking about it. Reading about it. Writing about it. Doing it. Trying new things with new people. Experiencing sexual subcultures. Making sex videos. Basically…I love sex.

And I discovered a set of beliefs been behind my mental justifications: I’m too sexual. My expression of sexuality is too out there. Oh, its fine for other people. But not for me. I’m a good girl. I shouldn’t like sex, let alone earn my living from it. Sex should be – at best – a weekend hobby. My exhibitionist perverted exploits are a sign that something is wrong with me, my lifestyle, my choice in life partner. Basically, that I shouldn’t love sex.

Would I feel this if I were a man? I don’t think so. My husband doesn’t seem to have this hangup, anyway, and he’s been making porn for almost a decade now.

I can have my theories and beliefs about how porn can help people, how it can change our cultural ideas about sex and relationships, how the most effective sex information comes from those who do it. And that’s important to me. But that’s not WHY I make porn. I make porn first and foremost because I love to fuck, in whatever way fucking means today (and if you’ve seen my fetish site, you know I see sex in anything and everything). The impact it has on my fans and followers – its all secondary – because no way would I do it if I didn’t get off on it in one way or another.

Its time to be honest with myself: I love sex. And that’s okay.

Edited: July 2nd, 2012

Fat and Wrinkled: What Fetish Porn Says About Dominant Sex and Beauty Norms

In the land of fetish porn, anything goes. Is it a matter of personal preference? Author of
Bound and Gagged: Pornography and the Politics of Fantasy in America, Laura Kipnis thinks its something deeper:

Pornography is chock full of…aesthetic shocks and surprises…in a culture that so ferociously equates sexuality with youth, where else but within pornography will you find enthusiasm for sagging, aging bodies, or for their sexualization? There is indeed a subgenera of porn – both gay and straight – devoted to the geriatric. The degree of one’s aesthetic distress when thumbing through magazines with titles like 40+, with its wrinkly models and not-so-perky breasts, or Over 50, with its naked pictorials of sagging white-haired grandmothers (or the white-haired grandfathers of Classics, with their big bellies and vanishing hairlines, and, turning the page, two lumbering CEOs in bifocals and boxer shorts fondling each other), indicates the degree to which a socially prescribed set of aesthetic conventions is embedded in the very core of our beings. And our sexualities.

It also indicates the degree to which pornography exists precisely to pester and thwart the dominant. The vistas of antediluvian flesh in Over 50, or its features like “Promiscuous Granny,” counter all of the mainstream culture’s stipulations regarding sex and sexual aesthetics. One may want to argue that these subgenera of pornography simply cater to “individual preferences” or to dismiss them as “perversions,” depending on who far you carry your normatively. But for the individual viewer, it’s not just a case of different strokes for different folks. Pornography provides a realm of transgression that is, in effect, a counter-aesthetics to dominant norms for bodies, sexualities, and desire itself. And to the extent that portraying the aging body as sexual might be dissed as a perversion (along with other “perversions” like preferring fat sex partners), it reveals to what extent “perversion” is a shifting and capricious social category…a couple of hundred years ago, fat bodies were widely admired

What shapes these subgenera – their content, their raw materials – are precisely the items blackballed from the rest of culture. This watchfully dialectical relation pornography maintains to mainstream culture makes it nothing less than a form of cultural critique. It refuses to let us so easily of the hook for our hypocrisies. Or our unconsciouses.

Edited: March 28th, 2012