Design by Techdesigns.co.uk.

Learning to Give a Lap Dance

My pole fitness studio had a lap dance striptease class last night. I had $20 and no plans from 7:30-9 so I figured why not?

Its really more than that though (as it often is with me). This may seem silly, but I have always wanted to give a guy a lap dance, and the thought both arouses and scares me. I mean that makes sense for a regular woman. Most the women in class were nervous. But one might think because I am a sex worker and I make videos showing off my body it would be no big deal – so what’s the difference?

For starters, its ME who wants to give the lap dance. Terry would enjoy it but if I never ever did it during our lifetime together, he probably would die just as happy. I find it far far far easier to initiate something that we both want or that’s more for him, than something that’s mostly about me. That’s the one of the primary anxieties I experience as a “sexual anorexic.”

Porn has been surprisingly easy in this sense. Almost everything on my site has come from other people’s suggestions. If its something I’m comfortable trying, I do it. If people like it, I make more. A few years of doing this helped me discover certain fetishes I personally enjoy – mostly centered around body worship (feet, armpits, butt, mouth). Though I play the domme in some of my videos, I’m really much more submissive. Taking others ideas and enacting them is more an expression of my submissive side, even if I’m acting dominant. And I love my porn experience for that. Its given me various spaces to play and explore.

But I’ve come up against something that porn can’t help me with (and hopefully therapy can) – which is owning the desires I have, that are purely mine. It feels raw. It feels vulnerable. It feels exposed. It feels more naked than my nude body being all over the internet.

Which brings me to reason #2 for my anxiety – is that giving a lap dance highlights my body, my sensuality, and my sexuality. It is on display. In the open. To be seen – and only seen. Not touched, not acting, not roleplaying, simply being seen in my eroticism. In my desire to move my body in ways that feel sensual and feminine, in my desire to turn him on because I want him aroused. And because I want me aroused. Maybe that’s the scariest thing of all.

The sensuality of a lap dance is more than doing a set of moves, which we practiced tonight amidst much laughter and joking. Its my inner sex goddess, as my more new agey friends would say, that I yearn to connect with.

I came home and Terry was asleep on the couch. I don’t think I’m giving any lap dances tonight. And that’s okay because I’m not ready yet. But I had a good time and I’m glad I went!

Edited: August 9th, 2014

Can Meditation Help Your Sex Life?

What does meditation have to do with fucking?

Do you ever find yourself “stuck” in your head during sex or masturbation? Worry about how you look, whether your body parts are “working,” if you’ll orgasm? Can’t stop thinking about what happened at work today, what you’ll do this weekend, or something your ex did 5 years ago? Feel so stressed out sex is the last thing you want to do?

Meditation and other mind-body practices (like yoga, tai chi, and chi gong among others) help bring you into the present moment – and that’s exactly where sex is happening.

Why be there in body but not in mind, heart or spirit?

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: November 13th, 2012