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What Triggers Your Shame?

So awhile ago I talked about shame. These were some of my most popular podcasts. And I was surprised. I wasn’t sure if talking about feeling like shit would be all that compelling. But apparently it is! If you can relate to my version of shittiness, that is. And I think most people can, in one form or another.

So I promised I’d talk about shame more about as I learn how to deal with it, let it go, overcome, or whatever happens such that its not the prevalent emotion in my life anymore.

Even Cats Feel Shame...

Even Cats Feel Shame...

And almost 6 months later, its largely not. Its not gone, but its not the #1 thing I feel when I wake up in the morning. That’s new and different. Almost uneasy, because while the shame felt terrible, it was familiar.

So here’s something I’ve realized – shame is an emotion. Emotions come and go. But feelings don’t just come from nowhere, something triggers them, whether or not we’re aware. (And most people are unaware, I was up until recently… and still sometimes.)

Which to me means identifying when the feeling of shame is triggered and what did I see/do/hear/say/remember that brought up that emotion.

And it turns out there are some sexual things that used to cause me a lot of shame. But that really don’t anymore.

At the same time, there are some sexual things that I still do feel ashamed of. Even when my logical brain says everything’s fine, and I wouldn’t judge anyone else for it.

So today I talk more about what I’ve noticed about shame, how it comes and goes, and what I’ve done to let it go.

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Edited: June 3rd, 2014

So You Want to Have A FFM (2 Chicks & A Dude) Threesome?

If you’ve ever fantasized about a threesome, realize that orchestrating a successful one takes a LOT of skill. And honestly, a vast majority of those interested don’t got the skills. (At least, not yet. Maybe with practice. Maybe.)

Alpha Harlot has had a TON of threesomes with straight couples. Most of them unsuccessful. Here’s why…

I get asked to fuck couples all the time. I don’t do threesomes anymore because I hate them. There’s always an odd man out and jealousy and nonsense that I honestly do not have the time to deal with. Even the hot tub orgy that I had last year for my birthday turned out rotten afterwards because of lack of communication before, during and after…even though I stressed to all parties involved that it was necessary.

Online dating is all about conversation skills. Much like bar dating, or supermarket dating or any other kind of dating.

Everything depends on the approach, what comes out of your mouth (or onto the keyboard, as the case may be) and then the follow through.

Women are looking for very different experiences than men are as well…so when you approach a woman, regardless of the context, you’ve got to treat her like she’s a human being that you’re interested in, not just an extra vagina for sexual activities.

Take our conversation for example…

You approached me with the subject line, “Meeting up with a couple”.

Before I even clicked on the message and responded (and I respond to every message that I get on Xtube, because that’s my bag and has been for the last 5 years. Everyone deserves a response IMO), I knew that I wasn’t interested in meeting you because you approached me with all your cards on the table.
I’m XYZ, I want to bang…I’ve got a girl, she also wants to bang. We don’t much care what you look like, or who you are…we’ve just been Jonesing for a sexual adventure and you seem like the type of girl who would be fun in the sack.”

What you want is another woman in your bedroom.

What I want (and most women, to tell you the truth) is conversation…because vagina is a hot commodity and dicks are a dime a dozen. If you want in my (or any other woman’s) pants, you’ve got to CONVINCE me that, not only are YOU worth my time and effort, but your woman is too. This is not accomplished by asking me to fuck you right from jump.

If you’re looking for a slab of meat, you’ll have better luck in the supermarket.

That year that I spent just doing threesomes? I wasn’t particular at all. I’d just responded to Craig’s list ads for couples that were looking and, every single one of them (but two actually, I got turned down by two after face to face encounters) was down to fuck.

If they weren’t my type, I did it anyway. If I wasn’t their type, they’d try to bang me anyway. Some of the time it was nearly comical because they were OBVIOUSLY not into fat chicks, but they wanted two naked girls in the same room so badly that they didn’t care.

Standards out the window…

“At least I got to do my FFM!!!”

It was an extremely silly situation.

MOST of the couples that I ended up fucking wouldn’t have given me the time of day if they had seen me out and about…but because I was a slutty, willing hole, they were into it.

They just wanted the notch on their bedpost. We had nothing at all in common, there was no chemistry…it was just fucking for the sake of fucking and I probably only came ten times in the 300 or threesomes that I had that year.

Not satisfying at all.

Edited: March 23rd, 2014

Is It Any Wonder What Makes Women Sexually Tick is Such a Mystery?

Um. No.

Columbus sailed the ocean blue. We’ve put human beings into space. Its possible to transplant an organ from one human being into another, and for the recipient to live a long healthy life. And somebody invented Krispy Kreme devil’s food chocolate cake donuts. All important contributions to history (well, Columbus is debatable but I probably wouldn’t be here if he didn’t).

But we didn’t know the full structure of the clitoris really is until 1998. Seriously:

Though the internal clitoris was illustrated by G.O. Kobelt all the way back in 1844 and additionally detailed by Dr. R.L. Dickinson in 1949, it was not until 1998—yes, 1998—that Helen O’Connell, an Australian urologist, became the first modern-day doctor to really explore and describe the hidden, internal structure of the clitoris. Few really took note of their work, and even today most anatomy textbooks do not fully illustrate the clitoris in its entirety. As someone who learned about intercourse from the encyclopedia at age 10, this is horrible news to me.

Clitoris: more than meets the eye.

So if anyone has trouble understanding what women want (including women), we can’t really be surprised.

Edited: January 10th, 2014

Is Porn Degrading to Women?

Q&A via Jacky St. James: Hi jacky! As a woman do u think pornography objectifies, degrades and disrespects women like some feminists?

Any woman who is of legal age is fully capable of deciding what career path she wants to pursue. Society often wants to coddle and protect women, as if we aren’t equipped with the intellect or emotional capacity to make our own decisions. Whereas, few people ever ask the question, “Does porn objectify men?

When society places restrictions on what is normal and acceptable within a sexual relationship or an adult film or even a fantasy…an assumption is made that all humans are programmed to think and get off on the same type of material. So, to watch a pornographic film in which a woman is forcefully fucked in multiple orifices, one might conclude that this is somehow degrading or a form of objectification to that woman- without considering the fact that some women do enjoy that kind of sex (the person judging however, might not). Some women seek out that kind of sex on their own and consent to that kind of sex without any kind of coercion or manipulation. Yes, it might be surprising, but it’s absolutely true.

At the end of the day, it always comes down to the individual and an individual’s perception of what they are seeing or experiencing. One might look at Bonnie Rotten in The Gangbang of Bonnie Rotten and say, “wow, she’s being objectified,” and she might say in response, “fuck no. i’m being liberated.” Who is ultimately right?

Edited: December 22nd, 2013

How Can I Get My Girlfriend to Watch Porn?

Via Jacky St. James:

I am so glad you asked this question.

I think you need to first acknowledge the fact that everybody has their own sexual turn-ons and turn-offs and just because your girlfriend doesn’t watch porn, doesn’t mean she wouldn’t enjoy it. It also doesn’t mean that she WILL enjoy it.

My first question for you is why is it important that your girlfriend watch porn? Is this an experience you want to share with her? Do you want her to learn some techniques? Would it turn you on watching your girl watch a pornographic film? It’s important that you know the answer to that question (there is obviously no right or wrong answer).

Secondly, you need to understand why she doesn’t want to watch porn. Has she seen porn before and hated it? Does she have preconceived notions about porn? Does she find porn to be dirty, degrading, violent, etc.? If she has any of these concerns, you need to understand where she is coming from and why she has come to these conclusions. By understanding HER feelings about porn will help you communicate your need to have her watch it.

I have found that most women’s opinions about adult films being degrading or negative towards women, are basing those opinions on assumption and not factual information. She might be surprised to know just how many empowered women work in the adult industry (both in front of and behind the camera).

*You can always send her my way and I could provide recommendations of films for her. I love helping open people’s eyes to adult films!

Edited: December 7th, 2013

Porn to Share With Your Girlfriend

I got this one in my email:

I want to ask for a recommendation for some porn to share with my fiancée. We have not tended to watch the same things, with her interested in plot and romance me focusing on women having sex with each other and fetish play like peeing and farting. Is there a good compromise of which you can think?

I’m not huge on romance porn… but I can give some recommendations for both softer and more dirty porn that she may find enjoyable.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: September 13th, 2013

How to Make Her Squirt – Female Ejaculation Questions

Learning how to make her squirt is more than just science & biology – its an art.

A reader asked, “I feel her g spot fill up with fluid, but she doesn’t squirt. What can I do?”

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: June 25th, 2013

Women’s Sexual Desire is Just as Strong and ‘Ravenous’ as Men’s

Think she doesn’t want sex as much as he does? As I’ve written & discussed, relationship issues and stress can definitely impact a woman’s sexuality (IMO, more than guys… though it affects them too). Social norms too (“good girls” “shouldn’t” get too wild…). But sex IS important to women.

So why do many people still think that all women want is love & romance? Don’t get me wrong, those are great. But it doesn’t mean we don’t want to FUCK too!

So Journalist Michael Bergner asked the question: What do women want?

Bergner found that female sexuality is everything we tell ourselves about male sexuality – that it’s base, ravenous and animalistic – is true of female sexuality.

Certain qualities society has traditionally attributed to women – that they are inherently and biologically better suited to monogamy, that women’s desires are based in romantic love – are ‘scarcely more than a fairy tale‘, writes Bergner.

The idea of women being passive and men being the initiators of sexual contact is also a myth, both in the human and the animal worlds, says Bergner.

Women’s sexual desires and fantasies are often submissive or passive, says Bergner, and he believes ‘the force of culture has, to some degree, inverted things’ in terms of how women think about themselves and sex.

‘The force of culture puts some level of shame on women’s sexuality and a fantasy of sexual assault is a fantasy that allows for sex that is completely free of blame,’ Bergner told Salon.com.

‘So that’s one reason. Another, which [researcher, Marta] Meana brings up, and which I think is very compelling, is this idea that the feeling of being desired is a very powerful one, a very electrical one. And I think at least at the fantasy level, that sense of being wanted, and being wanted beyond the man’s self-control is also really powerful,’ he said, addressing the idea of submission fantasies.

‘Being a human who is sexual, who is allowed to be sexual, is a freedom accorded by society much more readily to males than to females,’ Terri Fisher, Professor of Psychology at Ohio State University tells Bergner in the book.

If you’re into a woman and she’s a bit shy… that means she may need your help in bringing out that dirty side of her.

Edited: June 24th, 2013

Women’s Sexual Arousal and the Menstrual Cycle

My body is approaching ovulation this week, so I am feeling extra horny.

Huh?

Basically, the body “wants” to make a baby – so it gets more easily aroused in the few days before ovulation – the most fertile part of a woman’s cycle. Doesn’t mean she can’t get super horny in other times of the month, but pay attention to your or your partner’s cycle and you’ll probably notice this pattern. (Unless she’s on hormonal birth control, she doesn’t experience the same hormones.) Enjoy it! Just keep in mind if you’re having penis-vagina intercourse – be careful if you’re not ready for pregnancy!

Depending on how you or your partner feels around period time, it may mean more or less arousal. When I’ve got cramps and am in a shitty mood, sex isn’t the first thing on my mind. But knowing I’m unlikely to get pregnant is pretty awesome so when I’m feeling okay it makes sex more fun.

Here’s what Go Ask Alice has to say:

Alice,

I seem to feel more strongly sexed (hornier) than usual during my menses and so do some of my girlfriends. Is there a clinical explanation for that or are we just weird?

Thanks for answering,

the menses maiden

Dear menses maiden,

Your and your girlfriends’ observations about the connection between your libido, or sex drive, and menstrual cycle are quite perceptive. Women of reproductive age report fluctuations in their sex drive throughout their menstrual cycle. This well-researched topic of interest has resulted in conflicting information, making it difficult to reach definitive conclusions.

The most well-known biological theory is that women feel their sex drive kick into highest gear during ovulation at mid-cycle, approximately 14 days before they get their next period. The surge in estrogen and the added testosterone bonus that accompany ovulation explain why some women experience heightened libido during this time. This change makes logical sense when viewed within the context of evolution. Ovulation is the most fertile phase for women, and increased interest in and responsiveness to sex during this time ensures greater probability of conception and procreation than at other times of the cycle.

Some theorize that women feel less sexual when they have premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and during their periods because mood swings and menstrual cramps interfere with libido. However, some women feel increased sexual energy during their period. The possibility of pregnancy is reduced (but not eliminated) during menstruation, and this may free women to feel more sexual during this time. Also, there is more pelvic congestion during a woman’s periods, so she is already experiencing this heaviness, which may trigger or translate to arousal. Furthermore, because of the menses, there is additional lubrication, making penetration more comfortable. Finally, orgasm is a known reliever of pelvic congestion and cramps.

Until the subject is better understood through more extensive research, the phase of a woman’s menstrual cycle appears to be just one factor among many that can influence a woman’s lust or desire to be sexual. Women can explore and enjoy their sexuality at any time during their menstrual cycle, going beyond the biological theories concerning procreation. Their own unique physiology, mental health, sexual experiences, and/or individual environmental and cultural factors play important roles in the level of their libido, as well.

Alice

Edited: March 25th, 2013

Interview With 100% Lesbian Porn Star Lily Cade

Lily Cade is a “gold star lesbian” porn star, meaning she’s 100% into girls – she’s never fucked a guy and never wants to.

Lily started in sex work as a dominatrix in college and has been performing in adult films since 2008.

Lily is one of a few California legal married lesbians and shares an open relationship with her wife. Lily has been with hundreds of women on camera and off – her blunt honesty gets her into more girls’ panties than most guys would dream of.

Hear Lily talk about her experience in the adult world, her advice for getting women into bed and how to stay happy in an open relationship.

Subscribe in iTunes!

Follow Lily on Twitter!
Watch us both at LilyCade.com and KelseyObsession.com.

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Kelsey Obsession & Lily Cade

Edited: March 17th, 2013

How Do I Learn to Use My Hands to Orgasm?

I love their honesty.

“Just allow yourself to be.” – Betty Dodson

PS – “Stay in touch with your own body.” — This applies to males too, especially if you have issues with premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.

Edited: January 27th, 2013

Sex News: That’s Disgusting! Not If You’re Horny…

Sex News: A new study suggests women feel less disgusted when they’re sexually aroused.

A new study suggests that when girls get horny

I talk about the study and its implications – after all I wouldn’t be in business if disgust wasn’t intertwined with sexual arousal, at least for some people. I also discuss the challenges of doing sex research and some limitations of this study and others like it. Researching sex is harder than it looks (pun somewhat intended)!

Subscribe in iTunes!

What do you think? Is it easier to talk about dirty fantasies when you and your partner are horny? When you’re aroused are you more down to get nasty?

Edited: October 15th, 2012

How Can I Have More Confidence With Women?

A reader asks:

I am a 27 year old Asian guy (currently in college) who comes from a family which has never discussed sexual matters openly and am also an only child. Hence I grew up in a very sheltered environment and find it very hard to approach women. I have had only 1 real relationship (a fling) which lasted for 3 months  and the sex was terrible due to both of us not knowing each others needs I guess we didn\’t really love each other. I find it extremely hard to talk to a beautiful lady face-to-face and am always freezing up. Any ideas how I can boost my confidence with women and find someone I truly love? I have never had an orgasm while having penetrative sex , and had always had to rely on porn, masturbation and visiting prostitutes. Would really like to find a woman I truly love and have great sex together. Thanks a lot!

I’d suggest two things –

(1) Learn about the female anatomy, women’s sexuality, and women’s psychology.  Every woman is different, but Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus wouldn’t be so popular if there weren’t some generalizations to be made.  The more you understand where women are coming from, you’ll have more confidence AND much better success.  I’d suggest checking out:

- Women’s Anatomy of Arousal – The best overview of female anatomy.

- Slow Sex: The Art and Craft of Female Orgasm – The book describes a practice called orgasmic meditation (which you don’t need to learn unless you want), but explains women’s sexuality very well.

- The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists – Its a true story of a man who barely ever got laid, to becoming a world renowned pickup artist.  You don’t need to follow his methods, but it gives good insight into what women want in a man.

(2) Work on your confidence overall.  How confident you are with women reflects your confidence in other areas of life -its all connected.  People like Tony Robbins, Jack Canfield, and countless other personal development trainers have great self-help books, seminars, audio recordings, and online programs.  I can’t tell you how many hours or how much money I’ve invested in personal development the last few years!  There are a zillion directions you could go, so I’d suggest browsing Amazon for self-help books to get started.

Edited: September 29th, 2012

How to Bring Out a Woman’s Dirty Side

I hear from fans all the time asking, “How do I get a girl like you?” One that loves anal, is kinky and down to try (almost) anything?

Well I wasn’t always this way. I used to be pretty shy and inhibited about my sexuality. It was my husband, Terry, who really brought this side of me out to play. On today’s podcast, Terry and I talk about our relationship and he gives advice to guys wanting to get a little kinkier with their woman.

Have you brought out the dirty in a girl? Or had the dirty brought out in you? Leave a comment!

Subscribe in iTunes!

Edited: September 7th, 2012

Do Vibrators Ruin the Female Orgasm?

How does hard pressure on the clitoris affect a woman’s ability to have a female orgasm?

Both my husband Terry and I have early masturbation stories like Carlin and Betty describe – for me, I started masturbating on my stomach with my blanket between my legs. Even today it can be hard to orgasm without a lot of pressure. With lots of practice(!) and patience, I’ve started feeling more sensation in other positions, but my body still responds best that way. Its like learning how to ride a bike…a little harder, but more fun.

This video also sparked a great conversation with Terry about needing more sexy time with him. We have amazing sex, but like Betty says – as a woman, sometimes sex can feel like foreplay for my masturbation. Personally, I don’t need an orgasm every time – that’s too much pressure and too “masculine” a goal – but it gets hard to make the time when we’re so busy. Even though we have a very sexual lifestyle, we get stressed out like everyone else!

Edited: September 6th, 2012

Furious Masturbation Causes Premature Ejaculation

A young man wants to know if his masturbation habits are causing his premature ejaculation problem. What does Betty Dodson think?

Hi,

I am 19 year old and have been masturbating from say last 7-8 years. Now when I have sex with my girl, I ejaculate within a minute of her touching my penis or worse..she is a very nice girl and doesn’t complain but still I feel like a loser.

What do you think I should do? IS it due to my super fast masturbation sessions in the past?..Is there anything I can do to surprise her?,I do not want to use pills/creams as I am alergic to Sulfur and few more chemicals. Is there any natural way to increase my time or undo what I have done?..:(

Dear M,

Coming real fast is quite common. I’m happy to know you are searching for a solution. Yes, this is due to your super fast masturbation sessions in the past and the healing will be training yourself to sustain higher levels of arousal with new patterns of touching your penis.

Meanwhile, for your information, very few girls can come with vaginal penetration alone. So you and most other uninformed guys think all they need to do is get a hard-on and keep it long enough for her to get off. WRONG!

That’s the phony crap of porn! So you also need to understand female sexuality. There is an abundance of information if you simply start reading our website. Keeping a hard-on is only part of the picture but you have come to the right place to be sexually educated by learning new sexual skills. Now it’s up to you. Enjoy

Dr. Betty

What does that mean? Take time to masturbate. Take it slow. Tease yourself, making the pleasure last as long as possible before letting yourself cum. And more importantly, be gentle with yourself. Premature ejaculation won’t be “cured” overnight, and while you’re busy practicing, you’re likely to have a few more unintentional quickies. But in time you’ll be able to last longer in bed and you’ll both be enjoying sex together even more.

Edited: August 6th, 2012

Help! My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore… Addressing Typical Relationship Problems

A dwindling sex life is one of the most common relationship problems, especially among parents and business owners.

Dear Kelsey,

I am a little nervous to email you… I am a 43 yr. old married father of two. Our daughter is almost 4 and our son just turned 2 (so we have had sex ha ha) although our sex life has tanked in the last few years.  My wife and I also have a family business.

I was recently diagnosed with extremely low testosterone. My Dr. has been treating it with weekly T injections (so much because it hasn’t been rising). Along with week erections, (I need to use Cialis or Levitra to masturbate or have intercourse), difficult orgasm, sore body, exhausted all the time, I still have the need to have sex with my wife. It makes me feel closer to her and strengthens our relationship.

She has been supportive, but has her own issues and often does not want to have sex. I then feel rejected and that causes friction. I love my wife and family and just want to feel normal.  She  says that she is tired and not into it (or is she not into me any more?).

What do you think?

Your situation is VERY common.  I’m not a medical doctor, but low testosterone combined with stress and relationship issues is probably what’s up (well, down) with your dick.

Are you on cholesterol medication, by chance?  I’ve read that chlorine in tap water (whether you drink or shower in it) causes high cholesterol, and those medications kill your testosterone.  If so, I know there are natural ways to reduce cholesterol and switching to bottled water may help.

Men who take testosterone also tend to become more aggressive and often don’t realize. You could be acting like an asshole and putting off your wife, without being aware. Pay attention to how you’re acting, especially when she rejects you. You may notice ways to change your behavior that could elicit a more positive response from her.

Regarding your wife – if she’s busy raising 2 kids and doing the business with you, she’s probably exhausted.  And may have her own issues with sex she hasn’t ever addressed (most of us do, especially women).

Whereas men (stereotypically) want to do it at a moment’s notice, women generally need more time to relax before feeling sexual whatsoever.  I don’t just mean foreplay, I mean time for herself in everyday life.  Many moms put all their energy into their kids, without saving any for themselves.  Same with business women too, so combine them and its a recipe for little to no sex.

If this sounds like your situation, if you want more sex you’ll have to help her take the time she needs.  My friend and business coach, Taylore Ashlie, wrote a book for couples in business. Its written for men to help their women be more happy (and sexual) at home, thus making YOU happier in the process.  Its written in flowery language, but even if that doesn’t appeal to you, the concepts are still very useful.

Her book, and working with her directly, helped me calm down and focus on myself, allowing myself to be more sexual.  It really helped my relationship, and I’m sure it could help you and your wife too.

Edited: July 18th, 2012

Let Me Share a Secret…

I have a confession to make: I love sex.

I’ve noticed lately that I spend a lot of time justifying my work to myself. I have all sorts of academic and intellectual theories about why I do what I do, the benefit it has to people, etc. In all honestly, if it weren’t for these grand ideas I probably wouldn’t be in porn because my #1 goal in life has always been to help others.

But regardless, at the end of the day, I make porn because I love sex. I love talking about it. Reading about it. Writing about it. Doing it. Trying new things with new people. Experiencing sexual subcultures. Making sex videos. Basically…I love sex.

And I discovered a set of beliefs been behind my mental justifications: I’m too sexual. My expression of sexuality is too out there. Oh, its fine for other people. But not for me. I’m a good girl. I shouldn’t like sex, let alone earn my living from it. Sex should be – at best – a weekend hobby. My exhibitionist perverted exploits are a sign that something is wrong with me, my lifestyle, my choice in life partner. Basically, that I shouldn’t love sex.

Would I feel this if I were a man? I don’t think so. My husband doesn’t seem to have this hangup, anyway, and he’s been making porn for almost a decade now.

I can have my theories and beliefs about how porn can help people, how it can change our cultural ideas about sex and relationships, how the most effective sex information comes from those who do it. And that’s important to me. But that’s not WHY I make porn. I make porn first and foremost because I love to fuck, in whatever way fucking means today (and if you’ve seen my fetish site, you know I see sex in anything and everything). The impact it has on my fans and followers – its all secondary – because no way would I do it if I didn’t get off on it in one way or another.

Its time to be honest with myself: I love sex. And that’s okay.

Edited: July 2nd, 2012

Sex Tips: Slow Down, Get in the Cracks, and Be Open to Sexual Healing

Sex tips and sexual healing from Shama Helena.

Helena: The first thing I teach is slow down. Everybody’s in a rush. Because guys have basically learned about sexuality by jerking off in the bathroom as quickly as they can so they don’t get caught and they take that through their whole lives. And what we’re teaching in tantra is there’s so much more to it. We become very orgasm-focused. We become very fuck-focused and what we’re teaching in tantra is the whole thing is magical, every moment is pleasurable. When we were growing up it was like, “Did you get to first base? Second base? Third base?” And what’s going on is everybody in first base is looking at second base and they’re not enjoying first base. And if you allow yourself to relax into the experience you’re actually having, instead of running an agenda, you’re going to find that you enjoy and savour experience so much more profoundly, it will blow your mind.  And it will give the woman the time and the energy she needs to open and relax.  In addition, she really needs to feel attuned with you. And if you take the time for making out and if you take the time for touching each other and bringing each other to higher states of pleasure first, you’re going to find that she’s going to be in her sexual power and then guys, look out. You’re going to have the ride of your life.

Taylor: That’s really beautiful. As I say, “You don’t go to the opera to hear the last note.”

Helena: Exactly. Another thing that’s really important to know is all those places…there’s two really important areas of the body to be aware of. One is anyplace that is normally not seen by the public. Backs of the knees, under the arms, under the breasts, the neck. All these sensitive hidden places are some of the most erotic. In addition –

Taylor: Anything that’s a crack.

Helena: There you go! Also anyplace where there maybe some injury. If you’ve got a bruise or if you’ve got someplace that’s hurting, if you give it love you will be amazed at how erotic that can become. How pleasurable and orgasmic as your body releases the tension that it’s holding in order to protect whatever area that is feeling a little wounded. So I’m not recommending you suck on wounds but what I am recommending is give those areas the love appropriate to what’s going on there and you may be surprised at the fountain of pleasure that’s available as a result.

Hear more sex tips from Shama Helena.

Edited: April 6th, 2012

What Happened to Her Sex Drive?

I got several articles in my inbox this week with the same story: She used to want sex in the beginning, now she doesn’t. What’s a guy to do?

Well, don’t make her sign a sex contract. That’ll kill anybody’s libido.

First, understand where she may be coming from. There are many reasons for a low sex drive that guys don’t realize.

Next, talk to her about it! If she doesn’t want sex, there’s something going on with her and/or your relationship. Low sex drive is often a symptom, not the problem.

Edited: January 18th, 2012

Female Orgasm: Its All In Your Head…In This Study, Anyway

I’m impressed that female orgasm can even occur inside an fMRI machine!

“The Science of Female Orgasm”

Thanks to the women who masturbate for science, and let us see the neurological side of female sexuality.

Edited: November 30th, 2011

I <3 Female Masturbation

Growing up, I knew I couldn’t be the only one masturbating, but not ONE of my friends ever mentioned it. Neither did I. In fact, I told my first boyfriend I didn’t. He said he didn’t either. Liars!

See, I knew he probably did. As Ashley Fryer says, “The world knows men masturbate.” Hello, American Pie. How many movies and TV shows crack jokes at young boys jerking off?

To my recollection, I’ve seen two movies that show a woman masturbating. The first was in Not Another Teen Movie. The scene was a parody of She’s All That and American Pie combined. The second was a seriously hot scene in Secretary, where she masturbates in the bathroom after her boss spanks her for yet another typing mistake.

If I knew other girls masturbated, I don’t think I’d have felt such shame about it. My typical masturbation practice was to get to the point (orgasm) as fast as possible. Then when I was done, I’d immediately get up and do something non-sexual, like my homework. As if I were pretending I hadn’t done it in the first place.

Fryer writes, And really, this is just one tiny part of a much bigger conversation about female sexuality. But for the sake of women everywhere, for whom masturbation is a healthy part of their sex lives, I’m begging the world to get a grip. To the women of the world, I say this: reclaim the rights to your own vaginas. Masturbation is a healthy and happy part of sexuality. It’s a headache cure, a muscle relaxant and an instant high. It’s like cake with no calories. And let’s be honest, if you don’t know what’s going on down there, an inexperienced man hasn’t got a hope in hell. So please, take ownership of your sexuality and let’s stop subscribing to this strange and damaging notion that masturbation is anything other than brilliant.

Edited: November 22nd, 2011